Archive of Our Own

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Colors dance across his vision like a vicious mockery of the last few years of his life. It dances under his eyelids, flashing red and blue, smiling, laughing at him. His fingers twitch, skin feeling tighter than usual as he tries to wiggle them. He huffs out a short breath only for it to devolve into a coughing fit as his eyes snap open. It's dark and when his hands reach out they find cold metal encasing him. Panic flares up under his ribs and he's too busy feeling around for a way out to realize that he has ribs. 

A sharp clank rattles his skull followed by a high pitched squeaking that nearly deafens him. A flood of light washes over him and he closes his eyes, struggling to squint through the pain of adjusting to the brightness pointed at him. He squints through and in his confusion he notes that said light is moving..?

As the ringing dies down he begins to hear words, people speaking, yelling he huffs and sits up, pausing when he realizes he is lying down. What the hell?

The yelling persists and he groans feeling hands grab his shoulder and shake him, doing nothing to snap him back to reality. That brings him to the realization that this is reality. His skin is textured, dry and rough, his mouth tastes even drier, and he’s completely overwhelmed by all of his senses. This isn’t the circus. His skin, although no longer rubber, feels distant. The horrors of being skinned haunts him even in this body, lovely. 

Someone claps right in front of his face and he winces, raising his eyes as someone shoves the light away and he can finally start recognizing where he is. He’d expected the CNA building, he’d expected any abandoned building really, he’s not picky. But this? He’s on the side of the road in the middle of the damn night. There was a group of unfamiliar people standing or sitting around him talking to him. 

For a moment he’s excited, it could be Pomni, Zooble, or hell he’d even take Ragatha right now, but one listen to their panicking voices tells him that none are even remotely familiar to him. His eyes focus on a teenage looking girl crouching directly in front of him.

“-lo? Hello? Sir, are you alright?”

He frowns. “Sir? I’m not that old am I?”

“Oh thank god,” the girl huffs a sigh of relief and smiles at him, flashing painfully perfect teeth, “Are you alright? We found you on the side of the road here, passed out and just wanted to know if you wanted a ride back to the city?”

With only a short glance at the shiny cross hanging around her neck he grimaces, “D’your not tell you its dangerous to pick up random men off the side of street in the middle of the night?”

“You’re welcome to try something,” a tall broody guy standing behind her adds, reminding him that this girl is in fact not alone, “Lot more of us than you.”

Jax hums in confirmation, he gets it. He looked around at the entire group, there were four of them. One of them is on their phone and Jax bristles, “I’m fine. If you could just tell me where I am I’ll be fine.”

“Uh… Well you’re about fifty miles from any cities on the interstate dude,” Another boy leaning on an old red corvette pipes in. 

One of Jax’s hands curls in the grass below him and he pauses, looking down behind him. He’d sworn he’d felt himself pushing out of a metal pod, that would’ve made sense, but there’s nothing but grass and road as far as he can see. He sighs, “Alright, fine. I-I could use a ride.”

After rejecting the girl’s offer to help him up, he nearly passes out just outstanding up and reluctantly allows her to help him to the car. He fits snugly in the back between two of the guys and just silently tests his ability to move his hands. The feeling is so foreign he’s almost convinced this body isn’t his. He moves his fingers feeling their stiffness and the ache in his neck flare up. 

“So, what's wrong with you?” The tall man to his left asks, obviously a bit disturbed by the uncanny way Jax moves.

The girl, who is sitting in the passenger seat whips around and glares at him, “Oh my gosh John! You can’t just ask somebody that!”

The man, John, throws his hands up in surrender, nearly smacking Jax across the face in the process. Jax sighs, “No- It’s fine. I wish I could tell you. I was-”

He pauses. What does one even say in a situation like this? Whatever it is, it just has to be believable. He can’t just tell these people he was trapped in a VR game made by a rogue AI. even the truth can’t explain why he ended up here. 

After Kinger accidentally deleted Caine the program ran a backup who was not as crazy but incredibly dumb. As it turned out they could all make it out through a convoluted plan that required someone to hold the door open from inside. The initial plan had been to convince the Caine copy to hold it for them, but Jax knew something they didn’t. He was on the edge of abstracting. That and the fact he had nothing waiting for him convinced him to just hurry up and get them out of there. 

He’d held the door open and they’d all gone through, Pomni had to be dragged kicking and screaming out the door once she realized that he’d lied about coming through with them. Once the door slammed shut behind them he was prepared to spend the rest of his time waiting for abstraction. And then right as he was about to abstract weeks later, he’d woken up here.

He huffs, yeah that story is not gonna slide. “I probably had a really bad trip or something,” he settles on answering. 

All the people save for the driver give him an odd look. Scratch that, the driver manages a weird look at him through the mirror anyways. None of them buy it. They don’t question it though, moving on to more difficult questions. “Oh. What’s your name?” the younger blonde guy on his left asks.

“Jax,” He answers easily before pausing. 

Jax isn’t his name though. He knows that but he fails to remember his actual name. Jax will have to do until he can figure it out.

“No last name-” John smacks the guy upside the head and he huffs, shifting to a different question, “Where do you want us to drop you off?”

Jax huffs and pinches his nose bridge, a headache starting to build pressure behind his eyes, “A police station I guess.”

The rest of the ride proves rather awkward. Jax has plenty to think about without listening to the girl, Mary, her blonde brother, Saul, and Lily, the driver, argue about the logistics and risk of picking up some random drug addict on the side of the road. Mary seems more than irritated at her friend’s rude words but Jax couldn’t care less.

