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Pangi quickly finds, everytime he is in Brighton or Lukey comes to the Netherlands, that they can never get enough time out of each other. A week long trip flows over their heads like it's mere hours and as the date of their goodbyes inches closer, nothing feels like enough.
It's Pangi's last day in Brighton today. And it's a quiet day by design. They don't have any plans, no other friends to see, nowhere to go. They want this last day to slow down in time, so all they have to do is bask in each other's presence and pack Pangi's suitcase.
But as the hours turn in Lukey's small apartment, Pangi gets antsy. It's numbing to know that tomorrow morning he'll be on a plane, that he's here on borrowed time. He needs a fix, something to help him forget how truly melancholic he's starting to get. Lukey is just as fidgety as he is, even more than usual. So, he speaks up.
"I wanna do something." Pangi drops his phone on the bed, feigning nonchalance.
Lukey turns to him and raises his eyebrows, skeptical. "I thought you wanted to have a slow day before your flight?"
They haven't discussed it, actually. Not this time around, but they have developed this routine for their trips and their time together, a routine with a bitter expiration date that is starting to get on Pangi's nerves.
"No, I'm… I don't know. I wanna make the most of our time."
It seems like no matter what they do it's never quite enough to quench that thirst for each other, the dreaded empty feeling that takes over once they separate. But Pangi wants to be pulled along somewhere by him, somewhere insane. He wants to fall down a rabbit hole with Lukey, get lost in wonderland. Anything to avoid taking that plane tomorrow. It's a stupid idealistic thought, but he dares to think it anyway.
Lukey observes him for a moment, and his eyes light up with an idea. "Do you wanna do something crazy?"
"Yeah." Pangi's never been so sure in his life of wanting something. Whatever Lukey has for him, he wants.
—
Two hours later, and after many struggles over suits and ties, they're ready to go.
Lukey lends him his navy blue suit again, one that Pangi isn't totally unfamiliar with. He's clumsy with ties and fitted waistcoats, and by habit he ends up with Lukey's hands on him, dressing him. Lukey carefully smooths every wrinkle out of his jacket and adjusts his collar and tie about five times like he's a dress up doll, and Pangi doesn't say a word, he only rolls his eyes and teases him about their proximity.
They stand by the door as Lukey orders them a Uber, and it's already unusual enough for them not to take public transport. They're about to get out the apartment when Lukey turns to him again, an air of unsatisfaction on his face.
He steps up to him and runs a hand through Pangi's messy hair, seemingly eager to tame it into something more classy.
Pangi rolls his eyes. "You know you're getting rid of all my— my natural charisma."
"Oh believe me, I know you look good when you're a mess." Lukey giggles, and there's a tone to his words that make Pangi's face go a bit warm, embarrassingly. "But right now I need you to look perfect, kay?"
"You're not taking me to a PR event, are you?"
Lukey's fingers finally leave his scalp alone, parting and giving Pangi tingles to remember the touches by.
"Even better, my friend." He winks. "Come on, we'll be late."
—
The Uber ride is much longer than anticipated, and no matter how many times Pangi asks, Lukey won't tell him why they aren't just on a train. They've rarely taken an Uber together when public transport was so easy and available. But when they nearly reach the center of London, suddenly, it's a little clearer what they're doing.
Lukey pays the driver and Pangi looks around in the meantime. Before them stands a huge building, walls covered in windows, making the whole inside visible. It's all yellow tinted with moody lights, massive crystal chandeliers and a whole fountain in the center. Only after noticing the tables and the people dining does Pangi realize it's a restaurant. A very fancy one, the type of restaurants only celebrities and business men go to.
Now, Pangi and Lukey aren't poor by any means. They've been to expensive restaurants before, it's common knowledge that their communities are generous with subs... But this is something that would put both their bank accounts in the red.
He turns to Lukey and frowns. "We're not going here. No way."
"Yes, we are." Lukey giggles and walks up to him, extending an arm like he's expecting Pangi to take it.
"We can't afford this, bro."
