Chapter Text
‘7 Minutes in Heaven’ was a stupid game.
There was absolutely no point to it being a staple of all these damn parties anyone threw.
You shove two people in a closet and what, they’re supposed to make out? Unlock their secret hidden romantic and/or sexual tension? That was the stupidest, most awkward thing Kyle has ever heard of.
He didn’t even want to play and usually everyone would let him get away with it. But not this time, this time everyone goaded him into at least one try. ‘What could really go wrong?’ They said, ’at worst it will be mildly awkward,’ They said, so he gave in and spun the damn bottle.
Of course. Of fucking course. It landed on the one person no one would want it to land on if it were them. But no one would want this less than Kyle Broflovski.
He should have expected this. When something already sucked, he was always there to make it a hundred times worse. So who else would the bottle land on but Eric fucking Cartman.
“C’mon dude, you gotta respect the rules of the game,” Clyde said in a way Kyle found utterly obnoxious.
Stan interjected, “C’mon dude, I think we can give him a pass on this one. It’s literally Cartman we’re talking about, Cartman and Kyle.”
“No guarantee they won’t kill each other,” Bebe snickers, leaning into Wendy’s ear who’s less amused than the others considering the fact that she was the only other person to be unlucky enough to get Cartman in this game, which made Stan instantly pale.
“If they were gonna kill each other they probably would have done it by now.” Craig says in that deadpan voice of his.
“It has been more than a decade,” Kenny agrees, seeming ultimately amused.
“It’s never too late.” Bebe snickers before she’s quickly spoken over by Wendy.
“If I had to do it, Kyle has to do it too.”
Kyle gives her a look of utter betrayal, “You of all people should be sympathetic-“
“I’m here too, assholes!” Cartman interrupts after being oddly quiet during this whole ordeal. Kyle hadn’t noticed that until he heard his voice again, “And I think we should do it.”
“What!?” Kyle practically yelps, “What are you- why are you- shouldn’t you be going on about how being trapped in an enclosed space with a ‘Jew’ would give you some kind of ‘Jew curse’ or some stupid shit like that!?”
“You said it, not me, Kahl.” Cartman responds, “self report, much?”
Kyle’s eye twitches, what a stupid goddamn bigot! “It’s not a goddamn self report, fatass! And if you somehow believe that then why the hell would you say we should do it?”
Stan tentatively raises his hand, “I think you guys are making a way bigger deal of this than it has to be-“
“Shut the fuck up!” Kyle snaps before looking back at Cartman for an answer.
“What, you want to be a fucking chicken, Kahl?! That’s much more embarrassing than being in there with you even if you do some freaky Jew bullshit in there.”
“Goddamn fucking damn it, fatass. You know I’m not-“
“I agree with Eric.” Butters, fucking Butters says out of nowhere. “Er… not the Jew thing. Well.. maybe? But I mean if you couldn’t do what Wendy did for only seven minutes, you’d be a..” he finds the words, “Little bitch!”
Kyle narrows his eyes in incredulity and offense, God Cartman has been a bad influence on him over the years.
“I don’t need your goddamn endorsement Butters!” Cartman chastises, “But he’s right. You’d be a fucking pussy.”
“I would not be a fucking pussy, fatass!” He snaps back.
No one says anything. Kyle looks around, “uh, right guys?” He says after a beat of silence. “Come on, tell him!” He says frustrated. It’s when even Stan looks away despite his earlier words that he says, “Oh my fucking God- fine! Fine if this is such a goddamn big deal I’ll do it! All of this over seven goddamn minutes where literally nothing is going to happen!”
He storms off into the closet before anyone could respond with some bullshit like that he’s the one making a big deal out of this.
He doesn’t look back to see Cartman follow him, he reckons the sight will irritate him so much he’ll finally give in and try to kill the bastard even though this wasn't close to one of the worst things he’s done. He wondered if there was perhaps another reason why he didn’t want to make eye contact right now but he didn't have time to dwell on the thought before he heard Cartman shut the closet door behind him, forcing them to make eye contact regardless.
