Chapter Text
The silence is broken with loud steps. The frozen surface is crushing under his weight as always in December. Everything is frozen around him and it's the perfect reflection of his own heart.
He hates this month.
Slowly, Satoru follows his usual way. Behind the first tree to the left, then 10 steps forward and you’re here.
He can follow this path blind.
Satoru laughs to himself but it echoes nothing inside him. He doesn’t even remember the last time when he enjoyed smiling, or even felt joy alone.
“Hello, Suguru” Satoru smiles “Long time no see” he kneels before the grave of his best friend. The fresh flowers he protects before cold weather are warmer than his hands. But it doesn’t matter, really.
It's fine.
As long as Suguru’s grave has a fresh one.
Satoru frowns at the old flowers, rotten, ugly and completely frozen. Suguru would make fun of him if he saw that.
Oh, how bad Satoru wants to hear his laugh one more time.
Hear his voice for the last time.
See his eyes one more time.
“Sorry I’m late” he takes the old flowers with his free hand and drops them on the side “but I had a rough week” a broken laugh comes through his lips “nothing new, really. The higher ups are a pain in ass as always”. He fills the vase with fresh water and puts the new flowers in. The blue of them is absurdly colourful than Suguru’s grey grave. Satoru hates that contrast.
He hates grey colour in general.
Satoru places his hand on the grave and squeezes “I promise I will come sooner next time” he caresses its surface with fingers.
Satoru sighs and his chest is squeezing his lungs, denying fresh oxygen to fill them.
He stays for an half an hour, it's really cold and he can’t afford to get cold.
“See you soon”
But there was a time when he refused to move away from here, sometimes he stayed here the night, just looking at his name carved into the stone and wishing.
He can’t count the many wishes he had during the years.
It has been six years and Satoru still wishes.
—
Satoru opens the door to his apartment. He frowns at first, but after switching lights on he feels better. A warm light fills the dark apartment and he can finally breathe without heaviness in his chest.
Waiting before the water boils he heads to his bedroom to change into something warmer. His gaze stops at the same shelf as always.
There are so many untouched books. Satoru alone isn’t a big fan of reading, it’s boring for him, but Suguru loved it.
When Suguru had died, Satoru took his books and some of his clothes.
Like that he always has a piece of Suguru with him.
Six years.
In a few days it’s been six years since he lost his one and only.
It's not like Suguru had known about his feelings back then, maybe if Satoru wasn’t such a coward Suguru would be still with him and not six feet under. But deep down, Satoru knows it's not true.
There's nothing he could do to change it.
Everybody tells him he would heal with time, that it needs time to be happy again.
But he’s still at the same place, with the same pain in his chest, with the same grief.
Nothing changed at all.
The only thing that changes is his apartment, they lived together back then. But when Suguru died, Satoru had to move.
Memories were too vivid in their old home, and Satoru felt haunted with Suguru’s ghost in every corner.
On his way back to the kitchen he stops a few inches before the shelf. Suguru had always loved collecting books, even without time for reading he always found time to buy new ones.
Satoru looks at the book with the white and blue cover. He’s familiar with this one, it's the last book Suguru bought before he-.
Satoru shakes his head and takes it out. The cover is absurdly pretty and he hates it.
Before the coffee gets cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi
He remembered how happy Suguru was when he finally bought this book after months of wanting it. It was a month before his parents died, and then Suguru followed them.
Satoru opens the book on the first page and he regrets it right after, he almost starts to cry when he reads the author's note.
“If you could go back, who would you want to meet?”
—
Satoru is walking his favorite way, it's around the river and he loves it here. Usually it's a quiet walk but this time of year the river is frozen and people are skating here. The Christmas songs are playing all around him, it's overwhelming but he needs to buy some presents for Shoko and Utahime.
For the last six years he was always with them for Christmas.
They never let him be alone.
—
“If you could go back, who would you want to meet?”
The answer is so simple he might choke on the answer.
Since the day he opened it for the first time he's been haunted with it. It lives in his mind every minute of the day.
Three days after he loses his mind and when he comes back from work he heads to his bedroom to take the book from his shelf. The cover is really beautiful and he knew why Suguru wanted it.
With the book in his right hand he sits on the couch in his living room. He opens it with careful fingers.
Satoru is not sure if it's the right idea, but he starts reading.
—
“You can't change the future no matter how hard you try”
—
Satoru is haunted with that book in every step he makes, it's with him all day and all night.
He can’t sleep properly and all he can do is think about it. What is the point in going to the past when you can’t change it? Satoru moans with frustration and rolls over to his other side.
The stars are in the night sky, shining.
Existing.
They shine like they’re still alive.
