Archive of Our Own

July 2002

The first thing Jisung saw when she opened her eyes was the expensive light fixture on the ceiling- light from the sun slipping in through the gap in the blinds and refracting through the crystal across the opposite wall.

Even though it was the eighth day she'd woken up in a queen sized bed with 900 thread count sheets (or whatever the real number was- Jisung didn't really know how thread counts worked), it was still a mild shock to her system to realize that this wasn't her room at the sorority house or her childhood bedroom in the small split level home she'd grown up in.

Footsteps in the hall followed by the slow twist of the doorknob were all that preceded the excited exclamation that pushed another layer of sleep away from her drowsy consciousness.

“You're awake!” Felix trilled from the doorway, still dressed in the lavender polka dot printed camisole she wore to bed and the little matching silk shorts with lace trim that might as well have been underwear.

Though they'd been roommates for a full year in the sorority house, Jisung still couldn't wrap her head around all of Felix's matching pajamas and loungewear sets. She was lucky if whatever sleep shirt she pulled on didn't have a hole in the armpit.

Before Jisung could reply in the affirmative, Felix launched herself across the floor and onto the bed, immediately wriggling her way under the blanket to press her cold toes to Jisung’s ankles.

“Felix!” she yelped, trying to squirm away, but her efforts were futile. Felix already had her torso half draped across Jisung’s chest and her arms wrapped around her waist. Even if she wasn't groggily trying to remember how her limbs worked, she didn't think she would have stood much of a chance throwing Felix off when she was this determined to cuddle.

Her own body heat soon had Felix's toes warming up, and once Felix shifted to put more of her weight on the mattress so her pelvis wasn't digging into Jisung's belly, Jisung found herself starting to drift off again.

“Warm,” Felix murmured into her neck, breath puffing against her skin and nose pressed against her jaw.

“Mmm,” Jisung hummed, sleep beginning to weigh on her mind like a thick blanket. Or a Felix shaped body pillow.

“No, don't sleep,” Felix complained, arms squeezed around Jisung's middle. “We have to make the most of girls’ time before the boys get here tomorrow.”

Changbin, Felix's boyfriend as of their last week of sophomore year, and Seungmin, his best friend, were driving up to stay at Felix's family's mansion for a week during summer vacation.

Jisung was staying there for a whole month.

Felix had actually invited her for the entirety of the summer, but Jisung had turned that down in favor of a slightly shorter duration. It wasn't that she didn't want to live in the biggest house she'd ever been inside with a live-in maid to do all her laundry and clean up after her. And being able to spend an entire summer with her best friend and favorite person on earth was extremely tempting. But she knew her parents would miss her if she didn't come home at all.

Jisung whined as Felix poked her in the leg with her toes, trying to rouse her from the doze she'd fallen into with Felix's warmth pressed against her side.

“Too cozy,” she complained, keeping her eyes shut tight to try and cling to the sleep her body wanted to slip into.

“It's not as cozy as you think it is,” Felix threatened, and before Jisung could ask what the hell that meant, there was the feeling of something warm and wet against her neck and-

“Did you just lick me?” Jisung screeched, flailing as Felix cackled with her limbs still wrapped around Jisung's body.

“Time to rise and shine!” she announced, pulling away and climbing out of the bed only to drag Jisung with her.

Jisung grumbled but dutifully followed when Felix led the way down to the enormous kitchen for breakfast.

If she was lucky (and she really committed to the watery doe eyes), Felix might agree to make her pancakes.

---

“I love this song!” Felix exclaimed, reaching over to spin the volume dial on the dash so the opening beats of the pop song exploded from the speakers.

Part of Jisung worried that the neighbors in their big houses with their perfect lawns would be angry at them for disturbing their peace, but it was hard to feel anything other exhilaration as they sped along the road with the top down on the Mercedes Benz that Felix's parents had gifted her for her sixteenth birthday.

Jisung didn't have her license yet, but she knew that wasn't the reason she didn't have her own car. Almost none of her friends from high school had their own cars except one who had worked two summer jobs in order to afford an ancient Nissan that was twenty years old and smelled of cigarettes.

If she hadn't been so terrified of driving a piece of heavy machinery that could kill someone if she made one mistake, she knew she'd have been borrowing her mom's old car for trips to the movie theater on the weekend with her friends.

At college, it didn't matter so much that she couldn't drive since many of the students didn't have cars on campus. It was pretty normal to rely on the friends who did, so Jisung didn't feel too much like a passenger princess among her peers. Not that Felix would have ever made her feel that way regardless. Felix was generous to a fault, as evidenced by her eager invitation for Jisung to spend the summer with her. She'd have probably offered Jisung her dad's spare Lexus if Jisung was able to drive it and if it had been hers to give away.

When they'd first met during rush week, Jisung had been intimidated as hell, despite Felix's big smile and friendly demeanor. First of all, she was absolutely stunning with her big eyes, full lips, and charming smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose and cheeks. Secondly, it was very clear that she came from money. Her clothes were impeccable, and Jisung was no expert, but her delicate rose gold jewelry didn't have the cheap look of the costume jewelry she bought at the mall. Everything about her seemed put together and expensive in a way that Jisung didn't think she could ever be. But when they'd found themselves pledging to the same sorority, Felix had happily glued herself to Jisung's side for reasons Jisung still couldn't fully comprehend, and the rest was history.

