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Ze hated Regect’s smarmy invisible face staring at him across from the table. After the past couple years with him and Moe, Ze had figured out the trick to actually reading Regect’s expressions with the limited facial features that he swapped between on the regular. When he had eyes, look for the eyebrows. His mouth only manifested when he wanted to eat (and that included things other than food). He never made noses unless he wanted to really exaggerate how shit Ze’s cooking was. And right now, Regect was making his dumbass “staring lovingly” face that he made whenever he wanted something.
“What do you want, Regect?”
“Jeez, no need to be such a dick. I just wanted was to invite you to dinner tonight.”
“Oh, really? That’s it?” Regect never just wanted to do anything; there was always some bullshit attached to it that made the rest of their nights harder than before.
“Yep. That’s it.” Ze tried staring him down in the eyes that Regect rapidly shifted about his face. Eventually, Regect relented and made a single Egyptian-style iris across his face before responding. “And maybe Moe and her date come along.”
“You got Moe to finally invite her girlfriend to our house?” She had been dating this mysterious figure for the past month or two, and she refused to tell either of them anything about her. Ze had tried to respect her privacy, but Regect had been pestering her about every little detail that she would divulge to learn more and trying to force Ze to do the same.
“Not yet. But when she hears that I have a table for 4 at Dorsia, how could anyone refuse?”
“Aren’t you still banned from Dorsia because of what happened with the waiter?”
“First off, you were one who broke his legs. Second, that expired a week ago, and the new maître D doesn’t recognize my voice.”
Ze, admittedly, wasn’t against the idea of not having to make dinner tonight. And all he had planned for today was a range day to make sure that his rifles weren’t damaged in the glitter bomb that someone had sent to them under the guise of an Amazon package.
“Alright, if you can get Moe to agree to it, I guess I’ll come.”
Regect leaned over and mimed giving him a big kiss. It was more like pressing his eyelids across Ze’s face, which was much better than the sloppier full mouth-head “kisses” that Regect did to fuck with Ze before they went to sleep. He began to skip down the hallway towards Moe’s room, but before he entered Regect turned to Ze and shouted,
“By the way, you’re paying.”
Goddamnit, Regect.
Ze spent most of his morning to afternoon dolling himself and Moe up to look fancy enough for the high standards of Dorsia. They technically had no dress code, but they had the reverse of that “no ties” policy that Ze saw in that one Diary of a Wimpy Kid book. If your party came in without a tie, you weren’t allowed in until everyone could prove they could tie one around the neck of a mannequin in the “unrefined corner” of the lobby.
Ze had agonized over what to wear to the occasion, mostly because his wardrobe consisted of hoodies, sleeveless hoodies, and hoodies with sleeve lengths in between those two. He dug through his closet and pulled out the single dress shirt that he only wore a single time, to Msak and Ptolemy’s wedding. He was Msak’s best man, and he had to buy a whole outfit that he expected to never wear again. Gotta say, looking back, his toast sucked ass. Anyways, he managed to iron out most of the creases and scrape off most of the dust that had settled on his bowtie and coat. The pants were completely fucked, so Ze settled on a nice pair of black jeans considering that it mostly matched the color of the tuxedo vest he decided to wear. All in all, Ze looked pretty spiffy if he could say so himself. The finishing touch was a bit of pomade to slick his hair back just enough to still hide his widow’s peak.
Moe was much easier to get ready for the dinner. The outfit was the hard part; she had many dresses, suits, and other clothes that would perfectly fit the situation, but helping her decide on which one was durable enough for the shenanigans that were sure to follow, fancy enough to meet the standards, and pretty enough to impress her date (especially considering how vague Moe was being about what her “Red”’s taste was). Ze helped her choose between the twin-colored sequined dress and or the black strapless dress to pair with the red suit jacket and boa. He chose the former. Afterwards, it was a simple process of adding a bit more glitter to her usual makeup to really sell the runway-model look that she wanted to impose. Ze did stop her from wearing heels, only because of the number of times these escapades ended with all of them in a dead sprint. Finally, now that the two of them were finished getting ready, it was time to check on Regect.
“What the fuck did you do?”
“Well, I saw the two of you were getting ready for the dinner and thought I should do the same.”
“This is getting ready to you?” Regect had replaced his usual collar with an encrusted choker and had groomed back most of his fur to a less mangy state. Other than that, he had made no other changes to his normal state.
“Oh, what, am I not good enough for you? I got in my nicest suit and everything!”
“There’s a difference between formal attire and…” Ze gestured wildly in Regect’s general direction to try to articulate his point.
“I think it’s nice, Ze.” honked Moe.
“Whatever. If we get kicked out, I swear to God…” Despite his complaining, Ze did appreciate that Regect put in some effort to make himself look presentable in front of Moe’s girlfriend. He had a sneaking suspicion that the real reason why Moe never wanted to bring her around was because of the slovenly state of Regect.
