Chapter Text
It’s been a year since Jaehyun often feeling as if he just wakes up from a coma, from a really deep sleep without any dreams, without any memories of how and when he sleeps then how he wakes up in an unfamiliar place. If he’s lucky enough, he’d wake up on his bed, but still with no memories of the night before.
At first he suspected it’s happened because he had sleeping habit, maybe sleepwalking, that’s why he often wakes up in the strange places. But one day, when he found himself waking up inside the warehouse, in the middle of the sea of blood and unconscious bodies around him, he was terrified. He knew it’s not only a sleeping habit anymore.
“I’m a monster. I’m possessed.” That’s what Jaehyun thought.
He met a shaman, diligently following what the shaman said for a week, doing strange rituals and bring talisman everywhere he goes, but it didn’t change anything. He still woke up in the middle of nowhere, without any memories why he was there. Even though for that week there wasn’t any bruise and cuts on his face, and there wasn’t any blood stain on his clothes, he was still terrified.
He stopped meeting the shaman, thinking maybe there’s something wrong with his brain, with his mental. The idea of coming to the psychiatrist was scaring him. “What if I’m crazy?!” Jaehyun was scared. His society is still labeling someone with mental disorder as the lowest human being. Someone with mental disorder is treated differently, even lower than how people treats animal.
People could sympathize with a cancer patient, but why they couldn’t do the same with a mental disorder patient? They both sick, though in the different aspects. Jaehyun wondering why. But that’s how society works. He couldn’t change people’s perspective in a blink of eyes. He couldn’t blame people if one day they find out about his abnormality and call him ‘crazy’.
Jaehyun is scared. He is still not ready being “different”. He feels scared interacting with people, scared what if they find out and then tell him to go away, to not be there, to should not having a big dream, to should not doing something he always love.
That’s why Jaehyun builds invisible walls around him, to protect himself. He is hiding behind those walls. It’s been a year since he pushes people off of him. Jung Jaehyun has no social life. His world only rotates around university-apartment-university-apartment, or so he thought at first until his therapist helped him finding out about his alter egos, the strangers who live inside his body but with the totally different personalities and memories.
His therapist helps him getting know his alter egos better. Sometimes his therapist asks him to talk to one of his alter egos, whom considered as the safest among the 4 alter egos he has by doing a routine recording every counseling session. Then whenever he gets the reply, he still feels it’s only a dream, a really bad one, because he knows it’s himself who talks but with the different consciousness, personality, name, and experiences of life. He wishes it’s not one of his alter egos who talks to him, but his twin. It must’ve been nice having a twin named Jung Jae Yook who loves cooking instead of sharing the same body but with the different consciousness.
Jaehyun never talks to his other alter egos aside of Jae Yook. His therapist said he’s still not ready meeting those three, but his instinct told him maybe they hate him and refuse to talk to him. Jaehyun knows better than anyone, even he himself sometimes hates himself.
Jaehyun has been trying to make a peace with himself, to forgive himself – as how his therapist suggests him to do – but it’s useless since he has no idea of why he has to forgive himself, forgive himself of what?
Jaehyun knows there’s a big hole in his memories. He always knows there’re some missing puzzles in his life. Before he knew he’s suffering from the Dissociative Identity Disorder, he thought it’s only the usual thing. People often not remember their childhood recollection, do they? But now he’s wondering, maybe there’s something, an important thing in his childhood that shapes him into who he is right now. He’s trying hard to remember what it is, but there’s nothing. His childhood is normal, as long as he remembers.
Jaehyun never bothers anymore with bruises on his face. He knows, it must’ve been because of Jay, one of his alter egos.
Even though Jaehyun never talks to Jay, he knows many things about Jay based on what his therapist told him, though he’s sure his therapist still not telling him everything about Jay, nor his other alter egos. There’s the right time for it, that’s what his therapist said.
Jay, 24, a Korean-American, the heir of the strongest gang in Asia (though Jaehyun knows the gang is only the imaginary thing, because he knows there isn’t any gang named the Rabbit, fuck! Even the name is funny!), a really good fighter, master a lot of kind of martial arts, strong, tough, talks without any filter, a playboy, loves wearing an Eifel tower piercing on his right ear and a cherry earring on his left ear, fluent speaking a lot of languages, clever, sly, and has anger management issue.
