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"Is everyone OK? Anyone low on hearts?" Sprout asked.
Vee ignored the replies of her team as she stared at the elevator door, waiting for Dandy to descend them to the proper level and unleash yet another floor upon them. It was simple routine at this point for Vee to watch vigilantly for the first possible moment she could hack the floor's cameras and locate the twisteds and machines.
Sprout turned to her. Vee hoped he'd turn away again as soon as he noticed she still had two hearts. But, of course, she didn't always get what she wanted, did she?
"Vee, can you run a diagnostic?" he asked.
Vee rolled her eyes dramatically, making sure he could plainly see her exasperation.
"Sprout, you don't have to pester me every floor," she said.
"I'm just being careful," Sprout replied. "Please?"
The real question was if shutting him up by just doing what he asked was worth it happening all over again the very next floor.
Vee's screen visibly flickered as the majority of her currently running power was redirected to her diagnostic equipment. Sprout's smile was now one of the most annoying images in Vee's mind, (the winners in the annoying department of course being various shots of, ugh, Dandy.)
Vee_v1
2/2 Hearts
Mild irregularity detected in Right Ankle
Emergency Respawn Fully Functional
"I'm fine," Vee said. "Stop worrying about me, I can handle myself."
Sprout's eyebrows furrowed. "I just want to make sure no one on the team dies. I don't like it when it happens temporarily, if you hardcore die on us, I'll—it's my job to make sure that doesn't happen."
"No," Vee corrected, "it's my fault if I die. My own body, my own consequences."
"As the healer—"
"Shut up!" Vee snapped. "Just cut it out. I don't need concern. I'm fixed. Brightney fixed it. That stupid sh–[bzzt] is never going to happen again, so just shut up."
Sprout was about to say more. Vee saw his mouth open to protest. But then the door opened and, fortunately for Vee, the concurring rush separated them.
She hadn't meant to snap. She rarely meant to get angry in general. Really, it was everyone else's faults for being so annoying. But maybe it was Vee's own fault for being unable to control herself. But it wasn't fair! No one ever had to deal with the same things she did, they didn't!
"Vee, baby," Glisten said, sliding up beside her as they walked. "Something's up."
"Nothing's up. Stop asking."
There she was, huffy and irritated all over again. She couldn't catch a break from herself.
"You and Sprout haven't been getting along this run," Glisten pressed.
"It's fine. Berryboy's just being dramatic," Vee replied.
"Well, you know me! I love dramatics, so do tell," Glisten said, leaning in.
Vee tapped her microphone, highlighting the machines and twisteds on the floor. She should've done it as soon as she left the elevator, but it was hard to remember the basic steps when everything was all up on her like this.
"Vee, no one thinks you're less just because you were in that deep trouble once," Glisten said suddenly.
"I wasn't thinking that!" Vee protested.
But, well, she kind of was? Because how many other toons were so fragile they could just. Lose the ability to live. And, just like that, death is real. Like… it really was just Vee, wasn't it? Every other toon was biological in some way. Vee was circuits and wires, fully through-and-through. There was no way to change that.
She spotted a machine up ahead and Glisten let her take it. He was faster, so he could've stolen it if he wanted, but he was sweet like that.
"Honesty is sexy, hon," Glisten said.
"Good thing I don't give a [bzzt–] about that, then," Vee replied, spinning the valve on the machine.
Glisten tutted. "You're been cussing more often, too. Don't you obsess over being PG most of the time?"
Vee rolled her eyes. "Does it sound like I'm cussing? Static is not the same thing. I couldn't say [–bzzt] you if I tried."
"Girl, you used to be so uptight about even implying the word. So stop lying about everything being normal, because it's not," Glisten said.
Vee growled, hitting the last skill check of the machine.
She turned to find the next machine to extract from. Glisten, of course, followed.
"You can back off, you know," Vee bit out. "There's plenty to extract this floor."
"You have to tell me what your whole deal is!" Glisten snapped.
Vee clenched her hands into fists. "Glisten," she hissed, "I don't care that I've known you for ages, I don't care that you're always like this, I don't care that you're stubborn as [bzz–t]—k, just [bzzt]–ing back off."
