Chapter Text
The room was bright when Lohen came to. His whole head felt groggy, like he’d been hit by the club of a mitachurl, over and over and over and maybe even then some, for weeks on end… his whole body felt stiff in general, from his torso up.
…huh?
Anything below was numb.
He tried wriggling his toes, he really did– if they moved at all, he truly couldn’t feel. Looking down at his body, he was surprised to see himself laid down donned with clean, white linens– An infirmary gown.
Where? How did I…
The entire world felt heavy around him. He felt the weight before he recognized, it was himself. Never before had his body felt so frail, arms shaky as he lifted it up to the light hanging above him, examining the feeble skin to it– Paler than the cold moon, faintly translucent under a stark, medical light. Nothing more than the stringy limbs of a starved Winter hare. He swears he remembers a time he had muscle to be proud of, strength underlaid his bones which he used as a vessel of destruction, charging into battle for his nation. Now, he was little more than an echo of what used to be.
Why can’t I feel my body?
In the strange moment he had woken into, the world suddenly could no longer be understood. In the hazy depths of his muddled brain, something felt missing… beyond his brain too, a physical matter inexplicably missing from his body.
Quietly, a door opened somewhere far away.
“...sir Lohen?!”
He winced at the sudden shout. His head still weighed a ton of bricks, but lifting it he caught just the edge of a white dress.
“Sir Lohen, you’re awake!”
Soft hands slipped under his back, cradling his body upwards in a sudden, gentle force. If he did not recognize the voice famous all over Mondstat, as well as the very same person who treated him all those years ago, perhaps this would be how he thinks angels come to get you.
Ah, but he’s going to Hell.
Lohen didn’t have the strength to resist, anyways.
“...Barbara.”
His voice was nothing but a whisper. Hardly a croak. The vibrations in his throat hurt desperately.
She gently positioned him to sit up. In her kind, youthful eyes, was nothing but pity.
Lohen hated it.
“Sir Lohen,” she said softly, like a strong noise could blow him over. And if she did think that, perhaps she wouldn’t be entirely wrong. “Do you remember why you’re here?”
“I…”
He tried to move his legs again, to no avail. A question he couldn’t answer. A place he didn’t recognize, and clothes he didn’t own.
Lohen hadn’t felt this weak in a long, long time. Many years ago now, before he joined the knights. He was a scrawny, helpless thing, little more than prey for the world to pick on. A rabbit who was good for naught but sitting pretty in a crumbling burrow. Skin on bones, a helpless escapee from the jaws of something greater than himself…
He shuddered thinking about it.
What kind of battle could revert me back to this pathetic state?
In a sudden state of panic, his hands blew to check over his body for injuries–
Despite his unshakable, continuous feeling that, somehow, somewhere, something was missing from his body– He felt the cold flesh of his very much attached limbs. Ten fingers, ten toes, every scar and mole on his legs just as he remembers them. They hadn’t changed. What did?
With shaky hands, he dared to reach for the under-hem of his medical gown. A strange feeling of correct unease coursed through his body– This had to be it. His upper torso was fine. His legs were fine. What could be here? What could be this source of malice and confusion in his body, down here at his abdomen?
He pulled the flimsy cloth up in a single, frightful motion.
Oh.
Had he really gotten so weak that a single wound is all it takes to get him like this?
A single, strangely uniform scar down his belly. From his bellybutton down to the widest part of his hips, perfectly vertical. Like his enemy had been trying to… cut him open.
His memory of the last time he was awake was suddenly all too vivid.
“Sir Lohen?!”
He was barely listening at the time. Many healers had surrounded him, running around, all in various amounts of panic. For all the battles he had been in throughout the years, all the scars he proudly wore, every time he fought for his life and barely made it out–
Nothing compared.
Nothing.
Blaming that lightkeeper was easy. But in part, it was his fault.
