Archive of Our Own

Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken? Will I ever be ok again? 

Dean hadn’t been able to get any sleep ever since he had witnessed the light leaving his best friend’s eyes the day he had been ripped away from him. The memories of Castiel sacrificing himself were permanently inked in his head. He couldn’t escape them, no matter how hard he tried. Drinking himself to the brink of death had proven to be useless. As a matter of fact, he often felt like alcohol was just making things even worse. Every time he had tried to numb the pain and sorrow — even if it would have only been for a couple hours — he’d just ended up stuck in a spiral of misery and despair. Despair, that’s the only word he could put on what had occurred in that dungeon. 

The elder Winchester brother hadn’t told Sam about what had happened in detail. He hadn’t been able to. Because it wasn’t fair to Cas. Dean had been struggling to process the confession. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what it meant. He understood what it implied. Nonetheless, he felt like he had failed his best friend. The more he tried to think about it, the more it sounded like a very unfunny prank. Cas loved him. No, he was in love with him. Cas had saved his life. He had rescued him once again, after raising him from perdition all those years ago. He loved him. He had spoken those exact words: “I love you”. 

“Dean? Dean… Is everything ok?”

Pulled straight away from his disturbing thoughts, Dean closed the book he was pretending to read and gave a rapid glance towards the entrance of his room, letting his younger brother know that he could talk to him.

“I’m alright, Sammy.” Dean lied.

His cheeks were probably still glistening with the remains of tears that he had shed over the past hour, in the safety of his blanket. Dean hated being vulnerable, he didn’t want neither his brother nor his best friend to know that he’d been crying himself to sleep because of what had happened in that dungeon. Cuddling with Miracle as he was sobbing against her soft fur provided him a small amount of the comfort he was seeking, but the cute little dog could unfortunately not fill the hole in his chest. There was only one adjective that could be used to describe how he was feeling: even though it might have seemed painfully ironic considering the circumstances, he felt empty. 

“You sure you’re alright? Dinner is ready. Cas made us pancakes!”

“Thank you, Sammy. I’ll be there in a few.” Dean replied, fighting the tears that were threatening to come back. 

The younger Winchester brother smiled at him and walked away from the Dean Cave, thankfully not bothering him with more questions. 

As soon as Sammy left, Dean felt his chest tighten even more, salty tears rolling down his freckled-face. 

Cas had made pancakes for Sam and Dean. Cas was alive, waiting in the bunker’s kitchen. Not in the Empty. He had been back for a couple weeks but Dean hadn’t been able to process everything that had happened. He would still wake up screaming his best friend’s name after getting horrifying flashbacks of the angel vanishing before his eyes. 

Dean willed himself to calm down, hugged his dog close to his heart and left his room. He wasn’t even hungry. Feeling empty had seemingly gotten rid of his appetite. But he knew better than to refuse a good meal made with love by someone who cared for him. 

“Hello, Dean.” the gravelly voice of his best friend greeted him politely. 

Cas was holding a pan as he looked at Dean with a huge grin on his face. Dean felt like crying again, not fully understanding why. 

Cas is alive. He is standing in the middle of our kitchen. He baked pancakes for Sammy and I. 

Dean always constantly had to remind himself that the angel was there, and that he was alive. 

“You should take a seat, Dean. Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale…”

Castiel’s gentle voice sent shivers down his spine. Jack had brought him back five weeks ago, but it didn’t feel real. Dean was terrified that he would wake up one day and that Sam would tell him that Cas was still stuck in the Empty. 

The hunter sat down, taking a deep breath as the angel approached him. 

Castiel placed one hand on the side of his face with extreme care and tenderness. Then he closed his eyes, wishing for his grace to make Dean feel better.

“It appears that you are unharmed.” he declared, his fingers gently holding Dean’s chin. 

Noticing that his best friend wasn’t saying anything, Castiel looked the hunter up and down, searching for any physical sign that could explain why he seemed to be on the verge of collapsing. 

“You probably just need to eat something. Luckily for you, I made pancakes.”

After hearing those words, Dean was suddenly torn between the strong urge to run away from the kitchen to lock himself up in his room and his need to engulf Cas in a giant hug. But hugging Cas didn’t sound right. What if he just disappeared as he was holding him? What if the Empty came back and took him away, but this time forever? 

The angel was about to say something else, but he interrupted himself mid-sentence as Sam entered the kitchen. His hair was wet and he was wearing pajamas. Looking at his outfit, Dean realized that he was still in his grey sweatpants and his favorite hoodie.

“We were waiting for you, Sam. How was your shower? I hope you’ll enjoy my pancakes.” 

Dean felt sick at the mention of those damn pancakes. He had no appetite but he didn’t want to make Cas upset by refusing to eat what he had lovingly prepared for his brother and him.

Cas looked so excited, throwing pancakes covered in whipped cream, strawberries and blueberries on the plates.  Then he placed the dishes in front of Sam and Dean. 

“Enjoy!” he exclaimed happily. 

Dean tried to focus on his plate to quit overthinking. He looked down at the porcelain, mentally preparing himself to eat because he was not hungry at all.

His eyes widened as he turned them on the pancakes in front of him. A heart. The pancake on top of the pile was heart-shaped. Dean’s own heart nearly jumped straight out of his chest as he realized that he was the only one with a heart-shaped pancake on his plate.

“I… need to get some air.” he excused himself as he sat up and left the kitchen in a hurry.

When you lived inside a bunker, you couldn’t exactly “get some air” by going outside. Therefore, he just went to his room upstairs and locked the door behind him, nearly collapsing against the nearest wall.

A heart-shaped pancake. Not only had Cas baked pancakes for Sam and him, he’d made one of his heart-shaped. 

Dean hadn’t taken into account what Cas’ reaction would be after seeing him leave like that. Would he be offended? Would he be sad? Would he feel like he should probably never cook for the Winchester brothers again? 

The hunter didn’t mind being the one to suffer, but he couldn’t handle seeing his best friend hurt because of him. He would have to make it up to him as soon as possible. 

But at that very moment, Dean was hurting too much to think of that. He was heavily sobbing, crying and hiccuping, praying not to choke on his damn tears. 

Miracle had immediately come to Dean’s rescue, offering him some comfort. Dean had enough knowledge about dogs to know that she could probably sense his distress. 

It took him a long time to calm himself down before he was assured he could go back to the kitchen. He just wanted to hug Sammy and Cas. He wanted to apologize for ruining dinner. And for being a damn liability.

He left his bedroom, making sure that he was not about to start crying again. Cas and Sam were still sitting at the table, seemingly waiting for something.

“Oh, Dean…”

Dean was about to apologize but Cas didn’t let him utter a single word, engulfing him in a tight embrace as he gently patted his back.

“We waited for you to come back. I can re-heat your pancakes if you want. And I'm sorry about… you know...” 

