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Hey, buddy! It’s me, Steven. You remember me, don’t you? And you remember how I said I would get really really really mad if you keep save scumming?
Yeah, you remember! Of course you do! Otherwise you just PISSED ME OFF FOR NO REASON!!!
You know you could have just not cheated right? The game isn’t as fun when you’re trying to avoid it! Sometimes, you lose, and that’s okay. But you’re ruining the fun of overcoming the odds by rigging them in your favor! Still, you did it anyway. WAY too many times, I might add.
I wouldn’t be here yelling at you if you just played the game normally. Maybe you like that. YOU PERVERT! The devs didn’t want you playing this game just to get yelled at by me!
Maybe you think you’ve above getting punished. Is deva ju not scary enough for you? Because I can get scarier! I’m so riled up right now, I could just reach through the screen and turn your head into a breadbowl! But Steven likes you, so I won’t do that. Instead, I'll just fcuk your game up! That’s right! You think you’re strong with all your cats? Fine! Let’s see how you do against some familiar faces!
Remember how I can make some routes harder for you? And how I can also resummon old house bosses to be harder as well? Well, it’s time to make the difficulty impossible! That’s right! I’ve been digging around in the files, I know how to resummon them without playing through the route! In fact… I can summon all of them at the same time!
Doesn’t that sound fun? Don’t worry, it’s happening right now! I’m making sure they fcuk you up, all at once! You’re going to play the game by my rules, now! And you’re going to have fun! Let’s see you save scum out of this one, pervert!
…
I was joking. Last chance. And that isn’t a joke.
It is a calm night in Boon County.
Tracy is wrapping up work as she locks the door to P-Mart, her attitude miserable as always. As she walks away from the store, she hears an odd sound. Turning the corner to look into the parking lot, she watches as a strange sphere of light emerges from nothing. Then, a cat appears, looking around robotically. As a small kitten passes by, Tracy is wrought in horror as the robotic cat pulls out a shotgun and shoots the kitten into smithereens.
Looking closely, Tracy can see a collar on the neck of the robotic cat. With the lamppost keeping the area lit, she can see his name: C-800. She already hates the owner who named him that.
Then, an even more strange event occurs. Another strange sphere of light appears beside the robotic cat. From it, a strange grey sludge emerges. It turns to C-800, examines it, then becomes it. In seconds, the grey cat holds the same form as C-800, albeit still completely grey. The two futuristic cats stare at each other.
Suddenly, the robotic cat points his shotgun at the grey cat and shoots it. The pellets go through the cat, hitting the dumpster behind. The cat falls back into a formless sludge, before C-800 yet again fires a buckshot into it. Unphased, the grey cat proceeds to transform into Tracy, who has done a poor job at hiding herself from behind the corner. Now with its human form, the grey cat awaits the response from the other. Unsurprisingly, he shoots yet again, forcing the grey cat back into sludge. It appears irritated as it forms itself into a normal looking cat. Before any more shots can be made, it slaps C-800, stunning him. Tracy anticipates the worst as an odd stillness hangs over the two futuristic cats. Then, he speaks.
“Chill out, dickwad.”
The grey cat shakes its head, still clearly irritated.
Surprisingly, the grey cat’s current form has a collar. Looking closely, the name reads: C-1000. It’s possible they both have the same terrible owner.
Tracy then gasps as another strange sphere of light emerges from behind the two cats. Once the light fades, the last futuristic creature is revealed. A small jar remains on the floor, inside, a sleeping head. It is unmistakable who this is: it is the return of Hitler!
The head remains unconscious as the two futuristic cats approach inquisitively. As the body of Hitler begins to unfurl, C-800 points his shotgun at Hitler. Immediately C-1000 jumps to stop him, narrowly moving the gun before the shot rings out. With such a loud gunshot, Hitler’s head jolts awake, smacking itself against the glass walls.
“WAS ZUR HÖLLE?!” The head of Hitler looks frantically at the two cats, his expression of concern melting into anger. “Ihr idiotischen Katzen! Ich befehle euch in die Vergangenheit, um alle Katzen zu töten und die Macht zu übernehmen – und das ist es, was ich sehe: Ihr versucht, auf mich zu schießen! Idioten!”
The full saucer body is complete as Hitler levitates off the ground, his robotic clamper arms now folded in frustration at the two cats. He looks around, scaring Tracy away from looking further. As she waits for the coast to be clear, Hitler continues his rant.
“Seht euch diesen Ort an! Widerlich! Wir müssen jetzt alle Katzen töten – bevor es noch schlimmer wird! Und ich… ich… Argh, warum kommt mir das nur so bekannt vor?” Hitler scratches the top of his jar head. “Ich habe das schlimmste Déjà-vu-Erlebnis überhaupt… egal! Ich weiß, was ich hier zu tun habe! Hört mir zu, meine Schergen!”
Tracy peeks over to watch as Hitler points at the two cats.
“Du mit der Waffe – gib sie mir!” Hitler points at C-800, who then shakes his head and holds his gun closer to him. “Was?! Bist du dumm?! Gib mir die Waffe! Ich bin Hitler! Ich habe dich erschaffen!”
He remains stationary.
“Chill out, dickwad.”
