Chapter Text
The air in the KQ dance studio hung heavy, thick with the scent of sweat and stale energy drinks. Days bled into nights, marked only by the shifting numbers on the studio clock and the growing exhaustion etched onto every face. Comeback preparations were a relentless beast: photoshoots, endless vocal and rap takes, variety show content, interviews, music show run-throughs, and the looming shadow of MAMA, a special stage demanding a choreography that pushed their limits and forced them to put all of their focus on preparing for it.
Xikers, known for their boundless energy and youthful wit, now held a constant weary pace. While the group managed to joke around, their eyes held a persistent, dull fatigue, and their attempts at humor just didn’t hit the same. Even Yechan, always laughing and jumping around every time he could, moved with a distinct lack of bounce.
Seeun couldn’t wait until MAMA was over. He didn’t really care about comeback promotions, Xikers knew how to move around them like a well-oiled machine after two years of idol life. But the special stage was doing amazing things at putting them all on edge, Seeun noticed.
Minjae, as leader, was constantly working, running himself into the ground trying to keep them all happy and healthy. He kept having talks with their managers, trying to give them more time to rest, and then producing until late hours of the night.
Hunter kept forgetting to take care of himself in favor of polishing dance moves for their stage, often dragging Yujun and Junghoon with him. Jinsik has been stress-drawing since they were informed about MAMA, and Yechan has been practicing his rap lines non stop, asking everyone around him their opinion.
By now, Seeun couldn’t help but to be a bit worried and kind of (very) annoyed with his members’ lack of self care. If he chose to ignore his own headache and shaking hands in favor of trying to keep the mood up for everyone, then that was his own problem.
Seeun, though, couldn’t help but to be especially worried about a particular member, Junmin. He’s noticed his older friend’s been carrying a different kind of stress and exhaustion than the others. Junmin had spent the previous week in meetings with the choreography team, refining their most complex sequences, and now felt personally responsible for any delays. Compounding this, his lines for one of the B-sides weren't sitting right; the emotion felt forced, the producers kept saying, and demanding retakes.
It was obvious these sudden loads of responsibility were weighing on his hyung. His eyes were constantly unfocused, clearly somewhere else, and he started to pull away from the few jabs and jokes that Xikers threw at each other in an attempt to lift their own spirits. Even at the dorms, Junmin would go straight to shower, eat, then sleep. It wasn’t very different from the others’ routine, but it was clear that Junmin just wasn’t having a good time.
So, Seeun decided to put all of his focus into taking some of his hyung’s load off his shoulders the only way he knew best; by putting his unlimited charm and annoying little brother energy into his groupmates, trying to draw a laugh or smile from the older. He couldn’t exactly take on his hyung’s responsibilities because he knew he lacked the abilities Junmin had, but he could try to be a source of comfort for the other, someone the older could lean into when things got too hard.
He’d draw Junmin into conversation every time he could, always making sure to focus his jokes and disses to other members, all with the intent of making the older laugh. He’d also make sure the older was eating well, and not forgetting to drink water. Seeun knew he could be annoying, but also knew that Junmin appreciated every time he’d bump hips with him, or put an arm around his shoulders. Seeun had even spent a night or two in the older’s bed, saying he couldn’t sleep when really he wanted to make sure Junmin was resting instead of working.
"Again!" the choreographer's voice boomed, cutting through the music and Seeun’s worried thoughts. He pointedly ignored his swimming vision and ragged breath, and snapped back into position along with the others. He also decided to ignore Minjae’s worried look thrown his way, it wasn’t really the right time to break down when other members, like Junmin, needed the leader’s attention more.
Seeun would be center for one of the two dance breaks the group would have during the special stage; “Junmin’s doing” their choreographer had said, and Seeun was grateful, truly, that his hyung thought him capable enough to carry their team during such an important event. The opportunity would be much more enjoyable if Seeun’s health knew when to stay in check but, unfortunately, it didn’t. He kept swaying after landing one particular spin, and had a persistent cough that he kept trying to muffle so as to not worry the others.
It had started a few days ago, a dull headache behind his eyes that stayed consistent throughout the day. Then came the coughing, and a dizziness that threatened to throw him over every time he danced. Seeun tried to work around it, taking more breaks for water with the excuse his skin was breaking out from dehydration, so as to not draw attention to himself, but even drinking more water was proving fruitless by now.
He also knew that some of the more perceptive members, like Minjae and Sumin, had noticed his decline in health, but honestly, he didn’t care. He focused all of his attention into doing his part like he was supposed to, and not adding any more stress to Junmin, who counted on him to perform his role well.
As soon as practice ended, everyone was quick to slump down to the floor. Some members had enough energy to reach for their water bottles, or rush to the bathroom after neglecting their needs for hours. Head pounding and eyes burning, Seeun wanted nothing more than to fall to the floor into a mess of limbs and stay there forever; maybe grow a few branches or flowers like a newly planted bush would.
Deciding it was a good idea, he was about to execute his plan, maybe in a less (or not) dramatic way than originally planned, but he was interrupted by a very annoying image: Junmin, instead of getting his ass on the floor and resting for a bit, was looking through the recording they did of their practice, trying to perfect every little detail.
Stupid hyung.
Seeun really couldn’t wait until these promotions from hell were over so that his members could finally rest and stop neglecting themselves. With a sigh, he abandoned his plan of transforming into a rather large bush inside of KQ’s practice room’s floor, and instead went over to his hyung, determined to get him to relax for a bit.
“Hyung, your brain is going to escape out of your head if you keep forcing it to think.” Seeun leaned against Junmin, his voice a little hoarse. “Woah, your shoulder is so firm, like a rock.”
"Stop bothering me, you brat," Junmin muttered, though a faint smile touched his lips. He didn't push Seeun away. He counted that as a victory.
“I will if you stop looking at that video and sit down with me,” Seeun said in a whiny tone, hoping it’d be enough to convince Junmin to take a break with him. “I swear if I’m not on the floor in the next two minutes, I’ll cry.”
