Chapter Text
And every colour comes to life as petals fall before his eyes. He kisses him and he’s hypnotised. Will breathes him back to life, surrounding his body and soul. A story unfolding in the touch of his lips grazing Mike’s.
Flowers bloom with no regret, so why does it feel so fake, why does it feel like it’s not his experience, like he’s watching from afar.
It seemed like that’s all it was, like he was hiding in the shadows of his own shame and fear. His heart knowingly striking up a rhythm of beats that synced so perfectly with Will’s. Yet a pounding ache in his head pulling him back to the reality of this not being his memory.
Will’s lips pull him back into his glow, into his perfect golden shine that has always surrounded him. It warms Mikes body and soul. His presence had always been Mike’s anchor and he ached to hold onto that.
Since their first meeting and until his last breath, Will would be everything to Mike. Nothing would change this, not even the fallout that had lasted for the past five years. Five whole years without his Will.
Five different holidays, birthdays, multiple achievements, that he had wanted to share with him only, but couldn’t. Not in person at least. He’d talk to Will in his head, imagine the excitement on his face.
He’d see it so clearly, the way Will’s eyes would sparkle, the way his smile would push up his beautiful rosy cheeks, making it seem like the sun had hit his face, but it was all him. Will just did that.
Like the brightest star in the sky, he’d light up Mike’s whole surroundings in his darkest hours.
Mike would find comfort in hearing from him through Nancy and Jonathan’s relationship. But the feeling of emptiness would linger, the feeling of missed opportunity for shared memories and moments.
“I love you,” he'd tell Will every chance he got, in dreams, through his writing, in low whispers to his empty room every night, while staring at the paintings and letters he had kept. In every waking moment he had done nothing but loathe himself. And every day he withdrew further into himself. Tearing apart every piece of the boy Will once knew.
Shutting his eyes at night became a punishment rather than rest, with every dream ending in Will slipping through his fingers all over again. Night and night again, Mike’s brain would find new ways to torment him.
He would write to him every day with the intention of sending the letters. Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. Not a single letter sent.
Mike had kept them to himself. Just as he had come to keep his heart and warmth to himself. He cherished the memories. But the feelings of emptiness would still find him, no matter what he did. No matter how hard he tried to push away the emotions that the loss of his best friend brought upon him.
Tonight was no different. Mike had fallen asleep surrounded by Will’s paintings, their presence radiating the warmth and comfort he needed to drift off. Dried tears clung to his heated cheeks, reminders of the dream of Will’s lips against his own.
There was no violent collapse, only the slow erosion of learning to live with the dread of surviving without the person who had once made his life feel whole. He hated the pull of reality dragging him back to his waking self, away from the only place Will still existed as entirely his.
Dragging himself up he sorts the scattered pieces of paper back into its intended box, like he had done every day, locking them up in the drawer next to his bed alongside his feelings.
He closes the drawer and just like that, his half smile fades into his usual cold demeanour. It was like a switch he had learned to turn off, untangling himself from the high of Will’s embrace and stuffing it back into the tiny corner of his heart that no one would ever regain access to.
“5:14am” the alarm next to his bed wasn’t set to go off for another two hours. Yet he knew the few hours of sleep he had gotten, would be all he’d get for the day. So he might as well make himself useful. A quick cold shower would surely bring him back to life and snap his brain back to reality before classes.
His dorm was cold. It was always so cold.
To Mike it was a way to remind him, to keep him in the reality of how cold the world felt without Will. His Will, who he hadn’t seen in years.
He’d meet him in his dreams every night. But no dream would ever fake the feel of being warm well enough to make up for the fact, that he had to live with the emptiness he had brought upon himself by shutting out the one person that could unshackle him from the shadows of his brain.
His memories were doomed to loop the last time he’d allowed himself to melt into Will’s touch. The last time he’d experienced the bliss of fooling himself into believing he could ever be more to Will than just his former best friend.
Shutting out the last of his thoughts, Mike finally moves from his bed. He had the last of his classes to attend today. Graduation was just around the corner, he had passed college with flying colours. Thanks to Will, he had been his muse over the whole course of his studies. He noticed his brain starting to backtrack, but he quickly shook it off. He had to focus on getting through the day.
He walks over to his closet and grabs a set of fresh clothes, laying them out on his bed before making his way to the bathroom. He strips naked and takes a quick look into the mirror. Disgust fills the pit of his stomach. His eyes looked empty and lifeless, his cheekbones defined in a way that looked like death was watching over his every step.