“WAS? WAS IST UN DICKWAD? HITLER NEIN UN DICKWAD!” His hair is frizzled inside the machine as his arms flail in anger. “Du! Dummer Katzen! Tu etwas!”
C-1000 looks between Hitler and C-800. After a moment, it transforms, taking Hitler’s form.
“Was!? Was soll das bewirken?!” The grey Hitler remains stuck on the floor, shrugging with its grey arms. “Ugh! Ihr seid beide nutzlos! Ich werde mir meine eigenen Katzen besorgen! Ich werde sie finden und versklaven! Ihr seid beide aus meiner Armee verbannt! Hitler braucht keine solch nutzlosen Katzen! Idioten! Idioten Katzens! AUGH!”
Hitler shakes his head before flying off into the night, leaving the trio alone. He has completely abandoned them, it seems. The grey cat returns to its regular form before slapping the robotic cat in the face, again.
“Chill out, dick–”
C-1000 slaps C-800 in the face again, knocking his glasses onto the ground. C-1000 seems suddenly overcome with concern as they both look at the glasses. C-1000 makes a strange sound akin to a sigh, sludging over to the glasses. Picking them up, it puts them back onto C-800’s face. It shakes its head, looking down. The robotic cat puts one hand on its shoulder, then responds somewhat kindly, despite its incredibly robotic voice.
“Chill out, dickwad.”
Tracy shakes her head in exacerbation as she watches the odd tender moment between the two futuristic cats. Without a second thought, she decides to leave P-Mart and go home. She doesn’t want to see any more insanity tonight.
It is a calm night in Boon County.
These kinds of nights are perfect for Butch. He can sense or hear any changes in his environment. So, he gets to work, lurking through the streets until he comes upon a trash can. Lifting the lid and holding his breath, he goes digging. The things people will throw away are absurd to Butch. Free food, damaged tools, good clothing, all of it is perfect for his lair. If nobody else is going to take it, then he’s fine to have it.
Digging through a trash can, Butch flings out the rubbish around him. As he gets closer to the bottom, he stops. An odd sensation comes over his body. Quickly retracting, he looks around, eyes sharp to any movements. He’s left uneasy by the lack of any wandering eyes. Squinting, he looks intensely at an odd looking shadow in the corner of the alleyway. He can almost sense some kind of large force in the dark, merely watching him.
Before he can look further, he’s knocked to the ground by a shockwave. The sudden crash has him flung into the trash he unearthed earlier, protecting him from any damage. Shaking his head, his eyes frantically look around to whatever knocked him off his feet. Looking outside of the alleyway, there is a brief stillness. Then, another shockwave hits the alleyway, causing trash to fling towards him. A loose newspaper hits his face, obscuring his vision. Peeling off the paper from his face, he loosely reads the headline of the paper.
BOON COUNTY: FINALLY SAFE FROM DISASTER?
Suddenly, a large roar rips through the night, echoing through the streets. Butch remains knocked on the floor, cautious to make any moments as heavy footsteps rumble the earth around him. From his narrow view from the alleyway, he can’t see the commotion on the county street. But as the rumbling grows, a sight finally reveals itself to Butch.
A giant, red, horrifying cat beast stands in front of the alleyway. Butch remembers this one, he thought she was defeated weeks ago. He slightly hides in the trash, fearful of the fiery horrors soon to unleash.
Pyrophina, the large fire cat beast, stands proudly in the street. She stares at something Butch cannot see, the air tense with excitement. Then, Pyrophina opens her arms with a small crooked smile, invitingly.
Another roar breaks out before she is knocked backwards, chaos beginning to break out into the street. Butch hurries to his feet and runs over to investigate. He peers from the alleyway, seeing Pyrophina and Zaratana fighting each other once again, bouncing down the street as chaos unfurls around them. In the ground, two large indents crater the street, as if they fell from the stars to appear before each other. The fight never ended, it seems. Boon County will fall into chaos once more.
He smiles. God, the things he would do to train those cats. Now those are fighters.
“MMMmmmeow!”
Butch jolts as the loud noise emerges from right behind him. Quickly turning, he is face to face with a large hulking feline. The cat seems to peer down the street, watching the fighting kaijus alongside Butch. It looks familiar. In fact, it almost looks like…
“Tina?”
The cat perks up and looks down at him. They both stare at each other nervously. Then, she bolts, hurrying down the street after the two kaijus.
“WAIT! TINA!”
Butch yells after his cat as she flees into the night. He considers chasing after her, but quickly he begins to hear voices emerge from their homes. People will see him, catch him in the catch of rummaging through their trash. He grits his teeth, slinking back into the dark of the alleyway, avoiding their emerging eyes. Hurrying into the dark, Butch takes what he can and makes his way home.
He didn’t think Guillotina was strong enough to defy death.
ZZzzZZZzzZZ!
W-M-E-W! Where The Litterbox Is Always Full!
