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After his talk with Rose, things changed for Shane. He finally accepted what he always feared he know about himself deep down: He was gay. Entirely. If he couldn't make it work with someone like Rose freakin Landry, then there was no way.
He also knew at this point that he had to make a decision about Ilya, he could not keep going like this, it was too hard. Not with Ilya's inability to communicate even his most basic thoughts or concerns, and Ilya shutting him down the second he tried to share his.
Like he told Rose at the restaurant, he had to sort some stuff out…
Shane had at some point remembered something from a psychology class he took in his first year in college. Attachment Theory. He had googled it after the devastating emotional blow at the Olympics, trying to even just check in with him during the figure skating competition, and being blown off. Not just blown off, yelled at.
There were four attachment styles that most people fit into the spectrum of.
- Secure Attachment.
- Anxious Attachment
- Avoidant Attachment
- Disorganized (also Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment.
He learned that these attachments form in your childhood and how they generally played out in adult relationships and while he did not know a lot of details about Ilya’s childhood, he could deduce it had not been great. He had started thinking back to moments when Ilya lashed out at him or ignored him and realized a pattern: It was always after Ilya lost a game or an award to someone else, which probably lead to more emotional abuse by his family for losing. It was comforting in a way, to know it wasn’t him that was triggering Ilya, but it also made him so very sad for him. Ilya was a textbook case of disorganized attachment.
The internet gave him decent summaries:
“Key Characteristics
Conflicting Desires: Deep need for connection mixed with intense fear of being hurt or abandoned.
Fearful-Avoidant: Wants closeness but panics as it gets near, exhibiting both anxious (seeking) and avoidant (pulling away) behaviors.
Inconsistent Behavior: Oscillates between being affectionate and suddenly becoming hostile or withdrawn.
Difficulty Trusting: Struggles to believe partners will support them, expecting eventual rejection.
Emotional Dysregulation: High anxiety, emotional highs and lows, and trouble managing stress.
Self-Sabotage: May end relationships prematurely because the fear of hurt feels inevitable, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Roots in Childhood
Often develops from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect where caregivers were frightening or inconsistent, creating a "fright without solution".
In Relationships
Push-Pull Dynamic: Compulsively seeking intimacy, then acting out in ways that sabotage it.
Mixed Signals: Partners feel confused by the contradictory actions.
Vulnerability Issues: Difficulty opening up and being truly vulnerable.
How to Heal
Therapy: Trauma-informed therapy to process past experiences.
Self-Awareness: Recognizing patterns and understanding the fear-based reactions.
Building Secure Bonds: Developing trust through consistent, safe relationships with therapists or supportive partners.”
Yep, definitely textbook. He knew that getting Ilya to therapy was a pipe dream, a pipe dream that would also require Ilya to also be aware of his situation, which it was highly doubtful that he was. This left him with only one option: Try and become a consistent and safe person for him. He wanted to be that for him, but he wasn’t sure Ilya would let him. He also had no idea how to even do this, since they didn’t even see each other regularly and to top it off, Ilya would just ghost him for months.
The next chance he saw, was the All-Star Games in Tampa. He’d have to gauge the situation first, but if Ilya seemed at all receptive, he would try. Knowing about Ilya’s psychology (from the internet) now, he also understood how additionally damaging it must have been, when he panicked and ran away the last time they were together. He realized that the very first time Ilya had felt safe enough to open up to him, he abandoned him. Literally the worst thing you can do to someone like Ilya and he’d never forgive himself.
Shane knew he had his own issues, but they weren’t nearly as bad as Ilya’s. He also knew that the reason he freaked out was now no longer a trigger for him. He’d accepted it, he was gay and he was no longer afraid of what that meant for him personally, just how society would react, unfortunately.
So, he was determined. Terrified, but determined.
————————————————-
After he had settled into his hotel room, he wandered down to the hotel bar, where he instantly spotted Ilya having a drink. He took deep breath and prepared for whatever was to come…
Their conversation had gone well, there was light flirting and smiles and some mutual laughter. Shane felt his heart lighten a little and he was now extremely excited for this game and having Ilya and him be on the same team. Their chemistry was palpable on the ice and both felt joy for playing hockey, like they hadn’t felt since before going professional. The mood was lighter, the pressure was less, it had been sheer fun.
After the game, Ilya found Shane sitting on the beach watching the sunset, and after a few minutes of talking more about compatibility, Ilya inched his hand over to touch their thumbs together in the warm sand. It was the moment, he decided to take the risk.
“What room are you in?
