Chapter Text
Kyle glances over at the extremely hung over Stan to make sure he’s not going to throw up all over him. Stan's arm is draped loosely over his shoulder and he tightens his grip on Stan when he throws the cup in his hand, the cheap beer painting the sidewalk.
“Kyleee” Stan slurs as Kyle drags them towards his car.
“Kyle, why would she do that to me?”Stan sobs, snot running down his face making him look even more pathetic as if that was even possible. His face is flushed and streaks of eyeliner run down his face, he’s clearly hammered and has been crying. Kyle huffs as Stan leans all of his weight on him, lamenting the fact he hadn’t even been able to get drunk himself.
Before coming to Clyde’s party they had pulled straws to decide who would be the designated driver and Kyle in all his luck had been the unlucky bastard. Though Kyle had a suspicion that the straws had been tampered with, he couldn’t prove the cackling fatass was behind it and so with the utmost grace he had accepted his role. He hadn’t been sulking no matter how much Kenny claimed he was.
Stan continued his drunken ramblings about how unfair it was of Wendy to say that to him.
Kyle had learned to tune him out when he got like this, it wasn’t worth trying to do anything because he knew damn well they would make up the very next day. Even though Stan was his best friend Kyle didn’t know why Wendy didn’t leave him already. Each time Kyle tried talking to Stan about his relationship Stan would shut him down with an “Shut up dude, you haven’t even been in a real relationship.” Which is true, but that didn’t make his input less important. One might argue that it made it even more valuable because he was unbiased.
The sound of vomit hitting the pavement snaps Kyle from his thoughts.
“Dude, fucking disgusting.” grumbled Kyle as he shouldered more of Stan’s weight so they could flee the scene of the crime faster.
Stan giggled and kicked at his own vomit, earning a gag from Kyle who continued pulling him away.
Once they finally reach Kyle’s car, he dumps an unconscious Stan on the hood of the car so he can grab his keys. As he unlocks the car and settles Stan into his seat he hears a familiar set of hollers and loudly groans.
He’s greeted by a wolf whistle from Kenny who’s leaning on Cartman who’s laughing as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.
“KYLE!” Kenny shouts as he staggers forward leaving a heaving Cartman behind.
Kyle barely has time to brace himself before Kenny throws himself at him. Kyle makes an ‘oof’ sound as he lands ass first onto the ground, Kenny maniacally cackling as he urges Cartman to come see.
Kyle opens his eyes to see he has an armful of Kenny and a snickering Cartman hovering above him.
“My, my, is this the star of our basketball team? No wonder this season's been so shit Kahl.” Cartman snickers as he gently kicks at Kenny’s shin.
“I know you’re not talking tubby.” Kenny pokes at Cartman’s stomach before Kyle can even process the insult. Cartman squeals indignantly and kicks harder, managing to kick Kenny off of Kyle.
Both of them are obviously drunk off their asses and they giggle and tussle on the floor like little kids.
Cartman pulls at Kenny's rat tail and Kenny lands a punch straight onto Cartman’s gut which causes him to fall over, dragging Kenny down with him.
Kenny pinned Cartman down, straddling his hips and holding his wrists down above his head, Cartman started worming his way out of Kenny's hold to no avail. They were both flushed and panting, faces too close- Kyle frowned, and stepped into break up the fight.
“Ok you two, we have to leave.” Kyle says as he lifts Kenny up by the hood of his parka. The old piece of clothing is disgusting with multiple stains and rips, they really should get him a new parka as a gift, but knowing Kenny it would probably be destroyed in a week.
“Whatever, Mom.” Kenny says as he dusts himself off, blowing a raspberry at Kyle and Kyle can’t help but roll his eyes affectionately at the childish act.
“Yeah Kahl, you got sand in your vagina or something?” Cartman says as he tries to get up from the pavement.
Correction, as he struggles to get up. Cartman had always been fat; along with his horrible personality that was one of his main defining traits.
