Chapter Text
When Yoonchae was young, she believed that God made a perfect daughter like her. The one who listens, the one who doesn't disrespect anyone, and the one who stays faithful to their own belief. And for her, she wanted to keep it that way. And God, the omnipotent that he is, created such a beautiful soul like her.
Her family isn't like the others. Growing up, her house was full of routines. Every morning, she would have to pray and be thankful that God had given her another day to live. After that, she would pack her things for school, and her mother would tell her to pray before she eats, thinks, and goes to school. She believes that without God, she wouldn't be safe. He is the Creator of the Heavens and Earth; she should be thankful.
And of course, going to Mass was a must. Every Sunday morning, they would attend church and listen to the Word of God. And for Yoonchae, she would be part of a ministry with Sophia. They would sing, help around the church, and participate in any activity. Although since Yoonchae is now a graduate of high school, she may only need to attend as part of a Choir instead of doing a lot of things for the church, since that was the advice from her parents.
Her sister, Sophia, was one of a kind. She was the perfect daughter. No questions asked. When she was a little girl, her parents would always praise Sophia for being the moddest that she is. Which is true, but Yoonchae somtimes loathes the fact that her parents might love Sophia more than they love her.
Like any other siblings, Yoonchae and Sophia didn't quite get along as they intended to be. Yoonchae was always a tattletale, telling her parents that Sophia did this or that. And Sophia, being the eldest, bites back with Yoonchae not listening to her. They would often scold Yoonchae, to leave her sister alone, but for her—she just wanted to get to know her better. Although they are sisters, there were in-differences. For example, Sophia was much more of an outgoing person than Yoonchae. Sophia had more friends than Yoonchae. Sophia is older, wiser, and much more competent than Yoonchae.
Even though they had their disagreements, Yoonchae can admit that Sophia will always look after her. She was the eldest, and it was her responsibility to take care of Yoonchae. She will always look up to Sophia, but mostly hate her since she was just… Too competent.
"Look at the Chapel."
Yoonchae opened her eyes as she noticed that they have entered the campus of Mount Saint Mary's an all-women's school that teaches how to deeply be faithful to God and to your own beliefs. She sees the Chapel on the right side, noticing the Gothic architecture that was display.
"Since you'll be away from home, I expect you to attend mass every Sunday," her mother pointed at the bell tower, and a crucifix gleaming in the sky.
Her father nodded as he scanned the campus, letting out a long sigh. "Sophia, what do you usually do here?"
"Huh?" Sophia lifted her chin and shrugged. "Usually, Megan and I would walk around in the morning, and she would come whenever I would pray in the chapel."
"I see," her mother replied with a satisfied nod, smiling at her through the rearview mirror. "You've been good, Sophia. I'm proud of you."
Of course, her mother will never stop showering Sophia with compliments. That's one of the things that Yoonchae didn't like her the most about her—because Sophia is seen as the perfect daughter, and Yoonchae was still getting there.
Sophia rolled her eyes. "You can drop off Yoonchae's stuff here," she said. "And I'll show her to her dorm room. We'll never find a cart if we wait."
Yoonchae heard this and thought about doing it by herself instead. She didn't like to bother Sophia, especially since she was a graduating student. When they stopped in front of the school, Sophia got out of the car and asked to open the trunk from behind. Yoonchae envied her this way, because Sophia always had this grace that she could never compete for.
Her father looked over his shoulder and said, "Yoonchae, go help your sister."
"I will now," Yoonchae muttered. She got out of the car and stood beside Sophia, grabbing another bag from the trunk. She mentioned, "I can… Do this alone."
"I'll ask Megan to do this for you," Sophia mumbled to her as she gave her a piercing look. "I have to go back to the apartment, I need to finish my thesis and I can try seeing you for dinner."
Yoonchae's eyes widen. What? She thought.
"Megan?"
"She's around the campus," Sophia said as she closed the trunk, dropping Yoonchae's luggage on the ground. "I'll message her. For now, you can stay here and wait."
"But—"
"I really don't have time right now," Sophia cuts her off with a tired voice, pinching her forehead. They could hear their parents talking in the car, and Yoonchae wondered if they could hear them talking. Was it really necessary for you to leave your baby sister alone? "Megan will show you around, okay? She'll help you get settled in. I think your roomie is nice. Hold on."