————————————————-
The amount of nerves Shane felt walking to Ilya’s room were akin to the first night that he had waited to see, whether Ilya would really knock on his door at around 9pm. His stomach was in knots, he felt physically ill. And now, here he was in Ilya’s room, sitting on his bed trying to have the most difficult conversation he’d ever had with anyone in his life. It wasn’t going great thus far…
“What does it fucking matter!?” Shane hated when Ilya yelled at him, it cut deep every time. His nervous system goes into overdrive and he usually just retreats. Not this time though, he had to clear the air.
“I don’t think, I can pretend like I don’t like you anymore.” Shane said with as steadfast of a voice he could muster.
“You don’t like me…” Ilya said dismissively.
“Yeah, I do! I think, I like you maybe a little bit to much.”
“Don’t, don’t fucking do this, Hollander… I’m not…” Ilya exhales.
Shane clocked in on those two words, his mind racing to fill I the gaps…
He’s not… not what? Wait… he can’t really think…
But then Ilya’s voice cut off his train of thought.
“I would not be able to go home again. Ever! Do you get that?” He asked with exasperation in his voice, now looking directly at Shane’s face.
“Because your family?” Shane asked shakily.
“Because of Russia! I would not be able to go back to Russia!” He blurted out quite loudly and with more exasperation in his voice, confronting Shane with his grim reality.
Shane knew he’d hit on a painful topic, so he proceeded carefully and asked “What would happen to you?”
“I don’t want to find out!” Ilya said shaking his head.
“But would your parents…”
The second he brought up his parents, Ilya looked away again.
“My father is police, my brother is police…”
“And your mother?”
“Dead.” He stated factually.
“I’m sorry…” Shane said softly. He didn’t know. He felt terrible.
“I was young… My father is a very old-fashioned… and sick.” Ilya explained.
“Sick, like crazy?”
“That, too a little, but no, sick more like…”
“Oh, like cancer?” Shane’s anxiety and neurodivergent brain offered up.
“Dementia.”
“That’s awful.” He felt a tinge in his heart. He had known Ilya for so long and he had no idea about his specific family dynamics.
It was at that moment something broke in Ilya and he had to turn his face away from Shane. He never showed emotions like this, emotions were beat out of him from an early age.
Shane noticed it and he realized he may have pushed too hard and when he saw a tear roll down Ilya face, he actually got worried.
“Hey” he tried to get Ilya to look at him, focus on him, but he wouldn’t, so he got up and turned in front of him.
“Hey”, he said again and when he heard Ilya's shaky voice say “Sorry…” his heart broke.
He crawled onto Ilya’s lap, held Ilya’s face and kissed him as gently as he could and then just wrapped him in his arms and held him, rocking back and forth trying to soothe him, while Ilya kept crying.
They’ve shared a lot of intimate moments over the years, but this felt different, even more so than the day they spent at Ilya’s house before Shane panicked and ran away. It occurred to him, that Ilya had probably not been held by anyone since his mother died or even long before that. It broke his heart even more.
“You have nothing to be sorry for”, he whispered into his ear, hoping it would take the weight of this situation off of him. He felt Ilya shake his head slightly against his chest.
Shane wasn’t sure how to get Ilya to understand that showing emotions wasn’t a sign of weakness or something to be sorry for, it tore at him.
“And Ilya… “, he breathed into his neck, “you ARE… You ARE worth it!”
He felt Ilya’s frame stiffen up beneath him, so he turned his head slightly to place his lips on his neck. “You are worth it.”
And then he felt wetness on his cheek and realized Ilya was shedding more tears. He pulled back from their embrace and moved his hands up to Ilya’s face, holding it in place and wiping the tears from his face with his thumbs. “You are worth it!” He whispered softly one more time and placed another soft kiss on his lips.
———————————————————————
Ilya hated when he lashed out at Shane. He hated it and felt instant regret each and every time it happened, but it was an almost involuntary response, whenever someone poked at the wall he has built up around his heart. Although, he knew Shane didn’t deserve any of it, Shane was different. He could see the hurt on Shane’s face and almost feel how his body retract like he just physically lashed out at him. Ilya wished he could get that part of him under control for Shane.
So this time, he did try and when Shane asked him about his father, his brain went in overdrive and his body was responding in ways he was not comfortable with. He didn’t lose control, it was not in his nature. Control is how he stayed safe, even when he was in heated sexual situations, he never does actually let the situation control him. So, crying in front of Shane felt like his body was betraying him. He was entirely outside of his comfort zone. Showing emotions, other than anger or aggression, indicated weakness and weakness was not allowed in his family’s world. Ever.