Kyle remembers when in elementary school Cartman used to scream that he was not fat, just “big boned” and how all the kids used to snicker and poke fun at him for his weight. Sure it might not have been very ‘woke’ of Kyle (he prided himself in his progressive views) but he thinks anyone who met Cartman would agree that it was ok if it was him. Cartman was a fat, bigoted, narcissistic asshole who didn’t care who he had to use or abuse to get his way. Sure he had mellowed out since then, and he was usually tolerable to be around and sure did Kyle find himself laughing at his jokes and hanging out with him alone more often? Yes, but that didn’t mean anything!
He had voiced these frustrations to Stan only to be met with complete disregard for his perfectly reasonable concerns.
“Dude, I’m telling you he’s been too nice. He’s definitely planning something and if he’s been plotting this long it’s going to be huge when he finally does it! We have to find out what it is and stop it, I’ve made a list of everything it could be with what I’ve observed him doing these last few weeks and I think we could-”
“Kyle, are you fucking serious?”
“What?”
“Dude, you have to let it go, he’s not going to do anything.”
“YOU DON’T KNO-”
“YES I DO!” Stan sighed as he dropped his face into his palms.
“Kyle, why are you so obsessed with Cartman? If I didn’t know better I’d say you have a crush on him or some gay shit.”
Kyle let out a strangled noise at that and felt blood rush to his face in anger at his best friend's accusation.
“DUDE, EW! The last person in the world I would have a crush on is that fatass, he’s been nothing but horrible to me all of our lives.”
“He’s been pretty chill lately; he hasn’t been doing anything really bad honestly, the usual Cartman shit but we’re all assholes in some form or other. AND, didn’t he pay for your food when we last went out, when you didn’t have cash on you?”
“YEAH, just so he could steal my fries later.”Kyle tried arguing back, but it sounded weak even to him.
“Dude, just be cool. If he does anything, we’ll put him in his place like we always do.” Stan comforts him as he teasingly punches his arm.
Kyle laughed and shoved him back and it led to the two boys tussling on the floor like when they were kids. Kyle laughed as Stan croaked under him and dramatically played dead.
“T-tell.. My wife, I love her.” Stan wheezed as he clutched at his chest. He closed his eyes, stuck out his tongue, and went limp to really sell the act. Kyle couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculous display.
They ate junk food, played video games, until they passed out on the floor with tangled legs.
He’s snapped back to the present by obnoxious snapping of Cartman’s fingers.
“Hey asshole, are we going or not?”
“I can still leave your fatass here.” Kyle snaps back as he shoves past Cartman.
“Oh, how could you leave this cutie here alone?” Kenny coos as he cups Cartman's face and sways it.
“Kinnyyy stoppp.” Cartman whines, dragging out the syllables.
Yeah, they’re all drunk off their asses. Despite himself Kyle can’t help but snort at the ridiculous display.
“Come on, I still have a curfew of 1 AM.” Kyle says as he heads towards the driver's seat.
“I call dibs!” Cartman yells as he rushes to the car.
“HEY!” Kenny yells chasing after him.
In the end Cartman does get to sit in the front and Kenny is left next to a sprawled out Stan.
“I keep forgetting Stan is a snorer.” Kenny complains as Stan’s snores fill the silence.
“I’ll drop him off first just for you Ken.” Kyle laughs winking at him.
Kenny laughs and hugs Kyle from behind the seat. “Oh, I knew you had a heart, you cold Jersey bastard.”
Kyle immediately expects Cartman’s snide comments on that but is instead met with silence. He turns next to him to see Cartman pouting and glancing outside.
“Hey, you ok?” Kyle asks his brow furrowing in concern at the uncharacteristic silence.
Cartman grumbles something under his breath and pouts even hard, crossing his arms and pulling into himself.
Kyle laughs at the childish display.
“What’s wrong baby?” Kyle snickers as he looks to the back row to get Kenny to make fun of Cartman with him only to find Kenny passed out in the back too.
Cartman’s face turns even redder at this and Kyle’s left even more confused, but before he can say anything Cartman interrupts him.