Without someone trying to force feed him soup, pin him to bed every time he tried to run off and fight enemies, or make him rest when the rain made him sick– Lohen was awful at caring for his body. It was no surprise he could barely care for the second, smaller body within his own, too.
He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but his resolve had been firm since that lightkeeper expressed that he did not need to stay. But he truly underestimated how difficult it was, cradling his heavy belly at night and understanding only in that moment, a human is not supposed to do this alone. There is supposed to be another person.
The scurry of doctors and nurses started clearing out. They seemed organized. Perhaps they had their own resolve made.
“Sir Lohen,” one politely began addressing him. They talked like they were bringing news of death.
Words in one ear, out the other.
“We’re afraid a natural birth won’t be safe for you, your body is…”
They said something. Lohen couldn’t focus. The pain didn’t let him. This is the part where his partner listens for him, and then gently relays the information back to him, isn’t it?
His ‘partner’ is in Nod Krai.
“...get your child out, under anesthesia.”
He vaguely understood what the doctor was saying. He understood better when we saw the scalpel to his round, protruding stomach.
It glinted in the light. If he made it out of this bed alive, he’d quite like to meet his own light soon.
And with that, down under he went.
“...Where is she.”
The deadness in his voice didn’t sound human.
“Where is she.”
Barbara’s eyes split wide open.
“WHERE–”
The sister had run off in an instant. Lohen couldn’t feel bad for how he scared the kind woman. The thing that was so empty and missing from his body was suddenly so clear. They tore him apart, and from the ruins of his body came a precious light.
It felt like an eternity, awaiting Barbara’s return.
What would she be like? Would she even be a girl at all? What if they tore a boy out of his womb– He truly did not know. There is some fancy technology available in select parts of Teyvat, even in Mondstat to find out, but he never bothered. His child can be anything– As long as it’s theirs.
Finally, Barbara slips back into the room. Her steps echoed in the oppressive quiet of this empty room.
She put the child in his arms. And then, she left on the pretense of giving him space.
It’s just the two of them. Lohen, and their child. No one else who’s supposed to be here, none at all.
His hands have never trembled this much, not even his first time wielding a weapon with the intention to fight. With a gentleness he didn’t know he had, he freed them from their swaddle.
…She is everything he expected.
Lohen’s turquoise hair, soaked at the tips in crimson blood. Pale skin that’s never known the true moon, chubby cheeks that he fully expects to grow into the soft, barely defined jaw both he and her father have. The only thing he did not expect, are the twin moles under her eyes– Like she took one from each of them in her creation.
She stirred slightly from her sleep. She was far, far bigger than a newborn should be– Lohen wondered if her size was the reason he had been so incapacitated those nine months, but that didn’t make sense– She was far too big to have fit in his womb.
A terrifying thought came to mind.
…I need to ask Barbara how long I was asleep.
Again, she moved, this time to stretch. Her chubby little legs kicked with such surprisingly strong force, like a young rabbit kit, Lohen couldn’t help but smile knowing the strong little girl came from himself.
She was cut from him, a physical drain that nearly took everything he had, including his life– But she seemed healthy. Lively. Strong. Everything a parent could ask for.
And then, she blinked.
Lohen felt chills down his spine.
It wasn’t just similar, or an echo– Their daughter had completely and utterly ignored any genetics relating to his eyes. Nothing of him was in them.
The exact slope of the eye, slightly downturned and as devastatingly cute as he remembers. Lashes a little bit red and a little bit blue, straight and narrow and thin. But most of all– Brilliant sapphire, and rusted ruby. Down to the shape of her pupils.
His daughter cooed curiously, reaching up with her small, grabby hands, unknowing that the man holding her was the one whose flesh she came from.
Lohen shook himself from his stupor, willing himself to remember, they are not Illuga’s eyes. They are her’s, now.
Gently, he reached to take his daughter’s hand in his own. She was so, so achingly warm. Her soft, chubby, baby skin hardly felt right against his bony fingers, scarred and rough from years of battle. Such a fragile thing… was really created by him, and a father who has never known peace.
