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She looked around her at the pulsing, frenetic scene, how the hell did I wind up here in the first place? She hated the club scene… had for years. It wasn't set up for people like her. She wasn’t some cute, svelte 18 year old with thighs that didn’t touch in the middle and no real fear of rapey frat boys.
The music was solid, though. Gods, she fucking loved a good beat. People asked her (at weddings, the only public forum she felt safe moving to the music anymore) they wanted to know where she learned to dance. My bedroom, my kitchen, she grimaced, safe places. Just like I sang my heart out in the car, the shower. Even so, the last time she really danced at a wedding was years ago. When the kids were still young, before her body had started its malicious campaign to rid her of any remaining pride.
Damn that beat! Fuu-uuuck!! She thought back to college… Nine Inch Nails, that song of Prince’s, the one that dripped sexuality like her mouth did after a reeeally good blow job. It grabbed her deep down. It was like, and she knew this had always been weird, like nursing had. She never admitted it to anybody, but when she was expressing… that act? It just pulled a cord in her, physically, reached straight down to her cunt. She’d never even told Sean that… not that he would have understood it anyways. He’d never been really interested in exploring the depths of her, sexually or otherwise.
She rolled her eyes at herself, looking out at the sea of vapid millenials grinding on the floor. She had thought, maybe… just maybe, there might someone else out there like her. Someone with more than a couple of decades under their belt that might reach a plateau of ‘believable and real.’ Honestly, she didn’t give a shit about gender at the moment, the equipment was just machinery anyways. Maybe somebody who still treasured their old, beat up docs the way she did. Now she figured anybody even glancing her way just saw some lame-ass cougar hunting for a drunk 20-something with low standards.
It WASN’T about SEX! No, back up, it wasn’t just about sex. It was about the baseline, it was about the growl and the drums and the fuck-everything-else-just-be-in-the-now. She felt like she was desperately reaching back to a scene she had never truly experienced.
Fuck it! Seriously… fuck it!!
She ordered a tequilla shot to go with her beer, threw it back and closed her eyes. I don’t care… I don’t care if this is a mid-life crisis. I don’t care if 200 people pick up their phones and share a video that ensures I can never go back to work without shame again. She pursed her lips, I seriously don't, fuck all this, I’m just gonna fuckin’ go.
She made her way out into the crush of bodies, eyes half closed. She felt the beat grab her, letting it twist up inside and take hold. The hips tensed and released, shoulders slipping sideways and rolling back around while the jawline jutted out the direction of this stanza… and that. She lost her mind to the music, only aware of the people around her as a backdrop. She didn’t care if she bumped into them, she made her own space. There was animosity… a fervor… not directed outward or inward, just… embraced and amplified. She ground her ass into whoever was behind her, rode somebody’s leg like she knew their name and cared.
Arms twisting, reaching upward, riding the waves of sound like a kid’s hands out a car window. Her hips jaggedly followed the rhythm, bucking like she was on the cusp of one of those long, hard, slow orgasms that felt like they lasted three fucking days.
Somebody was looking at her, shit. She turned and let the music pull her sideways, away. Gritting her teeth, she rode back to that place… where her logic could sit up on a high shelf and look the other way. The knees shifted, the spine twisted, the eyes peered out of the crowd at her. The fuck? No, this wasn’t about connection, it was about sliding through a liquid wall of sound, being carried away… why were they pulling her back and down?
She caught a glimpse of salt-pepper hair, close cropped in the back. A plane, white tee and a leather jacket that had… seen things. Her eyes narrowed… yeah ok… maybe? The woman wasn’t tall, a slight build, almost wiry… but she had a presence. The eyes looked black in the low, shifting light… not piercing, but steady, though nothing else was. The music growled and purred, they carved themselves into it, making a space for… them. A hand on her hip, she responded in kind, allowing herself to fall into the pool of the woman’s influence. They navigated the rhythm together, sweating into each other.
The songs melded together… teasing, visceral, hour after hour. The thick soup of hormones and stale beer wrapped itself around the pulsing beat, the bodies around them urging the night onward, daring it to continue… until they didn’t. She blinked in surprise as the lights came up and the canned voice of the DJ poured cold reality over the space.
Her body was still thrumming, she looked at her ‘partner,’ her face a tense question. The eyes, she could see now they were blue-grey, were surrounded by creases that could have come out of a desert western. The thin, expressive mouth curled in invitation.