He tried to regain control, but his resolve crumbled the second Shane crawled into his lap and he felt Shane’s lips graze his. He completely fell apart, when he heard Shane tell him he was worth it, because he didn’t think he was worth it. All of his life, he was told that he wasn’t worth anything, unless he won tournaments or provided money. Being told all of your life that you do not matter, unless you can provide something in return, will devastate your self worth, if there ever was any to begin with.
Sex was the only way Ilya knew how to get any kind of validation or affection from anyone and it had started at a young age, only a few years after his mom passed away. So, this is how he saw the world and people around him; it was all transactional and people were never a constant in his life. If you don’t get close to anyone, they could not hurt or exploit you. It was that simple, and it worked.
So, when Ilya felt Shane’s lips again, he started to respond the only way he really knew how. He needed to find his safe space again, so he tried to regain control over the situation and deepened the kiss, trying to gain entry to Shane’s mouth and make contact with his tongue. His hands started moving up and down Shane’s back pulling him into his chest and then moving down to pull his hips into his. Sex was the only way he could regain control and show Shane that he really did care about him
—————————————————————————
Shane felt the shift in Ilya’s demeanor and he understood it well at this point. He decided then an there that this was not what Ilya needed right now. He wanted to break that cycle. Even if what was about to start, felt like heaven and he had missed him, this, so much! But this time would be different. It had to be.
He felt the familiar heat swell in his groin and when he felt Ilya grow hard beneath him, he broke away from the kiss “Ilya… wait…” he breathed heavily. He had a plan. Well not really a plan, just an idea. A risky one, but it’s all he had or could come up with.
“What? Wait what?” Ilya breathed equally heavily trying to reach for Shane’s mouth with his, his face still wet and his eyes still watery.
This was it, this was the moment. He forced Ilya’s eyes to his, holding his face steadily in place.
“I want to fuck you.” He said with as much bravery and confidence he could somehow come up with.
—————————————————————————
Ilya froze in place, confusion and panic flashing across his face. He didn’t even know what to say, this wasn’t how things usually go. Shane was throwing him off left and right and he had no idea how to react, nor did he have words he could come up with for a response. Neither in English, nor in Russian.
—————————————————————————
Shane saw the look on Ilya’s face.
“Please let me fuck you” he said ever so softly, nudging their foreheads together.
“Shane…” is all Ilya could muster, still not sure what was going on.
Shane closed the gap between their lips.
“I want you to feel how you make me feel.”
Ilya’s heart jumped out of his chest and he had no idea how he managed to not start crying again.
“Please…” He kissed Ilya’s neck up to his ear and breathed into it. “… let me do this for you.”
After a few seconds, he locked eyes with him again, Ilya’s face still filled with sheer insecurity; and while he could hear his poor heart pounding out of his chest, he could also feel his erection grow by the second.
All Ilya could do was nod, entirely out of it, entirely overwhelmed.
—————————————————————————
When Shane registered the nod, a flash of warmth washed over him and he gave Ilya a reassuring smile. He curled his hands under Ilya’s shirt and pulled it up over his head and did the same with his, then proceeded to let his hands trail over his chest until they reached his neck and kissed him more passionately now. He could feel the tension in Ilya’s body.
“We will go slow” he reassured him, just like Ilya had that first night.
Ilya was still somewhat in shock with the roles being reversed, but he also could not, would not, and did not want to, say no.
Shane stood up and shed the rest of his clothes and then pushed Ilya back onto the bed and crawled on top of him. He started a trail of kissed from his mouth down to the rim of his pants and proceeded to pull them off, revealing Ilya’s very evident erection. His hand wandered up Ilya’s stomach right before he took him into his mouth and stroked his tongue long it for a few seconds. God, he had missed this!
He heard Ilya moan his name “Shane…”
He released his cock from mouth from and climbed back up to eye level to kiss him feverishly.
“Turn on your side” he said with quiet confidence.
“It’s ok” he said as he moved his hands to Ilya’s hips to nudge him along.
Shane knew he needed to give Ilya a second to adjust mentally and make sure it was till ok with him. He turned around and opened a drawer in the night stand, where he was certain there would be lube and condoms, because of course there would be…
He scooted up behind Ilya and started caressing his side all the way from his thigh, top to his chest and neck and back down, giving Ilya second to relax. He still could feel his body hold the tension. He moved his face closer to his ear.
“Try to relax.”
“I…; I’m… ooohhh!” Ilya sighed as he felt Shane’s fingers slip between his cheeks.
Shane couldn’t see Ilya’s face, but he could see his head moving in response to his ministrations. He pressed his finger onto Ilya’s opening for the first time.
