Chapter Text
283 Crown Street, New Haven. MONDAY 15TH AUGUST 1985.
I don’t want this. I definitely don’t need this.
I’m blown away by my own inability to follow the goddamn rules.
I’m here to work, keep my head down, earn a bit of money and get out of my house, that’s it.
There’s nothing else I need. Not from the world, not from my parents, and definitely not from the infuriatingly cute redhead that’s been into the store three times this week.
I can’t handle this right now.
There’s a sea of pretty girls coming in, day after day. We’re a bookstore in a college town and it’s mid August, so I should be numb to them by now, and I thought I was. I had built up my walls and let myself wither into the background.
Head down, earn the money, get out. That’s all I wanted.
The first time I saw her, it had startled me. Her bright blue eyes kicked the wind out of me and I stood frozen as she passed by. In the brief moment I took to gather myself, my asshole coworker practically sprinted to her aid. I couldn’t hear what she asked him for, I couldn’t press myself close enough to the stacks that he led her to.
She made him laugh, and while I didn’t hear what she had said, I was sure it was fucking hilarious.
She smiled at him gratefully, he handed her a piece of paper, she paid for a few books, and she left. I found myself annoyed. Frustrated. I didn’t need this.
I wore the disgruntled face, I kept to myself. I lived alone. I never interacted with anyone in a pathetic attempt to never feel this way ever again.
Why the hell was I wondering what her name was?
The second time I saw her, it was even worse. Now I knew for certain that she was real, and prettier than I remembered. I also now knew that she lived somewhere close by. Arriving on foot, in the middle of the day and needing books once again.
Medical texts, forensic volumes.
A million questions flooded my mind as I rang up her purchases, but I bit every single one of them back. I barely managed to ask her if she wanted a bag, afraid that my voice would falter.
She smiled kindly at me and I saw a gentle band of freckles across her nose. Her skin was pale, her hair copper and her lips rosy.
Goddammit, why was I thinking about her lips?!
As she left, I hoped and prayed that she wouldn’t return, if nothing else but to preserve the last measly scrap of dignity I brought to Connecticut with me.
But today, she returned a third time.
Her hair was pinned back and her dress flowed loosely from her petite frame.
Had she gotten prettier in the last two days? I felt ridiculous as I watched her enter through the glass door, my heart pounding, and I was grateful that she wasn’t looking my way as I stared. I quickly turned my back towards the shop floor and ran my hand nervously through my hair.
I wanted to scream. I could not afford to feel this way. I decided that I would let Luke serve her, take my fifteen, and then she’d be gone. How many more books could she possibly need?
‘Hey.’ A small voice broke through my planning.
I turned, though I already knew it would be a bad idea. I would recognise that voice anywhere.
‘Hi.’ I managed, hoping to sound impassive while my throat felt hot and dry.
‘I came in a few days ago. There was something I needed and it had to be ordered. Can I check if it’s in yet?’
I blinked, letting the longest sentence I’d ever heard from her register in my ears.
‘Uh, sure. What was the title?’
She handed me a crumpled piece of paper and I fought the urge to brush my fingers against hers. I took it carefully and turned it around to read the ticket.
‘Criminalistics: An Introduction to Forensic Science - Richard Saferstein'
And then underneath the title name, I saw Luke’s name and phone number scribbled down and a mix between amusement and jealousy boiled up inside me. I couldn’t blame him really, at least he had the guts to do something like that.
I handed the paper back to her meekly and turned to check through the waiting piles of new deliveries. It had been my job to unpack the new boxes and stack the shelves this morning, another thing I hadn’t managed to do.
As I unpacked the books from the first box and began rifling through, Luke breezed past and replaced me at the counter. I felt a swell of disappointment that was quickly taken over by relief. Now she wouldn’t be looking at me with those piercing eyes, I could hand her the book and slink back into the stock room unnoticed. My hands settled on the glossy cover and I took a steadying breath, mentally covering the object in a goodbye that I couldn’t give to her myself.
I spun past Luke and placed the book down onto the counter, fighting the urge to look up at her, but losing miserably.
Her eyes glued to mine instantly and I was stung by them. I swallowed around a dry lump in my throat and nodded to indicate that our interaction was over, although the rest of my body didn’t cooperate. I stood still with my hand down on the book that she needed. She had paid for it already, but I was holding it hostage, frozen in place like a fool.
‘Thanks, Mulder.’ Luke mumbled, indicating that he wanted me to piss off. So I did, with a nod.
‘So.. have you reconsidered my offer?’ I heard him say as I drifted through to the back, yanking at my apron, unable to listen to her reply.
Pushing the heavy back door open and stepping out in the harsh light of the afternoon, I suddenly understood why people smoked.
I needed something to do with my hands, and something to soothe the ache in my chest, preferably something that would do me some harm in the process. Yeah, a cigarette would probably be wonderful right now.
I leaned against the cool brick wall and closed my eyes. She wouldn’t come back again. She had her books now and classes start in just over a week. There were other bookstores in town.
But then, a darker thought pushed itself into my brain. If she did in fact call Luke, and they started dating, she might be around a lot more. I comforted myself with the knowledge that I could always quit. I could steam milk for strangers instead.
Suddenly, the loud rattle of the door I had escaped through pulled me back to reality.
‘Dude, cover for me, I’m going out.’ Luke called from the door. ‘An hour, tops.’
‘Where are you going?’ I shouted back with more desperation than I should have.
‘None of your business!’
The store was empty when I returned, her book and her eyes were gone, Luke with them.