For a few seconds, Seeun thought Junmin hadn’t heard him, or he just straight up ignored him, since he remained silent, eyes still on the video in his hands. He was about to start complaining again (he prided himself in his annoyingness) when Junmin sighed, lowered his head and turned off the video.
“I guess I could use a break,” his hyung said, almost like it hurt him to admit, and sat on the ground against one of the room’s mirrors. Seeun almost jumped in celebration from a job well done. He would’ve, if jumping didn’t mean he’d probably pass out on the spot.
Seeun, deciding he didn’t wanna risk Junmin regretting his choice, sat alongside him and rested his head on the older’s thigh. As soon as Seeun’s head hit his newly human pillow, he let out a contented sigh; finally, the world around him stopped spinning for a bit. He suppressed another dry cough, his body tensing up, and prayed that Junmin didn’t notice.
It seemed like his prayers were answered, thankfully.
He was happy just existing next to his hyung when two other people joined them, bringing some food with them. Jinsik sat first, lowering a plastic bag with ramen and tteokkbokki inside. He carried a small pout on his face. Next sat Yujun, who snatched Jinsik’s bag out of his hands and started digging through it as soon as he sat down.
“Junmin-hyung, I have to thank you,” Yujun said, mouth already full with food and spitting everywhere. Seeun looked at him with mild disgust on his face. “I don’t know how you did it, but Seeun’s finally left us alone and decided you were his next target.”
Seizing the opportunity to lighten the mood, Seeun feigned offense at Yujun’s comment. “Yujun-ah! You hurt me, I thought you loved being babied by your older brother?”
“We’re literally the same age, Seeun-ah,” Yujun scoffed, and took another bite from his food. “Anyways, I certainly don’t miss being squished to death. Do you, Jinsik-hyung?”
Jinsik, who was offering food to Junmin and pretending to ignore the fight going on, hummed, pout still on. “Well… I wouldn’t say I miss being followed to the bathroom every night, but these days a few Seeun hugs wouldn’t be unwelcome.”
Yujun looked at Jinsik, betrayed by the sudden change of heart, while Seeun laughed. His laugh made his headache worse, so he quickly replaced it with a smug smirk.
“See, Yujun-ah? Even Jinsik-hyung admits I’m great at giving love. You’re just trying to annoy me so I start giving you attention again,” Seeun said, enjoying the offended look on Yujun's face. “Too bad, though, Junmin-hyung has proved to be a very comfortable surface to lay on.”
“But Junmin-hyung is bony,” Jinsik murmured, still pouting. “I’m much softer.”
Junmin chuckled faintly, rubbing a hand absentmindedly over Seeun’s hair, seemingly still lost in his own thoughts.
Seeun just snuggled deeper, pleased that the shift was noticed by his usual targets, as this would keep them engaged in mock complaints, allowing Junmin to simply absorb the warmth and touch without conversation.
“Seeun-ah, you okay?” a voice called out from the other side of the room. “You’re looking a little pale.” It was Hyunwoo, stretching in the corner with a frown on his face and looking directly at him. Jinsik and Yujun stopped bickering, looking his way too.
Fuck. Think fast.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah, hyung. Just a little tired. This choreography is no joke, huh?" He forced a bright smile, hoping it would be enough to satiate his hyung’s worry.
Hyunwoo looked like he wanted to argue, maybe push some more, but decided against it. Instead, he simply nodded, disbelief written on his face, and went back to stretching. Jinsik and Yujun dropped it too, and kept eating their food.
Seeun was about to close his eyes, relieved, when he noticed Junghoon was watching him, too. It was clear that, like Hyunwoo, he also didn’t believe his weak excuse. His face was expressionless as ever, but Seeun could tell something kind of like concern in his eyes. He was worried Junghoon would maybe press on, draw attention back to Seeun, but the slightly older boy simply nodded at him and went back to his phone.
Seeun couldn’t say he was a believer, but at that moment, he thanked whatever God was helping him go under his members' radars.
The next day brought another relentless schedule, a photoshoot. The flash of cameras served as a constant assault on their already strained eyes. Seeun, dressed in a tight white top and a dark hoodie over it, was hoping the suffering would end soon. Each click of the shutter sent a jolt through his skull, a dull throb deepening behind his eyes. The bright studio lights felt like daggers. He swallowed, a wave of nausea rising in his throat. ‘I just need to get through this.’ He thought, changing poses for the next shot. ‘I got it.’
Finally, after what felt like hours but truthfully was probably around 40 minutes, Seeun got the chance to have a quick break. He found himself next to Hunter, who was waiting for his turn while dabbing his sweaty forehead with care, trying not to ruin his makeup.
"You good, Seeunie?" Hunter asked, his voice a calm murmur. "You look a little... green."
Seeun forced a laugh. He was getting tired of his members’ prodding questions. "Green? Am I turning into a monster, Hunter-ah? Maybe I should ask the stylist for green contacts." He leaned against the cool wall, trying to steady himself. "I’m just hungry."
Hunter's brow furrowed, but he didn't press. He knew Seeun's stubborn streak better than anyone, and Seeun thanked him for it. "Eat something. I'll get you a snack."
"No, no, I'm fine," Seeun waved a dismissive hand while lightly shaking his head, then regretted the sudden movement as his vision swam. "Really."
Hunter, still unsure, nodded at him, and Seeun took it as a sign to get out of there as fast as his legs could carry him, lest the other decided to keep prodding.
Later that day, in the vocal booth, Junmin struggled with a particular high-pitched note, his voice cracking slightly. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Again," he told the engineer, his voice laced with frustration.
Seeun, waiting for his turn, watched him with slight worry. He saw the tension in Junmin's shoulders, the way his jaw clenched. He knew that feeling, the pressure to deliver, to be perfect. So he decided to try and lift up the mood once again, choosing to ignore the raging headache weakening his train of thought. He nudged Yechan.
"Yechanie, did you hear that? Junmin-hyung sounds like he’d have a better shot at rapping some of your lines."
