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There's a memory that sticks with HD: one that she's been clinging to these past few days, even though the words always hurt. Even though, every time she revisits that moment in her mind, she shivers and nearly freezes up in terror.
Wyll and his gang of henchmen standing a few paces away from her. The ground littered with bodies and cobwebs and bloodied items dropped by the handful of people who'd tried to put up a fruitless fight. Doopter had moved in front of her in an attempt to take Wyll's attention off her. He was clinging tightly to her hand while begging for their lives. Offering anything Wyll wanted, his voice breaking as he pleaded for mercy from the same people who had slaughtered half a dozen innocent people just because they could.
Wyll had just shrugged. Told Doopter that he could work for him as long as he could survive.
And as for HD…
"You're not even worth killing."
It was far from the first time they had begged for mercy from someone.
Even before HD met Doopter, she had been in that situation… so many times. So often that the individual memories have all blurred into a horrible tumultous mess that haunts her. It weighs on her heart every day and never quite leaves her mind, no matter how hard she tries to distract herself with simple things like jokes or cute animals. It keeps her up at night, recalling all of those desperate hopeless moments, and she feels awful that she can't remember which faces belonged to the friends she lost and which faces have just been conjured by her imagination.
How many people has she forgotten?
How much longer until she joins that list of people?
It feels like it's just luck that she's still alive, now, instead of…
HD squeezes her hands into fists. She leans into the anger instead. At Wyll and everyone else who's pushed her around and pushed her down.
At Nufuli.
"You were gonna let me die," she says. She's not walking as fast as she was earlier. First of all, she's tired— this week has been hard on her— and second of all, she thinks she needs a little more distance between the two of them or she's going to…
Doopter's not here now to stand in between her and the guy with the mace this time.
Nufuli's expression is cold when he turns back briefly to look at her. "It was for your own good," he says.
HD breathes in and out, leaning more into the indignation that floods through her at hearing those words. It's just asking for trouble, she knows, but trouble will find her anyway.
And Nufuli…
He just—!
He thinks he gets to decide what's good for her?! What she needs? Trying to teach her how to run instead of how to fight? Shattering her hopes that maybe she could get strong if she just tries? Pushing her into outnumbered, outmatched fights and drawing back just so he can shout at her from the sidelines and make her look like a goddamn fool? So he can jump in afterwards and pick apart how terrible she is?
Asshole.
He's terrible at teaching. He's awful at giving instructions and even worse at providing any kind of encouragement.
And…
And…
She knows she hasn't gotten any stronger this week.
She knows she's just as likely to die from something stupid that wouldn't kill her if she was stronger.
All this week has taught her is that the difference between strong and weak people is that strong people don't seize up with fear when faced with something that can and will kill them. Nufuli looks at danger like it's just an equation of how many resources he's going to need to spend to deal with it all. He could never understand someone like HD, who's had to struggle just for the privilege to keep on existing. Someone who's had to have other people beg for her life on her behalf, because she wasn't even worth listening to.
Why is she even here?
Why is she still waiting for him to do something?
She knows he's not going to help.
He doesn't care.
So she doesn't need him.
If he's just going to tell her to fight, then, well she can do that herself.
If he's just going to tell her to run, well, fuck him. She's not running anymore.
For once in her life, she's going to fight for something. She's going to take her life back into her own hands and try to decide her fate. She's not just going to let stronger people push her around and decide if she's going to live or die. Decide what she's worth.
And the first person she's going to stand up to is going to be him.
She considers it a small victory that he doesn't grab her or shove her when he starts yelling. Even though the words cut like knives.
"You are stupid." he says. "You're an idiot! I've been trying so hard this whole time to help you get the knowledge to survive, not to fight. You can't fight. YOU CAN'T FIGHT. It took you two hours to not even pop my totem. You wanna be some kind of hero, you wanna save the server? You wanna be one of the heroes who end up dying for someone else's cause? You can't! You never will! This server's a lost cause. You are too! I can't teach somebody like you."