Stepping in, he turns on the shower tap and lets the sting of the ice cold water hit him without preparation. He grits his teeth, shivering through the pain.
‘It’s what you deserve.’ The voice in his head started getting louder.
‘Don’t you think so too? I know you do.’ The voice hums again. His hands form fists. Nails digging into his skin, deep enough to almost draw blood. He groans, trying to shut the voice away.
He was a prisoner of his own mind.
He shuts his eyes, dipping his head into the stream of water. His nails dig deeper. If pain was all he’d feel for the rest of his life, at least he’d have one thing left to remind him he was alive.
…
“I don’t know Lea,” Mike sighs on the phone. She had called him about six times before he decided to pick up. Lea had graduated just a year before Mike. She had been assigned to him as part of a buddy program and they had been inseparable ever since. In a way he looked up to her.
She had accomplished everything Mike had been striving towards to. Lea graduated with a perfect GPA and started working at a publishing company in New York, successfully working her way up to a promotion in the span of a year.
And now she was offering it all to Mike. Him out of everyone, it was overwhelming him to say the least.
“What do you mean you don’t know Mike, I’ve already handed in a letter of recommendation for you! You’re perfect for the position. Your grades are amazing and don’t get me started on your writing. Also,” she pauses, raising her voice to the sweet high pitch tone he knew she only used when she was really trying to persuade him.
“I might’ve also accidentally recommended you to Marc,” The emphasis on accidentally making sure he knew it was anything but. “His neighbour’s moving out. He’s looking for someone to move in and.. Mike it would be perfect! You’d be living right across from him, we could see each other a lot and I could help you acclimate.” She squeals excitedly.
Marc was Lea’s boyfriend. They had been dating since high school and were the epitome of that one love you'd spend your whole life yearning for. Mike had only met him a few times before, he was funny, easygoing and the life of every party. Someone who would always be able to lift up every room with their jokes. Mike liked him, so there was truly no reason to say no.
And the job offer.. was a dream come true. He would be working with authors across the state, helping them publish their life’s works, while simultaneously working on his own writing. It was perfect.
Over the past years he had bloomed into his role of tutoring freshmen. He had found a piece of himself through them. Seeing them improve and being a part of it, it kept him going.
He sighs, rubbing his palm against his forehead and through his hair. “Okay, sure.” He breathes out. Lea’s squeals fill his ear and he has to move the phone away. Fighting a smile he lets out a strained laugh. He adored her bubbly personality, for some odd reason in moments like this, it filled his head with an illusion of content.
A faint smile painted his face as he listened to her ramble on about how she’d make sure he would feel comfortable at all times and how it all would be worth it.
They continued talking and he listened to her planning for a while. She invited him up to New York for the weekend so he could take a look at the apartment. Noting that she wouldn’t be there that day because she would be with her parents, but Marc would make sure to pick him up. He’d agreed to all of it without complaining.
At last, he would finally have something to look forward to. A new chapter in his life. A new chapter without— the thought of Will crossed his mind. Shaking it off before it could emerge into a spiral. Will wasn’t coming back. He had to get this done, graduate, start this job, move away, move on..
…
As promised Marc had picked Mike up at the airport. His welcoming was warm, and despite only having met him a few times before, it felt like he was meeting a familiar face. Marc had a warm presence around him that seemed genuine.
The drive from the airport had started quietly. The city moved past the windows in steady blurs. Mike had never been in New York before, so he mostly found himself watching in awe and taking in the view.
There would be so much for him to explore, so many new faces to meet, so many different versions of him to get to know. He was starting to feel a rush of excitement building up in his stomach. Odd, it was as if for the first time in five years, his nervous system was calming down. Not knowing how long this was going to last, he absorbed the moment.
“So, how does it feel to be in New York?” Marc broke the silence.
Mike shifts in his seat, gesturing to the view in front of them. “Well, it’s definitely something.” He replies. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people in one place and don’t get me started on the insane architecture surrounding us right now.”
“Oh, so you’re kind of an architecture nerd, eh?” Marc laughs. “I’ve got just the treat for you then. We can grab some beers after checking out the apartment,” he continues. “And Tomorrow I could show you around a few places as well. We do have the whole weekend booked out for you here.” He says warmly.
Mike nods. “Sounds great. Will Lea be joining tomorrow then? She only mentioned being away today.”
“Oh yeah, she’ll be back tomorrow,” Marc replied, a warmth spreading on his cheeks at the mention of her name. “I’ll call her later, she probably also has a few good spots she wants you to see.”
