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Ilya was already pawing at Shane as they got to the front door of the cottage. Shane felt wrung out, like he had poured all of his energy into coming out to his parents and needed to lay down for three days, but with no chance of sleeping because he was also wired. The only thing keeping him grounded was Ilya’s touch, which Ilya had been providing unprompted since they’d gotten in the car to head home.
Now Ilya was standing behind Shane, crowding into him, pressing into the line of his body from shoulders to knees, while Shane fumbled with the keys. Ilya’s hands were on his waist, he was pressing kisses into the back of his neck, and Shane was trying to get the key into the lock and why hadn’t he done a keypad lock— shit, he’d dropped his keys.
He bent over to scoop them up and Ilya chuckled. “Not out here, Shane,” he teased, pushing his hips forward into Shane’s ass, just enough to set him off balance a bit. Shane straightened up and whirled around, glaring like an angry kitten at Ilya, who just laughed more. “I’m sorry, kotonok,” he said with no remorse in his voice. He took the keys out of Shane’s hands and unlocked the door.
Shane muttered, “I would have gotten it,” but he was truthfully grateful that Ilya had taken care of it. It turned out he really liked when Ilya took care of him. Something he’d barely started to get used to before he found himself in an hours-long conversation about it with his parents.
He slid out of his shoes and moved directly to a chair near the fireplace, and Ilya sat in the one beside him. Shane could tell he was watching him closely, but he didn’t say anything.
Shane had imagined infinite scenarios of that conversation with his parents, from the ideal to the catastrophic. This had certainly started out as a disaster, but it had gone okay once his parents had gotten over the initial shock.
And as he’d expected, it was harder for them to process that he was with Ilya than the general news of his sexuality. But they had gotten there, and it had not actually taken that long. His dad had made them pasta, for fuck’s sake. It had been downright wholesome at times.
Yet Shane had felt on the edge of a panic attack for most of it, and that tightness in his chest, and shoulders, and hands, and jaw hadn’t subsided yet. Everything had gone well, but it still hadn’t been on his terms. It still happened before he was quite ready.
Ilya moved to sit on the floor beside Shane. “What are you doing?” Shane asked.
Ilya shrugged and dropped a kiss on Shane’s knee. “Just want to be close to you.”
Shane realized he’d been letting his leg shake. Ilya was tracing along his calf muscle and leaning his cheek on his knee. Shane felt something stir in his chest and his shoulder muscles loosened a bit. He set his heels down flat on the carpet. Ilya’s touch was so calming. Sure, it was also electrifying and sometimes almost more than Shane could handle, but from their very first hook-up, Shane always felt more centered after Ilya got his hands on him.
Thank goodness they hadn’t been found out any earlier. What if he’d had ended up telling his parents he loved Ilya before he’d even told Ilya? His leg started bouncing again.
“Are you okay?” Ilya asked, reaching up to slide his fingers into Shane’s.
Shane nodded, but was still lost in thought. Ilya rested his chin on Shane's thigh. Shane took a deep exhale.
How was he so good at calming Shane down? The only thing he was better at than winding Shane up.
And now he’d supported Shane through coming out. He’d comforted him in front of his parents. He’d known exactly what to say and do when Shane was panicking.
Your boyfriend is here.
Shane suddenly felt a tear streak down his cheek for the second time that day. Fuck. He wiped it away before Ilya could see— too late.
Ilya had clocked it immediately and reached up to caress Shane’s cheek, weave his fingers into Shane’s hair, brush a thumb across the tearstain.
“Boyfriend?” Shane asked weakly.
“Is that what you’re crying about, zajchik?” Ilya asked gently. His face was so earnest that Shane almost wished he would tease him instead.
He could not find words to answer. He wanted to hide his face but he knew Ilya wouldn’t let him. So he met Ilya’s worried gaze and nodded. More tears fell.
“Oh, my love,” Ilya said, bringing his forehead to Shane’s and that did it, that broke Shane completely open, cracked the tight ball in his chest open, spilling a mushy tangle of fear and hope and love.
Ilya stood and pulled Shane up with him, wrapping his arms around Shane tightly and whispering, “Ya lyublyu tebya.”