“Is this ok?” He asked, making sure the entirely emotionally overwhelmed man next to him was still ok with this. He saw Ilya nod slowly. Shane massaged Ilya’s entrance for a few seconds, eliciting sighs and moans.
“Does this feel good?”
Ilya was still mostly unable to speak, his brain trying to catch up to his current reality..
Shane started kissing Ilya’s back and neck and grabbed the lube and swiftly added some to his fingers.
He returned his hand and slowly inserted the tip of his middle finger which made Ilya moan out loud “Oh god, Shane…”
Shane pushed his finger in deeper, moving around slowly still placing open-mouthed kisses on his back, is own erection was growing hard fast. After a while, he added a second finger, knowing that Ilya would need it to make him comfortable with what was to come. He could tell Ilya was getting more and more aroused.
For a second, he noticed Ilya trying to turn around and roll onto him, but he prevented him from doing so. He held his hips in place. The tension had his body had barely subsided.
“No, not this time”.
“Shane, I… “ Ilya whimpered.
“Hmm… It’s ok…” he blew into Ilya’s neck.
He finally covered his own erection with lube and then grabbed and moved Ilya’s leg and moved it up exposing his entrance. He pushed his erection close to it spread lube around the area.
Ilya was getting increasingly nervous and Shane could tell.
“Do you trust me?” He asked quietly
It took Ilya a second, but he nodded, “yes.”
Shane wasn’t sure where he was drawing this confidence from, but he’s glad he he did, because this was all new to him, too. He positioned his cock at his entrance. He tried to push in, but felt instant resistance.
“Ilya… “ he whispered “please let me fuck you.”
Ilya was close to panicking “I am trying…”
Shane’s hand travelled up and down Ilya’s body again trying to soothe him. He had an idea. He’d learned it while doing yoga breath work.
“Ok… take a deep breath. Calm down.” He gave Ilya a few seconds to breathe.
“Deep Inhale and…” as Ilya exhaled, he felt Ilya’s entrance relax and he started to push in the tip of his erection. Ilya moaned loudly and Shane felt equally as overwhelmed. But this wasn’t about him, this was about Ilya, and Ilya only. So, he stayed on task.
“That’s good… he murmured into Ilya’s ear, “inhale and…” another few inches diapered into Ilya.
“Oh god, Shane, please…” Ilya was out of his mind not knowing where was up and where was down.
“One more time.”
Ilya took a deep breath and with one last push, he felt Shane enter him completely. He had never felt this exposed and helpless and it scared him.
“There you go” Shane said hoarsely. “I’m inside you.”
And with that, Ilya’s whole body started to relax and a wave of warmth spread through him. Shane gave Ilya a few seconds to adjust.
“Are you ok? is this ok?” Ilya wasn’t sure he was nodding or not, but he must have, as he felt Shane starting to move slowly.
Ilya’s breathing intensified, as did his moans. He had never felt anything like this before, it was an entirely new sensation. He had never even thought about this before.
After a lazy minute, Shane’s thrusts intensified, both in speed and in pressure and Ilya started get increasingly dizzy.
“This is what you make me feel like, Ilya."
Ilya buried his face in a pillow trying to hide the emotion washing over his face as his body was building up to, what he can only assume would be, the most intense orgasm he’d ever felt.
Shane wanted to see Ilya’s face, he thought about trying to turn his head to his, but also knew he was already overwhelmed and, as weird as it sounds, giving him that space and privacy would probably be best for him right now. He could tell Ilya was building up to a release, but also felt him fight it.
“Ilya… I need you to let go.” He breathed into his ear, while tracing his hand across his chest and up his throat, still thrusting into Ilya in rhythmic manner.
Ilya was fighting it, it was too much.
“Let go… I’m here.”
Ilya’s felt his soul leaving his body. He felt Shane everywhere, inside him, around him, everywhere and nothing had ever felt this good. He was floating and his hand started flailing trying to find anything hold onto. Shane saw it and captured it with his, pressing both their hands down in front of Ilya’s face. He could see beads of sweat from on Ilya’s back and neck dampening his curls. He smelled like heaven. He pushed his face into Ilya’s neck.
Shane’s thrusts increased even more, he could barely hold on himself, but again, this wasn’t about him
“Please, Ilya, let go… You’re safe. I’m here, you’re safe!”
And with that, Ilya’s orgasm washed over him in waves his body collapsing like his bones left his body. It was intense and longer than he was used to.
“Oh my god, Shane… Shane!” He eyes rolled back, as he screamed into the pillow.
And with that, Shane also came and pulled Ilya tightly into his body.