Her heart tripped, ‘I, uh, I don’t…’
An eyebrow arched, ‘You don’t?’
She swallowed, why did her damned confidence have to shrivel up and die when the music did? She chewed on her lip and tried again, ‘Can… can we go somewhere? I’m parked a couple of blocks away, but I live about 40 minutes out.’
‘Yeah,’ the grin again, ‘I’m a couple of blocks down on Dorchester.’ The eyes locked in, ‘I’m Alex.’
‘...Jess,’ her eyes shifted uncomfortably as they filed out into the street, ‘Alex? I’m…’ slow breath out, ‘I’m pretty inexperienced with women.’ Shit, this was embarrassing… she was in her fifties for chrissakes.
Alex’s lips curled back up, ‘ooh, seriously?’ she chuckled, ‘Thought my days with ‘virgins’ were in the past. No problem, we’ll start slow.’
‘Don’t know if that’s necessary,’ Jess mumbled, the heat from their… interactions… on the dance floor was still fresh, even out here in the cool, damp air of the street. Her eyes roved over this new face. Why were her toes curling? Jesus, I’m not 16!
They followed the crowd out, Jess started making her way to her car, ‘I’m parked in the lot over there.’
Alex raised an eyebrow, ‘I mean, that garage stays open all night. You’re better off leaving it there and we can walk. The on-street parking near me is probably all taken by now, anyways.’
‘Yeah, ok,’ she was glad her youngest had started college this fall. This was the first time in a long time she’d been free to stay out as long as she liked.
Alex took her hand and led her down the rapidly quieting street, as the few remaining clubbers dissipated. ‘So, in your fifties and what… exploring?’
‘I mean, I guess. I tried once in college, but it didn’t go anywhere, and then I got married,’ she made a face, ‘it lasted… longer than it should have.’
‘You left him?’
‘No, actually, he passed away a year or so ago.’ She cringed inwardly, waiting for the false sympathy she’d learned to expect… but Alex just let her continue. That was… nice. ‘It hadn’t been good for a while, but I was kind of trapped in it.’
‘How long?’
‘Twenty-eight years.’
She whistled softly, ’damn, girl, almost three decades of your life.’ She looked over, brows furrowed. ‘You know, I can’t say that this is gonna be more than a one-night thing. Even if it was over a year ago, you should be giving yourself time to reacclimate, adjust.’ There was that grin again, ‘A good fuck after some grinding on a dance floor doesn’t make a great basis for a relationship.’
Jess rolled her eyes, ‘Ok, I’m not that inexperienced. I’m not expecting anything more… Although a nice breakfast might be nice.’ She looked over, now she was the one with the lopsided grin. ‘A good fuck, huh? You’re rating me pretty high for a first-timer.’
‘I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt.’ She paused, ‘You know, I saw you over at the bar. Had you pegged for some frustrated divorcee, looking to take revenge for whatever young floozy had absconded with your man.’ When she looked over this time, there was a weight to it, ‘then I saw you dance.’
‘Tonight was just, I dunno, me trying to connect with my roots? Find the stuff that used to bring me joy. I never was one for clubs, though. I just love dancing… got tired of only doing it in my kitchen.’
Sideye, ‘Okaaay, you were pretty much owning it out there.’
‘Yeah, I do a lot of dancing in my kitchen,’ she rolled her eyes, ‘the neighbors are probably good and tired of me dancing in my kitchen.’
‘Then I guess I’m glad I got to see it.’
The street was empty at this point, lamp posts threw a strangely calming orange over the block. The city had a stillness to it, even though she could hear the lamps buzzing, and motors and the occasional siren drifting from however many streets over.
‘Honestly, though, I think this is the only way I was going to be willing to…’ Jess looked for the words, not wanting to be insulting, ‘I mean, I wouldn’t want to go looking for a relationship with a woman… not knowing how I really felt about it. I don’t want to hurt anybody just because I don’t know my own shit.’ She closed her eyes, ‘I mean, it’s kind of embarrassing that I… haven’t explored that part of myself at this point in my life.’
Alex shrugged, ‘Yeah maybe. Doesn’t sound like you gave yourself much of an opportunity. But sometimes the cards just don’t play out right. Lots of people never figure themselves out at all. At least you’re still open to it at this stage.’
‘I couldn’t help it,’ she looked up… then over, ‘you were pretty fuckin’ hot on that dance floor.’