“I saw you with Nichole at the party.”
Kyle is taken back by the comment and it makes him accidentally swerve out of lane. He quickly fixes it but not before wondering ‘what the fuck’?
“I- uh yeah, we were talking.”
“What were you even talking about; she didn’t need to be that close for just talking.” Cartman huffs as he looks intensely at Kyle.
“It’s none of your business, back off.” Kyle says as he frowns, he doesn’t understand where Cartman is trying to go with this but he doesn’t like it.
“No, she’s the one that should back off! I already told her not to go after you.” Cartman frowns.
“Oh my god dude, are you still on the ‘her and Tolkien belong together' thing? We’re just friends because YOU screwed up my chances with her.”
“Her and Tolkien don’t matter, she just doesn’t deserve you.” Cartman says as he traces patterns on the leather of the seat.
“Yeah, and who deserves me?” Kyle scoffs at Cartman, he doesn’t know why he’s even indulging in this conversation but he’s the only person to talk to right now.
“Me.” Cartman says as if it’s the most obvious answer, and glances at him with a look that Kyle can’t name but it makes him nervous regardless.
“Yeah, real funny Cartman.” Kyle says as he tries to shrug off the unease that gaze is causing.
“I’m not joking.” Cartman says with a serious tone and if Kyle didn’t know how good of liar Cartman was when he was trying to fuck with him Kyle might have believed him.
“I’m serious Kahl,” the Kahl was slurred more than usual due to his drunken state, “we would be like the power couple! Move over Tweek and Craig, we’d be the token gay couple.”
“Dude, I’m not even gay.” Kyle says as if that was the only problem with this entire delusion.
“Bi or whatever faggy thing you are, or I could dress like a girl for you if you really wanted Kahl. You’ve seen me in drag; I look good.” Cartman announced proudly, puffing up his chest.
“Are you gay, Cartman?” Kyle asked and it sounded stupid but he wanted to make sure before he assumed anything.
While they had all assumed Cartman was gay, he had never directly come out and said anything so they all had decided to not acknowledge it.
Cartman scoffed and looked at Kyle as if he was dumb, “Yeah no shit Sherlock. I don’t think I could have made it more obvious if I tried.”
“But just think about it, Kahl, we would be like so awesome. We’re like ying yang, you know? Everyone in school would be scared of us because we’d be too powerful. I can be the brains and you can be the brawns.” Cartman says as he sighs dreamily, clearly enjoying his daydream.
“I think I’d be both brains and brawn.” Kyle says laughing at how fast Cartman's face went red at that.
“Well, yeah, but I have the winning smile and charming personality.” Cartman flashes him a grin, recovering quickly, and Kyle bursts out laughing.
“Charming personality?” Kyle says between laughs.
Cartman nods excitedly and giggles, his face still flushed from the alcohol.
“We’d be like sexed up abusive lesbians.” Cartman gets out between giggles.
"Fuck no." Kyle scrunches his nose in distaste.
"Why not?"
"Cause you'd be doing all the abusing."
"Oh like what?"
"Just weird shit, you'd like... put a cigarette out on my neck and lick the burn mark." Kyle rubs his neck at the vivid imagery and he feels a shiver run down his spine at the thought.
"...so you want to try?"
"NO”, Kyle yells as his face burns red, he quickly adds before Cartman can say anything, “Also we’re dudes, idiot; I think the whole point of being lesbians is not being men."
“Semantics, Kahl.”
Kyle scoffs as he gets off the highway and into the small road leading into Tegridy Farms. “What makes you think I would ever want to date you, let alone,” Kyle scrunches his nose, “sleep with you?”
“Please Kyel, everyone wants a piece of my ass.” Cartman says proudly and gestures at his body.
“Who the hell would want your fatass Cartman?”
“EY!” Cartman yells in outrage and shoves Kyle.
“I’M DRIVING DUMBASS!”
“A lot of men want me,” Cartman proclaims proudly, “half of my mom’s clients ask for me too.”