Yechan, always ready to play along, gasped dramatically. "Oh no! Is our Junmin-hyung losing his touch? You know I could always make some space for you on the rapline, hyungie."
Junmin, despite his fatigue, cracked a small smile. "You two are lucky I'm too tired to chase you."
Seeun grinned. "See? He still has some fight left." The small victory, a fleeting moment of lightness, was enough.
Sitting beside Yechan, Minjae caught Seeun’s eye and smiled at him, grateful. The leader had been trying to get Junmin to rest, unsuccessful. Seeun smiled back at him.
He ignored the hammering in his head, the persistent cough that scratched at his throat. As long as Junmin was okay, then he would be too. He could crash after promotions ended.
The days blurred into a monotonous cycle of practice, recording, and filming. Sleep became a luxury, food an afterthought. Seeun's condition worsened; a slow, insidious creep. The headaches became migraines, the cough a persistent rattle in his chest. Loud noises, bright lights, even the subtle sway of a camera, triggered waves of dizziness and nausea. A fever, a low-grade burn at first, began to climb, leaving him perpetually chilled and soaked in sweat. He learned to push through, to hide the tremors in his hands and the faint sheen of sweat on his forehead. He couldn’t crash, not now. Not when they were so close to sweet relief.
One evening, after another grueling practice, the members naturally gathered in the dorm’s living room. Minjae, slumped on the sofa, scrolled through his phone, a distant look in his eyes. Junmin, nursing a cup of tea, stared blankly at the wall. Sumin sketched idly on his ipad, a deep frown revealing his beloved hobby was doing nothing at relieving his stress.
"I swear, my brain is just static," Yujun mumbled, rubbing his temples. "I can't remember the last time I slept for more than four hours."
"Four hours? Luxury," Jinsik groaned, flopping onto the couch next to Minjae. "My bed feels like a distant memory."
Seeun, curled in an armchair, tried to contribute, but his voice came out a whisper. "Maybe we should... all just sleep here tonight. Less effort." He closed his eyes, the room spinning. God, he wished nothing more than to have one of his mom’s warm dishes she’d make every time he fell sick. Maybe miyeokguk. He could always order some.
"Seeun-ah, you look like a ghost. Go to bed." Minjae’s worried voice took him out of his thoughts. He was too tired to fight back like he wanted to.
"I'm fine, hyung," Seeun weakly mumbled, forcing his eyes open. He saw Junmin glance his way, a fleeting look of worry. He couldn't let them know, not now. Not when everyone was already so strained. He could wait it out a few more days. Maybe order some miyeokguk and pretend it was his mother’s making.
It was 11PM on a Friday night. Xikers was going through one of their last full run-throughs of their MAMA stage. The tedious and powerful choreography left everyone gasping, sweat plastering their hair to their foreheads and soaking their clothes. MAMA hadn’t arrived yet, and Seeun was already over it. He wanted nothing more than to sleep 10 hours straight without being bothered. Maybe shower first.
As soon as the song ended, everyone sagged and dropped to the floor like puppets who had their strings cut. Seeun remained standing, not sure if he’d be able to get up again if he sat down. He instead leaned against the cool, mirrored wall, the polished surface doing little to soothe the inferno behind his eyes.
His head throbbed, a relentless drumbeat that drowned out the voices of the others. He swallowed, the familiar dryness in his throat making him cough, a harsh, hacking sound he tried to stifle. His ears were ringing from the constant loud music he’d been hearing since 12PM that day, and now were trying to adjust to only hearing his members’ ragged breathing. He wiped away some sweat from his forehead and attempted to manage his wet hair, then took a look around the room, making sure everyone was alright.
His eyes quickly found Yechan and Yujun already on the floor, resting. The former was trying to drag Hunter to the floor with them, while Yujun was looking through his phone, probably ordering food even though they’d eaten dinner not even two hours ago. They were all joking, so Seeun figured he’d join them later and soak up their warmth while he stayed quiet, trying to stop his raging migraine by sheer will power.
Junghoon and Hyunwoo were close by, resting against the mirrors making small talk and drinking water. Seeun couldn’t tell what they were talking about since they were basically whispering, but Junghoon’s knowing eyes kept meeting his. It was possible that they were talking about him, but his mushed brain couldn’t really find the power to be worried about it at the moment, so Seeun looked away in a hurry, trying to find another distraction.
Lastly, Minjae, Sumin and Jinsik were still standing, trying to stretch their limbs. Jinsik kept trying to hug Sumin, but the other was not having it.
“Jinsik-ah, I usually don’t mind the hugs, but you’re really sweaty!” Sumin pushed the pouty boy once again while Minjae laughed at them. “Go hug someone else!”
Seeun smiled slightly at their fight, knowing that laughing would just make his migraine worse. He thought about trying to hug Sumin as well, and how the older, instead of pushing him away, would probably just notice his high temperature. Then everyone would know that his sweat was not only from practice, but something else altogether.
Yeah, hugs were a no-no until after MAMA.
Seeun was about to move over to Yujun and Yechan, ready to rest for a bit, when he noticed someone was missing from his inspection.
Junmin-hyung.
Junmin had been, once again, reviewing the recording of the rehearsal. The video was currently paused, and the older was pacing back and forth, clearly working overtime inside his own head. His eyes, usually soft, held a sharp, almost manic gleam. He looked coiled, like a spring about to snap. It was scary. How could no one else notice the state Junmin was in?
A flicker of worry, a familiar ache in his chest, stirred within Seeun. He desperately wanted to break the tension on his hyung’s body.
Seeun pushed off the wall, a faint dizziness making him sway. He ignored it and instead forced a smile, a spark of mischief igniting in his dull eyes. He sauntered towards Junmin, who was still pacing, lost in his own mind.
“Junminie-hyung,” Seeun’s voice, though a little hoarse, carried a playful lilt. “If you pace any harder, you’re gonna choreograph a solo for the floor.”
