Chapter Text

Mrs Patterson

Today, 1:41 PM

Good afternoon. I’d like to schedule a quick little check-in regarding a minor incident between your child and another classmate. Nothing urgent, but I think a conversation would be helpful. Would it be possible for us to meet tomorrow at 3:30PM?

what happened, is zoyka okay?

I can be there in five

it’s alright, Mr. Rozanov. Again, it’s nothing urgent.

Rose

Today, 2:14 PM

did you get notified by the teacher that our kid was in trouble???

oh yeah, she reached out to me about two weeks ago maybe? sorry I forgot to mention it. It’s okay! It’s just kids being kids, we already know he’s got a bit of an issue with sharing, it’s nothing to worry about!

a heads-up would have been nice?????

the school set up an intervention and now I have to do the walk of shame of lousy parenting

Shane, don’t overreact, I’m sure it’s nothing. We know our son. Alex is a sweetheart.

I’m sorry I have to go, I’ll call you later.

Hayden

Today, 5:36 PM

of ALL the kids in the world mine had to go and pick a fight with that of one of the asshole attorneys from the 16th floor

is she hot?

dude

sorry force of habit

is he hot

no DUDE because wtf

he threatened me with legal action

typical

also that wasn’t a no

Sveta

Today, 6:54 PM

Zoyushka is barely speaking to me, she is riddled with trauma

I will break that kid’s neck

we both know she’s perfectly fine and you’re just looking for a reason to spoil her

she deserves to be spoiled, she is my beautiful printsessa.

ilya she is FOUR years old, she does NOT need any more Gucci stuff

this is ridiculous even for you

so some kid pulled her hair one time, big deal. You did far worse to me.

she is in kindergarten I’m not sure me getting you pregnant is the right conversation to have with her

oh my god you are a fucking moron

I will not dignify that with an answer.

also I would like to remind you that this is in no way comparable because you and I were giving as good as we got. I still have a scar on my chin from that time you sent that puck flying to my head.

I love that you’re slowly circling the point I’m trying to make and still missing it

you’re lucky you developed some brain capacity at some point because hockey really wasn’t your call

🖕

+1 514 555 8...

Today, 7:21 AM

Mr Hollander, per our children’s teacher’s recommendation, I’m attempting direct communication before escalation. Attached is a summary of incidents involving your son, Alex Hollander, and my daughter, Zoya Rozanova, over the past 14 days. Timestamps and witness accounts (Ms. Patterson, aide Beaulier) are included.

ZR v AH - Incident Log
https://docs.google.com/document/d/abc123...

you made a google doc?

i believe in proper documentation.

they are 4.

i am aware. The document is about 4-year-olds. The behavior is actionable regardless of age.

actionable? what are you going to do, depose him?? HE'S FOUR

if necessary.

Article 1457 CCQ. Your son caused injury.

Article 1477 CCQ. Your daughter caused injury too.

Self-defense.

Article 2805 CCQ. Prove it.

YPA, section 2. Your son is a danger.

I look forward to the mediator's feedback.

Mr Rozanov

Today, 4:31 PM

the mediator was biased.

she’s a retired kindergarten teacher with thirty-seven years of experience.

she had a fanny pack and she is soft on discipline.

she said, and i quote, ‘both children are spirited and full of energy and would benefit from structured cooperative play’. And yes, i have it written and signed by her hand.

while i’m glad to see you have decided to step up your litigation game, she also said I was ‘overprotective’ which is not a clinical assessment.

No. She said you were ‘hovering’.

i wasn’t hovering. i was observing and making sure your son did not pull her hair again.

which he did not.

There is a playroom on Peel St. Saturday. 10am.

a playroom?

do you have a better idea? it’s neutral ground.

no but i hate that you’re being reasonable.

i’m sorry, since when are you able to identify reasonable behaviors? you threatened legal action over a glitter glue incident

she had glitter glue in her hair for FOUR DAYS. Zoyushka has very beautiful, curly hair, I had to set up an emergency appointment with a hairdresser to prevent drastic measures, such as SHAVING HER HEAD

Saturday. 10am. If you don’t show up, i’ll be forced to acknowledge that the mediation has failed.

