Chapter Text
If he heard the name Baekjin one more fucking time, Gotak was going to lose his fucking shit.
He was at high risk of saying something that hurt Baku’s feelings, meaning he was also at high risk of ruining their healthy and strong friendship by revealing he was in love with Baku.
And if he revealed that, he would have to then ask him why he wasn’t enough. Why Baekjin was so much more important. A real 'give a mouse a cookie' level of catastrophic events.
He wasn’t really going to do any of that.
Technically, Baku had no idea Gotak was in love with him. He thought everything was normal between them. He wasn’t paying enough attention to Gotak, or anyone, to notice.
Because all he talked and thought about was Na fucking Baekjin.
After they beat the union, Gotak assumed Baekjin would never be brought up again. He figured Baku wouldn’t want to talk about the guy.
Baekjin’s the one who ruined Gotak’s life, after all.
He had a lot of anger towards him, but Gotak wasn’t heartless. He’d grown up with a loving mother and older sister, while Baekjin had grown up in an orphanage and then groomed into a life of crime.
Baekjin wasn’t the most stable person in the world, and Gotak knew he should hate him but he couldn’t bring himself to. He knew how much Baekjin meant to Baku. how badly he wanted to reconcile with his old friend:
" I think he kind of saw the light, you know?"
" He was crying. I haven’t seen him cry since we were ten years old. That has to mean something,"
" Should I go look for him? He hasn’t been texting me back,"
At that, Gotak’s head snapped up, “ You’ve been texting him?” He was trying to be calm, with every fiber of his being. But this was bullshit.
Baku looked guilty, “ Just once,”
“ Why?” Gotak asked, failing to hide his disdain.
Baku scratched the back of his head, “ I…uh. I don’t know. The more I think about it, I have to mend that bridge, Gogo,”
His tone is what made Gotak snap. He said it like he was seeing the light. Like this would make him, what? Happy? Was he not happy now? And mend the bridge?
Fuck off.
“ Why the fuck did we fight him, then?” Gotak snapped, “ If you’re just going to run right back,” he stood up and grabbed his backpack, swinging it angrily over his shoulder, all while Baku stared in confusion, mouth open, eyes dumb.
“ I’m not–,”
“ what would you call it, Humin?”
“ Hyuntak, what’s wrong?” Sieun and Juntae came up behind Gotak, holding their lunch trays.
“ Nothing,” Gotak mumbled, embarrassed for his outburst now that other people were around to ground him. He needed to chill. Take some breaths. In for five, hold for five, out for five…that’s what Juntae told him to do in times like this.
“ Are you okay, Tak-ah?” Juntae put his hand on Gotak’s shoulder, “ Why’re you yelling?”
Gotak shook his head, “ Sorry. It’s nothing,” he sat back down and shot Baku an apologetic smile.
Baku smiled back and it was instantly forgiven. Why did Baku have to be so fucking great? And cute. And funny. And lovable.
Gotak could go on and on. Maybe that’s why all the Baekjin talk was pissing him off. It always had before, but it was unavoidable back then. Baekjin was unavoidable.
Now he was super avoidable. Baekjin was avoiding them.
Was that not all they wanted?
All Baku wanted for the past few months?
Baku didn’t bring Baekjin up again for the remainder of lunch. Gotak wasn’t surprised. Baku didn’t talk to anyone else about Baekjin. Sure, Baku was close to the others, but he told Gotak things he wouldn’t tell anyone.
That meant he couldn’t flip out every time Baku opened up to him. He knew how hard it was for his best friend. He didn’t have to vocalize it, Gotak could read it on his face and hear it in his tone.
He could read that kid like a fucking book. He recognized Park Humin more than his own reflection.
But Baku could be kind of oblivious to Gotak’s mannerisms. Just as he had no idea how upset Gotak got when he brought up Baekjin.
The rest of the day went by uneventfully, and Gotak was grateful. They hadn’t had a peaceful week in months. It was nice to have no bruises on his body, or a black eye. He was getting used to them.
But as they were walking out of the school, and down the hill, Baku dropped the ultimate bomb on them, “ I’m going to see Baekjin,” he looked at Gotak, as if waiting for permission.
