Work Text:
Shane is sprawled out on the couch reading one of his many hockey books, Anya sleeping peacefully at his feet, Ilya is in the gym blaring bad bunny. Over the summer he became one Ilya's favorite artists, anytime he was listening to music bad bunny was the lead artist or featured.
Shane barely knew Spanish, he picked up basic words for greeting people, saying thank you, etc. he still loved Ilya dancing around the cottage pretending to know what he was saying as he horribly sung along.
Today was the same, in the gym Ilya had his 'workout' playlist playing while he did squats. He was humming along letting his body take control out of muscle memory while focused on the music. Usually he didn't care if he knew what the lyrics were, it was catchy and bad bunny's voice was amazing. Curiosity got the best of him, he stood up and walked towards the corner of their home gym to grab his phone. Swiping up and opening a tab in safari he typed "translated lyrics dtfm bad bunny" multiple websites popped up, he clicked on a random one and started reading. he could feel tears swell in his eyes as he read every lyric while the song played.
I should've taken more pictures when I had you
I should've given you more kisses and hugs whenever I could
Ilya was fully sobbing now, phone clutched in his hand as he thought of everyone he lost, all the time he could've had with Shane.
As if Shane had heard his thoughts he quietly walked in the room. "Ilya..?" He let out barley above a whisper, Ilya only cried harder falling to the floor. His back pressed cold against the wall he looked up at Shane, eyelash wet with tears that were still steadily streaming down his face.
"Ilyusha what's wrong?" Shane said as he rushed over, his knees hitting the floor shuffling between Ilya's legs. Shane brushed his cheeks with his thumbs trying to wipe the tears but they kept coming. Ilya barely looked at before wrapping him in a tight hug like he could float away any second. Shane held Ilya like that for a few minutes letting him cry, whispering reassuring things as he brushed his fingers through his curls.
Eventually Ilya pulled back enough to look at Shane, now Shane was crying too, not nearly as hard as Ilya thankfully. He was usually so strong when Shane needed him but he knew he would be no help right now. Shane didn't need him right to be the strong one right now, he just pulled Ilya's in closer and kissed the top of his forehead.
"What happened baby?" Shane asked when Ilya started to calm down, Ilya let out a long shaky breath and leaned against the wall. It was cold and grounding, he looked at Shane once more before grabbing his phone and reopening the tab of translated lyrics. Ilya handed him the and he took it with no hesitation.
Shane was assuming the worst, something happen to mom or dad, no he would probably know first, maybe something happen to Svet, fuck. Ilya's last connection to a good part of Russia.. and Shane just got to know her. He looked at the phone terrified for what he was about to see, except nothing happened, it wasn't a news site or a devastating text it was.. lyrics? Shane started reading then quickly realized why Ilya was crying.
Enjoying nights like those that don't come often
That don't come often
But wanting to go back to the last time
That I looked into your eyes
And to tell you the things I didn't get to tell you (You look like my crush, haha)
And to take the pictures I didn't get to take
(Damn, I swear you look so pretty, let me take a picture of you)
Shane looked back at Ilya with tears in his eyes remembering what it was like to hide for so long, he dropped the phone to the side and wrapped Ilya in the tightest hug he could. Ilya pulled Shane over his lap, all he could think about was the first time he hugged him like this. It was in Florida after his dad passed and Shane came out to him, it was the first time they really hugged.
He wanted to live in that moment forever and never let Shane go, they sat on the floor of their gym wrapped in each other's arms for what felt like hours. At some point Anya found her way into the hug, mostly laying on the floor but her head was pushed between the two of them.
Shane got up first wincing at the pain in his knees from sitting like that so long, Ilya couldn't blame him, his spine hurt leaning against the hard wall. But he couldn't care less, he loved Shane Hollander and would do anything to hold him in his arms forever.
****
Later that day Ilya was listening to bad bunny again, he took that song out of his workout playlist. It was too sad, he would never forget the lyrics and it definitely wasn't something he wanted to think about while trying to lift weights. By noon he was in the kitchen, bad bunny playing on his portable speaker, making tuna melts for lunch (of course they're now one of Shane's favorite foods.) He loves making them too, thinking about the first time Shane was at his house- he didn't like to think about how it ended Shane walking out when he was vulnerable. That was behind them now, they were happily married and out to the whole world. Plus he couldn't be to mad at Shane, it was the first time for a lot and it was overwhelming.