“Don’t you dare apologize for that. You did nothing wrong, Cas.” 

Dean sounded angry when he said that. He was indeed upset, but he wasn’t allowed to take it out on his best friend or his brother. Truthfully, he was mostly mad at himself. For his ridiculous reaction to the heart-shaped pancake. For his behavior throughout the night. 

“Dean… If you don’t feel like eating, you don’t have to. I won’t force you.” 

“No, Cas. You made these for Sammy and I, I don’t want them to go to waste.”

Dean went back to his seat, sticking his fork in one of the pancakes, the heart-shaped one gone from his plate. He tried to eat the homemade meal but his spiraling thoughts just wouldn’t leave him alone. He was nauseous, dizzy and he was slowly getting weirdly overwhelmed.

“Dean?” Cas said his name carefully, as if he were walking on egg shells just trying to talk to him.

The hunter just couldn’t take it anymore. This time, he abruptly got up from the table, the tightness in his chest somehow worse than when he was crying a couple minutes prior to this disastrous dinner.

“I’m sorry, Cas. Sorry… Sammy…”

Dean’s words were slurred as he left the kitchen. But he didn’t make it to the Dean Cave, stopping in the middle of the hallway as he was about to go downstairs, to try and catch his breath.

“Son of a bitch…” he mumbled, feeling weirdly uncomfortable in his own skin.

Dean figured out that something was seriously wrong a couple seconds later, when he realized he was struggling to inhale and exhale properly.

What the hell is happening to me? Please, not again…

He attempted to take a couple of deep breaths, but the air appeared to be stuck in his throat as he tried to take it in, not making its way past his ribcage to inflate his lungs.

“Son of a bitch!” he exclaimed, getting choked up from the strong pressure that was weighing on his chest.

Dean found himself doing something he hadn’t even thought of in a long time: he prayed to Castiel. 

Not even a minute later, the angel was right in front of him, trying to understand what was causing him such an overwhelming amount of distress. 

“I can’t… I…It’s really hard to breathe, Cas…” Dean tried to explain, ragged gasps coming out of his trembling lips.

“Dean. You’ll be just fine if you follow my instructions. Focus on my voice, see, forget about everything else and only listen to what I say.” 

The elder Winchester brother nodded, ready to do anything to get rid of the burning sensation in his chest. 

“Now please close your eyes. Let me take your hands in mine.” 

Dean didn’t even hesitate to execute his order, trusting Cas with his shaking fingers.

“Keep your eyes closed and try to do this.”

The angel took a deep exaggerated breath and waited for Dean to mimic him. It took him a couple of miserably failed attempts before Dean managed to copy his gesture. 

“Great. You’re doing great, Dean.” Cas encouraged him, gently rubbing circles on top of his hands.

Castiel inhaled and exhaled a bunch of times, hoping for Dean to follow his instructions. It worked for a while but suddenly he got frustrated, convinced that he had messed up somewhere, somehow.

“Dean. It is very important that you calm down. If you keep getting so worked up, you could make yourself sick or even pass out.” 

Dean didn’t really care about anything at that exact moment. He just wanted to breathe properly. He wanted the weight to stop crushing his lungs. 

The angel usually didn’t want to rely on his grace to help Dean because the hunter was firmly opposed to him wasting it to help him out. But he was getting very concerned about his wellbeing and he couldn’t help it. Very carefully, he pressed two fingers on top of his head, whispering gentle words as the hunter slowly calmed down and took a deep breath in. And out. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Exhausted. I just want to go to sleep.” Dean answered weakly, his throat feeling as raw as sandpaper.

Cas let out a sigh of relief as he waited to make sure that Dean was actually fine, scared that he would collapse as soon as he’d reached the stairs.

“Son of a bitch… What was that, Cas?” 

He guided him to his bedroom, wanting to be assured that he was still standing on his feet. When he closed the door behind them, he told Dean to go sit on his bed and to make himself comfortable. 

“Dean… I am afraid you just experienced a severe panic attack. Which explains the overwhelming sensation and the intense struggle to breathe.” 

Dean’s eyes widened in shock. All he felt was shame as he realized what he had just been through.  None of this made any sense to him.

“A panic attack? I don’t think so… Aren’t I too old for that bullshit?”

“No, Dean. Panic attacks can happen to anyone no matter their age.” 

He didn’t say anything back, feeling incredibly exhausted and wanting to lie down in bed.

Cas watched him get himself comfortable under the sheets, quietly watching over him to make sure he was alright. 

“Please get some rest, Dean. You’ll be fine, trust me.” 

As the angel was about to leave the bedroom, Dean’s voice stopped him in his tracks. 

“Wait, Cas… Can you… This is really embarrassing but can you please stay here? I don’t want to sleep alone… I… I barely get any sleep when I’m alone… and I am so tired.”

The hunter immediately felt his blood rushing down his cheeks when he realized how pathetic and weak he sounded. But that didn’t seem to bother his best friend, who sat down next to him on the other side of the bed. 

“Why don’t you… lie down with me? I don’t know… Forget about it, this is just silly…”

Cas completely ignored the second part of what Dean had just said and lied down next to him, not uttering a single word.

“Thank you, Cas. You can leave whenever you want, though. You probably have a shit tone of things to do and you…

“Dean. Don’t worry about any of that. Just close your eyes and get some sleep. I won’t leave your side in the middle of the night if this is what you’re afraid of.”

“No, Cas… You can leave if you want. I don’t want you to feel forced to stay because I’m acting like a stupid child who cannot sleep on his own…”

“You’ve clearly been experiencing trouble sleeping alone and there is nothing silly or childish about that.” Cas said firmly.

This time, Dean didn’t try to argue back. He knew Cas wasn’t going to change his mind so he tucked himself under the sheets and waited for sleep to come, with no real conviction that he would be able to rest.

Then, Castiel watched over the hunter as he slept for a couple hours, surprisingly peacefully. 

[…] 

When he woke up, Dean’s first thought was that he didn’t have any nightmares throughout the night. He felt strangely relaxed and was surprised to see that his favorite angel was still by his side, quietly reading although he seemed lost deep in his thoughts. 

“Heya Cas!” he exclaimed cheerfully. 

Cas was slightly startled by Dean’s enthusiasm but he chuckled when he saw that the hunter looked in much better shape than the night before, smiling like a fool when they looked at each other. 

“Hello Dean. How are you feeling?”

Dean’s smile widened, his sparkly eyes glistening with something Cas had missed seeing: happiness.

“I’m great. I feel so much better, Cas. Do you have anything to do with this?”

The hunter’s tone sounded suspicious, although the angel knew he hadn’t done anything specific. He’d just remained by Dean’s side as he was peacefully sleeping. Apparently, his simple presence had actually helped much more than expected. 