“Let’s head on out to our double date. I’m driving!” Wait, what? Before Ze had a chance to process what he said, Regect grabbed the keys and ran out to the car.
“Shotgun!”
Shit, he needs to get a move on.
As Ze got to the car, Regect was blasting the radio through its speakers at max volume as Moe leaned back in her seat. Ze squeezed into the back, buckled his seat belt, and lurched forward as Regect suddenly reversed, spun, and drove off towards the nearest road. He was gonna get carsick again, and it practically erased the thought of “double date” his mind.
The three of them eventually arrived at Dorsia and Ze looked around to see if Moe’s partner had arrived before them. Unfortunately, Ze didn’t see anyone with red hair (which is what he assumed why Moe called her Red) outside, and that didn’t change by the time they found parking.
As they got out and gathered their things, Regect turned to Ze and said, “By the way, I put the reservation in your name.”
“And my credit card, right?”
Regect beamed and replied, “Now you’re getting it!”
Whatever. Ze walked up to the reception as everyone else filed in behind him. “Party of four for ‘Ze2the3’, please.”
The waiter stared blankly at him and dryly responded “Is your entire party here, sir?”
“Not yet, we’re waiting on one.”
“Then you will not be seated until they arrive.”
Of course, of fucking course. Great. “Moe, do you know when your girlfriend will be here?”
The reservation’s at six, so probably… she looked at her watch. Two minutes, tops. Actually, I have to go use the bathroom. She’ll definitely be here by the time I finish, so don’t worry.
“Fine, go ahead.”
Ze and Regect took a seat on the leather seats they offered for people who couldn’t get a reservation. At least they weren’t in the tie corner like that lolita-fashioned woman and her drooling companion.
Ze and Regect sat in relative silence, as Regect had headphones in and was listening to music loud enough that even Ze could hear it.
He tapped Regect on the shoulder and he took an airpod of out his ears (and he did have ears, this time). “Did you, uh, ever figure out what “Red” looks like?”
“Oh, I thought we were supposed to respect Moe’s privacy.”
“Shut the fuck up. That didn’t stop you.”
“But I shouldn’t dare pry into the affairs of our friend!”
“God, I’m just trying to make conversation.”
“And I’m just fucking with you.”
Ze rolled his eyes and turned away from Regect. He was now affixed to the entrance, trying to figure out if anyone who walked in could be Moe’s lover.
Probably not the slime guy. Definitely not the mouse. Maybe the winged robot – oh holy shit.
“Regect.” Ze prodded at his shoulder. “Regect.”
“Oh my fucking god, what now?”
“Shhh!” He pointed at the door, because the Prime Simulacrum had just walked in. As far as Ze and Regect knew, they were the newest tool in the Eyes’ arsenal to do… whatever the daemon was trying to do.
“Fuck, what are they doing here?” It seems that the walking QR-Code hadn’t noticed them and was impatiently searching for something.
“Probably to fuck with us again. You wanna kick their ass before Moe gets back?”
“Hell yeah.” Regect took off his nail caps and let his claws breathe. Ze prepared to draw their concealed carry and put up three fingers.
He nodded at Regect and began to count down.
Three.
Two.
One.
Fist.
Regect leaped from his seat to tackle it, but it snatched him out of the air and threw him back – directly at Ze, causing him to snag his pistol on its holster while he tried to block and nearly shoot out his own kneecap. The gunshot was ignored by most of the staff, and the two scrambled to get into a better position.
The entity held up its hands as they managed to stand up. “Cease, you two. I’m not here to hurt either of you.”
Its deep voice reverberated throughout the lobby, and Ze spat back, “Like hell you aren’t! Why else would you be here?!”
At that moment, there was a rapid honking incoming from the restrooms. "Stop it! Wait! Hold on!:
Moe suddenly rushed between the three, and seemed to be defending the entity?
:Sorry, guys, but I didn’t want you to freak out. She put her hand on its shoulder. This is my girlfriend, Red."
“Now that your party is complete,” suddenly declared their waiter, “please follow me to your seats. Oh, and please put away your weapons, or you shall be removed from this establishment immediately.”
Ze and Regect grumbled and safely stored their implements of destruction. Red and Moe walked off with the waiter, leaving the two to follow.
“This smells fishy.” Ze mumbled to Regect.
“Yeah, and I hate seafood.”
“Wait, what? Then why are we eating here?”
“It’s a metaphor, jackass. I wouldn’t book a spot at a fish place if I didn’t like fish.”
“It’s not the stupidest thing you’ve done.”
“God, just let me agree with you!”
“Fine, fine. You’re right.”
The four took their seats around a roundtable with a black tablecloth. Probably for the best, because Regect was already tracking his fur everywhere. There was an awkward silence as Moe fiddled with her horn and Red was being scrutinized by both Ze and Regect.
“Could I start you all of with something to drink?” asked their waiter.
“A Bloody Mary.” "A Shirley Temple, please." “Sex on the Beach.” “Just a Coke, for now.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
The dinner came with an appetizer of tension in the air. For the first twenty minutes, the only time any of them spoke was to order a dozen oysters for the table.