Oh, Illuga… what would you think?
“...Hello,” he said gently.
Her tiny fingers wiggled against his. She blinked at him with those large, familiar eyes.
“...Hi,” he said again, even softer. He could hardly hear himself.
“It’s nice to meet you, my little light… Eleanora.”
“Is that… Vice Captain Lohen?”
“Holy shit, it is! Didn’t he just wake from a month long coma? What is he doing at the training fields?!”
“And where’s his baby?!”
“Geez, are you really surprised? No one expected him to be a good dad. She’s probably going to be raised by the nuns…”
Lohen ignored the lingering whispers around him, cursing his naturally good ears. So often they picked up things Lohen wished he did not need hear. Another, better time in his life ago, he would’ve taught those lousy onlookers a valuable lesson on respect, and not underestimating him. But as his spear clashes against the wooden dummy, he can lift it no longer as it falls to the floor with a harsh clang, leaning on it as he breathes heavily. Even kind, patient Barbara would be angry at him if she knew he was exerting his body like this so soon after getting cut open. Within weeks of waking from his coma, he was back at the fields. His legs trembled so like fine twigs in a breeze, even the lighter training weapon in his hand was too heavy to wield conveniently. A pain hit him in his midsection, but he simply could not accept the physical state he was in. How easily, anything at all could pick him off, the weak, pathetic thing he was–
His sharp ears tuned instantly to the faint babbling cries of a baby, his beloved little Nora. He rushed instantly to her side, dropping everything at once to the little bassinet he’d brought her to the field in.
She had freshly woken, suckling her thumb and making soft cries as she did.
Lohen picked her up, cradling her small body against his. She was almost too heavy for him, already a month old by the time he finally held her for the first time. For such a little thing, and though all life starts weak, he believed she was stronger than the rest. She was Illuga’s, after all. So vulnerable she was currently, swaddled in her blanket and little cap, yet someday he’s sure she will surpass him. She must. Lohen doesn’t doubt her, nor her father’s genetics for a second.
“Are you hungry, or did you just miss me, little light?”
She cooed happily as Lohen bounced her in his arms, seeming happy to bask in the attention of her dad.
“Nora, it is impolite to interrupt daddy’s training, you know? How else does the hare grow strong enough to protect her young? Else should a wolf come gobble you up, little kit?”
He tickled her small belly, playfully mimicking the gaping maws of a big bad wolf, coming to eat her up.
To his surprise, she produces a tiny, unmistakable sound– A giggle.
It was short, anyone else might doubt if they heard correctly– But a rabbit's ears miss none.
“Laughing at me already, Nora? You know, that’s quite unusual for your age… am I so funny that you decided to start early, or are you making fun of me, hm?”
She remained silent, looking up at him with those familiar eyes. Her chubby little cheeks pulled up into a smile, going back to sucking her thumb.
Lohen’s heart twisted in two different directions, bittersweet. He was ecstatic his little kit giggled for the first time, and so early too, surely a good sign of her healthy development. But how many other milestones did he miss, during that short time he could not wake?
He quells these thoughts instantly. It would be far, far too hypocritical to have such remorseful thoughts, when Illuga would see none. Not that he can miss what he won’t know.
“Bah bah… boh… book?”
“Book,” Lohen confirmed, pointing at the cover. “Book. Nora, you wanna read a book?”
“Boohk!”
He pulled the little girl into his arms, at about a year old now her lively wiggling and small fit of giggles fighting him almost posed a challenge as he firmly placed her in his lap, no chance of escape as he flipped open the first page of the book she’d brought him.
“This book is called… huh. Little Rabbit’s Questions. Did I teach you my good tastes, little light?”
“Book! Rheed!”
He laughed a little, “Alright, alright, I hear you!”