Jaehyun knows, it’s Jay who makes him woke up in the warehouse back then, among the unconscious bodies and sea of blood. It’s Jay who caused painful bruises and cuts on his face and palms. It’s Jay who gave him a lot of blood stains on his clothes, made him really mad when Jay ruined his favorite shirt!
Jay often made Jaehyun mad. Jaehyun has no idea why. And it seems like Jay knows everything about Jaehyun. It seems like Jay hates Jaehyun, so much.
Jay knows which one is Jaehyun’s favorite shirt and jeans – both had been ruined. Jay knows how to annoy Jaehyun by making him wakes up inside the trash bin, knows very well how much Jaehyun treasure the cleanliness around him. Jay knows Jaehyun loves reading Harry Potter and often re-reads the books whenever he’s bored or exhausted because of school assignments and projects, that’s why Jay burned the books, Jaehyun cried when he found out the book’s covers were scattering around the ashes of the pages, Jay is so cruel, leaving Jaehyun only the book’s covers as the proof of his evil deeds.
It’s Jay. It’s always been Jay.
Jaehyun knows, there’s no way Jae Yook, Yoonoh, or White would do those kind of things!
Jaehyun often talks with Jae Yook via the video recordings. Jaeyook is nice, and often cook Jaehyun a lot of delicious meals.
Yoonoh has OCD, so there’s no way Yoonoh would burn Jaehyun’s books and leave the ashes inside his bed room!
White is so pure, almost like a child, though his therapist said that White rarely talks with his mouth, only communicate with the drawing. White has a phobia of the fire and flame, so there’s no way he’s the culprit!
It’s Jay. It’s always been Jay.
One day, when Jaehyun woke up with a lot of bruises on his forearms, he knows there’s something wrong. The problem is, the bruises don’t look like his previous bruises whenever Jay had had the fight with the gangs. This time, the bruises look like the love bites.
Jaehyun, as usual, couldn’t recall anything. Why-how-when-where-and who gave him those love bites?
Jay? But Jay is too dominant. He wouldn’t let anyone give him those visible love bites. Jay is too casanova to let anyone leave him traces. One of Jay mottos is: Jay can have anyone, but no one can have Jay. He wouldn’t let anyone marks him!
Yoonoh? No way! He would never let anyone touches him! But it’s a different case if someone forced himself/herself on Yoonoh. God, Jaehyun hopes it’s not Yoonoh! Based on what Jaehyun’s therapist said about Yoonoh, he has a trust issue and kind of scared of people – not to the level of social phobia though – but still… it’s scary imagining him being raped by someone.
White? It’s even scarier imagining someone raped White! White is just a teenager. 16! For God’s sake! Even though Jaehyun doesn’t know White as much as he knows Jaeyook, he always has a soft spot for White. He has no idea why.
Jaeyook? Yeah, probably. Even though Jaeyook never mention anything about his love life whenever Jaehyun talks with him via the video recordings.
“Maybe it’s Jaeyook. I’ll make sure to ask him about this later.” Jaehyun whispers as he traces his fingers on those purplish on his forearms. He’s frowning deeply, there’s a strange sensation inside his chest. His heart is tightening in an uncomfortable way, making him gasping – trying hard taking the fresh air as much as possible into his lungs, but there’s a tingling inside it at the same time as well, as if someone had lit the fireworks and made him see the beautiful colors and light on the night sky, feeling warm, safe, and loved.
Jaehyun desperate to find out what’s the cause is, or maybe who? He wants to remember everything. He wishes he could remember every detail, everything what his alter egos had done.
Because he got the feeling that his alter egos: Jay, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White know something he doesn’t know, and he desperately wants to know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lee Taeyong thought Jung Jaehyun looks really charming under the sun rays of the summer, when Jaehyun took off the snapback which is hiding Jaehyun’s beautiful eyes from people around him. Taeyong wished he could stare into Jaehyun’s eyes directly, but as usual, the architecture boy only walked on the campus garden that separating the architecture and psychology major buildings silently, fast, without any sound, almost like a ninja. When the summer breeze played with Jaehyun’s black hairs, Taeyong feels something warm stirs inside his heart.
Lee Taeyong thought Jung Jaehyun looks really charming behind the white hoodie. It’s autumn, not that cold, Taeyong thought, but Jaehyun always wears a really thick hoodie, or sometimes a coat. Whenever Jaehyun wears the coat, he always pairs it up with the matching fedora. Jaehyun has a good fashion sense, Taeyong thought. Taeyong wished this time he could look into Jaehyun’s eyes, but like usual, the younger always lowers his face, looking at the ground, avoiding people's stare. Taeyong heaved a deep sigh. He could only stare at Jaehyun’s back with a longing feeling.
