Chapter Text
Some nights were fine but some other nights were like a nightmare to Jun….
Jun the one who always shined in stage in back stage, he was a sunshine in everyone’s life, being part of mars and also being an actor was the best thing that ever happened to him.
He loved his members and cared for everyone equally even if that meant to sacrifice something’s for them, himself, Jun was completely losing himself while cheering others up but did they noticed.?!
Well yeah they did, of course they did, they loved how Jun cared for them, and always appreciated the effort Jun puts for them, at least that’s how Jun sees it..
——
To be honest. Jun wasn’t perfect and he clearly wasn’t that sunshine everyone saw, he was facing a lot of struggles with life, with himself, that’s why he over-cared for others to distract himself and not feel guilty about being like this.
It all started with his sleepless nights, no matter what Jun couldn’t sleep, after a long day of work and chaos everyone needed their rest right and they actually rested but Jun couldn’t, no matter how much he tried, in nights Jun completely changes into someone else, someone vulnerable, someone who desperately needed someone to tell him the right words.
——-
Jun was insecure about himself, his voice, his acting, everything, he never valued himself. Thinking he was never enough, he always compared himself with others, and ended hating himself even more for it.
Everyone in the group were special, with cool and worthy talents but what about Jun, he just sang and act, was this special? No, but at the other hand the group, the shared house with his bandmates was all he had, he could never lose this, that’s why he tried his best and put effort for everything and everyone, just to not be useless..
——-
His biggest enemy were nights, midnights, the sleepless nights, the night that made him start thinking about self harm, because he couldn’t bear his thoughts, his own thoughts were killing him slowly, the thought of not being enough, the thought of being useless, everything.
He tried therapy, and had multiple pills for sleeping but they never worked, they never worked for Jun, why?! He had to sleep he need to get rid of these feelings and these nightmares, but the pills were just as useless…
————
Another sleepless night around 3 am Jun headed towards the kitchen to drink water, but got shocked by seeing Dylan standing by the counter. Well Jun and Dylan never been OKAY with each other, always bickering never getting too close to each other and let’s say Dylan hated Jun— well that what Jun said to himself.. but he knows no one can hate Jun more that himself..
“Oh your awake?!” Jun said with a shocked tone
Dylan didn’t said anything just hummed, and headed towards his room, leaving Jun in silence with his thoughts, Dylan didn’t even bothered to answer him, well he had all the rights who is Jun compared to Dylan?!
After he grabbed couple of water bottle from the fridge he headed towards his room, thinking about why did Dylan hate him this much, why is no one in this world love Jun as much as he love them? He started with self doubt again, he couldn’t bear it this time, can’t be alone with his thoughts, they were killing him and he couldn’t sleep too, the only way to stop the emotional pain is they damn cutter..
He didn’t hesitate this time and opened the drawer and grabbed that fucking cutter and stared at it for a while, a tear slid down his face, he hated this, he hated himself for needing to hurt himself to get rid of the voices in his head, he started to do it, not too deep to leave permanent scar but thin cut that reminds him that he’s breathing and he’s alive and he’s in pain..
He was about to go deeper, more cuts until he heard a knock on his door. Dylan?!
No Dylan can’t see him like this, while panicking he dropped the cutter somewhere, hoping Dylan don’t notice, he opened the door, yeah it was Dylan, did he needs anything.
“Jun can we talk?” Dylan said dryly and very expressionless
“Yeah sure, but Dylan is three in the morning aren’t you sleepy or tired” Jun asked in a soft tone, the type that clearly said ‘I’m worried about you’
“Jun shouldn’t we say that to you? Hm?”
Jun was at lose of words well Dylan is saying the truth, Jun is the one who needs to sleep.
————-
There he saw!!! The cutter on the floor, “Jun what is that cutter doing in the floor it can hurt you” Dylan said again in cold tone with not expression
“Hehe it’s nothing let it. Dylan what’s the matter why you wanted to talk?!”
As he was trying to take the cutter before Dylan looking more at the details but yeah Dylan was sharper and faster and grabbed the cutter. There it was a little blood in the cutter..