Vee watched Glisten's face fall through her peripherals. Something in her core twisted, but the part of her that didn't care was stronger. Who cared that Glisten knews her better than almost every toon in the facility? Who cared that he was on equal footing with Brightney by sticking with her more than any other toon out there?
A stubborn [b–zzt] is just that, there was no other way for it to be.
"Heya, guys!" Goob called from his distracting circle as Vee passed.
"Hey, Goobie!" Glisten responded cheerfully, still following Vee. "Wow, that's a lot of twisteds! You're near perfect at this whole distracting thing, I'd say."
"Thanks!" Goob exclaimed, eyes brightening from the compliment.
…And that was a sort of proof, wasn't it. Glisten wasn't a terrible person. He never had been. Ichor, Vee felt awful. What was up with her today? She was just so angry and stressed, and, well, that wasn't exactly unusual for her at all, but this… was she going a little far, today? She should be the one backing off, in all honesty.
There was the last machine, now. Glisten glided up to it, ignoring Vee completely, but she deserved it. She knew she did.
Her antenna stung as she made her way back to the elevator in preparation for panic. She shouldn't pull on them, she knew she shouldn't. But no one was around to see right then, and it was the only thing that made her feel sorta OK. Nothing felt OK anymore.
Honestly, why didn't it feel OK? It should, by all rights. That is to say, this weird, annoying funk Vee was in was stupid and worthless and shouldn't even be real. Maybe it wasn't real and Vee was just making it up to excuse her poor behavior.
Not a lot of things felt real since she climbed up the elevator shaft a week ago.
Panic hit and Vee easily stepped into the elevator. The other toons on the team followed, and soon Dandy was sending them down another floor with no complications. Perfect.
It was routine. It was normal. But something in the back of Vee's head told her that she should still be feeling something. That this hollow raw numbness consuming her everything wasn't normal.
She pulled on her antenna again, trying to be discreet. It didn't hurt enough. Didn't feel enough.
"Vee."
Of course. Vee glared furiously at Sprout, who'd, again, come to bother her.
"For the love of Ichor, just run the diagnostic without any of the fuss," Sprout said, exasperated.
"I. Am. Fine," Vee grit. "When would I even have had the chance to break in the past five minutes? Be serious!"
"Just. Run. It," Sprout matched her tone.
"Fine!" she shouted.
Naturally, everyone in the small room turned to see what the yelling was about. Vee made sure to direct power from her visual sensors this time, refusing to acknowledge their faces. When she tuned back in, most people were deep in conversation again, (or at least pretending to be.)
"I'm fine. Functional. Stop bothering me," she said.
"Vee, I feel like you haven't really been yourself today," Sprout sighed.
A pang of jealousy shot through Vee's wires. Because it was so easy for Sprout to just calm down and be neutral again. Vee wanted that. She wanted it badly.
"I feel like you need to shut the [bzzt] up," Vee snapped, once again proving her inability to manage her anger.
"OK, sheesh, calm down," Sprout said, taking a step back. "Look, I'm just making sure you're OK."
"And I never asked you to," Vee growled.
Sprout did leave, then, rolling his eyes on the way. Vee felt bad. Horrible. What was wrong with her?
Ever since the climb in the elevator shaft, nothing felt right. Something inside of her was torn or something, it just wasn't right anymore and now nothing felt right.
Everyday, everynight, the same thought would plague her. That it would be so easy to undo Brightney's fix on her respawn. That she could just die and be dead forever. It was possible. It was in reach.
The only thing that seemed to stop her was the knowledge that if it didn't work, and it probably wouldn't considering how many people were constantly all over the facility, (she'd be caught long before she could finish the attempt,) then she'd never be given that chance again. That she'd be stiffled.
If Sprout was bad now, how much worse would he be then? After he knew Vee wanted to damage and degrade herself and she just wanted to die and not have to deal with any of this ever again. Deal with herself.
She was already dying, anyway.
The simple fact was that everyone was dying. Slowly, sure. The effects dulled by the respawner, sure. But even that wouldn't last forever. And Vee knew it was different for her. Her mechanical body was failing more and more each day. The irregularity in her right ankle? It'd been bothering her since her climb in the elevator shaft. She knew she'd get used to it in time, but it would never be fully better again.