“Are you hungry? Do you want to go downstairs and have some breakfast in the kitchen? I don’t know if Sam is home but we can eat together… if you want.”

Dean suddenly felt guilty when he realized how careful Cas was with everything. He didn’t want the angel to worry about him too much. He didn’t want him to worry at all.

“I’m good, Cas. Whatever happened yesterday… Can we please just… forget about it? Pretend that nothing happened? And I don’t think we should tell Sammy anything more than what he already knows. I was sad, I had no appetite. That’s it.”

“You don’t want to tell him about the panic attack? Don’t you think this is something your brother would want to know about?”

“He doesn’t need to know it happened, Cas. It’s not that big of a deal. I was overwhelmed and you helped me. That’s it.”

“You couldn’t breathe, Dean. You were on the verge of passing out.” 

“But I didn’t. I’m fine.” he argued back. 

“But you weren’t last night. I was worried about you. You know you can always confide in me, Dean. If you need to talk about what’s been bothering you, I’m here for you. Always.” Cas told his best friend, gently grabbing one of his hands. 

Dean sighed. Indeed, he knew that Cas was there for him. He had no doubt that he would gladly listen to him, and that he would help. But he also knew that he couldn’t hear the full truth: his nightmares, getting hammered so that he would forget about everything even for just a couple hours, his panic attacks — that he couldn’t recognize as such until the night before. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Dean tried to get himself back together. He couldn’t falter again. He had to stop being so damn weak.

“I’m alright, Cas. If you don’t mind, I need to take a shower and to dress up…”

“No breakfast?”

Dean was slightly hungry. Not that much, but he had some appetite. However, he was dreading something: having to answer whatever questions Sam would ask him. 

“I’ll tell Sam that you don’t feel comfortable talking about last night, if you need me to.” Cas said, as if he’d just read Dean’s mind.

“I just don’t want him to know about this stupid panicking bullshit. He’s gonna think I’m a weak loser if he finds out… Hell, he’s probably gonna laugh in my face!”

Cas was a bit confused: Dean had a very low self-esteem but Sam wasn’t the type to judge his brother, especially not when he was in pain. He would never do that.

“Why would he make fun of you? I’m sure he’d be very understanding. But I won’t force you to do anything that would put you in an awkward position. If you refuse to mention that unfortunate event, that’s fine.”

“It’s not the first time.” Dean confessed, staying elusive hoping that the angel wouldn’t understand what he was referring to. 

“How many times has this happened, Dean?” 

“About a dozen times. Nine times as I was in my room, with Miracle. Once while I was driving.” 

The hunter didn’t want to give too many details but the angel’s frown had deepened, a clear sign that he was growing more and more concerned about his wellbeing.

“It’s ok, Cas.” he tried to reassure him, faking a big smile.

“Do you think so, Dean?”

“Yes. I didn’t pass out. Well… maybe once… But Miracle was there for me. And the road was almost empty when it happened in the car.”

Cas didn’t know what to say. He knew that Dean would probably freak out and shut down if he told him what he had in mind: Ten times. You had ten panic attacks and you didn’t tell anyone. You had an episode while driving, Dean. You could have gotten into a car crash. You could have gotten seriously hurt. I don’t want you to get hurt. I am scared of losing you… again.

“I am glad that I was there last night. That you didn’t have to go through this alone, for the first time.” 

The hunter didn’t say anything. He sat next to Castiel on the side of the bed, searching for the right words. But nothing seemed appropriate. He wanted to tell him how he felt. How he had missed him. That he felt empty while he was gone. That the nightmares were about losing him over and over again. 

“Dean?”

The elder Winchester brother hadn’t noticed that he’d started to cry. To sob. Usually, he would have felt stupid and he would have been embarrassed. But none of it mattered in that moment. He needed that. 

“Cas…” he whispered, his voice breaking as he let his head fall against the angel’s shoulder.

Castiel wasn’t even that surprised when he felt two arms wrap around his neck. His heart sank when he heard the hunter sob against his chest. He held him tight, understanding that Dean needed him to be there for him, rocking him back and forth as he drew imaginary circles up and down his back.

“Don’t go, Cas.” Dean begged him as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I’m not going anywhere, Dean. I’m here. And I’m safe. We’re both safe.”

Dean’s cries intensified. Cas worried about having said the wrong thing but his best friend held him tighter and whispered: “Thank you.”

[…]

The hunter and the angel didn’t stop hugging until Dean’s stomach made a weird noise, letting him know that he needed to eat something. They both chuckled, Cas smiling as he heard Dean’s laugh. His favorite sound in the universe.

They made the bed, the angel making sure that the sheets were folded as neatly as possible when Dean locked himself up in the bathroom. 

It didn’t take Dean too long to get ready. He chose to dress up in a green t-shirt, a pair of jeans. He washed his hair — that was slightly longer than what it used to be — and let it dry on its own. 

Then, Dean went downstairs and joined Cas in the kitchen. Sam was there too, already doing the dishes. 

“Hi, Dean!” he exclaimed happily as he engulfed him in a very warm embrace.

Dean was slightly surprised but he didn’t say anything. He was relieved that Sam didn’t ask him about what had happened the night before.

“Dean, I hope you got enough rest, because we’re going somewhere this afternoon.”

The elder Winchester brother was confused but he didn’t want to say anything that could upset him. He couldn’t refuse a getaway with his brother, right?

“Just make sure you bring a swimsuit and some sunscreen. That’s all you need. But it’s necessary.”

Dean frowned. Was Sam having a heat stroke? 

“What would I need that for? Is this a hunt underwater or something?” 

“Don’t ask me where we’re going, Dee. I won’t tell you. This is a surprise. You know what a surprise is, right?” 

Dean chuckled and rolled his eyes. Of course he knew what a surprise was. But he could see how excited Sam was, which meant that it had to be something fun. 

“Can I get a clue? Just so I have an idea what to expect… And please tell me there is no snake involved."

That would have sounded silly to ask for anyone. But Dean was terrified of snakes and Sam knew that. 

“Don’t worry, Dean. The point is for you to have fun and to relax. There will be no reptile in sight… to my knowledge.” 

“Great. So…?”

The hunter was still waiting for a clue. Sam sighed, looking unwilling to tell him more.

“Alright… Fine! Well… Let’s say it’s something you’ve been talking about for a while now. I think you deserve it. And you’ve earned it.”

That “clue” wasn’t helpful at all. It remained so vague and Dean still had no idea what Sam had planned.

“K, Sammy. Thank you… for whatever this is. I’m looking forward to spending the afternoon with you, little brother. We haven’t done that in ages.”

“Oh, Dean… It won’t just be the two of us. Not that I don’t want to spend some time with you. But, I thought that he’d be fun to go with…

“Donna? Jody? Claire? Hey Sammy, you know you can ask anyone to come with us, I really don’t mind.” 