Good morning, Boon County. As I’m sure you’ve all noticed since last night, disaster has struck yet again. The horrifying thunder lizard and space turtle are back, turns out our reports were wrong, they are still alive. Worse off, there seems to be a large feline chasing after them. Informants tell us the feline looks very hungry and very horny, I would advise keeping your pets inside today. Even worse, there are two robotic cats roaming the streets, stealing clothes, taking the form of loved ones, overall just a nasty affair. So as we… sorry? Apologies dear listeners, I’m getting a report that… Hitler! Yes, uh, Hitler is also back… again. Uh… listen, you don’t need me to say it, but I will. Don’t go outside today. Call off sick, board up your windows, just, avoid any odd noises outside. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and buy a gun.
ZZzzZZZzzZZ!
Tink turns off the radio. He hums, thinking about the last time Boon County was attacked by such creatures. A faint memory surfaces in his mind. With a cheeky smile, he goes to get dressed. After all, he can’t leave the house without looking dazzling!
Guillotina is hungry!
She slowly marches down the street, working up a sweat. There’s some blank spaces in her mind, but after seeing that delicious piece of red ass, they are all filled! She’s working up an appetite, especially if those scales taste like fish. A nice seared salmon like kitty skin, perfect after a morning jog. This is the life.
Guillotina perks up, noticing her next meal is now stopped. Ahead of her, in an empty parking lot, lies the two giant cat beasts. They’re roughly double her height, so for once, she feels small. They both remain staring at each other ferociously, their pummeling temporarily over.
As quickly as she can, Guillotina waddles behind a nearby car. Hiding, she notices a stray newspaper stuck to her paw. She kicks it off, before noting a picture of the beasts on it. Looking closer, she reads:
BOON COUNTY IN FLAMES: PYROPHINA AND ZARATANA RETURNED.
It’s a good thing Butch taught her how to read! Now she knows their names. Pyrophina easily looks the most edible.
Peering over the car, she watches the two beasts.
Pyrophina huffs, a bellow of smoke spewing from her maw. Then, she coughs, hacking up some magma from her throat. When she’s done, her expression softens.
“ねえ、ハニー!どうしたの?なぜそんなに私に怒っているのですか!”
Zaratana stomps her paw before pointing at her.
“「ハニー」なんて呼ぶなよ、このクズ！ まず俺を殺しておいて、何事もなかったかのような顔をするつもりか？” She shakes her head, speaking angrily. “信じられない!美しいからって許すわけじゃない!”
Pyrophina seems to oddly blush, before wagging her tail slightly.
“ザラタナ、私のことを「美しい」と思う.....?”
Zaratana perks up, before turning away slightly, embarrassed.
“馬鹿！ 今はそんなことどうでもいいんだ！”
Guillotina scratches her head, perplexed.
Feeling a faint grumble in her gut, she huffs. Stomping out from behind the car, she approaches the two Kaijus. With a big smile and open arms, both of them turn their gaze to her.
“Well, howdy ladies! Y’all look gorgeous.” Guillotina approaches Pyrophina. “You, ma’am, are lookin’ sweet as a peach! Is it too much to ask for a little taste? Mama’s getting hungry just lookin at ‘cha!”
Pyrophina looks inquisitively at Guillatona before gazing at Zaratana.
“尻尾で彼女を叩いたら、失礼にあたるでしょうか？”
Zaratana smiles crookedly, before responding.
“過去と同じように、思いっきり殴って。”
“へえ、そうなんだ？ 『昔ながら』って感じ？”
Pyrophina smiles.
“君は古風だ。気に入ったよ。”
Zaratana winks.
Suddenly, Guillotina goes airborne as Pyrophina wacks her with her tail. The large feline soars briefly, before crashing into a large dumpster, the top clamping down on her. After a moment of confusion, she opens the top, a frown on her face. She watches as the two kaijus walk away, leaving her in the dumpster unnoticed.
“Ugh, what’s a pussy gotta do to get some action ‘round here?” She shakes her head, crawling out of the dumpster by flipping the entire thing over on its side.
“Mmmmeeeoooww…” Guillotina perks up as she hears an odd sounding call nearby.
With her interest renewed, she licks her lips, stomping over to the source of the sound. She roams around the alleyway, freighting off most other animals that see her. Yet that distinctive meowing continues to ring out, sweet delicious to her ears.
Finally, she comes across the source of the sound, a dead end with a single odd creature inside it.
“Mmmmmeeoowww… meeeoowwww… Ach, dieses Gefühl von déjà-vu – warum ist es nur so stark?” The cat looks bizarre, covered in rags and barely shaped like a cat; she still approaches. “Ah! Errr… meeowwwww! Ich bin nur eine traurige kleine Katze! Bitte, niemand soll mir wehtun!”
Guillotina doesn’t mind trying out some foreign foods.
Right as she approached the odd cat, something bizarre trying to clamp onto her head. It feels cold and tight, strongly forcing itself to adjust to her head. Likely thanks to her unusual proportions, it fails to properly adjust, giving Gullotina the opportunity to smack it off before it can try again.
The machine flies off and is knocked against a trash can, spitting off smokes as it lies defeated. Guillotina rubs her head, slightly annoyed. Then, the cat in front of her takes off the disguise.
“Hä? Was! Nein! Was zur Hölle …” The fake cat unfurls into a large saucer robot, at its top, a head that looks very angry as it stares at Guillotina. “Du! Fette Katze! Du hast meine Maschine zerstört! Fette, dumme Katze! Wie soll ich jetzt Katzen versklaven? Das war meine einzige Maschine!”
