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When Vee woke up, the first thing she saw were the colorful walls of the Gardenview infirmary. She blinked dumbly. The last thing she remembered was the warehouse floor where she'd slipped in the puddle.
Speaking of water and water damage, though, Vee was in significantly less pain than before. She looked down at herself. Bandages were wrapped up and down her arms. Feeling nauseous, she pulled back the thin sheet that had been draped over her, revealing the rest of her wrapped body.
She was covered in bandages, protecting her damaged metal as her self-maintenance functions struggled to work.
They really shouldn't have put so much effort into it. How long would it take Vee to heal? Far too long, anyway, that much was clear. Every other toon had bodies that knew how to repair itself. Vee had a rusty chassis and old, buggy systems.
Vee raised her right hand, wincing at the ache, and began unwinding the wraps around her left arm. The metal underneath had spots of rust and scorch mark petechiae, the aftermath of water getting in underneath and causing short circuits. It was ugly. Vee stopped, wondering if she should rewrap the bandage.
She looked so invalid with them on. She continued removing it, moving on to her right arm after discarding the first roll.
"Vee? You're up! Hey!" Cosmo rushed into the room, catching her hand to prevent her unhealthy efforts. "Vee, you need to keep these on so you can heal properly."
"I'm not even flesh, it barely matters for me," Vee pointed out.
"But they do help, so please keep them on," Cosmo said, pulling the bandages back around where she'd taken them off.
Cosmo looked upset, which didn't make Vee feel great. But this wasn't exactly the first time this had happened, either, so it would be fine. Vee was… generally a terrible patient. If Sprout and Cosmo, (and Ginger, on occasion,) were just better at, like, accommodating her, it'd be fine, but they kept insisting on ridiculous things.
"Just so you know, Sprout's putting you on bedrest for at least a couple days," Cosmo mentioned as he worked.
Ridiculous things like bedrest.
Bedrest was some sort of torture device created by the gods specifically to torment Vee as far as she was concerned. OK, she wasn't the only toon to have a personal grudge against enforced bedrest, but, seriously, Vee was literally a robot and needed that sort of stuff way less than any other toon.
"And you're not getting out of it, sorry. Sprout is being very insistent, since, y'know… your condition and all," Cosmo continued.
Well, now Vee just felt even more disabled than she had before.
"I can handle myself!" she snapped, righteously.
"Uh. You did almost… die… twice now," Cosmo said, looking away nervously. "We have a right to be concerned."
OK, so, did that just mean Vee had no rights herself, then? Whoever decided that just because someone was weak meant they could be controlled, anyway?
Vee wasn't weak, and she'd like to prove it to that culprit.
The door slammed open, causing both Cosmo and Vee to jolt in surprise. Dandy stood in the doorway, panting. Dread sunk into Vee underneath her skin.
"Cosmo! Could I have a moment alone with Vee?" Dandy asked hurriedly.
"Uh—"
"Thanks!" Dandy interrupted, practically shoving Cosmo out of the room and closing the door behind him.
"Oh, just the guy I wanted to see today," Vee said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
Dandy marched over and slammed a hand on the bedside table menacingly.
"Did you do that on purpose," it said lowly.
Vee paused, thoroughly confused. Dandy made an irritated gesture with his other hand that meant nothing to Vee, but something clicked in her at that point.
"Oh, you mean, slipping in a puddle? Why the [bzzt–] would I do that on purpose?" Vee answered coldly.
"Because!" Dandy shouted. "You're suicidal!"
"Not so loud," Vee hissed, eyes wide. Cosmo could be eavesdropping on them right outside the door, didn't Dandy care?!
"Did you break your respawn again on purpose?" Dandy asked tightly, voice thankfully lowered.
"No!" Vee snapped, which was true. "Wait—are you implying the first time was on purpose?"
"I don't know what to think, Vee! Here I am, thinking the most adored toon in Gardenview couldn't possibly need anything more, and then suddenly you're threatening to let go of ladders and forcing your best friends to leave you alone on dangerous floors," Dandy spat.