Dylan get it, he got what that means and he did suspected such a thing but he didn’t knew it was this bad, or whatever you want to name it..
“Jun…. What the fuck is this, or where the fuck this blood came from?!” He said sharply almost loud but not really screaming at Jun
Jun didn’t respond he just put his head down looking at the ground, like a puppy who got scolded by his owner.
“Dyl.. it’s almost 4am let it go, if you don’t have anything to say please go ahead and sleep, we need to wake up early anyway”
“Jun you can’t sleep again right? That’s why your awake, your awake all nights and now your doing this?” Pointing at the cutter obviously accusing Jun
“Jun you can’t fool me, this isn’t right you know that right? Then why the fuck there’s blood in this cutter”
Jun eyes filled with tears he couldn’t talk or say a word nothing he had nothing to say because what Dylan said was true.
Jun was lost in his thoughts as Dylan grabbed Jun’s wrist looking at the fabric, as if he’s afraid to pull the fabric and see what’s under it, Jun tried to pull away and let go.
“Dylan let go, nothing is wrong I can sleep, let’s forget this fucking night and continue as it was, nothing is wrong with me” he was in denial, he was an actor but he wasn’t good at lying.
Dylan at the other hand didn’t let go of Jun arm, he slowly pulled the fabric up and what he saw made him terrified, he felt the hurt, his expression softened, but didn’t say anything, there were so many old scars and some new and some fresh that had blood in them…
Jun was hurting all this time and no one realised till now, why? He needed explanation in what’s going on with Jun, but what terrified him was the deepest scar, almost fresh like a week old scar at his wrist, where someone would cut to end their life, and that was deep, but Jun is alive now, when did he tried to do that, why?! Why the fuck Jun wants to kill himself?!
The cut was deep really deep he wondered who saved Jun, or how much blood he lost, what was the pain he felt, and what hurted Dylan the most was that it wasn’t him who realised this cut these scars he failed at protecting Jun.
The tears started to fall before could control them, he realised that the tears were dropping in Jun’s newly scars and he immediately pulled away, looking in Jun’s eyes, not missing a beat.
Jun was ashamed, he felt he’s not clean, he hated Dylan to see his insecurities, he hated all of this he wanted this to end, he wants everything to end now.
“Jun.. look at me, please tell me, tell me everything, talk to me, say something, scream at me, just don’t please, please why, why I’m feeling like I’m going crazy why?!??” Dylan was saying between the tears that were falling.
Jun was emotionless, he didn’t knew anything, all he wanted was someone who stay awake with him throughout the sleepless nights and talk to him, assure him that he’s enough, no one, but it’s no one’s fault either, no one know this side of Jun, and now over all people Dylan was the one who noticed, the only person he had faith in and truly admired, maybe still living for Dylan…
“Dylan… I’m.. just sorry”
“No jun you don’t get to say sorry, no shit.. fuck… what the fuck am I saying?…” Dylan was saying, panting couldn’t find the right words to say to Jun, he couldn’t believe his eyes and now Jun was fucking apologising:
“Don’t say sorry Jun please…. Don’t.. don’t do this tell me, please, did I hurt you a few mins ago?!” Dylan got the thought of it, he ignored Jun while Jun maybe wanted to say something or talk to him, he always shut Jun out and maybe that’s why Jun doesn’t trust anyone.
Jun was still expressionless, not looking at Dylan, as if he was ashamed of himself he stepped back a little, making a distance between him and Dylan, “Dylan let’s forget this night please, let it go, you never cared anyway so now I don’t need pity”
“Pity? Huh??..” is that what Jun thought of Dylan, that Dylan never cared for Jun, or fuck Yeahh If he had shown Jun his care maybe Jun would’ve leaned on him.
“No Jun it’s not like that, let’s talk okay, I’m not sleepy let’s just talk, it’s not that, I care, please don’t do this, there’s a lot of blood in your arm now”
“No dylan, let it go, you say you care but you never did, it’s okay I’m fine with it, because I know I don’t deserve your care, so I’m sorry” he said flat, calm as if it’s the most normal thing.
