Chapter Text
"Creating this account was the best decision of my life!"
Seonghwa was lying comfortably on his bed, reading the comments that filled his phone screen.
After much insistence from his friends, he had created a Twitter account. Not a professional account, but a real one.
The model already had a professional profile on social media with numerous followers, but his agents managed the page; rarely, he offered his opinion on a few photos they asked him to choose. Seonghwa had never understood why so many people were so dependent on their cell phones; nothing was that exciting enough to hold his attention for so long.
That's what he thought, until he created this personal profile.
It was impossible to know it was him, of course. It was a profile invisible to anyone looking for celebrities. Not even his closest friends knew about it, and he preferred it that way. It was the only place he could share his true thoughts and feelings. He didn't have to mince words and could still read firsthand the honest opinion about him as a model.
As the days went by, he became increasingly fond of the social network, spending hours upon hours discovering new things. In a short time, he managed to grow organically on the platform, reaching over ten thousand followers.
It was extremely satisfying to know he was safe and hidden within the anonymity of the account. Anyone looking from the outside would conclude it was just another one of those profiles dedicated to a particular artist, like a fan club.
His profile picture, by the way, was his favorite artist: Kim Hongjoong. And his username was @no1likeme, that also referenced the singer.
There, among so many other fans, he could be himself.
He reacted to photos, commented on song lyrics and even argued in the comments when he felt it necessary to defend his captain, as he liked to call him.
These things took up time, and all this alienation helped to mask the problems he had in real life.
Park Seonghwa was the most famous and highest-paid model in the fashion industry of the last decade. The pressure on his physique and the way he walked the runway was excessive, and sometimes the only thing that calmed him and kept him from giving up was Hongjoong's music.
Even though he loved modeling and walking the runway, the price was extremely high. It was common for people in the industry to have eating disorders, but he refused to eat cotton or starve himself. His diet was extremely balanced, and he exercised a lot to maintain his athletic physique. His routine was severe and demanding, but he did everything masterfully.
However, it was still tiring and monotonous, but now at least he could share his thoughts somewhere, instead of keeping everything to himself as he had always done before.
@no1likeme: Today was a TERRIBLE day, it felt like nothing I did was right!!! What would Hongjoong do in my place? 😩
> “ @cats-paw ” replied: tomorrow will be a better day Star
> “@teddyBear replied: Let's play a little? It'll help
Seonghwa had made some friends; there were several moots, and from that, he had a core group of seven who were all extremely close. Sometimes they would play games together online, discuss topics in chat, or simply share about their lives, asking for advice or sharing victories. No one knew each other personally or knew real personal information. They used nicknames and only shared what they felt safe sharing.
Ironically, these were the first real friends Seonghwa ever had. The fashion world was always very competitive, and no one could feel happy for each other in a way that would create any kind of bond. Everyone saw Seonghwa as a threat, so they never treated him well.
But that was okay, he now had six other ears wanting to hear his problems and worrying about him. And a plus, they were all Hongjoong fans.
@Woo-nero : You guys won't believe what I have just found!
@teddyBear : May God help us with what you're going to say, I'm still traumatized by the last "you won't believe it"
@Woo-nero: Shut up, I know you read that whole fanfic, Hongjoong x Y/N teddyBear-ssi
@cats-paws : NO WAY
@cats-paws: WE know he would have the same reaction as Y/N if Hongjoong cut an apple in half with one hand
@teddyBear : Just wait for your guys find out that I'm his friend in real life and I'm the one who taught him how to do this...
@doberman: OK GRANDPA, time for your medicine
@yun-h: send a video of you cutting the apple!!!
@princess_min: Wait a moment, I'm going to film him, after all, I'm also friends with the captain in real life
@teddyBear : Go fuck u all, such a bunch of haters
@you: Let him share the shocking link of the week, people!
@princess_min: Here comes the mother to defend her favorite child. You hurt our feelings with this obvious favoritism 😞
@Woo-nero: ONE DAY YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE TRULY LOVED BY YOUR MOTHER, and that day will not be today!!! xoxo, Mommy 🥰
@yun-h : My dream is to be the favorite like that.
@doberman : How are you doing today, Star? I’ve just read your tweet
@you: the usual: I do what they ask and even more, and I still feel like it's not good enough. But talking to you guys has cheered me up a bit already 🩵
@teddyBear: just give us the names and we'll go after those people, Star
@princess_min : We'll support you, quit that job!!!!
@Woo-nero : @everyone sending $1.00 to our mom to prove we have the money for him to quit his job and focus 100% on raising his incorrigible son: TeddyBear
NOTIFICATION: You have received a transfer of $1.00
NOTIFICATION: You have received a transfer of $1.00
NOTIFICATION: You have received a transfer of $1.00
NOTIFICATION: You have received a transfer of $1.00
NOTIFICATION: You have received a transfer of $1.00
NOTIFICATION: You have received a transfer of $1.50
Seonghwa chuckled as he read the messages, his heart warming from the conversation. He wanted to share more about his personal life, but he didn't feel ready yet. He was afraid of being judged for his profession, as had already happened. Deep down, Seonghwa felt they wouldn't do that, but it was still better to postpone it as long as possible.