Kyle freezes and glances nervously at Cartman. “What?”
“Yeah, they’re all weird freaks- wait shit- Kyle, KYLE WATCH OUT!” Cartman screeches as the car goes through a field of marjinua plants. Kyle grips the wheel and swerves back on to the road, panting from the stress.
“YOU DUMB FUCK!” Cartman screeches.
“ME? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WAS DISTRACTING ME!”
“Shit, ok look let’s just drop Stann off and ditch.”
The two boys draped their passed out friend's body across their shoulders and carried him across the farm, Kyle thanked God that Stan was so light or they would have been here all day. Cartman was drunk out of his mind to be of any use and it led to Kyle having to carry Cartman's weight on top of Stan’s. When Kyle said he could carry Stan by himself Cartman had thrown a fit saying he just wanted to be alone with his faggy boyfriend to which Kyle had punched him for.
Kyle didn’t understand how easily Cartman could go from genuine to an absolutely horrible person in the span of a second. All the way to the porch Cartman rambled off about how Kyle had a crush on Stan and how if he hadn’t come they would have made out and left Cartman and Kenny alone.
They settle into an awkward silence as they drag Stan up the stairs to his room, not wanting to wake up the residents of the house with their bickering.
Kyle tries not to think about what Cartman said in the car, he had probably been lying to make himself more desirable or some shit, but Kyle couldn’t stop the nasty feeling crawling on his back when he thought too hard about it. Cartman seemed to have completely forgotten what he said, however; so he just let it go.
They sit down at the bottom of the stairs resting after carrying Stan to his bedroom.
“We should have just dumped him onto the couch.”
“No dude, he’ll hurt his back.”
“Aw, did you want to kiss your faggy boyfriend good night too?” Cartman sneers as he gets up.
“What’s your deal dude? We’re not fucking gay and Stan has a girlfriend for God’s sake.” Kyle whisper-yells as to not wake anyone up.
“But if he didn’t have a girlfriend would you date him?” Cartman asks and Kyle swears he saw something vulnerable flash in his eyes.
“No, Cartman. Stan’s my best friend but he’s like my brother; you wouldn’t date Kenny, would you?” Kyle asks, trying to reason with Cartman.
Cartman hesitates and bites his lip. “I guess I wouldn’t.”
And in this light Kyle has the audacity to think of Cartman as cute. Kyle wishes he was drunk just so he could blame this on something else.
Cartman makes a show of stretching as he stands up and his shirt lifts a bit and oh my God.
The tiny stretch of stomach that falls out is enough to make Kyle wish he could bite down on it. It looked fat and soft with sparse hair and stretch marks and Kyle wanted.
Kyle wanted.
“The fuck are you looking at, Jew?”
Kyle snaps out of his thoughts and stares at Eric.
“I- what did you say?”
If it was possible Eric flushes even more and starts yelling.
“STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU CREEPY JEW!”
“I’m not looking at you! I must have just spaced out or some shit.”
Cartman scoffed as he kicked at the ground, “Whatever.”
Kyle trailed after Cartman as he headed towards the car, nervously fidgeting with his hand because what the fuck was that.
Why would he think like that, Kyle didn’t think like that, especially not for Eric Cartman of all people.
He stared at Cartman's back as he walked in front of him, and searched for some answers in his silhouette.
He was a teenage boy and he was no stranger to thoughts of attraction to people who he knew he’d never date.
He knew Tolkien was objectively hot and he saw the boyish appeal Stan had that made Wendy swoon but that's all that was; a healthy observation.
He wouldn’t date Tolkien or Stan, they were his bros and he wasn’t like gay.
But the way he felt about Cartman right now seemed different, it wasn’t in a he was like just appreciating another boys look but he was-
“You coming, Kyle?” Cartman called out from front of him, snapping him out of his thoughts once again.
Cartman had already reached the car and was leaning on the hood waiting for Kyle.
They still had Kenny to drop off and so Kyle took a deep breath as they got back into the car.