Chapter Text
"Oh, is it not a beautiful day?!"
It was, in fact, not a beautiful day, Penelope thought.
In contrast to what her mother just cheerfully quipped, the sky was overcast with dark clouds looming in the distance. And the muggy air was not settled; it was too breezy and smelled pungent of disposal not yet removed from nearby. Not to mention, a pin was poking her from where Rae had to quickly improvise when a few buttons unraveled from the back of her wedding gown. With Genevieve out of town, her mother insisted on Madame Beatrice Fashions to make her wedding gown. It was not that Penelope felt horrible in the gown. It was lovely: a traditional, white, flowy wedding dress with lace. But it did not fit her hand-and-glove like a Delacroix design. She at least felt pretty the way Rae styled her hair and rouge.
As they stood outside the church, Portia spoke with one of the clergy members, informing them of the bride's arrival, and Penelope stood a way back, staring up at the unmoving bells just below the steeple. They would be ringing the next time she stood in this very spot. They would be ringing loudly in completion of her marriage to Lord Debling. Penelope placed her hand on her upper stomach feeling her stomach twist nervously. She hated that anxious feeling. It was not a good anxious - like before seeing your favorite distant family member after years or waiting for a letter to arrive. This kind was the kind of anxious you get before a physician's appointment or because of that look an elder would give you when you did something they did not approve of...but so, so much worse.
Blinking rapidly, Pen felt her heart rate start to pound in her chest as her breathing started to become unsteady. It was not unfamiliar. She recognized the precursor of a panic attack. Though not pleasant, at least she was aware enough to try to stop it before it escalated. Penelope's quivering hands tightened around the bouquet of pale-yellow lilies in her hands as her feet stayed glued to the ground beneath her. She wanted to move forward. She tried, but her body was frozen in fear.
Closing her eyes, Penelope tried to remind herself of what she had mentally prepared herself of for weeks now. Ignoring her heart, which she had been used to doing her entire life, she listened to her mind. Alfred Debling was a good man. He was kind and patient and easy on the eyes. He offered her security and freedom away from her mother's grasp. More importantly, Lord Debling chose to ask for her hand. He wanted her to become his wife. This was not a companionship made from a love match, but she was so very grateful that it was not a forced union either. She had seen many marriages take place because of honor or ruin. This would be a marriage of practicality built from respect and a quiet understanding. Though he would be away traveling for his work years at a time, he had looked her in the eyes and promised her he would never forsake her in any regard. Many wives did not get the satisfaction of that kind of vow. She was grateful for it; impressed even, and yet, Pen still found herself sad, scared and empty inside.
"I think we are ready now," Portia exclaimed as she turned to look back at her daughter.
When she did, Lady Featherington recognized the current state of her Penelope. Her smile faltered, slowly fading as worry crossed her features. It was only for a moment, but her gaze remained with care as she walked up to her daughter. Penelope was looking down, shaking, unmoving and blank-faced when her mother approached. She did not lift her eyes, but she felt her body calm slightly when her Mama's palm softly touched her forearm.
Portia lowered her voice with a kind of tenderness that Penelope had never heard before, "It is common for brides to get 'cold feet' before their wedding. It is temporary and will pass. Once you are walking down that aisle, all will be well." Penelope's eyes darted up to her mother's, and Portia smiled, lifting her brows in confirmation of her words. Penelope gave her a nod which was satisfactory enough for Portia that the tenderness disappeared, and she got back to business as mother-of-the-bride. Turning around, and walking away from her, Portia called after her, "Come, come!"
Penelope took a steady, deep breath to calm her nerves as she took a step forward, but the moment she did, she heard an unmistakable voice yelling in the distance along with racing hooves.
"PENELOPE! WAIT!"
Penelope and Portia both turned in surprise at the sudden interruption. Penelope gasped when she saw Colin charging up on them atop his white stallion. It was not a moment later that he was pulling back on the horse reins so sharply that his horse, Atlas, neighed loudly, rising up on his hind legs before her to halt hastily. A dust ball filled the air as he did so, but Penelope did not care. She was too awestruck as Colin hopped off, nearly losing his balance in the process, and came striding towards her in nothing less than a kind of desperation. Standing before her, out-of-breath, in his wrinkled brown coat and wind-blown curls, Penelope could only stare up at him in a startled and wide-eyed curiosity.