Vee froze.
That—it wasn't true, it just wasn't. Dandy was the most adored toon, never Vee, no matter how hard she'd tried, and she'd had to make Glisten leave, it was to save her.
Did… maybe Dandy just wished she'd killed herself sooner? Could that work?
"You're so selfish!" Dandy added, pounding their hand on the table again.
Selfish?
Vee always was a little self-absorbed. She knew that. But she did care about other people, didn't she? She kept putting in all this effort to be there for Brightney and Glisten. They wanted her to survive, didn't they? Why else would Vee fight herself so often if they didn't even care?
Was Vee just too selfish to notice their disdain? Was she projecting her disgusting will to live onto her friends, disregarding how they didn't even want her? Were they even friends?
Something about this didn't make sense. Vee was supposed to live. Then why didn't anything make sense? Why was the only logical explanation that she had to die?
The door was aggressively shoved open for the second time that day. This time it was Sprout who appeared, Cosmo standing nervously behind him.
"Tell me why Cosmo's standing outside the closed door to a high-priority medical patient while yelling sounds from inside it?" Sprout growled, glaring back and forth between Dandy and Vee.
"'High-priority'?" Dandy scoffed.
"You'd be high-priority, too, if the slightest exertion put you at near definite chance of death," Sprout shot at him. "Now I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"Hey!" Vee protested. "I'm not an invalid."
Sprout rounded on Vee. "I don't care what you are except you are going to stay in bed and heal until Brightney can figure out this everything."
"Oh!" Vee exclaimed, hands clenching into tense fists, "so are we deciding Brightney is the problem, now? What, exactly, makes you think I can't handle my own blame on my own?"
"What?" Sprout snapped back. "No! Where you even getting this?"
"Hey, I'm only repeating what you said," Vee growled.
Everyone kept saying all these things and everything and always got so upset when Vee simply interpreted them. It didn't make sense.
"Dandy, you need to leave," Cosmo said awkwardly.
Because of course Dandy was still here, eyes boring into Vee's soul. Because it wouldn't just leave her alone. Because something was wrong with her but she didn't know what, she didn't know what.
"Dandy, get the fuck out of here and stop bothering my patient. She's going through something and especially with the whole respawn thing, just leave her alone," Sprout said firmly.
Dandy grit his teeth as Cosmo pulled them from the room. But at least he went.
"I'm not going through anything," Vee huffed. She picked at the edge of her bandage.
"Keep that on," Sprout snapped.
Vee glared at him resolutely as she continued picking at it. She had freewill, she did, she swore she did.
Sprout sighed and crossed his arms. Closing his eyes, he breathed in deeply, exhaling slowly. When he focused on Vee again, he seemed far more relaxed, eyes softened and shoulders less tense.
How come he was able to get over things so easily? He was stressed all the time, it was pretty obvious he was, and yet he lived with it so easily. And here Vee was, constantly just causing more and more problems.
"Vee. Let's talk about your situation," Sprout said, clearly trying to be hospitable.
"Let's not," Vee responded, unwilling to facilitate him.
"I'm not convinced you should be going on runs at all anymore."
Vee's wires ran cold. What?
OK, so she was useless? She was proven right.
Usually, Vee liked being right. But this pooled in her gut like something foul. This was something she couldn't handle.
Vee swung her legs off the edge of the medical bed, slipping off and standing.
"Hey!" Sprout tried to protest, but Vee just walked right past.
He caught her wrist as she opened the door to leave. The sensation burned, vile.
"Get your DISGUSTING hands off me!" Vee nearly shrieked, jerking herself out of his grasp.
"Vee—"
Vee wasn't about to listen to him a second longer, immediately heading down the hall without hesitation. Sprout jogged and caught up, slowing to walk beside her.
"We have to talk about the duration of your bedrest, for one," he continued.
At least he wasn't touching her this time, but that didn't mean she wasn't more than happy to ignore him.
"I think you need to stay in your room until Cosmo and I can properly assess the side-effects of water damage, at least."