Shane let his head fall forward onto Ilya’s shoulder, turning to press his mouth into Ilya’s neck. He wanted to live in this space, Ilya surrounding him and whispering sweetly in his ear. Shane didn’t know how long they stood like that, but eventually Ilya was gently guiding him toward the steps, into their bedroom (had he really just thought their bedroom?), and laying beside him on the bed.
“Do you want to talk about anything from today?” Ilya asked, and every part of him was soft - his face, his shoulders, his eyes, god his eyes were so beautiful.
Shane did want to talk about it. Yet no words would come. His jaw was tight and his eyes were watering and why couldn’t he just talk– and then Ilya was kissing him and every muscle in his body loosened and Ilya’s hands were strong and gentle and confident and oh Shane thought, realizing that he was having a panic attack and that Ilya knew exactly what to do. His boyfriend knew exactly what to do.
“Thank you,” he managed to croak out and it sounded terrible, it sounded like he hadn’t spoken in years and his voice cracked and it probably wasn’t even understandable.
But Ilya pulled back just enough to look at him as he said, “You’re welcome. I love you.”
And now the tears were escaping Shane’s eyes and Ilya was catching them with the pad of his thumb, as if each one was precious instead of something to hide away. This just made more fall and Shane wanted to bury his face in his pillow but he knew Ilya would bring him back out. He looked at Ilya, still unable to find any words.
“I love you,” Ilya said again, and he kissed Shane’s cheek, where the freckles and tears were splashed across his skin. “I love you,” he whispered, and he kissed Shane’s jaw and neck and shoulders. “I love you,” he chanted and he kissed all the way down Shane’s torso, pulling his shirt up to reach his skin. He looked up at Shane briefly as he reached his hip and Shane nodded and Ilya carefully pulled Shane’s pants and underwear off, and folded them, setting them on the edge of the bed. Shane sat up to pull his shirt all the way off and Ilya took it, folded it, set it down gently. He removed his own shirt and returned to Shane’s space, crowding into him, kissing him softly but firmly, pushing Shane back down onto the pillows and bringing his own body lower, kissing Shane’s thighs, caressing his stomach and chest, dragging his tongue up his cock, waiting until Shane was begging him before taking him in his mouth, bringing him over the edge in minutes.
Ilya crawled back up and settled himself alongside Shane, getting as much contact as he could physically manage, and snuggling his nose into Shane’s chest.
“You…?” Shane asked weakly.
Ilya kissed his shoulder and said, “In a bit.” Shane wanted to protest but he had no bones in his body anyway.
They lay together in the quiet bedroom. Crickets started chirping outside. Shane’s brain reassembled itself slowly yet surely. The tangle of emotions in his chest was not gone, but it was calmer. He combed his fingers through Ilya’s curls and breathed, “Thank you.”
Ilya propped himself up on his shoulder. “You’re doing better but you’re still pretty stressed, huh?” Shane groaned and hid his face in the pillow, because Ilya was right. He always seemed to know.
“Ready to talk a bit?” Ilya asked gently.
Shane took a few slow, deep breaths, feeling Ilya’s palm on his chest, grounding him. He turned to face him, gathering him close. And he began to talk.
“I think before I figured out I’m gay, I still knew something was… off.” Shane paused, feeling his jaw tighten again. His thoughts were much clearer than before, but his body was hanging on to a lot of stress still. He took more deep breaths. Ilya took deep breaths with him, which somehow made them more effective. Eventually he continued, “When I was a teenager… my teammates would talk about girls being hot or whatever, and I just didn’t relate. I tried dating a girl in high school and I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I didn’t even think about how it was supposed to feel. When that ended… I was relieved to be honest. But I also thought that meant I would never have a serious relationship. Like, ever. And I didn’t want to hook-up with random people; that did not sound appealing at all.”
Ilya raised an eyebrow.
“Except with you, obviously. But that’s the point. I didn’t think I could have that with anyone, nevermind a man, until you. And even then I was constantly scared that something would end it. You’d find someone better or I’d mess it up or we’d get caught or—” Shane’s heart rate jumped and he struggled to take a deep breath.
