Chapter Text
Saturday
Shane beat Ilya to the front door, just barely. He’d been attempting, and failing, to act nonchalant for the last hour. Ilya had watched him, looking up from his computer every few minutes as Shane brushed imaginary lint off of surfaces, straightened throw pillows and picture frames, and opened and closed kitchen cabinets. Shane had felt his husband’s silent gaze follow him around the house, amused but affectionate, acting as a tether that kept him from drifting too far into his own head. It was a talent Ilya had picked up at some point over the years; he read Shane’s moods better than he could read them himself sometimes, and there were days like today when Ilya could ground him without a word before Shane had even realized he’d started to float away.
The echoes of the doorbell rang through the front hall as he turned in anticipation. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ilya stand and begin to move. On instinct, Shane snapped into action and stepped forward in front of him. Ilya grinned and tried to dodge him, but Shane was quicker. He playfully shoved his husband to the side and closed the distance to the front door with a laugh. He opened it, and there stood Hayden Pike, whose face broke into a smile at the sight of his best friend.
“Shane!”
“Hey, buddy,” Shane returned the warm greeting and stepped back to open the door wider, “Come on in. Hayden stepped into the hall, kicked off his shoes, and wrapped Shane in a friendly hug.
“It’s great to see you, man, I’ve missed you!”
“I've missed you too. How’s Montreal?”
“It still kind of sucks without you there,” said Hayden frankly. He turned and spotted Ilya standing a few steps further into the house. Upon meeting Hayden’s gaze, he stepped forward and extended a hand.
“Pike, welcome.”
“Hi, Roz,” he said, glancing at the outstretched hand in mild suspicion. When Ilya said nothing else, he sighed and accepted the handshake.
“He told me he’d be nice,” said Shane.
“As if that’s ever stopped him before,” retorted Hayden, who couldn’t help grinning.
“You’d better play nice, too,” warned Shane, returning the smile.
“I make no promises,” grinned Hayden, “But for you, buddy, I’ll do my best.”
“Hopefully you’re a better friend than a hockey player, or else we are both doomed,” smirked Ilya, earning him a glare from Shane.
“Enough,” he scolded, and led the way into the living room with Hayden at his side. Ilya followed, half listening as Hayden supplied an endless stream of conversation. Anecdotes about his family were interspersed with gossip from all corners of the league, complaints about the Voyageurs— with particular emphasis on the player who’d replaced Shane, a brash American kid who was all mouth and no talent— and finally, an overly detailed recounting of a movie he’d watched the week prior.
“Something to drink?” Shane interrupted, “We’ve got cokes, beer, water…” he paused as he examined the contents of the refrigerator.
“Sure, a coke sounds great, thanks,” said Hayden, before shifting in his chair and clearing his throat. Ilya sensed he was preparing some kind of announcement, and turned back into the conversation in mild curiosity.
“So, Jackie and I have some news.”
“Ah, she is finally leaving you for zamboni driver,” said Ilya apologetically, “My condolences.”
“Oh go fuck yourself,” snapped Hayden.
“Ilya,” warned Shane.
“Jackie’s pregnant!” Hayden blurted out. Ilya’s mouth dropped open.
“Oh, wow! Um, again? No— sorry, congratulations, Hayden!” said Shane, awkward but genuine. “Seriously, that’s great.”
“Another Pike child!” Ilya said, his voice rising with delight, “Yes, this is wonderful! Best news all week. Very exciting for me.”
“What does this have to do with you?” scowled Hayden.
“I am getting another godchild.”
“Shane is the kids’ godfather.”
“Yes, and I am married to Shane. So I am also a godfather. Package deal. Is good for you— between Shane and myself, your children will have a half decent chance at learning how to actually play hockey.”
Hayden glared at him.
"Hey Shane, any chance you’re considering a divorce?”
“I was just going to text Jackie to ask her the same question.”
“Guys, come on,” pleaded Shane, “It’s been, like, half an hour.”
“Sorry,” capitulated Ilya agreeably, “But we should celebrate. News like this deserves something more than soda, yes?” He stood and clapped Hayden on the shoulder as he walked past.