"No, I know we can't." When Pangi doesn't make any move to link their arms, he does it himself, sliding his hand snug against the inside of his elbow. It's comforting. "Can you just trust me on this?"
Pangi sighs. "… Sure."
They walk up to the giant glass door, and when Pangi rightfully hesitates, Lukey detaches their arms and opens the door, holding it for him with the most annoying little smirk on his face. It feels like a mousetrap has just been drawn taunt for him to walk into, and Lukey's the cheese. Fuck this.
He steps forward decidedly, and Lukey follows, gently grabbing his arm again. It's a little jarring, though. They have always been touchy, the two of them. But they've never quite gone the length of hand holding or anything like this.
They step up to the reception desk and the woman sitting there smiles up at them neutrally. "Good evening, sirs. Have you got a reservation?"
Lukey nods. "A 7pm one, Lucas and Sem Osborn."
Pangi's head turns so fast to look at him that he thinks his neck cracks a bit. He stares Lukey down, lost for words.
"What?" Lukey asks him, amused.
"That's not my name, you…" he's got the word freak on the tip of his tongue, but he knows it would be the wrong thing to say in a place like this, clashing with the classical music and the posh murmurs of conversation. He bites his lip instead.
"Not yet, it's not." Lukey mumbles at him.
And Pangi's face goes warm. Because, flirting isn't foreign to the two of them, not at all, but this is different. Lukey looks at him with an unreadable expression, no trace of humor, only deep rooted affection in his dark eyes. It feels off, and Pangi is left confused for once, guessing what Lukey's intentions are.
The reception worker interrupts them politely. "Your table is ready, Mr. Osborn, just over there on the right."
A waiter standing to the side escorts them to their table, and deposits menus in front of them as they take a sit. Once the waiter walks away, Pangi leans over the table and scolds Lukey as quietly as he can.
"You're acting weird."
Lukey giggles. "I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. But I told you we'd do something crazy."
He pulls the menu open and slides it into Pangi's hands over the table.
"You're serious? There's nothing on this menu under 500 bucks…"
"Order anything. Anything you want."
They spend a few minutes in comfortable silence, as Pangi skims the menu for something at least a little bit reasonably priced. Lukey does the same across from him as he taps the table rhythmically. When the waiter comes to their table again, they both order. Pangi hesitantly asks for his meal, meanwhile Lukey has taken it upon himself to order entres, charcuterie boards to share, stupidly expensive side dishes and a whole assortment of different wines. Pangi can only stare at him in disbelief as the mental calculation of their addition goes up in the the tens of thousands.
The waiter leaves again with their orders written down and Pangi doesn't waste a second before he grabs Lukey's hand, squeezing hard. "What the fuck are you doing?" He whispers. "You- You're not gonna make us run without paying, are you?"
"Of course not. I'm classier than that." With those words, Lukey stands from his seat and clears his throat. It attracts a minimal amount of attention, but the rest of it comes when Lukey circles the table and kneels down in front of Pangi's chair.
He pulls something out of his pocket and everything seemingly goes quiet. The whole restaurant is buzzing around them and them only. Pangi couldn't even notice anyone around them anyway.
Lukey pulls a little jewelry box up and when it opens, Pangi is faced with a ring. Oh
"Sem," He sighs, a nervous happy energy coating his words. "I know we haven't been together for very long, but it feels like I've spent a whole lifetime by your side… Like the day we met was the I first woke up."
He looks emotional, shaky, overcome with affection. Pangi doesn't know if he's acting, doesn't know what's real anymore. Can't process any of this.
"So, my love, would you do me the honor of spending another lifetime being mine? Every lifetime if possible." He raises the little box up like an offering to a god, reverent, worshipping. "Will you marry me?"
Pangi knows that, rationally, in that moment, he should understand that this is all part of Lukey's scheming. Rationally, he knows that Lukey is acting, that those words are just corny and cliché and shouldn't make his heart beat so fast. But also, stuck in that scene he finds that he can't think clearly. The image of Lukey on one knee, the corny words, the silver little ring that Pangi would secretly love to wear for the rest of his days… It all makes him feel like he's gonna implode if he doesn't answer Lukey's question soon.
