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They were happy.
Jude fondly thinks of all the days they’d spent in fields, far out from the centre of the world, the centre of conflict. It was far from Jude’s physical home, but when he laid his head upon Sharpness' lap in a field of endless alliums it felt all the same. The warmth of the sun rays filtering through leaves onto his face, though the blush on his neck kept his face hot regardless. They were so far from everyone, from insignificant conflicts, from the façade they kept up. Jude could feel the warmth of Sharpness skin as he picked up his hand, bringing it to his soft lips. His thumb traced across Sharpness’ bottom lip, letting the skin pull under his movement. Sharpness grasped the hand, keeping it close to his face. Jude smiled as Sharpness kissed the cold metal around his ring finger, pulling his palm up further to nuzzle his face into. Jude would always stare as Sharpness sat quietly, holding his hand like it held the answers to all his prayers. Sometimes Sharpness would pull Jude’s hand to his forehead, palm grasped in both of his warm hands. He’d mutter something. Maybe a prayer, maybe a promise- certainly never loud enough for Jude to hear. Sharpness would eventually kiss his hand before gently placing it back down, staring into his eyes, pink meeting green in a furious contest. Although they no longer held swords to each other's throat, they found comfort in easy challenges. Sometimes Jude would lose on purpose so he could feel Sharpness smother him in kisses, worship his skin and soul like a fanatic.
Jude doesn’t know when things changed, he doesn't think they ever did. They had plans, goals set in stone, things to reach for in the future. It didn’t matter if they were chest to chest in battle if Jude could feel the ring beneath his armour. Jude never saw Sharpness as a traitor. Jude never felt like he’d betrayed his allies, his friends- because how could loving someone be seen as something so horrible, so impossible, so unforgivable. When they were away from everything, everyone, they were just two people in love. When they were in the field of alliums they were just two souls connected, basking in the warmth of each other's smiles. Was it traitorous to bask in the light of a loved one? To mingle breaths and exchange promises of forever? Jude was everything to Sharpness, a promise of warmth. With each month passing they only grew more bold, with Sharpness eventually sneaking into his home. It was dangerous, Jude lived right by the centre of the town, a place where many roamed, most who would never approve of them. But Sharpness did not care for the risk when Jude would roll over at first light and kiss his helmet so delicately. Jude felt like they were moving somewhere, like one day the world would be okay with them. Jude was sure that they’re connection would outlast all, that their love would outlast the feuds between their factions. But Jude remembers the night clearly, when Sharpness had held Jude’s hand and begged him to keep them a secret. Sharpness had wept before him on his knees, absolutely terrified of losing Jude. Sharpness’ eyes were wild with emotion, hair askew as his voice gave out, looking upon Jude with true fear painted into every inch of his expression. Jude remembers the wet on his cheeks when he’d taken Sharpness' face into his palms and wiped away his tears, kissing the drops that continued to fall as he promised to not tell anyone, to be content being happy with him outside this world of horrors. To carve into the corner of the universe a place for them to be safe, to be in love, to be together.
~
Jude doesn’t really know when he started writing his vows. He’d written for so long, he doesn’t know when the soft declarations of love had slipped into the recounts of carnage. Everyday he’d written in his journal, long days of trapping and slaughtering people wore down on his soul. He’d written to feel free, because he knew he’d never be free. Jude was too far into a world he could never leave, though he could never fathom hurting his allies. He could never truly hate them for how he hid a part of himself. Could never hate them on the mere assumption they’d kill him for a secret he’d never even told them. Even if it meant living a part of his life in the darkness, hidden from view. Even if he could never have the gentle pleasure of holding his partner’s hand in the middle of the street, he could embrace him every day in the field of alliums. Jude remembered his hands shaking when he’d started writing lines, throwing around ideas. It had taken days, maybe weeks before he realised just what he was writing, the commitment embellished in each flourish of letters. Jude had felt the thoughts stutter when pen came to paper, when he tried to verbalise how much it meant to him, his little slice of paradise deep in the outskirts of this world. He’d written everyday he could, anytime he felt the weight of his responsibilities crushing down on him. Anytime a dark night came where he could hear the whispers of the people he’d killed pulsing below his marble floor. Anytime he sat around with his closest allies listening to plans he could not oppose- plans to hurt his love and all associated with him.