The simple illustrations opened up, a small, stylized white bunny with red eyes, next to a bigger one of the same color. Small bunny was getting dressed, while Big bunny was helping them do so.
“ ‘Mama, why are your ears so long and wide?’
‘So that way, when Little Rabbit cries, Mama can hear you.’
‘Why does Mama need to hear when I cry?’
‘Because, Mama will always come to you when Little Rabbit cries.’ ”
His voice trailed off, saying ‘Mama’.
The next page had small bunny looking at a bug atop a log, curiously peering at the even smaller creature, clothes covered in dirt. Big bunny was doing laundry.
“ ‘Mama, why are your eyes so sharp and keen?’
‘So that way, when Little Rabbit is far, Mama can see you.’
‘Why does Mama need to see me when I’m far?’
‘Because, Mama will always find you when Little Rabbit is troubled.’ ”
He closed his eyes. Just for a second, to collect himself, flipping to the next page.
Now, Small bunny was chasing a balloon. Big bunny was on the other page. Unlike the other pages, Big bunny was not doing anything but frantically searching for something.
“ ‘Mama, why are your legs so long and strong?’
‘So that way, the day Little Rabbit leaves, Mama can run fast.’
‘Why does Mama need to run fast when I leave?’
‘Because, Mama will miss Little Rabbit very much.’
‘Will Mama come see me when I leave?’
‘Of course, Mama will run to come see you, because one day, Little Rabbit will leave Mama.’ ”
Lohen slammed the book shut.
“Welp.” He swallowed, putting the book off to the side without looking. “Book over. All done, Nora.”
She made a confused sound of protest, “Bahboohk no don?”
“All done,” he repeated firmly. “Hey, now that we’ve finished that one, how about another?! I’ll pick this time, okay? My turn!”
A small hand tugged at the caplet of his armor, drawing his attention down.
“Daddy? Can I join?”
Lohen peered down at his little light. Her eyes bore right into him, fiercely determined at such the young age she was. They had such resemblance to him.
“Eleanora,” he chided lightly. “I’ve told you many times– You can join training the day you are strong enough to hold a training rod.
She humphed lightly, already displaying her new stubbornness at the great age of four. She was growing well, even if on the smaller side for her age. With little steps, she hopped on over to the rack of training rods.
He often took her with him to his training sessions. He still remembers her first giggle, now instead of napping or bringing her coloring papers, she entertains herself by watching her dad. Lohen didn’t like having her away from him, just as much as he hated how weak his body was. The first year or so were slow, but with a little more independence from his little light, training has been easier. He can draw a bow, throw daggers, and use his own polearm again.
“Daddy!”
He turns his head sharply to Nora’s direction, already worried somehow that the worst has happened in these small training grounds–
She wobbles a bit on her feet, proudly holding up a wooden training rod high up above her head.
“I can hold it! I can hold it, see?!”
Lohen just stares at the sight for a while. It’s clearly straining on her little arms, her chubby cheeks grimaced in sharp concentration and balance, pole shaking and moving back and forth, but she refuses to let go.
Is it wrong to impose on her too early, the ethics of battle? Had he inadvertently created yet another battle-crazed rabbit by training in front of her too much, or was this always going to happen, simply being in her blood just as it was in his own childhood?
“Nora,” he called her over gently. She ran over, chattering excitedly still wielding a weapon far bigger than herself. “Nora, you know you don’t have to? Lots of people do not fight. Some make crafts, some farm, some trade…”
“I wanna protect daddy!” She proudly proclaims. “I don’t want a wolf to get either of us– ROAAAR!!!”
That… must be her father’s genes at work. He’s the only person who could try to protect Lohen without even knowing it.
He swallowed down his thoughts. Maybe it was fate. Either that, or cruel irony. Whatever it was, Lohen would not deny their daughter her rightful path in life.
“...Alright, then,” he said, trying to keep the shake out of his voice. “Nora– Watch me!”
“Dad?”
He turned to her from where he’d been surveying maps, “Yea?”