…and there was the awkward silence. Kyle hated awkward silences, especially with the fatass when they usually had an endless back and forth of insults to exchange.
“What is the fucking point of this game!?” Kyle has to say to snap them out of this unbearable silence.
“Uhh obviously to give two people who don’t want to admit they want to make out with each other an excuse, Kahl. It’s a perfect way to get couples together. I put two people in this situation all the time.”
“Yeah well—wait, do you still do that bullshit?” Kyle winces at the memory of the Nichole situation before shaking his head, “Whatever. My point is, what’s the point of us being here? We’re not some hopeless pair of romcom lovers who would be making out if we just got a little push… Unless you're not telling me something, fatass.” He snorts, regaining his composure slightly.
Cartman bristles at that, Kyle feels satisfied at finally getting the upper hand, “Ew! Don’t even fucking joke about that! As if I’d ever want your gross, disgusting goddamn Jew cooties anywhere on me!” He gags.
Kyle was way too amused to feel offended at a single word he said. If Kyle didn’t know any better, he’d say that Cartman was way too defensive over this. But he did know better, this was just really what Cartman thought.
“Jesus, fatass. Talk about a disproportionate reaction.”
Cartman scoffs and crosses his arms, “The hell it is. That’s how anyone would react if they imagined kissing your ugly face.”
Kyle raises an eyebrow, “You imagined it?”
Cartman sputters, “Wha- don’t act like you didn’t put the idea in my head you goddamn-“ Cartman visibly grits his teeth and looks away, Kyle assumes he’s trying to calm himself down. You don’t see that from Cartman every day.
“You’re the one who wanted to do this fatass! Now you’re bitching about making out coming up in the goddamn make out game?”
Cartman grumbles, “How long do we have of this stupid game anyways?” He still doesn’t make eye contact.
“Hell if I know, already feels like I’ve been trapped here for way too long.”
Cartman doesn’t respond meaning they were in awkward silence again. Kyle still hated it.
Eventually Cartman looks up at Kyle again. He has an expression that’s not quite a glare but adjacent. Kyle could only describe it as a very firm look.
Kyle refuses to shy away, staring right back with an equal amount of intensity.
This time, Cartman breaks the silence, "You're probably bad at it.”
“What?”
“Kissing. Making out. You’re probably shitty at it.”
Kyle scoffs, “I haven’t had any complaints before.”
Cartman’s face morphs into something that Kyle can’t tell if it’s disgust, annoyance or something else. “You expect me to believe you’ve ever made out with someone in your entire life?”
“Oh please! Just because you're a chronic virgin doesn’t mean the rest of us are too.”
“That’s where you're wrong, Kahl. I’m not a virgin. You’ve probably never made it past first base.”
Kyle doesn’t know why he flinches at the idea that Cartman’s ‘not a virgin’. He wants to ask ‘how’ and ‘who’ and ‘why’ Cartman never mentioned it before even though they see each other practically every day.
However, he gets the feeling he shouldn’t say all that so he forces himself to focus on the second part, “Uh, yeah I have, fatass.” He tries to sound like he cares about Cartman’s accusation more than he cares about the claim that Cartman’s not a virgin.
“Psh, no you haven’t.”
“Yeah I have.”
“No you haven’t”
“Yeah I have.”
“No you haven’t”
“Yeah I have.”
“Yeah you have.”
“No I have- god DAMN it.” Kyle shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose in shame and frustration.
Cartman snickers, “I’ve never seen you date anyone. I dated Heidi for a year. It’s okay to have no game, Jew.” He says with faux sympathy.
The mention of Heidi doesn’t make him feel any better. He’s held a grudge against her. It was probably because she broke up with him in 4th grade. Not to mention despite everything that happened she still got back together with Cartman in Junior year. What the hell was wrong with her!? There was nothing more gag worthy than seeing them kiss before class and hold hands in the hallways and- Eugh!