Before Yoonchae could say a word, Sophia pulled out her phone and sent a quick message to Megan. Yoonchae wondered if Megan would find this appealing, since she also didn't want to waste her time.
Megan Skiendiel, the rebellious friend of Sophia's, was one of Yoonchae's favorite people in the world. And also the one that she looks up to the most. Even though Sophia is supposedly her role model, Megan was somewhat a replacement. She was kinder, understanding, and very much present in her life. During the time when she was still a fifteen year old girl, Megan would often visit their house and play with Yoonchae (behind her parents' back because she wasn't allowed to play video games unless supervised). Of course, Sophia would see them and warned Yoonchae to not overdose herself on games, but Megan would always protect her.
"She's young," Megan reasoned to Sophia once. "She needs a life."
"Do you want to see my mom slap her across the face?" Sophia asked in a joking matter while Yoonchae was busying herself with Minecraft. "You know they're strict on her."
Megan shrugged once, letting out a sigh through her mouth. "Y-Yeah, but she's just a kid. Let her live."
"Fine," Sophia had muttered. "But if they catch Yoonchae playing, I'll blame you."
Yoonchae wouldn't say she's close to Megan, because she was six years younger than her. But she could say that Megan was kind of a sister towards her, even though she doesn't really feel that way. She sometimes wondered if Megan saw her as more of a sister than a friend. That would be weird, she thought. She probably thinks I'm nagging her all the time. But throughout her hardships in life, especially since she was a freshman in high school, Megan would always look after her.
Her mother got out of the car as she approached Yoonchae, smiling at her. She leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek, whispering, "You'll be good."
"I will be," Yoonchae responded warmly.
"No, I want you to be good. And if anything happens, Sophia—"
"I know," Sophia intervened, giving a small peck on her mother's cheek. "I'll look after her."
"I trust you enough that if Yoonchae needs any help, you'll be there."
Sophia sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yes, Ma. Don't worry, I got her."
She's probably going to be busy with her secret boyfriend, Yoonchae thought. God, she wanted to say that badly. But if she does, Sophia would say that their sisterhood would be broken. And she loved her sister, so she didn't want to do that. Sisterhood.
As soon as their parents left, Sophia and Yoonchae stood in front of the school. The campus was huge, considering the fact that it was only for a small community of girls. She noticed that there were girls in uniforms walking around, probably seniors, looking at Sophia and smiled at her. Sophia gave them a little wave before placing her hand on Yoonchae's back.
"You're popular here," Yoonchae mentioned quietly.
Sophia shrugged her shoulders. "It's nothing, I'm just part of an organization."
"Like what?"
"Writing," Sophia said and gave a small kiss on Yoonchae's forehead. Good, maybe she does love me. "I have to go, but Megan will be here in a bit. Just wait, okay? Text me when you're in your room."
Yoonchae jutted out her lower lip. "Aren't you going to help me anymore?"
"Chae, I have a lot to do," Sophia reasoned with annoyance under her tone. Yoonchae wondered if Sophia had pent up anger issues or something, but she didn't want to ask. "Plus, you like Megan. Right? You two are closer than we are."
"That's not true," Yoonchae protested. "You're my sister! And I don't want Megan to help me."
"Why? You love her."
"But you're my sister," Yoonchae mumbled, scratching her shoes onto the ground. "And Megan isn't my sister."
"Megan is your long lost one," Sophia rolled her eyes and took a few steps back, waving at her. "Text me, okay? Love you!"
As much as Yoonchae wanted to protest and run after her sister, she couldn't.
There was one rule between them: if Sophia says listen, Yoonchae needs to listen. It's a rule that Sophia made up when Yoonchae was a baby, during the times where their parents were out for a church ministry or simply busy with work. And whenever Sophia had to take care of her, she would often remind Yoonchae to listen to her or else she would tell her mother. She hated that rule, because she wanted Sophia to listen to her as well.
Yoonchae sighed and sat against the pavement, waiting for Megan to come. She wondered what Megan looked like now. She hadn't seen her in a year, but sometimes Megan would often send Yoonchae little gifts. Megan loved spoiling her, especially since she was the best friend of her sister. And Yoonchae would always keep them. There was a stuffed toy that Megan bought for her last Christmas, it was a brown teddy bear that she bought from Hawaii when she last visited. Sophia said to her that Yoonchae didn't need those kinds of things, especially since she just turned eighteen during that time. But Megan would refuse, saying that she owed Yoonchae because she wasn't visiting their hometown as much.