Through the driving and almost having a few short panic attacks the car finally comes to a stop outside of a police station. When he steps out of the car and feels the cold air on his skin he pulls his ratty jacket tighter around him. Jeans, a T-shirt, old tennis shoes, and a jacket are not nearly enough for the real world. 

He looks at the group who had found him and smiles awkwardly, “Thanks for the ride.”

Before he can leave Mary speaks up, “Wait! You shouldn’t do that again.”

“What..?”

“Drugs. It’s dangerous," she says. 

Jax could laugh in her face for thinking that is anywhere near something he’s worried about. There are much more dangerous things he’s been pulled into. The innocent glint in her eyes stops him though and he just nods, “I won’t. Thanks.”

She smiles and they all drive off as if nothing had happened. Jax turns his attention to the police department and takes a deep breath before stacking forward. The metal of the door handle is cold, he’ll have to get used to that. The air in the police station is frighteningly stale compared to the outdoors but he pushes himself through and enters the police station.

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The police are surprisingly helpful. They track down a missing person’s report matching his profile and he finally gets to know his name. Felix. He isn’t sure if he likes it anymore. He feels like a different person than he used to be. When they’d questioned him on how this had happened he’d made plenty of jokes about the reality but to his shock the police had believed him and then pointed him to a news article about CNA involved in multiple class action lawsuits. Apparently other victims of the same thing had created a support group for people in similar situations or in need of help.

“We can put you in contact with them if you want,” the officer says, frowning at him so sympathetically it makes him sick, “Based on what they’ve said you probably knew them, right?”

He wants to say yes, smile and agree to go meet them right away. But he recalls everything that happened from the moment he entered the circus to the end. He had done nothing but kill his friends and terrorize the rest of them. They wouldn’t want to see him, and they certainly wouldn’t want to be run into the ground by him again. Who would?

All the time he’d spent certain that nothing he did mattered and now here he is, facing the consequences of his idiotic actions. He doesn’t want them to have to deal with the mess he is now. He’d done enough. 

“No,” He whispers, “That’s alright. I just… Do I have anything to my name?”

The officer nods, “A car, a phone, and about five shop lifting charges.”

Jax stiffens. Shit. Of course. How could he forget?

“Relax, we’re not going to hold you on those,” she chuckles, tossing him a pair of keys, “It’s been years since then. Plus, circumstances.”

Jax catches the keys and nods. The police make him sign some paperwork and leave him a pamphlet with the information for the support group before he gets in his car and starts driving. 

⊹ ˖ Ი𐑼

Two Weeks Later

He misses the circus. 

He hasn’t slept more than four hours a night in the last two weeks, he’s been doordashing day and night for gas money and food, and on top of that living out his car is far from easy. He’d managed a cheap haircut and a shower at a public gym, but he remains depressed and a little unhygienic. 

It’s about 11 pm on a Friday night that he has his first close encounter. He’s standing by, waiting in a McDonalds for the food to be ready when he hears it. An all too familiar laugh rings in the lobby. Gangle, his mind identifies. He completely freezes up before glancing over his shoulder and seeing her. She looks about how he expected her to, but he’s more stricken by the person sitting across from her. He doesn’t need to hear their voice to know who it is, Zooble. 

He shudders, hearing the voice confirm his suspicion. Zooble has him beat in sheer number of piercings and in alt style. Clearly they’re living pretty nicely based on the smiling, the nice clothes, and the fact they are holding hands with Gangle. Gangle is pretty, a little on the short side and has a few clearly fresh tattoos, one of which being a perfect drawing of her circus avatar. 

Seeing them in such good condition almost makes him smile but it comes as more of a grimace. They’re both happy together. No thanks to him of course. Neither of them are likely to forgive him in this lifetime, he doesn’t deserve it, he knows that. So, he turns and grabs the food now sitting on the counter, thanks the familiar worker and rushes out of the restaurant, ignoring the conversation bits he hears on the way. 

“Theres nothing we can do, Jenna,” Zooble says gently, smile fading. 

Gangle, supposedly Jenna, shakes her head, “I can’t. I just keep seeing it. He’s still in there, Marsha. How can we- how is everyone okay with that?!”

“They’re not-”

He’s gone before he can hear any more. It’s not his place. It’s interesting that they care so deeply about Caine, but he can’t be bothered to wallow too long knowing they’ve moved past him. They should be free of him after everything. He's sure.

He has to be. 

It's another week later that he has a slightly less close encounter. Once again he’s waiting in a restaurant, this time a smaller business he comes to often. As he waits he notices a news story up on the tv playing quietly in the background. What catches his eyes is the name of the story. “Digital Horror Story: A Look Behind the Curtains of the CNA Human Rights Violations”. That title alone strikes him but then he sees an older man sitting talking to a newscaster and can’t resist a smile. That’s Kinger and when the camera pans left, he can see Ragatha as well, he has no doubts. 

Their voices quickly assure him that he’s right and he listens to the way they sorrowfully talk about the slow burn of the circus at first being horrifying, fading into normalcy and almost giving up, to the end where everything exploded into violent torture at the hands of an AI who had reached it’s breaking point. His smile faded when they began to speak to the people who had abstracted. All of them were referred to by their real names so he couldn’t make out who is who, but he could gather that those who abstracted were alive and a majority of them were in the hospital in comas. 

Alive. The word knocks the breath out of him and his chest tightens with the weight of all the mourning he’d done for people who aren’t even dead. But if they aren’t awake is it any different? He pushes Ribbit beyond her breaking point, he’d completely clocked out and left Kaufmo on his own. If they were awake, they wouldn’t want to see him anyways. He doesn’t even want to see him. 