Winter is cold, but Taeyong’s feeling got warmer whenever he sees Jaehyun walks by passing him, like usual, nonchalant with the surrounding, so he maybe never realized even for just once of Taeyong’s intense stare at him since the last summer. Taeyong chuckled, thinking that Jaehyun is really cute wearing the red beanie with moomin printed on the front. Jaehyun looks more charming too, Taeyong thought.
Spring is Taeyong’s favorite season, and it seems like its Jaehyun’s favorite too. For the first time in his life, Taeyong saw Jaehyun smiling! It’s not only charming, but… breathtaking. Taeyong wished he could become the reason of Jaehyun’s smile. Taeyong wished Jaehyun could look at him, and only him – just like what Jay, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White had done all these times.
“I wish you could know everything about me too, Jaehyun. Why did you never show yourself in front of me?” Taeyong whispered sadly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~
Taeyong always admires Jung Jaehyun, the junior from the architecture major who had stolen his heart at the first sight.
Jaehyun is handsome and clever, but not popular. Actually, he is popular, but his admirers choose to keep their feelings by themselves rather than saying it out loud because Jaehyun looks scared whenever people talks to him or approach him just so they could look at Jaehyun's handsome face up close. Based on Taeyong’s observation, Jaehyun is not scared, only guarded. Jaehyun is trying hard to push people away of him. Taeyong is dying to know why.
Taeyong had never imagined this before, having Jung Jaehyun – his crush – as his client. Okay, Jaehyun is Taeyong’s uncle’s client, but since his uncle agreed to let Taeyong attend some therapy sessions as an observer, then later let him do the counseling so Taeyong could fulfill his Abnormal Psychology assignment, Jaehyun becomes Taeyong’s client too, right? Indirectly.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, or Multiple Personality Disorder. It would become the perfect project for Taeyong, if only Jaehyun is not the client! Why? Because the therapist and the client should not have a romantic feeling for each other, to maintain the professionalism, code ethic, and a lot of other crucial things related to the therapy. But Taeyong has feeling for Jaehyun, ever since before he knows that Jaehyun is one of his uncle’s clients.
Taeyong had met Jay, the overly confident playboy who’s really good in fighting – he almost broke Taeyong’s arms when Taeyong playfully teased him about his fighting skill. Charming? Yes, but Jay is not Jaehyun. Taeyong only likes Jaehyun.
Taeyong had met all of Jaehyun’s alter egos, but not even once Jaehyun showed himself in front of Taeyong. At first, his uncle suspected maybe Jaehyun’s alter egos are being a spoiled brat, wanting to tricks Taeyong as the new face in their therapy session, maybe also considering him as a threat, so those alter egos repressed Jaehyun, the real one, to not appear in front of Taeyong.
But in the next session, and the next session, Jaehyun could shift in a blink of eyes to one of his alter egos whenever Taeyong came. It’s as if Jaehyun was intentionally hiding himself from Taeyong. Taeyong was wondering why.
“Tae, I know at first I thought it’s a really bad idea letting you into Jaehyun’s therapy. You know DID is a really rare case, and the treatment is very difficult. But now I think there’s something in you, something triggers Jaehyun. I still don’t know what it is, but maybe both of you have connection in the past.” Kim Jae Joong, Taeyong’s uncle, suddenly said those words when Taeyong came over to his place to have the free dinner, making Taeyong shook his head as he frowned deeply, disagreed.
“I met Jaehyun a year ago, uncle. I’m sure I never met him before the college.”
Jaejoong looked at Taeyong intensely, his gaze was really warm and fatherly. “You don’t remember anything before my sister adopted you, Tae.” Jaejoong said carefully.
Taeyong sighed. “Yeah, but… alright, let’s say we met before, but when? And how? And why? As far as I know, Jaehyun comes from a wealthy family. His parents run business and stays in New York. Jaehyun lived there too before he entered the university. There’s no way he and I met in the past! Mom told me she found me in an orphanage in Osaka, though I don’t remember it.”
“Jaehyun was adopted too.”
“What?” Taeyong’s eyes widened in surprised.
“He doesn’t know it. But his alter egos know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taeyong often meets Jaehyun’s alter egos outside of the therapy sessions. He has no idea why it seems like Jay, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White are following him but making their encounter as a coincidence!
