Chapter Text
The snow fell heavily outside the Russian Tsardom's castle, inside a boy sat. Fyodor Dostoevsky, the Tsarevich, only 16 years of age, but already having his whole life planned out. Have an arranged marriage with some other nation's spoiled princess, have lots of heirs, rule the country, then die. If he had to be honest, that didn't interest him in the slightest.
Instead, he sat in the library, reading an old book he found, tucked away between the shelves. It was boring as hell, it still entertained him enough to not die of boredom. Speaking of entertainment, his family took great interest in jesters. Really, the jester they have currently, Vadym, has a son, who's also learning to be a jester. Fyodor's dad insisted Vadym stays in the castle 16 years ago after loving the jokes he made, and convinced him to make his son a jester too.
That, is how Fyodor and Nikolai grew up together.
Little Fyodor was always quiet. He still is, but he especially was at 3. On the other hand, Nikolai was the complete opposite. Loud, cheerful, happy. They were polar opposites, no wonder Fyodor didn't like Nikolai that much when they first met... Which was around when they were born
Basically, Fyodor's mom, the Tsarina, wanted Fyodor to have a friend while he was growing up, so he wouldn't be lonely. But, even after showing clear dislike to being with other kids his age, he tried to be friends with him.
When they were around 2 years old, they started to get along, merely because Fyodor found Nikolai fascinating. His behaviour, his vocabulary, everything. Even the way he spoke, he spoke just slightly differently than the others, due to him being half ukranian, half russian.
At 6, Fyodor was ordered to start to learn to read and write, which he taught to Nikolai in secret, when everybody was asleep. Fyodor's mom was glad his son wasn't going to turn out like some parasocial freak like the tsar, now that he had one friend.
At 14, things started to get different. Fyodor was always reminded of how "in 4 years, he will get married to a beautiful princess, and they will have lots of kids.. Etc etc". And as you may know by now, that was his biggest fear. The one thing he hated the most. Not because of the responsibility for children, or ruling the country-
It was because, well, he didn't like women. Not in the mysoginistic way, but literally. He didn't feel romantic attraction towards them, like his dad would get drunk and yell all sorts of things about women. Their bodies, looks, and other things he doesn't want to name. He didn't feel those butterflies in his stomach when he saw one. Sure, they were pretty, but he didn't understand what he should find attractive about them..
But the butterflies in his stomach only appeared when he saw one person. Someone he really shouldn't feel that way towards, someone he can't-
The jester. His friend, companion, whatever you wanna name it. Nikolai Gogol had him feel something he never did in his entire life. He had no idea what it was, sure he's read about things like this in books, but it was always between a boy and a girl, not between two boys..? Was it any different? But he was told feelings like this dont exist, and it's only the devil's work..
So he prayed. Even if those weird knots in his stomach appeared everytime Nikolai would smile at him, hug him, or even just look at him.
Thankfully, due to Fyodor's cold persona, nobody could tell he felt these things.
Except for himself.
Nikolai, like mentioned earlier, was the son of the jester. His future role really complimented his personality, silly, bubbly and energetic. He loved being in the palace, loving the colors, the decorations..
But he loved someone else more. His best friend, Fyodor Dostoevsky, was his favourite person. He felt like he wanted to spend his entire life with him, and live with him, and-
Yeah, you get it. The difference between the two was that Nikolai wasnt scared to admit it to himself that he liked- no, like would be an understatement- loved Fyodor. He would obviously never admit it out loud, but he knew that he had feelings for the black haired boy.
That's what hurt him the most. Thinking that Fyodor would most likely not like him back, or even hate him if he found out about his feelings.
So he hid it. Even if he did a bad job at it, because he was quite clingy when it came to Fyodor, always hugging him, playing with his hair (braiding it or just simply playing with the strands) or anything. Which, to his surprise, Fyodor didn't mind.
Maybe because he was already used to it, after all the time they spent together, they must've gotten really close?
If you were thinking that, then the answer is both yes and no. They didnt really speak about their problems to each other. Only a few ones, because they did trust each other. But the deeper ones were never mentioned. But that didn' t mean they werent close, something once DID happen when they were 15 that made them both not forget the day it happened.
It was night, and there was opera and classical music being played for an event. It was Fyodor's birthday too, so he watched the performance from those box seats on the walls of the theatres and operas. He stood, one hand on the railing, the other was gripping his shirt's fabric in stress he didn't wanna show people.
He watched the woman sing, and the instruments play with confidence, when he felt someone next to him. To his surprise, it was (his beloved) Nikolai, also looking at the performance.
"you are not allowed up here, Nikolai, despite how much my father adores your family. This is where only im supposed to be" if someone else heard him speak with this tone, cold and nonchalant, they'd be creeped out. Though it didn't scare Nikolai at all.