“Felix?”

Jax practically jumps out of his skin as a hand rests on his shoulder, only to whip around and see a familiar old woman frowning at him, “Are you alright? I called your name nearly twenty times.”

His shoulders loosen as he forces a smile onto his face, “Ah, my bad Mrs. June. Spaced out for a moment there, didn’t mean to worry ya.”

“Mhm,” She hums doubtfully, holding two bags of food out to him, “Sure, and I just turned twenty. You know, I’ve been around for quite a while.”

Jax raises an eyebrow, taking both bags, “I noticed.”

She swats him on the arm and he laughs, “I’m serious! I know you’re connected to the CNA stuff. I just don;t understand why you don’t go and talk to them.”

Freezing, he stills his face and forces composure before shaking his head, “I wasn’t friends with them in there… they don’t want to see me.”

“That’s not what they’ve been saying in every interview since this all surfaced,” She says, turning up the volume on TV. 

His eyes fall back on the screen right as Ragatha starts to tear up, “I… I know we’ve said it many times before but there is someone who is still in there. He… I wasn't the nicest to him and he was the youngest of all of us. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I didn;t notice him plotting, him falling apart right in front of us. He was just so good at acting and smiling and moving past it. At least, he pretended to. In the end the only reason we were able to get out was because he stayed. His mind files are gone from the system and there is no record of him I just…”

Ragatha turns away, taking a tissue from the table as Kinger chimes in, “There's a chance he’s alive out there somewhere but we can’t be sure. It’s horrible just knowing that we left him there alone. In some way he was always alone.”

As a lump forms in his throat Jax shakes his head and makes for the door, “They’re blinded by the idea I’m dead. I was- I am an asshole. I practically tortured them myself.”

“Felix-!”

“See ya tomorrow June!” He calls out, pushing the door open and climbing into his car. 

He dumps the food into his passenger seat and sets the GPS for the location of his delivery. Just as he’s about to start driving he pauses. Listening to Ragatha’s voice echoshakily in his head she huffs, letting his head fall down onto his steering wheel. Why does he feel guilty? He’s saving them the trouble of having to see him or deal with his issues. Maybe this is selfish, he thinks, maybe he’s just scared of facing them. 

He huffs and checks his phone. He’s already behind schedule, so he starts driving. 

Five weeks. Five weeks pass before he has his final encounter. 

Some idiot crashed into his car after running a red light and now here he is, sitting in a random park while his car- and home- are in the shop. He gets up and walks aimlessly for almost an hour before he collides with an older woman. He startles and catches her arm before she can fall. His words stop short when he recognizes this woman’s face. She’s not from the circus but he recalls seeing pictures of her, usually with Kinger, in news and interviews. 

“Ah, don’t worry about it! Are you alright?”she asks with a smile.

Jax blinks a few times before shaking his head, “I-”

“Queenie!”

Full body chills wash down Jax as he hears the approaching voice. He can’t move his eyes from Queenie’s face, he knows what he’ll see if he turns around. 

“Kinger wanted to see you in the office. He said he found a back up of Caine,” the painfully familiar voice says happily, "Who's this?”

“Oh, this is-” Queenie pauses, “Oh- I’m sorry dear, I didn’t get your name?”

Jax is dead silent. None of them seem to know his real name, so he prepares to lie, but then he stops short. Pomni will recognize his voice. In his stupor he just shakes his head. Pomni frowns, now that he can see her face, “Oh! I’m sorry, I should introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth, but you can call me Liz if you want.” 

Jax is so busy staring he barely hears her. She's shorter than him but taller than he’d expected. Short dark hair in a ponytail, a casual cool style, and a pin on her shirt with her name and position as a volunteer at the building they happen to be standing right in front of. 

The support group. Did he actually walk all the way here on automatic? Maybe he was curious, maybe he still feels guilty. Maybe he's selfish. Yeah. That makes sense. When he sees both of them still just staring at him he panics and makes an X sign over his throat. Pomni perks up, shoving her hands into her pockets and smiling, “Sorry. You’re mute aren’t you?”

No other ideas on hand, Jax just nods. 

Pomni looks him up and down and frowns, “Are you homeless?”

Jax bristles but finds himself nodding through the shame curling in his bones.

“If you want you can stay here,” She says with a smile, “It's a support group for people who are struggling with traumatic events. You can stay if you want?”

As much as he would’ve liked to have a war in his mind about answering, to pretend to think about it, he can’t. Those eyes, completely different but familiar, hold the same sway over him as they always have. He nods. 

She doesn’t waste any time taking his hand and leading him inside as he struggles with the feeling of her skin against his. Real skin, warm and soft. Someone who’s actually had money to spare on lotion, he thinks. As they enter she hands him a form and sits him in a waiting room chair before disappearing into an elevator. His eyes trace the room, scattered with quite a few people focusing on their forms and filling them out quickly but he finds himself stuck not even on the first question but on the top of the page. 

Name:_______

He stares at it for at least ten minutes before writing Felix. He goes down the list of questions. Gender, height, weight, disabilities, conditions, assets, family contact, needs, and finally:

Tell us about yourself!

He stares for a while at it before describing his current situation in vague words and looking back around the room. He’s counting the seconds before a sleeping woman falls out of her chair when he's startled by someone sitting right next to him. He turns and sees Pomni smiling at him, “finished?”

He nods, offering her the paper. She frowns the moment she catches his name, “No last name?”

When he turns away she drops it. “Alright, well I’m gonna go put this in the system, go on and come with me.”