He looks in Lukey's eyes that reflect a million emotions back at him and he can't imagine a world where he'd say anything except…
"Yes. I will." He chokes the words out.
Lukey's face splits into one radiant grin, and he proceeds to pull the ring from the box and slide it onto Pangi's ring finger, so terribly gentle. But before Pangi has any time to admire the silver shining against his skin, Lukey raises from the floor in a half crouch and embraces him tightly.
Pangi's heart is threatening to beat out of his goddamn chest and jump inside Lukey's. It's fake. He knows it's fake, he really does know it. They're not dating, contrary to what all their friends seem to think, and Pangi's not even gay!
Lukey whispers right up against his ear, intimate. "Can I make this look more real?"
Pangi simply nods against him, at a loss for words.
Lukey pulls back, just a little, looks him in the eyes so very tenderly, and before Pangi knows what's happening, Lukey leans in and lets their lips meet softly.
Oh.
It's short enough for Pangi's brain to lag behind, but long enough for the softness, the warmth, the taste and perfume of Lukey enveloping him to be burnt into his memory. It's enough for Pangi's skin to go hot and cold all over, and for his chest to seize when Lukey pulls away, like he's being deprived of oxygen after breathing for the first time.
And when Lukey pulls back, Pangi tries to follow desperately, gasping for his air.
People around them are clapping politely, congratulating them. And the sound of their hands clapping isn't even loud enough to drown out the thundering thumping inside Pangi's chest. He's vibrating with adrenaline like he has just been dropped off a plane, and Lukey is his only anchor.
When Lukey stands to get back to his chair, he takes Pangi's hand in his across the table, brushing a thumb over the engagement ring with adoration. Pangi shivers from the touch, electrified.
The waiter approaches their table again, cautiously. A small professional smile drawn on his face. "Congratulations, sirs. We would like to offer you a fully compensated bill to celebrate this happy occasion."
Lukey turns to him and acts surprised, sparring just a glance at Pangi as he does. "Really?! Oh, gosh, that's too kind, thank you…"
It's a side of Lukey that Pangi isn't too used to seeing, the one who acts slightly above others, one who feels just a little superior and who thinks he can fool anyone he wants. The same one who goes to PR events and dreams up a whole new life story for himself. This Lukey is exactly the kind who would propose to his friend to get a fancy restaurant to give them free food.
Lukey turns back to him and squeezes his hand over the table, shamelessly. "So, order whatever you want, honey."
—
They spend the evening sitting at this fancy table, eating all the overpriced fancy food they can. They finish one too many labelled wine bottles, and after a while, Lukey even tempts him into ordering extra desserts.
Pangi wishes he could focus on all the new tastes, and the alcohol warming him up pleasantly, but his mind is somewhat preoccupied. The image of Lukey on one knee keeps reeling back like an intrusive thought. And every so often he glances at Lukey's lips across the table, remembering the fleeting touch that got burnt into his mouth.
It's not exactly new for him to get strange fuzzy feelings around Lukey, and he had always wisely decided to ignore them.
But now, now that him and Lukey were sitting in public, putting on a show as an engaged couple, it gave Pangi twice the butterflies he usually endured around him. He finds that it's a little too easy, getting lost in the festive ambiance of their fake engagement, the affection and the joy of it all infecting him.
Lukey looks up at him through his eyelashes and extends a small fork at him. "You have to try this cocoa cake, baby, it's delicious."
Baby, baby, baby, Pangi's mind chants, distracting him from the question.
"Tell me how a cocoa cake is any different from a chocolate cake again?" He asks, in bad faith.
Lukey rolls his eyes and jabs the little fork in his direction. "Don't be ungrateful. It's a cake made from cocoa, obviously."
He brings the little piece of cake all the way to Pangi's mouth, and when he tries to steal the fork from Lukey's hand, he pulls it away quickly. He smirks at Pangi and brings the cake to his lips again, nearly prying his mouth open.