Before he could even say anything, Portia was speaking, as if assuming his presence, "No, Mr. Bridgerton, you are not late, as you can see. But the bride will be if you do not go in there and get seated this very instant."
Colin ignored the lady many steps away from them, as did Penelope. She wanted to laugh from absurdity at her mother's assertion. Colin had not even been invited to the ceremony. The only two Bridgerton's that had been invited and were currently seated in the bride's section of the pews, were Lady Bridgerton and Eloise. Perhaps her mother had temporarily forgotten that fact. The pair had not though. That last meeting was still fresh in their minds.
Penelope had been at Bridgerton House for tea after delivering her wedding invitations in person. When she was leaving, Colin had impolitely ushered her into the study. Shortly after her engagement to Lord Debling, she and Eloise had made amends and decided to heal their friendship. Though it was still a slow progression, and El was still friendly with Cressida, Penelope was relieved. She had missed El something terrible and with Debling traveling, she was happy that she would have a familiar friend to keep her company. Also, regaining her relationship with Eloise would keep her distracted from the loss of her friendship with Colin.
"What did you just say?"
Penelope swallowed nervously, looking down at her hands, "We cannot be friends anymore."
Colin was mad as he took a step towards her, "Is this your decision or the ultimatum of Debling's?"
"It is both."
"Look at me and tell me you do not wish for me to be in your life anymore."
Penelope looked up at him. She hesitated, and her voice trembled, "You cannot be in my life anymore."
"Pen, you cannot possibly mean that."
"It would not be appropriate. You are a bachelor."
"I am a family friend," he pointed out adamantly, "It is different. We-we grew up together. Bloody hell, Penelope, my mother is like a mother to you!"
"Recently, you have not been acting like a brother would...I mean, at least not in Lord Debling's presence."
Colin paced, looking up at his rolled his eyes, "Because I foolishly interrupted your dance at the Queen's ball, right?"
"The entire ton, and Debling, is aware that you had been helping me find a suitable husband, and yet that night you suddenly acted as if you were trying to deny me one as well. It did not look good, Colin. That night almost cost me my future."
"But it didn't. You got your proposal, did you not?"
Penelope glared at him, at his snarky tone. She hated when he acted like that. It was rare, but when he did, it was so unbecoming. "I ran out of the ball that evening crying. Did you know that?"
Colin's shoulders dropped with guilt and his voice hushed, "I did. I-I almost ran after you. I should have gone after you."
Penelope let out a wet laugh of ridiculousness, interrupting him, "I am happy you had enough sense not to for that would have surely ruined my chances with Debling all together." The expression on Colin's face changed. It was a look on him that she had never seen before...not when he had found out the truth about Marina nor even during the mourning of his father's death. She did not know how to decipher it except that he looked how she felt inside. But, she continued, "That evening, I had never been so humiliated in my entire life. Even more than if a 1000 Cressida's had spilled lemonade on me or ripped the hem of my dress. Even more than when I overheard you tell all your friends you would never, ever court Penelope Featherington."
"Pen - "
"Obtaining a proposal may have worked out in the end, but that memory will never be erased."
"Pen, I never meant to hurt you. Please. You have to believe me. I know I have hurt you, and I am sorry for it, more than you will ever know, but please do not think I have ever set out to intentionally hurt you."
Her face softened at the unshed tears of remorse in his eyes, "I know you mean well, Colin. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me and how you have always looked out for my wellbeing. My appreciation for what we have shared in friendship will never be diminished. I know you do not particularly like Lord Debling, but I am marrying him. It was my decision to ask for his forgiveness, it was my decision to accept his proposal and it was my decision to come to a mutual agreement on my personal associations proceeding this marriage."
"I respect what you are saying, Pen, I do, but it is different with us. You cannot just erase our entire childhood because of a vow to another."
Penelope choked back a sob that unexpectedly rolled up from her chest, "I will never erase our memories, ever...but, we must conclude future ones. Lord Debling has promised his loyalty to me and I must do the same for him. A married woman spending time with, or even writing to, a bachelor would not be appropriate. Even if it is innocent, it would be a broken promise to him."
Colin's fury that had settled suddenly reignited, "You promised him you would not even write to me?"
"It is the same effect as spending time together."
"Not even a letter, Pen? So, what? I am just supposed to nod at you, like I do not know you, from across ballrooms and get my information about your life from Eloise?"
"Yes."