Those eyes crinkled up again, ‘I do love a good beat.’ She pulled out her keys out and climbed up a short flight of stairs, ‘This is me.’
The apartment was on the third floor. Jess didn’t know what to expect when Alex switched on the light, but it was so comfortable looking she had to smile. Braided rugs, squashy chairs and lots of plants… it must be nice with the light coming through the windows. She took a beat… she hadn’t asked Alex anything about herself, just rambled on about her own sad life. Jesus, what was wrong with her?
Alex disappeared around a corner, ‘you want some tea or something? I’ve got some really good green tea, or I can do herbal or Earl Grey.’ She poked her head out, ‘sorry, I don’t drink, so nothing stronger unless you want coffee,’ she made a face.
‘No problem, green tea sounds good, thanks,’ Jess looked around, Oh, she’s into vinyl of course she is… way more hard-core than me, though that should have been obvious from the concert posters on the walls, ‘Wait, did you actually see The Clash live or did you pick that up online?’ It was torn around the edges… it didn’t look like she’d bought it.
Alex came out with two mugs, and a small plate of… ‘Are those sesame candies? I love those!’ She grabbed one and pulled off the wrapper.
‘Thought some tasty carbs might be in order,’ she sat on the sofa and held the mug out. ‘I did see them live, actually… in ‘82, it was the last tour they did before they started to break apart. My brother was going to school near where they were playing and he got me in,’ she huffed, ‘I was underage at the time.’ Something crossed over her face.
‘Was it… not good?’
‘Nah, the band was great. They had just come out with ‘should I stay or should I go,’ played ‘London Calling…’ it was an incredible show. I was just… young and stupid. It wasn’t a great time for me. I think my brother thought he was helping me out, bringing me, but he and his buddies were into all kinds of stuff and I wasn’t… in a good enough place to refrain.’
‘But you keep the poster…’
She sighed, ‘I was lucky. I made it out, eventually… got clean. Jay wasn’t so lucky.’ She had told this story before, but it sounded like she needed that. ‘I keep it for two reasons: that night, I had a great time with my brother. Yeah, we were high off our asses, but it was one of the last times we really had fun together.’ She paused, her lips pursed a little, ‘and I also keep it as a reminder… how much I could loose if I slip, how it would… affect the people I care about, who care about me.’
‘...how long?’
‘Sober? Twelve years.’
‘Alex that’s… an incredible achievement, you should be really proud.’
‘Yeah, it’s good, but I can’t, like, walk around with that. You get cocky, and you might feel like you’re impervious, like you can do anything. Then when it hits, you’re… less prepared for it. It’s a process.’ She leaned back on the couch and sipped her tea, ‘shit, it’s tepid now.’
Jess realized she was leaning way in, tense. She’d known a few people with addiction issues, but none of them were really close. And none of them had kicked it… at least not yet.
She leaned back a little. She wanted to put a hand on Alex’s knee, like she was comforting one of her kids after a hard talk. It felt off though… patronizing. She stared off a bit, ‘I'm sorry… sorry you have to carry that shit around. It sounds like… a weight.’
‘Ok, back up a bit. Just ‘cause I don’t give myself leave to feel all ‘heroic’ about my sobriety doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself to enjoy my life. I just danced my ass off tonight, and managed to find a ‘happy coincidence’ on the dancefloor.’ She arched an eyebrow.
‘Wait…’ Jess rolled the evening back in her mind, ‘you picked me up in a club…’ she looked over, nervous, not knowing how to phrase her concern. She didn’t mind being a one night stand, but she didn’t want to be part of some larger negative habit, or god forbid, spiral. Wait, ‘shit, no… sorry…’ Alex had been nothing but upfront with her. There was nothing about her behaviour that night that spoke of someone loosing some long-fought battle. ‘That wasn’t fair,’ she met Alex’s eyes, realizing how judgemental she was being, ‘I’m… sorry, shit.’ She looked away.
Alex raked her hand through her hair and pursed her lips, ‘yeah, ok, I get why that might look iffy. Truth is, I don’t usually go into that kind of a place either, for… obvious reasons. I was walking home late and heard the baseline... Something just pulled me in. I haven’t really allowed myself much time for music like I used to. I mean, not the in-person experience.’
‘So like… dancing in your kitchen, maybe?’ Sipping at her tea like a bad meme.