Vee's visual display twitched. Could this dumb strawberry get any more irritating? What in Gardenview made him think he could enforce bedrest on her?
"I'm clearly fine," she pointed out.
"Probably, hopefully, yes," Sprout responded. "But there could always be something that will take a couple days to present, or otherwise are just complicated to notice. And if you're hurt, I want you to be in as little danger as possible."
Vee scoffed. There would be nothing wrong with her, that she was sure of. And it wasn't like Sprout could keep her in her room, anyway; he'd tried in the past to no avail.
"You're staying in there this time. I've got people willing to help me out in that regard," Sprout added, immediately shattering Vee's perspective. "Turns out a lot more people are amiable to the idea of helping keep you safe when you keep nearly dying on us."
"I don't need to be kept safe," Vee said. Her systems felt buzzy and weird.
"Vee, you matter, and everyone just wants to keep you safe," Sprout said.
Vee felt sick as she opened the door of her room. There was so much wrong with that phrase Sprout'd said, but he would never admit it.
"Remember, don't overexert yourself," Sprout called as Vee shut the door on his face.
Vee was selfish. Dandy had been right, infuriatingly enough. Why he pretended to care, then turned around and started insulting her, Vee didn't know, but they were right, and that hurt.
Her arms hurt.
Why had she done it?
She was so, so selfish.
She didn't feel like putting the bandages back on. She didn't deserve protection from the sting of the air hitting her cuts. She didn't deserve to cut in the first place, but she had, and this was her consequence.
Vee didn't know what to do.
She'd never done something like this before. Pulled her antenna, sure. Hitting herself on blunt objects sure. Never cutting. But her normal methods hadn't done anything to save her this time, and she just wanted to be free, so… she'd cut.
Everything felt far away. Really, really far away. She couldn't even remember what happened five minutes ago. Or, she knew she'd been cutting, but it was like she couldn't visualize it, couldn't feel it, just… knew it was true. Probably, true, anyway. It was so hard to remember.
And everything from the infirmary? And the terrible run? Maybe it was all a weird dream. Vee felt really weird right now.
She sat on the edge of her bed, unable to think. She was upset over something, right? She felt like she wanted to start crying, but also like she didn't. It was hard to feel. Her screen ached, unsure whether to simulate tears or not.
Vee was selfish. Refusing to remember anything bad that happened to her. She knew Dandy had yelled at her, but the impact of that was so, so far away, it didn't matter at all. She knew Sprout was being annoying, as usual, and she only felt a little ashamed at that.
If Vee was just better, no one would have any reason to ever be upset with her at all. She wished she were better.
She had been really good, once. Her gameshow had been one of if not the most popular attraction in all of Gardenview. She seemed to be degrading since then. Not just in body. She was losing herself. Becoming selfish.
Or… had she always been selfish? Maybe she had. Was she created wrong? Was she just a bad toon? Undeserving of anything? Probably…
Vee felt cold. She didn't want to deal with this.
The cuts weren't leaking ichor anymore, a film formed over them. She'd barely gone deep at all, and here she was moaning and groaning as if she'd amputated a limb. She sucked.
Vee forced herself to redo the bandages. She had to look the part. She had to be normal, give as little reason to be hated as possible. She checked her handiwork. Something curdled inside her chest. Why had she even cut in the first place.
She hated herself. There was nothing worth anything about her. She wanted to die. Why was everyone so against that idea?
Why did Dandy think it was selfish?
It was the only solution. Was Vee supposed to just get better? Instantly? Just… stop being so bad? She didn't think she could do that if she tried. She had to try. It was so hard.
A knock sounded from her door.
Be normal. Answer the door.
Vee got up, ignoring the blurriness of her head, and opened the door. Outside stood Glisten and Brightney. Vee felt like a deer in the headlights. What did they want? Were they here to confess they hated her? Something similar?
"Goodness, darling, you're covered all over!" Glisten gasped, looking at the wraps.
Vee felt something shameful at the mention. She shouldn't have gotten injured like that, it only caused trouble.