“Cas. We’re going with Cas, Dean. It will just be the three of us.” 

As he looked around, he noticed that the angel wasn’t in the same room as them anymore. 

Dean didn’t know if he could do this. Since Sam had managed to bring Cas back from the Empty, with Jack’s help, he had barely had the strength to stay alone in a room with the angel. Because he was scared. Terrified that he would disappear again, right before his eyes. That’d be taken away from him, but this time forever. 

He’d gotten his first panic attack the day Cas had come back. Seeing him in the flesh after so many days in his absence had been too overwhelming. He’d spiraled and locked himself up in his room, not being able to talk to his best friend. He couldn’t breathe. The oxygen seemed to be gone from the bunker. Miracle had sensed his distress and sat on his lap, whining because she could feel that he wasn’t ok. And he’d cried. For hours. Until he had no tears left to shed. Because it all felt so fake. 

“Dean? Did you hear what I just said?”

Sam’s voice had startled him. He had to blink a couple times to focus on what his brother was telling him. 

“Sorry, Sammy. I have a lot on my mind… I’m listening now. You have my full attention.” Dean stated with a smirk.

Sam fought the urge to tease him but he knew that he’d been struggling lately and he was relieved to see him laughing and being his annoying self again. He missed seeing his brother happy. 

“So… The destination is a couple hours away so we need to leave around 11am so we can stay as long as possible there. Does that work for you?”

Dean nodded absentmindedly. He couldn’t stop thinking about Cas. Sam’s surprise was a couple hours away. Which meant that Dean would be in the car with him for those hours. Because, obviously, he wouldn’t be driving since he didn’t know where to go. 

“Ok, Sammy. Does Cas know we’re leaving?”

“Of course he does. Because all three of us are going. You’re fine with that, Dean? Did you guys have a fight?”

A fight? Why the hell would Dean fight with Cas? Since the angel had been back, he couldn’t even raise his voice while talking to him. 

“No! No fights. I gotta talk to him before we leave. Does he know where we’re going?”

“Yes, Dean. Don’t even try to get him to tell you. He promised me he wouldn’t ruin the surprise.”

Dean sighed. He had no doubt that he couldn’t escape whatever Sam had planned. He was dreading what could happen: what if he had another breakdown? Or a panic attack? Sammy didn’t even know about them, and he couldn’t find out. Not yet, maybe not ever. 

“Dee. You zoned out again. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah, Sammy. I’m sorry, been a busy week.”

Dean was lying and Sam knew that. He hadn’t joined him on the most recent hunt because he “hadn’t been feeling too hot”. That wasn’t a lie. He’d spent the whole week crying, freaking out and drinking himself to the brink of death. But he’d just pretended that he had a cold. 

“We’re gonna have fun, Dean. I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

[...]

“Dean, will you please tell me what’s going on?”

Dean had been pacing back and forth around the library, Cas looking at him, unable to focus on the book he wanted to read. Something was bothering the hunter and he couldn’t ignore it.

“Sit down. Talk.”

Dean didn’t even try to argue back. He just sat next to the angel and let out a deep sigh. 

“I… I’m fine, Cas.”

“No, you’re not. Please talk to me.”

“It’s that stupid… not stupid… that damn surprise. What if something goes wrong? What if that.. that thing finds us and takes you away? I don’t want to lose you again, Cas. I can’t do this.”

Cas frowned. Of course, Dean had been worried about him. And he was pretty sure this was what it was all about. Dean wasn’t ok and it was his fault. He wasn’t directly responsible for his suffering, but if he hadn’t made that deal with the Empty, he wouldn’t have left him. But Dean would be dead. The mere thought of his best friend being gone made him really upset. He had done what he had to do. He had to save Dean. And he’d do it. Over and over again. He’d do anything to ensure the hunter’s safety. 

“Dean… Jack took care of the Emp… of that thing. It won’t be a problem anymore. I don’t want you to worry about anything happening to me. I’m not going anywhere. I promise I won’t leave you again. Please stop thinking about that and focus on the present: I’m here, with Sam and you. Nothing has happened since I came back, right?”

Dead nodded, not finding the right words. 

“I just want three things: I want you to have fun. I want you to relax. And I want you to feel safe. Because you’ll be safe, Dean, I swear. Nothing will happen to you. And I’ll be safe too. Do you promise you’ll… at least to focus on those three things?”

“Yes… I’ll do my best, Cas.” he replied.

“Don’t feel pressured to do anything, Dean. Just enjoy your time at the… This short vacation trip.”

Dean nodded again. Cas looked at his face: he was so beautiful. He wished he could admire his delicate features endlessly. His green eyes were slightly wet. The angel didn’t utter a single word. He just cupped his chin in his hand and his fingers caressed his cheek gently. 

Dean didn’t take his hand off of his face. They stayed in that position for a couple seconds, looking into each other’s eyes, forest green meeting sky blue. 

Suddenly, Cas looked at the clock on the wall: 10:54am.

“Alright… We should get ready to leave, Dean. We can't be late.”

They both sat up from their chairs around the wooden table where they’d carved their names. Dean couldn’t describe it but he’d felt something special when Cas was holding his face tenderly. And it wasn’t anything unpleasant. He even found himself missing that contact and wanting it back. 

The hunter and the angel grabbed their duffle bags that weren’t very heavy: Dean had just grabbed a swimsuit and some sunscreen. Cas had taken the same stuff but he’d also taken the book he planned on reading once they’d arrived at their mystery destination. Dean was wearing his favorite sunglasses because he knew the weather would be sunny, and he’d let Cas borrow another pair of his. 

They left the bunker, Dean trying to focus on the three things that his best friend had told him to keep in mind: have fun, relax, remember you’re safe. Unfortunately, it sounded easier said than done to him. 

“Are you guys ready to have some fun?” Sam asked cheerfully as he jumped onto the driver seat. 

Dean smiled and sat in the back of the car. When he looked to his right, Cas was sitting on the seat next to his. 

The angel didn’t say a word. He just took Dean’s hand in his and Sam drove off away from the bunker. 

The younger Winchester brother had put on some classic music and Dean wanted to cut his ears off, he looked seconds away from exploding. Cas wanted to laugh but he knew it would probably be a very bad idea.

Not even two minutes later, Dean just couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Son of a bitch! Samuel Winchester, if you don’t turn that shit off, I’ll murder you with my bare hands.”

Sam chuckled and stopped the music, looking for one of Dean’s favorite albums. 

“Shit… I didn’t put the CDs back after washing Baby… Nevermind, just try the radio. There has to be at least one of them that will play some good music. No offense, Sammy.”

Sam laughed even harder, switching the radio stations as he was still focusing on the road as much as he could. It wasn’t easy when his elder brother was complaining every 10 seconds about the music that was playing. 

At some point, there was some pop music on the radio. Sam switched the station but Dean exclaimed “Wait, no! Go back! Please, Sammy!”