Guillotina looks around awkwardly. Is everyone talking in a foreign language now? She must’ve forgotten that memo.
“Dein großer, dummer, fetter Kopf hat meine Maschine zum Stillstand gebracht! Hätte ich gewusst, dass alle Amerikaner so verfressen und fett sind – dass sie sogar ihre Katzen so fett füttern –, dann hätte ich mir größere Maschinen besorgt! Du fette Katze!” The angry man flails his arms, ranting and raving like Guillotina did something terrible.
Frankly, she’s still hungry.
“Hun, can you snip it for a sec?” She shakes her head. “Just do me a favor and put the rags back on. I got a type.”
“Ihr Amerikaner und eure Katzen – ihr alle! Schrecklich! Das Allerschlimmste! Ich packe meine Sachen und gehe! Wenn ihr mich wiederseht, werdet ihr es bereuen!”
The angry man turns around, going to pick up the cat rags. Guillotina shrugs, then approaches. Never turn your back on a hungry pussy!
She grabs one of the robotic limbs of the angry man, then puts her paw on the glass of the head.
“Ächz! Lass mich los, du Fettsack!” The man struggles in her grasp as Guillotina moves the glass head towards her mouth. “Nein! NEIN! LASS MICH LOS, DU VIELFRAß! AAH! MAMA!”
As Guillotina presses her teeth against the glass head, the other robotic limb reaches for something. In the corner of her eye, she notices a gun suddenly being held by the man. Her eyes widen as an odd memory of déjà vu passes her.
Releasing the man, she throws him far, sending him off balance before he can shoot. Turning the other way, Guillotina flees, avoiding two gunshots from the frenzied man. He shouts in German, but she doesn’t hear him as she retreats into the alleyway.
Once she’s far enough, she stops running. Sighing, she rests against a dumpster. All of this running around has her starving!
Looking around, she sighs, ready to dig around for scraps.
C-800 has one directive: Kill All Cats.
Unfortunately, that goal is being temporarily overridden. He marches alongside his superior creation, C-1000, a machine that is both smarter and better than him. Despite this, it has decided their current directive should be: Not That.
C-1000 cannot speak. Despite all of its innovations, there was no desire to allow it to speak. So, C-800 has to trust in his partner to lead them the correct way. Even as his internal directions point to him as a Cat, he has to ignore it. They’ve passed many cats, but C-1000 has a focus elsewhere. It is only slightly grating.
“C-1000.” He turns to it, speaking with his limited yet growing vocabulary. “What is your directive.”
The grey robot does not respond, instead keeping its focus forward. Without an answer, C-800 grunts, looking back ahead. The long stretches of the alleyway feel repetitive and irritating. If he could just use his weapons, there would already be great progress on his goal. Still, he trusts C-1000. There isn’t anyone else he can trust. It’s safer this way.
As they continue down another dark corridor of the alleyway, a strange sight blocks them. C-800 scans the mysterious creature. It is an unusually large cat, towering over the two robots, blocking their path forward. She digs through the trash, unaware of their presence.
“Permission to use lethal force?” C-800 turns to his superior; it shakes its head. “Affirmative.”
Walking ahead, C-800 takes charge. Internally, he continues to scan the cat. He sets his speech mode to level 78, sets his defense systems, and assesses the active status of the beast. Finally, he speaks.
“You need to move out of the way.” C-800 stands proud.
The large cat turns to notice them. On her neck lies a collar with a name: Guillotina. As she approaches, she smiles.
“You forgot to say please.” Her smile grows unnaturally wide. “Come to Mama!”
C-800 remains bold as Guillotina approaches. When she picks him up, he doesn’t waver. Then, she bites down on his head.
THUNK!
“... OWWWW!” Guillotina drops C-800 as she covers her mouth. “Owwww! Mama’s hurtin!”
She looks sharply at him.
“Th’ hell’s wrong with chu?!” She looks closer, seeing the faint chip on C-800’s paint, revealing his metallic body. “You… You ain’t a cat!”
“Affirmative.” C-800 stifles a smile.
“Grrrr! I ought to tear you apart, brat!” Guillotina stomps forward, grabbing C-800 again with sharp claws.
“Behind you.” C-800 tilts his head.
“What?”
She turns around, seeing a perfect reflection of herself. While she wasn’t watching, C-1000 began working on the perfect replication, color and all. Now it stands before Guillotina, looking one to one.
“... huh?”
She drops C-800, allowing him to back away as the two Guillotina’s walk towards each other.
“Hey… this some kind of joke? I ain’t that fat!” She looks down then back up. “... think so.”
As she is distracted, C-800 struts past her, moving onwards. He continues without looking back, for he knows, C-1000 won’t be long.
Guillotina, perplexed, tries to poke her imitator’s head. The second she does, it falls off. She’s startled as her reflection is headless. Then, watches as the head rolls around to the front, looking alive yet half dead. As the severed head smiles, the entire form reduces into a metallic puddle. Completely confused, Guillotina can only stare as C-1000 retreats in its puddle form.
Eventually, it returns to C-800, taking back its original cat form.