"You're not in too much pain, are you? Water can damage you badly," Brightney fretted.
Brightney shouldn't have to worry. Vee felt terrible.
"We only just now found out you'd woken up," Glisten continued. "Really, the communication in this place is horrible."
Should Vee have gone and told them she was up? Was this her fault? She hadn't known… but, then again, these two were supposed to be her best friends—she should've known they'd want to know. Idiot. Selfish.
"But, anyway, how've you been?" Glisten finished.
Vee buffered. "…Uh, fine." Why had it taken her so long to respond? Why was it so hard to think?
"You're sure?" Brightney asked. "You were hurt pretty bad by the time I got to you."
"You were dead!" Glisten cried, eyes suddenly watery.
What? Dead? Then how was she still here?
"Yeah, I was barely able to kickstart your respawn again before you went completely braindead," Brightney said, an edge of stress on her voice.
Vee had caused so much trouble. Too much trouble. Making Brightney stress over her like this? Making Glisten cry again? Could Vee get any worse? She was terrible. Selfish.
Glisten sniffed hard, rubbing at his eyes. Brightney looked tensed and worried. Vee was so, so terrible.
"Sorry," Vee said, the word coming out choppy and weird.
How was she so pathetic she couldn't even apologize right?
Glisten lurched forward, falling into her, clinging tightly as he sobbed into her shoulder. Vee froze at the touch, and the pressure burned her sensitive metal, but how could she ever say no to Glisten?
"S—sorry, I shouldn't cry, I just—" Glisten sniffed hard, rubbing at his eyes "—I don't want you to die, I don't wanna leave you."
"It's OK," Vee said, awkwardly trying to return the embrace. She'd hugged him before, why was it so hard now? "It's fine."
"No!" Glisten cried. "No, it's not!"
"Vee, you would've really actually died if Glisten hadn't gotten to us in time and we hadn't gotten to you so quickly," Brightney added.
Vee didn't know how she was supposed to respond. But she felt like she had messed up again and they were telling her off. She felt terrible.
"I was on hands and knees trying to get Dyle to radio Dandy," Glisten said past the tear gunk in his throat. He tried to smile, because having to beg was a little bit funny, but the crying drowned it out.
"…Sorry," Vee said again.
"Don't apologize, you couldn't have known any of that was going to happen. We were just worried about you," Brightney said quickly, resting a hand on the shoulder Glisten wasn't dripping snot all over.
Vee was still guilty. She always was. Of course she was.
Her arms stung, and they didn't even know. That realization struck Vee like a lightning bolt. How could she do this to them? They couldn't know—they couldn't. Even if it was wrong and selfish to keep this to herself and not tell them. She couldn't hurt them.
These two were the most important people in her life. If they were so upset about this, surely they'd actually hate her if they knew she hurt herself on purpose. Guilt boiled in her chest. She couldn't do this.
Glisten drew back, then, and Vee immediately snapped back to focus. Why was he leaving? Had she done something wrong again?
"Sorry, sorry, I—I really should stop crying," Glisten said. He rubbed at the teartracks on his mirror and gagged down snot. "Goodness, I'm a mess. Don't tell anyone of this, maybe? I know I can always count on you two to stay quiet. And, Vee, darling! How's house arrest coming along?"
Vee shrugged. She felt weird.
"I have good news in this regard!" Brightney said, smiling genuinely. "I know you hate being confined, but everyone agrees you need to rest until, eh, we can find a sustainable option for you. Or, definitely no runs until then, and staying in your room until we can properly assess damage. I digress! I talked to Sprout, and he agreed that you could come to Book Club if you wished."
"Yes!" Glisten added. "Book Club, stuffy books and a bunch of nerds yapping for an hour. But! It's out of your room, it's social, and I will be there as emotional support. What's not to want?"
Vee blinked dumbly. She was still stuck on the fact that she apparently wasn't allowed on runs anymore? She wasn't disabled, she wasn't!