Sveta

Today, 10:41 AM

how’s it going? anybody died just yet?

not yet.

the dad is insufferable and he keeps shooting me down every damn time i’m trying to be polite.

I feel like you set up that dynamics.

see where you dramatic ass gets you?

I’m not being dramatic.

you threatened litigation over a playground fight.

this is how bullying patterns start. Society should thank me for stepping in when I did.

oh my god

I gotta go he’s letting his son climb on the fucking furniture

Rose

Today, 12:06 PM

hey

Today, 5:17 PM

hey! everything okay?

Yeah. I was just texting to tell you about the playdate from this morning.

Oh right! Yes, do tell.

Don’t you want to hear it from Alex? We’re finishing bathtime, i can get him ready for a call in five.

i’m sorry i’m just on a break right now, i don’t want him to be sad if i have to rush this 😢 we’re filming on location all night and i’ve got a ton of extras to get ready.

okay

it went well i think. They seem to both have issues sharing but now that i know what her dad is like, i’m not all that surprised. They built stuff with blocks together so that’s a win, but then we had a minor incident over a swing and he stepped in and promised her he’d take her to DisneyWorld if she shared. What kind of parents sets up their kids like this?? It’s crazy, especially in front of another kid??

wow

give Alex a kiss for me!!

he misses you

Hollander

Today, 9:56 AM

i have been made aware that another supervised playdate would be beneficial for the children.

who decided that? i didn’t get a text from Ms. Patterson.

Zoyushka may have asked something about it.

are you aware this kid absolutely RUNS you?

she does not. She is very smart and has understood this would be a positive learning experience for her.

just say she likes having a friend.

she has plenty of friends.

Saturday, 10am.

Please do not wear those jeans

Mr Rozanov

Today, 12:56 PM

did your daughter take Alex’s mitten?

mitten, singular?

what would she do with one single mitten?

how would i know, they say kleptomania is on the rise

she says she didn’t take it and i believe her

she would say that

your son probably dropped it somewhere

he doesn’t lose things. he’s very peculiar about his stuff and where he puts them.

he’s four, every kid loses stuff

they cost $89

i’m not paying $89 for mittens.

they are ethically sourced and 60% recycled cotton

they could have been knit by the pope himself i’m not paying that

it’s expensive to stand by your principles. you wouldn’t know about that

i’ll see you in court

Hollander

Today, 5:41 PM

i have found a pink sock in my son’s coat pocket

why is there a pink sock in my son’s coat pocket

so that’s why we are missing a sock

how the tables turned

your daughter must have put it there

and to what benefit?

i don’t know yet but i can’t possibly see how my son would have been able to get a hold of that sock without your daughter’s knowledge

they don’t allow shoes during circle time. he probably took it there.

and your daughter didn’t notice?

Today, 7:51 PM

were Alex’s mittens grey?

yes why

it’s possible i may have found one in Zoyushka’s coat pocket

i suggest we meet up for the exchange at 7:30AM Monday morning in the lobby and never speak of it again.

yes.

Sveta

Today, 9:17 PM

feel like coming over tomorrow night?

no.

???

okay that is pretty rude

we’re not having sex

☹️

why not

two words. I’m ENGAGED.

i’m pretty sure that's three words

don’t tell me THE ilya rozanov has fucked his way through the entire city already

i’m just really busy

too busy to find someone to fuck?

good news, there are little things that you put on your phone that helps you deal with that

they are called apps

you don’t even need to call the mother of your child for that, isn’t that neat

i bet you miss it

no

you weren’t boyfriend material then and you aren’t boyfriend material now

if covid hadn’t happened zoyushka wouldn’t even be here rn

i’m sorry babe but that’s just how it is

you are hurting my feelings

what feelings

have you suddenly decided you want to make room for a whole ass new person in your life?

maybe???

right. Bc that’s believable.

so that’s still a hard no?

if i say it with a heart emoji does it make it better

maybe

no ❤️

whatever

Rose

Today, 1:51 PM

why did i just get a text from the teacher asking me if Alex would be there tomorrow?

oh

rose

i just got back two days ago, i wanted to have him with me a bit longer

rose it’s fucking monday

you can’t just decide not to put him in school and without even TELLING ME

it’s kindergarten!!

and he did feel a little tired when i put him to bed last night, i just thought it would be preemptive. He was with me the whole time! we even painted you a mug.

