Chapter Text
‘-We’ve finally made contact with the Normandy, Commander. Your crew has been located in the Horshead Nebula, after they’d crashed on a virgin planet.’ Hackett stood in the centre of her small hospital room, his posture straight and his voice calm, but Shepard felt panic rising in her chest.
‘-Crashed? What’s their status, sir?’ Her voice was cracking, talking was still hard after her larynx had been scorched in the explosion of the power conduit.
‘-Everyone is accounted for and they are making their way back to Earth, Garrus Vakarian is acting as an XO and Flight Lieutenant Moreau is at the helm. From what I understand, the Normandy’s Defence Intelligence became inactive, the ship’s various systems had to be rerouted to become operational, and hull required hands on repairs, but your crew are a talented bunch.’ The Admiral’s hand run over the grey beard in gesture of contemplation, his brow furrowed. He was an old date, to him Edi wasn’t a person, part of the crew- she was just an AI.
Guilt grabbed Shepard firmly by her throat making it difficult to breathe. EDI, Geth… it was her fault, she made that decision. It was easy to clutter her mind with anything else usually, but when someone brought up the topic it always caused heaviness in her chest and stomach.
‘-What’s the Normandy’s ETA? Admiral, I would like to use Orizaba’s QEC to contact my crew, please.’ Shepard spoke slowly gauging the situation, although she already expected rejection. For a hero of a Galaxy, she had very little sway- especially from her hospital bed and particularly on the Leader of the Fifth Fleet.
‘-That’s out of the question Commander, you are not stable enough to get out of here. Request denied, but if you record any messages for them, I will personally make sure they get delivered. Your crew will be here within 6 to 8 weeks.’ A small concession, at least. Hackett was right of course; she still had a long road to go in terms of healing and had been conscious for about two weeks and only a few hours a day in the beginning. She felt as though everything hurt, if that was possible. The painful reminder that human ‘squishy’ body was fragile and weak, no matter how hard she had trained and pushed her limits.
‘-Thank you Admiral, I appreciate that.’ Shepard gave a nod in agreement; she realised there was no point in arguing and she didn’t have energy for that.
The higher officer shifted and did a quick scan of the surroundings, before he looked at the woman in the hospital bed.
‘-Shepard, about the mission report…’ Hearing those words she let out a tense sigh. There it was, she knew it was coming sooner or later. She woke up in the outskirts of Vancouver (she suspected they transferred her there to be closer to Alliance HQ) two weeks earlier after 4 months of medically induced coma and as soon as she was able, she worked on the field a report leaving nothing out.
‘-I had limited options, sir, and I did what I thought was right at the time. I will face any consequences the Alliance and the Council deem fair.’ She tried to move, straighten up with some dignity to show that she wouldn’t shy away from repercussions, but her body wouldn’t cooperate.
‘-At ease, Commander. I wanted to inform you that I have reserved a right to redact the report. We simply can’t rely on your account of the events; it is evident that your mental state at the time was severely impaired.’ She could not believe what she was hearing, it seemed Hackett decided to rewrite official story, but why exactly?
'-Sir, you shouldn't do that just to protect me, I am responsible for all this. Synthetics, Mass Relays...' Shepard tried to defy his decision, but looking at his stern gaze, she knew it was futile.
'-I am not protecting you Shepard, I am protecting the frail balance. We cannot risk the notions of discontent and mistrust when we desperately need to cooperate. Besides, we cannot be sure that the other options were not an attempt at indoctrination to allow Reapers to continue their cycle of annihilation.' Hackett explained his motivations, which in broad terms made sense. There were enough problems trying to sooth the issues of dextro species stuck in Sol, the Salarian government's grievances over genophage cure, and resentment for the Asari race due to concealing the Prothean artefact that could have ended the war before it started.
'-Your decision has broken the genocidal cycle and rid the Galaxy of a threat incomprehensible for an average person. You fired the Crucible, which defeated Reapers with some unforeseen consequences, case closed. Can I count on your support in achieving what's best for all races involved?' Hackett asked and waited for a response, his demeanour patient and collected.
'-Aye aye, Sir.' Shepard understood the question thoroughly and nodded. The Admiral gave her a polite smile in return.