Alex guffawed, ‘nah, man, that’s so lame!’
She snarfed her tea… straight out her nose. ‘Da fuck!’ she spluttered, laughing.
‘Ha, I knew you’d be cute when you crack up!’
‘And covered in fucking tea, now, thanks!’ She looked around for a napkin… Alex didn’t give her the chance.
‘Enough of this,’ she pulled Jess to the back of the couch, and growled, ‘you need to clean up, girl!’ Her eyes locked in like they had on the dance floor. She held Jess’s jaw up and ran a finger across her cheek, catching the drops of cool tea, predatory.
Jess’s breath hitched in her throat, and arched her neck back further. ‘Look at you,’ Alex purred, ‘my nice green tea everywhere but where it’s supposed to be.’ She swung herself over, pinning Jess under her hips and running a finger down the line of her throat.
Jess ran her hands up Alex’s thighs, over the worn jeans and latched onto her hips. She looked up at her captor, watched the tee shirt shift… Alex wasn’t wearing a bra, why hadn’t she noticed the nipples pushing against the fabric? She’d always had a weakness for white tees…
Alex’s finger was drifting south past her collarbone… unlike her own, Jess’s shirt was low-cut, burgundy fabric framing her full breasts. Alex bent down, licking stray drops away as Jess’s back arched upward. She hooked a finger under the edge of the garment, ‘Yeah, this is gonna have to come off.’
Jess went to pull the sides up, but Alex grabbed her wrist, ‘Slowly,’ locking eyes on her, ‘nice and slow.’ Jess bit her lip, shifting forward she ran one hand down her front, peeling the layer back as her other hand slid up her torso, over her breast to her arm, releasing the sleeve. Panting, she drew the shirt over her head revealing the smooth, sapphire fabric of her bra.
‘Mmmm, blue… nice,’ she rolled her hips, ‘my turn.’ She was still wearing her leather jacket, she shrugged it to the floor, and Jess’s hands rode up under the white tee, along her ribs, her back. Alex breathed in, ‘no, not quite yet,’ she pushed Jess’s hands back down, then slid her hands around the silky fabric of the bra, cupping the breast. She arched an eyebrow, fingers pulling at the strap, snapping it against Jess’s shoulder. Jess’s back arched again, ‘You like that? Interesting,’ she drew a nail down from the collarbone to the soft flesh as Jess let out a small moan, ‘yeah, I like that, too. I was going to tell you to take this off but,’ she reached down and slowly pinched the nipple through the fabric, ‘I think we can work with it a little first.’
Jess felt the fire smoldering in between her legs. She bit her lip, hard, trying not to buck Alex to the floor. Alex, meanwhile, had moved to the soft flesh of her belly. Raking two nails along each side, down to her abdomen. She noted the scar there, ‘seems I’m not the only one whose cut into this.’ She pursed her lips, and jutted her jaw over, ‘lay down.’
Jess obediently lay across the couch, hands on Alex’s thighs. Alex shifted her weight, allowing Jess’s legs to come up behind her… slightly open, like a question. A suggestion of a smile curled across her face, ‘oh no, we’re not there yet,’ Alex’s thighs tightened, pushing the legs back together. Jess groaned, her hips pushing upward. ‘So impatient… poor thing, i can make this last all night if I want to.’
Alex lowered down to the soft, blue fabric, biting the nipple gently through the fabric and pulling. Jess’s nails dug into her thighs through her jeans, breathless, she whispered, ‘fuuuuuuck…’ Alex grabbed her wrists and pulled them up over her head, in the process dragging her tee across Jess’s face. Jess reached up and tried to bite Alex’s nipple, just missing it. She growled in frustration, breathing in Alex’s scent. Gods, she still had the musk of the club on her.
Alex was focused on the vulnerable flesh of her arms. One hand held Jess’s wrists together while she licked and sucked her way down towards the armpit. The other hand was at Jess’s ribs, sliding under the elastic of the back of her bra and dragging her nails along under the seam.
Jess caught the other nipple through Alex’s tee, sucking through the fabric as Alex’s hips shuddered, ‘this is not our understanding,’ the nails under her bra dug in harder. Jess moaned in protest as the tee was lifted away.
‘Please,’ Jess begged, her words ragged and catching.
‘You want a taste?’