Rozanov / Hollander

Today, 3:46 PM

Mrs Patterson

Mr. Hollander. Mr. Rozanov. I’m afraid we had another incident.

what kind of incident?

Mrs Patterson

Alex and Zoya were put in time out for disrupting circle time. They then proceeded to take advantage of another situation (classmate threw up) to slip out of the classroom together. Ms. Beaulier had to chase them all the way into the lobby.

Hollander

this sounds very much like a failure on YOUR part

i agree

Mrs Patterson

i’m very sorry that you may feel this way but the confusion only lasted a handful of seconds and unfortunately it seems that Zoya has a mind of her own when it comes to this.

are you saying my daughter is too much for you to do your job?

Mrs Patterson

I feel like we should probably have a little conversation with the children about safety, Mr. Rozanov. It’s important that they understand they are safer inside than outside. Would Friday at 3:30 work?

fine.

Hollander

i won’t be able to make it but i’ll have to see if Alex’s mother can join.

Rose

Today, 4:59 PM

so??

oh it went well. Zoya’s dad is really intense tho. Kinda felt bad for the teacher.

and you think Alex understood?

Shane, again. He’s four. I can’t stress this enough. I’m actually a little happy because it looks like he’s opening up a bit more lately.

that doesn’t mean he can or SHOULD put himself in danger

shane they didn’t even make it to the lobby

also the teacher says that Zoya’s bossing him around lowkey but i think it works well for him

what does that mean?

bullying?

nooo

like for example the other day they were drawing and stuff and she spent half the time standing next to him telling him the shape was wrong and he should try again

sounds like her fucking dad to always have an opinion on everything

yeah?

did you get a bit of a rainbow vibe too btw??

no i didn’t get a rainbow vibe. I’ve been too busy trying to keep him from pressing civil charges against OUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON

Hayden

Today, 11:21 AM

i’m kidnapping you

?

hello to you too

tonight, you, me, JJ, the whole gang

i have a kid

no you don’t. I know lil buddy is with Rose

how

i asked her

she says you need a night out

and probably a good fuck too

are you offering?

nice try, not working

i don’t need anyone discussing my sex life behind my back

besides Rose wouldn’t even know about that

isn’t she the mother of your kid

yes. exactly. we don’t talk about that stuff together.

why not?

because it’s weird.

we’re still going out either you want it or not

do you realize not everyone is a PE teacher? i’m building a case against illegal mining that could affect the landscape of an entire ecosystem

i’ll let the insult slide just for this time bc you REALLY fucking need to get laid bro

like wow

Harris

Today, 8:46 AM

can you get me some advil? i have back to back meetings all morning

sure thing

are we talking regular headache or the other kind

does that change anything

that will inform my decision to go grab bagels and black coffee and bring it to you during your 9.30

you’re a saint

Hollander

Yesterday, 6:01 PM

Saturday, 10am.

i can’t, i’m really sorry. I’m swamped at work.

we are all attorneys, Hollander, but we still make time.

this is the proper way to ensure your children do not become school shooters. or, like, paralegals.

funny.

i can’t. there’s been a spill

a spill

and people wonder why we don’t stream environmental court cases on TV

Today, 7:44 AM

what if i pick up your son and take them both to the playroom

my kid is not your daughter’s accessory of the month, at some point you WILL have to learn to say no

Mr Rozanov

Today, 4:32 PM

i’m sorry i overreacted, does your offer still stand?

depends

of what

the snacks are on you

sure fine whatever

text me the receipts

my nanny will drop him off to your place tomorrow

2886 Beacon

Hollander

Today, 5:03 PM

you did not spend $174 on the kids

are we married?

if you expect me to foot half of that bill, i WILL have something to say about it

it’s fucking insanity no kid needs TRUFFLE FRIES and fucking fresh mango smoothies

it’s important they discover new types of food

and how much of it did they eat

$34 for the entrance fee??

what happened to our usual playroom?