Jude still remembers making crowns of allium, of placing one atop the golden locks of Sharpness' head. Still remembered the way Sharpness had beamed at him. But something was different this time. It had been a while since they’d made it to the field, it was far away and both of them were caught up in assignments from their allies. Tasks to be completed to hurt one another. They both knew that their allies were actively plotting against one another, they knew that when silence stretched like this there was something big coming. Jude tried to ignore it as he ran his hands through Sharpness’ hair, braiding the pieces gently, tugging it slightly so it wouldn't come loose in battle. A battle that was sure to come. Jude let himself breath easily when Sharpness ran his hands through his short hair, pulling out blades of grass and dried blood. They conversed lightly, trying to ignore the heavy topic that hung over them. Nothing good would come from discussing the strategies and plans their allies had been concocting. It was easier to be ignorant then keep a secret from their allies. Accidentally leaking anything to one another could mean everything between them could be on the line. That their corner of the universe could be jeopardised. The leak could be traced back to them, their relationship. No matter how well they hid they always crawled back to one another, one day something would crawl along with them. Claw into their love for each other and bare it for the world to see, to judge. Maybe they’d been too risky recently, maybe the midnight visits had been too far. Jude thought about it, thought about Sharpness’ warm embrace around him. Thought about how loud his thoughts were when he was alone, how cold the marble floor was. Jude reminisced on how deep Sharpness would sleep, how unwilling he was to leave Jude’s warmth for even one second. How Sharpness cherished him like he was a fading memory, held him like he was losing him. Jude thought about losing that, about asking Sharpness to stop. He would never be able to get the words out of his mouth, he couldn't manage anything more than a gentle sigh and warm kiss to his love.
~
It had been too long since he’d been in his lover's embrace. Jude was covered in sweat that was his, and blood that was not. He’d walked into his home, his safety net. Sharpness was sitting there, posture stiff. Jude was immediately on edge. Jude could still see rays of sun peaking inside, something incompatible with what he was seeing in front of him.
“Sharpness?” Jude asked softly, moving closer to where Sharpness was standing. He didn't register the sorrow in Sharpness’ eyes, the guilt gnawing away at his composure.
“I’m sorry.” Sharpness said, metal clinking as he drew his sword.
There was something heavy in his eyes, weighing down on his movements as he pointed his sword at Jude. Jude felt his movements stutter as the blade pointed at him like an accusation. Jude barely registered where he was, what he stood above. Sharpness form was strong but his gait seemed weak, like he was holding himself together with bandages and a promise.
“I’m sorry.” Sharpness repeated.
One hand left his sword, Jude felt his shoulders relax immediately. Maybe he’d terribly misread the situation, maybe Sharpness was testing him, maybe they’d laugh at this in a week. But everything left him as Sharpness’ free hand grasped a secret lever in the wall, looking away as Jude felt the floor disappear beneath him. Jude thought at that same moment, the moment the lever was pulled, his soul was separated from his body. Something so raw and real was pulled from him the moment he felt his stomach plummet. He’d shown Sharpness that lever, traced the veins on the back of his hands as he’d shown him how to pull it, moved his chin to look at the trap it corresponded with. It had only ever been a backup, if someone caught them together they could trap them long enough to escape together.
“Really?” Jude voice cracked as he barely jumbled together that singular word.
Sharpness had made his way towards the bottom of the trap, looking at Jude through the mess of bars keeping him in place. Sharpness seemed stuck, like his own mind was pulling itself apart at his vision. Like he couldn’t believe the picture his eyes were communicating to him, like his actions weren’t his own.
Jude whispered in disbelief, “Why would you do this?”
Sharpness barely managed to make eye contact, although his lips stayed silent his eyes communicated a thousand words. He lifted the sword again, eyes calculating as he raised it between the bars. Jude could do nothing, barely able to move as Sharpness aligned the sword with his thigh. It was strange for Sharpness to go for a non-lethal shot, maybe he was hoping Jude would bleed out. Maybe it would be easier for Sharpness if Jude bled out. He began to breathe heavily, soft grunts of pain escaping as he felt the metal press a shallow cut into his thigh, Sharpness’ grip shaking.
“Sharpness,” Jude could feel the tears brewing in his eyes, “why?” The word was barely louder than a breath. He was begging for an explanation, a reason, anything. “Why.” Jude asked once more, resolute. The blade was still pressing shallowly into his thigh, pain flaring as it continued to press. “Why would you think I'm so stupid.” Jude spat, the words were filled with both malice and heartbreak. He felt around behind him, hand pushing against a stone in the wall, the sound of a mechanism hissing immediately. The blade immediately clattered to the floor between them, Jude wincing as blood rushed down his leg.