“Beer? Vodka? I don’t have champagne on hand, but I think I might have a bottle of red somewhere…”
“Beer is great. Uh, thanks.” The words sounded stilted and unnatural as they fell from Hayden’s lips. Ilya observed with some amusement how uncomfortable Pike was with being the recipient of Ilya’s kindness. Interesting. He could use this in the future, if he wanted to. Be kind to Pike until he lost his fucking mind about it.
In the present, though, Ilya kept his mouth shut, and retrieved three Coronas from the fridge. He opened them, and carried them through to the other room.
“To Jackie, an incredible woman, and to the tiny miracle we will all get to meet in a few months” said Ilya frankly. Shane raised a glass, and Hayden followed suit.
“Damn right,” Hayden agreed, taking a swig of beer and continuing, “She’s the best. I don’t deserve her.”
“Mm, correct. Proof that the universe is full of random, unfair events,” said Ilya.
“I really think I’m going to physically fight you before the week is over.”
“Anything to make your visit more enjoyable,” Ilya said, filled with delight at the idea of Hayden Pike attempting to fight him. Not that he’d actually hurt Hayden, of course— that would upset Shane, and Ilya had no desire for violence. Anyway, against his will, Pike had gradually grown on him. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was just way too fun to rile up.
Ilya took a sip of his beer and glanced, first at Shane, then at Hayden. Shane met his eyes and frowned— a silent rebuke, Ilya knew, but a mild one. He wasn’t in trouble yet. Hayden was determinedly avoiding Ilya’s gaze, but his neck hadn’t turned flushed and red the way it did when he got really angry. Ilya considered— he could probably get away with one more.
“Pike,” he began, adopting a serious tone. “I do have one question for you.”
Two annoyed sets of eyes turned his way. It was a challenge to maintain the earnest expression on his face.
Pike sighed, “What, Roz?”
“I am a little concerned that maybe you don’t understand how this keeps happening. Has anyone explained to you how babies are made?”
A dish towel sailed through the air, and collided with the side of Ilya’s head.
Saturday Night
Shane lounged in bed and frowned at the book he was reading— well, the book he had been trying to read. Ilya had other plans. He'd wormed himself under Shane's arm until his head rested squarely in his lap. Blonde curls fanned out across the bottom half of the open page. Shane had tried to brush them away, and ended up lazily running his fingers through Ilya’s hair, rereading the same paragraph without absorbing any of it, and eventually giving up to look down at his husband’s contented face.
“Shane,” he said, his eyes still closed.
“Ilya.”
Ilya's eyes opened, and flitted up to meet Shane's. A mischievous grin formed on his lips.
“I have a little idea.”
Shane raised an eyebrow and smirked.
“Does it involve us getting naked?”
“Unfortunately no, not this time,” said Ilya, “But it's still a good idea.”
“Why do I get the sense that it's actually a terrible idea?” Asked Shane.
“No, you will love it. And so will Jackie. Hayden too, probably. Maybe. Maybe not—”
“Nope,” said Shane quickly, snapping his book shut and setting it aside, “You're not pissing Hayden off, not while he's supposed to be staying here all week.”
“Is not like that,” promised Ilya, sitting up. “It would be very nice, I promise. Hayden just does not know what to do when I am nice, is not my fault.”
“It's a little bit your fault.”
“Hmm. Maybe a little,” conceded Ilya. Shane sighed.
“Okay, fine, I'll bite. What's your idea?”
Ilya grinned.
“Jackie is having a baby. She will be here with the kids on Friday. We should throw a baby shower.”
Shane frowned in confusion.
“You want to… throw Jackie Pike a baby shower?”
Ilya nodded eagerly.
“A surprise party! Come on, Shane, it would be so fun!”
“We're not doing that. Who would we even invite?”
“Hayden is here for the camp, we invite the camp coaches and their families,” answered Ilya, as if this were obvious.
“You want to throw Jackie a surprise baby shower in less than a week, and only invite a bunch of hockey players she barely knows?”
“Pleeeeease?” Ilya pouted as he rolled over on top of Shane. “Don't worry, I will take care of everything. It will be perfect, she will love it.”
“And Hayden?” Shane asked. “Tell me you’re not just doing this to fuck with him. Convince me.”