Mike smiles to himself. The obvious love they shared for each other warming his heart.
They turned onto a wider street lined with tall apartment buildings. “We’re almost there. You’ll get to see it properly now,” Marc said. “The place I mean. It’s nice, I’m sure you’ll like it.”
“Yeah,” Mike nodded again. An unsure yet comforting wave of emotions rushing through him.
The car slowed, then stopped in front of a modern building. As Mike stepped out of the car the cold air hit his face. The air felt different here, sharper.
Two huge doors decorated the front of the apartment complex. Their footsteps echoing softly through the halls as they walked toward the elevator.
The apartment was beautiful. A large living room with huge windows stretching across the entire wall behind the sofa. The kitchen was connected to the living area, but it didn’t make the space seem smaller, on the contrary, it made the apartment look even more open and spacious, and the island in the middle had a strangely comforting presence. The bathroom featured a large shower enclosed in glass walls. Much to Mike’s taste. Even the bedroom, small compared to the rest of the apartment, felt just perfect for him, with windows stretching across the entire wall there as well.
He was sure he would be able to start anew here, and for once, he felt ready for it. He was done tiptoeing around his own life. There would have to be a reason he had gotten this opportunity. It had all fallen right into his lap and he wouldn’t waste it on getting trapped in his own head again.
Will was gone, but he would never leave his heart. And just like he had the past five years before, he would channel his love for him into his work. Into his new life. And for the first time in ages, Mike had felt a familiar warmth around him. Unable to put it into words, something about this apartment just felt right to him. It oozed comfort and a sense of home. He didn’t linger to question why though.
“I’ll take it.” Mike responded, his eyes still fixed on the breathtaking view in front of him. He’s ready.
…
The weekend had passed quickly. Marc and Lea had made sure to show Mike around New York true tourist style. The view from the one world observatory branding itself into Mike’s mind. He had enjoyed New York. Something about the atmosphere shifting his whole mindset about the move. He felt excitement now, instead of fear. He was ready to leave it all behind and start fresh. He owed it to himself in a way. To at least try and live his life.
Graduation had come and gone as well, after years of hard work Mike had finally closed the chapter of college. And now it was time for his big move.
‘Move away, move on’ his mind echoed.
He pushed through packing the last of his belongings into a big box. God it was tiring. The moving company had already brought up most of his things to his new apartment over the past week. But for the few things he couldn’t let them touch, he had decided he’d drive up himself. He had to drive up his car anyway.
He takes a last glance around the room as he drops the last box on his empty bed. A memory of his first night starts coating his vision like a thick dark cloud forming around him, suffocating him.
~
His keys jingle against the door as he opens it, a cold musty smell hits his nose and darkness greets him. Weird, would he be living alone? He’d have to check with administration later.
Stepping in, he turns on the light switch. It flutters as it turns on, Mike would almost be terrified if it wasn’t the middle of the day. The orange light illuminates the room and he takes in the view of the stuffy dorm that he would have to call his home for the next few years.
The room was cold in every way, empty walls painted in light grey and two beds on each side of the room. He could probably move them together towards the window in the middle of the room.
Suppressing the feelings of numbness crawling up his spine he moves towards the window and opens the curtains. He had a perfect view of the fountain in the middle of the yard. The sound of water would probably be soothing, he thought. A calmness washing over him. The beds would be perfect right here. He could open the window at night and listen to the sounds of the fountain, it would take his mind off things.
Off the fact that he was all alone. No Will. A shooting pain shot through his body.
Dropping his bag, he stumbles back as bile rises up his throat. No Will. He tries to make a run for the bathroom, but only makes it as far as the trash can next to the desk. He hurls over it, emptying his stomach. The stomach acid leaving a sting in his oesophagus that drew tears to his eyes.
He falls on his back and drops his head to the floor, stars forming in his vision as his ears ring. It sounded like his insides were screaming and his ears were picking up on them for the first time. A brutal sound.
Ever since he had tried to visit Will the morning after their shared night, he had struggled to keep in the contents of his stomach. He had left him. Will had just gone and left him without saying a word. He didn’t understand why. He had finally allowed Mike to touch him, to kiss him, to feel all of him. And then he was gone.
His stomach cramps and Mike curls into himself bringing his legs up to his chin in pain. The pain of his aching body not nearly as agonising as the reality of Will not choosing him. Will should have talked to him, he should have told him he was going to go to a different college. Why didn’t he feel safe enough to share the joy of chasing his dreams with Mike.
