Chapter Text
Jihyo knew. Jihyo wasn’t dumb, nor was she blind. She knew she was out of time, she knew her chance had passed. She knew that Momo’s heart, once bound to her, now belonged to someone else. She was a coward, she knew that. They had something special, she swore it up and down, swore she wasn’t crazy, that she wasn’t reading into things too much. All the mutual fondness they had for each other was one sided now. Jihyo still looked at her like her world was spinning in the depths of her eyes, but she no longer looked back. She looked, but not at Jihyo, no, definitely not at Jihyo. The Japanese girls had her eyes glued to the eldest member, Nayeon. She looked at her like how she used to look at Jihyo, and Jihyo hated it. It was a reminder of her cowardice, her inability to face her emotions the second they got to… real.
Now whatever they had was broken and Jihyo couldn’t fix it. She tried, hell, she tried, but she was gone. The members noticed, they had started teasing them a bit before and then it all fell apart. Nayeon was the culprit and considering her and Momo’s growing closeness, Momo had definitely told her everything. It felt like the older Japanese girl had stabbed Jihyo's heart, the heart she held in her hand, into a pile of mush that was worth nothing. And Jihyo just let it happen because she was stupid and in love and couldn’t figure out how to stop these feelings.
Eventually someone noticed. Sana. Minatozaki Sana, the best friend of the girl who got away. Sana had come knocking on Jihyo’s apartment door one night very much uninvited but not unwelcomed. Jihyo stood behind the door in a pair of loose grey sweatpants and a stretched out white shirt that fell off her shoulder whenever she moved. Her hair was tied in a messy bun and her eyes were hollow and sunken. She looked thinner, smaller both physically and mentally. Sana said nothing as she stepped into the apartment, closing the door and wrapping Jihyo in a tight hug. It was suffocating but it was grounding, exactly what Jihyo needed as her brain spiraled into the land of possibilities. Jihyo buried her face into the older girl's shoulder as Sana gently rubbed her back. Jihyo felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes and Sana must’ve felt them too.
“It’s okay Ji, I’m here, you can cry.” Sana said soothingly, pressing a soft kiss to the shorter girl's scalp.
Jihyo couldn’t hold it in anymore. Her tears seemed to flow endlessly, soaking Sana’s shirt as she wept in her arms. Sana stood there, her presence grounding. Sana always seemed so energetic and loud but she was also reliable and observant as ever. She knew her members like the back of her hand. She could read people like books, no matter who they were. She just had a way with people's souls that was… frankly quite scary, but they all appreciated her gift. She was the one who understood.
Once Jihyo stopped crying and her breathing was even enough to speak coherent sentences, she pulled away from the hug, gazing up slightly at Sana.
“I’m… sorry. But thank you. It means a lot.” She said shyly.
“Of course, that's what we do for each other. Do you want to talk?” Sana said so softly Jihyo almost burst out in tears again.
Instead, she nodded, gesturing for Sana to sit on the couch.
“I’m going to make tea, do you want some?” Jihyo said as she moved to the kitchen, grabbing a mug for herself and Sana after hearing a soft ‘mhm’ from the older girl.
As the water boiled Jihyo thought about what she would say. What could she say? I'm in love with your best friend and I let her go because I don't know how to confront my feelings and now I'm suffering the consequences? That just sounds selfish and stupid. She pondered until the kettle whistled, bringing Jihyo back to the moment. She poured the boiling water into her and Sana’s mugs, chamomile for her and jasmine for the older girl. She grabbed a pack of graham crackers from the cabinet, opening them and plating them before bringing everything to the living room where Sana was sitting, scrolling on her phone.
Silence engulfed the living room as Jihyo held her tea close to her chest, staring into the cup like it was going to give her answers. Sana patiently sipped her tea, waiting for the girl to say something, but she didn't pressure her. That was the good thing about Sana, she never pressed and her presence was enough to cheer anyone up.
“I fucked it up…” Jihyo breathed out, tears welling at the corners of her eyes. Sana responded with silence, allowing Jihyo space to speak.
“I mean, I swear to God it was real. I’m not crazy, right? She liked me, she felt what I felt, it was all real, right? I don’t know what to do… I don’t even know if there is anything to do, she moved on, she's happy now. And I’m just stuck here, alone, lost, hopeless, and I have to watch her be happy without me every day. I want her to be happy of course but I wanted to be happy with her. Why can’t we be happy together? Why the fuck am I such a coward. If I had told her the truth I wouldn’t be like this. I wouldn’t have to sit on the floor every fucking night and think about how she used to look at me, how much she loved me. Did she even love me? Was it ever real? Was it all some sick joke? No, she wouldn’t do that to me, would she? Sana I don’t know what to do… I need her. I need her to need me but she needs Nayeon. She needed me and I wasn’t there for her. Im such a fuck up, im so hopeless and dumb and…” Her words trailed off, tears rolling down her cheek softly. She stared at her distorted reflection in the teacup. She looked… wrong. She was so empty looking, the only thing filling that void was her sadness.