Ilya laid a hand over his heart. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, we’re safe and we’re together.”
“We did get caught, Ilya.” And panic coursed through him again.
“And it worked out okay,” Ilya said softly.
“But what if it happens again?” Shane asked, feeling like he had a compression band around his chest.
Ilya sat up, keeping his hand on Shane’s chest. “Breath, my love,” he said calmly and warmly. Shane looked up at him, met his eyes and matched his breathing until the tightness eased. “You’re doing good, Shane.” Ilya whispered.
Shane realized his eyes were full of tears again. He wiped them away and sat up too. Ilya leaned against the headboard and pulled Shane into him.
“I am scared, too,” Ilya said as he combed his fingers through Shane’s hair. “But you make me feel brave. You are worth it. It’s scary, but I am not giving this up. As long as it’s still what you want,” he added hesitantly.
“More than anything,” Shane said immediately. “More than… I think more than hockey, Ilya. I love you so much.”
“Wow,” Ilya said, his own eyes filling with tears. They both laughed and squeezed even closer together. Ilya added with a chuckle, “You say things like that, you make us a ten-year plan in the middle of the night, and yet you’re surprised I am your boyfriend."
“Shut up,” Shane said with an embarrassed laugh. “I really was surprised. I didn’t know if you would want that. I didn’t… I didn’t know I could want it.”
Ilya’s face did something complicated. “That breaks my heart a little,” he confessed. “I want you to have everything you want. I want to give you everything you want.”
“I’m starting to understand that better,” Shane said quietly. He went silent for a while, sorting through his thoughts.
“I think what I’ve been trying to say is… I had shut myself off to the possibility of a relationship like this. With you or with anybody. And after a while I realized I did want it with you - and only you - but I tried to deny it, to protect myself. I didn’t think it was possible so what was the use of setting myself up for disappointment.”
“I understand, very much,” Ilya replied softly.
“I never thought I’d feel this way about anybody, and when we started… Well, first I assumed it was a one time thing. And then it kept going, but it was still hard, you know?” Ilya nodded, looking emotional but staying quiet. “And even though it was so fucking confusing, it was also the best part of my life.” Ilya’s eyes watered. “I still thought it was too good to be true. I thought it was temporary. I should just enjoy it while it lasts and not get my hopes up. And then I started to understand myself better, and understand what I wanted, and it was you. It was always you.” Ilya let his head fall forward to rest on Shane’s as tears trailed down his cheeks. “And I still thought I would never have it, not fully. I tried to be okay with it, because I also knew that I would take any amount of you. Anything was better than nothing. Jesus, I was desperately afraid that I would end up with nothing. So I was ready to settle. And now…” Shane’s heart was beating fast and he was suddenly aware of how long he’d been talking.
He turned to face Ilya, ran his thumb across Ilya’s cheek and threaded his fingers into those golden curls. Another tear escaped and rolled down his cheek, and his voice wavered, but Shane said, “And now you are my boyfriend.”
“Yes,” Ilya said, immediately, looking so earnestly at Shane. He said it so quickly, so easily, as if it were the most simple thing in the world. And Shane was starting to believe that it was. Everything around them was complicated. But those things were outside of them. They had become a simple, inevitable, irrefutable matter. Shane chuckled a bit, thinking back to Ilya saying, ‘It’s simple” back in Tampa. He’d been lying, trying to hide from this beautiful, terrifying inevitability, and Shane was glad it hadn’t worked.
“I love you,” Shane said wetly.
“I love you too,” Ilya said, rolling on top of Shane.
“Will you fuck me?” Shane asked.
“Of course, love,” Ilya breathed. He trailed kissed along his collarbone and then paused, lifting his head to look at him again. “And Shane?”
“Yes, Ilya?”
“Just to be clear, you are my boyfriend, too. We are both boyfriends. Each other’s boyfriends.” He winked and then gently brought Shane’s legs up.
Shane beamed, his face a little pink and his eyes bright, looking bashful and trusting and gorgeous. He could not believe how perfect his boyfriend was.