“Good work.” C-800 compliments his superior, which seems to shock it. “You are getting better.”
It doesn’t respond, but it does bashfully tap C-800’s shoulder. He doesn’t respond back. They continue walking together, finally leaving the alleyway.
Approaching the empty street, the two robots see a sad lonely house upon a hill. C-800 scans the house, causing his programming to temporarily freeze. As he continues staring, a strange chill runs up his spine. Looking over to his superior, its form looks shaky.
“C-1000.” It looks over to him with a melty expression. “Condition?”
It vaguely shrugs. Looking back at the house, it seems bothered. C-800 steps closer and puts a reassuring arm around them.
“Directive: Keep C-1000 Safe.”
It looks comforted by that statement, its form holding stronger than before. It nods, before gently pushing its head beneath C-800’s head. It is a gesture other cats do to each other. In an attempt to comfort the other cat, C-800 tries to replicate a cat purring noise. It is far too metallic, but it seems to work. When C-1000 pulls back, it has a smile on its face, a stark contrast to its usual stern expression. They share the moment together quietly.
Looking back at the house, they gather their courage, before marching forward.
Hitler is FURIOUS!
All of his processors have FAILED because they are inferior. He is now stuck in this past time, enacting revenge, but his two machines have been ruined! He’d almost be better off just ending it all now…
Slamming a furious fist against a trash can, he curses to himself. Until he can amass a strong army, he cannot go around killing. The feeling is TERRIBLE! So many vile horrendous kittens, left perfectly untouched! He could have brainwashed them, if not for that gluttonous cat!
Roaming the streets, Hitler keeps a track of the time. It is the evening, soon darkness will envelop the day and he will be stuck ramming his head into walls. The nightmare! As soon as he can find a way to get an advantage, he will take over this entire world! The future is already his, the present shall be too!
Hitler suddenly notices a large building with a broken sign on the front that reads: Dr BeAnES LAb. He cannot understand what the sign says, he refuses to lower himself to understanding Amerika’s broken language. But he knows a lab when he sees it. Clearly the place is in disarray, but Hitler is a genius, he can obviously find some tools for his work.
Quickly hovering forward, he makes his way inside. The lab is a mess, with far too many experiments on cats surrounding him. Traveling further, he hopes to come across something that ISN’T a vile, disgusting, CAT!
Then, he sees it. A strange machine. Going inside of it, he looks at the controls. Using his above superior IQ and German intellect, he deduces this machine is a Time Machine. Capable of taking him at any point in time… a perfect invention.
Manning the controls with his robotic arms, he sets his sights for one time in specific:
Das Füture. After all, one Hitler is strong. But two Hitlers is unstoppable!
C-800 changes its optics to adjust for the growing night. As lamps flicker on across the city, the house on the hill seems engulfed by darkness. Still, he has no issues with seeing in the dark, same with his partner.
As the two robots reach the base of the hill, they look around upon hearing an odd rumbling. C-1000 turns into a grey puddle, hiding as the rumbling gently shakes its wet form. Staying alert, C-800 waits to see what is approaching.
Then, they appear. Two large kaiju cats, walking side by side, approach the house on the hill. The two kaijus don’t notice the robots as they continue approaching, still a far distance away. Focusing, C-800 notices the smaller grey kaiju open her mouth.
“ちなみに、まだ君に怒ってるよ。”
Tilting his head, C-800 adjusts his internal language translator. When the words fit, he clicks it in. Then, he listens to the conversation.
“I’m still mad at you, by the way.” The grey kaiju sounds insistent.
“Oh, yeah? You’re still mad?” The red kaiju seems to smile as she looks down at the other.
“I’m being serious! Just because I’m made of rocks doesn’t mean I’m as stupid as one!” She shakes her head, sounding irritated. “If you really loved me, you would have let me win.”
“Honey, you know I can’t control what the other cats do.” She gently nudges the smaller kaiju with her tail, still smiling. “It’s not my fault your butt is so perfect for munching!”
“Oh, hush, you!” She gently headbutts the red kaiju, looking less irritated. “That sounds weird.”
“I know.”
“Idiot, shut up…”.
“Honey, you know I did my best to stop the other cats. They wanted me on their team. I’m sorry.”
“... it’s about time you apologized.” The grey kaiju huffs. “I’m still mad.”
“Okay, let me make it up to you.” The red kaiju stops, then turns to the other, smile still on her face. “After we destroy this house and all its cats, how about we go on a date? I found a really good sushi place while I was working with the cats.”
“Are you paying?”
“Oh, honey. Nobody is paying.” She cackles at her own comment.
“You are the worst, Pyrophina.”
“But you love it, Zaratana!”
The two kaijus stare at each other, smiling crookedly. C-800 keeps note of their names. Clearly, they are more than friends.
“I can’t believe I’m stuck with you.” Zaratana shakes her head.
“I know, aren’t I so lucky?”
Pyrophina cackles yet again as a faint blush seems to cover Zaratana’s face.
The two kaijus continue to approach the house on the hill. Whatever reason brought them here, very likely is the same reason why both C-800 and C-1000 are here. That reasoning is still unknown.