It was a perfectly classic Seeun joke; snarky, slightly ridiculous, and designed to force a smile. He even ended it with a sweet, affectionate nudge to Junmin's arm.
Seeun noticed that his joke was a mistake very quickly. The words, intended to disarm, instead landed like a punch. Junmin’s head snapped up, the adrenaline-fueled focus in his eyes hardening into something sharp, something cold. The air around him seemed to crackle.
“What did you just say?” Junmin’s voice, low and dangerous, cut through everyone’s own little bubbles.
Seeun could practically feel everyone turning around to watch them, the room suddenly going quiet. What just a few seconds ago had been a chill, fun ambient, had now turned tense.
Seeun’s smile faltered, a chill creeping down his spine. This wasn't the reaction he'd expected. “Hyung, I was just—"
“Just being a pain in the ass, that’s what you were doing!” Junmin took a step forward, his chest heaving. His face, usually open and kind, twisted into a mask of fury. Seeun had never seen his usually cute hyung like this. “Always with the smart remarks, always trying to undermine everything. Do you ever just shut up?”
The sudden volume and ferocity of Junmin’s tone made Seeun flinch, his vision swimming for a second. Behind Junmin, he saw Hunter, who had been quietly sipping water, lower his bottle; his eyes narrowing. Minjae, halfway across the room, spun around, a frown deepening on his face. Sumin and Jinsik followed.
“Hyung, I didn’t mean it like that,” Seeun tried again, his voice softer. He held his hands up, trying to placate the older. The anger radiating from Junmin was overwhelming, almost like he was trying to suffocate Seeun with it.
“Oh, you didn’t?” Junmin scoffed. His voice kept rising, raw with frustration. He closed the distance between them, invading Seeun’s personal space. Seeun wanted to step back, get some distance between him and his hyung, but fear paralyzed him in place. Junmin’s breath, hot and heavy, fanned Seeun’s face. “Because it sure as hell sounded like you did. You think this is a joke? Is everything just a joke to you?”
Lost for words, Seeun could only shake his head. He felt a wave of nausea, his stomach churning; at this point, he didn’t know if it was from sickness or anxiousness. When had a simple joke taken such a turn?
“Junmin-ah, I think that’s enough—” Minjae tried to interrupt, but Seeun could tell it was already too late.
“Just stop being such a goddamn annoyance!” Junmin roared, his hand shooting out. A hard shove sent Seeun stumbling backward.
Everything happened so fast, or maybe that’s what his mushed brain managed to process. Stumbling backwards, Seeun tried to maintain his balance, but his already weak legs gave away on him.
Next thing he knew, he hit the polished floor with a sickening thud, the back of his head cracking against the hard surface. A white-hot flash consumed his vision, then darkness took over.
Seeun mustn’t have been out for very long, because when he managed to open up his eyes, he was still on KQ’s practice room’s floor, worried faces surrounding his vision.
He was struggling. The impact had amplified his already existing headache a hundredfold, and the room was spinning violently. The bright overhead lights were causing a piercing pain behind his eyes. He tried to speak, but only a weak, breathless sound escaped. Looking around, he could see the faces surrounding him were Yechan, Junghoon and Hyunwoo, kneeling beside him.
Well, this was annoying.
Slowly, his hearing started to come back, muffled voices suddenly going clear. Someone was calling his name.
“...eun-ah, Seeun-ah! Are you alright?” Yechan, who was directly in front of him, asked. His voice, usually loud and high-pitched, was now low and bathed in worry. His eyes were wide open and frantically searching his face.
Still too confused to answer his friend, Seeun opted for slowly sitting up. Immediately, Junghoon and Hyunwoo’s hands found his arms and back to carefully help him up. He could feel one pair of hands moving from his arms to the back of his head, checking him for injuries, probably.
“Does it hurt where I’m touching, Seeun-ah?” Hyunwoo’s voice, directly to his right, called out to him. So it was him checking out Seeun’s head like he was inspecting for lice.
Again, Seeun didn’t really feel up for answering any questions right now. He focused more intently on his surroundings.
Behind Yechan’s worried face, he could see Sumin, his back facing them. Seeun could tell Sumin was tense by how hard he was clenching his fists, knuckles turning white. His arms hung loosely at his sides like he was preparing for confrontation. In front of him was Junmin, eyes still wild and far away.
“That’s enough, hyung,” Seeun was surprised by how clipped Sumin’s voice sounded. “You crossed a line.”
Junmin, still buzzing with a furious energy, recoiled slightly, caught off guard by Sumin’s intervention. “He was—he was provoking me! Always with his mouth, Sumin-ah, you don’t understand!” He gestured wildly with a trembling hand towards Seeun, still sitting on the floor. Seeun could feel Junghoon and Hyunwoo’s hands tightening their grip on him.
“I understand perfectly.” Sumin’s voice remained calm, a dangerous quiet. He didn't move an inch, acting like a human shield between Seeun and Junmin. “You don’t lay hands on a member. Ever.” His eyes flickered to Seeun, then back to Junmin, a silent warning passing between them. “Back off.”
Beside Sumin, a few feet away, was Hunter. Seeun was less surprised by Hunter’s anger. He was watching Sumin and Junmin’s interaction closely, body completely tense and jaw so tight Seeun could practically see a muscle jumping out. He looked ready to intervene at any moment.
Junmin opened up his mouth to say something else when Minjae’s firm voice cut through the tension in the room like a sharp blade. “That’s enough.”
Everyone turned around to look at their leader, hands on his hips and lips turned into a straight line, clearly disappointed.
Junmin flinched, it seemed like Minjae’s intervention was all he needed to finally get over his anger. His gaze turned from Sumin’s unyielding stance over to Seeun, still on the floor and being supported by his members. For a second, he looked ashamed. Seeun was still too dizzy to fully comprehend why all of this was happening.
“Minjae-ah, he—” Junmin tried to protest, his voice cracking.
“He what, Junmin-ah?” Minjae interrupted. He fixed Junmin with a hard stare. “He tried to make you laugh? He tried to ease the tension in this room that you were creating?”