As soon as Yoonchae was losing hope, she heard someone calling her nickname.
"Little Chae!"
Yoonchae lifted her chin and sees Megan approaching her with a smile on her face. Her heart suddenly leaped, as if it was jumping around a field like those ten sheeps. She stood immediately and felt Megan hugged her warmly, wrapping her long arms around Yoonchae's figure. She noticed that she was a bit taller than Megan, which she didn't expect since she always felt smaller than her. When she pulled back, she noticed that Megan had changed her features. Instead of the pink highlights that she used to have, her hair was black instead. And longer. Her face was slimmer, and she used a lot of eye makeup now. Unlike before, the Megan she used to remember a year ago, had soft features of eye makeup. This time, she looked more… Compelling.
"You've grown," Megan said in awe, softly ruffling Yoonchae's hair. "Wow… You're tall now."
Yoonchae blushed profoundly and looked away, muttering: "Not that tall."
"Very tall," Megan said, pointing out the height difference. "I think you're an inch taller than me now. H-How are you? I didn't know you were going to study here."
"Did Sophia not tell you?"
"I might've forgot," Megan replied with regret as she scratched her nape. "Sorry, kiddo. Been busy and all that."
When she was fifteen, Megan always had this aura where you could be charmed by the way she looks at you. And for Yoonchae, she was still charmed by Megan. She didn't know exactly what made her feel that way, but maybe because Megan had this kind of personality where she was kinder than anyone else. Maybe only for Yoonchae, which she hoped for. Sophia would tell Yoonchae that Megan would get into unnecessary fights, and Yoonchae would ask what happened, but Sophia would tell her that Megan won anyway.
Megan was still charming.
"Unnie, I'm sorry that Sophia called you here," Yoonchae said apologetically. "I tried telling her that I didn't need your help."
"Nonsense," Megan laughed and grabbed one of Yoonchae's bags on the ground. "I'm always happy to help."
"Really?" Yoonchae asked with hopeful eyes. She followed Megan as they entered the dormatory, noticing that the air was much cooler inside.
"You know I always like to help," Megan said and looked over her shoulder to glance at Yoonchae. "And plus, I haven't seen you in a year. Consider this as an apology."
I don't mind, Yoonchae thought. You look older than before. Still more beautiful, but older.
"I would understand," Yoonchae replied.
"You talk so much," Megan mentioned as Yoonchae looked away, biting her inner cheek. She looked at Yoonchae's side of her face for a few seconds and chuckled. "I mean… You always talk a lot with me, huh? I'm your favorite, after all."
"You are not my favorite," Yoonchae chuckled nervously as she tightened her grip around the strap of her bag. She was, in fact, Yoonchae's favorite. But it would be embarrassing to say that, because Yoonchae didn't want to make it obvious.
"Sure, sure," Megan dismissed with a humor in her tone and approached the front desk. "Hi, Yoonchae Jeung-Laforteza?"
The receptionist looked at her and tilted her head. "You're not Yoonchae."
"Hi, Samantha."
Samantha rolled her eyes. Samantha? Does Megan know her or something? Yoonchae thought.
"Megan Skiendiel," Samantha sighed with a smile on her face. "What are you trying to do this time?"
"Nothing!" Megan raised her hands as she lets out a short chuckle. "I'm just helping out my best friend's little sister right here."
Samantha looked over Megan and saw Yoonchae standing behind her. "Hello, Yoonchae! I'm Samantha, you're looking for your keys?"
Yoonchae nodded and stood beside Megan, placing her hand on the counter. "Yes, I am."
"Welcome to Mount Saint Mary's College," Samantha greeted warmly as she turned around to look for her dorm keys. Once she grabbed it, she placed it on the counter. "You need to sign this so that we know that you're taking 107."
There was a moment of awkwardness. Yoonchae didn't know what to say or do, and Megan waited for her to grab the keys and sign the paper. When Yoonchae's head suddenly registered, she nodded as she signed on the paper and took her keys of her dorm room. Samantha smiled once more and mentioned, "I hope you'll like your roommate."
