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"Would you wanna like, go out?" Jay asked one afternoon.
Matt looked up from under Jay's chin, who had been absentmindedly been playing with Matt's unruly hair, fedora long since discarded.
Their tangle of limbs on the bottom bunk left Jay feeling a little cramped. He liked being close to Matt, but the bed situation would have to change if they kept up... whatever this was.
"What?" Matt asked, Jay could practically see the gears turning behind his eyes, "Like to the Rivoli, like a plan? Why didn't you say so!"
Before Jay could clamp down on Matt's growing energy, Matt was out of the bedroom, running like a magnet towards the living room whiteboard.
"Matt, wait-" Jay said, trying to catch up as Matt moved like someone had hit the fast forward button, "I don't wanna do a plan today, man."
Matt paused in place near the whiteboard, then slowly turned to face Jay, and put the cap back on the dry-erase marker with a 'pop.'
"What do you mean?"
"I was thinking," Jay started, suddenly nervous, "We could go to someplace together, tonight. Just for, uh, fun?"
It wasn't an odd request, Matt and Jay had gone most places together for the past twenty years. What was odd was Jay treating it like a proposition.
Ever since Jay had reversed Matt's violent death, he felt like the two of them were on borrowed time. All latent feelings buried during two decades of codependency, bubbling to the surface with an urgency that only manifested after seeing your best friend about to technically die at your hands.
Maybe it was a little dramatic, but it pushed Jay to stop holding back so much. Whether it was letting his gaze linger on Matt's face, his eyes, his arms. Or letting casual touches last longer, hugs a little tighter. Jay thought Matt wouldn't notice. Jay should give Matt more credit.
They'd been fucking for a little over a month, and it was great. Despite it, Jay still felt as if Matt would dissipate in his arms at any moment, "Jaybird I don't feel so good." Like if Jay didn't take the bull by the horns, it'd all revert. But he still was too much of a coward to ask for what he wanted outright.
"What, like a date?" Matt asked.
Jay really should give Matt more credit.
"I mean, if that's what they're calling it these days."
A quick succession of emotions passed over Matt's face in the span of a few seconds. Surprise, joy, elevation, hesitation, then, befuddlement.
"But where would we even go?"
Truthfully, Jay hadn't thought that far. He suddenly felt sixteen, not knowing where to take a girl, not knowing the rules. He and Matt didn't have those rules, and he didn't want to start making them now.
"Dinner?" Jay proposed. It made sense, they ate all the time.
"I don't know..." Matt began to worry his lip and kicked his heel like there was an invisible can at his feet. Jay noted there was an actual discarded soup can about two feet to Matt's left. Jay decided to not ruin Matt's train of thought by pointing it out. They needed to clean the house.
"Like, we're two guys, on a date. What if the waiter thinks we're gay?"
Jay thought on it. He didn't want to freak out Matt, who Jay feared was on the precipice of a crisis of the homosexual variety at any given moment. But what they were doing, Jay had to admit, was pretty gay.
"I mean," Jay said, "Two guys on a date together is kind of gay. Textbook case, actually."
Jay could see something building inside Matt, like the coil of a jack in the box.
"Bird, are we gay?" he practically yelled, startling Jay into stumbling back against the piano bench.
"Oh- I'm sorry!" Matt said as he jumped into action and put his hands on Jay to steady him.
Stopping and softening was something Matt had been doing more lately. It should've been weird, and maybe it was a little, but Jay kind of liked it.
Jay kind of liked the tenderness and he kind of craved it. The sex was great. At first Jay chalked it up to the fact that it'd been a long while both of them, but no, it kept getting better.
In the moments spent in the dark and quiet, they were able to gasp sweet nothings into each other's mouths, beg and whine about what they needed. Jay wished they could do it when Matt's dick wasn't in his hand.
"Matt," Jay said, "Whatever we are. what we're doing is pretty gay. Are we in agreement?"
Matt thought for a moment, then nodded his head aggressively.
"So," Jay said, "If we don't wanna worry about all of that we could just go... to a gay bar?"
Matt pulled his hands off Jay's shoulders and gaped at him.
