Chapter Text
Lohen didn’t know how he landed such a cutie like yourself, but he did know that you were quite popular amongst ladies and gentlemen with such a naïve and sickly sweet personality.
It wouldn’t be right to blame you for being that way, your parents wanted you to stay blissfully unaware of certain things till you reached a certain age. It was only a blessing pity that they died and left you in the care of Varka who was the next step at being a guardian, a stupid one but a good one when it comes to taking care of obedient children.
He wouldn’t lie and say he’d wish to be there for you more than anything else, he wished he was the first person to hold your hand again like when you two were children who were learning how to walk and talk.
Wishing deep down to be your first everything and to beat the suckers wishing to be just like him, grinning at that thought as he finished today’s dangerous yet lacking challenges on the field as he thought more on that.
He’d be such a good husband for you.
No such thing as a wife following husband’s rules, he’d bend those silly Church laws to have you step on him if he dared to speak out of line. He was beyond obsessed with you, you were placed on a high mantle and the only person of his dreams.
Lohen didn’t know any other person who would fit right to hold his hand, he just knew you’d be there for him no matter what and he’d butter you up with the sleekness of his honeyed and gentle words.
He was still a gentleman after all, but what’s to say he didn’t want to be one when it comes to thoughts about you?
The ruin guard spun around with its arm narrowly missing anything serious to be considered "fatal", but he wished it put up more of a fight as he mainly attacked with his vision and his not so useless knife, he was reminded occasionally that he did have a polearm and that he should be using it.
He’d sometimes imagine you watching him with awe as your expressions showed signs of worry, but he scolded you for thinking him for being weak when he was very strong compared to his opponents.
The guard’s missiles missed him just a bit, what a shame he thought as he aimed his polearm right to the center of its weak spot with the tip of it covered in ice as sparks came from it before it fell backwards.
Pathetic.
Lohen thought these guys put up more of a fight like the Traveler said they would as he tsk’d and went to retrieve his polearm.
He remembered how it’ll be great to hold you right now—just as he was stepping on top of the guard as both of his hands gripped around the shaft as he yanked it out with a harsh tug. He noticed a bit of chipping at the tip, but he guessed his polearm needed sharpening here and there without Wagner’s service.
Lohen would exhale quietly, picking up his breathing to calm the familiar rush down as he inhaled slowly and then exhaled for a few minutes to work on those “habits” of his.
He’d brush off the dust off his clothes as he picked up a fragment to give you later as he placed it in his pocket, the coldness of his cryo vision was a constant reminder of the absence of your familiar warmth he so desperately wanted to feel right now.
What were his thoughts from earlier?
Ah—holding and resting against you, your fingers absentmindedly combing through his hair.
The tightness in his chest was back again.
That image was different from the rest, though most of them was your pretty face caked in blood as he’d lick it off your lips.
Or maybe, you under him while he took your first everything like you’ll be taking his.
He did occasionally remember that you were still in Mondstadt, talking to someone with that smile of yours and then taking advantage of such a sweet minded person that you are.
That thought alone was enough to make the tightness feel wrong, more ugly.
Lohen clicked his tongue softly, starting to head back to the city when seeing the sun start to set as he made the polearm disappear with a tilt of his hand. He’d summon it later to get the tip fixed since he did throw it and all at the ruin guard, a story he’d have to lie about..
The gates of Mondstadt came into view, familiar and steady. Somewhere past them, you were waiting—whether it was just his mind or maybe you were, worried and doting on him like a wife does a husband unknowingly and he’d eat it up as always.
When he’ll think of you later today or when he’s home resting and longing for you, it won’t be about being the only one at your side.
It was about making sure he was to be there at all times, it was his deserved spot anyways.
Isn’t that the placement in your heart where a good lover friend is supposed to be?
He did expect your warm welcome when he made it through the gates, but he was only left with annoyance and a strong hint of jealousy at the sight of you and that blonde with that stupid floating, annoying and weird baby.
His eyes narrowed as he stared at you two while he stood there like a complete idiot, he didn’t care if someone would say that and they’d bold themselves for even saying it to his face regardless but he didn’t care about it for the moment as he was most certain that her arm was too close to yours as you two laughed at something.
Was there a funny joke between you two?
Were you two now friends all of a sudden?
How come he didn’t know about this?
WHY didn’t he know about this friendship?
Lohen’s fist tightened up as he walked rather calmly to the table, his face fixed to a friendly smile despite him wishing to rip that blonde away while the floating creature watched with her cheeks full of food as always. He should be thinking calm thoughts, but jealousy wormed its way through his mind.
"Hey guys! What’s on the menu for conversating?" Lohen inserted himself in the conversation as he pulled up a chair, placing it right in the middle between you two as he saw the discomfort in Traveler’s face which made him mentally grin.
"Oh! Well, Lumine was telling me about her adventures and I was waiting for you but then Varka told me that you were off doing something so I didn’t want to worry you!" You explained with the smile he was ecstatic to see, watching you drink your glass of apple cider as he watched the bob of your throat.
He wishes he could bite your throat, leave marks over it and possibly lick up the blood from other marks he’d leave.
Now, would Lumine do the things he’d do to you?
She can try, but she’ll be harmed slightly.
Don’t wish to hurt the universe’s hero.
The conversation was mainly muffled to his ringing ears, he was tuning in and out as he watched you two talk as he’d occasionally say something here and there.
Lohen couldn’t lie and say he’d remember anything really important, it was mainly all about Lumine and her floating baby that he remembered was there as she shoved a few pieces of food in her mouth before annoyingly saying she was a bit tired to her companion.
Please leave.
"I think me and Paimon are going to go."