Satoru frowns and lays on his back. All he ever wished for is to say the last goodbye.
Satoru thinks about it. It doesn't feel absurd now, if you have the chance to say the last goodbye– isn’t it enough?
—
Satoru walks by this specific café for the fifth time, and after a few unsure steps he finally decides to go inside.
It was their favorite place, but he’s not a recent customer as before.
He wasn’t there since Suguru took his last breath.
The place is still the same, but he can feel the eyes of the staff watching him.
“Hi, I didn’t see you for a while” a girl says to him when she notices he’s there. Satoru smiles at her. “I was busy” he lied. And she knows he’s lying, but she only nods. He can’t remember her name but it doesn’t bother him. Suguru was the kind one of them, who always remembers names or random things about others.
All Satoru can remember is that she liked Suguru, not in a romantic way, but he was her favorite customer. Satoru was never surprised.
Suguru was loved by everyone.
Satoru makes a quick order to go and leave without looking back.
—
“You must drink the coffee before it gets cold”
—
Satoru comes back the next day, he avoids that place for so long he’s almost ashamed of himself. What would Suguru think about his behavior?
Would he be mad at Satoru? .
Satoru has so many good memories with Suguru here, and even if it hurts, he doesn’t want them to fade.
This time there's a different girl with long blonde hair. She’s smiling when Satoru enters.
As the day before he orders Matcha to go and leave.
—
Satoru is consumed with the book, The chapter Husband and wife almost killed him and he cries for hours. Not just for them, but for what he alone lost.
He cries covered in his blankets, hidden before the world.
But after hours of crying, letting things finally go, he feels better.
—
On Christmas he is with Shoko and Utahime as always and he pretends he’s fine.
He’s not.
The book is still haunting him and the old memories he always refuses are finally free, occupying his head without his chance to leave.
This year, he’s with them only for dinner and leaves the next morning.
Shoko doesn’t want to let him go, but he needs to be somewhere else to breathe.
The book is in his pocket, he walks by the café on his way home and hesitates. The lights are on so that means someone is inside.
And that means the café is open.
With hesitant steps he heads inside.
The doorbell announces his entrance and he finds the blond girl here again.
“Hi! Nice to see you again” she smiles a warm smile at him.
Satoru slowly approaches her and smiles at her. “Can I order matcha and strawberry cake?” he asks.
“Sure, to go?”
“No,” Satoru whispers. “I will stay for a while this time”. He reads the label on her uniform. Yuki. The girl- Yuki, smiles at him and nods.
He takes a heavy breath and sits at their usual place. It's strange to be here again, completely alone. But it warms something inside him, it's like he can feel Suguru’s presence here.
He takes the book and starts reading again while waiting for his order.
“What book are you reading?” Yuki asks him when she approaches him. He doesn’t even notice her presence until she speaks.
Satoru shows her the cover Before the coffee gets cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi and she tilts her head to the side. “Never heard about it before”
“Me too,” Satoru whispers.
“What's it about?” She sits next to him. “I’m Yuki,” she introduces herself.
“Satoru,” he simply answers.
“So, what’s the book about?” she asks again after a moment. Satoru explains it to her quickly. He wants to read again soon but Yuki keeps asking questions.
“The book is not yours?”
“No, it belongs to my friend” Satoru smiles a sad smile, tears in his eyes.
Yuki looks at him carefully and then something switches in her eyes.
“It took me a really long time to go back here.” Satoru looks around the place he once loved the most. “Thanks to this book. I know time traveling isn't real. But a part of him is still here with me. And that's enough"
“Tell me about him,” Yuki asks after moments of silence carefully.
Satoru is staring at the wall before him, the same wallpaper, the same pattern as before. Everything there is still the same, nothing changes but him.
“He was the kindest person I know” he wipes his tears “he loved animals, flowers, books, coffee, nights. It was too easy to love him”
“I don’t remember you two, but I heard my co-workers talking about him. And you. I’m sorry”
Satoru nods. They were regulars back then and Suguru was the kindest person around so it doesn’t surprise him that the staff here knows. “That was his magic, there was something in him that makes people feel better” he let the single tear fall down.
“What about his dreams?”.
No one ever asked this question before and Satoru likes it. “He always wanted to travel the world, see every culture possible, finding new places, searching around cities. Tasting different meals”
“Thats lovely idea”
“Yeah, he planned a trip for use before-“ Satoru can't finish the sentence. “I still have his diary with everything.” Hot tears running down his cheek now, Yuki tosses him a tissue and leaves to the kitchen.
“Have you ever thought about writing a letter for him?” Yuki asks when she returns with a cup of tea.
“No. Why?”