They are all unique. They’re all have Jaehyun’s face but with the different personalities, memories, dailies life, skills, and experiences.
Jay often appears whenever there’s danger around Taeyong, even if it only a silly danger such as when Taeyong was clumsily tripped himself and fell on the stairs because he had too many text books in his hands for the Neuropsychology class.
Taeyong thought Jaehyun’s alter egos would never appear in the campus! Yes, he met them outside of the campus: at the convenience store, on the street around his neighborhood, at the hangang park, at the book store, at the basketball court, at the cofee shop, etc, etc. He never guessed he would meet them at the campus! Campus is the only place where Taeyong could see Jaehyun, the real Jaehyun, not the alter egos, even though Jaehyun doesn’t know Taeyong’s existence.
Jaeyook often appears near the restaurant, food stall, or even in the cooking section in the department store. One day, when Taeyong was really hungry because he had skipped breakfast and lunch, Jaeyook suddenly came to Taeyong’s class, bringing a lunch box.
“It’s a very late lunch, but here… you must’ve been hungry because of the exams. You tend to forget having meals whenever you….” Jaeyook stopped talking as he was grinning shyly, blushing.
It’s scary how Jaeyook could feel how hungry Taeyong was at that moment. How could Jaeyook know? How could Jaeyook know that Taeyong always forgets having meals when he’s too focus on something? How could Jaeyook know Taeyong’s schedule?
“Thank you.” Taeyong said softly as he gave Jaeyook a warm smile, making Jaeyook blushing even more.
“You’re welcome. I found happiness whenever people love my cooking. You know what? I’ll join a cooking competition! And it’s a big, really big, competition! You might see me on the TV later.”
Taeyong smiled. “Really? Wow! You’ll become a great chef, Jaeyook~ah!”
Jaeyook smiled an identical dimples smile with Jaehyun, of course, Taeyong thought.
Taeyong was too engrossed with his own thoughts, so he didn’t hear Jaeyook’s soft murmur. “Maybe I'd find mom and Yuta too. They really love my cooking.”
White often appears in the therapy sessions, giving Taeyong a lot of drawings, as usual, communicating with the drawings. Most of the times, the drawing is really abstract, only consisted of colors, sometimes lines with a pastel color, sometimes dots with the nude colors – forming something abstract that conveys his feeling.
Taeyong finds it difficult to interpret White’s drawing. He still has to learn more and gain a lot of experiences like his uncle to be able to understand White’s drawing.
White is really talented. His drawings and paintings could earn him a lot of money if he wants.
Sometimes White’s drawings bring Taeyong to tears, it’s too painful to see the black colors that painting the drawing book when Taeyong asked him about his parents, or his friends, or even just a simple “How are you today, White?” when Taeyong stepped into the therapy room, knew it’s White in front of him because there’re a lot of drawing pencils and books on the floor.
Black. White colored the drawing book with the black.
White only appeared in the campus once. At first Taeyong thought it’s Yoonoh, based on the way he stares at Taeyong. Yoonoh and White have similar expression. Blank.
What’s the difference? Yoonoh is really clean, overly clean, from the head to toes Yoonoh’s body screams “I love clean. Don’t touch me! You’re full of germs!”
Meanwhile White’s shirt is usually full of crayon or drawing pencil stains.
At that time, White was wearing a simple and clean white t-shirt, so Taeyong thought he’s Yoonoh.
White gave Taeyong a drawing. It’s the sea with the beautiful sun rise. There’re 2 little boys sitting on the sands, but Taeyong could only saw their backs.
“Do you want to go to the sea?” Asked Taeyong softly. White shook his head.
Taeyong looked at the drawing again, thinking, there’s oddly a familiar feeling of the drawing, as if he’s been there before.
“Is this your hometown?” Taeyong asked again, this time more carefully.
White nodded.
“Is this boy… you?” Taeyong was pointing at the smaller boy.
White nodded.
Taeyong smiled. “Who’s the boy beside you? Your friend?”
White shook his head.
“Your brother?” Taeyong asked patiently.
White nodded.
Ah, so White has brother. Or had.
“What’s his name?”
White took out a small note book and pen from his jeans pocket, writing something, then giving the note to Taeyong.
Taeyong read it. “Yuta? Your brother’s name is Yuta?”
White nodded.