Junmin blinked, confused. “What are you talking about?”
Minjae lowered his gaze and shook his head, a weary sigh escaping his lips. “We should talk about this at home. Seeun is probably hurt.”
Like magic, or maybe by his own ability to be annoying at all times, Seeun finally found his voice.
“I’m fine,” he croaked. “Really.”
“You’re not.” Hyunwoo immediately chimed in, looking over at him with a hard stare, then looking back at Minjae. “He’s not fine.”
“Yeah, I gathered that,” Minjae answered. He then clapped his hands once, forcing attention back on him. “Alright, let’s pack up. We’re going home.”
The words, though simple, brought a collective sigh of relief from the other members. Quickly, they started gathering their water bottles, towels, and bags. The room still felt heavy from the aftermath of the confrontation, but no one dared to address it, scared it might trigger another fight. Sumin remained in place, watching Junmin who also hadn’t moved, like a hawk.
Well, at least I tried. Seeun couldn’t help but feel annoyed at Hyunwoo for interrupting him and worrying the others. Realistically, probably not one of them believed Seeun when he said he was fine, but putting the blame on a specific person felt good.
“Come on, Seeunie,” Junghoon, opposite to Hyunwoo on his other side, spoke for the first time since the fight. “Let’s get you up.”
With the help of both Junghoon and Hyunwoo, Seeun began his slow ascent. The hammering in his head had decreased slightly, being replaced by a dull ache, but the dizziness made it hard to stand on his own, forcing Junghoon and Hyunwoo to keep their hold on him. Seeun’s previous annoyance at Hyunwoo quickly shifted to himself, for not being able to back up his previous statement about being fine. He hated proving others right.
Yechan, still in front of him, lowered his hovering arms with a defeated sigh. “I don’t think I’ve been of help here since the beginning,” that gained a small chuckle from Seeun. Yechan was, for now, on his good list. “I’ll just go pick up your stuff, Seeunie.”
After Yechan left, Junmin, who was still watching them, moved slightly forward.
“Seeun-ah…” Junmin’s voice was quiet, thick with a sudden, overwhelming remorse. He tried to step forward, his arm slightly reaching out for him. Seeun, without meaning to, flinched.
Hyunwoo unconsciously moved Seeun behind him. Sumin, who had stayed with them, didn’t let Junmin take another step forward. Instead, he shifted his weight, slowly blocking Junmin’s view of Seeun with a serious stare.
Junmin stopped, his hand hanging uselessly in the air. He looked at the faces of his members, each one etched with anger, disappointment, and a fierce protectiveness. Dropping his arm completely, he sighed in frustration and went to gather his own things as well.
Seeun watched him go, a complicated feeling brewing inside his chest. Sure, Junmin had screamed at him, said some really hurtful things and even pushed him to the ground, but he was still his hyung. The same hyung that would buy him coffee after a long day, that would watch dramas with him until late at night; the same hyung that clinged to him when something scared him half to death. These past few days were surely some of the hardest he had to go through, and Seeun had done everything possible to help him through them without forcing him to actually talk about it. So yeah, he had complicated feelings about it. Was it right what Junmin had done? No, not really. But Seeun could understand where his hyung was coming from.
Unknowingly, an ugly thought started to form in his mind; of course Junmin would react that way, Seeun was annoying after all. He kept pushing buttons, forcing himself onto people, making jokes nobody really asked for. He was a famously annoying person, and all members could agree on that. Seeun couldn’t really blame Junmin for simply reacting accordingly.
He was startled out of his thoughts by a hand squeezing his shoulder. It was Sumin, watching him with worried eyes but trying to hide it with a warm smile. Seeun was already tired of thinking, brain still bouncing around inside his head, so he simply smiled back.
“Let me help you outside the building, Seeun-ah?” Sumin asked. Seeun managed to nod in response.
Outside, the cool night air was a welcome distraction from what had happened inside the building. Two black company vans waited for them in the parking lot, their engines a low thrum.
Minjae opened the door to the first van. “Yechan, Jinsik, Junghoon, Seeun, Hunter,” he instructed, his voice even. “You guys in this one.”
Junghoon, with Hunter’s help, carefully helped a still-dazed Seeun into the van, settling him in the back row. Yechan immediately sat beside him, fussing over him. Jinsik slid in next, unusually quiet, his eyes fixed on Seeun with concern.
Minjae then turned to the remaining members. “Hyunwoo, Sumin, Yujun, Junmin, with me.” He paused, his gaze resting briefly on Junmin, who stood a little apart with his shoulders slumped. “Let’s go.”
From the car window, Seeun could see Junmin, silent and subdued, climbing into the second van, taking the seat furthest from the others. The same ugly feeling from before settled again in his chest. Seeun did that, with his dumb jokes. Junmin was tired, stressed, and didn’t need another reason to snap.
Still feeling like shit and punishing himself for his actions, Seeun’s eyelids started to fall shut from tiredness. As the vans turned on their engines and began driving the group home, Seeun succumbed to sleep.
Seeun awoke slowly by a hand gently squeezing his shoulder. The van was no longer moving, his sleepy mind supplied.
“Seeun-ah,” Junghoon’s voice was a low murmur. It relaxed him so much he didn’t want to open his eyes. Maybe if he slept enough he’d wake up at his mother’s home, and she’d carry him to his bedroom like she used to do when he was just a small kid, before he grew taller than her. “We’re here.”
Knowing his wishes were naive, Seeun stirred, a faint groan escaping his lips. His eyelids fluttered, then slowly peeled open, headache returning as a dull ache. He blinked, the harsh overhead light of the van a fresh assault. He tried to push himself upright, a shaky hand going to the back of his head.
“Woah, slow down, Seeun-ah.” Yechan reached out, his hand hovering, ready to offer support. “Take your time.”
Seeun managed a weak nod, pushing himself forward, his movements stiff and uncertain. It was just Junghoon and Yechan with him, the others probably already back at the dorms. Looking behind them, he could see the other van was also parked and empty.