When they'd been able to move into the sorority house sophomore year, there was no question who they were going to room with because of course they were going to choose each other.

“We're basically twins,” Felix had said to her when she found out their birthdays were only one day apart. “It's meant to be! We were destined to meet and become best friends!”

Jisung, up until then, hadn't really believed in destiny, but with Felix's small hands grasping hers, she couldn't think of any reason not to believe.

Maybe they really were meant to be friends.

Jisung had never had a best friend before, after all.

Friends, yes. She'd had a small group of girls she'd hung out with in high school whom she knew from her honors and AP classes. They wandered around the mall on the weekends and studied for their final exams together. Sometimes they had sleepovers at each other's houses where they'd stay up way too late watching stupid movies and drinking way too much soda. Still, Jisung wouldn't have considered any of them a best friend, and she knew the feeling was mutual.

But with Felix? That was something different entirely. She felt like she'd been waiting for Felix to slide seamlessly into her life and connect a circuit.

It scared her a little- feeling that much more whole with another person than when she was alone. Especially since she'd never really minded being alone. Not too much, anyway.

Jisung didn't want to think about what it would be like if Felix stepped out of her life as easily as she'd stepped into it, so she didn't.

Instead, she yelled the chorus along with her as Felix pulled onto the highway and the sun crept out from behind the clouds to beat down onto their skin. Jisung tilted her head toward the door so her ponytail whipped in the wind like it would if she were flying- or falling- through the air.

With Felix, sometimes it was hard to tell which one it was. But as long as she didn't hit the ground, she didn't care.

---

“Thank you,” Felix said to the waitress who delivered their milkshakes to the table- smile twinkling enough that Jisung's lack of eye contact and much softer thank you probably went unnoticed.

They'd pulled off the highway when they spotted a 1950's style diner with a rotating sign and a red and white awning. It wasn't quite late enough for dinner, but it was always time for milkshakes. Felix had said as much when they'd been reading through the laminated menu from their seats at a high counter facing out into the parking lot.

Now, Jisung let the heel of her sneaker bounce against the metal foot rest on the stool as she sucked the chocolate shake through her straw and tried her best not to get a brain freeze.

Outside, a seagull landed in an empty parking spot and grabbed a flattened, soggy- looking French fry in its beak.

“Seungmin is coming with Changbin, you know,” Felix offered after a quiet moment, tongue swiping over her bottom lip to catch a drop of strawberry ice cream.

“Yeah, you said,” Jisung replied, again wondering if she'd chosen the right flavor to order. Maybe strawberry would have been better. Maybe Felix would give her a sip if she pouted just right. Or even if she didn't.

“He's cute, right?” she prompted, eyebrows raised expectantly when Jisung glanced at her with her straw still in her mouth- pain just starting to bloom in her skull as her mouth filled with sweet, cold chocolate.

Jisung considered Seungmin's dark hair, just brushing the tops of his ears, and the curve of his jaw.

She blinked.

“Yeah, I guess,” she offered. He was attractive enough, but she hadn't really given it much thought before. It wasn't like with Changbin where she'd heard late night soliloquies about his biceps. Whether she wanted to or not, she knew his every attribute. Seungmin was just a guy she kind of knew.

“Changbin speaks really highly of him,” she went on, stirring her shake with her straw before drawing it out to watch the thick ice cream drip back into the tall glass. “And he's actually kind of weird even though he seems normal at first, so you'd get along with him.”

“Are you calling me weird?” Jisung challenged, though it was for show only. She knew she was and didn't mind it so much. What could she do about it anyway?

“Of course,” Felix said with a grin, dodging the wadded up straw wrapper Jisung launched at her with a laugh. “And me too. That's why we get along so well.”

That had Jisung smiling into her glass, something warm settling into her gut even as she swallowed down another cold mouthful.

“That's also why you'd like Seungmin,” Felix continued, and her tone finally felt pointed enough that Jisung raised her eyes to study Felix's face suspiciously.

She looked back at Jisung guilelessly, but she could still see the flicker of intention in Felix's eyes.

Another second of eye contact- searching on Jisung's end- and Felix huffed out a breath, tossing her blonde hair back over her shoulder.

“Okay,” she sighed, wide eyes meeting Jisung's again. “I think it would be fun to double date. But I genuinely think you and Seungmin would get along!”

There it was. Jisung had suspected it, but there was still a twist of something bitter in her stomach.

“I don't even know him,” she muttered, thumb dragging down the side of her glass to wipe away the condensation.

“You can use this week to get to know him,” Felix urged hopefully, too sincere in her request to allow for outright refusal.

Grunting, Jisung tried to figure out exactly why Felix trying to set her up with Changbin's friend made her chest feel all hollowed out.

“Then we can hang out even when I'm going on dates!” Felix badgered with an eager smile, gripping Jisung's bicep with fingers cold from her glass. “I can't just bring you along on our dates now, but if you and Seungmin tag along to double date, then it will be so much fun!”