'-You're a good soldier Shepard. I will make sure the Alliance repays you for your dedication. Now, if you excuse me, I have urgent matters to attend to.' Hackett said and started to make his way but stopped at the door. He turned around and gave her a few last words 'I will wait for your messages for Normandy crew. Let me know if you need anything else, child.'
Shepard smiled and her eyes welled up. Hackett was always supportive but carefully toed the line of officially outlined Alliance regs. Only Anderson called her ‘a child' in private, his last words were 'You did good child' and then she committed a genocide of all synthetic beings to end the Reapers for good. She wondered if David would still think the same had he known what her choice was, if he would still be adamant about Destroying them had he known the price.
She looked outside the window on busy Vancouver- the rebuilding works were in full swing, but there was still a long road before the Earth would be back to its former self. That was probably true for the other planets in the Galaxy. No matter how much she wanted to help, she was stuck in a hospital bed - frail, exhausted and useless. She felt the sleep trying to claim her and she gave into the reprieve from the draining guilt and suffocating regret.
***
Months passed by quickly for Shepard, who was busy with physical rehabilitation and therapy sessions; the visits from Wrex and Grunt teasing her about being a 'puny pyjack' only made her more determined and motivated. She enjoyed the physical exercises, liked to push herself to the limits - it reminded her of N7 training, although now her limits were mostly defined by walking without any aid and self-sufficiency in daily tasks. She didn't like the meetings with a psychotherapist- she felt stupid trying to talk about guilt of missing Anderson’s funeral; the Crucible choices, that might have been hallucinations (if not for real life consequences); and what seemed to be a martyr story, that she presumed was a result of her grandiose and overblown ego. Sometimes it felt like picking at the barely healed would over and over again. The only good thing was that the person leading her mental recovery was a true professional and seemed to take everything Shepard told them seriously, even though her own logic deemed some things as utterly preposterous.
The Commander had plenty of visitors after Normandy had landed on Earth. First came Liara with some of the news she was able to find due to her connections as the Shadow Broker and they talked about the tensions in the Galaxy. Then came Tali, who told Shepard about the development of her romance with Garrus and how surprised she was to find affection with the sarcastic, closed off sniper. Later on they talked about Quarians' struggles in Sol and their quest on repairing Mass Relays to get to Rannoch; they even touched on news about all Geth becoming disabled by the blast and their chances of recovery.
The next day Garus visited Shepard and fessed up about being torn up by his desire of going back to Palaven to his remaining family and trying to keep things going with the Quarian girlfriend, who was eager to get back to her own home planet. He heard that many Turians, sceptical about the timeline for Mass Relays' repairs, decided to get back to Palaven via FTL travel.
When Joker came the mood was solemn, as the Flight Lieutenant shared the news that his father and sister died in the war and that EDI became non-operational. He mentioned that EDI’s last action was saving a crew by setting a point for a garden planet when instead travelling to Arcturus the unstable Mass Relay took them to Horsehead Nebula. Joker philosophised about his feelings for the AI, musing if his subjective feelings could be called love objectively. Shepard felt shame and self-loathing gnawing at her bones, but she couldn't bring herself to tell her friend about Crucible's choices. Not yet, maybe never.
Traynor brought Sir Pip Squeak with her and a chess set to give Shepard some reprieve from overthinking and check her mental recovery progress. The Comm Specialist said she was going back to London to help with restoring communications of the Alliance outposts there.
Steve and James made a joint visit and Cortez praised Vega for being a great support, to which young Lieutenant blushed and mumbled something about soppy words and tarnishing his reputation. James said he was still around for a while, but the Alliance was already looking to restart N7 training soon and he would be gone away for months. Shepard quipped that as James had a tattoo he cannot possibly fail or everyone will know him as an Alliance joke and that would surely tarnish his reputation. Vega said that when (not 'if'!) he passes the training, Shepard would have to take him on a date. 'And you're paying, Lola.' he winked.
Even Chakwas came in and did her own scan checking if the patient was healing well. As a leading medic for Shepard for many years Karin felt personally responsible and checked all the medical history before she gave her official stamp of approval. 'They seem to know what they're doing Shepard, you should be out of here soon enough. We're long overdue for our yearly Brandy, don't think I've forgotten.'