"You don't have to agree," Brightney said gently, "I just thought you might appreciate the offer."
Oh. Well, usually Vee liked being social. While people were irritating and often too much, attention was also something nice to have. She didn't want attention, now, though. Not anymore. She didn't deserve it. She didn't even want it.
"I can always just stay with you in your room here, dear," Glisten offered. "I'm here whatever you choose."
Vee thought and instantly knew that she couldn't have Glisten in her room properly hanging out where this was the very same place she'd cut herself open and watched the ichor bead up and "scab," (whatever exactly the robot alternative to scabbing was.) It might be selfish to try to keep it all a secret. But Glisten wouldn't even want to know, would he? He'd cry again, and he hated crying.
She looked between Glisten's wet face and Brightney's tense body. Vee would go with them, for their sake. She smiled, a little shakily,
"When's Book Club?" she asked, and they both beamed, solidifying that she'd made the right choice.
Vee was scared and shaky and altogether an absolute mess. She'd had a narrow run-in with Cosmo earlier when he'd demanded to change her bandages—-which would of course be bad, he'd see the healing scratches. She narrowly managed to convince him to let her do it herself, thankfully, but the experience was still buzzing in her head like a wildfire.
Sprout and Cosmo still hadn't gotten around to verifying Vee was free to leave her room, (besides the special Book Club occasion,) and Vee was beginning to suspect Sprout was doing it on purpose as punishment for being an idiot or something.
Not that Vee didn't deserve that. She just wished she was treated as if she could handle herself. Which. Clearly she couldn't. But she wanted to. Ichor, she was so selfish.
She didn't want to be selfish, but that desire was selfish in of itself, wasn't it?
"But, anyway, Rodger is so annoying. Like, he totally thinks he knows me but he doesn't, nope, nuh uh. Personal information goes only to my special bestest friends," Glisten rambled.
"Oh, and when will Rodger be included on that list?" Vee asked, smirking at Glisten. Act normal. Act normal.
Glisten gasped. "Hey!" he protested, bonking Vee on the head lightly. "He will never deserve that spot as much as you, dear."
Vee winced. She didn't deserve that spot at all. How could he pretend she did?
"Hey, you two!" Brightney called, waving them into the library. "You're just in time for Book Club."
Vee wasn't exactly sure what to expect when she followed Brightney inside, but it honestly looked very cozy and nice. The other two club members, Astro and Dazzle, were on comfortable beanbags, books in hand. Razzle had his headphones on, listening to music.
Glisten immediately threw himself onto the nearby pink beanbag, draping himself over it like a queen. The fond smile Brightney looked at Glisten with told Vee she'd left that seat there specifically for Glisten.
"Come, make yourself at home," Brightney requested, gesturing Vee to take a seat, too.
Oh! Was that green beanbag for her, then? Vee sat on it cautiously. Her heavy metal body sunk deep into the cushion. It was soft. Vee felt stiff and awkward here in the middle of this club who all seemed so relaxed and familiar.
"Hey, darlings!" Glisten greeted, waving to the others.
"Hey, Glisten," Astro replied, smiling gently.
"Hey…" Dazzle managed to say.
"Hi, Glisten! Are you here for Book Club or a nap?" Razzle asked, grinning.
"Oh, you know I never pass up an opportunity for beauty sleep!" Glisten replied, and laughed.
"Vee, you, too," Astro said, turning toward her. "It's nice to see you up and about."
Was Vee selfish for only being active now and not before? Did that make sense? It probably did.
"Sprout won't let me leave my room for any other reason," she said. "It's unreasonable."
Astro nodded sympathetically. "He's just trying to make sure you're alright, I'm sure it'll blow over soon. I could talk to him on you behalf, if you want?"
Vee shrugged. She wanted what she deserved. And she wanted to be free. Those were mutually exclusive things, though.
"Let's start!" Brightney said, grabbing everyone's attention. "I wanted to talk about the complexities of the heroine's character. What do y'all think?"
"She did a very brave thing," Astro said softly.