Her chest was a mess of feelings then- dread, warmth, and something else pressing against her sternum from the inside that had her wanting to shove it all down without looking at it too closely.

“I'll…try to get to know him,” she allowed, smile teased from her lips at Felix's happy squeal and the feel of her arms wrapped around her shoulders in a quick squeeze. “But no promises!”

“Of course!” Felix assured her, sitting up straight on her vinyl stool but resting one cold hand on Jisung's thigh- exposed skin where her short denim shorts had ridden up prickling with goosebumps. “I wouldn't want you to date someone you didn't even like. But it would just be so perfect if you did! And maybe he could be the one to finally…”

She trailed off, brows raised and silence only enhancing the meaning of her words.

Jisung felt herself flush and quickly took a sip of her shake to try to counteract the heat in her face.

Felix knew she was a virgin. She was Jisung's best friend. She knew everything, including about that upper classman she'd flirted with as a freshman who strung her along with compliments, phonecalls, and a strong arm wrapped around her waist at parties. She knew that Jisung had been eagerly planning her first time with him in her head, and also how he'd dropped her faster than Jisung could even blink.

It wasn't like Jisung was in a rush to lose her virginity exactly. She just hated knowing that so many of her friends had already experienced something that just hadn't happened for her yet. Knowing Felix had had these experiences that she couldn't even relate to left a sour taste on her tongue and an urgency in her belly that she didn't like the feeling of.

“We'll see,” Jisung offered, cheeks burning and stomach in uncomfortably complex knots. She couldn't really picture having sex with Seungmin, mostly because he wasn't someone she was interested in. He was just some guy she knew. But that was how everything started, wasn't it? Before falling madly in love, the person you fall for is just another person in the world, until they're not.

She still wasn't holding her breath, and she hoped Felix wasn't either, but she supposed she could keep an open mind and see what happened.

Felix grinned at her, glitter from her lip gloss still clinging to her lips near her cupid’s bow somehow, and Jisung hastily licked the chocolate off her corner of her own lips before smiling back.

She imagined what it would be like to have Felix's rapt attention as she regaled her in detail about a date or, eventually, her first time. Felix's eyes would be glued to her- big and shining- and she'd exclaim in excitement at all the right parts just like Jisung did when Felix came home from a date and told her everything. It would feel so good to be the one with something to tell, especially if Felix was the one listening. That she could picture- the scene so clear in her mind's eye she wanted to reach out and touch it.

Jisung wanted that more than she knew what to do with.

<<<

September 2000

“Let's walk home together,” Felix suggested, wrapping both of her arms around Jisung's bicep as they shuffled toward the front hall in the sorority house during pledge week.

Felix's breath was a warm gust against Jisung's ear and smelled like rum and mangoes. She was tipsy- so was Jisung- and even though they'd just spent the night schmoozing, draining Jisung's social battery dangerously low, the chance to spend more time with Felix still sparked something eager and warm in her chest that had her nodding in agreement.

She couldn't believe how lucky she was to have been born the day before Felix. If she hadn't, who knew if Felix might have found a different pledge to attach herself to?

The weather was finally cooling off, so the breeze when they stepped outside was nice after being crammed in a room with so many people.

Felix hadn't let go of her arm.

“Are you tired?” she asked, her blonde curls brushing against Jisung's shoulder.

She was, but that paled in comparison to the glow of Felix's attention.

“Not super tired,” she hedged, at least wanting to know why Felix was asking.

“Do you want to walk down to the train tracks? I haven't been yet, but my roommate won't let me forget about them. She keeps complaining about the train whistles at night. I honestly don't even notice them.”

“Okay,” Jisung agreed, feeling more awake already with the smile Felix shot her as she turned them down a different path than the one that led to the freshman dorms. “I kind of like hearing the trains when I'm in bed. It's cozy.”

“It's like living in one of those tiny towns in a Christmas movie,” Felix giggled, nearly tripping over a crack in the pavement and having them both snickering.

When they got to the train tracks, roughly a ten minute walk from the edge of campus, they settled at the top of a hill that overlooked them.

“Yeah, I don't want to sit any closer than this,” Jisung announced, settling herself next to Felix on the grass and smoothing her skirt underneath her. “If a train goes by, I don't want to risk getting pushed in front of it by a ghost or l'appel du vide.”

Felix looked at her quizzically.

“It's French for the call of the void,” Jisung explained. “Like when you're up high and you think what if I jumped even though you don't want to.”

Jisung felt her gut sink at Felix's widened eyes. Great. Now she thought Jisung was suicidal and insane.

“I don't want to jump in front of the train!” she hastily corrected. “It's just a thing the brain does sometimes, I guess. It's like…processing the risks. Or some people theorize it's a way time gain control of a scary situation, by thinking of the most extreme action. But I definitely am not interested in getting hit by a train or jumping off a building.”

“Does that count for when you randomly think about having sex with someone that you absolutely don't want to have sex with?”

Jisung gaped, and Felix burst into laughter.

“Maybe that's just a run of the mill intrusive thought, then,” she giggled, leaning back on her hands. “I traumatized myself in world history by thinking of my really old teacher that way by accident, and then I couldn't get the thought out of my head. Like looking at a car wreck.”