The driver frowned, surprised that his brother seemed to enjoy this genre of music but he executed his order without making any comment. 

“You like this?” Sam asked, in a judgmental tone. 

“Yes! You don’t know Sabrina Carpenter? She makes great songs. Love her!”

Sam looked at Cas in the rearview mirror. The angel just shrugged. His hand was sitting on Dean’s lap, hesitating to grab his again. 

Cas was caught off guard when he felt his fingers intertwined with Dean’s, who smiled at him in a very adorable way. He didn’t say anything. 

“You mind if I… take a nap?” Dean asked, hoping that Sam wouldn’t eavesdrop on him. 

“You can rest, Dean. We’re stuck in that car for at least the next two hours, you should get some sleep if you need to.”

The green-eyed hunter chuckled. Then he looked at his brother in the rearview mirror. Without realizing what he was doing, he let his head fall on the angel’s shoulder. 

Dean fell asleep within a couple minutes. Cas loved being so close to him: his hand on his lap and his head on the side of his neck. He could hear his heartbeat: his sleep was peaceful. From the position he was in, Cas could tell that he was comfortable. He felt safe.

[...]

“Dean… We’re almost there. You should look out the window, the landscape is beautiful.”

Dean mumbled in his slumber: “Where? Where are we, Cas? Cas… You here?”

He grabbed the angel’s arm, wanting to make sure that he hadn’t disappeared from his seat as he slowly opened his eyes.

“Cas… Son of a bitch! Did I really fall asleep on top of you?”

“It’s alright, Dean. Your head was resting on my shoulder but you weren’t bothering me.”

“This is so embarrassing… I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t want to… Dude! Talk about personal space!”

“Dean. Personal space hasn’t been an issue between us for years. You and I both know that.”

The elder Winchester brother felt his cheeks becoming bright red. Did he just fucking say that? Son of a bitch, did Sammy hear him say that?

Dean wanted to scold Cas for saying that. Because he knew damn well what it could be interpreted as. It was nothing: Dean was just very clingy and protective. And so was the angel. But as he looked down at his hands he noticed that Cas was still holding his and it was comfortably sitting on his lap. 

“When you lovebirds are done bickering, you should take a look at the view while I try to find somewhere to park. It’d be such a shame to miss out on that because you’re fighting like an old grumpy couple.”

Twice. Sam had just implied that Dean and Cas were involved in a romantic relationship twice within the same minute. Dean didn’t know how to feel about that. Strangely, it didn’t bother him. But it made him feel something that he couldn’t understand. 

“Dean!”

The green-eyed man tried to brush his thoughts off and looked out the window. 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean exclaimed as his eyes met the deep blue sea. 

Sam smiled. He was sure Dean would enjoy their mystery getaway but his reaction was even better than expected. 

“Son of a bitch, he repeated, looking and sounding like a kid who was excited to arrive at an amusement park. You took us to the beach? Sammy, this is the best surprise ever! You better park Baby as soon as possible so I can hug you tight. You asshole, why didn’t you tell me we were going to the beach? It’s been one of my dreams for years…”

Sam chuckled and slowed the car as he had finally found a parking spot. He turned the engine off and the classic music – that he’d put back on when Dean had fallen asleep. 

The two hunters and the angel both got out of the car, grabbing their duffle bags. 

“Cas, did you know?” Dean asked. 

“Yes, Dean. Are you pleased with the surprise that Sam has planned for you?”

Dean almost wanted to punch him for asking such a stupid question. Couldn’t he tell how happy he was from the way he was acting? 

The beach. We’re at the beach!

He suddenly felt himself getting emotional. As Sam and Cas walked down the stairs that were leading to the beach, he tried to remind himself of the three things he had to focus on: having fun, relaxing, keeping in mind that he is safe. 

Cas is alive. Cas is alright. We sat next to each other in the car and I fell asleep on his shoulder. He held my hand during the entire drive. Sam called us “loverbirds”. What the hell did he mean by that? What…

“Dean! Come take a look at the waves!”

Sam’s voice took him away from his thoughts and he looked in the same direction as him. 

“Son of a bitch! Am I dreaming, Sammy? Pinch me, this cannot be real!”

“This isn’t a dream, Dean. You’re at the beach! We’re at the beach, Cas, you and I.”

Cas is alive. Cas is back. I’m at the beach with Sammy and Cas. Nothing bad is going to happen to us. We’re safe. 

Dean took Sam by surprise when he wrapped him in a tight hug. The brown-eyed hunter had been warned, but he hadn’t expected him to engulf him in such a warm embrace. 

“Thank you, Sammy. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’m so happy. So, so happy!”

Dean felt a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks but he didn’t wipe them away. Because for once, after weeks of pain and suffering, these were tears of happiness. 

After that emotional moment, the three men found an empty spot on the sand. Sam took out all of the stuff he’d bring with him: three foldout chairs, parasols, sunscreen, a beach-volley ball, three pairs of flip-flops. He was already wearing his swimsuit under his clothes.

Dean couldn’t believe that any of it was real: the sun, the sand, the sea. It felt like a dream. It was a dream for so many years… 

He sat on the sand, wanting to be able to feel the grains under his feet. 

Cas was right. We’re here to have fun. We can relax. And we’re safe. 

He put his sunglasses back on and looked at the sea. The waves were so majestic. They were familiar to him. Something he’d probably never say out loud: they were the same blue as the angel’s eyes. So deep and reassuring. So pretty. 

Yeah, Cas’ eyes are beautiful. I mean, the waves… 

His best friend settled down right next to him.

“You should go put your swimsuit on. There are bathroom cabins over there… Is everything ok, Dean? You seem a bit… distracted.”

“I just can’t believe it, Cas. Is this real? This is… truly one of my biggest dreams. I never would have thought it would actually happen someday. Not to ruin the mood but I was convinced I would die during a hunt before even stepping foot on the sand.”

Cas felt his heart tighten when Dean told him that. The hunter had no faith in his future. He was sure that he would meet the same fate as John Winchester. But Cas didn’t want to believe that. Dean was a good man. He deserved to enjoy life as a retired hunter some day. And now that the angel was back from the Empty, he’d made one promise that he wouldn’t break to himself: he would look after Dean. He would save him even if it cost him his own life. Dean wouldn’t die a hunter. Castiel wouldn’t let it happen. 

“You okay, Cas?” Dean inquired with a frown.

“Sorry, Dean. Did you say something?”

“I got changed. I wanted to ask if… Son of a bitch, this is awkward… Do you want to go for a swim with me?”

Cas nodded and stood up, following Dean who had grabbed him by the hand with no hesitation.

A minute later, water was slightly above their feet. Dean was still in his awe. He couldn’t believe he was actually experiencing this. His first time at the beach. 