‘We’re the only ones left, great.’ His mind supplied sarcastically.
Seeun swung his legs out, the cool breeze giving him goosebumps. As soon as he stood up from his seat, the world outside the van seemed to tilt. A fresh wave of nausea coiled in his stomach, and the dull ache behind his eyes flared into a throbbing crescendo. His legs, already weak, buckled beneath him.
“Ah!” A choked gasp escaped his lips.
Before he could collapse completely, strong arms wrapped around him, steadying him. Junghoon had caught Seeun before he hit the ground. If he didn’t feel so embarrassed by his own body betraying him, Seeun would’ve asked Junghoon what they were.
“Careful, Seeun-ah.” Junghoon’s voice was calm, but the small show of worry behind his eyes betrayed the sound of his voice entirely. Steadying his grip on Seeun, he held him upright, one arm across his shoulders, the other supporting his upper arm.
Yechan, his eyes wide with renewed worry, scrambled out of the van. “Hoon-ah, do you need help?”
Junghoon shook his head, his gaze unwavering on Seeun. “I’ve got him, Yechan-ah. Go on up. Tell them we’ll be a minute.”
Yechan hesitated, glancing from the pale, swaying Seeun to Junghoon’s stoic face. Seeun hated how concerned he looked. Hated feeling weak and having to rely on them. The whole situation was very annoying. “Okay. Be careful.” He darted away, his speedwalk a stark contrast to the slow, deliberate movements of the two left behind.
Junghoon waited, allowing Seeun to lean against him while he regained his footing. Seeun’s breath hitched, a faint tremor running through him from dizziness.
“Better?” Junghoon asked, his voice low and patient.
Seeun nodded, pushing away from Junghoon slightly, though he still clung to the older boy’s arm. “Yeah. Just… dizzy.”
They began their slow ascent towards the building entrance. Each step was an effort for Seeun, his head still pounding, his vision occasionally blurring at the edges. Junghoon kept a firm grip on his arm, silently supporting his step. The lobby was deserted, the hushed echoes of their footsteps the only sound. Junghoon pressed the elevator button, the light glowing a soft green.
“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” Junghoon began, his voice still quiet as the elevator doors slid open. He guided Seeun inside, pressing the button for their floor.
Seeun leaned against the cool metal wall, his eyes fixed on the numbers ticking upward. “Do what?” he mumbled, his voice hoarse.
“Try to help Junmin-hyung relax,” Junghoon clarified. Seeun could feel the older’s gaze on him. “He was being… difficult.”
A humorless chuckle escaped Seeun. “Yeah. Difficult.” He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them up again to meet Junghoon’s eyes. “I just… he’s been so stressed. You saw him. He was about to snap.” He looked down at his shoes, ashamed. “I just thought… I could help.”
Junghoon watched him, his expression unreadable. “You always do that.”
“Do what?” Seeun asked, a flicker of his usual snark returning, clearly annoyed at having to repeat the same question again, though it lacked its usual bite.
“You take care of everyone,” Junghoon stated, his voice flat, matter-of-fact. “Even when you’re not feeling well yourself.”
Seeun froze for a moment, feeling vulnerable at being seen so clearly by one of his members. Sure, he’s been trying to lift their spirits, trying to help them relax more, but he didn’t expect it to go noticed by anyone.
Cooling his expression as much as he could, he shrugged, a weak movement. “Someone has to. He looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. And he usually takes care of us, so I figured… turnabout is fair play.” He swallowed, the memory of Junmin’s rage still a fresh wound. “Didn’t work out so well, did it?”
The elevator doors chimed, opening onto their floor. Junghoon guided Seeun out, his hand still on his arm. “It wasn’t your fault, Seeun-ah.”
“It always feels like it is,” Seeun murmured, his gaze distant. “I’m always the one saying something stupid.”
Junghoon stopped, turning to face Seeun fully. His neutral expression softened almost imperceptibly, a subtle shift in the lines around his eyes. He reached out, gently cupping the back of Seeun’s neck, his fingers brushing against the still-tender spot where Seeun had hit his head.
“No,” Junghoon said, his voice firm, leaving no room for argument. “You say what you think. And sometimes, people aren’t ready to hear it. Or they misinterpret it. That’s on them, not you.” He squeezed Seeun’s neck lightly. “You’re thoughtful. You’re a caring, funny, sweet person. Don’t ever think that’s a bad thing.”
Seeun could only blink, surprised at the sudden shower of compliments Junghoon had given him. Junghoon, who you could only hear a compliment from if you took a spoon and carved it out of him. Without wanting to, his eyes filled with unshed tears. He blinked them away as quickly as they came, hoping the other hadn’t noticed.
As he looked into Junghoon’s steady eyes, a wave of unexpected relief washed over him. After being hit with constant darkness from his own mind the whole night, he hadn't realized how much he needed to hear that. A small, genuine smile touched his lips. “Thanks, Junghoonie.”
Junghoon gave a curt nod, the ghost of a smile showing on his face, then released him. “Come on. Let’s get you inside.”
Once inside the dorm, Seeun was met with a flurry of worried members. Hunter, Yujun, and Jinsik were perched on the sofa, their gazes snapping to the door as Junghoon and Seeun entered.
“Seeun-ah! Are you okay?” Jinsik sprang up, concern written all over his face. He looked like he wanted to wrap Seeun in his arms, but refrained at the last minute. Seeun wished he’d gotten that hug.
“Just a little wobbly,” Junghoon answered for him, guiding Seeun towards the bathroom. “He needs a shower.”
Minjae appeared next, having come out from the bathroom himself. He took one look at Seeun’s pale face and Junghoon’s tight posture, and nodded. “Take the first shower, Seeun-ah.” He then looked at the guys sitting on the couch. “Could one of you guys grab some clothes for him as well?”