“No!” Sharpness’ scream echoed through the stone walls as he fell, floor rushing up towards him. Bars lifted and Jude moved to the edge of the pit, hand pressing down on the wound on his leg. Jude looked down, at the bottom of the stone pit sat Sharpness, cradling a hand that looked to be bent at the wrong angle. Jude felt a small hope in the depth of his stomach, it wasn’t Sharpness’ dominant hand. He killed that light immediately. He couldn’t let himself harbour any more feelings for this traitor.
“I knew it.” Jude kept his voice steady, trying to sound strong despite the pain rippling through him. He felt stupid when he sobbed mid sentence, “You were trying to betray me.”
Jude turned and limped away, trying to breath through Sharpness begging and wailing. He was injured badly and his base was compromised. He felt no pain in leaving it all behind, heading to an allies safe house. Any warmth that house had harboured had been robbed from him the moment Sharpness had pulled that lever. He had to let that version of himself die in that base, in that trap. A version of himself that truly believed that one human connection was infallible, was worth more than the empire he’d dedicated himself to. That field of alliums was heaven- non-existent.
~
Jude was yet again covered in blood, his sword in his hand. He doesn’t know how many were dead, how many had fallen to his traps. How much blood was on his hands? How many more souls must he wipe off this plane of existence to find himself once again. Would he ever be able to pick up the pieces of his life and hold himself together on his own. Was he little more than a shattered being pressing the sharp edges of his regret into others? Jude doesn't remember the last time he stood by himself, did what he wanted. Jude doesn’t remember the last thing he wanted before Sharpness. Jude doesn't think there was an ounce of his being that didn’t want Sharpness, he’d been ready to give away everything for their happiness. He thought for some length of time that his soul was tied to Sharpness, their happiness fated on them being together. Jude would fight the gods that held him down to have one more day with Sharpness. The thought resonated with him too deeply. It fed an ugly, festering corner of his brain that he still couldn't bury. Jude dropped his sword. He’d never have that, Sharpness had made sure of that. Jude felt something warm on his face, pushing his hand up to wipe off the blood that must've trickled down from a head wound. But his hand only found salty tears carving rivers through the dried blood on his cheeks. Jude looked over the view from the balcony atop the spiralling roof of the church. The bodies he’d buried for his allies had painted the walls red, and had built the foundations for the kingdom they planned to build from the ashes of this one.
Jude’s hands shook, whether from exhaustion or the grief kindling in his stomach, reaching into his satchel. It had stayed sealed the whole battle. There were no necessities he didn't have within arms reach, most bloodshed came from a distance anyways. It was easier to pull traps when you couldn’t hear the screams that rose from their depths. His fingers brushed what he was looking for, relief washing through him. He was glad for the small graces this world still offered him, perhaps there was a kind god above that did not despise him. He gingerly pulled out a chain of flowers, holding it fondly. The flowers had been wrinkled in the battle, damaged but still maintaining their shape. Jude’s grip on the flowers was so light a strong gust could take it from him. But he was too scared to hold them any tighter, worried that if he held too tight he’d lose them too. He carefully placed it upon his own head. He looked over the lower spirals of the church's roof around him, the intricate designs carved into each. The ornate metal railing only thing between him and a 100 foot plummet to solid stone grounds. He pulled the only other item from the satchel, unfolding it carefully. The page was thin, creases folded gently into the paper worn with time.
Jude started reading the page, his voice a whisper on the wind.
“To my dearest.
The one who I hold in my heart.
Who holds me to his chest under an old oak tree” Jude paused. He could feel the ache in his chest, the pain in his stomach at the thought of the man who’d he’d once held. He could still remember the press of the bark roots on his thighs, something he’d never voiced because the comfort of Sharpness’ lap was worth more than subtle pain in his legs. He could still remember the smell of oak, the smell of alliums, the smell of Sharpness. It was trivial. It was unbearable.
“Your smile kills all the worries I hold.
If you are not my soulmate in every existence,
I would raise my sword to fate.” Jude voice was getting louder. Jude felt like he was pleading with the budding sunrise, with the gentle wind, with the endless sky. Jude thought that maybe something would listen to him, tell him this emptiness in him was some sick misunderstanding, that they were destined to be together in every universe, soulmates. That darkness roared up within him, the corner of his mind pushing away the breeze to invade his psyche. The awful thought filtered into his head that maybe they were destined in every universe. In every universe except this one. That for him to be happy in a thousand other life times he must sacrifice even that aching cavity in his chest where his heart once was. That it was true that happiness of some relied on the suffering of others, like the universe would not be balanced if he was not tormented by a dream just out of his grasp. But Jude was terribly selfish, he didn’t care about the happiness of a thousand others- his heart still ached for Sharpness. It ached like it was still there in his chest, even though he clearly remembers the day it was ripped from his rib cage.