“
Just break my other fucking knee,” He regretted the response instantly, but he couldn’t laugh it off. It was clear he was angry.
It was an accumulation of all the fury ned been holding in since lunch.
Yeah, only since lunch, he was an angry person, okay?
The other guys stopped walking, “ Hyuntak,” Sieun said sternly.
Gotak just rolled his eyes, “ Don’t look at me like that, Sieun,” he was already embarrassed, might as well alienate Sieun.
Sieun raised his eyebrows, “ Like what?”
“ Like I’m an asshole,” he replied, exasperated.
Actually, all three of them were looking at Hyuntak like he was an asshole.
Baku’s face had gone completely void of color, and were tears in his eyes.
Gotak felt his heart fall out through his ass.
He made Humin cry, he deserved the electric chair, “ I didn’t mean that,” he sighed, “ I’m sorry, that was too much,” he looked to the other boys as well, “ Sieun-ah, I’m sorry,”
Sieun simply shrugged, already over it.
Baku did not go back to normal, “ Gogo…I’m sorry,” he turned towards his best friend so he could address him directly, “ I’ll cancel if you want me to, you know I will. If you don’t want me to, I won’t ever speak to him again,”
“ That’s the fucking thing, Humin,” he said looking down in shame, “ I want you to not speak to him because you don’t want to. Not cause I told you not to,” god, it sounded so much worse outloud.
So immature and pathetic.
It took Baku a second to digest that oddly worded sentence, and Gotak understood.
He really had no idea what he was saying, and why he was saying it now in front of everyone.
But he couldn’t stop, “ So go,” he said, “ I don’t fucking care, Baku. I really don’t,” his anger was proving he really did care.
They didn’t really fight like this, but they had arguments in the past. Things got pretty rough when Baekjin first broke Hyuntak’s knee, and it was tense a few months earlier when Baku was working for the union and ignoring them.
And selfishly, He wanted Baku to realize he didn’t need Baekjin in his life. Gotak was enough, more than enough. Not second to Baekjin, like he’d felt he was since they met.
So Gotak stormed off, feeling like a jackass. But Baku didn’t stop him. He wasn’t even sure he wanted him to.
He was probably still going to see Baekjin. Maybe Gotak should’ve told him not to go. Baku would listen to him.
But that wasn’t fair. It was Baku’s decision.
Gotak's decision was to get drunk.
He would turn nineteen by the end of the year, so he was able to buy alcohol.
It was so fucking cliche, though. Getting drunk out of heartbreak.
Christ, even the word heartbreak made him sick.
The drinking was supposed to calm him down, but instead it was making his thoughts race.
Was he being unfair? No, Baekjin broke his fucking knee and changed the trajectory of his life, it didn’t seem crazy for him to be upset.
But Baku would ditch Baekjin if Gotak asked…right?
And wasn’t that enough? He shouldn’t want his friend to lose either one of them.
Baku was happiest when they were both around, and he wanted nothing more than for Baku to be happy. and Gotak had been very supportive of him mending his friendship with Baekjin in the past. But that was when Baku still hated Baekjin. He didn’t expect him to actually fix things.
He left the corner store not far from his house, a bag of soju bottles in hand. He decided to wander to a nearby park and sit on the swings. It was freezing out, so the park was empty and depressing.
It was that time of January where everything was super ugly and barren. Gotak felt it matched his emotions well.
He drank straight from the bottle, hoping no one would walk by. It didn’t matter, the streets were empty. It was eerily quiet.
Ugh. Fucking Baku.
He got that “do you remember, the 21st of September?” Song stuck in everyone’s heads.
The kid was obsessed with it, yet he still didn’t know the second line and would just sing “da” in place of the words like a dumbass.
Hyuntak giggled to himself at the thought.
Loving someone fucking sucks.
He was having a relatively nice time, though, all things considered. He mumbled the Earth, Wind, and Fire song—what he knew of it—for about an hour.
That made him wonder aloud why they only used three of the four elements, especially when water was arguably the best one.
God, he was wasted. Like dangerously drunk. He had not kept track of his drinks and soju is sweet. It goes down so easily. After the first bottle, it tastes like juice.
He felt like he was swinging, but he knew he wasn’t swinging.
Should he be swinging?