The devastation settled into him like a nest of spiders, crawling through his skin and shooting venom through his veins. Mike felt like he was dying.
He sobbed into his knees, curled up on the floor of his empty dorm. He sobbed until the pain finally settled into soreness. His thoughts running a hundred miles per second, eating at his sanity like a starved parasite.
He just wanted it to stop, had wanted Will back, even if just for a moment, even if it was all a lie. He didn’t care. He had fallen for his best friend, had opened himself up to him in the way he would only ever be able to open himself for one person. And it resulted into him being abandoned. So vulnerable, so full of pain. He just couldn’t understand.
Had he misread the situation? Had Will not wanted it too? Was he just playing along to get it done and over with, so that he could move on and leave Mike behind as a metaphor for his old life? His mind was spinning, he was starting to feel sick again. But there was nothing left. His stomach had been fully emptied out. He felt a hollow queasiness rising up in his throat. The feeling of nausea resting at the tip of his tongue.
He wouldn’t move off the floor that day, disconnected from whatever was happening outside of this room he would just lay there. Hugging his knees for a hint of self soothing comfort. The sunset illuminated the room as Mike rocked back and forth.
Hours of tears burning his eyes and cheeks, he let exhaustion pull him into unconsciousness. And he was gone, off to the place that had tricked him night after night, by tapping into his deepest desires. Reeling him in to a dream where he would still feel Will’s touch.
~
It took another shake of his head to brush off the dark memory of that day. He had come so far since then. At least throughout the day he had trained himself to push through. The nights were still a problem. Which he managed to solve with pills. Though they would help him sleep, they didn’t stop the thoughts nor the dreams.
It was like he was chained. Like Will had had pierced a barbed hook into his heart, it wouldn’t budge no matter how much he tried to numb himself with pills or alcohol. The barbed point kept digging itself deeper into him anytime he moved. It immobilised him in every way.
He grabs the box and leaves the dorm, unwilling to look back. He would be leaving all of this behind. It was nothing but a memory now. As he loads the box into his trunk, he takes a sharp breath.
Finally, he thinks to himself, shuts the trunk and gets into his car. He had a long journey ahead and with the twist of his car keys, the low rumble of the engine slowly drowned out everything around him.
…
“Well if it isn’t my favourite Wheeler!” Marc laughs as he pulls Mike into a side hug. “I’m pretty sure I’m the only Wheeler you know, Marc.” Mike laughs.
“And how does that make you any less of a favourite Wheeler to me, eh?” He fake gasps, dramatically grabbing his heart and pretend fainting. When Mike just continues staring, Marc peeks open one eye.
“We’ll have to work on that attitude, of yours. Lea mentioned being humorous wasn’t your strong suit. I thought we would have moved past that after our romantic weekend together.” Marc says dramatically pouting and blinking at him, then playfully punches Mike’s shoulder as he walks over to grab one of the boxes out of the trunk.
“She did, didn’t she.” Mike rolls his eyes. A smile painting his lips. As much as he hated admitting it, she knew him too well. Maybe even better than his own sister Nancy did. Which wasn’t her fault though. He knew that.
Grabbing the last boxes, they make their way up to the elevator once again. Mike feels tired, he had only stopped to grab a coffee and a chocolate croissant on the way and the caffeine x sugar hit was now starting to wear off.
He was honestly glad that he had Marc to help him with the move, thinking he would have had to have done this all alone if it wasn’t for Lea persisting.. once again he had to admit to himself that she was right. He made sure to make a mental note to never tell her this though. She would taunt him with it for the rest of his life.
They shuffle around the apartment in silence for a while, putting Mike’s things away and organising through boxes. Mike is in the middle of hanging his clothes in the closet, when Marc emerges from the living room, holding an all too familiar piece of paper in his hands. Discomfort rushes through him and straight to his cheeks.
“I thought you were a writer Wheeler. Didn’t know you had a talent for painting as well.” He says, pulling the painting closer to his face as if to analyse the brush strokes one by one. Marc attempts to turn the painting to look at the back of it.
Mike is in front of him in a few quick strides. Ripping the painting out of his hands. Leaving Marc with raised brows and a questioning look. Will had signed the back of the painting, of course he had.
“Sorry,” Mike breathes. “That’s kind of.. private, it’s— it’s special to me. I didn’t paint it.” Mike turns his back toward him and gives the painting a quick look over.
It was one of his favourite paintings that Will had ever gifted him. A picture of two empty swing sets in front of their middle school.