"I… don't think I could do that even with Razzle's help," Dazzle added.
Brightney nodded in agreement. "I do wonder what exactly led to her decision to sacrifice in the end. Would nature V.S. nurture be a fun topic to discuss?"
"She grows a lot… throughout the story," Dazzle noted.
Vee was so out of place, here. She hadn't read the book. She didn't know half the stuff they were yammering about. She was just a weird entity in the same room. Glisten, just a few feet away, looked as bored as Vee had ever seen him, too.
Brightney caught this quickly. Neither of the two had read the book that was being picked apart, but Brightney didn't want to leave them out.
"The heroine in this book sacrifices herself in order to save her friends," she explained. "Do y'all have any thoughts on that?"
Vee picked at the edge of her bandages as Glisten immediately took center stage, (not that she had a problem with that, she was well-aware of his need for attention and wouldn't be friends with him if she minded.)
"Pretty classic storyline, isn't it?" he said, seemingly trying to sound professional as he lay sprawled on a beanbag. "I do love a story like that, though."
"She almost sacrifices her friend instead," Astro said, "but in the end she decided it was only right to give up herself."
"Honey, of course!" Glisten agreed instantly. "It's the only right thing to do."
"I would never sacrifice Razzle instead of myself… in that situation…" Dazzle said.
"And, Vee, you?" Brightney asked, looking at her expectantly.
Vee stared hard at the ground.
"…She's selfish," she said.
Maybe it was a cry for help. Maybe she was begging for someone, anyone, to see her trouble. Or maybe it was just… true.
"What made you think that?" Brightney asked, eyebrows raised.
Everyone was staring at her, bewildered. Vee was saying the wrong thing. But it was fact, wasn't it?
"Did she ask her friend before sacrificing herself? Was everyone in agreement on what happened? If not, then she was selfish," Vee explained, and she was sure she was right.
"You're not selfish for protecting your friends!" Glisten shouted, standing up.
"No, you're selfish for everything else," Vee retorted.
Glisten grit his teeth. He was trembling. Vee could see why. Glisten was a very selfless person, always looking out for other people. He wasn't selfish really, just vain, but he might think Vee was targeting him.
"Vee, Glisten, please, the library is no place for arguments," Brightney said sternly.
"That is what happened in the book, that she sacrificed herself before everyone agreed. But I don't think that makes her selfish," Astro said thoughtfully.
"See?" Glisten snapped.
"But she is selfish! It's all selfish!" Vee protested.
Everyone was looking at her. They were all looking and she thought she might be dying. Even Razzle was paying attention now.
"Vee—" Brightney began.
Vee couldn't take it. "I'm going to my room!" she shouted, spinning on her heel. "Goodbye!"
She fled the library before anyone could stop her. Their stares still crawled under her skin like a thousand terrible bugs. She felt wrong.
She tugged her antenna sharply. The pain was relaxing.
Well. She'd officially lost all her friends now. But it was OK. Now she could die without anyone worrying, right? No one had any reason to try to keep ties with her anymore.
Her antenna stung. She kept yanking. The crackling fizz of electricity thrumming through it was addicting. So was the pain. It was nice.
She nearly ran into Dandy. She almost walked right past with nothing more than a glare, but an impulse came to her.
"I'M NOT SELFISH!" Vee shouted, rounding onto Dandy fully.
It was a lie. She knew it was a lie. But she was so angry and she had to say something.
"Vee, I—…I have to apologize," Dandy replied.
What? Oh, wait.
"If berryboy told you to, I don't want to hear it," Vee growled, and marched away.
Dandy always thought it could fix everything. Well he couldn't. And they'd been right, anyway, so why even apologize?
It was all a mess. It felt like a mess. Vee was weak and messy.
There was one thing that would make her feel better. She still had a blade in her room.
Maybe if she made her body enough of a mess, everyone would realize how to fix everything. Nothing would be a mess if she wasn't there. She wouldn't be so selfish if she wasn't there. She thought that maybe wanting to die was the most selfless thought she'd had in a long time.