Felix shivered theatrically, and Jisung couldn't hold back the laugh that was bunched up in her throat.

“No, yeah, I think that counts,” she wheezed, and Felix's grin had her forgetting all about her fear of a misstep. Somehow, Felix was on her wavelength- something she hadn't really thought was possible.

She'd spent high school biting back some of her weirder thoughts after learning the hard way that not every musing she had was going to be well received by her peers. Sometimes she let something slip and her friends would mostly good naturedly tease her for being an alien, but she hadn't ever expected anyone to meet her head on without shying away.

“We should wait and see if a train comes soon,” Felix suggested, and Jisung agreed despite the weight of the day starting to tug at her limbs. Another twenty minutes or so would be fine.

Jisung leaned back, and eventually, after a ridiculous discussion of nicknames, ended up lying back to look at the sky full of stars.

Felix shifted around, and Jisung felt the weight of her head settle in her lap. She held her breath like Felix was a cat who might take offense at the slightest twitch of movement.

“Is this okay?” she asked, left arm coming up so she could pat at Jisung's bare knee.

“Yeah, of course,” Jisung replied, hoping for a time when Felix would feel comfortable laying like this without having to ask.

None of her high school friends would have laid like this, and Jisung was suddenly so desperate to have Felix as a best friend, she could barely breathe.

“Do you have someone you like back home?” Felix asked after several beats of silence filled only by their breathing and the rustle of leaves in the breeze.

Jisung shook her head, hair catching on the grass, before she remembered that Felix couldn't see her and answering with a no.

“Me neither,” Felix replied with a hum, shifting her weight slightly to get more comfortable. “I had a boyfriend junior year, but it didn't last and I didn't date anyone after that.”

“I…didn't date anyone,” Jisung admitted after a moment, embarrassed at her inexperience but not wanting the conversation to die with her silence. “I was kind of shy in high school. I mean, I still am, I guess.”

“I don't think you missed out on much,” Felix told her softly. “High school relationships are pretty stupid anyway. And everyone's first kiss is from truth or dare or spin the bottle anyway. None of it means anything.”

It felt good not to be judged for not having dated anyone, but Jisung felt a surge of relief at at least having had her first kiss. It was during a game of spin the bottle, actually. And Felix was right- it hadn't meant anything.

“Mine was spin the bottle,” she volunteered with a snicker, glad to be on somewhat even ground despite Felix's understanding.

Felix laughed, and Jisung felt the warmth of it in her chest. “Was it someone you liked at least?”

“No, just some guy I only kind of knew,” Jisung told her. At the time, she'd been disappointed that her first kiss hadn't meant more, but now she was just happy to have something to share with Felix. “I mean, technically my first kiss was my friend. Her spin landed on me. And then I spun and landed on the guy.”

“My first kiss was with my friend too,” Felix offered, bending one knee so her skirt slid up her thigh before she fixed it so she wasn't flashing the empty field.

“Spin the bottle?” Jisung guessed. “Or truth or dare?”

“Neither,” Felix giggled, turning her head on Jisung's thigh to glance up at her face. Though extended eye contact was hard with the way Jisung had to tilt her chin into her chest. “We just wanted to know what it was like, so we kissed a few times.”

“A few times?”

Somehow that was the incredible part of the story. Anyone could kiss once and shrug it off. But a few times felt intentional. A few times was on its way to being something. At least, that's how it felt to Jisung who hadn't ever kissed the same person more than once.

“Yeah,” Felix replied easily, shoulders moving in what was probably meant to be a shrug. “What else is there to do before you can drive? You can only watch the same DVDs so many times.”

“Fair enough,” she chuckled, though she couldn't picture kissing any of her friends back home outside of a game of spin the bottle. She really didn't think they'd have been into the idea either.

“That's so funny that both of us had our first kisses with girls,” Felix mused.

Truthfully, Jisung hadn't been counting that as her first kiss. It was her friend's as well, technically, and Jisung knew that she cited the guy she kissed second as her first. So Jisung had done the same. But Felix was right. Technically.

“Yeah,” she agreed, eyes on the tiny stars in the sky above her.

She liked having this to share with Felix, she decided. And as Felix let out a contented little sigh, Jisung felt like maybe Felix liked it too.

>>>

“They're here!” Felix squealed at the sound of a car door out the front window.

She'd had to buzz open the gate onto her property, so it wasn't as though the arrival was sudden or unexpected, but Felix never let something like semantics dampen her excitement.

Jisung pushed herself off the plush oriental rug where she'd been flipping through last month's issue of Cosmo to follow Felix outside.

They'd spent the morning painting their nails and listening through the mix CD Jisung had made the day before while Felix had been napping. She'd crafted it for their afternoons by the pool when they sprawled on the lounge chairs and were too lazy to get up to change the song or the CD.

But now they wouldn't be sunbathing together with only their music tastes to consider. She didn't know what kind of music Changbin would want to listen to, let alone Seungmin. And it was ruined anyway because she wasn't about to lay out topless with the two of them hanging around.

Felix still might, Jisung figured. And not only because she was dating Changbin. She was just like that- confident in a way Jisung wished she could be and at ease with herself in a way Jisung couldn't even begin to imagine.