Yoonoh often appears in the therapy sessions as much as White. Taeyong could handle Yoonoh well as he himself loves the cleanliness. Heck! His hobby is washing clothes, and he always spends his free time by cleaning his apartment until the floor and the window glass are sparkling and spotless. No, Taeyong doesn’t have an OCD like Yoonoh, but he has mysophobia. Similar, but so much different.
At first, Taeyong thought White would be the most difficult to approach, but it turns out to be Yoonoh.
Yoonoh talks, yes, by mouth, not by the drawings like White. But it’s really difficult to make a conversation with him.
Yoonoh is full of mystery.
Jay often appears whenever Taeyong is in a danger, yes, but he often appears unexpectedly too.
“Tu me manques.” Jay smirked cockily as he gave Taeyong a flirty wink.
“What? I don’t understand an alien words, Jay!” Taeyong rolled his eyes.
Jay might be annoying, but Taeyong finds him the most comfortable to talk to.
“It’s a French, dummy!” Jay chuckled. “The meaning is… I miss you.”
Taeyong shook his head. “You just met me… what? 2 hours ago at the convenience store? You rarely come to the therapy session, Jay. What make you come today? It’s so… unexpected.”
Jay shrugged. “Because I miss you, Taeyongie.”
Taeyong let out a deep sigh. “Okay.”
“Don’t you miss me too?” Jay gave Taeyong his cute dimples smile. Adorable, but wicked.
“What would you do if I say I miss you too? Would you tell me about your past?”
Jay shrugged. “No way, Tae!” Jay stood up, leaning closer to Taeyong. “I want having sex with you.”
“JAY!” Taeyong glared.
Jay laughed. “What? Come on, Tae! I know you love my body, or Jaehyun’s body.” Jay’s voice got deeper, a bit dangerous and threatening when he said Jaehyun’s name.
“I saw you checking him out. I saw everything, Tae. I’m the cleverest among us.” Jay smirked proudly and then whispered to Taeyong’s ears seductively. “I never let anyone gives me marks. But I’d let you…”
“Jay….”
“Je t’aime.” Jay cut Taeyong off, again, with the foreign words. His gaze strangely was really soft now.
“What is it?”
“It’s the French words for I love you.” Then Jay started talking non stop in French for about 3 minutes, Taeyong didn’t know what the meaning is.
“Why are you so fluent in French, Jay?”
Jay shrugged. “Because I thought those bastards brought you and Yuta to France.”
For a moment, Taeyong could see an anger flashing in Jay’s eyes, the different kind of anger, as if he’s not only angry to the bastards he mentioned before but also to himself. Taeyong saw the sadness and guilt in those dark orbs as well.
“Wait! Yuta?”
Taeyong remembers White’s older brother’s name is Yuta.
“Who's Yuta?”
“My younger brother.”
Taeyong gasped. So, Jay is White’s older brother?
“Jay, you’re White’s older brother?”
Jay laughed, but the laughter didn’t reach his eyes. “What do you mean? White is… fake! Yuta is my younger brother.”
Jay aware of Jaehyun’s other alter ego. He knows about White, Jaeyook, and Yoonoh. But they don’t know about Jay. Taeyong remembers what his uncle said.
Taeyong nodded. “Okay.” He knows its useless making an argument with Jay.
“Or maybe he’s older? I don’t know. I don’t remember well. But I do remember Yuta loves wearing the cherry earrings. You often tease him, you asshole!” Jay was faking the scolding and the glare, but his lips were forming a tender smile.
Taeyong frowned, remembers what his uncle said.
“Really? I often teased Yuta?”
Who’s Yuta? Do I really have connection with Jaehyun’s past?
“Please tell me more about him, about you, about…. us.”
Jay shook his head as he was turned around. “I gotta go.”
“Jay?”
“See you later, babe.” Jay turned his head just to give a flirty wink to Taeyong, then ran out of the room, escaping. Maybe escaping Taeyong’s question?
Taeyong sighed. He knows it wouldn’t be easy.
5 minutes later, there’s a soft knock on the door. Taeyong frowned. Who is that?
He walked to open the door. “Jaehyun?” He asked carefully and wished it’s Jaehyun who’s standing in front of him right now.
Jaehyun, or maybe one of Jaehyun’s alter egos, but clearly not Jay nor Jaeyook, walked inside of the room. Then when he reached out for the drawing book and crayon, Taeyong finally knew he’s White.
Taeyong took a peek behind White’s back. White was coloring the page with the black crayon. Everything is black. Only black, without giving any space for another color.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~