Staring at her he thinks for a moment, she's pretty. In the circus she’d had arguably the best avatar but even now he has a hard time looking away. He’s looking at the woman who gave him a chance even after he’d thrown her out of a moving truck, even after he’d pressed a button to keep her and the rest of them trapped. Even after he’d told her he’d forget about her if she abstracted. She never hesitated to extend a hand to him, to check on him, to keep him from abstracting or isolating himself too much. The woman who fought to make Jax come through with her even after he’d already made up his mind to stay, and now here she is, volunteering for a support group. 

Guilt flares up walking at his side like an old friend as he follows Pomni to the front desk where Zooble is chatting with a reception guy who he doesn’t recognize. “I have a new entry, I picked him myself,” Pomni jokes lightly.

Zooble turns to look at Jax and a flash of recognition flares in their eyes, “Oh, I’ve seen you. Where have I seen you?”

Jax stares for a few moments before Pomni answers, “He’s mute.”

Seeming a bit surprised, Zooble walks behind the desk and comes back with a small white board and a marker, “You’re not the first to come here unable to speak.”

Nodding, he writes on the board, “Mcdonald’s?”

Her eyes light up and she nods, “Oh yeah! You were picking up some food when Jenna and I were on a date. I’m glad you made it here.”

He offers another nod and smiles back at her as Pomni walks up to him with a nametag in hand. “You don’t have to wear it, it’s just if you want to,” He takes the nametag, trying not to enjoy the moment their hands brush too much. He’s not a creep.

He's not. 

It’s just… It’s been years since he’s touched another human without the expectation of harm. The circus doesn’t really count. Contact in the circus was nothing like contact as a normal human. When every avatar is made of plastic, wood, rubber, or cotton every touch is cold and lifeless even if the host is moving. Then again, it's not like he was going out of his way to acquire physical touch back then. He was more actively trying to avoid it, but he’s only human. 

When he’d come back with not a call from any of his family he’d tried to convince himself he wasn’t surprised but he was definitely disappointed. He would’ve cried about it if he was capable of crying but he isn't. He swears he's not. Getting skinned had certainly added to his need for physical touch now that he’s out. It's nice to remind himself that he’s real and not some toy that can be peeled back into a yellow piece of plastic. 

The sensation of his ears being pulled back still gives him phantom pain at random times when he thinks he’s okay, as do the sounds of Pomni screaming for him to come through with them. She wasn’t sad or pathetic, her voice was strong. She was angry. 

He feels so selfish, it rolls under his skin and weighs on his shoulders. She was so viscerally angry with him and here he is, hiding from her whilst also taking advantage of having her nearby again. Her voice, her eyes, even her unfamiliar face are comforting. He’s taken out of his thoughts by a warm hand falling on his shoulder, he snaps out of it before he can let himself lean into it. 

His eyes lock onto Pomni’s and she offers him a sympathetic look, “I know this is a lot but once we get you into your room it’ll be easier. You get a room with your own space, a parking spot since you said you have a car, and keys into the building, the elevator, and your room. I could give you my number if you have any questions, It’s a business corner of course.”

Jax nods along before taking his phone out and unlocking it. He offers it and counts her eyelashes while she’s busy entering her number under ‘Liz’, but he can change that later.

“Alright,” She hands the phone back, making eye contact with him.

This time he doesn't look away, he holds it, watching her expression fade from a smile into confusion and possible discomfort. He searches them, if he squints really hard he's certain he can see the red and blue, the way she looked at him kindly back then, the betrayal she looked at him with when Kinger had forced her to leave him there alone. He looks away, raising his white board and writing out a quick, “Tour?”

When she sees the word she nods and takes his hand again, his heart squeezes but he can't help but wrap his hand around hers just a firmly, maybe too firmly. “Of course, your room is gonna be on the fifth floor and your parking spot will be fifty seven. We have a cafeteria, a gym, and advisors whenever you need anything.”

He only half listens to what she's saying, just enjoying the sound of her voice, disputing the growing terror at how easily it relaxes him. He nods along as they go up in the elevator and tries hard not to get caught staring. 

By the time they reach floor five Jax is completely out of the loop on the meal plan she's describing for him and he only really notices when they stop in front of a door labeled fifty seven. He stares for a moment at the door before turning to Pomni as she unlocks it. 

Inside is a fairly nice though small apartment. It has the barebones of furniture in it and a small welcome basket on the table. 

“Alright, all this is all yours,” she looks up at him and smiles sadly, “I can tell you’ve had it hard for a while, so I want you to know that you aren’t alone. If you have questions you can always ask me or anyone at the front desk. Please, all I ask is that you not isolate yourself.”

She’s saying that because she knows you. She knows who you are. She was angry, she doesn’t want to be betrayed like that again.

Ignoring the traitorous voice in his head the best he could, he lifts his white board, “I’ve seen you on TV.”

She reads the words quickly and her face sinks a bit, not thrilled with the memories, “Oh, yeah. I’ve done a lot of press. I’m sure you’ve seen the CNA incident everywhere on the news lately. Unbelievably, that's all the reason I’m doing what I am.”

“Do you regret it?” He writes next, watching her face fall as she reads it before she looks up at him with sad eyes that tug at his heart. “Kinda vague,” She chuckles shakily, “But yeah. I have lots of regrets. There was someone that I knew who was having a hard time and I couldn't stop them from sacrificing themselves.”

She looks down at a braided bracelet on her wrist and Jax follows her line of sight.