Javik also found a moment to drop by and thank her for giving him his vengeance and said that ‘she did good’. He said he felt a bit lost knowing that his life's only goal has been achieved and now he had to find what to do with the rest of his life. Shepard shared the sentiment and told him that now every pair of hands was needed for rebuilding, and after that he could indulge and spend long years searching for a purpose or at least a hobby.
But as the time went by her friends had to go back to their own lives, families and planets- where possible. The Mass Relays were still being repaired, but almost all Krogans left for Tuchanka- they had a society to rebuild and planet to repopulate and 4 or 5 years were not much in their lifetime scale. Quarians also mobilised and some of them went back to the life they knew- a society clusters on the ships that were slowly making their way through space, but this time with an end point in mind; Tali stayed and engaged into Mass Relay repairs in Sol and Arcturus after recovering QEC link with Quarians on Rannoch who worked on repairs their side. Even Samara, Jack and Kasumi visited Shepard once or twice before they got roped in more important things. Miranda was in hospital the most, she wasn’t going to leave now after she had put months of hard work cooperating with Alliance doctors on her patient’s recovery.
The only person Shepard didn't expect to see was Kaidan. He came in with a hesitant smile on his face, carefully taking in his surroundings before he sat down near her bed at a respectful distance. His posture was stiff and movements measured, like he was unsure what to expect.
'-I'm glad to see you're doing better, Commander.' He sounded honest, but way too formal for Shepard's liking. 'I've got something for you.' He placed a small box of fresh strawberries on the bedside table. ‘I know how awful hospital food is, so I brought something fresh from the Orchard.’ Shepard smiled more to herself than him, she loved fresh fruits and this was a scarce luxury in space or post-war hospital.
Then he handed over an Alliance duffel bag. Shepard slowly rummaged through it and found personal items she’d left on the Normandy- her N7 hoodie, floral soap that she used in place of the regular Alliance issued one, a trusted Carnifex, a ring she got from EDI, model of SR1 and the picture of Kaidan that both of them gracefully omitted in their gazes and conversation.
What a mindfuck that must be for him, Shepard thought. When the Reaper war kicked in they were starting to patch up their strained relationship: after Mars mission she visited him in hospital a few times, then they pointed guns at each other on the Citadel and when he asked to get back on the Normandy, she denied him, even though she had mentioned previously that she'd like to have him on the ship. When the time came to make a choice, she sent him to Hackett.
She had her reasons, even though some of them made little sense even to herself. She had died before and knew that she had to give it all to win the war, even if that price was her life. She couldn’t allow Kaidan to get attached again for him to mourn her once more. Shepard also knew The Illusive Man would try to kill him to get to her and having him close would only make it easier. After Mars, she would be sick with worry for his life every mission he went with her, and that would only get in a way of her goals- and if he were to get back on the ship just to stay there aboard it would ruin him.
Shepard was a soldier, a weapon with an end goal in mind and she couldn't indulge in her personal wants or needs, shouldn't fraternize during war. She had already made that mistake once before and only caused Kaidan a world of hurt and confusion. She needed him safe, and working on Crucible with Hackett would keep him out of worst harm's way. If by some miracle she survived the whole war, she could try to get him back.
But looking at his face, she understood that the damage she caused by denying him a place on the Normandy was too great to repair. She was grateful that he was alive, but was aware that she’d left a bad taste in his mouth- this much was clear by his tense pose and the awkward gazes. She also felt empty, exhausted, damaged and had no energy for anything, especially for a notion as abstract as ‘fighting for love.’
She robbed him of a choice, maybe he wanted to be there by her side even if the whole thing would be cut too short with him getting his heart shattered by grief once again. She didn’t let him execute any agency and acted as if she had known better what he needed. Kaidan may never forgive her for that. And that was just another terrible thing she had done that she would have to learn to live with.
Shepard recalled that look of resigned finality at the docking bay when she rejected him. She knew that look would haunt her forever, just like it had been already, persistently. It would catch her off-guard on a random Tuesday afternoon and stab her straight through the heart while she was cleaning a coffee mug or doing shopping, maybe making a speech at the Alliance recruitment event.