“мой дорогой муж, I know he is important to you. I will not do anything to upset him.” Ilya spoke gently, and punctuated the statement with a soft, lingering kiss. Shane relented.
“You really have your heart set on this, huh?”
Ilya grinned, knowing he'd won. He pulled back to grin at his husband.
“Yes?”
Shane sighed wearily.
“Fine.”
Ilya beamed and planted a series of playful kisses on Shane's cheek.
“Thank you. Я тебя люблю. You will not be sorry.”
“We'll see,” answered Shane with a smirk, shoving him on the shoulder. Ilya chuckled and leaned in to nuzzle his neck.
“Now, what was it you were saying about getting naked?”
Sunday
Ilya: find out if Jackie has a list of gifts for the baby.
Shane: ???
Ilya: And also her favorite kind of cake.
Shane: I thought this was your project. I didn't agree to help.
Ilya: Wow. Your best friend is having his 17th child and you don't even care.
Shane: 5th child
Shane: and fuck off
Shane: and stop texting me while I'm trying to work.
Shane: camp starts tomorrow, or did you forget?
Ilya: fine. Do your boring work. I will ask Pike myself.
Shane: NO.
Shane: Goddamnit, Ilya. Hang on.
Shane: Hey, Jackie
Jackie: Hey! What's up?
Shane: I just wanted to say congrats on the pregnancy! 🙂
Jackie: Awww, thanks Shane! ♥️
Shane: I was just wondering, do you guys need anything for the new baby?
Shane: I know you probably have lots of stuff from the older kids.
Shane: But Ilya and I would like to get you something.
Jackie: That’s so sweet of you, honey.
Jackie: Honestly, if you really want to help, just get us a box or two of diapers! We’re literally drowning in everything else 😂
Shane: okay, cool. Thanks.
Shane: Also
Shane: What kind of cake do you like? Ilya wants to know.
Jackie: Red velvet 🙂
Shane: Jackie said they just need diapers. You're welcome.
Ilya: thank you. Cake?
Shane: Red velvet.
Ilya: good boy
Shane: 🖕🏼
Ilya: 😘
Least Terrible Voyageur: whatever you're doing, stop.
Ilya: I am finalizing rosters for the campers tomorrow. What should I be doing instead?
Least Terrible Voyageur: why is Shane texting Jackie about cake?
Ilya: maybe he is hungry?
Least Terrible Voyageur: don't bullshit me. Shane doesn't eat cake.
Ilya: oh yes he does.
Ilya: trust me 😈
Least Terrible Voyageur: OH
Least Terrible Voyageur: MY GOD
Least Terrible Voyageur: FUCK OFF
Least Terrible Voyageur: I hate you
Least Terrible Voyageur: so much
Least Terrible Voyageur: you've ruined cake for me forever
Ilya: That's a shame. Maybe you should try it sometime, would help you relax.
Least Terrible Voyageur: my sex life is just fine, thanks.
Ilya: yeah I know you have 28 children.
Ilya: just saying, I can text Jackie for you if you want.
Least Terrible Voyageur: DON'T TALK TO MY WIFE. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR REAL ROZANOV.
Shane: Hayden just threw his phone across the equipment room.
Shane: what did you do
Ilya: Everyone is suddenly so interested in what I'm doing.
Shane: he is BRIGHT RED. Won't even look at me.
Ilya: Is he? Interesting. Is he hard too?
Shane: Jesus, Ilya I'm serious. I asked you not to piss him off.
Ilya: I didn't!
Ilya: well, not on purpose.
Shane: ILYA. ROZANOV.
Ilya: I will fix it. I'll text Jackie.
Shane: how will that help??
Ilya: just a hunch I have.
Ilya: it will work.
Ilya: Hayden can thank me later.
Monday
Ilya created Group Chat
Ilya renamed Group Chat to TOP SECRET DO NOT TELL PIKE
Ilya added Shane, Hazy, Bood, Price, Barrett, Harris, and Father Time to TOP SECRET DO NOT TELL PIKE
Ilya: okay listen the fuck up
Ilya: Hayden Pike and his wife are having their 32nd child. We are having a party to celebrate.
Shane: it's their FIFTH child, Ilya.