For once, Barbatos was a good God today and he cheered a bit in his head as he saw the blonde get up and leave with that thing.
He still prays for their wellbeing and all that, but he just needed you all to himself without any distractions or any other person stepping in the way of things.
Lohen needed things to be perfectly clear for your understanding and for your heart.
If he’d just you then it would be better than mindless obsession and pure stupidity, that’s what he calls it anyways as he’s had this whole crush since childhood up to adulthood without a single thought of if you even felt the same way for him.
He just hoped and prayed to the Archons that the rejection would cure his insanity for his own mental state. He was just assuming things now, assuming his own fate.
Maybe he’d just hide behind walls and slowly die out to where his shame can be laid to rest.
He must’ve been thinking for a long time before your hand waved in front of his face to get his attention as your lips curled up in a frown with brows narrowed.
"Lohen, did you hear my question?" You asked him, the polite tone of your voice was just there for show; knowing you’d get upset if he wasn’t listening to anything you said while he was just nodding along to any words. "If you were listening, which I know you weren’t, I was merely asking if Varka sent you any letters..regarding the usually interesting stuff."
Oh Varka.
That old man was up his ass with how he acts around things that excite him, it’s unfair that most of the letters he’d read were a lot of worrying about your wellbeing if he’d take you out to his adventures and being responsible if you’d get hurt like you weren’t fit for anything in this cruel, twisted world.
You had a Vision! Most of everyone had some sort of powers or skills, you weren’t useless, at least in Lohen’s eyes as he’d make a list of things you were so great at.
He wished that Vision wasn’t around your neck, to replace it with something better as he had a bit of time to make an effort in response as he’d shake his head. The frown on your face was displeasing as he let out a chuckle.
"Grandmaster Varka just want….he just writes a lot of worrying letters here and there." Lohen said, not knowing why his tongue nearly rang true. "You know how he is. Talks too much, worries too much."
"I know," You’d sigh quietly, fingers around the empty glass in your hands while your foot tapped against the pavement. "But it feels strange. He usually writes to me too."
That ugly tightness returned to his chest.
Lohen hated that sentence more than he should have.
Usually.
Meaning you noticed the absence quite immediately in just a few weeks.
Meaning he was doing a terrible job, making you worry so much.
He swallowed slowly before leaning back in his chair, forcing himself to appear relaxed while his mind churned viciously beneath the surface. Varka’s letters had become increasingly more insistent lately—questions about your health, reminders for him to tell you to stay inside after dark, subtle comments about how attached Lohen seemed whenever your name appeared.
That old man was obviously observant in the wrong ways, but he should send a letter of telling him to make you less worried about him and to be less drunk to make his mind clearer to send said letters.
"Are you thinking hard again?" You suddenly murmured in question.
Your hand reached across the table before gently flicking the center of his forehead, the touch so light and harmless that it nearly made his heart stop entirely.
"There," You said with a small smile. "You always make that face when you’re overthinking."
He stared at you.
Archons.
You were going to ruin him.
"….You notice my expressions that well?" He asked softly, the teasing tone barely masking how serious the question truly was.
"Lohen, of course I do." You answered without hesitation, like it was obvious. "We’ve known each other forever."
Forever.
The word wrapped around his ribs like chains.
Lohen laughed under his breath, lowering his gaze so you wouldn’t notice how dangerously warm his face suddenly felt. You said things so carelessly sometimes, unaware of how deeply they rooted themselves into him.
Forever.
He could live with forever.
His eyes wandered to your hand still resting near his own atop the table. So close. If he moved his fingers just slightly, they would touch.
He wondered if you’d pull away.
The thought alone made his stomach twist unpleasantly.
"You’re staring again." You pointed out.
"..…Can you blame me?"
The words slipped out smoother than intended.
Your face warmed instantly, caught off guard by the casual honesty in his tone. Lohen watched the reaction carefully, greedily, memorizing every tiny shift in your expression while you looked away with a flustered laugh.
Cute.
So unbearably cute.
"You say strange things sometimes." You muttered. Your tone nearing the edge of embarrassment and warning.
"And you still keep me around."
"Well…" Your fingers tapped lightly against the table. "You’ve always been important to me."
Important.
Not enough.
Never enough.
Lohen smiled anyway.
Because despite the poisonous greed clawing at his chest, despite the jealousy that nearly soured his mood earlier, despite every violent and obsessive thought that lingered behind his eyes—
You still looked at him gently.
It was going to be dark soon, his eyes seeing the people around closing up shop and waving their friends farewells.
Lohen didn’t even get a drink, nothing to eat either but it didn’t matter that much anyways. He got enough food at home to force down his windpipe and pretend you were feeding him.
"Need me to take you home like always?" He popped the question, his smile making its way to his face as he tried to focus entirely on you and prayed he wasn’t staring too hard.
Your warmth. Your voice. The soft way your eyes met his.
He wanted to keep this forever.
Selfishly.
Cruelly.
He wanted every version of your kindness reserved for him alone.
"Oh! Well, if you want but if not then it’s fine—"
"I got nothing else on my schedule today." Lohen said with no hesitation, it was a lie since he had a pile of paperwork to look at and then plan meetings the following morning, then a scheduled meeting with Grandmaster Varka in Nod Krai.
You’d smile at his words, not knowing if you should call out his bullshit but deciding it wasn’t worth the time to scold him. Nodding your head as you stood up, grabbing the cup as you tossed it away to grab his hand as he felt the thud of his heart beating against his ribcage as he stood up to follow you home.
It was for your safety after all, too many weirdos out here who would harm you.
Lohen would wave you farewell as he walked back to the Knights of Favonius Headquarters as he only relaxed his shoulders when inside his office before punching the wall.
He’ll get his shit together.