Eventually, Moe broke the silence with a passive honk. So, Red, why don’t you reintroduce yourself to Ze and Regect?
“Fine. You two already know me, but very recently I have… severed ties with the Visionary. Now, I am an independent entity like you, Regect. Moe has been helping me find who I want to be.”
“Please. That jackass wouldn’t just let you go without a fight. And I don’t believe that you would leave him.”
“Yeah, didn’t you just send in that wendigo to destroy our windows?”
"You still sent that in? " “My goose, I told you I would.” "Did you at least remove the ear-piercing wail?" “Of course I did. That was our compromise.”
“Sorry to derail this little side convo – Moe, is that why you were in the garage when that happened?- but can we get back to the whole “leaving the eldritch entity” thing?”
“Ah, yes. I understand it may seem unbelievable, but you are in a relationship with someone who did the same long before me.”
“A what?” “That was different! He kept me in his void for five fucking years and only let me out after he made you to replace me!”
“Our situations are very different. For one, I did not charge into his domain and demand a fight to leave like a moron.” “Fuck off.” “And additionally, he is much weaker thanks to your recent efforts to debilitate him. I simply left the sinking ship that he was stuck on.”
“If you stopped working with him, then why do you keep harassing us?”
“Because I absolutely despise you two.”
“What?!” “What did we do to you?”
"To be fair, you two aren’t the most… considerate people in the world."
“That’s true, and the fact that everything this headless buffoon does is the most infuriating thing in the world.”
Regect stuck his tongue out at Red for that comment.
“…Okay, I can’t disagree with you on that.” “Ze?!” “But what did I do to you?”
“You keep killing everything I send to you two. Do you know how much it hurts to watch my children die?”
“Oh. …Oh.”
Ze didn’t know what to say. Sure, he had killed the monsters, but he thought the mindless beasts were just a threat to him and his friends, sent by the demon that plagued his brain. He never once considered
"Ze, she’s kidding." Moe interrupted his train of thought, and Ze looked up to see the shapes that composed the painting that was Red’s face were shaped like a smile.
“You asshole! You made me think that you cared about those things I killed!”
“I mean, of course I care about them. But I only hate you professionally; it’s my job to ruin your life.”
“I thought you quit?”
“Oh, I never said that. I’m merely keeping up an illusion that I still serve his bidding until we find a more permanent solution to the issue.”
"She’s actually had a lot of interesting ideas on how to stop him."
“Really? Why don’t you spill the beans?”
Red pointed to the waiter, who was rapidly approaching with the second round of breadsticks, and whispered, “After we eat.”
Each of them ordered their entrée. Regect got the fish tacos, Red got a crab cake, Moe ordered a scallop carbonara, and Ze ordered the fish and chips. Ze couldn’t eat because he was disgusted on how both of the entities tore into their dish with their claws and ate them by the handful. The two made the mess all over the table, which Moe seemed unbothered by. Ze knows he shouldn’t care, especially considering he’s used to Regect doing the same thing, but seeing someone else do the same ruined his appetite.
“I think,” he managed to get out, “we should have that conversation some other time.”
“You sure? I was actually starting to like this guy.” Regect spoke with his mouth full, sputtering corn & pineapple salsa onto Ze’s fries.
“You never know who could be listening…”
“Smart. I’ve managed to protect us from it intruding on our position,” Red muttered as they licked their claws clean of crab “but I’m sure your base of operations would have much fewer prying eyes.”
"Oh, does that mean you’ll be coming home with us, Red?"
“I am willing to do so, but I do not need to stay the night if it would intrude.”
“Nah, my bed’s usually empty. I spend most of my nights cuddling with Ze, so you can push it next to Moe’s bed and get comfortable, if you’d like.”
Well, that’s true, but Ze still felt embarrassed hearing him so casually bring it up. Besides, the way he described it, it was almost like…
“I have your check, sirs and madams.” The waiter interrupted another train of thought that Ze decided to repress a little further. “Will you be taking any of this to-go?”
Ze looked at his meal covered in the remains of everyone but Moe’s food and decided what he needed to do. “Yeah, actually, get me a box.”
“Of course, sir.” He took the plate from Ze and left. After a few minutes, he returned with the check and food in a plastic box.
“Holy shit, guys, $400?! What did you order that costs –“
Regect had gotten his hands on several bottles of wine and was chugging them to the cheers of Moe. Red clearly both thought it was horrifying yet enamoring.
“Oh, hey, Ze! Ready to bounce?”
“What the fuck, Regect?! Do you know how much this shit costs?!”
“No, and I don’t want to know. Moe, you and Red ready?” Ready! “Ready.” “Oh, goddamnit. We took the car here, idi-“
And the four of them were teleported out of the restaurant and onto the front porch of their home.
“See, Ze, nothing to worry about.”
“We’re banned from that restaurant again, aren’t we?”