“With you I am happy.
With you I am whole.” Jude’s voice trembled terribly, losing its volume as he read. The wind carried his voice through the crevices of the roof, whispering the secrets of his words to the sky above them. What a cruel line he’d written. Jude looked at his own handwriting and felt the rip all over again, felt the moment everything had been taken from him, the moment he’d been left in this cruel void of emotions. In the cruel prison of a mind without purpose.
“I think one day,
In that field of alliums
I left a piece of myself behind.” Jude felt the crown pressing down on his head, the subtle scent of alliums- the scent of memories around him. He felt the tone of his voice tune up as he confessed the words aloud. He’d never read the page aloud before, it felt too dangerous to admit aloud something so secret, so precious to him. Jude understood now. He’d never be whole again, he would never be able to stand tall with that piece missing from him, the piece that Sharpness took. A piece he’d given so freely and willingly. A piece so vital to him each day without it had felt like torture, like dragging himself towards the surface of an endless ocean while choking on thick water filling his lungs. Jude knew that even now, if it meant one more day in that field with Sharpness, Jude would willingly place that piece, his entire being, his soul, into Sharpness’ hands. Jude would lay his head in Sharpness' lap and let him pulverise the fragile pieces of his heart, for one more moment in the soft glow of the sun, in the gentle presence of his lover.
Jude looked at the next line climbing up onto the railing, letting the wind ruffle his hair and sky reflect on his face. The sun was glowing more warmly on the church walls, climbing slowly. The warm morning glow hadn't quite reached his feet yet, he was too high up. Jude thought that the world looked beautiful from up here, the silence that had washed over the kingdom complimented the serenity Jude had found. It felt like the perfect day. Jude steadied his voice.
“I hope you hold it dearly,” He smiled at the note, ripping it into pieces and letting the paper flutter away in the whispering wind.
“My world.” He said firmly.
“My heart.” His voice wavered, stones clattering off the edge.
“My love.” Jude said with finality as he closed his eyes, stepping off the edge.
Jude's whole body snapped to a stop as he felt a searing pain in his shoulder. His shoulder joint felt like it had ripped from his socket as he let out a curdling scream of pain. He could feel the wind still coursing around him, the clattering of stones as they continued to drop without him.
“Jude!” Sharpness yelled desperately, voice cracking in the centre as tears began to well up in his eyes. Jude looked up at him, his face clear of tears, only the traces of where they’d once been carved through the dried blood on his face. Sharpness felt the sear where their skin was contacted, where both his hands had an iron grip on Jude’s forearm, fighting against the pull of gravity, the voices calling from the floor- begging Jude to join them.
“Sharpness” Jude smiled, eyes shining. Sharpness' face was contorted in devastation and struggle, as he held Jude off the side of the roof. Sharpness was using all his strength to not slip over the railing himself, to hold them both up. Jude could no longer feel the searing pain in his shoulder, only the warmth of the hands on him, of a touch he’d wished for so desperately, a touch that had ripped his heart away long ago.
“You have to let go, Sharpness.” Jude said gently, pulling up his other hand to caress the knuckles on Sharpness’s hands. He tried to gently pull off Sharpness’ fingers one by one, but in a raw battle of strength Sharpness had always won. Sharpness worked harder, pulling Jude up inch by inch, engaging every muscle he had. He pulled with all his strength and then some, finding reserves he’d never touch, strength fuelled by his desperation. Sharpness’ tears were carving pink rivers into his cheeks and falling onto Jude’s face, eyes scrunched closed as the wind whipped around them.
“No.” Sharpness said quietly, desperately, grip closing tighter. Sharpness opened his eyes again, seeing one of Jude’s hands move from his own hands towards him, moving to his cheek. Sharpness could feel his gentle caress, could feel the warmth of the slowly rising sun, the smell of dried alliums. Jude’s hand moved again and a horrible metallic scrape sounded. Sharpness’ sword had come loose from his hilt and Jude had just drawn it further, holding it in his hand like a dead weight.
“You have to let go, Sharpness.” Jude repeated once more, the sun now gently washing over them in a golden hour glow. Sharpness thought even at this moment, Jude looked beautiful. Jude’s gentle smile, the soft caress of his words, the pink glow of his skin. The crown of allium in his purple hair, a memento from their past preserved so carefully, a promise of something not yet forgotten.