Pangi ends up swallowing down his protests and taking the bite off Lukey's fork, keeping eye contact with him. He barely registers the taste of rich chocolate melting in his mouth, wishing it was Lukey's lips, his fingers, his skin that he was tasting instead.
Oh.
He swallows around soft cake filling and lets Lukey take his fork back. He wants to shake his head, slap himself, or go to the bathroom and put his face under the freezing tap. But at the same time, he can't leave Lukey here, and if any of the staff were to ask him questions about their engagement, he would implode.
"So? Good, right?" Lukey asks, skeptical of his zoned out expression.
"What?"
"The cake."
"Oh, yeah… It was good." He mumbles.
The waiter walks up to their table once again, discarding their dessert plates. "Congratulations again, sirs. The chef would like to let you know that we would gladly provide catering for your wedding ceremony."
Lukey chuckles nervously. "We haven't got a set date yet but we'll make sure to contact you then." He turns to look at Pangi expectantly, like he wants his input.
"Right." He says behind clenched teeth.
A wedding with Lukey. The thought is dizzying. It makes him nearly nauseous. He imagines himself across from him under the blinding summer light, dressed in a black suit contrasting Lukey's all white one. They'd be framed together by an arch of braided flowers, roses of all colors. And Lukey would pout and try to convince Pangi to make their wedding theme all white.
It's a dreamy thought. One Pangi shouldn't be thinking about his friend, about a man. But he finds himself starving more than he was before they entered the restaurant. The craving eating at the inside of his ribs. Nut it's upsetting too.
When they leave the restaurant —without paying, which is a disorienting feeling— they wordlessly decide to take a walk before getting another Uber home. Pangi needs the fresh air more than ever, and they both like walking together. The sun is setting in the distance and the air is getting colder.
"How'd you know that would work?"
Lukey laughs. "The engagement thing? Some friends of mine proposed here."
"That's insane. You're insane." Pangi decides to walk just a little ahead of him, just to be safe and avoid looking at him.
"Well, I told you I wanted to do something crazy. Good enough for your last day here?"
The words are like a punch to Pangi's chest, knocking the air out of his lungs. Suddenly he's reminded that tomorrow morning, he's flying away. That he's gonna leave Lukey, that they're not gonna magically move in together, plan their wedding, spend lazy days in bed together, kissing…
Pangi swallows nervously, realizing that he's gonna leave Lukey's side with a mind plagued by thoughts of his lips, and a craving for him that burrows deep into Pangi's skin. Each second that passes he wants Lukey more, in ways he has never wanted a man before, and it's tearing him apart. Getting on that plane in the morning sounds like a new kind of torture.
"It was… Fun, I guess." Pangi mumbles, unable to hide his disappointment.
Lukey's steps seem to falter before he accelerates, trying to catch up with Pangi. "You're not upset with me, are you?"
"I'm not."
"You sound like it,"
The last thing Pangi wants is to make Lukey feel bad about this. He isn't upset at him, at all, if anything he's upset with himself. He's mad at his own traitorous brain that suddenly got hung up on the idea of marrying his friend. They're not even dating, how stupid could he be?! He's mad at that restaurant staff, who gets to see them from the outside and only know them as fiancees, live in a blissful reality that Pamgi wants so bad.
He's mad at the fucking silver ring that's still on his finger, the one he never ever wants to take off.
"It's fine, Lucas. I just… I'm being a dick. Ignore me."
Lukey huffs, shaking his head. He's almost walking by Pangi's side now but he stubbornly avoids eye contact. "I'm not gonna ignore you, I did this with you. For you."
"For me?" His heart stupidly skips a few beats.
"Yeah. You know I wouldn't have done this bullshit with anyone else, dude."
Pangi stops suddenly in his tracks, turning to Lukey finally. He looks apprehensive, and a little confused.
"Don't say that." Pangi hisses, laughing bitterly. "That's so fucked."
They have both come to a stop in the middle of this street, face to face and with electricity dancing in the air.