Kyle shakes his head out of this line of thought, “Just ‘cause you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, fatass.” He crosses his arms. The truth was that he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of telling Cartman, or any of the guys that he only hooked up with other guys. He supposed in that sense Cartman wasn’t exactly wrong about him never having a relationship due to his commitment to secrecy.
“Psh, as if I’d believe that.” Cartman says, but his tone was almost.. defeated.. or disgruntled. As if he did in fact believe it.
There was another beat of that goddamn silence before Cartman spoke again, “Doesn’t mean you’re good at kissing.”
“Oh my God, you’re still on that? I told you I’ve had no complaints!”
“To your face, maybe. Don’t you know anything, Kahl? They were just being polite.”
“I swear to fucking God-“
“I mean, if you’ve had practice and I still haven’t seen you in a relationship, then clearly you’re so bad no one wanted to stick around.” He tuts, “Poor little Jew.”
Kyle can feel his blood pressure start to raise, “Don’t fucking call me that, fatass! That’s not true!”
“It so is.”
“It’s so not!”
“It so is.”
“It’s so- agh! Shut the hell up!” He yells in response. There’s no way in hell it hasn’t been seven minutes yet, “I just don’t like commitment.” He regrets the words immediately. Why the hell would he admit that?
“Oh Ho Ho. So that’s the truth? Poor little Jew has commitment issues and is all spikes on the outside to keep people away from his vulnerable heart.” He mocks.
Kyle wished it wasn’t so easy to rile him up, but he could feel his face get hotter, “that’s not— you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, fatass!”
“Oh no! Kahl is pushing me away because I got too close to piercing his impenetrable emotional fortress!” He places a hand over his heart as if he’s pained but his stupid smirking face was anything but wounded.
“Oh my fucking God, like you’re such a sensitive, emotionally available angel?!” When Kyle says it out loud he realises that’s not too far from the truth other than the angel part, so he changes the subject, “At least I’m not the one who gets dumped! The moment Heidi remembered you’re an insufferable, awful piece of shit she discarded you like the piece of garbage you are!”
That seems to wipe that smug look off his face, thankfully. “Oh so now I’m getting a lecture from the virgin-“
“I’m not a virgin!”
“I’d rather get dumped than never have anyone who wants to touch me with a ten foot pole in the first place-“
“Just because one person had some fucking pity for your fat ass-“
“She’s not the only one you fucking Jew! And even if she was, that still makes me less bitchless than you, you fucking loser!”
“Shut up-“
“You’re just jealous that someone actually wants to kiss me, touch me-“
Kyle’s face heats up, “I swear to God if you don’t shut the fuck up-“
“You’ll shut me up? I’d like to see you try you- Mmph-!”
Okay. The good news was, Kyle wasn’t hearing Cartman’s voice anymore. The bad news was… wait, what was the bad news again? Whatever it was, Kyle forgot it when Cartman started kissing back with equal fervour after a moment where he was frozen in what Kyle assumed was shock.
Kyle would be just as shocked if he had time to be in between his very hungry and very angry kiss. He doesn’t notice he’s pushing Cartman backwards until he hears Cartman’s back hit the wall. Cartman makes a half gasp half… noise that Kyle is pretty sure drives him insane. Insane enough to deepen the kiss, taking advantage of his gasp to deepen the kiss with his tongue which Cartman is immediately receptive to, giving up on his futile attempt to dominate the kiss when he’s the one being pressed into the wall with all the strength Kyle has.
What Cartman does do however is bring his hand up to Kyle’s cheek and hold him in place with his grip which makes Kyle the one who half gasps half groan as he savours the kiss as much as he can before he has to pull away for air.
They’re both left gasping for air in a silence Kyle doesn’t mind as much as the last few.
Kyle swallows, “well how’s that for a bad kisse-“
Cartman lunges for another, making Kyle stumble back this time. He closes his eyes and steadies himself the only way he can think of, placing his hands on Cartman’s waist. It doesn’t help the heat running through his body.