Sana didn’t say anything for a while, letting Jihyo’s words hang around them in the room. Sana knew Momo better than any member of Twice. They were practically inseparable in their trainee days and were still close friends despite not being able to enjoy each other's company as much any more.
“It’s not too late, Hyo. Just, talk to her, okay? At least you’ll get the closure you need.” Sana said, sipping the last of her tea. She gestured for Jihyo to join her on the couch and so she did. Sana held her arms open, Jihyo falling into her embrace. She closed her eyes, pressing firmly against Sana’s body. The warmth radiating off her was pleasant and grounding, reminding her that she was real and she was going to be okay… eventually.
–
Little did the sleeping girl know, the “girl who got away” was facing a dilemma of her own in her and Nayeon's shared apartment. Momo was pacing back and forth in the living room, a habit of hers when she was stressed or thinking. Nayeon was sitting on the couch watching a cheesy romcom in typical Nayeon fashion as Momo whispered to herself trying to organize her thoughts.
Momo’s thoughts were racing at a thousand miles per minute. Contrary to popular belief, the girl did actually form thoughts and could comprehend reality. She paced, picking at her fingers and thinking. What should she do about the whole Jihyo thing? Jihyo… the girl that couldn’t seem to bring herself to face her anymore after everything they had been through. Momo remembered when they were trainees. Momo was fresh out of Japan, 15 years old and full of life. Jihyo had already been training for 7 years and she looked so tired. She was also 15, but she wasn’t the 15 you see in movies, so vibrant and passionate, she had this look in her eyes that told everyone what she couldn’t say. Get me out of here, I want this to end. It wasn’t in the sense of suicide, it was the opposite. She wanted to live, she wanted to be free. Momo wished so desperately back then to understand the words the girl would say. She studied hard with Sana every day, practicing her Korean until she nearly forgot Japanese. She would later come to realize that she didn’t just want to share a language with her, she wanted to share her soul.
Nayeon muttered something incomprehensible through a mouthful of popcorn that brought Momo back to Earth.
“Huh?” Momo said, gazing at the older woman whose cheeks were puffed out by the preposterous amount of popcorn she had shoved into her mouth. Momo would have laughed, she would have if she had the energy. The girl rolled her eyes at her, her jaw strained as she chewed. She swallowed thickly, grabbing her glass of water and chugging the whole thing with a dramatized ‘ahh’ sound in classic Nayeon fashion.
“You need to stop avoiding her and acting like space is doing any good for the two of you. She's clearly hurting. I haven’t seen that girl eat a full meal since last Tuesday and she hasn’t looked that… depressed since when Jeongyeon was on hiatus. You two both need to get your shit together and stop being useless lesbians." Nayeon said, sprawling herself across the couch, her leg and arm hanging off the couch as she started scrolling on her phone.
Momo stood there silently staring at the older girl. She was right, as usual, but Momo was taken aback by the harshness behind her words. Maybe it was time to face her feelings, whatever they were. Momo sighed, padding to their shared bedroom and flopping down on the bed, grabbing her headphones and playing a playlist she had made for moments like these. Moments where she wasn’t quite sure if she was doing the right thing. Moments where she had to stare at the ceiling and think about how much longer she could do this for. This game of push and pull between her and Jihyo. She didn’t know how much longer she would last. She had had feelings for the leader since God knows when. She could say it started when she first saw her walking around the JYPE building, but she didn’t truly fall for the girl until a bit after they debuted. The year Twicecoaster Lane 1 was released. That winter. She didn’t know what changed but suddenly her silly crush turned into raw, untamed, messy love. Everyone knew about their weird dynamic. Everyone knew they both had feelings for each other. Everyone except once, too focused on the mainstream ships, Dahmo and Sahyo. No one noticed and it was nice that way. They hid behind the fanservice but for those who looked carefully enough at the pair that never seemed to be on the same side of the stage, they would see the gaze, the longing that their eyes conveyed. It was like they were forced apart and were yearning for the presence of the other, like there was a string connecting the two that was pushing them together yet the world pulled them apart.