“Oh Jun fuck it already, tell me what’s the purpose of this, why?! What you went through to do this to yourself?”
Jun didn’t said anything, he looked small, but his expression was so unreadable, Dylan was worried he needed to know why the fuck Jun had to go through all this alone.
“Jun look, I don’t know, I’m terrified and I don’t know what to say, but I want to stay, I want to be that someone you could rely on and let me help you, let me clear your thoughts” Dylan said as tears were flowing down his face.
Jun looked at Dylan’s eyes taking a deep breath “Dylan, respectfully let it go, forget it all, I don’t have anything to say, not the right words. And they’re nothing” looking at his arms “they’re just few scratch’s nothing serious so now please leave I don’t want to hurt us any more”
“No Jun they’re not just any wounds or fucking scratch’s, it’s that deep that maybe you tried…” not being unable to name it he just waited, thinking.
“And Jun you lost blood for all of these, without me being there, you never let me be there for you, and now I feel like fucking shit, who just hurted you more and now I’m the reason your taking this cutter in hand again”
Jun couldn’t bear it anymore, it was all too much all the words were too much for him, he hated himself, he hated everything, anything, everyone except Dylan, he liked Dylan that he couldn’t bear the thought of losing him or seeing all those fucking nightmares that he started to do this just to get rid of these fucking thought.
He lost it again, his heart beat fastened and he felt his knees were going weak, his mind was in chaos, he hated it, he fucking hated himself, he wanted this to end now, all of these, but the voices in his mind wouldn’t shut, Dylan’s tears he feels fucking guilty for them, he fell on his knees, he couldn’t breathe, he needed anything to stop the feeling and the thoughts anything, he was going insane.
“I can’t do it anymore, I fucking hate this, I hate myself, please end all of this, I don’t want to live any-“ he couldn’t continue as he felt Dylan warm body pressed to his.
“shh don’t Jun, don’t, never say it again, no matter how hard this panic attacks are and how hard it is, your not going to say it or do it”
“Dylan I’m tired… please believe me I’m tired, I’m being honest and I have nothing else to say just believe me I’m tired..” Jun sobbed and sobbed, as if he was too tired to even pretend..
Dylan didn’t say anything he just held Jun, he held him tight and let him ease a little, still waiting for Jun to let out everything he has been holding inside.
“I’m tired.. I’m tired of pretending, I want to be with you Dylan, I don’t want you to hate me for what I am, please believe me”
“Just know me and believe that I’m tired and yet I have nothing in this world to hold on, there’s no hope left for me, I’m tired of pretending”
The night passed by eventually, by Dylan insisting to Jun to sleep with him, and promising Jun that he will never leave him alone at least not again, but Jun, was at breaking point so he can’t promise anything.
—
Dylan woke up, the bed cold, and there was a missing warm, he opened his eyes remembering the night that passed by, but now Jun wasn’t in bed, he got up quickly, looking for Jun, calling him.
He checked the living room, but Jun wasn’t home?— “nano where’s Jun?” He asked nano.
“P’Jun he had an argument with p’Thame, and after the argument got more serious, Jun left the house.” Nano said the whole story.
About what Thame said to Jun, this was it, the end, he knew Jun would do something about it, about the things Thame said to him.
“Thame—“ he snaps at Thame pushing the studio door, “why?, where’s Jun?”
“Dylan calm down, he went out of the house, and he didn’t tell me where’d not that I care much.” Thame said flatly.
Oh. Only if he knew what Jun is going through but the panic didn’t let him to say everything to Thame.
“no, he’s not answering his phone” he said trying to call Jun multiple times, but he wasn’t answering, Dylan was at verge of crying.
No way Jun wouldn’t do that, not to Dylan, not to himself.
“Dylan what’s wrong, what with this panic, he should be fine.” Thane said a little worried about Dylan but not worried at all for Jun and now Dylan is slowly seeing why was Jun doing all that to himself.