"I have known you since you were eight-years-of-age!"
Penelope, sick of this back and forth, rose her voice just as Colin had just done, "Debling thinks you have feelings for me!"
An eerie silence hung heavily between them as they both stilled. Another look crossed Colin's face that Penelope could not read. She had expected surprise, but his expression did not mirror that. It unsettled her.
After a long moment, Colin cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed or awkward or both, "He-he does?"
"You interrupting our dance on the evening that everyone expected him to propose, and then arguing with me on the dance floor, did not portray a 'brother' kind of relationship. I know it is preposterous to believe you would ever have feelings for me. When he suggested it, I actually laughed. And even though I was able to convince him of that falsehood and promise my faithfulness, I cannot risk it. You and I know the truth, that we are just friends, but the truth means nothing to the eyes of the Ton. Gossip does. And we would be the center of gossip if we were to continue our friendship in his absence."
"Penelope, I-"
Assuming Colin was going to continue arguing, she pleaded through tears, "It would risk him dissolving our marriage. It is not becoming a spinster that unnerves me. It is the fact that being ruined means I would have to move away. Then I would lose your family entirely. Please, do not put me in that position, because then that would truly break my heart."
At that admission, all Colin could do was give her a nod of understanding to her wishes. She explained that Debling wanted a small affair, so the wedding service was extended in invitation only to his mother, because as he pointed out earlier, she was like a mother to her, and to Eloise, obviously, her bridesmaid. That was the last time they had spoken. That was 6 weeks ago.
When Colin finally found his voice, he spoke breathless and urgent, "Pen."
Her eye flicked towards the church doors as if expecting Debling to come out of them at any moment, "Colin, you-you mustn't be here."
"I know, but I had to. I had to see you."
Penelope nervously let out an exasperated chuckle, "Now?"
"Right now."
"Penelope! For goodness sakes," her mother stomped up, holding her skirts up off the ground, "What on earth is going on? The music has just started. You must - "
"Mama, I need a moment with Colin."
"No. We need to start your wedding ceremony."
"Give me a moment to speak to Colin or I am not going inside that church," Pen glared.
Portia's eyes darted between the two before she huffed, "I will tell them to stall for another minute. But only a minute, Penelope Anne, " With that, she turned and walked back towards the church entrance. With her mother half inside the doors, Penelope took that opportunity to have that moment of privacy with Colin that he obviously needed. Though her heart broke a little, she suddenly felt more alive just being back in his presence.
"You must be quick about whatever this is because if anyone should see you - "
He quickly interrupted with a stern tone, "Let them."
"What?"
"The happiness of your future means more than any gossip monger, Penelope. If Debling truly wishes to be with you, then me asking you a question should not be the action that stops a commitment to you."
Penelope felt herself starting to shake again, but the butterfly sensation in her stomach full of dread was suddenly replaced by the good, exciting kind. "What question?"
Colin exhaled through his nose before he spoke in earnest, "Is this what you want?"
She did not hesitate, "It is what is expected."
"Pen..."
"It is a good match."
She turned her head to look back at the church doors but Colin stepped aside, to block her view, and spoke again, more seriously than she had ever heard him, "No. Forget about what society says or what your mother taught you for once."
Penelope let out a shaky breath as she looked down at the flowers in her hand, "What I want is irrelevant, Colin."
"Would you stop listening to your head and go by your heart? If you tell me that in your heart this union is what you really want, then I will accept that. I promise. I just need to know. Is . This . What . You . Want?"
She did not answer verbally, but her eyelashes fluttered shut as she shook her head 'no' ashamed. It was a very small 'no' meant only for him to see and he saw it loud and clear. Before he could say anything, she took a few steps away, thinking. With her back to him, he watched her pace slightly. Colin turned to look back at the doors, knowing they had mere seconds to spare before Lady Featherington would come back out and pull Penelope with her. And Penelope did not do well under pressure. He feared she would succumb to it and go on with the wedding that she just stated she did not want.
"Pen."
Her voice was a whimper, "All those people in there. And Debling. And my Mama..."
Colin walked up behind her until his chest was nearly touching her back, "I know, but you mustn't think of what they will think. You must think of your well-being. If you go on with this, you will be trapped, Pen. I can make peace with not being in your life again if I knew you were happy in your marriage, but it will kill me to know you are unhappy and living for the sake of societal standards."