‘Yes, gods, yes…’ Alex pulled her tee off in one clean motion, her lithe form held tantalizingly above Jess’s hunger. She leaned in, giving access to her stomach. Jess lapped at the navel, pulling and sucking, pushing her tongue in making Alex arch and groan.
‘You seem to be… getting the hang of this, noobie. Maybe time to up the game.’ Alex pulled away and stared into her eyes, leaning in again, she met Jess’s lips… softly at first, then fully, her tongue probing as she slipped her hand into the back of Jess’s jeans.
Jess’s hands came up, exploring Alex’s back. One hand down the back of her jeans, the other sliding over the close crop on her neck to grab the longer hair further up. Her hips bucked, one leg sliding around Alex’s to give her more purchase.
Alex shifted downward, raking her nails along Jess’s front to undo the button on her jeans. Pulling the zipper down, she stroked the wet surface of her underwear. Jess’s head whipped back, her back arching her chest upward as she groaned. Her nails raked Alex’s back.
‘Ok, we’re done here’ Alex broke free and glared down at Jess’s surprised face, ‘take ‘em off, now.’
Jess grinned, moving fast, she grabbed Alex’s jeans and unbuttoned them, ‘Fuck!’ She jumped off in surprise, then grinned in admiration, but Jess wasn’t done. She stood and grabbed the back of Alex’s neck, bringing her in for a deep kiss, dragging the zipper down with her other hand, she pushed the underwear aside and ran her fingers through the hot, wet folds. Alex’s knees buckled as they stumbled backwards against the bookcase. Alex ran her hands under Jess’s waistband and shoved the jeans down over her ass. ‘Normally,’ she muttered in Jess’s ear, ‘we’d do the boots first.’
‘Fuck!’ Jess broke away, stumbling with her jeans in such an awkward position.
Alex laughed, unlacing her boots and stepping out easily while Jess fumbled with hers. She briefly considered pushing her over onto the couch before realizing how counterproductive that would be. She grinned and helped Jess with her boots and jeans. Once free, Jess immediately went for Alex’s jeans, pushing them to the floor. Finding herself on her knees, she looked up impishly, grabbing Alex’s hips and licking through her underwear to her clit. ‘Damn, girl,’ Alex groaned, ‘I thought you’d never done this before!’
‘Yeah, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about it,’ she inhaled the rich scent, ‘gods, you smell good.’ Jess looked up, ‘...can I?’
‘Yeah... apparently you can,’ Alex moved over to the couch, took off her underwear and laid out, legs spread invitingly.
Jess took a minute to take it all in, the light frame, that delicious spot where the neck and shoulder meet, wry smile and mature eyes meeting hers… she hadn’t admitted to herself how much she’d wanted this. She knelt down, hands caressing the slight breasts, squeezing a nipple as Alex languidly arched her back. She drifted her mouth down the stomach, licks turning into luscious bites trailing south as her hands caressed the upper thighs, teasingly brushing up against the center.
The heat there was unmistakeable… it was for her, she did that. Her heart swelled as she listened to the beautiful noises Alex was making. She allowed her fingers to drag through the folds, the wetness echoing her own. She brought her lips down and dragged her tongue and teeth across the inner thigh, almost touching the center. Somebody really should be recording these gorgeous sounds. Her tongue finally descended and licked through the folds as Alex’s hips bucked against her. What a beautiful, rich feast. She moved up to the clit, dragging her tongue around it as her thumb continued to slide through the folds. As her other hand stroked gently along Alex’s stomach and breasts, she pushed a finger, then two, up inside as she continued her play with the clit.
She hadn’t asked how Alex felt about ass play… she didn’t want to assume, but she knew it was something she liked. She slowly pulled her fingers out, dragging the wetness down, exploring. Alex didn’t stop her, in fact she caught her breath in the most delightful way. Jess readjusted her hand, her fingers pushed inside while the thumb explored the puckered back. Alex’s moans were increasing, her hips shuddering and grinding against Jess’s lips and hand. Her tongue curled deliciously around Alex’s clit as her thumb pushed gently into her ass. Alex’s hips bucked wildly as her ass and cunt clamped down on Jess’s fingers, she cried out as her body arced backward. Jess kept her mouth and hand where they were, following Alex’s motions as the convulsions gradually slowed. ‘Jesus fucking christ,’ she whispered thinly, ‘how long have you been… thinking about this?’
Jess nuzzled Alex’s beautiful, sopping wet pussy, ‘A long time… a really long time.’