:)

oh grow the fuck up

it’s a boring playroom. Zoyushka wanted to do something different

i’m not paying that

why? i heard environmental law was where all the money is

we don’t bill every client $1200 an hour, i don't see what's so insane about that

i bill $1600

if they’re dumb enough to pay for that it’s their problem

Alex is a sweet kid

Hollander

Today, 5:03 PM

thanks for the plushie

don’t mention it

Mrs Patterson

Today, 10:08 AM

Mr Hollander, i’m really sorry, this is an emergency. Please call me ASAP.

Rose

Today, 10:41 AM

the school called

Alex is sick i’m taking him to the doctor

aww poor thing 🙁

fever?

yeah

Mom

Today, 8:23 PM

and here we go

oh my sweet baby!!

you were right, it’s fine, you may gloat

it’s okay honey, we all go through this. The earlier the better!

i'm calling you, don't wake him up

Mr Rozanov

Today, 8:51 PM

did your son infect my daughter

my son did nothing they probably got it from that stupid playroom you took them to

oh so now it’s MY fault? your son was sick FIRST

i don’t know and i don’t care. i have shit to do and a sick kid. Deal with your own crap.

doesn't your child have a mother

he has and you MET her. But now she's working on a set in fucking Hungary

ever since we met you and your stupid offspring it’s a new problem every fucking day

jesus christ it’s chickenpox every kid gets it, it’s not the end of the world but it’s pretty fucking annoying

how the fuck would i know i never got it

are you fucking real???????????

tell me Zoya is with her mom rn

no, Sveta is in London for a merger

i’m perfectly capable of handling my sick daughter, Hollander, FUCK you

oh my fucking god are you ALWAYS this fucking dense or do you just have ZERO common sense???

chickenpox is fucking contagious and it’s a lot fucking worse for adults than it is for kids

I’m fine

you are not

adults can develop pneumonia from chickenpox

you know what the next step is? pneumothorax

ADULT CHICKENPOX: THE MEDICAL REALITY

Why it's worse for adults:
● Immune system overreacts — adults have a more aggressive inflammatory response, which means more severe symptoms
● Higher risk of complications: pneumonia (most common), hepatitis, encephalitis (brain swelling), sepsis
● Hospitalization rate for adults is 10–20x higher than for children
● Fatality rate is low but not zero — about 1 in 10,000 adults (compared to 1 in 100,000 children)

Symptoms in adults (more severe than kids):
● High fever — often 39–40°C (102–104°F) for several days
● Rash is more extensive — hundreds to thousands of spots, can appear in mouth, throat, eyes, even genitals
● Extreme fatigue — can last weeks
● Body aches — like a very bad flu
● Headaches — often severe
● Loss of appetite — significant
● Cough/shortness of breath — early sign of pneumonia

The real danger:
● Varicella pneumonia develops in about 1 in 400 adults — can be life-threatening
● Scarring is more common in adults (deeper lesions)
● Recovery is slower — 2–3 weeks of active illness, then weeks of fatigue

did you just fucking use chatgpt

what the fuck do you want me to do, Sveta is in London

doesn’t Zoya have grandparents?

no

i mean Sveta has parents but they don’t exactly like me already and unfortunately it also extends to my daughter and it’s a fucking long story

that’s it?

none of my friends have fucking kids what am i supposed to do

jesus fucking christ

i’m coming to pick her up, get all her stuff ready and please i know it’s hard but try not to stay too close

you want me to give you, a virtual stranger, emergency custody of my own, sick daughter?

you better start rethinking your list of priorities before you’re wheeled into the ICU bc you can’t fucking breathe on your own

and they call ME dramatic?

Hollander

Today, 8:41 PM

what the fuck am i supposed to pack?

Jammies. Three changes minimum she’ll sweat right through them. Favorite blanket or whatever toy she likes best. Her pillow too.

i don’t have time to google shit rn you better not be fucking with me

right bc one sick kid wasn’t enough i had to do all that to get yours too for funsies

+1 438 555 0...

Today, 9:34 PM

Hi, this is Svetlana, Zoya’s mom. Thank you so much for offering to help us with this, it truly means the world. I’ll try to close this before the end of the week so hopefully i can take her off your hands as soon as possible.

it’s alright, don’t worry. The more the merrier or whatever they say.

genuinely thought her dad was going to kill me tho

yeah i can imagine

he’s dramatic af but he’s also a fucking moron and the best dad all at once

duality of a man or something

i’m going to make him promise not to harass you too much

thanks.