He shook his head trying to let it go and focus on the food that didn't even need focusing right now, then suddenly he heard the familiar beat of DtMF starting to play. He froze as tears began to fill his eyes, then he was.. shaking. Literally fucking shaking like a baby dear, his heart skipped and his mind went blank only able to feel an overwhelming sense of dread. Shane was on a walk with Anya he was completely alone leaning against the counter as the lyrics flowed through his head.
He only read it once but remembered every single one, he didn't know which words meant which but still knowing what they meant all together felt like a punch to the heart.
**
Shane walked through the front door, Anya was still excited jumping around impatiently waiting for Shane to unclip her leash. He was giggling as Anya ran down the hall to find Ilya, he walked to the kitchen already know his husband was making lunch, that and the undeniable sound of bad bunny playing softly through a Bluetooth speaker.
He hadn't realized what song was playing until he was walking through the doorway, Ilya was hunched over the counter shaking. Shane only saw him shake in two situations, after mind blowing sex or when his emotions were too much to handle and he was seconds away from spiraling. Ilya didn't spiral often but when he did it was bad.. like Shane was genuinely scared to leave his side bad.
Shane rushed over and pulled him away for the counter, with one he reached over to grab Ilya's phone and turn off the song. Ilya was still shaking clinging onto Shane like his life depended on it.. but he wasn't crying just silently shaking. Fuck this bad. This is really fucking bad.
Ilya was bigger than Shane and a decent amount stronger, but that didn't stop Shane from lifting him bridal style and walking him to the couch. Anya was now pacing around the living room worried but not crowding Anya surprisingly read Ilya's emotions well, Shane knew dogs were smart but Anya always knew what to do, she was never pushy or misbehaved. She was a perfect addition to the family. His family. With Ilya.
"I'm gonna grab the food you stay here ok?" Shane asked after pulling a blanket over Ilya, he was brushing the gold curls away from his face. Ilya nodded and Shane leaned forward to place a kiss on his husband's forehead before standing to retrieve their sandwich's. The second Shane stood up Anya jumped on the couch and curled in Ilya's lap, he pet her forehead and gave her a kiss then turned to head for the kitchen.
20 minutes later after they finished their tuna melts and Ilya's trembling subsided, they were cuddled up on the couch watching happy Gilmore. Ilya's favorite comedy movies were almost always happy Madison projects, and he had to admit Adam Sandler was funny.
They had talked a little bit but not about what was truly bothering Ilya. He was ok with waiting, he knew Ilya wanted to push it away until it was the last thing he thought. Ilya was going to therapy though and learning how to confront those emotions, eventually he would come to Shane. If he didn't Shane would go to him, remind him that he's here for everything, every part good and bad, he would stay by Ilya's side and help fight through it all.
It was almost silent in the room, the only noise coming from the movie on the screen and their breathing as they laid together. Ilya sat up slightly to look at Shane, he spoke in an almost a painfully small voice "can you call yuna?"
"Of course baby what's wrong" they didn't use pet names often but Ilya found them comforting in times like this, he took a deep breath before speaking again.
"I just.. Mne nuzhna mama. But I can not and it hurts, yuna is the closet I have had to a mother in a long time shane... I need her." I need my mom
Ilya immediately dropped his head back on Shane's chest like it took all his energy to finally say something. Shane reached forward as carefully as he could and grabbed his phone, he opened his messages clicked on yuna's chat and asked her to come over.
In the five minutes it took for Yuna to arrive Ilya broke down, he was lying in Shane's arms in fetal position. Sobbing and fully shaking, he was trying to make out words but his brain couldn't catch up causing him to spit out some nonsense in both Russian and English. Shane understood none of it but he held Ilya close rocking him and brushing his fingers through Ilya's now very messy curls.
Yuna walked into the cottage without hesitation, quickly slipping off her coat and shoes, putting them up as fast as she could. She rushed to the living room knowing from the distant sobs that Ilya was spiraling. "Oh honey come here" she said dropping on the couch next to Ilya with her arms wide open, he immediately latched onto nearly knocking her off the couch. He cried harder as she raked her hands through his hair and told him everything was ok, she was here and would take care of him. With every word Ilya cried impossibly harder nearly hyperventilating, Shane rushed to the kitchen to grab him a glass of water and try to keep himself together.
When he returned Yuna was rubbing Ilya's back counting to him, in 1 2 3 4 hold 1 2 3 out 1 2 3 4, after a few minutes Ilya stopped crying and was rocking lazily still wrapped in yuna's arm. Suddenly through the still air Ilya mumbled "I'm sorry" his voice was so small like he just ruined something he could never fix. Yuna grabbed his face with one hand on each of his cheeks lightly wiping away his still dying tears.