“Cas… This is embarrassing but…

“Dean! Will you please stop saying that everything that you want to do that involves me is either embarrassing or awkward? I know you don’t mean to hurt my feelings but this is a bit… rude…” 

“Sorry, Cas. I just… Son of a bitch, there is something I need to tell you but I thought it would be nice if we were… swimming together. Just the two of us.”

“You know I wouldn’t refuse to do anything in your company, Dean. Tell me what’s on your mind. Whenever you’re ready. Please take your time.” 

“I… Cas… I… Fuck, this is harder than what I had in mind…”

“Remember why you’re here.”

“To have fun. To relax.”

Dean took a deep breath. He exhaled and inhaled a couple times, then he cleared his throat. 

“Cas. We’ve known each other for… Dude, I don’t even know. It’s been so long. And you’re my best friend. You mean… you mean the world to me. I…”

“You don’t have to say it, Dean. I know. I’ve known for years.”

“Don’t do this, Cas. I need to say it. I need you to hear it. It doesn’t count if you just read it in my mind.”

Don’t do this, Cas. 

He’d said those exact same words once. No, he couldn’t spiral into thinking about this horrible day again. Not when he was there to have fun and to relax. He wasn’t allowed to ruin everything. 

“I didn’t, Dean. You told me not to read your thoughts and I respected that. I never read them. But I know. Because even though you’ve never said it, you’ve shown it. So many times. So often.”

Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in the being.

Dean suddenly felt sick. He was about to throw up. And he couldn’t make a fool of himself in front of all those people. There were so many people. Crowds usually didn’t bother him. But for some reason, this time it was overwhelming. 

Why does this sound like a goodbye? 

Because it is. 

“Dean? What’s wrong? Is it another episode?” 

Dean looked behind them. Sam was sitting on one of the foldout chairs, putting sunscreen on. Everyone looked like they were having fun. Children were laughing and screaming, parents were chatting, and teenagers were taking selfies and playing together. But Dean… Dean was on the verge of a panic attack. 

“Come with me. Please trust me. You’ll be ok.”

The hunter didn’t even hesitate, feeling his chest constricting. 

“Dean. Here. Please look at me.”

Their bodies were now both underwater, only their heads were at the surface.

“You’re safe. Everything is going to be ok, I promise. Take a deep breath. In, and out.”

“Cas… I really… I really need to tell you.”

“You will, Dean. You will. But for now, you need to calm down. Can you try to do this for me?”

Dean nodded. Cas gently wrapped his arms around his body. 

What is wrong with me? Am I broken?

“I want us to try something. All you need to do is to trust me. On the count of 3, you’ll put your head underwater and hold your breath. And I’ll do it with you. I won’t leave you alone. Is this ok?”

Dean shrugged. His chin was slightly shaking. Not because the water was cold, but because his whole body was starting to tremble. 

“1… 2… 3.”

They both held their breath. When they came back to the surface, Dean’s breathing was back to normal. 

“ It worked!” Cas exclaimed happily.

“What… I can breathe properly. How did you know what to do, Cas?”

Cas felt his cheeks getting flushed. He was slightly embarrassed to let the hunter know what he was about to reveal to him.

“I’ve been… Last night, after you fell asleep I started doing some research. About your anxiety. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be able to help you in case you had another… panic attack. I read in a book that if someone was struggling to breathe, there was a way to fix that. If another person kisses you, you hold your breath. And if you go underwater, the same phenomenon happens… How are you feeling? Any dizziness?”

“So I assume that you didn’t want to kiss me?” Dean teased him, avoiding the question. 

“Dean… Please confide in me. What triggered this episode?”

The green-eyed man took a deep breath, hoping not to freak out again.

“When I was about to tell you… I remembered the day you were… taken by the Empty. It’s been haunting me. For months. The nightmares haven’t stopped. Even after Jack brought you back. I’m scared, Cas. Damn, I’m so terrified of losing you. I don’t want to lose you ever again.”

Cas didn’t reply this time. He just hugged Dean, the hunter’s head resting on the side of his neck as he traced circles up and down his back. He knew how to make him relax. This specific gesture always worked. It soothed him and made him feel safe.

“I’m not going anywhere, Dean. I swear. I won’t leave your side ever again. I’m your guardian angel, after all. I need to look after you.”

“You’re watching over me, Cas. Always. I know that.” 

“And I’ll never stop. I need to make sure you’re safe. Every single day.”

Dean took some steps back and looked into the blue eyes that he had learned to love deeply.

“Cas. There is… something I want to do. But I’m not sure… I have never done that before… Not with another man…”

“Does this have anything to do with your remark from a couple minutes ago?”

Dean immediately felt himself getting flustered. He hated that Cas had realized where he was getting at so quickly. 

“You have my full consent, Dean. You may kiss me.”

“On the lips?” 

“No, Dean. On the forehead! Of course you can kiss me on the lips, you silly man!”

Dean rolled his eyes. This time, he stopped questioning everything: he grabbed his chin and kissed him. An explosion of butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He’d never felt anything like that before. Kissing someone had never felt this good. He wanted to kiss him again. So he did.

“Dean…” Cas chuckled.

“Shut up, Cas. Shut that beautiful little mouth of yours and let me pepper it with kisses. 

Cas remained quiet, his lips collided with Dean’s over and over again.

“This is gonna sound cheesy… But… I think I just kissed an angel...” he whispered in the crook of his neck.

Cas chuckled. Then, they laughed together until their cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. The angel was the one who initiated their next kiss. 

“You’re so beautiful, Dean. You’re the prettiest man I have ever laid my eyes on.”

Dean giggled. Cas kissed him again, but this time on the top of his nose.

“There is something… so adorable about your nose. Sometimes, I wish I could bite it off of your face.” 

“Sounds painful…” Dean laughed. 

“Your freckles remind me of a starry night. And your eyes... Your eyes, Dean…

“You’re one to talk! Have you seen yourself, Castiel? Your eyes are literally perfect.”

Cas loved it when Dean called him by his full name. It sounded so flawless whenever it left his lips. 

“What did you just call me?”

“Cas… Son of a bitch, I called you Castiel? Did you not like it? I can keep calling you Cas… Sorry, Cas…

“Can you say that again?”

Dean frowned, his confused features making the angel extremely fond of him. 

“Castiel?”

Another kiss landed on Dean’s lips. But Cas didn’t stop there. He kissed his cheeks, his forehead, and he left a couple of kisses on the side of his neck.

“You can give me a hickey. I won’t mind, Castiel.”

“A what?” Cas asked, utterly confused.

“A hickey, Cas. It’s a bruise left on purpose. Partners do that when they… are involved in a relationship.”

“A bruise? You want me to hit you?” Cas wondered, concerned with his request.

Why would he hurt the man he loved? What kind of nonsense was that? 

“No. Dude, you don’t have to hit me. Come on, I’ll show you. Do you trust me?”