HD knows.
She knows.
She's not strong.
But still—
"You think I can't be somebody?" she whispers. "You think I'm a lost cause? I'll show you!" Her hand shakes with how hard she's holding her sword. "I'll show anyone who tries to fuck with me!"
For once, she's glad that he's such an asshole. She's glad that he just turns his back on her and leaves in the opposite direction.
She doesn't need him criticizing her when she finally proves herself.
☠︎︎
There are nearly a dozen decapitated heads speared on sticks at the entrance to the bandit camp. Some of them are gory with congealed and dried blood, while others have clearly been picked at by scavenging animals, and a few more have fallen off the sticks to lie half-buried in the sand.
HD doesn't flinch at the sight of them.
She's seen worse.
She knows, going into this fight, that it probably won't end well. She had struggled against these guys earlier in the week when Nufuli gave her that challenge and she knows she's no better at fighting than she was then. She's still weak. One on one fights are scary enough, and outnumbered fights like this will be are genuinely beyond her capabilities, even if she or Doopter was hyping her up. And Nufuli isn't here this time to wind charge around with his mace and—
Well, screw him.
She calls out to the bandits.
She fights.
She fights.
She fights.
The bandits herd her into an obsidian box with practiced motions like they do this every day. They probably do. They've probably ambushed and tormented dozens of players before her. Those heads at the entrance to the camp might have been other people like her, who came here trying to stop them, or take revenge for their fallen friends or—
HD winces as the bandits take turns hitting her with their swords and axes. Her armor won't last much longer, and the webs make it impossible to get herself out of this.
They're not even taunting her. Some of them even look bored.
Just like—
"You're not even worth killing."
Is she worth killing now?
She still struggles in the webs, lashing out with her sword to try to hit them, to hurt even a single one of them. She hasn't managed to take any of them out, but she's still alive. The fight isn't over until she dies, and she plans on going down fighting.
It's what a hero would do.
She's not going to hide behind anyone else anymore.
She's not going to run away.
If this is her fate, to die alone in a bandit camp without helping or protecting anyone, then at least she's chosen this for herself.
But then Nufuli is here and he's dragging her up and out of the obsidian box. He's shoving ender pearls and webs into her hands. He's trying to push her behind him, but she pushes back.
"HD, get out of here!" he says.
Furious, she throws the items back in his face. She doesn't need his help. She never needed his help. This whole week, he hasn't helped her once. He's told her numerous times that he never planned on stepping in to help her.
Why the fuck is he here?!
"I can do this!" she shouts back. "I can do something!"
Because if she can't even die on her own terms, then why is she living? She refuses to accept that her fate is just to keep struggling and suffering and spending sleepless nights wondering how much longer she's going to live before someone decides that she's a good example to kill to terrorize her other friends.
She's done letting anything hold her back: fear, Doopter, a swarm of other faces who have placed themselves between a sword and HD and have died in her arms for it. She's done with running.
If she's going to be scared anyway, then at least she can face it.
She's going to die afraid anyway.
She pushes away from Nufuli and his stupid items and throws herself back into the fight. Three bandits crowd in on her, but she knows now that she just has to make sure they don't back her into a corner again. She swings back at them, exhilirated when one of them backs off to eat a golden apple.
Nufuli catches up with her again, piling so many webs around her that the bandits can't reach her and frantically replacing them faster than the bandits can break them.
"Please, HD," he pants. "Please just run away!"
As if he cares.
As if he thinks HD will let anyone decide if she's worth killing or leaving alive anymore.
She cuts through the webs herself, charging straight for the nearest bandit as she shakes the sweat and blood out of her eyes.
Nufuli keeps getting in her way. Smashing at the bandits and popping their totems, drawing their attention and leading them away from HD. She burns in indignation, even as she tries to follow them and keep fighting.
But in the end…
She's not strong.