"We're going to a highly concentrated gay area?" Matt sounded almost scandalized.
Jay was about ready to scrap the idea altogether, save an oncoming discussion for another day, when Matt spoke again,
"That could... work!"
Jay let out a sigh of relief.
"So what do we wear Jay? I don't want us to be clocked as fraudulent patrons."
"I'm pretty sure you can wear like, regular clothes."
---
Jay had realized shortly afterwards that he knew very little about gay nightlife in Toronto. Naturally, he turned to Google, scrolling listicles hoping to find a place that wouldn't scare Matt (and frankly, himself) off.
When Matt and Jay walked through the door, Jay let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
There may have been some rainbow flags on the ceiling, but otherwise the decor seemed pretty run-of-the-mill for any old bar.
Jay beamed and grabbed a slightly anxious Matt by the hand to lead him towards the bar. Matt startled for a beat, then settled and let himself be led.
They ordered two beers and Jay casually took a look around at the patronage. The crowd appeared to primarily skew thirties. Young, fit, good looking men played billiards in the corner. And to Jay's surprise-
"Jay!" Matt stage whispered, "There are women here too!"
"Oh, yeah." Jay noted
At a table to their left, Jay could see a group young women. He took notice of one with a buzzcut, arm slung around another woman with curled blonde hair.
"I guess lesbians come here too."
"I didn't know there was co-mingling like that," Matt said, "I was worried this was gonna be a total sausage-fest."
"You don't seem to, uh, mind those festivities very much lately." Jay said matter-of-factly.
Matt sputtered and lightly choked on his beer, earning a glare from the bartender. Jay patted him on the back until the coughing subsided.
Matt refused to make eye contact with Jay. Jay began to worry Matt was sincerely upset with him before Matt broke the silence:
"It's different when it's you. When the dick is your dick."
Jay both felt his heart warm and felt a twinge of sadness. He had noticed that the women Matt had interest courting had petered out as the years went on, and there weren't very many to begin with. Jay hoped Matt could acknowledge everything, maybe it'd make him happier. Right now though, he was happy to hear that Matt wanted him.
Before Jay could think of how to formulate a response, Matt pointed to a stage, delighted.
"Look, Bird!" he exclaimed, "They have shows here!"
Jay smiled, fondness washing over him.
"I think it's mainly drag queens and stuff, Matt."
"Well no duh," Matt said, "But we could use this, man! Drag queen plan. We advertise our show to the gays, they get all excited for these two handsome boys to play the Rivoli, they can't turn us down then, Bird. They'd crucify them on social media. It'd be like the Canadian Stonewall, bricks flying, dozens dead."
"I don't think anyone died at Stonewall, Matt."
"Well, okay, agree to disagree."
They fell into comfortable conversation after that, Matt scheming animatedly with a glint in his eye that made Jay feel all warm.
When Jay let his gaze linger, and Matt noticed, Matt didn't freak out anymore. He'd might pause, sure, but he'd always smile back.
"Hey," Matt said, surveying the area, "Aren't gay bars supposed to have dance floors? Dance floors and poppers and whatnot?"
"Why?" Jay asked, "You wanna dance with me, MJ?"
Jay half-expected Matt to sputter and deny it outright. Instead, Matt's face flushed. Jay was unsure if it was the comment or the alcohol.
"Yeah Birdy," he said, "I'd really like to."
It was Jay's turn to be caught off-guard. Something warm swelled in his chest. It wasn't the alcohol.
"Well, this isn't a club, Matt." Jay explained, "I think this is a place for regular people and couples to chill, mostly."
"Is that what we are?" Matt asked, suddenly incredibly interested in his empty glass.
Jay felt cornered. He didn't know why.
"What, regular people?"
Matt kept examining his glass, didn't push further.
"Wanna go home, Jay?"
Yeah, their home.
---
On the way back to the house, Jay felt the beginnings of rain. Matt was about to open the front door when a huge flash of lightning struck and a burst of noise reverberated through the area.
Jay's first instinct was to run to Matt, hold his face, check his pulse. Which was silly, because Matt was right in front of him, key in hand, looking confused and fine and alive. But Jay didn't want to freak him out, he stayed put.
