Chapter Text
Rudo can't sleep. He hasn't slept in the past 2 days.
He can't do anything but stare at his hands..
He usually slept with his gloves, but for some reason, he decided not to tonight. Why? Because he felt a need to block out the thoughts in his head, that's why. Whenever he felt unbearable pain, it usually calmed the voices in his head to a minimum. He sighed, closing his eyes again in order to try and fall asleep, but of course it didn't work. It never did. His room was dark, with silence surrounding him like a cloud. He hated it. He grew to like the noise of other cleaners bustling about HQ. He liked listening to his teammates bicker and joke around with each other. All of that noise helped him escape the voices in his head and the pain in his hands.
Rudo's breath hitched. The pain in his hands was intense.
I deserve this.
Rudo sat up in his bed. His hands felt like they were on fire. He looked at his gloves sitting on his nightstand, and he grabbed them. He hugged them to his chest, remembering his last day on the Sphere before being thrown down here. He remembered Regto's face. He remembered Regto's voice. He remembered it all, like it was a poison he could never get out of his system.
His breath hitched again, before he felt a tear fall onto his thigh, with more soon following.
When was the last time he cried? He didn't know. He can't think of anything due to the hazy fog in his brain. The pain isn't bad enough to silence it all.
Regto.. please help me..
Rudo stood up, gently placing his gloves back onto his nightstand. He walked to the bathroom as he stared into the mirror, noticing the dark circles under his eyes growing larger every day. He looks down, noticing the small razor sitting on the sink.
Please make it stop.
He picked up the razor, sitting down on the toilet seat before he looked down at his thighs. Did he have any clothes that he could use to cover the scars besides his uniform? He sighed, remembering that he did indeed. That was the only reassurance he needed before he made cut after cut along both of his thighs. It hurts. He stares at the cuts wondering if he cut deep enough. He wants the cuts to stay, he needs them to hurt when he moves, he needs them to sting after every fight with a trash beast. He decides to make a few deeper cuts before tossing the razor back onto the sink. He stood up, not caring enough to bandage the cuts or wash away the blood falling down his legs.
He changes into pants rather than shorts. He's ready to stay up all night again.
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Rudo was sitting staring up at the ceiling again, this time with his gloves on and a warm orange hue coming from his window. He starts to hear footsteps walking around outside his door, it's morning.
He hears a soft knock on his door and a familiar voice.. It's Enjin.
"C'mon kid! Come get some grub before this job!"
Rudo groaned before he sat up. Another sleepless night.. that makes 3 in a row. He quickly gets ready before meeting the rest of Team Akuta in the cafeteria. Riyo and Zanka are chatting about their upcoming job. Enjin is standing with Semiu, chatting with her about who knows what. He grabs some food and sits next to Riyo and Zanka, listening to their chatter. He felt lighter, listening to their words before they inevitably look over at him.
"Rudo, you know what our job is today?" Riyo questions, stuffing her face mid sentence.
"Riyo, c'mon use your manners.." Zanka sighs, looking at Rudo before explaining the job. "We got a job near some town. Apparently a pack of trash beasts are causing trouble near the walls of the town, we gotta take them out." Zanka yawns, already seeming bored of the day.
"'kay.." He was more focused on the little stinging sensation on his thighs. His face didn't show any sign of pain, but even a fool could tell how distracted he was.
"Rudo, you okay?" Riyo asks, looking a little worried. Or was she just annoyed that he was ruining the mood? Rudo had no idea. He just nods as he finishes his breakfast.
He suddenly feels some arms around his shoulder, and apparently Zanka did too as his face changes to mildly concerned to spooked, not expecting the physical contact. Enjin was behind them, his hands on both Rudo and Zanka's shoulders.
"You guys ready to hit the road?" Enjin smirked. That was their sign that it was time to head out.
Rudo follows behind them as they head towards the car, climbing in. Rudo sat in the back with Riyo, while Zanka sat in the front with Enjin.