Sharpness would kill all the gods for this man, even if he never forgave him. “I can’t.” He whispered, pulling harder, now having a proper footing on the ground. He pulled again, using his body weight to pull Jude over the railing of the balcony. He stumbled back as his grip slipped, expression twisting into shock as terror ran through his body. But Jude was on the balcony, sun shining behind him like he was a gift from the first light of this world.
Jude smiled brightly, “You must.” The scrape of steel and stone sounded as Jude brandished Sharpness’ sword in his hand, tip pointed towards Sharpness’ chin. Sharpness was still on the floor before him, unable to move, unsure of what to do. Jude just tilted his head slightly, looking down on Sharpness with a sympathetic smile. Jude knew there was no turning back, he was resolute in his decision and no visage of his past love could convince him otherwise. He could no longer live as half a man, waiting for Sharpness to breathe life back into the soul he’d lost. Sharpness felt as terror filled his veins, flowing from his head to the tips of his fingers, every hair on its end as Jude turned the sword on himself, and thrust it through his heart. The wind paused its howling, time standing still for a moment.
Sharpness moved swiftly, capturing Jude’s body as his knees buckled forward. Together they crumpled into a pile at the top of the church, lovers tangled together in a kingdom that hated them. Sharpness wept openly, feeling as Jude’s body went limp, no resistance in any of his limbs. His body was heavy, dead weight in his arms as Sharpness cradled it close, holding it to his chest like he could still hear his heartbeat. Sharpness felt the sobs wrack his body, the blood staining his clothes as he pulled back slowly, unsure. Sharpness looked at Jude’s face, head rolled back and smile gone. Jude’s mouth was open and unmoving, his eyes unfocused. He no longer had that resolute expression, nor an expression of serenity, his muscles were all relaxed, expression tilted to one side as horror pulled at his features. Sharpness felt his body shake harder, his ears dull to any sounds as his hands hovered over Jude’s face. They hovered above for a second, too scared to touch his face. He felt like this was a terrible prank, some cruel joke that Jude would snap back from any second. His hands trembled greatly as he gently pressed Jude’s eyes closed. His eyelids slid close, Jude’s body providing no resistance in its limp state. Even with his eyes closed, he did not look asleep, he did not look peaceful, he looked dead. Sharpness wailed, the weight of his own actions catching up to him. Each cry felt like a prayer, his arms squeezing tighter around the body in his arms. His voice cracking and growing hoarse with each breath he took. Sharpness had broken every promise he’d ever whispered under that old oak tree to keep Jude safe, to keep Jude alive. When Jude had pledged his soul to him, Sharpness had given his back, he knew Jude would keep it safe. The day he’d pulled that lever he’d sacrificed that small sliver of happiness, that promise of a future. To keep Jude alive he’d driven his sword into his thigh, harmed the bearer of his soul to appease allies, allies who knew, who’d maybe always known. He’d made one last vow that day, whispered over the hilt of his sword. He’d harm Jude now, so that he may continue to live another day, to let Jude find happiness in the tomorrow, even with another. He’d broken both their hearts to keep them alive, to appease the cruel world they lived in. Yet here Jude lay, Sharpness’ sword through his heart, vows broken. Jude’s skin was cold and no blinding sunlight could ever bring back the warm rush of blood to his cheeks.
“My world.” He said quietly ducking his head into Jude's shoulder, uncaring as blood began to coat him. Maybe he could still hear his heartbeat fading, maybe it was his own pulse thrumming in his ear.
“My heart.” He whispered gently, Jude’s blood was warm even though his body was cold, it was a cruel reality. He used to bask in the endless warmth of his lover’s smile, and now Sharpness could only feel that warmth in the blood coating his hands, digging itself under his fingernails.
“My love.” Sharpness couldn’t find it in himself to care as the thunderous sound of boots ran towards them. He could only hold Jude tighter to him, like he could hold together the broken pieces.
“One day,” he admitted softly, “I will find you in a field of alliums.” He breathed out the words as a promise, empty and broken. The wind had picked up again, laughing at his misfortune. Sharpness screamed his throat raw as he was violently ripped away from Jude, rough hands pulling him back. Jude’s body fell hard onto the hard stone floor, muscles limp. Sharpness’ crown of dried alliums fell from Jude’s head and landed in the thick pool of warm blood beside him, red coating the delicate purple petals.