She blinked curiously at him.
“Who’s my mom?”
Lohen froze to the spot.
At nine years of age now, he knew he’d have to expect to get this question someday. Just– Out of the blue like that–?
Actually, no. That was exactly his daughter's style, he should’ve expected it.
“...I do have one, right?”
Her eyebrows furrowed, thinking hard with her young brain. He’s sure many possibilities have filtered through her brain already, with various degrees of biological possibility.
“No,” he answered plainly. Simple. “You don’t.”
He hoped it would end there, but Nora was stubborn and curious.
“Okay, so I don’t have a mom–” She reasoned, “Is she dead?”
“...you never had one.”
Her young face contorted in even further concentration, racking her brain for a feasible answer.
“Am I adopted?”
“...No.”
She threw her hands up in frustration, “Did I come from ANYONE’S womb or is Mr. Albedo lying to me?!”
He couldn’t help but snort at the mention of one of her teachers, “First of all– Never trust Mr. Albedo. Most people come from a womb, yea, but did you know Uncle Durin came from a bottle?”
Nora gasped, leaning up on the table with pure astonishment in her familiar bright eyes, “No way!! I KNEW it! So I came from alchemy, too?!”
Lohen paused on his words.
“...No. You… came from me, Nora.”
Now, she seemed puzzled in confusion. Her mouth opened and closed, trying to make sense of it all. An unsettled feeling creeped into her voice, lower and softer than her prior excitement.
“Then… who’s my father?”
Nora looked up at him, expectant for answers. Her haunting eyes sparkled with innocent curiosity.
Lohen had to look away.
“I want to join the knights.”
Thirteen year old Eleanora stared deep into him, determination brimming on her maturing face. She said it like she meant to challenge him, willing to fight for her rightful place no matter what answer Lohen gave.
Not long ago, Nora had started exploring the relatively safe lands of Mondstat on her own. She came back with spoils of battle, her own hilichurl masks and sharpened arrowheads. Lohen did not try to stop her, he encouraged it. She had proved herself an excellent and adaptable survivor, and privately admitted to him on occasion that training dummies simply weren’t enough anymore. She needed to feel how things slashed and ripped under her polearm without causing property damage– Lohen understood. Being confined didn’t suit him at this age either, he’d rather his daughter be able to do it safely rather than trying to hide it.
When questioned on why, she responded, “I want to protect people.”
…Illuga would be proud of this one.
For a while, Lohen thought he’d never get to this moment.
The Grandmaster read from the same script the knights have been reading for decades, but the warmth and familiarity to his voice was what communicated to him, that this was an achievement. He wasn’t supposed to get here, but he did.
He had no audience he wanted, only his daughter was permitted by him to watch the ceremony. Accordingly, Varka allowed the rules to bend a little– Eleanora would be the one christening him with his new badge.
She walked up to him, gait short and quiet in the open marble halls. Sixteen now, a small but dedicated knight. Her long braided hair swished behind her, bleeding red at the tip but otherwise entirely the same as Lohen’s. She personally modified her knight’s outfit for mobility, cloth dyed in various hues of cool grey, accented in red and blue. The lone earring dangling from her left lobe, a gift from when she passed the knighting exam– A sharpened arrowhead.
Carefully, Eleanora is the one who unclips his old cape. She brings forth his new one, similar in color and silhouette, but longer, more layered, beautiful flowing silk and silver details of snowflakes and arrows. Draping it on, it almost feels too big for him, but he reminds himself that this was always supposed to happen. As a child, he just thought he had more growing to do.
Standing up to look himself in the reflection of glass, he looks so different from the boy he used to be, yet similar all the same. The larger cape with more defined shoulder caps does a lot to hide his still lithe frame, even over a decade since giving birth he doesn’t always feel like he’s been quite the same since, despite all the training and work he’s put in. Or maybe having his stomach cut open only revealed how weak he always was in the first place. He’d gotten no taller, no more muscular, but he had wrinkles on the corners of his eyes that are sharper than he remembers. The perpetual flush and roundness to his cheeks have lessened, making him look sadder, almost. But it’s not all that different, all in all. The bigger changes are more so on the inside, he supposes.