“It seems like you have many things inside you that are suffocating you, because you never let them out. Maybe the best thing for now is to tell it to the paper. You can burn it afterward and pretend it doesn’t exist. But at least your mind might be cleaner”.
“Or I can read it to him” Satoru murmurs, imagining him in Suguru’s grave, reading him a letter. It's better than just crying there for hours.
“That's on you”. Yuki smiles at him “But you deserve to feel better, really. And it can help you”
He thinks about her words, but it almost seems impossible to let go of all of his thoughts and emotions. Then the damage would be just damage and nothing more, and he would feel better.
How could he?
The pain is everything he has now.
It's everything he has.
“But doesn’t that mean I’m letting go of him? Forgetting him?” He hates this idea, but it's the reason why he refuses healing.
“It only means you would live the life he wants to live with you”
After that the room is silent and Satoru is taken back with her words. All those years he thinks that when he heals it will mean he forgets him. That he had never cared enough. But maybe Yuki is right.
Satoru knows Suguru would be mad at him if he knows he loses interest in everything he once used to love.
But still, how can Satoru live his life happily without Suguru? It's impossible.
How can he wake up and be happy when he opens his eyes again?
How can he walk around the city with a bright smile, when the reason for his smiles is no longer here?
How can he heal and let go of him when he was the only person who ever made Satoru feel safe?
“Can I ask? What happened to him?” Yuki asks carefully. And Satoru hates this question, he hates even more telling people. But after all he just said to her.. Maybe she’s the right person right now to talk about it.
Maybe it is finally time to even talk about it.
“His parents wanted him home for Christmas, he thought he would come a day or two before by train, but they came for him a few days before. The last time when I saw him was there, we loved this place. We exchanged presents. He gave me a shirt with my favorite anime and some expensive chocolate with strawberries. The next day I left early for work and his parents took him after lunch.” Satoru stills for a moment with the memories. He almost chokes with his next words.
“During their ride home.. There was a car accident. His parents were dead right after, but Suguru was transported to hospital. He lost his battle on Christmas. I was with him when.. it was strange, one second he was breathing and another.. the loud sounds all around me and nurses were coming to rescue him, but it was too late. I was holding his hand when he died.”
His knuckles turn white how hard he’s holding the table. The only thing that makes him know it’s past is the solid body of Yuki next to him. He knows how she is looking right now. With pity. But when he looks at her, she’s smiling softly at him with tears in her eyes.
“I think he felt safe when he left” and then she’s hugging him tight.
Yuki lets him cry for a long time, allowing all of his tears to come out.
“What would you want to tell him?”
Satoru is silent for a long time, not sure if he’s ready to say this truth out loud.
But can there be any more damage? He buried his feelings for him a long time ago, but it was always there in the corner of his heart. No matter how hard he tries to stop them, it was always there and it will always be there. It's a part of him the same way as breathing.
And it's the only secret he never told him.
“That I love him”
It breaks his heart into a million pieces. It's not “I loved him”, because even after his death, he still loves him and he always will, he doesn’t know how to stop. He doesn’t notice when he starts crying, but it's here. Yuki squeezes his hand and then hugs him.
"I’m sure he knew it. And I’m sure he fought hard to stay with you”.
They’re in a long silence, the only sound around them is clocks and sometimes Satoru’s sniff.
"What was his favorite drink?” Yuki breaks the uncomfortable silence with her soft voice.
“Black coffee” Satoru answers simply, he hears buzzing in his ears. “He loved it but I always hated its taste”
“I can make you some if you want. For him” she smiles and Satoru nods. The memories hurt but he can drink one coffee.
For him.
Satoru is deep in his thoughts when Yuki comes back to him with a coffee pot and a cup. She knows he’s never drunk it so she takes sugar tubes too.
It was Suguru’s habit, so maybe Satoru can drink this bitter coffee and enjoy it.
Suguru always loved it so Satoru may too.
He’s the only customer here when Yuki pours him the coffee. She walks to the kitchen afterwards.
Satoru is staring at the coffee, it's black. It perfectly reflects his empty chest and broken soul.
Nothing more than black hole without life in it.
He's observing it like it might change its matter when he will look long enough. After one sip his face turns disgusting. There’s no way he can drink the whole thing.
Something in the air shifts and his hairs all over his body stand up. He feels sick and his head is spinning. He’s blinking fast, the light around him is changing and his head is spinning. He grabs the edge of the table to stabilize himself before he feels fine again.
Suddenly he feels someone's eyes on him and when he looks up, he finds familiar purple eyes looking at him. Satoru starts to cry when he hears the voice he thought he would never hear again. A soft hand cups his cheek and wipes his tears away, the familiar warm touch he will miss forever.
“Satoru, what is wrong?”