“Oh, god, Ilya!” He exhaled while his face was still buried in Ilya’s neck and curls.
Shane slowed down gradually, his thrusts going back to the lazy movements he had started out with until he was still.
And then, there was silence… until Shane heard quiet whimpering. Ilya was sobbing into his pillow and Shane’s worry instantly went through the roof.
Had this been too much? Did he hurt him? Did he do something Ilya hadn’t been ok with?
He let his penis slip out of Ilya and touched his shoulder, panic written across his face.
“Ilya… Ilya are you ok? I’m sorry…”
Ilya finally turned around and without looking at Shane, wrapped his arms around him and just curled up into him, sobbing like the broken child he was. Shane could feel the fear and desperation in Ilya’s grasp, as he clung to him. He pulled him in and hugged him as tightly as he could, stroking the back of his neck and hair, doing his best to comfort him. He placed his lip on top of his head, keeping them there.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”
Ilya tightened his arms and shook his head slightly indicating that he was ok.
After a few minutes, Ilya had calmed down and had loosened his grip on Shane a bit. He felt his composure return little by little, but was still in an absolute haze of emotions.
Shane thought that this might be a good time to take a shower and give Ilya some space.
“Hey…I am going to take a shower, if that’s ok with you?” He softly stroked he back of Ilya's neck with one hand, his back with the other.
Ilya released him from his hug.
“Can I come with you?”
Shane smiled and pulled Ilya’s face up to his and placed a kiss on his lips. Ilya was still not able to make eye contact again. A lot was going on all at once for him.
They got up and Shane took Ilya’s hand and led the way to the shower, Ilya trailing closely behind him, but not letting go of his hand. Once the water was warm, they both stepped into the stream, water instantly soaking their bodies. Shane lathered up and cleaned himself up meticulously.
Ilya stood in front of Shane, his head still slightly down, lathering his own body up.
“Hey, Ilya, are you ok?” Shane was still worried.
Ilya closed in and embraced Shane in yet another hug and nodded.
“Yes.”
His hands slid down Shane’s back to his hips and he moved in to kiss him. It was timid at first, but quickly turned into a passionate dueling of tongues. It was then, that Shane knew Ilya was ok.
—————————————————————
Ilya still felt more vulnerable than he cared to admit, but he regained some of his composure. His right hand dropped down to Shane’s cock, starting to stroke him. Shane moaned into Ilya’s mouth and he quickly dropped to his knees, taking Shane into his mouth, sucking while warm water rained down on them.
“Oh my god… Ilya… Ilya!” He sighed loudly.
Shane felt an orgasm building inside him. He wasn't used to being the one in control, so he was also mentally exhausted himself, so when his orgasm hit, he felt his knees weaken and buckle.
“Ilya, I can’t… Oh my god… Ilya… ooooohhh!” Shane could no longer hold on.
Ilya released him and moved up to catch him, before he could fall to the ground. He lined his face up directly with Shane’s, his eyes fluttering across his face. He could tell Shane was still coming down from his orgasm breathing heavily. He finally locked his eyes onto his, intently. He put his forehead against Shane’s, never breaking eye contact. He was lucky, the stream of water from the shower hid another tear leaving his eyes.
“Thank you.”
Shane’s heart warmed like it had never before and a wave of relief washed over him. He smiled shyly.
“You’re welcome”.
They stood there just staring at each other for another minute, then proceeded to step out and towel each other dry. There weren’t words needed at this point. Actions had spoken louder than words.
After a few more lazy kisses against the bathroom sink, Shane knew he had to get going, it was already very late. Neither of them wanted to part ways, but both had early flights, as always.
“I should go…” It was a sentence they were both all too familiar with and hated deeply.
“No, but ok…” Ilya sighed jokingly not wanting to let go of him.
Shane got dressed, Ilya remained in only his underwear and sprawled back across his hotel bed. A hotel bed, that would forever be seared in both of their minds.
As Shane walked to the door, he looked back at Ilya on the bed seeing Ilya stare at him.
“What?” He chuckled.
“Nothing…” Ilya said coyly. “Good night, Shane.”
Shane smiled, the use of his first name no longer sparking panic throughout his whole nervous system.
“Good night, Ilya”, he said, as he peeked outside the door to make sure the coast was clear.
And then, he left, and Ilya was alone again. He sank down into the mattress, processing the events that had just occurred.
He suddenly felt the loss of Shane’s warm body more so than ever, but he felt different, he felt hopeful. He felt safe. He’d never felt this safe before.
And with this new warm feeling surrounding him, he drifted to sleep…