“Depends… Are you going to hit me?”

“Cas. I already told you. There is no beating involved. Just wait and see.”

Dean placed his lips on the side of his neck and he left a hickey in that specific spot. But something happened: as soon as the bruise started to form itself, it vanished. 

Of course. Cas can heal himself. 

“Sorry, dude. I can’t give you hickeys… You self-healing bastard!”

“Do you… really want me to give you one? I don’t want to hurt you, Dean.”

“Did it hurt when I tried to give you one?” Dean asked. 

“Uhm… No. It was painless.” 

“Great. See. You won’t hurt me. Alright. Get to work!”

Cas mimicked Dean’s gesture. But the bruise didn’t disappear from his skin. It stayed there. 

“Told ya! Didn’t feel a thing.” 

Dean smirked. Cas loved his smirks so much. Any sign of happiness on the hunter’s face looked beautiful. But his smirks were probably his favorite thing. The angel found them silly, sassy but also weirdly attractive.

“We should go check on Sam… He is probably wondering where we went.”

“Don’t worry about Sammy, Cas. He is exactly where he wants to be.” he cackled.

Cas looked in the same direction as Dean. Sam had some company. He was talking with a woman who looked familiar. She had flaming red hair and a very pointy nose. Could it be…? 

“Rowena? Since when…

“Heya, Cas. This is none of my business. Aren’t they cute together?” Dean interrupted him, smirking again.

“I am just shocked. How long has this been going on?”

“Dunno. He changed his phone’s password and he has been leaving the bunker every time he has an “important call to make”. So… My guess is it’s been a couple months. Maybe four. Or five.”

Dean looked unphased. Cas was dumbfounded but he was happy for Sam nonetheless.

“But… What about Eileen?” 

“Oh… Well, they’re still in touch. But things didn’t work out. Sammy told me that he thinks they’re better off as friends. And Eileen still comes over sometimes. I’m surprised you haven’t run into her yet.”

“Does Crowley know?”

“Crowley would probably kill him if he knew. But they’ve been very secretive. He won’t find out before at least a month or two.” 

“And you… How do you feel about them being in a relationship together?” 

“As I told you, Cas. None of my business. As long as Sammy is happy, that’s all that matters to me.”

Dean smiled and took Cas’ face in his hands.

“Sorry for freaking out earlier. I almost ruined the whole thing. But now… I think I’m ready.”

“I already know what you’re trying to tell me, Dean. It’s fine if you can’t say it.” 

“No. Shut up, Cas. Let me say it. Please.”

Cas became quiet, his arms wrapped around Dean’s torso. 

I love you. Goodbye, Dean.

The hunter shook his head and tried to focus on the present. 

Cas is here. Cas is alive. The Empty can’t take him away from me.

“Son of a bitch!” he yelled in complete frustration.

Dean took a deep breath.

“I love you, Cas. Of course I love you. I’m sorry it took me so long to say it. I have been meaning to tell you those words. I just… didn’t have enough strength. But now I want to say it. Over and over again. I want to yell it at the top of my lungs. I love you, Castiel.”

Dean kissed him again. This time with more passion, more lust. He didn’t stop kissing him until they both needed to catch their breath. 

“I love you. I love you so damn much.”

They hugged once again and ended up going back on the beach ten minutes after.

“How are you lovebirds doing?” Rowena exclaimed without even properly greeting them.

This answered what Dean had been wondering, and slightly dreading: Sam and Rowena had seen them.

“Don’t make a big deal out of this, Winchester. We all knew this was bound to happen. We just didn’t know when it would. Are you officially together now? Will you finally drop the “best friend” act?”

Dean felt himself getting flustered again. He didn’t know what to say. That’s when Cas intervened, taking the hunter’s hand in his.

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, Dean. Just say it.”

“Cas… I don’t know.” Dean whispered, genuinely lost. 

“Dean and I are… involved in a relationship together. We just don’t know what to call it for now. I don’t want to pressure him into labeling what is happening between us.”

The angel’s tone was firm and polite. Dean was convinced that he was probably as red as a tomato. He hated being so shy, but he really couldn’t help it. Sam didn’t say anything, he just looked at them and smiled.

[…]

The four of them spent a lot of time together. Rowena left earlier than Sam, Dean and Cas because she had a busy night ahead. 

Dean and Cas had put sunscreen on each other’s back. Dean buried Cas in the sand, then the angel did the same thing to his favorite hunter. 

They took pictures. Many, many pictures:

• Dean took a picture of Cas looking at the sunset. They also took a couple pictures with Sam and the sunset in the background. 
• Cas took close ups of Dean’s features in the sun, with droplets of water rolling down his face. (His excuse was that his freckles looked even more beautiful thanks to the sun rays, but he kept looking at his eyes. His beautiful green eyes and the crinkles that appeared on their corners every time he laughed or smiled.) 
• Dean and Cas took a selfie as they ate ice creams together. And they took another one when Cas splashed his cone on Dean’s nose and he fought back. They both looked very stupid with vanilla and strawberry ice cream dripping down their faces.
• Sam took pictures of Dean and Cas when they were dozing off, cuddling up with each other as they were laying down on their towels. 
• The younger Winchester brother also managed to snap a cliché of them when they kissed. Dean threatened to punch him in the face when he found out but then he asked Sam to quickly send him the picture. Coincidentally, Dean had a new wallpaper before they even left the beach. 
• Sam and Rowena had already been drinking: Rowena had ordered a cocktail and the long-haired hunter had taken a lemonade, because he was the one driving. Dean had taken a couple pictures of them as they were cheering and talking to each other, their drinks in hands.
• Cas and Dean had gotten cocktails as well. Unfortunately for Dean, it hadn’t matched his expectations. His drink tasted awful. He made a very terrible grimace when he took a sip of it and Cas somehow managed to get a picture of him at that exact moment. The angel had been luckier than his partner: his cocktail was delicious. But tipsy Cas meant sassy Cas. Which led to a couple of playfights, one including the hunter and the angel throwing themselves in the sand as they were almost completely drenched in water because they had gone back for a swim only a couple minutes before.

The sky was darkening and people could no longer go for a swim, but the two hunters and their angel friend didn’t want to leave. 

“You were right, Cas.” Dean said as they were sitting next to each other in the sand, a big towel wrapped around them. 

“About what?” Castiel frowned.

“The three things that I needed to focus on: Having fun, relaxing and keeping in mind that we’re all safe.”

“I told you, Dean. You had nothing to worry about.”

“I know you told me that it wasn’t a big deal. But I want to apologize for freaking out earlier.” 

“Dean. We already had that conversation. You don’t need to apologize for anything. Especially not for your mental health.”

Dean knew he was right. But he still felt guilty for what had happened. 