To the untrained eye, it would probably look like nothing. Just a set of swings in front of a brick wall. Touches of green shadowing the grass at the bottom. But to Mike it had meant everything. He had studied the brush strokes closely and carefully many times before. Imagining Will in front of his easel, perfecting every stroke. He felt every emotion Will had put into it through retracing them with his fingers alone. It told a story. It told their story. So beautiful, Mike thought.
The scene was one of the only fond memories he had left in his dark brain. Probably the only one that wasn’t tainted and overshadowed by years of that little voice in his head, that had painted black dark streaks of destruction on top of the echoes of Will which he had safely stored away in his mind.
“I didn’t know sorry, I shouldn’t have touched it. It’s a beautiful painting though.” Marc’s voice softens quietly, showing Mike a side of him that he had never seen before. He lays the painting on top of his folded sweaters into his closet. Feeling like he had to keep it safe at all costs. It was all he had left now and he would cherish it forever.
“It’s okay,” he turns to give Marc a warm smile. “You couldn’t have known. I really appreciate you helping me.” Marc’s tensed body visibly eases up and he smiles back at Mike.
“Maybe we could have a couple of beers one night and you could tell me all about why that painting means so much to you. I’d be happy to laugh at you getting all sentimental and shit.” He laughs. There he was, Mike thought. He liked the simplicity of Marc. He had a way of yanking the tension out of a room by distracting you through his humour.
“Come on.” Marc gestured. “I think you should meet my roommate! I promise he’s not a weirdo. He’s amazing really. Smart and creative. I’m sure you’ll all get along.” He was smiling sheepishly at Mike.
Ugh, looks like he’s in for a treat. Mike hated meeting new people. No one would ever amount. No one would ever be him. His dreams would still haunt him no matter who he’d meet.
He sighs and nods. “Alright sure, why not? Can’t hurt to know who I’m moving right across from right?” He forces a smile, genuine as possible, he was growing more tired now.
“Nice! You should also definitely come by for dinner later, when you’ve finished unpacking! I’ve seen your fridge that shit is empty,” He says in a mocking tone “and I’m a hell of a cook.” Marc puffs his chest proudly.
They move toward Mike’s door. He grabs his keys, he had locked himself out enough times. And he sure as fuck wouldn’t want to do that here, he had no one to hand a spare key to yet.
He watches as Marc walks across the hall to unlock his own door and call into the darkness of his apartment, it was still early. Surely his roommate would be still asleep.
“Yo Byers!” Mike stops in his tracks. Panic forming in the pit of his stomach. He must have heard wrong, surely. Or did he? His hands started sweating regardless.
“You got a minute bro? I want to introduce you to our new neighbour. You know the one I—” The boy in the apartment suddenly interrupts him.
“Yeah, yeah I’m coming.” He hears an all too familiar voice shout back, sounding sleepy.
Mike’s entire body freezes. It was the voice that had haunted every waking moment and all of his dreams for the past five years. Time slows down as he hears footsteps approaching.
He grows anxious. Instinctively taking a step back out of pure terror. The fidgeting of his sweaty hands comes to a halt as he locks eyes with the boy emerging in the doorway.
Mike’s whole world stops abruptly.
Fluffy bed hair is gracing his head. ‘Beautiful.’
He looks like he had just gotten up, yet his sleepy swollen face looked like he had jumped right out of a painting. ‘Beautiful.’
The boy’s big hazel eyes widen for a moment, as their eyes find each other for the first time in years. ‘Beautiful.’
His heart rate picks up, banging against his chest, he felt sick in the best way possible. His ears start ringing, screaming for the boy across the hall. 'Beautiful.'
Mike feels like he was finally awoken from the deep slumber that had lasted for the past five years. ‘Beautiful.’
His thoughts now ran at the speed of light. 'Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.'
The glow of Will standing before him seemingly washing away the layer of grey, which had tainted his vision ever since the first morning he had woken up without him. Every breath without him since then, had felt like a drop of acid slithering down Mike’s throat. It felt like the sweetest of honeys now.
“Beautiful.” He finally murmurs under his breath, detached from the fact if Marc had heard or not. Once again, his heart had been hypnotised.
Mike’s world ever so slowly started spinning again. Life rushing through his veins. He was fully awake now. The tiredness that had plagued him just moments ago vanishing in the split of a second.
“Will?” He tries again, but it comes out as a whisper.
He felt as if his eyes had suddenly decided to play tricks on him. He blinks a few times, unable to believe that he wasn’t dreaming for once. But no, he was standing in front of him.
His Will was actually standing in front of him.
…