"well im here now, aren't I Fedya? And you seem tense. What's wrong?" he asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion
Fyodor only scoffed, shaking his head. "these are personal matters, Kolya. None of your business, but if you're so desperate to know, fine. My father's behaviour annoys me to the core. His obsession with me marrying some princess and having lots of kids is something he is well aware of that i dont wanna do. Still he insists i do as he says.. " he explains, while his eyes remain on the audience and the beautiful instruments being played
Nikolai feels pity for the other boy, he also wouldn't wanna be the Tsarevich and marry some random lady he doesn't even know, to have kids with her and live with her, all to die in the end
"im so sorry you have to do... All of that. Honestly if i were you I'd be furious too. I'd probably refuse and leave"
But that sentence gets interrupted by Fyodor, who is a bit more mad now, at his father for all this, and annoyed at Nikolai's naivety in this topic
"no, kolya dear it-" at that moment he froze, realizing how he messed up his sentence, continuing it in a slightly calmer and quieter tone "doesn't work like that.. I can't choose if i want to be the Tsar in the future or not"
Nikolai nods a little, looking away, both of them slightly flustered from what happened.
Nikolai spoke up again, turning his head to look at Fyodor "so, Fedya.."
And that's when it happened. Fyodor also turned his head towards Nikolai, and both of them not realizing how close they were standing- their lips brushed against each other's
They froze, which made it worse because now their lips were directly touching, for a few seconds, before they could pull away
Fyodor clears his throat, and tries to forget it "so uh, what did you wanna ask me?"
"nothing, forget it" Nikolai interrupted, looking away, completely ignoring the other boy's gaze.
For Fyodor, what just happened was a nightmare. His stomach was all in knots, he was flustered, though from the outside you'd be unable to tell. He was trying to deny all these weird feelings, his mother's words echoing through his mind "you should deny all homosexuals. They' re sinners and are the work of the devil".
For Nikolai, this was a dream. His first kiss with Fyodor? And his lips were so soft too. Oh how he wished he could've kissed him normally, but oh well, this was better than nothing..
This moment was something they never forgot after. Well they tried not to mention it, but it lingered in the back of their minds..
And now, we return from the flashbacks.
Fyodor put his book down when he heard someone approach the library. It wasn't hard to guess who it was by the jingling balls and the soft humming. After a few moments, Nikolai came in, giggling at Fyodor tucked in a blanket, due to how cold it was. His laugh echoed in the quiet library.
"what is it that you want, Gogol?" he asked, blinking and keeping his eyes on the other's (beautiful) face, watching as the other almost tripped over a stack of different kinds of bibles next to the chair Fyodor is sitting on, before he makes his way to the chair's armrest. His favourite thing to do is sit on the armrest, which he also did today
"you'll never quit doing this, won't you?" he mumbled while reading the bible he picked up. Nikolai found Fyodor's interest in religion ridiculous. Let me reword that. He found all religions ridiculous. He didn't like how it caged people, and forbid them to do certain things.
"you know, this stupid bible will rot your brain and turn you into a stupid priest. And you'd look funny in a white robe" he says all this while braiding his hair slowly, making sure the soft strands look perfect (yes in my au Fyodor is very clean idc)
A scoff left the dark haired boy's lips, still not tearing his eyes away from the page. "i'd disagree. I dont want to be a priest, thanks."
He continued reading it, while the other boy sat on the armrest and braided his hair, humming softly. His reading then stopped. Nikolai didn't notice his change in behaviour, just continued humming and running his fingers through the soft strands to untangle them.
The verse he just read was: Levictus 18:22
"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination"
He read over that verse over and over again, so much that he memorized it, and then looked up. At the door, at the bookshelves, and on the corner of his eyes- Nikolai. His sweet, dear Nikolai. Or maybe he was just imagining these things? The verse clearly said he can't ever engage in such things, so why does he feel the need to?
Nikolai caught up on his behaviour, confused on why Fyodor is suddenly looking around "what's wrong?" he asked, continuing to do his hair
"nothing." he replied. He felt those warm hands doing his hair again "i look ridiculous right now don't i?" the boy asks, referring to how Nikolai has been doing his hair for some time now.
"i think you look gorgeous." he takes a hairclip out of his own hair and puts it in Fyodor's hair before hopping off the armrest. He smiles at the dark haired boy "good night, Fedya" he then leaves.
The dark haired boy sighs. He notices how Nikolai put his bird hairclip in Fyodor's hair. How domestic, he thought. The silver hairclip with a slightly realistic bird carved in it, which the other boy wears every day, now with him. Honestly, sometimes he couldn't adapt to the boy's antics..
Still he thinks back to his mother's words, and what he read in the bible, so he asked himself-
𝘐𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳?
But then he thinks about everything. How close they are. How his heart aches for the other, how they were each other's first kiss..
Then maybe hell doesn't look so bad. Atleast it will be with his beloved, Nikolai.