Chapter Text
“Wouldn’t it be ironic if you had a pet snake?”
“What?”
“I mean everyone always seems to call you a snake so I thought I’d be ironic if you actually had a pet snake”, Noah turned on his side so he could face Ronan who was lying next to him staring at the ceiling. His actual pet, Chainsaw the Raven, was in his cage across the room most likely asleep by now.
“I don’t know, I guess”, Ronan replied with a untroubled shrug.
During the small hours the only light in the room was coming through the window. It would’ve been strange to turn on the light in the middle of the night especially if they were both just trying to fall asleep again. Ronan had been asleep by nine last night, but somehow woke up around 11.30pm more awake than ever. Midnight was when Noah showed up. It was their secret thing they never spoke about. When Noah sensed that Ronan was awake he would show up behind his door and ask if he wanted company. Often he agreed, other times he didn’t.
Talking for hours was a huge part of it. Ronan didn’t know why, how or when exactly he realized he was comfortable sharing his deep dark secrets with Noah, but in the end it didn’t bother him that much. Not once had Noah said anything to anyone about their secret midnight therapy sessions, even Gansey was clueless about what went on in his bedroom almost every night. Ronan would never admit it, but he was glad he had someone to talk to. Everything he held inside, secrets and random thoughts, would have to come out eventually or they’d end up hurting him.
Noah was also a great listener. Ronan would occasionally look across to see his reaction to something he had said and he’d be greeted with familiar big eyes and wide, loving smile. Sometimes Ronan wondered if he felt something more personal towards Noah, but eventually he realized what he felt for Noah was something that could not be explained or labeled. Noah wasn’t his best friend or his true love or his bro, Noah was his Noah.
“Ronan”, Noah whispered. All of their nightly conversation happened whispering. Partly because they didn’t want to wake up Gansey from his usual thin sleep, partly because they didn’t want to yell their secrets for the whole world to know. There was something very private about a whisper that was swallowed in by the dark.
“You need to tell him”, Noah continued when Ronan wasn’t replying. He knew he’d get a reaction out of him eventually so he kept pushing. “You need to tell Adam how you feel”
Ronan was out of the bed with few swift moves. He was sitting at the edge of the bed rubbing his head a few times. This was clearly a conversation he didn’t feel like having.
“No”, he answered firmly. His tone was sharp like he knew he wanted this conversation to end before it even begun. Noah knew what that tone meant. He knew it meant that Ronan couldn’t stop thinking about Adam. Few months ago he could still live with his crush but now his crush was crushing him.
“Ronan”, Noah started again. He was now sitting too, right behind Ronan who had his head buried in his hands. Noah reached out to touch his shoulder but he shrugged it off immediately.
“No, this isn’t even - Just no, Noah”, Ronan stood up quickly and Noah withdrew his hand without second guessing it.
“Why not?” Noah asked, but got no answer. They weren’t whispering anymore, but they weren’t yelling either. Ronan was pacing in front of Noah who just wished he could help. He loathed to see Ronan like this, he deserved so much better.
Noah didn’t ask the question again but instead he waited for Ronan to stop nervous huffing and pacing around. Eventually Ronan sat down on the floor back against the bed, facing the window that was currently the only source of light. Slowly Noah slid off of the bed to sit next to him. Ronan had his head between his knees and hands tightly wrapped around his legs as if they were going to fall off if he’d let go.
“I’m not going to be around forever”, Noah’s voice was nothing but a silent whisper now.
“Don’t say that”, Ronan demanded whispering with the same sharp tone he’d used earlier. Noah swallowed hard before continuing.
“I’m here now and as long as I am here you can talk to me, but what happens when I’m not here?” Noah asked. His gaze was locked on Ronan even when he was hiding his face from him.
“You can’t keep secrets forever, you know that. Life’s too short to be afraid of love”
“I’m not afraid of anything”
“I’ve never heard you lie before”
The boy next to Noah turned his head so he could now look into Noah’s somewhat sad and worried eyes. He looked surprisingly warm for a dead person in Ronan’s opinion. Ronan knew there was no use to fight with him, Noah seemed to know him better than he knew himself - what would he do when he is gone?
“Adam”, Ronan started but couldn’t finish when looking at Noah. He turned his gaze away and continued “Adam deserves better than me”
Ronan couldn’t see it, but Noah was shaking his head first softly and then even more viciously than before. Before he could protest Ronan opened his mouth again.
“I’m a fuck up, you know? His whole life has been fucked up, he doesn’t need more fuck ups in his life”, Ronan went on, hurting Noah’s heart more and more after every word.
“Stop”, Noah’s voice didn’t carry out loud enough and maybe Ronan didn’t hear it or he chose to ignore it so he went on.
“He deserves -” Ronan started and Noah couldn’t take it anymore.
“What about what you deserve, huh?” his voice was loudest it had been during this conversation and that caught Ronan totally off guard. His gaze jumped right back on Noah who still looked caring even when he was visibly frustrated with Ronan and the way he thought and spoke about himself.
“It’s time to think about what you deserve and want”, Noah’s voice was instantly softer than it was earlier. He couldn’t sound angry for longer than two seconds, that was a known fact.