The job itself was easy. However, Rudo felt the sting of his cuts every time he had to jump out of the way of a trash beast trying to claw at him. He grunted with each stinging sensation he felt. He could feel some blood trickling down his legs as already fresh cuts reopened. He stood there, distracted as Riyo took care of the remaining trash beasts. He couldn't hear anything besides his own thoughts. He gulped, looking around and making sure nobody was looking at him. No one was.
He quickly sat behind a wall, rolling up his pant legs to see the scars. They keep stinging. Rudo takes a deep breath as he puts his pant legs back down. He puts his head in his hands.
"Dammit.. dammit it all..!" He whispers to himself. He can feel his breathing fasten. He could hear the footsteps of his teammates getting closer, so he quickly changes his posture and his expression to normal, grabbing his water bottle to make it look like he was just taking a break.
"Yo, you good, man?" Enjin looked over the wall, umbreaker in his hands.
Rudo quickly looked up. "Yeah, just taking a break." He sighs. He can feel Enjin's suspicious gaze on him.
"C'mon kid, let's take a walk." Enjin hops off the wall, using his finger to direct Rudo to follow him. Zanka and Riyo are too busy taking a break in the car to notice the two walk off, which makes Rudo happy that they're not here to see him vulnerable. Oh yeah, he forgot he's about to be seen vulnerable. As they walk, Rudo can't help but feel his breathing getting faster and faster, and his heart beating just as fast.
Enjin taps umbreaker on the ground. "Here's fine."
Rudo didn't even realized they walked all the way to a nearby building, far away from Zanka and Riyo. He starts hyperventilating, gripping onto his shirt tightly as he stared at the floor.
Enjin's eyes widen, putting umbreaker against the wall as he quickly helps Rudo sit down, joining him. "Rudo. Take a deep breath."
Rudo doesn't hear him.
He's going to find out.
He's going to hate me.
I'm making a fool out of myself!
I'm too old to be acting like this-
Rudo takes a deep breath. He looked into Enjin's worried eyes. His breath hitches as he speaks. "I'm fine...! Stop pitying me.. I'm just tired.."
Enjin shakes his head before using his over-sized coat to cover Rudo from the rest of the world.
"Listen, kid. I'm not gonna force ya to tell me anythin'. But, I know somethin's wrong. Breathe."
Enjin's voice grounds Rudo slightly. He takes multiple deep breaths, feeling safe from any eyes on him.
"I.. I don't want to talk about it.."
Enjin nods, holding onto Rudo's shoulders in order to keep him grounded. "'Kay. we'll stay here until you calm down then."
---------------------------------------------------
Enjin was lying on his bed, relaxed. It's been a week since Rudo's panic attack. He didn't tell anyone about it, but he was getting increasingly worried. He heard a knock on his door. It creaked open as Riyo and Zanka peered in. Enjin sighed. "C'mon. Take a seat." He sat up, watching the two sit down on the edge of the bed.
"Enjin.. I think something is wrong with Rudo.. Semiu mentioned to me that he hadn't taken any jobs this entire week. She was going to get on him about it, but he looked like he hadn't slept in days.." Riyo sighed. Zanka nodded. even the strict and usually calm Zanka looked worried.
"Yeah, he never even joined us for dinner today." Zanka said, a look of worry and confusion mixed onto his face.
Enjin eyes narrowed. He knew something was wrong with Rudo, and now everyone else is starting to see it as well.
They all hear a soft *bam* coming from the direction of Rudo's room. There's a pause, but then the sound is heard again.
"What the hell..?" Enjin stood up, putting his coat on before instructing Riyo and Zanka to stay put.
He walks to the room making the noise, seeing that the door is unlocked. He walks in, seeing a familiar silhouette banging his head against the wall. He could see the red splotches of blood on the concrete wall. He looks down as Rudo's breath hitches. He's crying. He walks forward. "Hey-!"
He can see something in Rudo's hands, a razor. He grabs Rudo's shoulder, spinning him around. "Rudo.."
He doesn't need to look down in order to know what that razor was for, but he did anyway.
Enjin didn't say a single word before he got down on his knees and hugged Rudo tightly. "It's okay.. It's okay." Enjin felt pain in his own heart. What the hell happened to make Rudo do this?