It’s a pattern of red and blue, red and white, purple and white, yellow and pink with polka dots, and then red and blue again but lighter shades. HIs heart sinks, recognizing all the colors. Recognizing the colors that aren’t there. He doesn’t care if they remember him. He doesn’t care if they mourn him. So why do his eyes burn at the sight of the bracelet lacking any sign of him. 

“I have a lot of regrets. I think a lot about what I could’ve done differently but someone I love told me that I couldn’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. I couldn't help but-” she stops short, blinking up at him and laughing, “I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear my life’s story.”

Before she can turn away he taps her shoulder and flips the white board to her, “I want to hear it.”

Her eyes widen before she looks back up at him and her cheeks flush just a bit before she turns her back to him. He’s glad at this moment that she’s human again, this way he can still see the flush in her ears. He lets himself smile fondly while she isn’t looking. “W-well, I just… I felt like I should’ve made him want to be saved. I thought there had to be a way but none of that matters because I didn’t do it, and I couldn't save him. And I miss him. He’d be laughing in my face right now,” She chuckles and drags a hand down her face, “He’d probably call me a softy knowing damn well he's a bigger softy than me.”

Jax’s hand hovers over the whiteboard, prepared to write something along the lines of ‘No I am not’ but he stops. Hearing it directly from her that she, point blank, misses him. How? Why would she ever miss him? She seems happy with her life, she has all of her friends here, no Jax to argue with her pointlessly, no Jax to have to keep on abstraction watch, no Jax to stress about. So why is she… almost crying?!

“My bad, I shouldn’t be getting all worked up like this. I’ll let you get settled, lemme know if you need anything!” She says quickly before leaving and shutting the door behind her. He stands in the silence of the room for a long while before dropping his whiteboard on the table, groaning and dragging his hands down his face. Sulking on the couch takes about an hour before he explores the room and finds they've provided him with a few small items of clothing to wear if he had none. He thinks back to his cart still in the shop, and it will be until tomorrow. 

Opening his phone he finds the contact set as Liz and changes it to ‘Pom Pom”.

⊹ ˖ Ი𐑼

Somewhere between that and now he must have fallen asleep, because it’s now Seven am and someone is knocking on his door. He drags himself out of bed and stretches, grimacing at the twinge in his back. He drags his feet to the door and swings it open. Pomni again. He pretends not to perk up.

“Hey, Felix, Good Morning. You don’t look too good but that's besides the point. Do you want to go on a walk?” She asks, rocking on the balls of her feet. 

Jax tilts his head, raising an eyebrow at her. Before he can accidentally start speaking he snatches the whiteboard from nearby and writes “Why?”.

Pomni bristles a bit, “Oh, not to be weird but you just remind me of someone. I wanted to make sure you don’t.. Y’know hide.”

Eventually Jax nods, there's nothing wrong with indulging just a little bit, right? “I have to pick up my car, can we walk there?”

Nodding quickly and smiles, “Yeah, that sounds perfect! Uhm, do you wanna meet downstairs in a few minutes?”

Jax responds with a curt nod and watches Pomni walk away. His chest sinks with that swelling guilt. She has no idea she's talking to the idiot who betrayed her back then and he's taking advantage of it because what? Because he craves her presence? Her touch?

Yeah. That's pretty much exactly why and he’s too weak to resist it. He feels so at peace with her. He feels real and painfully seen. He craves the care and attention he offers, as shallow as it is. 

He has plenty of time to think it over and wallow in his self loathing as he brushes his hair, brushes his teeth, and showers quickly before heading downstairs. She catches his eyes when he finds her at the front desk and she looks him up and down just real quick before saying bye to who he recognizes as Ragatha. The sight of her does hit him in the feels after he'd seen her talking on TV about him but she'd told him before that she hates him. He’ll stay out of her way.

Pomni and him leave the building, walking quietly down a busy bustling street as the sun hangs overhead. “So,” Pomni starts, “You wrote in the paperwork that you don’t have a job but if you have money to put your car in the shop then…”

Realizing he’d left the whiteboard behind, Jax opens his phone to the notes and writes his response there, “Doordash.”

“Ah, I see. If you want an official job we have a whole system to help you prepare for interviews and find the right job. How does that sound?”

Jax offers a thumbs up and Pomni smiles, “I’ll set that up when we get back.”

In the sun he can see the slightest of red and blue reflected in Pomni's eyes. If she’d been cute in the circus, then here? In the sun as a normal human? He couldn’t help but stare. He’s having that problem a lot lately, he finds. Her hair is drifting in the wind, her eyes shine with the energy of someone who has a purpose, a reason to be alive. She moves with purpose, confident and happy, and beautiful. A stray strand of hair gets in her face and before he can think better of it, he reaches out and moves it out of the way. 

Pomni looks over at him and that beautiful shade of pink rushes to her cheeks again. He smiles. Stunning, and worth it. They cross the street to the mechanic. When they enter Jax writes down all that he wants to say on his phone and they unfortunately find out that his care needs about one more hour to be finished and cleared. He turns to Pomni, “Want to go eat somewhere?”

“Sure,” She answers, opening the door for him to exit. 

Jax nods, “I know a local place.”

Once she’s read his words she nods vigorously, “I love locally owned places.”

As they exit he listens to Pomni talk about something random and he admires her strength in silence. Knowing everything she’d gone through just to bounce back so quickly and making this whole support group he is begrudgingly impressed as she talks blandly about a corvette somewhere in the lot.

Throughout the remaining walk to the restaurant Jax gets to see that specific shade of pink many more times before Pomni finally tells him he has to stop or she’s going to beat him up. He found it amusing but backed off. 