“And don’t you dare to tell me that you don’t deserve someone as good as Adam, because you do. You deserve to be loved and cared for and you deserve to love and care for someone”, Noah knew from the look in Ronan’s eyes that his words started to slowly come through. He wasn’t expecting Ronan to go up to Adam tomorrow and tell him everything he feels, but he knew this was going to change things - or then he was just so hopeful it made him blind.
There was a long pause before either of them spoke again and Noah couldn’t help but feel like there was something Ronan wanted to say. He didn’t seem as tense and closed up as he did before, he seemed hesitant. Noah didn’t push it though, he sat there in silence and waited for him to be ready to say whatever it is that he wanted to say.
“You think he could love me?” Ronan asked so softly Noah felt like he would get chills. There was something very heartwarming about soft Ronan that Noah couldn’t quite point out.
“He’d be dumb if he couldn’t”, he answered with equal softness.
“Adam’s not dumb”, Ronan was quick to defend him and Noah couldn’t help but smile. He moved closer to Ronan and let his head rest against his shoulder and this time he didn’t shrug him off.
“Exactly”, Noah whispered making Ronan smile.
They sat there just like that in a comfortable silence for a while processing the conversation they had. Eventually Ronan leaned against Noah’s head even if his soft hair was tickling his cheek. Noah felt like he could fall asleep right there.
“What if we kiss?” Ronan asked all of a sudden with a voice so quiet it took Noah a little while to understand what he had said.
“What about it?” Noah was confused. He thought kissing was one of the many things Ronan wanted to do with Adam. That’s how Noah experienced love at least, maybe Ronan’s outlook was different. He was ready to say that it was ok to not want to kiss Adam, but Ronan was quicker.
“I’ve never kissed anyone before, what if- Never mind, it’s stupid”, he didn’t finish but Noah knew what he meant to say. He was worried about his kissing skills just like everyone else planning on kissing someone for the first time - at least on Noah’s experience.
“Well Adam hasn’t kissed anyone before either”, he pointed out lifting his head off of Ronan’s shoulder so he could look at him but Ronan didn’t look back. He was playing with the fabric of his pants and kept anxiously glancing at Noah’s way.
“I could kiss you if you’d like”, the words came out of Noah’s mouth before he could process the thought. He didn’t regret it and he’d still be willing to do it if Ronan wanted to but he didn’t have the time to consider if it would freak Ronan out. Gladly it didn’t seem like it did. The second youngest Lynch looked into Noah’s eyes and played with the thought for a while before nodding. When Noah didn’t understand to take action he nodded again, more firmly.
“I would very much like that”, he whispered.
At first Ronan felt cold, but that was quickly washed off by unexplainable warmth and then he was cold again. The first kiss was a soft peck that left Ronan wondering. Noah gave him a few moments to gather his thoughts and tell him to stop if that’s what he wanted, but when Ronan said nothing Noah pressed his lips against Ronan’s again. This time the kiss lasted a while longer and Ronan gave a shot at kissing Noah back. The third kiss was initiated by Ronan for Noah’s surprise and it one lasted the longest.
Noah lost track of reality fast, but he did notice when they put their tongues to use as well as their hands. Ronan’s hand moved fast from Noah’s cheek into his white hair whereas Noah’s grip on Ronan’s neck tightened. Every once in awhile they would stop to catch their breaths but neither of the two backed off.
The moment was finally broken by Ronan who out of nowhere started laughing. Noah didn’t know why Ronan was laughing, but it automatically made him smile. Ronan backed off a little bit, gave Noah’s hair a soft tug before letting him go. He leaned back against the bed and closed his eyes with a wide smile spread across his face and Noah couldn’t stop staring.
“I can’t believe I’ve never done that before”, Ronan gave a small laugh and shook his head in disbelief. He thought boys were amazing, but kissing boys was at least a hundred times better.
“I can’t believe we’ve never done that before”, Ronan opened his eyes and turned to look at Noah who gave him a little smile. It was true, they’d done a lot of things together but this was definitely at the top of the list even if it meant nothing. A great kiss was always a great kiss and still at the end of the day Noah loved Ronan and Ronan loved Noah no matter what.
“I’m pretty sure you have nothing to worry about if you repeat that with Adam”, Noah smirked at Ronan who’s proud smile just got even wider. His first kiss was a success just like Noah had predicted and also gladly experienced.
“I could use some more practice in my opinion”, Ronan grinned and Noah elbowed him softly. They both laughed quietly so they wouldn’t wake up Gansey who was still sleeping by some miracle.
The night was still young, but the both of them agreed sleep was what they desired. Noah didn’t have to ask if he could stay with Ronan because it was what they always did after sharing deep secrets and random thoughts. It wasn’t awkward or alien, it was familiar. It was home.
Noah curled up next to Ronan who wrapped his hand around Noah, sighed satisfied and let himself fall asleep. Noah would always stay up to see Ronan fall asleep and only after that he was comfortable enough to fall asleep himself. He was always gone when Ronan woke up in the early hours of the day and none of the events of the night would be spoken about during the day time.