Even when it was just the two of them, Jisung only untied her bikini top when she was laying on her front to avoid the tan lines across her back and neck. She wasn't brave enough to let the sun kiss her naked breasts with her best friend sitting right next to her. Felix however…

Jisung felt her cheeks heating at the memory of the first time she'd turned to find Felix laying back in her chair with her sunglasses perched on the end of her freckled nose and her bikini top tossed to the side. Embarrassingly, Jisung had yelped in surprise at making eye contact with her nipples before falling right off her chair onto the sun-warmed concrete.

Felix had found it hilarious, of course- chest bouncing with her laughter so Jisung had to force her eyes away from all of that skin that she definitely felt like she shouldn't have been seeing.

From then on, she'd known to expect nudity so she could avert her eyes as necessary. But that didn't mean she was brave enough to bare herself in the same way.

“What's wrong?” Felix asked when she turned around at the front door to make sure Jisung was still behind her.

Jisung uncrossed her arms and tried to remember what her face had been doing.

“Nothing?” she tried, because that was the truth. She wasn't actually all that upset that she couldn't untie her swimsuit at the pool anymore. She didn't even care all that much about getting a tan anyway.

“You looked all pouty,” Felix told her, reaching up to pinch her cheek with a playful grin.

Jisung scowled to be dramatic and snapped her teeth at Felix's fingers when she pulled away.

Felix's laughter bolstered her as they stepped outside into the heat to meet the boys at their car.

“Felix!” Changbin called when he saw her, an easy smile pulling at his lips as his hair flopped across his forehead.

He reminded Jisung of the teen heartthrobs in the TV shows she used to watch during the Friday night lineup in high school. She understood why Felix liked him. That, and he was a nice person- friendly to everyone he met, always happy to go the extra mile for his friends. And their friends, and theirs.

It didn't completely drown out the little niggling voice in her head that wished it could be just the two of them for the whole month. But it made it quieter, at least.

Felix squealed as she ran across the burning asphalt in bare feet to jump into Changbin's arms, his impressive biceps visible even under the baggy sleeves of his t-shirt.

Not wanting to stare at her best friend while she stuck her tongue down her boyfriend's throat, Jisung found herself making eye contact with Seungmin who also seemed to be trying to keep his gaze away from the happy couple.

He was in a pair of cargo shorts and a polo shirt, sandals scraping against the driveway as she shifted awkwardly on his feet. Jisung envied his footwear as she curled her toes under so only her heels and the tips of her toes touched the hot asphalt.

“Hey, Jisung,” Seungmin greeted with a raise of his hand and an expression that looked like it could have become a smile if he put some extra effort into it.

“Hi,” she replied, already missing the solitude of her and Felix in the massive house by themselves except for the maid who had an uncanny way of making herself scarce.

With Felix's parents on some Scandinavian cruise all summer, Jisung found herself even greedier for Felix's attention despite being the nearly sole person who had it.

Or she had been, anyway.

“How was the drive?” she asked, standing on one foot and then the other to alleviate the burn.

“Not bad,” Seungmin replied, hands shoved in his pockets as he leaned his hip against the passenger side door of Changbin's Subaru. “Would have been here earlier if we didn't keep stopping for gas station snacks.”

He cut his eyes over to Changbin who still had Felix hoisted up by the thighs.

“Hey,” Changbin complained, disconnecting from Felix's mouth long enough to throw a playful scowl in Seungmin's direction. “You're the one who bought that god-awful gas station wrap.”

Seungmin shrugged, sliding the tip of his thumbnail under the nail of his ring finger to clean beneath it. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

There was another smacking sound of a kiss, and Jisung shifted to stand on her tiptoes before rocking back on her heels. No matter what she did, her feet were burning.

“How about we…?” she gestured over her shoulder, gaze expertly sliding over Felix and Changbin quickly enough that she couldn't even tell if they were still kissing before landing back on Seungmin.

“Yeah, it'd be great if I could use the bathroom, actually,” Seungmin intoned, glancing helplessly across the car at their distracted companions and then reaching into the backseat to grab a duffle bag.

Well, she'd meant everyone, but anything to get back onto the cool marble of the entryway.

Jisung beckoned for Seungmin to follow and figured the other two would come in eventually.

There was something a little satisfying about being the one to open the heavy front door and let Seungmin into the house, directing him to the bathroom and explaining which bedroom he'd be staying in. It had her feeling like she belonged here while the newcomers were just visitors who were just passing through.

Of course she was a visitor as well. And in three weeks, she'd be lugging her big rolling suitcase back out the front door and hugging Felix goodbye- counting the days until they saw each other back on campus in the fall. But it still felt good to pretend.

And for just that moment, with Seungmin and Changbin arriving at the house Jisung had been living in for almost a week with Felix, it was almost true.

Felix and Changbin made their way in shortly after so Felix could eagerly show Changbin to her bedroom where they would both be sleeping. Not for lack of guestrooms, obviously. Jisung was actually pretty sure she hadn't even seen all of them despite her habit of poking her head into unfamiliar rooms when she came across them.