Brightney had offered to replace Vee's parts, but they both knew there wasn't any other metal of such high quality anywhere in Gardenview. It would be pointless to try to preserve her, anyway.
In a way, Vee probably refused because she wanted to wear out so far that one day she just couldn't function entirely. That was part of the reason, anyway.
These days, (whenever "these days" had begun, she couldn't remember,) simply waiting for her end wasn't enough. She wished desperately for death to arrive sooner. She wanted to help it along. Really badly.
She couldn't handle this.
Vee tuned back into the world as the door screeched open. The sound grated her. It was terrible. Usually it didn't feel that bad. Something was wrong.
But that was OK, because there was always something wrong with Vee. She couldn't fix it if she tried. Because she had tried, before. It had never worked out. She had never succeeded. There was no point to trying any of that anymore.
She wanted to die.
Vee swept out of the elevator and preformed her mic check. If there was one thing she could still do, it was extract. Right? She could do that, right? That part of her hadn't broken yet?
No, no, of course not. She was being silly. It was so hard to think.
She spun the valve to the machine. When it had gotten here in front of her, she had no idea. But that was fine. She could do her job. She could. This was the only thing she could do.
She couldn't run fast or hide well or boost anyone. But she could extract.
And she hit all her skill checks perfectly. Yay. That meant she still belonged.
The ichor was almost to the lid. The machine was almost fully done being extracted from. Sprout ran over.
"Can I finish?" he asked.
Vee blinked. Sprout needed to finish machines to earn tapes, which in turn enabled him to heal others. It was well known that when Sprout asked to finish a machine, you let him. Vee stood back and let him.
She felt so numb. It took her several seconds to even remember to go to the next machine instead of just standing there like a buffoon.
She saw Goob on the way. He was doing really well, popping and weaving around crates as he kept the twisteds full attention on him. Vee found herself mildly impressed.
That was good. She could still feel. Everything felt so distant.
She was back in the elevator, then, somehow. Glisten was watching her in concern. But he didn't come up to pester her. Vee should've felt bad for yelling at him earlier, but right now she wasn't sure she cared. At least she had some peace right now.
"Vee?"
Of course it was Sprout.
"Please just run the diagnostic, for your own sake."
Vee glared. She felt stubborn. She didn't want to give in. Even though she knew it was just making things harder for herself.
She checked. Still functional.
There was still some time before the door would open. Vee turned to Goob.
"Hey, you're, like, not that bad at distracting," she said, because it was only right to let him know. He deserved to know he was skilled, because he was. And Vee knew he was young and might need extra reassurance.
But something must've come out wrong, because Goob's face immediately fell. Vee glanced around, entirely confused. How in Gardenview could you even misinterpret that?
"Tone, darling," Glisten said before looking away again.
Oh. It had sounded mean, like she was putting Goob down. Like she was saying he couldn't possibly be that terrible and yet he was. She'd meant to tell him he was better than he thought he was.
This always happened to Vee. She clutched her wrist with her other hand, digging her fingers in as hard as she could. The pain was dull. It didn't feel worth it.
She should apologize to Glisten for yelling at him. It didn't feel worth it. He'd just misunderstand it, anyway. Everyone did.
Vee was so tired.
The door rolled up, revealing a warehouse floor.
Vee went through the motions. Locating the twisteds for Goob, traveling to the machines, alerting Sprout to the presence of tapes. It felt so hollow. She was hollow.
She was at the far edge of the map, somehow, doing the last machine. Glisten stopped by.
"Vee?"
Vee registered the words slowly. Something was wrong with her.
"…Do you need to head back up soon? It's just that you look really stressed and I'd hate for you to stay that way," Glisten said.
"I'm fine," Vee answered.
"'K! But your body language tells me a whole 'nother story," Glisten said.
Vee shrugged. Glisten bit his lip.
"Look," he said. "I know you hate being perceived as weak. But no one's going to judge if you need to head up early. This is your first run since the… one. So everyone'll understand if you still need to recover."
"I don't need to recover," Vee said through her teeth. "I need to extract."
"Honey, this isn't healthy."
"You don't give a [bzzt–] about health," Vee pointed out.