I wouldn’t allow myself the self-pity my ill-formed brain was craving, so I turned my attention to the stack of books waiting for their assignments.
I could do this at least, books were easy.
But even as I began my normal routine of organising and labelling I found her presence lingering. The feeling frustrated me more than I cared to admit. She was still all around me, on my skin and on my fingertips where I brushed the small piece of paper as she handed it to me.
I needed this day to be over.
How dare I feel an ounce of jealousy over what she was doing right now? Where she had gone with him? How dare I feel owed a moment of her time? I sold her some books, for Christ sake. I didn’t even know her name.
It may be Sarah, or Jamie, or Melissa. It could be Betty, or Laura for all I knew.
It didn’t matter. She was gone, and I had a job. I had a future that demanded I don’t get too attached to this place.
YALE UNIVERSITY HALLS - WEDNESDAY 17TH AUGUST
He kind of pissed me off, if I thought about it. I know it shouldn’t matter, but common courtesy wasn’t much to expect, was it? I had been friendly, I had simply asked him for a book I had ordered, and his sullen face had barely even met mine as he grunted and turned to dig through a messy stack of boxes.
His friend had been even worse, slipping me his number and asking me out on a date mere moments after I met him. I politely declined and dreaded returning to pick up my ordered book.
When I did come back for it, I had been pleased to find him free of his leering friend at first, before I was treated to his less-than pleasant demeanour. It annoyed me that he had been so curt. So disinterested.
In reality, what annoyed me most was the fact that I was even thinking about him at all. He should be a faceless, nameless bookstore employee. A man that I met once, in such unimportant circumstances that he faded into my memory, his face only to be deployed as a background character in my dreams, the way that the brain recycles old faces you won’t need again.
And i definitely do not need his face ever again.
The fact that he even has a name in my head now annoys me.
‘Mulder.’ His pushy friend had called him. What kind of name is that? It must be a nickname, surely.
He was tall, much taller than me, though that wasn’t uncommon. He had dark, floppy hair framing his face, broad shoulders and a crappy attitude. He frustrated me, and that frustrated me. Why the hell was I even thinking about him?
I had less than a week before lectures began, and I barely had time to unpack and get through orientation, yet here I was, fuming over the behaviour of an anonymous bookstore guy. I would never have to see him again if I chose not to. There were other ways to source my reading materials. I could go the rest of my life without ever getting caught in the binding gaze of his green eyes, and that would be just fine with me.
I was getting angrier as I ran over the interaction in my mind. I know I’m not a super model, I’m well aware of my physical shortcomings, but still, something in his passive demeanour irritated me. Had I been simply invisible to him?
I swear our fingers brushed when he handed me back my ticket. Was my touch repulsive?
Dear God, was I grabbing my keys?
Twenty four minutes. That’s exactly how long it took my frantic legs to carry me to the corner of Crown street. I had no idea why I was here. Unless, I was honest with myself, and then I had a pretty good idea of why I was here. It was juvenile. It was unlike me. But this was me, and my hand pushing open the glass door and stepping inside the cool, empty store.
‘Hi.’ A nervous voice greeted me. I pivoted on the balls of my feet to face him, emerging from a stack of books, looking sheepish.
That was better, I thought. Scared is better than impassive. At least I have elicited some physiological response from the man.
‘Is there something you need?’ He asked calmly.
‘Uhm, yes.’ I answered, lying. I hadn’t exactly planned what to do once I’d confronted him, only that I knew I wanted to.
He smiled awkwardly and waited patiently for my request.
‘What kind of name is Mulder, anyway?’ I cringed inwardly at my pointless accusation. There were simply no other words on my tongue so I used these ones, but they made little sense.
His face contorted in confusion, before amusement played on his lips.
‘It’s my surname.’ He said.
‘Right.’ I agreed. I agreed with him about his name, what the fuck is wrong with me? Had I had a concussion in the last twenty four hours?
‘And what’s yours?’
‘..Huh?’
‘Your name?’ He chuckled. It annoyed me. But then, everything he did annoyed me today.
‘Dana… Scully.’
‘Which is it?’ His lips stayed up in that smirk that made me want to slap him. Slap him but then kiss him better. Fuck.
‘Dana Scully.’ I shrugged and he stepped towards me, still smirking.
‘Scully.’ He nodded. ‘Was everything alright with the book you ordered?’
‘Yes.’ I snapped.
The amused expression stayed on his beautiful, stupid face and my blood boiled.
What had I hoped would happen when I got here? He would apologise and beg for my forgiveness? For what?
God, I was spiralling, and none of my actions were making sense and my chest felt full of nervous rage, butterflies on fire. He just annoyed me so much.
‘Ok, then..’
‘You know, you’re kind of an asshole.’ I said before the words could be peer reviewed in my brain.
He scoffed a laugh and pointed a finger at his own chest.
‘May I ask why?’
‘You just are.’ I said, shaking my head.
He kept smiling at me, and I found I was fighting a smile back at him. He was infuriating.
‘Well, miss Scully, if that’s everything you came here to say…’ He trailed off, folding his arms across his chest.
Before I knew what I was doing, I stepped towards him and stared up into his face. I was inches from him and his eyes shot open in shock. It felt good to surprise him in some way. I fought to control my trembling hands. His expression was tense and his lips parted, breath panting against my face. I didn’t know what to do. My mind was swimming and the amusement was gone from both of our faces.
He made no move towards me and my resolve faded. I had to get out of here. Panic clawed at my chest as I searched his eyes. What the fuck was I doing? My breath hitched as I pulled away from him and turned to hurry out of the door. He said nothing, and I made a mental promise to myself to never return.