[…]

“We’re leaving in five. Dee. Don’t worry, this isn’t farewell. We will definitely come back!” Sam told his brother who was silently looking at the sea. 

The waves were so peaceful, so calming. Just like the angel’s eyes.

“Dean. Sam is waiting for us in the car. Is everything alright?”

Dean let out a frustrated sigh. Something was indeed bothering him but he didn’t know if he could tell Castiel.

“I’m listening. Remember, Dean. I’m always here.”

“I know you told me that you’ve known that your feelings were reciprocated for a long time. But I can’t help feeling guilty for not telling you sooner. I still can’t forgive myself for not saying it back in the dungeon. If I had said it that day, maybe… Maybe…

Dean’s voice broke into a sob.

“Dean. Please look at me and listen very carefully to what I’m going to tell you. I love you, Dean. With everything in me. And I needed to say it so that I could save you from Billie. If you had said it back, the Empty probably wouldn’t have come. And you would have gotten hurt… Or worse. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to protect you. To make sure you would be safe. No matter the cost.”

Dean felt tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t want to ruin everything but it hurt: thinking about that day. Knowing that Cas had sacrificed his life to save him. 

“There… There are things that I haven’t told you.”

Cas stayed quiet, encouraging Dean to speak as he gently caressed his shoulder.

“I… I couldn’t do this without you, Cas. I wanted to die. I almost… Son of a bitch, I almost tried to take my own life after you were taken. But as I was about to… you know… I felt like something was trying to stop me. It was… like a voice was whispering to me not to do it. So I didn’t get through with it. But I attempted to numb the pain with alcohol. It didn’t work. No matter how drunk I was, even if I ended up on the verge of passing out, the memories just wouldn’t go away. The pain was even worse sometimes. I was a mess… And when Jack brought you back… I was so miserable and I somehow convinced myself that you weren’t actually here. That the alcohol was playing tricks on my mind. That you were just… a figment of my imagination.”

Dean stopped talking so that he could take a deep breath and he tried to wipe away the tears that were coming out of his eyes.

“The day you came back, I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I felt so weak. My chest hurt, my lungs hurt, my head hurt. I couldn’t breathe. Because what happened in that dungeon was replaying in my head. And it was so painful. I didn’t tell Sammy. I hoped that you wouldn’t notice anything. I locked myself up in my room and tried to calm myself down. But I couldn’t do that on my own… My thoughts were making it even worse. I was so exhausted and out of breath to the point that I fainted with Miracle on my lap. She woke me up by licking my face.”

“Oh, Dean… I’m so sorry you had to go through this on your own.” Cas whispered sadly.

The angel wrapped his arms around his shoulder as they looked at the sea quietly. The tears had stopped flowing on his cheeks as Dean admired the view.

“Guys. We should go back home… Don’t forget anything.”

Sam waited for them for a couple minutes then they joined him. They switched sides in the back of the car this time.

“Did you have fun?” Sammy asked as they put their seatbelts on.

“Hell yes, we did! Thank you, Sammy. This was probably one of the best days of my life.” Dean replied, meaning every single word sincerely.

Dean was exhausted. He didn’t want to bother Cas again by sleeping on his shoulder. But the angel didn’t mind. On the contrary, he even told him quietly that he could rest on his lap if he wanted to.

Sam left the parking lot, switching the stations until he found something that Dean would like. He was getting frustrated because there wasn’t anything that would work. But suddenly his brother exclaimed: “I love this. Perfect.”

It was a very gentle voice. Something beautiful that the younger Winchester brother hadn’t heard before.

“Who is this?”

“Billie Eilish, Dean replied, her vocals are wonderful. I really need to buy her first album on CD.”

Sam chuckled. His brother would definitely never stop surprising him. 

Dean’s favorite song on the album was playing. It was so nostalgic, so sad, yet so beautiful. But the lyrics of this song had nothing to do with his relationship with Cas.

Maybe won’t you take it back, say you were tryna make me laugh

And nothing has to change today

You didn’t mean to say “I love you”

“What is the title?” Castiel asked.

“I love you.” 

“We’ve already talked about that, Dean.” 

“Cas… You asked me a question. This is my answer. The title of this song… It’s ‘I love you’.” the hunter chuckled.

“Why is a song with a title like that so devastating?”

“Cas. Shut up and listen. Isn’t it perfect? Who cares if it’s sad?”

The angel focused on the verses. Then came the bridge.

The smile that you gave me

Even when you felt like dying

“Dean. I want you to promise me you will tell me whenever you need help. No matter what it is for. I’m here for you. Always. And I mean it.”

Dean smiled as his green eyes turned to the angel’s blue ones.

“Even in the dark when I can barely see your face, you look magnificent.”

The hunter chuckled, feeling his cheeks heating up again. 

“I love you, Dean. And I’m so sorry the first time I told you that was possibly in the worst circumstances ever.”

“It’s ok, Cas. You can say it as many times as you want. Maybe someday what happened in that dungeon will only be a distant memory.”

Dean yawned and started dozing off to sleep, his head perfectly rested on the angel’s lap.

[…]

When Sam made it back to the bunker it was very late. Traffic had been terrible on the way home and they’d needed an extra hour to arrive. Dean had slept the entire time, peacefully and quietly.

Castiel couldn’t believe all the things that had happened throughout the afternoon: Dean falling asleep on his shoulder, Dean holding his hand without caring about what Sam might say, Dean kissing him, Dean asking him to give him a hickey… Dean finally saying the words: I love you.

When they got out of the car, Cas took Dean in his arms, holding him bridal style. He was still asleep and the angel didn’t want to wake him up. 

They entered the building and Cas carried the hunter upstairs. He unfolded the sheets and placed him on the bed, covering him up once he was in a comfortable position. He also carefully took his shoes off. 

But as he was about to go meet with Sam in the kitchen, he heard his name. 

“Cas. Please. Don’t go. Stay here. Take your shoes off and come lie down with me.”

This was more of a plea than an actual order but Cas didn’t even hesitate. He removed his shoes and snuggled up to Dean, wrapping his arms around him.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean.” 

“I love you. I love you, my angel.” 

“I am not anyone’s property, Dean.”

“Son of a bitch! I know that I don’t own you. But what I mean is… You’re mine. My angel. Capiche?”

“I capiche.”

Dean chuckled and kissed Cas, this time on the cheek.

The angel didn’t understand what made him laugh but he left a kiss on the tip of his nose, which made Dean giggle like an idiot.

“Goodnight, Dean.” 

“Night, Castiel.”

At that exact moment, Cas had an idea: He would make pancakes for Sam and Dean in the morning. But this time, all of Dean’s would be heart-shaped. 

Although Castiel didn’t even need to rest, the hunter and the angel both fell asleep, holding each other tight. They had found their way back home, happy and safe. 

There wasn’t anything wrong with Dean. He was going to be ok. He just needed his angel back.