“Captain Lohen,” his daughter calls out to him. She’s the first person to address him by his new title.
She salutes him with a serious look on her face. Lohen smiles, he can’t help but remember how this girl used to play pretend knights with him as a younger child.
“Knight Eleanora,” he salutes back.
Varka’s older, now senile but familiarly warm and booming voice rings– “Captain Lohen of the 5th Company, the Benevolent Knight– Wear your new rank with pride. It’s been earned.”
And then he laughs, like a fond memory. “And I suppose I’ve earned my retirement, too.”
The information does not come as a surprise to Lohen. He’s suspected for a while now, Varka only held back his own retirement because he wanted to be the one who personally oversaw Lohen’s promotion. Sentimental fool, he smiles.
Privately, Nora signals his attention with a little tilt of her head. She whispers to him under her breath, where their Grandmaster cannot hear.
“...I’m proud of you, dad.”
She is more aware than anyone else, Lohen was on track to get the promotion long before she was born.
Regardless, he has no regrets. His little light, Eleanora, has matured into a graceful young girl, almost full grown now. He can think of a person no better to stand by him.
“You know,” he starts casually. “There’s a vacancy for the spot of 5th Company’s Vice Captain…”
She smiles deviously at him.
“Already applied. See you on the battlefield, Captain.”
“...Captain.”
His ears twitched from where his head was buried in his arms. No one would ever claim a work desk to be the most comfortable of napping spaces, but beggars can’t be choosers when you’re just trying to slack off.
“Captain Lohen, it is very inappropriate of you to be sleeping on the job! There’s plenty on the agenda today, we need to get to work!”
Still, he ignored the nagging voice. Honestly, he could count on one hand all the people he knew who actually took mundane daily work chores seriously, and she just had to become one of them?
Lohen heard her take in a deep breath, probably to sigh in defeat– He very subtly smirked that his act had been successful, poor Captain Lohen was just too tired to do any work today, so he should be left alone to his nap–
An extremely loud voice shouted right into his ear, “DAAAAAAAD!”
He sprung up immediately with a jolt, “What the FUCK Nora?! I didn’t fucking teach you that!”
She let out a content humph, grinning mischeviously in obvious self-satisfaction as she clicked her pen, holding her clipboard.
“Well, you taught me to use whatever means necessary to achieve my end result.”
“...Yea, I did do that,” Lohen grumbled irritably yet proud.
Nora patted her dad on the shoulder in sarcastic compassion, before walking to the door exiting his office totally just expecting that he’ll follow. Lohen swears he was never this disrespectful when he was the vice captain… actually, scratch that. He totally was.
He rolled his shoulders to stretch, fixing his caplet before standing to follow his daughter out the door.
“What’s so important on the agenda that you wake up your own Captain, huh?”
“You shouldn’t be sleeping on the job anyways,” she chided lightly. “We have to go pick up a new test batch of ammo from Mr. Albedo, and ideally test them out too, before your meeting…”
“Meeting?” He said, puzzled. “I didn’t know I had a meeting today.”
“Err, Grandmaster Jean says it was kind of a last minute decision to include all of the Ordo’s captains in it… Anyways, guess what? This is the important thing I woke you up for! Besides slacking on the job, of course…” Nora’s innocent eyes bore into him, brimming with pure excitement and curiosity as she chattered, “A super important visitor from afar is coming to discuss diplomacy with the Knights of Favonius, allegedly. Hold on, I don’t remember how to pronounce it, I just know he’s basically the figurehead of a large military organization…”
She flipped pages on her clipboard, landing on the one she was looking for and squinting at the foreign text.
“The… Star-shy-na?”