"I jog in the mornings!" Glisten protested.
"At 4 AM after you stayed up 'til midnight doing your beauty routine, so, like, the atrocious sleep schedule fully cancels it out. You're in, like, the negatives of health."
Glisten smiled. A small smile, but it still caught Vee's attention. She let a slight smile display on her screen, too. Glisten was trying to help. He was always good at that, at least when it came to Vee. Knowing each other for years had taught them a lot.
Vee spun the valve on the machine one last time, triggering panic mode.
Glisten clearly held himself back to her pace as he led Vee back towards the elevator. The action felt fuzzy and sweet. And maybe that among all the other distractions in her numb head was what led to the next thing Vee did.
See, the wet floor warning signs aren't supposed to mean anything. But the warehouse floors were just damp in general, apparently causing this puddle to not have evaporated. Another thing was that the locations pointed out by wet floor signs usually weren't really wet at all, just a little moist and slippery.
This? This was a puddle. And Vee stumbled right in.
The sound of her trip rung around her ears, but she couldn't even register hearing it with the pain suddenly overwhelming her everything. She gasped, the water sloshing even farther inside her body, plunging her even deeper into agony.
It hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt—
Something was yelling. Something was dragging her out. It hurt. Everything hurt.
Was she dying?
Oh, Ichor, she was. It hurt.
There was… a lot she hadn't said yet. She didn't want to die. Not right now. There was still so much to do. So many loose ends—she couldn't just give it all up now! It wasn't right yet!
She forced her eyes to work. Glisten was over her, looking concerned. Really concerned. Which made sense, since Vee was literally dying and all and she hadn't even apologized for yelling at him yet.
"Glis?" The word dragged out like screeching metal, rough and cracked. It hurt.
"Vee? Vee!"
Glisten was shouting, but it was hard to hear. Everything hurt, it hurt so much, everything was on fire.
"S—sor—ry," she choked out.
It wasn't enough. It was never enough. There were still so many things to fix. Just apologizing to Glisten wasn't enough.
Vee didn't want to die.
What about Brightney? She was wonderful. She'd fixed Vee's whole respawn issue. Had Vee ever properly thanked her? Or had she been dismissive, as always? And what about Sprout? Vee kept yelling at him. He didn't deserve that. He was so much better than that and he deserved to be treated as such. And Goob? He'd misunderstood Vee and now he'd think Vee didn't like him forever, which just wasn't true!
Vee didn't want to die. It was so scary now, wasn't it? To know that death wasn't escape. It was a cruel end before everything can be fixed. Vee had to fix it.
"I—y… yelled… at—you," she gasped.
"No, no, Vee, it's OK, I promise it's OK, I know how you get, I know you didn't mean anything by it, it's OK," Glisten stammered out.
Vee didn't feel like trying to comprehend all that. So much effort when everything was hazy from the pain.
Vee_v1
1/2 Hearts
! HEAVY WATER DAMAGE SUSTAINED !
! EMERGENCY RESPAWN COMPROMISED !
Oh. Noooooo… that was not good…
"Hurts," Vee coughed.
"I know, honey, I know, I, uh… I think that, yeah, the elevator left already. Or, I know that, sorry, um. Sorry, I'm rambling, uh, should—should you just die now? To… to stop the pain? We have to, anyway," Glisten said.
"N…" Vee trailed off, body shuddering.
She needed to tell him. He should know she was compromised again. That if she died he wouldn't see her up top in the lobby like he was supposed to. But Vee also didn't like that finicky little thought that she was weak.
Because, well. She already needed to be repaired again. It'd been a week! This was the first run since she'd gotten fixed the first time! How pathetic was it that she already needed help? Vee? The great and spectacular Vee, whom children and toons alike look up to?
Glisten himself looked up to Vee, that she knew. Could she really prove how unworthy she was of the idolization again? The second time in seven days?
Really. She was pathetic.
"Glis, I—" But what was there to say? And the water damage was slowly frying her systems, making it almost impossible to form thoughts and speak.
"Vee?" Glisten said, a tremble of fear in his voice.
Could Vee really just lie here and die in Glisten's arms? Trying to hide her condition was what was pathetic about her. Ichor, she hated herself.