Why hadn't he been swinging, it’s a fucking swing set.
And why the fuck wasn’t it earth wind Fire and Water, god damn it?
“ Wow, did you finally hit rock bottom?” a familiar voice said from behind him. He was drunk, so it took him a second to place the voice, but then he did and he groaned.
“ Go away,”
Keum Seongjie sat down in the swing to Gotak’s left, “ You don’t own the park,” he smirked, lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke in Hyuntak’s face.
“ Can I have one?” Gotak asked, even though he hated cigarettes and had never taken a single puff. He was an athlete, his lungs were important.
But right now, he really wanted a cigarette, because all of that seemed very stupid now. Was he going to be the next Kobe? LeBron? Michael Jordan?
No he fucking wasn’t, so why not smoke a cigarette and say fuck the basketball team, " Fuck the basketball team," he said to Seongje, as if he asked or had any idea what Gotak was talking about.
" I agree, fuck 'em," Seongje looked entertained, " This really is a cry for help, huh?”
“ Can I have one or not?” he snapped, too drunk for Seongje’s bullshit.
Seongje smirked and lit another cigarette in record time, then he handed it to Gotak, “ Don’t get addicted,”
“ You don’t get addicted,” he childishly said back, accepting the cigarette. His mother would smack the shit out of him if she saw him.
He never smoked, not vapes either, so Gotak coughed his ass off. He hacked up a lung but was stubborn, so he kept smoking despite that. And it got easier as he went on.
Seongje shook his head in amusement, eyes studying Gotak, who was genuinely minutes from falling asleep on the swing.
“ Jesus…how drunk are you?”
Gotak shrugged, “ Yeah,”
“ Weird response.”
Gotak couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing at that, and Seongje stared at him looking surprised and a bit confused, “ I hate that you’re funny, fuck you,” Gotak sighed once he stopped laughing.
He shoved Seongje by the shoulder playfully, “ Why’re you here, anyway? Shouldn’t you be with Baekjin?”
“ No idea where he is. Plus, the union’s kind of done. That was the whole point of the fucking fight, no?”
“ You weren’t even at the fight,”
“ Aw, you noticed? Did you miss me?”
“ I wanted to hit you,” he replied with a giggle, “ But we can fight when I’m sober,”
Seongje snorted, “ It’s a date,”
Gotak just chuckled again, resting his head against one of the cold chains that held up the swing.
Things were quiet for a moment, “ That jacket is ugly,” Gotak broke the silence.
Seongje laughed in slight disbelief, “ It’s my favorite,”
“ That color doesn’t exist.” it was so fucking orange. It fit him well, though. He had a good body.
Just an observation. Nothing more.
" It exists, I'm wearing it,"
" Is it your favorite color?" Hyuntak asked, wanting to continue the useless conversation. He was a chatty drunk, it seemed.
" Maybe red?"
" What, are you five years old?"
“ What is wrong with red? Your boyfriend loves it,”
Ignoring that comment, “ it’s just an immature ass color. Like, oh! Look! A red fire truck! Can I hold the hose?”
Seongje blinked at him, and then he laughed. It wasn’t sarcastic or rude. His features were softer than they’d ever been. Pretty, even. His nose scrunched up. That was kind of cute.
This laugh was more chilling than his usual breathy one. Because it sounded genuine, “wanna hold my h–?”
“ Hold your hose? No,” He said before Seongje could finish, “ Your humor is predictable,”
“ Then why’re you laughing?”
“ It’s at you, not with you,”
“ Can I guess your favorite color?” Seongje asked with a knowing smile. He motioned to Gotak’s blue hoodie, “ Is blue more mature?”
“ Not really,” Gotak admitted, “ Blue is kind of like, oh the ocean, oh cool sharks!”
“ Sharks are cool, though,”
“ Didn’t say they weren’t,” he replied easily. Too easily. It shouldn’t be easy talking to Keum Seongje.
Gotak didn’t remember much after that, and the cigarette made him sick, so he threw up in front of Seongje like a lightweight. He was mortified, even with the alcohol flooding his bloodstream.
He made fun of Hyuntak for a solid five minutes, but it wasn’t malicious. And so, with the help of someone he used to want dead, Hyuntak was laughing more than he had in a while.