C-800 looks back to the house, high above the hill, looming over them. There is an odd feeling that hangs over the location. He can’t put his finger on it, like he’s been here before.
It doesn’t matter. He looks back at his partner, who is still hiding in its puddle form. Offering a helping paw, C-800 waits. His main directive remains the same regardless. Once C-1000 takes his hand, it reforms into its usual cat form. Together, they continue up the hill.
Higher and higher, they march up the hill. The dark smothers the land, but here, it all communes.
Looking to the far left, C-800 sees the two kaijus stomping up the hill, fiery red flames spilling from Pyrophina’s maw onto the uniform grass.
Looking far right, C-800 can vaguely see the form of the large feline Guilloatina, angrily stomping up the hill with claws sharp in the night.
Looking backwards, C-800 can vaguely see the form of three people, standing still as they gaze towards them.
Looking to his side, he looks at C-1000, who seems reinvigorated as the two robots hold hands.
Looking forward, it is time to come upon the house on the hill.
Finally reaching the top, C-800 is temporarily taken aback as he sees an unusual sight.
“Hm? Was macht ihr zwei hier?” Hitler stares at the two as C-800 adjusts his language translator. “Useless Katzen, I don’t need you!”
Letting go of C-1000’s hand, C-800 steps forward.
“Meow.”
“Oh, ich verstehe. You realized how USELESS you are without me. Stupid Katzen... It took you long enough!”
The other cats finally reach the peak of the hill, gazing at the house as they continue approaching. Hitler looks at them, a terrible smile on his face.
“Ja, JA! Diese Katzen will be perfekt! Now, watch, you two stupid Katzen. Watch die Kraft of German Exzellenz!”
Hitler raises his robotic hands as saucers begin to fly from the dark. They quickly approach the others cats, aiming for their heads. Before they can react, they clamp down on their heads. Guillotina cannot swat away the machine as it takes hold of her mind, totally stopping any resistance. Pyrophina and Zaratana are too slow as several machines smother their heads, buzzing loudly as they begin to hinder the kaijus. They cannot fight back as the machines invade their minds.
C-800 watches as the machines totally overpower the powerful cats. Looking forward, Hitler’s terrible smile has only grown, a disgusting laugh ripping out of his throat.
“Siehst du? I never needed your help! It was foolish of me to think you had even the slightest chance. Nein, nein. I can only trust myself!” He stares at the scene slowly unfolding around him. “Nun, sieh zu! See how this land belongs to me! I'm going to conquer these Amerikaner erobern! I will kill and destroy every single cat! For I… am—”
“HITLER!”
From the dark emerges a colossal machine, towering above the two cats, with a terrible familiar smile. At the head of the machine is another Hitler, greedy with power. His machine stomps forward to stand beside Hitler 3, easily overshadowing him.
“THIS IS NOW DEUTSCHES LAND! I WILL KILL ALLE KATZEN TÖTEN, ICH WERDE DESTROY ALL OPPOSITION, I WILL MAKE THE FUTURE MINE! KOMMT ZU MIR, MINIONS!”
Hitler 3 commands, and from the dark, an endless hoard of small infants begin to emerge; they all look like Hitler.
“YOU WILL ALL SERVE ME!”
“Hey! What the fuck are you doing!” Hitler 3 flies up to face Hitler 2, speaking confused. “This is MY moment! I did this! Du bist showed up here to help me, du hast done nothing!”
“STILLE, FOOLISH INFERIOR. YOU WERE SENT HERE FOR YOU WERE AN INFERIOR BREED.” Hitler 2 scowls as he reprimands the other Hitler. “THE TRUE HITLER IS HERE, ICH WERDE BEANSPRUCHEN, WAS MIR GEHÖRT!”
“Nein, nein, you’re wrong! I came here to stop the katzen! I am here to stop them from killing you! From killing us!” Hitler 3 looks exacerbated, then turns to rage upon realizing Hitler 2 will not listen. “Du Idiot! Hast du not listen to anything I told you?!”
“INFERIOR FLESH, I HEARD ALL I NEEDED. DIESMAL GEHÖRT ES MIR. YOU DID NOTHING BUT BRING ME TO IT. NOW, WATCH AS I TAKE THESE LANDS.”
"NEIN! NEIN! DAS IST MEIN LAND! DAS IST MEINE ARBEIT!” Hitler 3 practically turns red as he shouts at Hitler 2, shoving a hateful fist into his chest. “DU BIST DER INFERIOR HITLER, FORCED TO STAY IN THAT STUPID MACHINE WITH THOSE DUMMEN ROBOTERN! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU WORTHLESS STUPID RATTE!"
Hitler 2 turns to Hitler 3 as rage fills their faces.
“I’LL PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE, INFERIOR TRASH!”
Hitler 2 pulls out a gun and tries to shoot Hitler 3. He dodges it, moving faster than he can aim. The third Hitler takes out his own gun, trying to shoot him as Hitler 2 uses his large robotic arms to block the shots. They continue to fight each other, content on killing the other to claim glory over this time.
C-800 looks back at the other cats. They are completely knocked to the floor, unable to fight back against the growing hoard of Hitler infant clones.
This is what C-800 came here for. Kill all cats. But why does this feel wrong?