"'Spawn—broke," she forced past her fizzing vocal synth.
Her optics were still clear enough to watch the horror dawn on Glisten's face. It was terrible. Vee was terrible. Doing this to her self-proclaimed bestie? Right in front of him? He didn't need to see this, to have to experience this.
The first time this had happened, Vee was alone. Now she was with someone, and that was ten times worse. Who could've expected it?
"Vee, are you serious?" Glisten asked. "No, of course you are, you'd never admit this in a million years, much less joke about it." He huffed a weak chuckle. "Uh… I need to do something about this. Shit. Don't—don't worry, I can do this!"
Vee closed her eyes. The agony was getting more manageable. She could sense Glisten's arms around her. They were warm. Vee was suddenly grateful the handlers had had the foresight to put thermal receptors on her, originally for the purpose of judging which mechanical equipment was too hot and needed a rest, but now it meant Vee could feel the gentle warmth of Glisten clinging onto her.
Glisten didn't know how to help. That much was abundantly clear. He liked to pretend he had it all together, and Vee didn't hate to indulge him in it, but this time was different. If Vee died, how would Glisten feel? How long would he grieve? He was holding on this tightly, this fearfully already and she wasn't even fully dead yet.
Vee forced her processor to work. None of that fuzzy numb stuff from earlier. Pain made it hard to think, but at the same time it cleared something away, making it possible again.
"…You ne—ed to die," Vee managed to say. "G—get… hel—help."
"No!" Glisten sobbed.
He was crying. He always was a crier, much as he loath to admit it. The trace ichor present in the tears his body made were enough that it didn't hurt too badly as he weeped onto her chest.
"Have—to," Vee forced. "I'll… make it." …Maybe.
Glisten would have to see that this was the only solution. He could still be revived, and once he was, he'd be back in the lobby. And when he was there, he could get the help they needed. It was perfect. Glisten always did like perfect things, didn't he?
"Vee, I—am I supposed to leave you?" Glisten desperately asked through his tears.
Vee nodded. "Not—long. You'll…—be fine."
Glisten wailed. It was odd to be feeling this maternal as she was just contemplating suicide minutes ago, Vee decided.
"Do—n't have much ti—… time," Vee rasped. "…Lov—"
Her voice checked out at that moment, leaving a weight on Vee's chest. She hoped Glisten understood. Understood that she believed in him. That she knew he could do this. Because he could. Vee would last long enough, hopefully. Sure, her body was destroying itself with short-circuits, but she had time, right?
"I, uh… I—OK. I'll—I'll go, just… don't die OK?" His voice was so weak.
Vee smiled in response. Anything to show him that he could do this. He just needed faith.
Glisten swallowed, then shifted, starting to stand up.
"I'll lead the, uh, twisteds away… OK, Vee? I, um, well, I… love you, too."
He let her head lay back on the floor. It was so soft. So gentle.
The sounds of him running away echoed through the room. Vee struggled to stay awake, fighting against her dying everything. She… she just had to last. She could do this.
The sound of Glisten's death felt like a stake to the heart. Not that Vee had to pleasure of knowing how that actually felt, being physically heartless and all.
A realization seeped its way into Vee's mind. She could die now. She had plenty of excuse. There was a fair chance no one would even know it was suicide. There were plenty of dangers here. Vee could… die. Right now. She really could.
…Should she? She almost wanted to again. But she'd gone through all that work to convince Glisten she wasn't dying, hadn't she? Could she really give up now?
…A twisted would probably find her before help arrived. In that way, it wasn't Vee's fault if a twisted killed her or if it didn't kill her. It was fully up to chance.
Pain laced through Vee's body. She almost wondered what would happen if she died. But in that way, what would happen if she didn't die? And why waste time on hypotheticals?
People would hate her either way. If she die, she would be hated for committing suicide. If she didn't die, she'd be hated for almost dying. And a hundred more things could be hated about her in any sort of case.
…She felt lonely. She was alone.
And it hurt.
She let her body fall away. Whatever happened to her now wasn't her problem. At least, she hoped it wouldn't be.
She was alone. And she was scared. But it would be OK. She didn't want to think anymore.