She can't keep up with him. He's on a whole different tier, fighting like a monster with some innate sense for how to move his body, how to swing his different weapons. How to win. He's actually killing the bandits, even though they're all tracking after him now and trying to overwhelm him with their numbers. Just like they did with HD, except Nufuli is strong.
They've moved on from her.
Because she's not a threat.
And she never was.
The adrenaline drains from her body.
The potion effects fade next, leaving her feeling empty.
Weak.
She doesn't want to look at him when he catches up with her later. She didn't bother to stop and pick up any of the gear and resources off the dead bandits. She just wanted to be done with this.
She tried. And she failed.
She's still alive, but it's not because of her own efforts. It's because Nufuli came back for whatever reason. Maybe this is another of his fucking tests, leave her to pick a fight on her own and then jump in right as she's losing. Show her just how pitifully weak she is, that he can handle all of these bandits while she can't even kill one of them. He's got some fucking nerve…
"HD!" he says as he rapidly switches from his elytra to his chestplate. "HD, bro, bro— HD—"
She backs away from him, shaking her head.
"You only want to see me fail," she says, turning her back and breaking into a run across the dusty badlands.
"No, I don't—"
"Get away from me!" she shouts.
"No, no, dude, I'm sorry!" he says. "Seriously, please, HD—"
She whirls on him. He almost looks like he's sorry. Maybe if it was a few days ago, she could have believed it. Maybe if he hadn't told her to her face that she was a lost cause. That he would leave her to die if she couldn't fight. That she wasn't worth—
"You're selfish," she says, anger building and building up in her. "And you only care about yourself. You never wanted to teach me anything!"
"Then why'd I come here to save you?" Nufuli says.
"Cause you wanted to see this?" she says, gesturing at the bandit camp in the distance. "You don't care! You never wanted to help me!"
"That's not true!" Nufuli says. "That's not true at all!"
She shakes her head in disgust and keeps walking away, as fast as she can.
He keeps following her, trying to get her attention and throwing those empty, empty words at her.
"I didn't mean whatever I said when I crashed out on you earlier," he says. "I just— I'm an asshole, alright?"
Yeah.
At least he's genuine about that.
She wonders if he even remembers everything he said to her.
"I'm just an egotistical failure!" he keeps shouting, his voice echoing across the open mesa that they're running through. "I don't know how to understand the concept of caring about anybody who isn't as strong as me. Cause they'll end up dead! You'll end up dead if you keep sticking with me and doing the things I'm doing! I don't want that for anyone. I'm just trying to show you how to survive—"
He has no idea.
He has no idea what HD has had to do to survive.
She never needed any help with sinking to whatever lows she was faced with in order to survive. Begging and bargaining and lowering herself into the dirt like a kicked dog so that she's not worth killing: that's the kind of life she's been living.
Digging tunnels and running away with ender pearls? If that would have protected her and her friends in the past, she would have embraced it a long time ago. Running away only gives her more time to be afraid, and it makes the people pursuing her even crueler when they inevitably catch her.
She wants to fight.
She wants to be better than this.
She barely has a say in how she lives, but she had hoped that at least she could choose how she dies.
Like a hero.
Yeah. Right.
Who is she kidding?
He finally catches her, grabbing her by the arm to keep her from running anymore. A part of her wants to shove back and tell him to fuck off but—
But what would it do?
He's strong and she's not.
She stands there listening as he struggles to explain his reasoning. He just… he so obviously doesn't know how to care about people. He can't give a clear reasoning why he suddenly gives a shit about her now. Just keeps fumbling over his words while clinging to her as if she could run away if he didn't want to let her go.
"I don't want you to die. Then it's just all for nothing."
Oh.
That makes sense.
This is about him. It's still only about him. He's still selfish, but now he's selfish about the time he's invested in her. This isn't about looking out for HD or showing her even a shred of respect; it's about Nufuli and Nufuli's time and resources that he's been wasting on HD. Not wasting, because he needs to make this mean something to him.