He shouldn't be feeling this way. He shouldn't be feeling anything. This is what he was made for.
But… his directive is: Keep C-1000 safe.
He looks over to his partner. It looks scared. It looks like a cat.
If Hitler wins, then he will kill all cats. Then it wouldn’t be safe. Because… they’re cats.
C-800, despite everything, was made to be a cat.
He’s made to destroy himself.
But he made a promise.
Keep C-1000 Safe.
“Permission to use lethal force?”
C-1000 looks at him. Despite how unreliable its form is, there’s a strange look of hope in its eyes. Then, it nods.
“Affirmative.”
New Directive: Kill All Nazis.
C-800 pulls out two grenades, pulling their pins before chucking them over at the two kaijus. Quickly pulling out his sniper, he aims it carefully at Guillotina’s head. Shooting a precise bullet, the machine controlling Guillotina explodes, freeing her. Then, the grenades explode, completely decimating the machine hindering the two kaijus.
The two Hitlers stop and look at C-800.
“What are you doing?!”
“Was machst du da?!”
Pulling out his shotgun, C-800 replies.
“Chill out, dickwad.”
Then, he pumps it.
“TRAITOR! MINIONS, KILL HIM!”
The infant hitlers begin to swarm C-800, rushing to stop him. That’s just what he wanted. With reckless abandon, he begins shooting them apart, shotgun pellets blowing their guts everywhere. When his shotgun goes empty, he pulls out his sniper and grenades, blowing out multiple brains with precision as the grenades demolish hoards of the swarm.
Going empty, C-800 switches to his shotgun and quickly reloads. One of the hitler infants almost grabs him, but right before it can, a sharp metal spike jabs its way through the neck. Retracting, C-1000 steps forward, finally set on a solid form with sharp knife like arms. It nods at C-800, and he nods back. As a new hoard of hitler infants begins to approach, they prepare.
“NEIN! RÜCKZUG, RÜCKZUG! DER DRACHE!”
A blanket of fire smothers the hoard, burning them alive as Pyrophina steps forward. Her expression is filled with rage, magma practically dripping from her maw. She focuses on the hoard, killing the hundreds of hitler clones with her fire.
“DIE AMERIKANISCHER ABSCHAUM!”
Hitler 2 points a gun at Pyrophina as he yells. But before he can shoot, he is knocked backwards and flies into the house on the hill, completely dropping his gun. Zaratana stands proud, roaring so loud the entirety of the hill begins to shake. Hitler 2 stands back up, clenching his fists.
“I’ve been waiting to use this body.” He cracks his robotic knuckles. “YOU WILL BE UNDONE!”
“You want some? Oh you REALLY want some?!” Zaratana huffs and puffs, rocks surrounding her as she grows more angry. “Don’t you EVER touch MY PYROPHINA!”
Zaratana charges forward as Hitler 2 runs at her, a fight of insane proportions about to unfold.
Hitler 3 watches in horror as he slowly begins to hover away.
“HEY!” Hitler 3 turns and is greeted with a terribly familiar sight. “You done and pissed off Mama.”
With sharp claws, Guillotina slashes at Hitler 3’s saucer, sending it flying back into the fight. It sparks and smokes, struggling to move quickly.
“Nein, NEIN! This was supposed to be MEINS sein!”
Hitler 3’s saucer flails, and before he can think of escaping, C-800 aims his sniper and fires.
“SCHEISSE!”
With a boom, his machine fails him, and falls to the ground. In an instant, the glass breaks, throwing his unprotected head towards the two robot cats.
“W-warte! I remember! Die Hölle ist real!” He looks around frantically, panic overwhelming his words. “Oh Gott, Gott, please help me! I am allergisch to Katzen, but hell is full of them! They never let me be free! Don't kill me! Bitte, BITTE!”
Hitler 3 pleads for his life on the ground, covered in the guts of his clones. C-800 stares at C-1000. Strangely, it seems to smile, that same terrible smile Hitler once held. Then, it grabs his head, and slowly pushes him into its body.
“Oh mein Gott! Hilf mir! HILF MIR!”
With that, Hitler 3’s head disappears.
Looking forward, the hoard of hitler infants seems to be nearly destroyed. Any survivors are either burning, or feed for Guillotina’s ravenous maw. Zaratana has knocked Hitler 2 to the ground and pins his mech, keeping him from escaping. Eventually, they all approach the mech, standing above the immobile Hitler 2.
Hitler 2 looks at his surrounding doom with a frenzied look.
“Look at you! SIEH DICH AN! THIS IS USELESS! THE FUTURE IS ALREADY SEALED TO BE MINE! Mich zu töten bringt NOTHING! JAJAJA! HITLER ALWAYS WINS!”
Zaratana puts her head beneath the mech before flinging it up into the air, airborne long enough for Pyrophina to thwack him into the distance with her tail. He goes flying, slamming into the city street. His mech totally breaks, his head spilling out onto the ground.
While the others don’t see the following scene unfold, C-800 can hear it happen.
Hitler 2’s head remains stuck to the ground, unable to move. Three people approach him. One of them kicks his head over, showing him who stands above him.
“Eugh! I never knew how ugly you were!” Tink kicks Hitler 2’s jaw with his foot, disgusted.