Hazy: aww, good for Pike!
Bood: one more and he'll have a whole starting lineup lol
Ilya: and they will all be better hockey players than him. Even the baby.
Shane: be. nice.
Ilya: ugh being nice is boring
Shane: so is sleeping on the couch
Bood: HAHA
Ilya: 😭
Ilya: okay fine I will be so nice. Watch.
Ilya: Party to celebrate new Pike baby on Saturday. 2:00 at our house. Mandatory.
Shane: it's not mandatory.
Ilya: I will never forgive you if you don't come.
Price: what the hell is going on?
Father Time: hang on. If I don't come, will you delete my number from your phone?
Ilya: no.
Ilya: I will call you 100 times every day for the rest of your life.
Ilya: which won't be long since you are already 850 years old.
Father Time: this old guy beat your ass twice this past season, asshole.
Price: this conversation is so weird. you're a weird guy, Roz.
Shane liked Price’s message
Ilya: enough! You will all come to the party and you will bring diapers. Babies need lots of diapers.
Hazy liked Ilya's message
Bood: does Jackie have a favorite brand or anything? Cassie is super particular and will only use these like organic sensitive skin ones for Milo.
Shane: she didn't say… I mean, do you think it makes that big of a difference?
Ilya: says the man who will only wear one particular brand and style of socks
Shane: shut up
Harris: aw, baby shower? this is cute. Troy and I will be there!
Barrett: wait what is happening
Barrett: baby shower?
Barrett: Harris
Harris: babe can you pick up a couple boxes of diapers on your way home?
Barrett: I'm going to need more information
Harris: scroll up 😘
Ilya: and DON'T TELL PIKE
Ilya: OR ELSE
Ilya: See Shane? See how nice I am being to your annoying friend?
Ilya: no couch?
Ilya: Shaneeee ☹️
Father Time: God bless Shane Hollander for being the only person on earth with any control over Rozanov. May he always use this superpower for good.
Ilya: stop cock blocking me old man
Ilya: or tomorrow the campers will learn how to throw gloves and break noses
Father Time: I don't think those kids want to see you embarrass yourself like that
Ilya: you’ve been in 2 fights over the last 20 years, and one of those you lost to Shane. I'm not worried.
Shane: hey I know how to fight, I'll come downstairs and prove it right now
Father Time: I didn't lose, dickhead. The refs broke it up.
Price: If it comes down to it, I'm on Hunter's side.
Barrett: oh, so Roz is gonna get his shit rocked
Hazy: RIP Cap 💔 it was nice knowing ya. Hopefully Price will make it quick and painless for you
Bood: these campers are about to witness a homicide
Harris: Hey Shane, can you film it when it happens? Could be fun promo material for the team, kind of like a blooper reel 😆
Harris: … Shane?
Hazy: do you think he murdered Roz
Father Time: every day I wonder how he hasn't already.
Tuesday
“Ilya, honey, I’m sending you an email about potential donors for the foundation. Can you and Shane take a look later tonight and let me know your thoughts?” Yuna sat at a small desk across from Ilya in the cramped office space they shared during camp weeks, tapping away at her laptop.
“Sure, no problem,” he said, frowning at a website for a local bakery on his own screen. “I’m almost done here, then I’ll go find him.” He was aware of her shutting her laptop and standing up. He paused and glanced up.
Yuna smiled sympathetically. “What are you working on over there? I thought things for the camp were pretty much handled.”
“Ah,” he hesitated, suddenly feeling self conscious, “It’s actually nothing to do with the camp. Maybe Shane told you— Hayden and his wife are expecting another baby.”
Ilya detected the briefest hint of something in her eyes before she shook her head and smiled broadly.
“That’s wonderful, they must be so excited.”
“Yes,” agreed Ilya, standing, “And so I— well, Shane and I— are hosting a party for them, as a surprise. It’s on Saturday— of course you and David are invited.”
“We’d love to see Jackie and the kids again. Do you need help with anything?”
“No, I think I have everything under control. Not much to organize, just food, cake, decorations, and a gift. Simple. But, thank you.”