No more morning cuddles with Felix launching herself on top of Jisung with the enthusiasm and grace of a creature made purely of sharp knees and elbows. But that was okay, Jisung told herself. They'd be rooming together at the sorority house once again, so it wasn't as though this summer was the only time she had Felix in her bed. Platonically! Obviously. She just couldn't help but glow in the light of Felix's attention, that was all. Surely no one could blame her. Anyone who knew Felix could surely relate.

With the boys tired from their road trip, they all ended up sprawled in the living room with some awful reality show playing on the massive TV. Propped in the corner of the couch with her red painted toenails next to Felix's bare thigh, Jisung watched the platinum blonde girl on screen announce that she was done with the curly haired boy she was miniature golfing with only for a shaggy haired surfer to immediately come take his place. She couldn't quite hear what they were saying, but she wasn't about to find the remote to turn up the volume.

Seungmin was across the room in a high-backed arm chair, flipping through the Cosmo Jisung had abandoned earlier. There was a little line between his brows, like he couldn't quite parse what he was reading, which Jisung thought was pretty fair. She also felt that way reading Cosmo. It was really more of a magazine for looking at glossy spreads of pretty women in flashy clothing than something to dedicate more than one brain cell to.

Felix and Changbin were barely watching the TV either, instead murmuring quietly to each other while testing the limits of how closely they could sit together on the couch without Felix actually sitting in his lap. Considering Jisung had over half of it to herself, she thought they might have been on their way to breaking records.

Instead of admitting she was watching the trashy show on TV avidly enough to locate the remote and turn it up, Jisung squinted at the screen like she might be able to lip read if only she narrowed her eyes just right.

“Should we go to the mall?” Felix asked, the suddenness of her question making Jisung jump.

Felix glanced over at Seungmin who had eagerly abandoned the magazine back onto the rug at his feet but her eyes landed firmly on Jisung, a question in the tilt of her brow.

Jisung had been pondering a nap, actually, but that was mostly because she figured Felix and Changbin were going to be too wrapped up in each other to pay any mind to anyone else.

Jisung nodded, and Felix's face split into a grin- sunkissed cheeks curving with the force of her smile.

“Lemme just change my shorts,” Jisung requested, hurrying upstairs to her room to exchange her worn cotton shorts for a pair of distressed denim cut-offs.

When she made it back downstairs with a coat of mascara on her lashes and coffee flavored gloss slicked over her lips, Felix had somehow already managed to change into a purple spaghetti strap sundress and twist her hair up into a messy bun that looked artfully accidental in a way Jisung could never achieve.

“I want to go to the makeup counter to get a new eye shadow palette,” she was saying to Changbin as Jisung shoved her feet into her Converse by the front door. “And I think I want a halter top to go with that peasant skirt I have. You know, the one with the stitching on the front?”

She was looking at Jisung now, and Jisung was happy to nod because she knew exactly which skirt Felix was talking about. It seemed natural that Changbin would have been looking at her blankly while Seungmin had already wandered out into the summer heat while she was talking. But it still felt good to be the one rewarded with Felix's smile.

“I don't know how much I can help with those things,” Changbin admitted, scratching the back of his neck with a self-depricating chuckle.

“That's okay,” Felix told him good-naturedly. “You and Seungmin can hang out in the food court or go to the CD store. I have Jisung for this.”

Felix hooked her arm through Jisung's as she led the way toward her convertible, and Jisung couldn't tell if it was the sun or Felix's proximity that had her feeling so warm.

---

Felix bought her eyeshadow palette. And her halter top. And a pair of wedge sandals with little woven daisies on the straps.

Changbin had tried to be a supportive boyfriend and forced Seungmin to loiter with him by the makeup counter while Felix and Jisung swatched shimmery eyeshadows on the backs of their hands until they ran out of space.

But no one was surprised when he couldn't hack it- Felix and Jisung’s fervor for shopping was the thing of legend, after all. Once, they'd somehow managed to spend nine straight hours going in and out of stores with only a short break for mall soft pretzels and chocolate chip cookies.

Of course Jisung couldn't spend money like Felix could, but it was worth the hunt for that one item that was worth the reasonably sized splurge. And there had been a couple of occasions when Felix had either gifted her something on the spot, despite her protests, or went back and surprised her with something she'd been admiring later.

That day, Jisung wasn't really planning to buy anything. She didn't need anything, for one. And her job at the library on campus didn't start again until school started, so she had a limited amount of funds to last the summer. But if something really incredible caught her eye, she told herself, she'd consider it. As a treat.

As Felix tugged her toward a lingerie store, however, Jisung knew her money was safe. What was the point of lingerie if there was no one to see it?

Felix did have someone to show off for, though. So she seemed singularly focused once they made it past the threshold and were surrounded by lace.

“I want something new to surprise Changbin with,” Felix told her, a pink flush to her cheeks that read as more thrilled than embarrassed.

Jisung, on the other hand, was embarrassed just to be standing in the store. What if people thought she was looking to buy lingerie for herself? What if they could tell she had no use for it?

“I figured,” she replied, going for easy amusement to cover how awkward she felt as she eyed the delicate burgundy silk of the bra on the rack in front of her.

“Do you need anything?”

Jisung tried and failed to swallow the self-deprecating laugh that bubbled up from her throat. “What do you think?”