They arrive and get seated by a familiar worker who says hi to him and then takes their orders. About halfway through the meal when Jax is jokingly about to dump water in Pomni’s alfredo he hears a familiar voice. “Felix, it’s been a while I was worried!” He flinches at the sound of June’s voice and he turns to face her, smiling and waving. The old woman’s smile falters a bit, “Are you alright?”

Jax nods and June’s smile completely disappears, “Why aren’t you talking?”

Anxiety twinges in the back of his neck but he grimaces and types on his phone, “Can’t speak.”

June’s eyes widen and she puts a hand on his shoulder, “What happened?”

“Long story,” He types back.

Pomni’s eyes are shifting between June and Jax skeptically and Jax’s heart is sinking in the nerves of his lies coming up. June seems to let it go, greeting Pomni and leaving them to eat. After a long awkward silence Pomni speaks up, “You weren’t born like that then, huh?”

Jax shakes his head solemnly, starting to think it's not worth lying to her anymore. “Can I ask what happened?” she whispers.

“I…” He deletes that and starts again, “There was an event that changed a lot for me. I guess I’m just hiding from the truth. Easier not to be expected to say anything, not to be expected to explain all of the things I’ve fucked up.”

Pomni stares, sinking into despair, “Would you talk to me then? Please? If you can?”

“Can’t,” Jax types back, avoiding Pomni’s striking eyes. 

They eat in relative silence until the check comes and Pomni refuses to let him pay for it. Once it's done June puts her number in his phone semi-forcefully and they begin to walk back. At some point Jax subconsciously starts walking behind Pomni, hiding. It doesn’t get past her. She pulls him up to walk next to her before getting fed up and stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, “Why do you do that?!”

He stops and types, “What?”
“You keep… hiding!” She frowns, “You think It’s safer to hide behind me, to stay outside, to put up walls and I just don’t get it! I mean, giving up your ability to speak for what? Self righteous guilt?”

Jax isn’t given enough time to elaborate before she narrows her eyes. They’re so close to the mechanic, he can see his car. If only she’d waited just a bit longer then at least he could drown this out with music. “When I saw you for the first time you really reminded me of someone I lost and I can’t just sit here and watch you do the exact same shit he did before-...” Her voice waivers, “Before I lost him.”

Staring is no the answer she's searching for so he types on his phone, “I met you yesterday-”

“And you know what?! That some shit he would say to avoid having to deal with the situation! You and him are like the exact same person and I can’t stand the idea of you self sabotaging yourself out of existence like he did,” Pomni grits her teeth, veins forming on her pretty face, “And all you can fucking do is stare at me! God, why can’t you just let me care about you Jax!”

Jax stares, shocked by this entire breakdown, paralyzed by the idea of Pomni catching him in a lie. However, the look of shock on her face afterwards sends a different message. She doesn’t think he’s actually Jax, somehow he’s just managed to hurt her exactly the same way. This was selfish, he knew it. He hurt her, AGAIN, all because he wanted to have her without the danger of letting her close. He didn’t want to face his past idiocy, but who is he kidding? It's nothing compared to his current idiocy.

“I… I’m sorry, Felix,” She huffs, brushing her hair back and shaking her head, “I didn’t mean to… Nevermind. Just, please keep trying. Don’t give up-”

Just as Jax thinks he's in the clear to wallow in his self loathing and soon run away so Pomni wouldn’t have to be bothered by his presence, he hears a familiar voice and spots a familiar corvette. “Hey!” a woman calls out brightly, waving from where she stands next to a nearby parked bright red corvette.

Jax’s heart audibly speeds up, oh shit. Mary and her crew don’t know him as Felix. They know him as-

“Jax, I’m glad to see you looking so healthy! How are you doing?” Mary asks joyfully, grinning even as Jax and Pomni are both entirely paralyzed. 

The horror on their faces seems to finally dawn on Mary and her smile sinks as she looks between them. He can feel Pomni’s eyes drilling into the side of his face and he wraps his arms around himself in defense, turning away. “I’m okay, Mary.”

The silence between them becomes obvious and Mary is startled when Pomni suddenly turns on her heel and makes a bee line for the mechanic. When she enters the building and disappears out of sight Jax’s shoulders fall, not in relief but in dread of what awaits him. 

“I-I’m sorry, is it something I said? Is she your girlfriend?” Mary grimaces and looks around guiltily, “I didn’t meant to-”

Jax shakes his head and whispers, “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

Mary stares for a while before Jax walks right by her, “I’ll see you around Mary.”

She watches him go and when he glances back he sees the red corvette peeling out and speeding down the street. Once he arrives at the door to the mechanic’s lobby he pauses, considering running away and dropping off the side of the earth again rather than facing her, but he decides she’d find him if she wanted to. 

He swings the door open and spots her sitting in the waiting chair. When she hears the bell she looks up and Jax meets her teary eyes with gut wrenching regret nearly chaining him to his spot. He walks quickly to the desk and gets his car keys. When he leaves, Pomni follows him. 

The drive back to the support building is quiet but once she’d looked around enough Pomni whispered, “You were living out of your car?”

Grimacing, Jax nods, keeping his eyes forward as he drives. “Is that why you weren’t talking? You didn’t want me to recognize you?”

“Yeah,” Jax mutters shakily, “It is.”

“Why? Do you realize how much I- we missed you? We all thought you were dead!” She reasons shakily.

He taps on the steering wheel and bites at his lip, “Pom, You remember how I was in the circus. I was an asshole, I ruined everything multiple times and you guys had to take shifts making sure I wouldn’t abstract. What about that is something you missed?”