'-I wanted to tell you that you've done hell of a thing. Curing Genophage, brokering peace between Turian and Krogan, taking back Omega from Cerberus, ending war between Quarians and Geth... all that before getting rid of Reapers. You're a living legend, Commander.' He praised her, but the words made her feel completely numb. All she could think of was a ring from EDI in her bag and a choice she made for everyone in the galaxy. He wouldn't praise me if he had known.
'-Thank you Major, that means a lot, but I was only doing my duty.' She replied but she felt her voice was empty, just like herself. 'How are things out there? I've been out of the loop.'
She studied his face searching for a crack, a wound, a fracture, but he didn’t show any damage. He looked perfectly calm and composed, his voice polite bordering on friendly. It was unbearable, to be treated like an acquaintance, like they only had a surface level knowledge of each other.
'-It's been busy, still is - clearing the corpses, rebuilding, establishing supply lines and lots of administrative tasks. Nothing you'd miss, Commander.' He explained stiffly.
'-Seems like you have your hands full. Shouldn't you be out there doing something more useful?' She tried to keep the tone flat; it was hard to keep her untrained vocal cords from sounding too friendly and teasing or cold and rude.
'-I came here to tell you personally before you get the news through other channels. The Normandy has been assigned to me, Commander.' He admitted, his face stone cold and his voice mostly steady, but she heard a weary note by the end. That stung. Of course, it made sense- he was the only acting Human Spectre and needed his own ship; but that probably meant that Alliance has officially decided that she would not be coming back to active duty.
'-Well, Spectre Alenko, you will need a suitable ship, and Normandy is the best we've got.' She replied trying to mask her own hurt feelings as she didn't want him to think that she hated the idea of him taking away 'her' ship.
'-I'm sorry Commander, I know she means a lot to you; I had no choice in the matter. Whatever it's worth, I promise to take care of her. Joker will be at the helm, but I guess it doesn't help much, knowing that I'm taking away the best pilot of the Alliance along with the ship.' The forced joke and the collected voice tried to mask his anxiety, but Shepard saw right through it- she knew him well enough.
'-Well, there's not much I can do about it.' She tried to sound light herself and mustered a smile gesturing at herself in the hospital bed and all different walking aids in the room.
Kaidan nodded and his lips stretched in a polite smile, but that smile didn’t reach his eyes that stayed completely serious and, she could have sworn, she saw a note of sadness there.
'-I got something else for you. I know extranet is still not working properly and there's only so much news one can stomach before it gets overwhelming, so...' Major reached out to his own bag and handed her a book. 'It's supposed to be a bestseller, it's about an Asari who is forced to work as a double spy infiltrating the enemy, but her friends and partner cut her off, not knowing that. It kind of reminded me of something.'
Shepard reached out for a blue book called 'Between truths and lies' and had a bitter thought that all this was a bit too on the nose. She knew where that inspiration came from, but then again, maybe it was just her overblown ego talking.
'-Thanks Alenko, I've got plenty of time on my hands to check it out. How long are you gonna be gone for?' She asked trying to make it seem like a friendly question of non-importance, a time filler.
'-A few weeks at least. I can't disclose the mission objectives, Commander, but it's nothing dangerous.' He gave her a reserved smile. 'I've gotta go, we're leaving tomorrow morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me Shepard, I'm a bit scared Joker will have half a mind of throwing me out the airlock.' He joked again, but this time it sounded more honest and Shepard laughed.
'-I'll tell him to play nice.' She shifted up in her bed and reached out a hand, which Kaidan shook. The contact was entirely formal, but Shepard felt a familiar electric current running through her. She always felt that strange energy touching him- maybe because the body contact they finally established after months of flirting was never enough to diffuse the intensity of feelings between them, and then she died and things got complicated to say the least.
'-Stay safe, Alenko. Good luck.' Shepard nodded the goodbye and just as Kaidan was leaving, he passed Miranda at the door. The woman waited a moment or two before she spoke.
'-Hey Shepard, how you're doing today? Is that the Alliance guy from Horizon? Did he come here to patch things up by any chance?' She smirked as though she'd discovered a naughty secret or a great conspiracy.
'-No. He came to tell me he's taking over the Normandy.' Shepard said resigned.