"Why? What's wrong?" Lukey asks, softly. Concern shining in his dark eyes. Pangi wants to drown in them, fuck everything, all his duties and the distance between them when he inevitably goes home. He wants to make a home in the dark brown of Lukey's iris and die there. He wants a lot of life-changing, terrifying things.
"You wouldn't— like, pretend to propose to anyone else?" Pangi sounds pathetic, nearly begging him to answer the words he wants to hear.
"Can't say it has crossed my mind before, no."
"Why?"
Lukey's smile turns nervous. He shrugs helplessly. "Why? I don't know. It's… It's a very 'us' kinda thing, isn't it?"
Pangi pauses for a moment, letting the words rest between them, trying to parse through the thoughts encumbering his mind.
"And, you kissed me." He frowns.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"
Pangi interrupts him, panicked. "Don't apologize!" His heart aches at the thought that Lukey could discard the action and its impact in just a few words. Just like that, Pangi would be left stranded, the only one who would have to carry that memory.
Lukey observes him for a moment, expression soft like it had been back at the restaurant. He gently puts a hand on Pangi's shoulder, supportive, uncertain.
"I think you've had a little too much wine, dude, I'm gonna call us a ride, okay?" He speaks softly, so softly, it pierces Pangi's heart right then and there.
"No, no! Don't call it yet." Pangi finds the hand on his shoulder and grips it tightly, greedily pulling it towards his collar and up to his face. He presses Lukey's cold hand against his burning face and hears the man choke at the sudden contact.
He wants to stay in this moment forever. He doesn't want to go back to Lukey's apartment where his suitcase awaits, half packed. Where the reality will violently catch up to him.
"Pangi…"
"Just, give me a moment. Please."
He doesn't know when they'd drifted so close together, but all they can do now is stare in each other's eyes. Pangi wants so much, so so much in this moment. He wants impossible, horrible things. And if he can get away with getting just one thing he wants, he might just survive.
"Lucas." He starts, barely thinking his words through. "You said you'd only propose to me…"
"I— that's— that's not what I said, but okay."
"Would you also, uh, only kiss me?"
Lukey gasps, eyes going wide and his cheeks going red. "What are you even asking me?!"
Pangi huffs, frustration boiling in his veins along all the want. "I'm asking you if I— if you can just fucking kiss me again."
His stomach flips like he's on a rollercoaster, thrilling and scary. But he's being so brave, asking for what he wants.
And Lukey might be feeling brave too, because as soon as the request is out in the open air, Lukey grabs him by his suit jacket and pulls him in, letting their lips collide. It's warm, and soft, and finally, finally, Pangi feels like the static in his brain goes quiet.
He leans into Lukey, impossibly close, melting into him. His hands look for support desperately and land against his waist, gripping his stupid suit jacket. He wants it off so bad, he wants to feel more of Lukey's warmth, he wants wants wants.
Lukey hums against him and bites at his lower lip, teasing and a little mean. Pangi loves it, he finds.
"Feeling better?" Lukey whispers against his mouth, tightening his hold on Pangi's jaw. "You done with your little tantrum?"
"Fuck you."
Lukey giggles. "Whatever you want. Tonight is your night, sir."
Pangi sighs, relieved, and then leans in for another quick kiss, just because he can now. Can't he?
"I think, I think I like you." He mumbles, like it's some big revelation.
Lukey giggles. "Yeah, I think I got that."
"Don't be a dick about this." Pangi groans, finally taking a step back from Lukey. The wind is chillier than he remembers it. "I have my flight tomorrow and I won't see you for like, at least a month! And now I'm pretty sure I'm like, in love with you so… sorry if I kinda freaked out."
Lukey's eyes soften and instead of saying anything he pulls Pangi into a tight hug, burying his face into his shoulder. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay, dude..." He lowers his voice, almost too quiet to catch. "I love you too."
"I never said I loved you, I said I'm kinda in love with you." Pangi mumbles, hugging Lukey back so tightly that they might suffocate like this.
"Shut up, I'm leaving your ass out here and going home without you."
Home… Sounds nice.