Yujun and Hunter nodded immediately, jumping at the opportunity to help. Seeun would’ve laughed at them if it wasn’t so endearing (and if he didn’t feel so much like shit). Smiling in thanks to both Junghoon and Minjae, Seeun got into the bathroom, fully intending to enjoy his shower.
Turning on the ‘hot’ tap all the way, he let the water run while he undressed, waiting for it to get warm enough. He hadn’t noticed before, but now, feeling calmer, he could tell a whole day of just practicing had done a number on him. He could practically smell himself, body sticky with dried sweat. How Junghoon and Hyunwoo had been able to be close to him at all escaped him.
Desperate to smell good again, Seeun quickly entered the shower and started showering, two years of idol life training him to be as fast as possible with it. He tried to think as little as he could, but the events of the night were rapidly catching up with him now that he could breathe for a minute.
Junghoon’s shocking compliments had truly eased his mind a little, but he still couldn’t help but feel guilty about how the night played out. If it weren’t for him thinking a joke would be the solution to all of Junmin’s problems, then the fight probably wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe it would have, but the member Junmin would have exploded at would be another; it could’ve been Minjae, trying to calm Junmin down after noticing his pacing; maybe Yechan, trying the same method as Seeun and joking around hoping to drag a smile out of the older; or it could’ve been Hunter, trying to be helpful and asking Junmin tips to better one particular step of the choreo.
It didn’t matter now, did it? The fight already happened, if you could even call it that. Seeun would prefer to refer to it as ‘unfair pushing of a simple civilian doing his just duty’ rather than fight, but he guessed it was as good as.
Head still pounding, he reached a tentative hand to the sore place where his skull and the floor had met. He could feel a small bump, but didn’t think much of it. The fever he’d been dealing with since he woke up that day was probably a little more worrisome than a small bump.
As he turned the shower off, he resolved not to tell anything to his members until the morning. They’d been through enough for one night, Seeun included. He certainly didn’t need a hovering Minjae at his bedside the whole night.
Once out of the shower, Seeun noticed a pile of clothes sitting on top of the toilet. He guessed at some point one of the members had entered the bathroom and left them there while Seeun was too busy inside his own head. He hoped he wasn’t humming to himself like he usually did while showering.
Taking in each piece of clothing, Seeun couldn’t help but smile shyly, a warm feeling taking place in his chest. They weren’t his own clothes, but rather other members’. First, he put on what were clearly a pair of Sumin’s gray sweatpants; while long enough to reach just above Seeun’s ankles, he had to tie the strings tightly around his hips so they wouldn’t fall off his frame. Next, he put on a Hunter shirt he knew very well, since he’s used to stealing it every time he gets days off; it fits slightly big on Hunter, so it’s obviously also big on him, being slightly taller but so much leaner than his friend. He pulled the hem of the shirt up to his nose, smelling Hunter’s perfume that always manages to bring him comfort. Lastly, he grabbed an unfamiliar soft, black hoodie, and smelled it as well, trying to see if he recognized the scent. It smelled distinctly like Jinsik, and Seeun rushed to put the hoodie on. Despite being the tallest of the group, Seeun managed to feel small under his friends’ oversized clothes.
Getting out of the bathroom, he came face to face with Yujun, who seemed like he had been waiting for Seeun to step out.
“Feeling better, Seeunie?” Yujun asked, his usually playful tone replaced with a small, concerned frown.
Seeun nodded in reassurance. “Much better, Yujun-ah. Thanks for the clothes.”
Yujun simply smiled in response. “Hunter’s idea.”
Minjae, a few feet behind Yujun and now nursing a cup of tea, watched Seeun with a worried gaze. “Seeun-ah,” he began, his voice quiet. “How’s your head feeling?”
Seeun thought about whether to lie or not to his hyung for a second. Technically, he’s asking about the bump, not about the migraine, and the bump is definitely better.
“It’s definitely feeling better, hyung.” Seeun wouldn’t call that a lie, per se, just… an omission of the truth, that’s all.
Minjae seemed to believe him (of course, he wasn’t lying after all) and nodded in response. “Sleep in my bed tonight,” Minjae offered, face open and kind. “No need to climb up to yours when you’re feeling like this.”
Seeun’s eyes widened slightly, a flash of surprise. He usually loved his top bunk, felt miles cooler than the lower one. But the thought of scaling the ladder, of the world spinning beneath him, made his stomach churn. A small sigh of relief escaped him. “Really, hyung? Thanks.”
“Of course.” Minjae’s smile was warm. “Get some rest.”
“Alright,” Seeun gave a tired nod. “Night, hyung. Night, Yujun-ah.” After receiving the response from his friends, Seeun padded off towards the bedroom he shared with Minjae, Hunter and Hyunwoo, ready to sleep this night from hell off. The door clicked shut softly behind him.
Junmin watched Seeun disappear behind his bedroom door, and sighed heavily, guilt eating away at him. The image of Seeun, pale and unmoving on the floor, burned behind his eyelids. He closed his eyes, the weight of his actions pressing down, a heavy, suffocating burden. He hadn’t meant to push the younger, much less to hurt him, either physically or emotionally. Everything just felt like so much at the moment, stress and worry resting heavily on his stomach, that he’d exploded at the first person close to him; that person being Seeun.
Still, despite knowing he was the one in the wrong, he couldn’t help but to feel his initial anger simmering beneath the surface, a faint, lingering agitation. It was unreasonable, he knew, but he just couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the stress from the past few weeks talking for him, maybe it was his own thoughts. He still knew it wasn’t right.
“Junmin-ah,” Minjae’s voice interrupted his train of thought. He turned his head to fully look at his friend, now taking on the role of Xikers’ leader. “Could we have a moment to chat?”
Junmin knew this moment was coming, but he still couldn’t help but feel nervous. “Y-yeah, of course.” He nodded.
He followed Minjae into the kitchen, where he put down his now empty cup of tea on the sink, and immediately started on a new one.
While he waited for the water to boil, Minjae turned to look at him, arms crossed over his chest. “Do you know why I said that to you?” He asked.
