Work Text:
Hermione: I love you. I love you. I love you. I’m torn up about it, though, because of that time I had an orgasm while you raped me.
Draco: I killed Longbottom yesterday.
Hermione: Oh.
Draco: If I hadn’t, someone else would have been ordered to find and kill him.
Hermione: I’m sure. Well, so, I still want to be with you but you raped me so it’s weird.
Draco: Granger, I hate how you make me feel. I’m completely obsessed with you and want what’s best for you and I hate that. I can’t help it ever since you had sex with me that one time.
Hermione: You want to choose what’s best for me, regardless of my own wishes.
Draco: Well . . .. yeah.
Hermione: And that one time I first had sex with you… that bothers me because you basically blackmailed me into it. It was also sort of rape-y. I think of myself as a whore a lot now.
Draco: It was dub-con at worst. We took a really, really, REALLY long time to get there, so it wasn’t as rape-y. Anyway, it touched me. So now I do everything required to be with you and keep you safe, even keeping you in sexual slavery “Handmaid” style and killing all your friends.
Snape (looking up from a cauldron. He’s brewing a potion he designed to let the imbibers know if their relationship is a good idea or not. It’s almost ready.): How is killing all her friends necessary? Draco, you’re an extremely powerful wizard, right? You can kill whole armies in minutes with no effort?
Draco: Yes.
Snape: And you are extremely wealthy with resources and access that no one else has, right?
Draco: Yes.
Snape: And you took an unbreakable vow to help the order, right?
Draco: Yes.
Snape: But yesterday, you didn’t fake Longbottom’s death or help him hide or just ignore him. You Avada Kedavra’ed him. Which takes a lot of intent and hate in your heart.
Draco: I killed McGonnagall this morning, too.
Snape: Undoubtedly. To help the order, I’m sure?
Draco: No way to avoid it.
Hermione: I love him, Snape. Draco, I love you. I love you. I love you. I’m conflicted that I want to touch you and also don’t want to touch you because you raped me.
Snape: Hermione, your sexual encounters with Draco are clearly on your mind and I’m your oldest living friend/mentor. Do you want to tell me about the… breaching?
Hermione: God, no. And PLEASE don’t call it a breaching.
Draco: Perhaps you’ll recall that I was also forced to have sex that I didn’t want to? and consider that we were both victims of sexual coersion? Instead of constantly calling me a rapist?
Hermione: I love you. You raped me. There are a lot of varieties of rape that are not quite rape between us.
Draco: Fine. Look, I’m… not a good person. You are one of exactly two people I’ve ever cared about, so you should get away and live without me. Also, I killed some other order members last week. But remember, I only did it because they were in my way.
Snape: This is surprisingly good advice. You should follow it immediately, Hermione, and leave him. I’ll help.
Hermione: His actions have saved hundreds. I’ll never leave him.
Snape: And all those same hundreds, plus thousands more, are dead now. Most of them he Avada Kedavra’ed himself.
Hermione: That curse is instant. He uses it because he doesn’t want them to suffer. It shows that he’s a good person. I LOVE HIM. I love him. I love him.
Snape: Do you always have to say it THREE times? Is it a ritual or something? Also, not being a sadist is not the same thing as being a good person. Clearly. In fact, many sadists are quite lovely people who take care to always have active consent from their play partners.
Draco: You’re always evangelizing your lifestyle, Severus. We get it, you’re kinky. It’s not for us. I’m far too obsessive to ever let Hermione do anything fun. Our HEA will involve me secluding her on an island with NO OTHER COMPANY (other than our poor child) until we die.
Snape: Hermione, you realize he has you under a love spell or an imperius or something, right? Did BOTH of you fall into a vat of amortentia? None of this makes any sense.
Draco: I knew she was the only one for me when I told her how I AK’ed one of the Creevey boys as they ran away from me and she interpreted it as a “mercy” killing.
Snape: Muggles have names for this. Stockholdm syndrome. Trauma bonding.
Hermione: But the fans LOVE It! They love it. They love it. They love it.
Draco: I crucio’ed thousands of fans and AK’ed a few dozen of them this morning.
Snape: That explains it. The fans are feeling the trauma bond, too. ***Realizes the potion won’t help. Points wand at self*** I just need to get OUT of this world. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Hermione, after a few moments, raises an eyebrow at Snape: You can’t AK yourself.
Snape: Unfortunately. But Draco hasn’t killed one of your childhood friends or mentors in half a day, so perhaps he could do me the favor?
Draco: Happy to help. Only one other person from the original IP is allowed to survive this fic, anyway. Well, and a few of the handmaidens but they are barely there. Anyway, that’s how you know it’s complex, it’s handling mature themes, it’s Real Literature! Also because it’s stuffed with all the gazillions of graphic descriptions of bodily mutilations the author could think of. But as I’m the protagonist, I won’t brutally torture you. Just kill you.
Snape (groaning): Shut up and do it already!
Draco: Avada Kedavra!
A green light flashed.