He could not see it, but a tear rolled down her cheek as she wept out, sniffling, "It really is a good match with, Debling, you know? It is a practical one. He has been nothing but kind and patient towards me. He appreciates that I have my own interests. I know he is to be away traveling, but he has offered me a life that is nothing less than content, stable and secure."
Colin's shoulders dropped in defeat. Though the union with Debling was not what she wanted in her heart, she spoke as a woman who would be truly content with her life. A majority of women in loveless marriages did not even get that. So, he mentally prepared himself for what was next: for her to walk into that church.
Penelope's bouquet suddenly dropped from her hands onto the ground, interrupting his thoughts, and he took a step to move around her and pick it up. But she quickly turned around to face him, ignoring the flowers at her feet. The hasty move startled him as he took a step back in surprise.
"I want to leave," she stated, her breath quickening in determination.
That is not what Colin prepared to hear, and he spoke as if he almost did not hear her right, "What?"
"I need to get out of here."
He felt his heart burst through his chest in excitement and relief, "Are you sure?"
Pen took an unsteady breath, but her eyes were direct as she warned him, "Colin, you must take me away from here before I change my mind."
Colin quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her towards his horse. When Penelope stood among Atlas, she looked up at the height of him and her eyes widened in fright.
"Give me your foot."
Looking down, Colin was haunching down at her legs; his palms stacked on one another to give her a boost.
"C-can we not leave by carriage?"
"I do not have a carriage. My horse is fast so no one will catch up to us if we hurry." When she did not move, and still looked hesitant, Colin reassured her in honesty, "Pen, I would never let anything happen to you. I promise."
That was all the reassurance Penelope needed. She gave him her foot, and he easily boosted her up. As she straddled the horse, they both heard Portia's shriek behind them.
"PENELOPE!" Penelope did not turn to look at her mother as she quickly ripped off her veil. "PENELOPE ANNE, GET OFF THAT HORSE THIS INSTANT!"
Colin quickly placed his foot in the holster and jumped up behind Pen. He did not wait another moment as he secured an arm around her waist and kicked his horse into high gear galloping away.
Lady Featherington's yell echoed behind them as she jogged up to where her veil lay on the dirty ground, "PENELOPE!!!!"
"What is happening," Eloise asked in concern as she bolted outside the church doors.
Portia remained frozen, staring as the two sprinted further and further away on horseback. Eloise immediately recognized Penelope was the one on the horse. There was no other explanation as to why a woman, in a wedding gown, was riding away. She could not tell for sure if that was also Colin, but she knew that white horse and she knew that red-headed lady. In disbelief, Eloise walked up to stand behind Lady Featherington, where the bouquet of crumpled yellow lilies lay, and she bent down to pick them up. Portia did the same with the veil and for a moment she sadly straightened it in her hands.
"I take it the ceremony is surely to be delayed now," El quipped, half-wittedly.
Portia whipped around, her short-lived melancholy replaced by fury, "This is all your brother's fault!"
Her accusation did not startle El, as she nodded in agreement, "I actually do believe that."
"Is everything alright," Lady Bridgerton asked gently as she appeared from the doors.
"No! Everything is not alright! Penelope is gone," Portia cried out dramatically as she shook the veil in her hands.
Violet's eyes widened in surprise, "Gone? Gone where?"
"How am I to know? She was kidnapped!"
"Kidnapped," El and Violet both announced in question.
"Your son came charging up on horseback, demanded to talk to her and-and the next thing I know he is riding off with her. He took her! Your daughter saw!"
"I saw Penelope and Colin riding off together, but that does not mean Colin kidnapped her," El chuckled.
"Lady Featherington. Calm down. I know my son. There is no way Colin would do such a thing."
"Then explain what I just saw! Explain this," Portia demanded as she showed her the veil no longer on Penelope's head, "Explain this," she then grabbed the bouquet from Eloise's hands no longer in her daughter's hands. "Penelope was ready to be married. We came all the way here."
"I understand you are upset by this unfortunate event, Lady Featherington, but suggesting my son would take action towards your daughter against her will is a harsh accusation without fact."
"Then he must have done or said something to convince her to run away. There is no other explanation!"
A man's voice responded, "If your daughter did indeed leave with Colin Bridgerton, then I assure you, Madam, she did so at her own free will."
All three of them turned in surprise as Lord Debling stood stoically behind them.