@you: someone sent extra
@Woo-nero : the favorite child should donate more
@princess_min : He doesn't want to donate to his siblings, does he?
@yun-h : that filthy bourgeois
@TeddyBear : So, what was the big discovery today?
@Woo-nero: LOOK AT THIS PROFILE !!!! I’ve just discovered the SHIP of my life
Seonghwa clicked the link and a profile for an account named “Captain Joong” opened. There was no profile picture.
Quickly glancing through the tweets, Seonghwa felt his heart race as he gasped in shock: The profile had several mentions of him.
And not just about him, but about him and Hongjoong. It was basically a ship between them, called MATZ by the author of the posts.
Until then, he had never seen these stories of platonic crushes involving his name, and he was very surprised to have caught this person's attention to the point of being pleasing in the eyes of the account owner, being seen as someone on Hongjoong's level.
@doberman: For the very first time, it wasn't that shocking tho
and I think they would actually make a great couple
@TeddyBear: I can't believe I'm saying this, but @Woo-nero finally sent something decent
@cats-paws: Seonghwa would be the perfect mermaid for the captain, someone please send me a link right now
@Woo-nero: what would your BORING LIVES be without me, huh? There are some fanfics of them together. I'm on my third one and I can't stop reading
@princess_min: the greatest couple we could ever have!!!!
@you: do you really think they're a good match?
@princess_min: WOW, YES?!
@Woo-nero: HELL YEAH
@TeddyBear: I think so
@doberman: of course
@yun-h: yessss
@cats-paws: Yes! A thousand times YESSSS
Seonghwa smiled broadly, shaking his face as he felt it grow red and hot. He had never thought of his Captain in this way – in some dreams, actually, more than once – but knowing that his friends thought he could be a great match for the person he admired so much made his heart goes fast, yet completely joyful and happy.
There were five completed stories on the profile. As hypothetical as most of the fanfiction he has read, all of these felt real. They had both of them in their current professions, and Seonghwa was surprised by the loving descriptions he received in the works. All his features were described carefully, affectionately, and thoughtfully. The same was about Hongjoong. Not the physical details, which Seonghwa occasionally felt could have been more detailed, but the singer's emotions. The author managed to write them falling in love in a very natural and captivating way.
The first story he read was about them working together at a fashion show and slowly falling in love. Seonghwa finished reading it quickly, almost believing that that could actually happen somehow.
The second and third stories were interconnected. It began with them being childhood friends who, after hiding their feelings for a long time, finally had the courage to confess, and ended with them getting married and living happily ever after. Perhaps that was his favorite.
The fourth fanfic was just some letters Hongjoong wrote to Seonghwa after a forced breakup. In this particular one, some tears were shed, and the feeling of loss that the Seonghwa in the fic felt, he could also feel. Perhaps because he knew they were real people – he was real – it was more intense, and he surrendered more to the story. He truly understood some things, and he would even dare to say he would do the same if given the chance. The author really paid attention to his mannerisms and quirks; several times he found himself rereading passages that detailed phrases he had already said, interviews he had given, and even mentioned real fashion shows and photos.
The fifth and final one was the most intense.
There wasn't really a story, just a few paragraphs of pure devotion. A simple dedication that the Hongjoong from the story had given to Seonghwa, also from the story. But the thing is, it all seemed real. Too real.
All the feelings, all the touches, the conversations… How could they be so real?
For the rest of that night, Seonghwa tossed and turned in bed thinking about those stories, and it was impossible not to send a message when he concluded that he needed to know more about the author.
Without thinking much about what he was doing, he clicked on "message" and the chat screen opened.
"Hello Captain,
Yesterday I unexpectedly stumbled upon your profile, and I must say it was impossible to stop reading your stories! I spent the whole night following your words, and I hope you know how talented you are! Not everyone can captivate me like this 😊
Regarding the ship MATZ, as you nicknamed it, I'd like to know more about it. It's the first time I've read something featuring the two of them, and I'm curious to know how you paired them up as a couple. I'm a big fan of both, so it was a pleasant surprise to find your account.
Maybe we can be friends, who knows?
Star.”
As soon as he sent the message, his alarm clock rang, announcing that another day was beginning.
Seonghwa knew that staying up all night would have consequences the next day, so even though he was mentally complaining, he plugged his phone in to charge and went to take a shower.
Like every day, he would have a long and tiring routine, but hopefully, when he got home at night, he would have a reply in his DM.
~ ♥ ~
"Seonghwa, you need to correct your pacing. You're late!"
The model took a deep breath, ignoring the urge to roll his eyes. He knew his walking was perfect, neither too early nor too late. Simply perfect.