Elena

Today, 3:14 PM

Need your sign-off on the Greenline brief. I sent you notes yesterday. Client wants it EOD.

On it.

Hollander

Today, 9:59 PM

i just put them down to sleep i’m begging you i DO NOT have the energy to talk rn

stop calling everything is fine

i’m sorry.

she’s never been sick without either of us before

it’s okay i get it id be going insane too if it was the opposite

you would be worse

how?

i don’t know, i just have a feeling

right of course

you’re not sick are you?

no

good

how are you going to make this work with your firm?

i’m working remotely

brings back memories

i bet

that’s how we made zoyushka

TMI

oh please as if yours isn’t a pandemic baby too

technically not

how does the technicality factor into this?

Alex was born in June

so?

i’m not going to hold your fucking hand while you figure this out

oh so you guys conceived in 2019

you don’t have to be a child about this, we all know how children are made

whatever

we got bored during lockdown

sveta and i

the world was going to shit and we had so much time on our hands and we’re both fucking hot so we said why not

i want it on the record that i didn’t ask about any of this

it’s the only thing keeping me sane rn

deal with it

what about you

what about me what

you and Alex’s mother

were you together a long time?

no

?

really? nothing else?

i am pouring my heart out and i get a two-letter word?

It’s personal.

I’m this close to call the police for a wellness check, so please entertain me.

We just weren’t in the same place.

She wanted a straight man and i was figuring out i wasn’t one.

And did you figure this out before or after the first ultrasound?

Hollander

Today, 11:21 PM

Good night.

Hollander

Today, 6:32 AM

my bed is officially a contagion zone

are you sick?

no

i told you, you can’t get it again if you’ve had it

it was in the email i sent you

sorry if i didn’t read the 75 pages

it was 34

i bet your paralegals hate working for you

they love me because i’m extremely professional

how was the night?

they both snuck in my bed at some point

spots were itching. lots of tears and scratching but at least i didn’t have to keep going back and forth

how would you feel about setting up a camera in your bedroom

extremely weird, get your head checked

you can AT LEAST understand that i’m reluctant to just trust the first guy that comes around with my child in his BED

and that’s the only reason i haven’t packed her up and dropped her off on your doorstep like the cute little biohazard that she is

are they awake? i want to talk to her

sure, i’ll go get her

Hollander

Today, 7:49 AM

i need help

everything okay? is it Alex??

no sorry

how do i brush her hair i don’t know how to do that

shane it’s really not difficult, remember how you let your hair grow during the pandemic? that’s literally just like that but with a few inches

she’s got curls and i don’t want her dad to kill me

please please please

i think you’re having a nervous breakdown

have you called Yuna?

i’m not calling my mother

i can handle this

i’m calling Yuna

Harris

Today, 8:12 AM

The DEP called regarding the wetlands permit. They need additional documentation before approval. I scheduled a call for 2pm.

Mr Rozanov

Today, 9:58 AM

slight change of plans, my mom is coming over

can i have a full government name

no

you should already be happy that i’m doing my best to keep your daughter ALIVE and with her hair intact

what happened to her hair

nothing, that’s the point

if i see one hair missing i will file for child endangerment and permanent bodily injury

what the hell sure

Today, 7:04 PM

what’s the code for the door in the lobby?

what

i’m downstairs, give me the code

you can’t be here i told you

and how did you get my address??

that’s none of your business

i have stuff to drop off

stuff?

yes. like food.

1919

i have food

well, i’m bringing sick kid food.

thanks.

Today, 9:41 PM

just how many shots does zoya take before sleep?

she’s a true russian, she drinks straight from the bottle and she stops when she feels ready

thanks

i just assumed you would need a shot at some point

to get through the week and all

Harris

Today, 2:49 PM

I'm rescheduling Oasnoff to Thursday. Also moved your internal check-in. Please confirm this works.

Yes.

I can schedule it later if you need, just let me know! It's a rough week for you.