Yoonchae didn't want to have a roommate. She preferably liked to be alone, especially since she was an introvert. But Sophia mentioned to her that it's good to find new peers, and maybe Yoonchae should. But she was scared to do that, since her parents were strict on her. After all, she was the baby in the family.
Megan moved her head towards down the hall and muttered, "Follow me, kiddo."
Yoonchae followed behind as Megan took the stairs, her eyes drifting along the freshly painted walls. Do they repaint these every year? The hallway stretched ahead of them—a little eerie, if she was being honest. Still, she'd take eerie over another minute under her parents' scrutinizing gaze. At least here, she could breathe.
When they reached the second floor, Yoonchae spotted the number 107 on a door at the end of the hall. She exhaled slowly, trying to calm the nervous flutter in her chest.
Megan unlocked the door and pushed it open with her shoulder, flashing a grin over at her. "You'll like it here."
"Really?"
"Mhm," Megan hummed, stepping inside and setting down the luggage with a soft thud. "I lived in this building too when I was a freshman. Sophia was my roommate, actually."
Yoonchae remembered those days—back when Sophia was starting college and their mother would insist she take Yoonchae out. Make some time with your sister, she'd say, as if quality time could be scheduled like a doctor's appointment. Sophia never seemed thrilled about it, but she'd bring Yoonchae along to campus anyway. And Megan was always there. Sometimes Manon too. But it was Megan who made those afternoons feel less like an obligation. Megan, who actually talked to her like she mattered.
"I remember that," Yoonchae said quietly, stepping into the middle of the room. Her gaze swept over the space as she noticed two twin beds positioned across from each other, two desks, and two crucifixes hanging on opposite walls like silent sentries. She turned and spotted a tiny bathroom and an even tinier kitchenette tucked in the corner. It was cramped, but… Comfortable. "This room is small."
"There are two desks on each side," Megan said, gesturing with one hand before resting it on her hip. "And one window for you to smoke out of."
Yoonchae's eyes went wide. She'd never smoked in her life, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't curious what it felt like. Did Megan smoke? The thought hadn't occurred to her before, but now she couldn't stop wondering.
"You smoke?" she asked before she could stop herself.
Megan pressed a finger to her lips, eyes glinting with mischief. "Shh," she whispered, leaning in conspiratorially. "Don't tell your parents. They already think I'm a bad influence on your sister."
They'd probably think you're a bad influence on me too, Yoonchae thought, but she kept that part to herself.
"I won't," she promised.
"Good," Megan murmured, and then she stepped closer—close enough that Yoonchae could smell the faint scent of her perfume—and ruffled her hair again, grinning at her. "But seriously, don't smoke, kiddo. It's bad for your lungs."
Yoonchae laughed as she swatted Megan's hand away with a pout. "First of all, I'm not a kid anymore. And second, I don't smoke, unnie."
"I figured," Megan said with a soft chuckle, tilting her head as she studied Yoonchae's face. "But what's wrong with calling you that? You're Sophia's baby sister, you're still a kid."
"I'm not a kid anymore."
"You're still a kid in my eyes," Megan countered, her voice warm with affection. Before Yoonchae could argue further, Megan pulled her into another hug, but this one felt a little longer than they first met downstairs. Yoonchae's body tiffened for a second, caught off guard by how different this one felt.
Her mind started to wander. What had Megan been up to these days? Did she have a boyfriend? A girlfriend? The thought made her stomach twist uncomfortably. No, Megan couldn't have a girlfriend. Could she? But then again, things were different now. People were more open about… that sort of thing.
Isn't it sinful to love someone of the same gender? The thought crept in unbidden, like a reflex she couldn't quite shake. She pushed it away as quickly as it came.
When Megan finally pulled back, she kept her hands on Yoonchae's shoulders, looking her over with an expression Yoonchae couldn't quite read. "You nervous?"
Yoonchae hesitated, then nodded. "A little. Maybe more than a little."
"About what?"
"Everything," Yoonchae admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know if I'll fit in here. I've never… I've never really been away from home before. I don't know how to do this."
Megan's expression softened. She let go of Yoonchae's shoulders and moved toward the bed on the left, sitting down on the edge. "Come here," she said, patting the spot next to her.