“Thame you don’t get it, I need to find him.. fuck I need to find him before he-“
“Before he what?! Dylan, what’s wrong, what’s up with you, it was just a silly argument but i don’t know why Jun got so upset” Thame said quickly and also trying to reach out for Jun.
“Thame please, shut up and help me find Jun, I’m so scared now, we need to find him.” Dylan said with an almost yelling voice
He wanted to say everything, he wanted to tell Thame how he was scared of Jun doing something ridiculous.
“Okay calm down, we will find him but I’m sure he’ll come back, and then we will talk everything out”
Yeah maybe waiting could work but what if— what if he waits and it’s too late…
He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Jun not in that way, never, he still hadn’t confessed, he still didn’t assured Jun that he’s worthy of everything.
“We need to find Jun now, I don’t care, Thame I do not care about what happened and I’ll deal about it later for now I need to find Jun” dylan said as he went out of the house, looking for Jun.
—
He didn’t know where to go or where to find Jun, Jun never told him nor he has ever asked him, he is determined to find Jun no matter what, Jun have to be okay, he needs Jun to be alive, to be okay, to be his.
Dylan went to all of the places he thought Jun would go, he searched for Jun the whole day and the sun was about to set yet Jun was nowhere to be found.
All the members were worried, all of them tried their best to find Jun, they asked Dylan what happened and what is going on, but Dylan didn’t said the truth, he can’t betray Jun like that.
Thame was worried the most, the guilt and the pressure was eating him alive, he called po, everyone but no one knew where Jun was.
“Dylan tell me, what going on, why Jun is not answering, I swear to god I didn’t meant to say those words, I was just mad, what if…” Thame didn’t continue cause even the thought of losing Jun scared him, just like how Dylan Was scared.
“Thame… Jun is struggling a lot, and the only thing that matters now is to find him.. before— never mind” he didn’t finished, well he couldn’t, even the thought of it scares him.
—-
The sun sets, and the sky begins to change color, it was getting darker, no trace of Jun, what if.
What if it’s too late.
What if he receives a call about Jun.
what if his biggest fear comes true.
What if Jun actually did it.
What if..
what if..
Dylan couldn’t bear it anymore, there was only one more spot he could search, maybe there’s still hope.
Maybe Jun still has faith in him.
Maybe Jun loves Dylan as much.
Maybe Jun needs some time.
Maybe Jun is in that spot waiting for Dylan to find him again like last night.
He got out again, not saying anything to anyone anymore, Jun runned where his heart was telling, but of course life has other plans for him, it starts pouring rain as soon as Dylan got out of the house but this time he was more scared of losing Jun than the rain.
The rain got heavier and Dylan was soaked, the sky wasn’t having it today, the thunders, the rain, and the darkness of the sky, none of it mattered now, he had to find Jun and Jun has to be there.
—-
Dylan’s heart never lied to him, if his heart told him that he’s in love with Jun so it was no lie.
So there he was Jun, soaked, sitting across the ocean, watching the ocean under the heavy rain, looking at the waves of the ocean, completely motionless, this sight of Jun was like a stab in Dylan’s heart.
Jun sitting there felt like someone who didn’t know where else to go
Jun could be sitting there, soaked, unmoving—like he’d been there for hours.
Jun didn’t go there to do something.
He went there because it was quiet enough for his thoughts to get loud.
Dylan took a step closer, one step at a time as if he was afraid of scaring Jun, he was finally reaching for Jun and it wasn’t late.
“J..Jun” Dylan said softly almost a whisper, he didn’t press hard to Jun, Dylan was just there, a presence that said ‘I finally found you and you’re no longer alone in this world’— Jun didn’t look up Dylan, he breathed as if he was holding his breath.
The rain slowed, it wasn’t as heavy but Dylan was trembling not from cold but from fear, fear of losing Jun, Jun got up and looked into Dylan’s eyes, Dylan stepped closer and pulled Jun into a warm embrace.
“I thought I’ve lost you..” Dylan said while tears were streaming down on face.
“I… im sorry—“