Felix frowned, smacking Jisung's arm playfully before dragging her further into the store.

“You never know!” she insisted. “What if you and Seungmin hit it off? Plus, it's fun to wear pretty underwear just for yourself. It can be a little, secret pick-me-up when you have three classes back to back and you just want to stay in bed.”

Jisung was caught between wanting to remind Felix that she really shouldn't be too optimistic about the Seungmin thing and wondering how many times Felix had been wearing lingerie under her clothes when she went to class.

As always, Felix saw everything on her face, and she laughed.

“All purely hypothetical, of course,” she joked, sending Jisung a wink that confirmed it was anything but. “Just browse and see if anything jumps out at you.”

Nodding, though feeling confident that she wouldn't be tempted to buy anything, Jisung allowed her eyes to roam over the pretty sets displayed on the mannequins and hanging on the shiny silver racks.

There was leopard print, lime green lace, rose printed satin, and pink mesh. Nothing looked particularly comfortable, and Jisung imagined trying to pay attention in a lecture with a thong riding up her ass with a wince. Perhaps better in theory than in practice. At least for her. Felix, apparently, wasn't put off by discomfort that could take down a weaker person.

“Sung,” Felix said over Jisung's shoulder as she was considering a bra with so many straps that she couldn't figure out where they were all supposed to go. “Which one do you like?”

Jisung spun around to take in the two lingerie sets that Felix was holding up on either side of her.

One was a baby pink teddy with sheer cups and chiffon that would fall to just below the hip with a pair of matching pink underwear adorned with a little rosette in the center of the elastic waist.

The other was a matching bra and panty set made of teal lace with black trim and a black garterbelt with a scalloped lace edge.

Both were extremely sexy, and Jisung felt her face burn to imagine having the confidence to wear anything like either of them.

Felix may have jokingly called them twins on several occasions, but there were some fundamental ways in which they differed.

Felix was the type of girl who could walk into a lingerie store and buy the sexiest set to wear for her boyfriend without a second thought. Jisung couldn't even make eye contact with the employees.

“They're both really…” she tried, mouth feeling dry and ears burning to be having this discussion in public. Sure, no one seemed to be paying them any mind, but anyone who looked over would know that Jisung was being forced to picture Felix in swaths of sweet pink chiffon and scraps of teal lace.

If anyone looked over, they might start imagining Felix in any of the pieces she was holding. But Felix appeared entirely unconcerned as she held the pink set up to her body and stepped to the side to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

“Maybe I should just get both of them,” she mused, holding the teal set up and tilting her head in thought.

“Mmhmm,” Jisung agreed, hoping that they would be able to leave quickly once Felix chose what she wanted to buy. “Both look good.”

“What are you gonna get?” Felix asked as she draped both sets over her arm decisively.

Jisung looked down at her empty hands like something had made their way into her grip without her noticing.

She shrugged. “Nothing.”

“Come on,” Felix cajoled, reaching out with her free hand to grip Jisung's wrist. “That's no fun! I'll help you pick something. My treat.”

“You really don't have to-”

“I insist!” Felix sang, unwilling to hear Jisung's arguments that cute underwear would be wasted on her.

Obliging, Jisung followed her from rack to rack as Felix reached out to touch each different material with a hum or comment of admiration.

“Oh my god- this,” Felix exclaimed when Jisung was distracted re-hanging a bra that had fallen off its hanger.

She looked at what Felix was holding and felt herself flush immediately at the idea of wearing it.

“Sung, it's perfect for you,” Felix gushed, wiggling the hanger so the bra trembled in the air.

It was made from a soft-looking magenta mesh with underwire to hold the shape of the sheer cup and ruffles made of the same material running along the top edges and the straps. The matching underwear was low-waisted and equally sheer with a ruched seam running up the center of the back.

Jisung had never worn anything like it. Why would she? Who was going to see it? But even the thought of wearing it alone in her room had her face feeling hot.

“You'll look so hot in it,” Felix insisted, perhaps mistaking Jisung's embarrassment for insecurity.

Sure the idea of anyone seeing her in scraps of sheer fabric had her feeling insecure, but not because she thought she wouldn't look good. Frankly, she hadn't even considered that yet- she was still stuck on the idea of wearing something so sexy at all.

“This color looks so good on you!” Felix went on, holding the set up against Jisung's body so it rested against her white tank top and jean shorts. “You know that sweater you have? But even tan, it still suits you.”

Jisung swallowed, unsure how to respond to her best friend telling her how good she would look in a tiny lingerie set. Felix must have been picturing it, right? If she was that confident? Jisung felt her stomach flip at the realization, and she knew she had to say something that would make Felix stop looking at her like that before she melted into an embarrassed puddle in the middle of the store.

“You don't have to-”

“I'm buying it for you,” Felix said decisively with a satisfied grin and a wink over her shoulder as she turned toward the register.

Jisung didn't want Felix to have to pay for her, but at least she wasn't burning under her unrelenting gaze anymore.

“You can wear it for Seungmin or yourself or whoever,” she went on as they got in line, blonde hair falling in front of her face while she dug in her little blue purse for her credit card. “But you just have to think of me when you wear it.”