More empty words. He's good at that.
He just keeps going.
"I'm a terrible teacher. I didn't realize that if I want to show people the things I know, I can't be selfish in doing it."
Does he even hear himself?
Has he ever actually felt sorry for anything he's done? Has he actually reflected on what he did, or is this just more emotionally-charged rambling that he's going to forget about later? HD doesn't know. All of the time they've spent together this week has proven to her that he doesn't care, but…
He's staring at her, his expression twisted. His emotions laid bare in his eyes and his worrying mouth. Is that how he shows that he's sorry?
"Bravo," HD says quietly.
HD wonders how many times Nufuli has gotten to this point, if he's actually being honest right now. She supposes that he doesn't really have much to gain from lying to her about caring. Even if the majority of him caring comes from him not wanting to have wasted his past week failing to teach her.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry. That's why I came back here to save you."
She looks away again.
She is still alive, for now. And… and he did come back. He didn't just watch from the sidelines. He took over the fight and steamrolled the bandits while she could barely do anything, but he didn't make fun of her or—
Maybe he can change. Maybe not. But maybe it's worth trying one more time. If he's still the same person, then she's going to leave with Doopter and never come back. Try to forget about him. Try something else to keep on living despite how hard it all is.
Despite how weak she is.
"Maybe… do you forgive me? Maybe? Possibly?" He hesitates, and then adds, "One more training session?"
He sucks at apologies.
But HD has just seen, once again, just how strong he is. He might suck at teaching, but she can try to watch what he does and attempt to replicate it later. It can't hurt to try one last time.
"Uh. Sure." she says.
☠︎︎
"What do you think about dying?" Nufuli says.
That takes HD by surprise.
She was sort of expecting more lighthearted topics on the way back, since Nufuli seems almost embarrassed at how he'd been treating her the whole week. It's made the long journey back a little more tolerable. He's not so bad when he's not being a complete asshole, and HD even managed to make him laugh with a silly little joke.
"I mean," Nufuli says. "You talked about how you don't want to die, so…"
"Um," HD watches the ground as she continues to walk through the forest. Dappled sunlight illuminates the mottled brown dead leaves lying thick on the forest floor. "I mean. I've gotten close to death so many times at this point. Even though I dread the thought of it since I have so many friends and so many things I wanna do. After it ends up happening, or if it does ever happen, uh. I think I'd be content."
"You'd be content?" Nufuli says. "That sounds unlike you."
She holds back a scoff.
As if he knows anything about her. They've been together for a week and most of that time he's spent dismissing her and pushing her around. And in response, she's held all her thoughts and emotions close to her chest. He doesn't need to know who she is.
Her past isn't all that interesting, anyway. It's kind of miserable.
Death is…
It's different for someone like Nufuli.
Sure, there are a lot of things she'd like to do. A lot of people she'd like to keep living with.
But…
She's spent so long being exhausted from the price she has had to pay to keep living. The memories of what she's done and what she's been through haunt her every day, along with the faces— The fear of death weighs on her, of course, how could it not? She's come so close to dying more times than she can count. These past few days have only added to that count.
But to die… to let her thoughts and worries and fears end. The peace of nothing. The only proof that she'd been alive at all left in a pile of items that would either be collected by some opportunist or left to despawn. Memories that would blur and fade.
She can find some comfort in that.
"I can technically revive you," Nufuli says.
HD makes a face that Nufuli doesn't see.
"Uh. I don't think I'd want that," she says.
"You don't want to be revived," Nufuli repeats. "That is… what? For someone who wants to live so badly that wasn't quite the answer I was expecting."
HD remains silent, staring at the leaf litter. Shades of brown, layered on top of older fallen leaves, peacefully rotting away until the next life comes in. She steps over it, thin branches and twigs snapping underneath her feet.
"I guess there's a lot of unexpected things about me," she says.