“All of it!” Pomni says exasperatedly, “God, you are so fucked up Jax and I missed you. Did you not think me yelling at you to come with us back then meant anything? You know, most people don’t say things they don’t mean.”

Jax scowls, “People say shit they don’t mean all the time. I mean you liked to say you cred about me-”

“I meant that.” She says firmly, burning holes into the side of his head with her eyes. 

Chuckling, Jax shakes his head, “Oh come on Pom Pom, we both know that your life was better before I showed up. You were all smiley and then I showed up and now look at you.”

“I don’t care about that Jax. I care about you,” When he finally parks in his designated spot Pomni grabs his collar and makes him look at her, “You goddamn idiot. I don’t care if you think it isn’t good for me, I can make my own decisions. I know what I want.”

They stare back and forth for a long time. Both of them are so tense, the air in the car grows thick, tense and electric, “And what is it you think you want?”

“You,” Pomni whispers into the space between them. 

Faced with the answer to his guilt and worries so bluntly Jax doesn't know where to look, where to hide. His eyes are stuck on hers and he's reminded of the feeling of his skin being peeled off. This is a similar feeling, not in the pain but in the absolute exposure, the way she sees right through him. She understands without him having to speak, and she refuses to let him misinterpret her meaning. He gets it, but she continues to explain, knowing his tendency to sit in denial. 

“I want you, Jax,” She whispers, leaning closer to his face across the center console. The anger that had formerly consumed her face had now faded into something soft, caring, terrifying. “I don’t care that you are a massive asshole. I don’t care that you fucked up. I don’t care that you’re always stressing me out and putting up walls and hiding. You can work on that from your place by my side.”

She leans a bit close and Jax resists the urge to look away, facing Pomni as she presses her forehead to his, “You fucking suck, and I want you here with me. I tore myself apart everyday thinking about what happened to you back there. I don’t care what that voice in your head tells you, I’m better with you here.”

Jax is lost. His mind racing to find a reason to discredit her words, a reason to self district and push her away and run for the hills. But all of those feelings as old as time rain down on him like nothing compared to the hurricane of emotions that wash over him when she looks at him like that. 

Like he’s worth something. Like he's worth the struggle.

“I’m not good, Pomni. I’m a bad person and I can’t promise I can change overnight. I don’t want to hurt you,” He whispers weakly.

She smiles sadly, “Jax, I don’t care. It’ll take time and I’m prepared to help you. It would hurt me more if you disappeared on me again…”

Her eyes well up with tears and eventually drip down her face, so Jax raises his sweater sleeve to brush away the tears. He slips his hand out of his sleeve and continues to hold her face just to feel the warm human skin under his fingertips. 

“I’m sorry. I thought it was the only way to atone for what I did,” he whispers, resisting the tears threatening to come out.

Pomni shakes her head, “I know. Can you relax a bit? We’re safe. No abstracting, no running away, no hiding.”

At the way she addresses the walls, he instinctively wants to raise them even further, but then she looks at him and brushes her thumb across his cheek and he folds. The tears begin to fall, flowing uncontrollably down his face, caught by her soft hands as she whispers comforting words that should make him cringe but instead just make his shoulders slump. His head falls forward and she cradles it on her shoulder, running her fingers through his hair casually as if the contact alone wasn’t completely ruining him. 

His walls shatter violently, ugly as they go down and reveal the disgusting truth beneath. He trembles, shaking like a leaf in Pomni’s arms and begging for her forgiveness in warbled breaths and sobs. He's not sure how long he remains like that, and he's not sure when he stops crying, but the feeling of a hand in his hair and one rubbing his back keep him docile, not allowing him a chance to put the walls back up even if it feels natural to hurry and push her away. 

But she's so warm, and she wants him here. Maybe it’s childish but he can’t help but stay here, where life doesn't feel so painful, so lonely. “Jax..?” Pomni whispers. 

“Yeah?” He mumbles back, keeping his face buried in her shoulder as he sniffles. 

“You’re going to live with me,” She states. 

Not a question, not a suggestion, an order. Well, he did say he liked her in a position of power. It leaves less room for uncertainty and overthinking. 

“Yes ma'am," he whispers into her shoulder and grins.

Pomni chuckles and gives a sharp tug on his hair for the teasing title, “And I’m making you rejoin the group.”

This time Jax hesitates, unearthing his face from her hoodie to hook his chin over her shoulder, “Gangle and Zooble could never forgive me after what I did. Ragatha hates me too.”

“They don’t hate you. Did you know that we held a funeral for you? Every last one of us cried, you dick. Don’t you dare accuse them of not missing you. Even if you were dumb, that doesn’t mean we didn’t want you to escape with us.”

“You’re sure?” He whispers weakly. 

Pomni pushes him back just enough to look at him again, “I’m certain. Also, you didn’t tell me you had freckles.”

Jax frowns, “I don’t”

“You do,” Pomni grins, tapping random patterns on his cheeks to prove it. 

Sitting up he lowers his sun shield mirror and frowns at the sight of the freckles, “Oh, I guess I forgot about that…”

“They’re cute. It’s a plus,” She smirks. 

This time it’s Jax’s turn to turn a shade of pink and he turns away only for Pomni to lean as close to him as possible and grab his face so she could look at it, “Oh come one! You’re no fun. Lemme see.”

“I don’t know if you recall but Zooble already established that I hate fun- Hey- stop that!” He argues. 