It was common to hear that sort of thing; in that industry, he had to listen to comments about everything every day. They found problems in the smallest details, and although Seonghwa sometimes let himself be swayed by the negative comments, there were things that were absolute: the sky is blue, the day has 24 hours and Seonghwa doesn't have a slow pace.
Arguing back would be worse, so he would just shake his head and smile, repeating the movement countless times until he heard that they were satisfied.
But it was exhausting. Having to deal with these things every day was disheartening.
On his worst days, he would spend hours lying in the bathtub after work, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes he would cut himself to relieve his thoughts. The red water distracted him from the screaming mind that he had to improve, that all the comments about his body were true, that someone would soon take his place, and that he was a failure. The marks were always in hidden places; he couldn't risk a scandal over it, but that was exhausting too.
Everything he did had to be planned.
Every outfit he wore, every makeup look, every haircut, every pair of shoes. Everything had to go conform a standard.. Who he really was? What did he like? What clothes would he wear if he could choose for himself?
Seonghwa never had a chance to choose, he could never be himself. The body was his, the face, the walk, the poses… but he wasn't himself.
He might succeed someday, but until he finally managed to leave that work and make a living doing something else, he had no choice. So, he swallowed his feelings, the criticism, and moved on with a smile on his face and a heavy heart.
And in those moments, he could only find comfort in Hongjoong. The songs always spoke for him. The melodies brought calm to his body, and the lyrics sometimes seemed to be written just for him.
And today, like any other day, Seonghwa had arrived home tired from work. The first thing he should have done was turn on the bathtub, but instead, he changed his shoes for high heels and began a catwalk sequence.
His posture was straight, shoulders back at the elbows, chest slightly puffed out, eyes fixed on the back wall of the hallway and hands in his pockets. He walked back and forth, each step – even in high heels – silent. The landing of his feet was graceful, always with the first part supporting the weight and the heel providing a base to begin a new movement.
The automatic counting in his mind dictated an alternation between faster and slower strides, sometimes holding a turn, sometimes a pose.
It was impossible for his walk to be late today, but even so, he spent three hours pacing the hallway at his house, training instead of resting.
When he was finally satisfied, he walked to the bathroom and turned on the bathtub. While it filled, he tidied up the few things that were out of place.
Because of the rush of the day, he hadn't had much time to use his cell phone, and due to exhaustion, he had even forgotten about the message he had sent that morning. When he lay down in the bathtub it was already past ten.
Sighing, he plugged in his headphones and pressed play on his favorite playlist. As soon as the beats started, his body relaxed in the water. He kept his head resting on the edge, but the rest of his body was submerged. Gradually, the tension in his muscles eased, and he tapped his feet to the rhythm of the music.
“I'll be with you, with you with you with you”
Without even realizing it, Seonghwa repeated the words softly, with his eyes closed. Even on his worst days, he wasn't alone.
Hongjoong was always there. In music, in fanfiction he read, in conversations with friends, in posters on the streets, in radio advertisements, everywhere. It was so satisfying to enter studios to take photos and be pleasantly surprised by his music playing in the background. He found strength in Hongjoong's words.
To this day he has never been able to reconcile his schedule with some concert, and it was frustrating. If he could someday, it would be a dream to be able to talk to him, to meet him.
He would allow himself to think and create scenarios between the two from now on, because somehow, there were people who not only agreed with the ship, but who actually saw them as a couple.
The fanfiction he read that night was very good, very realistic, and several people left encouraging comments. How wonderful it would be if some of the ideas he read could become reality.
As the songs ended, he kept thinking about the various types of interaction he could have with the singer. Realistically, just going to the concert would be enough to satisfy his curiosity and desire to see the other, but the slightest possibility of one day being able to at least exchange a few words, thank the singer, and explain how important everything he did was to him, made Seonghwa smile without even realizing it.
“I've been searching for an empty box, That's what I need”
When the water finally cooled down, Seonghwa finished getting dressed and went to bed. Unlike the previous day, he wouldn't be able to stay awake much longer. He wasn't hungry, so he only drank a little bit of water before going to bed.
He quickly replied to his friends and checked Twitter to see what had happened during the day.
His eyes were heavy and he was almost asleep when his cell phone vibrated on the dresser, notifying him of a new message.
“Hello Star,
After a tiring day, reading your message really improved my mood, so I'm the one who should thank you for your words.
I've always been a huge fan of Seonghwa, since the beginning of his career actually. He's always been a star, hasn't he? Or rather, our star. I'm happy to know you're a fan too; he deserves all the recognition and success in the world :)
About the "couple," I simply believe they are a perfect match… on an afterlife level. They are destined for each other, and I know that Hongjoong's muse is him. It always has been, from the beginning. You can find a declaration, a request, or even a prayer in his lyrics; Seonghwa is the deity and God of our captain, that I can say for sure.
I hope that one day they can actually meet, and if our captain survives that encounter, that they can get to know each other, talk about life, and maybe even have dinner. A date.
But until that happens, I'll be writing about it.
Can I count on your help?
Sweet dreams, Captain.”