Chapter Text
It’s just after 1am when Steve hears the sound of someone struggling to get their key into the lock. He bolts up out of a the half-sleep he’d drifted into, only to relax back into the sofa when he realizes it’s only Bucky. He’d been determined to wait up for him but Bucky came back much later than he expected and the tiredness of a long day at work had caught up with him.
Steve watches as the door finally swings open to reveal a clearly intoxicated Bucky. He bends down to remove his shoes and falls sideways into the wall with a muttered curse. His bleary eyes search through the darkness and his gaze meets Steve’s shocked face.
Bucky never gets drunk like this unless something is really wrong. Steve can’t even remember the last time he saw him this way. Bucky enjoys going out for a drink after working all day at the docks as much as the next fella’, but getting this bad is a rarity for him. Though even is his drunken disarray Steve can’t help the appreciative glance he gives to Bucky’s strong muscular arms and chest and his eyes get caught on the bright red of his lips. They look swollen as if he’s been biting at them. He looks away quickly and hopes Bucky is too inebriated to notice.
“Buck what’s got you like this? Everything alright?” Steve questions with a concerned furrow in his brow. Bucky’s hand reaches toward him as though he wants to try and smooth the wrinkles down but he stops mid-air and lets his arm drop back down.
“Na-h Stevie I’m just fi-ne.” he hiccups as he stumbles over to flop down on the worn out couch next to his best friend. Steve watches him glance up and a look of defeat passes over Bucky’s suddenly weary features. He knows he’s no match for the stubborn set of Steve’s jaw and the determination in his eyes. Steve wants the truth and he intends to get it.
“Bucky don’t give me that. I can see there’s something wrong, it’s written all over your face. Don’t ya’ trust me?” There’s now a note of hurt in his voice as if Bucky’s reluctance to spill his guts has made Steve doubt their entire friendship. Can’t Bucky see he just wants to help?
Bucky leans forward and rests his head in his hands, breathing heavily for a moment before standing up and sloppily pacing the length of the living room. He seems increasingly agitated and Steve’s heart is pounding. What could be so bad that Bucky, normally so cool and collected, is reduced to a shaking, pacing, drunk?
“Bucky? You’re scarin’ me. Come over here and tell me what this is all about. You know you can tell me anything”, Steve says in an attempt to soothe Bucky. But even he can hear the anxiety in his own voice.
Bucky stops his pacing and returns to the couch looking rattled. He turns and takes Steve’s small hands in his own larger ones and looks into his eyes. The look Steve sees there shakes him to the core. Bucky looks to be near tears and he looks truly afraid. Steve is about to demand answers once again when Bucky opens his mouth and finally begins speaking.
“Stevie, I’ve been thinkin’ a lot and I know what I’m about to say is gonna ruin things between us for good but I just can’t keep pretending anymore. All the dames… So many dames..”, he breaks off mumbling to himself before breathing deeply and continuing.
“And every time I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like if it was you instead. What if I was kissing you instead, Stevie. I can’t get your eyes out of my mind and it’s killing me. I’m sick I know. I know it’s wrong, but I’m in love with you and I can’t keep lyin' anymore. No amount of booze or dames is gonna’ get you out of my head”, his voice trails off and he nervously glances up at Steve’s face. Steve knows he looks shocked, his mouth is hanging slightly open and his eyes are wide.
“I’ll be out of here by tomorrow Stevie, you don’t gotta’ worry bout having a queer in your home anymore”, Bucky slurs and begins dejectedly pulling away from Steve and shifting to get up off the couch.
Steve breaks out of his momentary stupor and tightens his grip on Bucky’s hands before he can manage to get away. He musters up all his courage and flings his body towards Bucky’s, smashing their lips together in a messy, inexperienced kiss. He can taste the alcohol on Bucky’s lips but underneath there is the overwhelming taste he can only describe as Bucky.
He feels Bucky’s lips finally respond to his as he seems to register that yes, Steve Rogers just kissed him instead of kicking him out. Bucky’s arms tighten around Steve and he deepens the kiss. Steve hears himself let out an embarrassing whimper and Bucky responds with a low growl in the back of his throat. He reaches up and tangles his slim fingers in the hair at the base of Bucky’s skull and tugs, delighted at the moan he gets in response.
He is sprawled out across Bucky’s lap with one leg on either side of his waist. Bucky rocks his hips up against Steve’s and he can feel Bucky’s hardness pressed against the juncture of his hip and thigh. He pulls impatiently at Bucky’s button-down and manages to get the first few buttons undone before Bucky bats his hands out of the way and undoes the rest before pushing the shirt off. He quickly tugs Steve’s undershirt over his head and takes a moment to stare hungrily at how beautiful Steve’s delicate collarbones and ribs look in the darkness.
“Beautiful Steve, you’re so goddamn beautiful”, Bucky whispers reverently and Steve feels his face heat up in self-consciousness at Bucky’s words and the way his eyes seem to be devouring him.
As Bucky’s hands slowly glide down toward the button of Steve’s slacks, Steve suddenly pushes his hands away and moves off of Bucky’s lap and back onto the couch.
Bucky gives Steve a sad and resigned look as if he'd been expecting this all along. “Stevie… It’s alright I get it you just made a mistake. We can just forget all about it. You’re nothin' like me, you’re normal”, he says gently.
Steve’s head shoots up quickly, “No Buck no you’ve got it all wrong. I want this, I want you, and I have for so long now, it’s just I don’t wanna' do this when you’re drunk. I wanna' make sure that what happens between us is real”.
A small smile forms on Bucky’s lips and Steve swears he can see the love practically shining from Bucky’s eyes as he takes in Steve’s explanation. “Alright Stevie, whatever you want, but I promise I’ll want this just as bad tomorrow. Why don’t we get to bed so I can sleep this off?” Bucky grins as he unsteadily stands up from the couch and offers Steve his hand.
Steve grabs on tightly and allows himself to be pulled into an upright position. “That sounds great Buck”, Steve smiles up at him shyly. He intertwines his small soft fingers with Bucky’s labor hardened ones and feels a burst of warmth in his chest at this new display of affection.
He leads a still swaying Bucky down the hall to the bedroom they share and they both flop down on the stiff mattress. Steve turns his head to the side and they both spend a moment staring at each other. Slowly Bucky moves closer and presses a gentle kiss to Steve’s lips and whispers a soft “Goodnight punk”, before wrapping his arms around Steve and falling asleep almost instantly.
Steve lies awake for a little while longer, unable to wipe the smile off of his face. He feels so safe and warm held in Bucky’s arms, hoping that in the morning they might be able to finish what they’d started earlier. The knowledge that the feelings Steve had kept hidden for so long now were not only out in the open, but returned, is the best surprise he could have hoped for. He drifts to sleep imagining the days to come and feeling genuinely happy for the first time in years.