It's fine! I've got this.

just need to scream into a pillo

Sveta

Today, 9:08 PM

this man has the patience of a saint

i don’t know how he does it

i don’t know either

just seeing her woozy made me want to kill someone

she’s our tough little thing, she’s going to be fine and that’s one thing we will never have to worry about again

that’s kind of a win

right

any idea when you’re coming back?

they’re still arguing over leakage but we should be able to wrap this thing up by noon so i could maybe be home tomorrow night-ish

you’re gonna have to do something nice for him btw

who?

funny

i bought him a bottle of beluga

that’s like baseline

think harder

i’ll see

i’ll decide when i have my daughter back in MY care in one single healthy piece

he’s kind of hot

like really hot

cute glasses too

you didn’t tell me that

how do you know

he’s sending me pictures

he’s not on any of the pictures he’s sending me

:)

i’m starting to get it now

you’re getting nothing because there is nothing to get

do you know what his deal is?

what deal

straight, bi, married, divorced…?

i don’t care

i’ve never seen him around, he says he’s working in our building?

11th floor

their firm only opened two years ago

that’s what the mail room guy says

so you asked Kip for tips i see

what tips? i’m just trying to make sure our daughter doesn’t wind up with a serial killer who poses as an attorney

sure

Mr Rozanov

Today, 6:44 AM

39.3 is almost 40

there is a WORLD of a difference between 39.3 and 40

they said to call back if it hits 40

and it’s not

she’s really woozy

it’s 6.44AM of course she is WOOZY

you said she was awake

no i said she JUST woke up

jesus christ Alex is crying i gotta go

Hollander

Today, 9:31 AM

well spots are blistering

say a prayer for me because we’re in the thick of it now

Zoya’s back is covered but she’s only got one on her nose it’s weirdly cute

and Alex?

covered head to toe.

i can’t take a picture bc they’re too squirmy

Jackie

Today, 12:39 PM

Blackridge wants confirmation on the indemnity carve-out. They’re pushing back on the liability cap.

Also, opposing counsel moved closing to Thursday.

no to carve-out

keep the cap, thursday is fine

Hollander

Today, 3:27 PM

i don’t think we’re ever getting past the first 17 minutes of Zootopia

third time this week

this Bluey thing is a disease, they can not focus on anything

i’m considering starting a class action lawsuit

you need to stop trying to sue everybody and their mother

fever just keeps knocking them out cold

right

Sveta

Today, 5:41 PM

zoyushka’s got mouth sores

ugh i was dreading that. Did she get anything to eat? at all?

shane says she ate half a popsicle and about a quarter of a grilled cheese

that’s better than nothing ig

i’m more surprised that she let him look

how did he get her to do that? she bit her fucking pediatrician last time

he says they negotiated

negotiating? with Zoyushka?

he’s ready for a career change, the UN are waiting for him

Hayden

Today, 8:17 PM

do not ever have kids

?

i’m just saying it now

i know you want like a million of them but don’t ever do that

should i ask

i’m about to jump off the balcony

zoya keeps crying because she misses her dad but i can’t tell him that because he’s gonna take down the door and probably me with it

alex cries because zoya cries

and then when zoya stops crying bc she forgets about her dad, or her mom, or whatever it is, she starts crying because alex is crying

you should have let them handle that by themselves

it just happened like that

right

got nothing to do with the fact he’s hot

of course it doesn’t

so you admit he’s hot

he's so much worse than ho

Jackie

Today, 9:44 AM

Luca incorporated your comments on section 4.2 but I still need your input.

it's good. Ask him to tighten paragraph 3.

is he still calling me Mr Rozanov?

Yes.

Jesus Christ.

Sveta

Today, 10:07 AM

did you call him five times already?

who

SHANE

my god stop playing coy it’s not fucking cute

i promised him you would go easy on him

this is me going easy on him

and i can't believe he ratted me out

he said the fever is breaking, he TOLD you, we’re getting there. Stop harassing him.

Dad told me you let one of your clients pull out of the negotiations right before closing

care to explain?

you are not a senior partner i don’t need to explain myself

fine.

just keep your eyes on the ball for one more day, i’ll be flying back tonight

Mr Rozanov

Today, 11:51 PM

thank you for taking care of Zoyushka

you didn’t have to and i appreciate that

it’s okay we’re good

i told Svetlana she could wait until tomorrow but she insisted