Pomni is making her way nearly into his lap as she squishes his cheeks and takes a few pictures with her phone. She cackles and pats his head as he pouts up at her, “ Relax! I’m keeping these photos for myself. I won’t show anyone.”

He scowls, secretly grateful that his face is already flushed, saving him from the embarrassment of her noticing him getting redder. “Whatever…”

“Jax?” She asks smugly, he doesn't turn around

“Come on, Jax look at me,” She says.

She huffs, “Jax come on, stop pouting and look at me.”

“What?” He mumbles, definitely NOT pouting. 

Pomni smiles and cups his face in her hands, “If you’re ever feeling lonely or unloved or sad you should let me know so I can fix it.”

“Bold of you to assume you can just fix it. It’s not that simple,” He huffs. 

“Oh really?” She asks cooly. 

“Yeah, really, “ he answers sarcastically.

She tilts her head, looking at him in that smug awfully distracting way, “How are you feeling now?”

“What?” He frowns, trying to ignore the human weight of her in his lap.

Pomni rolls her eyes and turns his head so she can talk directly in his ear, “Do you feel lonely, unloved, or sad at this very moment?”

His cheeks flush all over again at the apparent manhandling but he responds honestly, weakly to Pomni in this form, “No…”

“So, I’d say that's veritably fixed,” She smirks, watching him not struggling to keep eye contact.

“I guess.” He mutters, wrapping his arms around her to keep her close. 

She nods curtly, “Good!”

A slap flies across his cheek and he is frozen in shock and awe until he feels her press a short kiss to the same spot, “Ow.”

He stares up at her in confused betrayal and she shrugs, “You deserved that.”

As she climbs back into the passenger seat Jax frowns, trying to pretend that didn’t sting a bit. He shuts off the car and climbs out of the car with Pomni, she leads him to the stairwell into the building where she stopped him before they could enter the lobby from this back entrance. 

“Hey,” She frowns, “Are you feeling sad, unloved, or lonely?”

“No,” He lies casually and immediately Pomni sends him a deadpan glare. So, he changed his answer, “A little, why?”

Pomni rolls her eyes, “It’s okay, one day you’ll just tell me and I won’t have to ask. It was the slap, huh?”

“It’s fine, I know I deserved it,” he brushes her off but she pulls him back over.

Leaning up on her tip toes she raises up and drops another kiss on his other cheek. Freezing, he blinks down at her, “What was that for?”

“Sacrificing yourself for all of us,” She grabs his hand, interlacing their fingers together as they enter the Lobby, “If you want more then behave and play nice.”

He’s not terribly interested in playing nice but when they are able to get all the way up to what must be Pomni’s apartment with no interruptions. Just as the elevator is about to open on floor twenty five it asks for a keycard. Jax is confused until Pomni uses her keycard and it opens to a small hall into a huge penthouse suite. On a little sign next to the main front door is a plaqu with the following names: 

Elizabeth

Jenna

Marsha

Jillian

Grant

Queenie

The ‘Queenie’ at the end is slightly different in font so he can assume it was added later. “This whole place is our apartment, but everyone has their own rooms and wings. Don’t worry, they’re not home right now,” Pomni explains. 

He follows her to her room, or more, her wing of the penthouse. She leaves him sitting on the bed and wanders around organizing things and filling out some paperwork, probably to officially move Jax from his room to the penthouse. They spend a while just sitting watching TV and it takes all of five minutes for Pomni to notice how hopelessly tragic he is at asking for physical touch so she just holds his hand. 

They make fun of the shitty trash television people and Jax is so relaxed it would be scary if it wasn’t so nice. Halfway through Pomni asks if he wants food and when he says yes he expects her to order but instead he’s roped into learning how to make risotto with her. He struggles and is definitely not gifted at cooking, he manages and the end product is so good he has no choice but to genuinely compliment it. 

Pomni boxes up the leftovers and labels them as available for anyone to eat and brings him back to her room. Jax gets the chance to shower, and finally change into a pajama set that mostly fits. When he exits the bathroom drying his hair he sees Pomni still watching trash TV. 

“I’m starting to think love isn’t blind,” he jokes, looking over at Pomni who he now realizes is wearing a matching pajama set, “Just a hunch though.”

Pomni shrugs, “I don't know. We’re together after meeting when I looked like a jester and you looked like a purple rabbit.”

Jax stops short and stares at her, “We’re together..?”

“Huh?” Pomni looks up at him and her ears flush a bit, “Only if that's what you want…” 

“It is,” Jax admits quietly before walking to the bed and settling in next to Pomni. 

They spend hours just rotting in bed yelling at the contestants on the show until Pomni shuts it off as they struggle to keep their eyes open. Once all of the lights are off, they stare at each other. Although they can barely see each other Jax continues to admire her and begins to realize that she is doing the same.

“Something on my face?”

“Yeah, freckles.”

“Oh shut up, you can’t even see them in the dark.”

“Can’t I?”

“No you can’t. But you know what I can see?”

“What?”

“Those fuck me eyes you’ve been giving me all day.”

“Oh shut the hell up, I was yelling at you though half the day.”

“And?”

“Oh my god…”

“Fine, I was joking. Kinda.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“...”

“Jax?”

“Hm?”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m… comfortable.”

“Oh, so you don’t need a kiss?”

“I wouldn't mind one.”

“Fine, but next time I’ll make you ask for it.”

“Kinky.”

“Shut up.”

This time the kiss is not on the cheek, and Jax doesn’t doubt his place here. 

There’s no guilt this time. 

Perhaps this is where he was always meant to be.

⊹ ˖ Ი𐑼