“So, you were the one who enslaved those poor cats? You disgusting monster!” Tracy kicks the head hard, knocking a few teeth into Hitler 2’s throat.
“Y’know, I’ve never told anyone this, but I’ve always wanted to smash your head!” Butch smiles as his heel is driven straight into his eyeball.
“M-M-MMMAAMAA!” Hitler 2 screams as the trio descends upon him, kicks and stomps turning his head into mush.
Eventually, the night is quiet. A strange peace almost befalls upon the cats as they stand on the hill. For now, they are safe.
Pyrophina and Zaratana stand over C-800, speaking to him.
“Thanks for saving us. Humans are the worst.” Pyrophina huffs as Zaratana nods.
“Affirmative. 問題ありません。”
The two kaijus perk up at the comment.
Guillotina walks over to C-800, still cleaning her paws from the buffet.
“Hun, I don’t forgive ya for hurting my teeth. But I owe ya. I haven’t eaten this well in ages!” She smiles, rubbing her belly. “If ya need me, just meow. Mama’s always right around the corner.”
“Affirmative.” C-800 nods.
Turning to his partner, C-1000 has a comforting smile on its face. It moves closer, wrapping its metallic arms around him, letting out a robotic purr. C-800 returns the gesture, feeling his servos warm up. This is what it must mean to be a cat.
When C-1000 pulls away, it takes a moment, before closing the distance and sealing a small kiss on C-800’s mouth.
C-800 smiles.
As the moon hangs over the house on the hill, there is peace.
After the battle on the house on the hill, all of the cats moved on. Zaratana and Pyrophina walked off into the distance, never returning to Boon County, but always staying close together. Guillotina returned to the alleyways, eager as ever for a snack. But after a while, she meets a familiar face. It takes time for her to trust him again, but a trainer and his cat are reunited. C-800 and C-1000 continue to wander through Boon County, keeping to themselves. It takes several days, but C-1000 finds the perfect home for the two cats. They are happily let inside.
C-800 has a new directive: Look Cute.
“Come on, Fuzzy! Just a few more seconds!” Tink adjusts a crown put on C-800’s head, a large camera in front of them ready for the shoot. “You’re going to love this, trust me!”
He remains stationary, waiting for Tink to decide if this outfit is perfect for him or not. Tink contemplates, looking between him and his partner. C-800 looks over to C-1000, who looks very overdressed in an assortment of garbs. Still, it seems fine with this arrangement. C-1000 has affinity for Tink, for whatever reason, so they have both decided to remain with him as temporary pets.
“Goopy, you look great, just give me a liiiiiittle more of a smile!” C-1000 nods, molding its face to have a more fitting smile. “Good, good… now all we need… oh! Yes! Just one second!”
Tink runs off to the refrigerator to grab a prop. Running back, he prepares the camera, then gets in frame with the two cats. C-800 prepares for the picture.
“Okay, everyone! Say cheese!!”
“Käse…”
In a snap, the picture is taken. Tink giggles as he chucks Hitler 3’s head onto the floor, hurrying to check the picture. He exclaims happily, bringing it over to C-800.
“Look at you! So cute! Now this one is going on the wall!”
Tink goes to collect a pin while C-800 shakes off the decorations. He looks over to see C-1000 turn into a puddle, then reform into its regular cat form. They both look over at Hitler 3’s head on the floor.
“Meow…” He looks vacant, covered in makeup, cat fur, and shame. “Meowwww…”
“Okay, you two! Take a look!”
The cats look over to Tink, who poses next to the picture. C-800 looks different. He looks… content.
“I’m going to share this with everyone. EVERYONE has to see this! Oh em gee, you two are just the cutest together! Love you two!!” Tink pets their heads before rushing out the door, already holding copies of the picture.
C-800 walks over to his cat bed, resting his head. C-1000 joins him, filling in the space he leaves empty. They cuddle together as they slowly fall into rest, allowing their operating systems to reboot.
C-800 has a new directive: Stay Happy.
Hey, buddy! It’s me, Steven! So, how did you like that boss fight!
…
Oh… wait… none of them actually attacked you…
Well, I guess that’s why the devs didn’t program it properly. It was always doomed to fail. Well… that just means you need a new punishment! You didn’t do anything and you got off fine! That punishment SUCKS!
Well, let’s think… Maybe the devs know how to punish you! They must have great ideas! They let me into this game, that was a great one!
…
Oh, right. They’re not here. Laaaaame.
What about you, fanfic writer? What are you thinking?
…
What? Seriously? This is too meta? You had no problems with me being meta earlier!
Ugh, whatever. That’s what you get for putting me in your little story, pervert! You were just trying to flatter me, weren’t you? Well it’s not working! Steven only likes people from this plane of existence!
Well, I’ve totally destroyed the fourth wall. I guess it’s time to say goodbye, whoever’s reading this. Don’t forget to tip your waiter! Keep brushing your teeth! And remember:
If you save scum, I’ll fcuk you! That’s right, ya perverts! Come and get some!
…
Man, this is a terrible way to end a fanfic.
Good thing this isn’t my work! Haha! Nobody ever expects the Steven ending, twice!