Yuna nodded, warm and nurturing, and again Ilya saw the slightest tinge of… sadness, possibly? Again, it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, and she gave him a tight hug. It lasted a beat longer than Ilya expected. It made him uneasy, as if she knew something he didn’t.
“You’re a good friend, Ilya,” she seemed to be choosing her words carefully, speaking deliberately as she pulled back and gave his arm an affectionate squeeze, “Hayden is lucky to know you.” At that, Ilya couldn’t help but laugh.
“You should tell Hayden this. He does not agree with you.”
“Well, between you and me, Hayden isn’t exactly known for his perceptual skills,” she said conspiratorially, prompting a grin to spread on Ilya’s face.
“No, he is not. Anyway, this is not for him. I am throwing a baby shower for Jackie Pike, and I am graciously allowing her mostly useless husband to attend.”
That got a genuine laugh out of Yuna, and she turned to pack up her belongings for the day.
Wednesday
Shane stood in the entry to his kitchen and tried to process the sea of brightly colored mylar that threatened to overtake his entire first floor.
“Oh my God,” he exhaled in horror, “Ilya… what the fuck did you do?”
“I may have overestimated the number of balloons we needed,” admitted Ilya, equally dumbfounded.
“How—”
“The cleaners must have let them in,” said Ilya, looking around in dismay. “I did tell them I was expecting a delivery.”
“A delivery?” sputtered Shane.
“I meant a package! Not this!”
“Ilya, it's fucking Wednesday,” hissed Shane, “What the hell are we supposed to do with them the for the next two and a half days?”
“That is what I don't understand, I ordered for Saturday morning delivery,” muttered Ilya, distractedly tapping through his phone. “And I ordered different style than this. See—” he waved the phone in Shane's face, “I have the email confirmation here— it says Saturday!”
“Then call them!” sputtered Shane. “They must have mixed up the deliveries or something. Tell them to come pick them up!”
Ilya already had the phone to his ear. After a few beats, he set it down again in frustration.
“They are closed now. Fuck, Pike will be here any minute…”
His eyes darted around the room. He began to move quickly through the space, grabbing bunches of balloons.
“Okay, so we put them in our room. Hayden won't go in there.”
“Ilya! There's got to be a hundred fucking balloons here!”
“One hundred fifty, maybe,” muttered Ilya grimly. “Is just temporary, now quick. Help me move them.”
Shane regarded his husband in bewildered irritation. Ilya made an annoyed urging sound at him and gestured to a bunch of balloons that were tied to a barstool. Shane shook his head, disgusted, and sprang into action.
“What the fuck were you thinking, ordering so many balloons, Ilya?” he asked, untangling a bunch of balloons from where they had drifted into a large potted plant.
“I was thinking, new baby deserves big celebration, balloons are less dangerous than fireworks, okay? Parties have balloons!”
“Okay, but c’mon, Ilya! Can you admit this is getting a little out of hand??”
“Is fine!” snapped Ilya, lunging after one balloon that had freed itself from the pack and was floating towards the open stairwell to the second floor.
“You called at least three different bakeries today—”
“нет, two. And one caterer.” He retrieved the balloon and glared at Shane.
“This is all for your stupid friend, anyway. You want him to have a shitty party?”
Shane scoffed and nearly let go of the fistfuls of ribbon he was holding, until the sound of a car pulling into the driveway echoed into the house.
“Shit! Move,” hissed Ilya, and Shane raced to follow him upstairs before Hayden could catch them.
Wednesday Night:
“I’m not letting you fuck me while our bedroom looks like a carnival fun house.”
Price: hey
Hazy: hey man, what's up?
Price: you want to hear something funny?
Price: so yesterday Roz was doing something on his phone but he got distracted with some of the campers and left his phone unlocked on the bench
Hazy: what the fuck did you do
Price: well he was on some website trying to order balloons, probably for this party thing this weekend
Hazy: uh oh
Price: so I ordered a hundred to be delivered to his house. They should have been delivered today.
Hazy: holy shit
Hazy: you are my hero
Hazy: Hollzy actually might kill all of us though
Price: not if he thinks it was Roz
Hazy: this is weirdly the most terrifying thing you've ever done, and that includes the time you broke that one guy's jaw in 2 places
Price: :)