"Sweetheart you have nothing to be sorry about, everyone gets sad sometimes it's ok to cry, it's ok to let those emotions out. You're only hurting yourself if you keep it bottled up... do you want to talk about it?" Yuna asked looking at Ilya as she held his face in her hands.
Ilya shed another tear, looking at yuna he felt safe, a different kind of safe than he felt with Shane. It was a type of safe that he hadn't felt in a long time, so long he could barely remember what caused it, but when he did it was like it stabbed through his heart. Ilya missed his mother more than anything in the world. He was forgetting her face, her voice, her smell. He was forgetting everything about her and it only got worse as time went on.
Shane made a memorial for her in Ottawa as an anniversary gift. Ilya thought he was going to have a heart attack seeing it, it meant so much to him he couldn't express it in words. He hugged Shane as tight as possible and sat there for hours. For months after that Ilya went there every day, it slowed down a bit with hockey season but when he was at home Shane and him would pass it on their morning run. He always stopped, blew a kiss to the stone and recited a prayer his mother always said.
Ilya looked at yuna like he could telepathically tell her everything he couldn't say with words right now, he just wanted to dissolve into nothing. Like yuna had some sixth sense she said to Ilya "I miss my mother too. She was a wonderful woman and was taken too soon." Shane didn't know much about his grandmother, he knew recipes and nicknames, little things here and there his mom did to reminder of her mother but he never knew how she passed.
"She died when I was young.. a little bit after Shane was born and with the postpartum it was like torture. She was in the hospital for a few months. It was really hard to let go but we had too, I had too.”
Yuna was now crying aswell, tears slowly streaming down her face. With a deep breath yuna spoke again "Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, even if don't remember everything I could never forget her completely, neither will you. I know it's hard. It feels like she's slipping away but I promise she's not. Irina loves you Ilya and she's always watching over you." She took another deep breath and continued "she sees how happy you are with our Shane and how far you've come in your career, how good of a person you are. Ilya she sees all of it and I have no doubt that she's very proud of you"
She pulled Ilya in closer for another hug letting him get out all of his emotions, about an hour after yuna arrived they were all on the couch with red puffy eyes laughing lightly while talking about old memories, Ilya sharing stories about his mom and growing up in Russia. It wasn't all bad especially when his mom was around.
Yuna went in the kitchen to make them some soup before leaving, she insisted saying it was her ‘motherly duties.’ When she entered the kitchen Shane turned to face Ilya, bringing his hand up to brush Ilya's hair out of his face. "Are you ok baby?" Shane asked quietly
"Yea. I think so. Probably." Ilya replied not able to make eye contact, Shane knew he only said probably like that when he was scared to admit something. He sat there quietly playing with Ilya’s hair waiting for him to tell the truth, his husband took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I- I'm forgetting her shanya. I don't want to forget her." his eyes were burning tears that weren’t there. Shane pulled him close to lay on his chest "tell me about her, anything you can remember"
So he did, Ilya laid there and told Shane anything he could remember about his mother. It wasn't a whole lot but he started to drift off while talking, he was so tired and Shane's chest was so comfy. He was mumbling complete nonsense now barely able to keep his eyes open, Shane let out the smallest laugh and pressed a kiss to the top of Ilya's head. "It's ok, go to sleep moya lyubov" my love.
Yuna was still in the kitchen almost done cooking, she called out for Shane to come grab their bowls. When she didn't hear a reply she walked into the living room to see them cuddled up asleep on the couch. A warm smiled spread across her face as she took in the sight, all she could think about was how adorable they were. She was so proud. So of course she pulled out her phone, snapped a picture and sent it to David with 'I'll be home soon ❤️'
She laid a blanket over them and turned back to the kitchen to put the soup away in Shane’s very specific Tupperware. (a gift from her of course) She turned all the lights off but one in the living room just incase they woke up they wouldn't be in complete darkness. She walked to the door and slipped in her coat and shoes, ready to leave but she was stopped by Anaya wagging her tail waiting excitedly. Yuna laughed and grabbed her leash, she opened her phone again and sent Shane a message letting him know she was taking Anya for the weekend so they could spend some time together.
Shane woke up sometime later being carried to bed, Ilya told him yuna took Anya for the weekend and they were going to cuddle the whole time. Shane believed it especially when Ilya placed him on the bed and carefully slid in next to him. He pulled Shane as close as he could to his chest and peppered him with kisses. They feel asleep like that not even bothering to get ready for bed.