This kiss wasn’t as angry as it was.. desperate. Cartman kissed him with so much frustration and desperation Kyle would try to unpack if he wasn’t way too distracted kissing Cartman back in a way that was softer than the last, perhaps just as desperate to savour every last second before he realises he’s kissing-
Cartman.
He’s kissing Eric Cartman.
He’s kissing..
Holy shit.
He pushes Cartman away, “Fuck!”
He doesn’t dare look at Cartman’s expression, looking at the floor instead.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He continues, wiping his mouth and making sure his clothes and hair were in place.
Cartman is silent but Kyle still doesn’t want to look him in the eye.
“What the hell did we- why the hell did we-?! Goddamn it!” He can’t keep avoiding it. He tentatively looks up at Cartman’s face, his eyes are glazed over until Kyle’s stare snaps him out of it.
“What- what the fuck, Jew!” He takes a step back, increasing the distance between them. “You- why the hell would you kiss me! Fucking gross!” He explains, seeming more shaken than dazed now.
Kyle is comforted by the response, it was so familiar, so normal, yes, they can go back to normal and forget whatever the hell just happened,
“gross?? You’re the one who—you’re the one who k— you-“ he can’t get the words ‘kissed back’ out of his throat, "You hypocrite! You’re just as responsible- if not more responsible for- for whatever that was as I am! If not more!”
“If not—if not more? I’m not the one who pushed you against that goddamn wall-“
“I- I didn’t push!—“
“How was I possibly responsible for you trying to fucking devour me?!”
“Oh ‘cause you had so many damn complaints while it was happening! You’re the one who pissed me off in the first place you fucking fatass!”
“Wha- and that warrants making out with me because??”
He scoffs, “obviously it— obviously-“ he pauses, “it’s been more than seven goddamn minutes! What the hell?”
He goes to reach the door handle before he hears Cartman’s, “Hold the fuck on!”
Kyle pauses but doesn’t look back.
“Are we seriously not going to talk about—“
“No. There’s nothing to talk about. It was weird- heat of the moment bullshit. Unless you’re about to confess your love to me, fatass.”
Cartman makes a noise of disgust, “Keep dreaming, Jew! Cause clearly that’s what you really want.”
He turns back with fury, “I don’t fucking want that!” He looks at Cartman with a heated glare, “I fucking hate you. I hate you so goddamn much and that’s is and will always be the only thing I feel! Don’t get any weird ideas or fantasies in your head just because that happened!”
Cartman gives an offended scoff glares back, “As if I’d ever fantasise about being with a goddamn Jew like you!” Kyle notices that his fists clench, “This didn’t happen.”
“We’re on the same page about that. This didn’t happen, it won’t happen again, we’ll forget it ever happened and act normal.” He looks away and grips the door handle again, “and wipe your damn mouth before you leave. He opens the door and storms out, not looking back at Cartman again.
He storms into the group playing Uno?? “What the hell guys?”
“Huh?” Stan looks up.
“You forced me to do seven minutes in heaven and no one decided to come get us after seven minutes?!”
“Oh, you were still in there? Sorry, we stopped playing that and got super into this Uno game.” Stan says, not sounding very remorseful.
“Yeah, we got really into this Uno game.” Kenny adds.
Kyle feels his eye twitch, “I hate you guys.”
“What’s the big deal, it’s only been six extra minutes? You know you could’ve left at any time, right?” Stan continues, “Damn you're really red, let me guess, you and Cartman got into another heated fight or something?”
Kenny snickers at that but Kyle doesn’t pay him any mind.
“Ugh! I’m leaving!” Kyle shouted before storming to wherever the door before he could look or care about the fact that everyone's staring at him due to his outburst.
He barely hears Stan say, “What is he being so dramatic about?” Before he’s out of earshot.
7 minutes in heaven was so, so stupid!
——