“Said what to me?” Junmin asked back, confused.
Minjae sighed. “About you creating tension in the room.” He looked down to his shoes, then up again to meet Junmin’s eye.
No, he didn’t know. So he shook his head in response.
“Everyone’s noticed you’ve been stressed, Junmin-ah,” Minjae started. He turned to grab a tea bag, and put it inside the new, empty cup. “I don’t blame you, I can only imagine having to record lines, prepare for photoshoots, interviews, and on top of it, create new choreography for an important event knowing the whole team is depending on me to do well.”
Now it was Junmin’s turn to sigh. “Minjae—” he started.
“I’m not done,” his friend interrupted him. “Please hear me out first.
“Like I said, I understand your frustration. Promotions also tend to heighten our emotions and send us to the edge. But that doesn’t mean we should stop caring for ourselves like you did.”
“It wasn’t my intention,” Junmin answered, voice low. He couldn’t help but feel like a reprimanded kid.
“Your lack of self care was reflecting not only on you, but also all of us,” Minjae continued like he hadn’t heard him. “The younger members were all walking on eggshells around you, trying not to disturb you.
“Now I know you didn’t notice, but Seeun made it his personal mission to be your shadow.”
What was that supposed to mean?
“I’ve caught him more times than I can count hanging off your shoulder, giving you massages, reminding you to drink water.” Minjae uncrossed his arms, then reached for a spoon inside one of their kitchen drawers. “Most of his jokes aimed to make you laugh, or at least deflate the tension you were holding at the moment. Honestly, I thought it was working, so I let him carry on. Now I know you just didn’t notice any of it, your own dongsaeng ignoring his own stress just to relieve yours.”
Finally, the water started to boil. Minjae turned around, grabbed the screaming kettle, and poured the hot water into the cup.
Minjae’s last words landed like a punch. It felt like Junmin was the one being pushed to the ground this time around. Each sentence was a hammer, shattering his anger, replacing it with a cold, creeping shame. The image of Seeun, draped over Yujun and making a silly face, flashed through his mind. The way Seeun had leaned against him during breaks, muttering about his ‘firm shoulder.’ The playful jabs, the constant stream of lighthearted banter. All of it, not directed at him in malice, but in unwavering support. A support he had completely, utterly missed.
God, he really fucked it up.
A wave of gut-wrenching guilt washed over Junmin. He had been so lost in his own frustrations, his own exhaustion, that he had completely misread the quiet, selfless efforts of his dongsaeng. The realization that Seeun had been ignoring his own needs just to tend to his, trying to comfort him like he knew best, twisted in his gut.
“Minjae-ah, I— I messed up,” he started, now desperately trying to apologize. “I didn’t notice, I was so…”
“Yeah, you did,” Minjae cut in, his voice now turning firmer than before. “I know you were tired. I know you were stressed. We all are. But that is never an excuse to put your hands on a member, especially a younger one.” Minjae turned the spoon around inside the cup, still looking over at Junmin. “You are allowed to get angry, to fight. But you never should have gotten physical, Junmin-ah. That’s a boundary we don’t cross. As one of the oldest of the group, you have a different responsibility from the rest.”
Junmin’s eyes suddenly filled with tears, and he lowered his head, trying to hide from his friend. He felt ashamed. Ashamed for reacting the way he did, for not noticing sooner, for not taking better care of himself.
"I know. I'm going to apologize to Seeun first thing tomorrow. And to the group," Junmin promised with a shaky voice, desperately wanting his friend to believe him.
When Junmin gained the courage to look back up to Minjae, the other was carrying a small smile and offering the cup of hot tea. Junmin took it with a small thanks.
"I know you will. We’ll be having a group meeting after breakfast to talk about it. That can be your opportunity.” Minjae seemed to notice his misty eyes, and sighed. “It’s okay to mess up, Junmin-ah. We’re not perfect. You’re apologizing and that’s the most important thing right now.” He put his hand on Junmin’s shoulder, and squeezed lightly. “I’ll go sleep now, you should try too. We’ll deal with this when we’re all more level headed. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” Junmin answered, still processing their chat.
Minjae finally exited the kitchen, and Junmin was left alone, wondering how he could even face his groupmates tomorrow morning.
Junmin walked slowly into the room he shared with Junghoon, still sporting his cup of tea. Junghoon was sitting on his lower bunk, scrolling through his phone, the air around him cold and heavy.
Junmin mentally sighed. This was as good a place to start as any.
“Junghoon-ah… I’m so sorry,” Junmin started softly, his voice slightly cracking. “I know I messed up. I was just so tired, I didn’t… I didn’t even see what was happening. I just snapped.”
Junghoon looked up, his expression completely blank, his typical matter-of-fact tone deployed like a weapon this time. “You shouldn’t be apologizing to me, hyung.”
Junmin sighed for what felt like the millionth time in the night. “I know, but you’re upset. I want to tell you that I’m sorry for my actions.”
“You should be telling Seeun that. He’s the one who hit the floor.” Junghoon shrugged, then looked back down at his phone, feigning ignorance. “When he accepts your apology, then I’ll consider forgiving you. Until then, you need to understand that what you did was wrong, and I’m not happy about it.”
Junmin stared at Junghoon’s impassive profile, searching for any crack in his composure, yet he found none. Junghoon’s face was a mask, his eyes dark pools in the room’s dim light. But Junmin, knowing Junghoon as he did, saw the almost imperceptible clench of the younger boy’s jaw. His anger, cold and steady, still simmered beneath that placid surface. Junghoon couldn’t stay mad; not truly, nor for long, nor at his members. But Junmin knew he felt wronged for Seeun.
Junmin left his cup at the night table and climbed into his bed, sinking deeply onto his pillow. The weight of Junghoon’s words pressed down on him. He had to apologize. He closed his eyes, and the image of Seeun’s pale face, body crumpled into the floor, burned behind his eyelids. He would apologize tomorrow first thing in the morning.
With that resolve, he finally allowed himself the rest his body desperately needed.