"Jay," Matt asked once they were inside, "Are you alri-"
"Do you still wanna dance?" Jay interrupted.
Matt knew something was off. But Matt was uncharacteristically non-pushy tonight, so he answered:
"Yeah, of course."
Jay made his way towards their TV, intending to play some music, then awkwardly realized that he was logged out of his Youtube account.
"Hey uh, Matt. Do you remember my password?"
After trying what felt like dozens of different password combinations at the only pace that a TV remote allows, which is achingly slow, Jay gave up. Partially because he got locked out of his account for too many failed attempts.
"Why don't we use your phone?" Matt asked.
"I dropped it in the shower, remember?" Jay answered, a little sheepishly.
"Oh my god, Jay, you silly billy. Alright, let's just use mine."
Matt propped his phone against their piano, and the beginning notes of a Smashing Pumpkins song that Jay couldn't quite put his tongue on rang out from the speakers.
"That's still really quiet..." Jay noted, but Matt had already put his arms on Jay's shoulders like they were at the prom.
Jay realized that neither of them could even dance.
"We can't dance."
"Shhh..." Matt said, starting to sway back and forth. It was mighty rich for Matt to be the one to silence Jay, but nonetheless Jay obliged.
The music swelled, and Jay felt lulled into a half-awake state, chest to chest with his best friend, feeling his heartbeat. He was transfixed. Matt had almost stepped on Jay's toes a couple times and Jay didn't even mention it once, even if he really wanted to.
The song ended. They breathed in unison, silence falling over them. Jay realized, soberly, that this was the intimacy they may never have had if Matt hadn't died. Jay needed to kiss him, right then.
"Can I kiss you?" Jay asked.
Matt didn't wait to close the gap.
Matt and Jay's mouths moved softly against each other, none of their usual rush, pure contentment. Jay could do this all day.
Matt was the first to pull back.
"So, I really have to ask, is that what we are, Jaybird?" Matt asked, his expression open.
Jay felt a little drunk, but it wasn't the alcohol.
"Huh?" he said, smartly.
"Are we a couple?" Matt asked, voice small.
He looked down at his feet. "Are we... going steady?"
Jay had to laugh.
"What are you, from the 1950s? Gonna take me out to the diner? Gonna sing Greased Lightning from the movie Grease? Olivia Newton-John?"
"Hey!" Matt exclaimed, mock offended, "I'm trying to share my feelings, alright? I'm sensitive!"
Jay's laugh tapered off, "I know, I know."
"I want that," Jay said, "With you."
Matt grinned, absolutely beaming.
"That's what you want? A nice happy life together? Like when you were on speed?"
Jay was getting ready to ask Matt to clarify when he felt Matt bring his lips back to his, more frantic this time.
Jay had more to say, to explain. But with Matt's strong arms wrapped around him, he couldn't seem to remember them. All he could feel was joy, that they had gotten here after twenty years. He also felt some residual guilt, that it took Matt giving everything for them to get here.
It was increasingly difficult to feel those feelings when he felt Matt getting hard through his ridiculous jeans, Jay's mind got foggy. He wanted to feel him everywhere. He supposed he wanted it forever.
They didn't make it to the bed, Matt panting on top of Jay, opening their flies and slotting their hardness together. The sensation was overwhelming. Matt said things like "Feel so good. You feel so good, Bird."
All too quickly, Jay was on the verge of finishing.
"Need you. Never leave." Jay said.
"I won't, you got me."
"I love you, Matt."
Matt came and Jay followed.
In the afterglow, Matt laid on Jay like a weighted blanket. While Jay felt more content than he probably ever had in his life, something still plagued him in the back of his mind. He needed to come clean.
"Hey, Matt?"
Matt lifted his head from Jay's chest, eyes half-lidded. He looked absolutely spent and bone-tired.
"Can I talk about something in the morning? It's not bad, like, about us. Just something I want you to know."
Matt yawned.
"Of course, Bird. Love you."
Just as Jay was about to drift off, Matt's head cradled against his chest, Matt spoke once more.
"Oh, and Jay?"
"Yeah, Matt?" Jay said.
"I think I'm super fucking gay, man."
---