Yoonchae sat down hesitantly, folding her hands in her lap.
"You're gonna be fine," Megan reassured her. "And if you're not, I'm literally ten minutes away. You can call me, text me, show up at my apartment at two in the morning if you need to. I mean it."
Yoonchae glanced over at her, searching her face for any sign that she didn't mean it. But Megan looked completely serious. She wondered why she never got Megan's number in the firat place. Or maybe she does have her number, but she never managed to message her. Maybe because she didn't want to disturb Megan's peace, or maybe she felt a little shy.
"What's it really like?" Yoonchae asked quietly. "College, I mean. Not the version Sophia tells me about."
Megan let out a short laugh. "You want the real version?"
"Yes, if that's okay."
"Okay," Megan leaned back on her hands, thinking for a few seconds before speaking. "Freshman year, I got locked out of my dorm at, like, midnight because I forgot my key. I had to sleep in the hallway until Sophia woke up at six in the morning for mass."
Yoonchae's lips twitched into a small smile. Megan always had the craziest stories, and Yoonchae would always find them funny. Megan was funny, Yoonchae liked that.
"She didn't hear you knocking?"
"She was out," Megan said, shaking her head. "I swear, your sister could sleep through a fire alarm. Anyway, my point is—everyone messes up. Everyone feels lost at first. So you're not gonna be perfect, and that's okay."
Yoonchae looked down at her hands. She knew that not everyone can be perfect, but Sophia was the epiphany of perfectionism. Through her face, body, and personality—everyone wanted to be like Sophia. And Yoonchae, of course, wanted to be like her.
Or maybe more than that.
"Sophia's gonna check on me all the time, isn't she?"
"Oh, absolutely," Megan said with a grin. "She's gonna smother you with texts. Just ignore, like, half of them. You'll be fine."
Yoonchae laughed softly. "She already made me promise to go to mass every Sunday."
"And are you gonna go?" Megan raised an eyebrow, her grin fading into something more curious.
Yoonchae paused for a moment as she let Megan's question sit in her head. She thought about the chapel on campus, with the crucifix in the sky, a repetitive weight of expectation that followed her like a shadow. Of course, she had to obey. If she didn't go to mass, she would be considered unfaithful. And plus, she needed to confess her sins every Sunday. So it didn't make sense for her to not attend
"I… I don't know," she said with uncertainty. Why did I say that? She thought. "O-Of course, I will."
Megan didn't ask any more questioned and nodded.
They sat there for a moment as the light came through the window, casting through the curtain of the room. Yoonchae watches Megan stand up and reached for one of the boxes, pulling out a string of fairy lights. "Cute," she mentioned. "Where do you want these?"
"Um… Maybe above the bed?" Yoonchae suggested.
"Good call," Megan chuckled and climbed onto the bed, stretching it up to reach the wall. As yoonchae stood up to help her, Megan adjusted the string, and she felt a sudden jolt. A static, rather.
She pulled her hand back quickly, her heart beating a little too fast.
"There," Megan sighed and stood in front of the bed. "Looks better this way."
Yoonchae nodded as she felt Megan's heat from her body crippling on her skin. She hugged herself and wondered if Megan was in a relationship. That thought again? She probably is, but why would that matter?
"Thanks, unnie," Yoonchae said. Megan turned and gave her a small smile, patting Yoonchae's shoulder. "Will I see you again?"
"Sure," Megan nodded with enthusiasm. "You know where I live, anyway. I can ask Sophia to pick you up and you could always hang out with us."
But I want us to hangout, she wanted to say. But she had no courage to, because Megan was older. Megan had more friends. She probably didn't need Yoonchae, anyway.
"O-Okay," Yoonchae smiled tightly and bowed her head a little. "I'll see you around?"
"Yup," Megan laughed and gave Yoonchae a little high five. "We'll have dinner, by the way. Yes, Sophia told me that. She told me to tell you."
Yoonchae nodded and kept her hands in front. "Okay, will she pick me up?"
"We'll pick you up," Megan said. "I'll see you around, little Chae."
As soon as Megan left, Yoonchae wondered when her roommate arrive. Was she as tall as her? Was she cooler? She probably was, but maybe rebellious too. She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the empty space in front of her.
This was going to be the longest four years of her life.