The sales assistant called them up to the register then, so Jisung could barely even parse what Felix had said as she'd tossed her a mischievous smile before stepping forward. But as the meaning sunk in and Jisung shuffled after her, she felt dizzy.

Their sorority sisters back at school often teased them that they had no boundaries in their friendship, and Jisung thought that she finally could see what they meant.

Felix had been kidding, right? She'd always had an off the wall sense of humor- an absurdity that didn't match the classical beauty of her face and the carefully curated outfits she wore. She often threw people off when she opened her mouth and said something completely bizarre in her throaty, deeper-than-average voice.

Jisung loved watching people's expectations of Felix obliterated in front of her eyes. But for the first time, she felt the confusion of the strangers who took Felix for a typical, pretty girl.

She much preferred the feeling of being in on the joke.

---

They'd ended up having a smorgasbord of fast food in the food court when they met back up with the guys- Chinese food kept warm under heat lamps, soft pretzels dipped in nacho cheese, and cinnamon buns. Then they'd stopped at the CD store where Jisung almost caved to buy the Distillers’ album, but allowed herself to live vicariously through Felix's purchase of Michelle Branch's debut instead.

By the time they made it back to Felix's house, Jisung was tired and too full- the sun starting to set and crickets beginning to chirp as they climbed from the car and made their way inside.

“How about a movie?” Felix suggested, toeing out of her shoes inside the front door with a hand braced on Changbin's arm to keep her steady.

Of course they weren't going to go up to Felix's room, just the two of them, to listen to her new CD and read along with the lyrics in the album booklet until they had them memorized.

Abruptly, Jisung realized she was lucky that Felix wasn't about to disappear into her bedroom with Changbin and her shopping bag from the lingerie store.

Jisung nodded, cheeks heating as she recalled that the set Felix had bought for her was in there too.

Changbin wanted to watch some action movie Jisung couldn't have cared less about, Seungmin mentioned something that sounded historical and slow. Jisung shrugged when Felix looked at her for a suggestion, so they ended up watching Bring It On for the millionth time, which Jisung wasn't going to complain about. Especially since it meant she and Felix could continually recite the lines back and forth to each other before bursting into laughter. Seungmin even seemed to be enjoying himself when Changbin got up to try out some of the dance moves as Felix cheered him on.

But the closer the big competition got in the film, the less Felix seemed to be paying attention to the movie. Instead she was pressing her feet under Changbin's thigh and dragging her fingers up and down the swell of his biceps. Jisung wanted to look away, but she kept finding her eyes pulled back to the easy way Felix curled into Changbin's body like she belonged there.

When Jisung turned during the start of the cheer squad’s performance to see Felix's smiling face in the flickering light from the TV, she was met with Felix's face turned away from her as she melted against Changbin's front with her lips pressed tightly to his.

Her heart thumped in her chest- a bang she could feel against her ribcage- and she forced herself to turn back to the TV. But she ended up catching Seungmin's gaze instead. He shook his head and rolled his eyes dramatically, and Jisung found herself burying a laugh in her hand as his lips quirked.

At least she wasn't alone in this- forced to be the perpetual third wheel on this date she didn't know she was crashing. If she was the third wheel, Seungmin was the fourth. And somehow that made her feel a little better.

“We're gonna head to bed,” Felix announced when the credits rolled, arching her back and stretching her arms over her head.

“Long day,” Changbin said as he stood, helping Felix up as she beamed at him.

Seungmin snorted across the room.

It seemed Jisung wasn't the only one who doubted that they were retiring early for the sake of sleep.

For the first time since she'd arrived, she was glad the guest room was all the way down the hall from Felix's room.

Jisung tried not to picture Felix in the lingerie she'd bought that day and failed.

“Goodnight, baby,” Felix said, bending down to give Jisung a hug like they wouldn't be seeing each other over breakfast the next morning.

But Jisung liked how touchy Felix was. Without Felix taking the initiative like she had throughout their friendship, Jisung didn't think she'd have ever had the guts to be so openly affectionate.

Her family had never been the type to hug just for the sake of it. When Jisung saw her parents after a semester away or when she packed up to return to school after a vacation, they'd hug. But not outside of some sort of occasion. And no one was in the habit of verbally expressing their love either.

Jisung knew they loved her. She felt it from the way her mom woke up early to do her laundry when she was home even though Jisung was perfectly capable of doing it herself. And how her dad emailed her links to articles he thought she might be interested in at least once a week (she usually wasn't, but it was the thought that counted.)

She had no qualms with the more subtle way her family showed their care for one another. But to be able to snuggle up with Felix on the couch when they watched TV or crawl into Felix's bed when it was cold in her own felt like a luxury. Just like she'd never ridden shotgun in a convertible or stayed in a house with a live-in maid before she'd met Felix, she hadn't realized how satisfying and warm it was to feel so comfortable with someone else in her space.

It was with that warmth still curled in her belly that Jisung watched Felix and Changbin retire upstairs.

She didn't feel ready to sleep- it was still quite early, actually. But she wasn't sure what else to do now that Felix was gone. Maybe she could go listen to something on her discman and redo her toenails. The white she'd painted them at the beginning of the week was beginning to chip.

“Do you want to watch something else?” Seungmin asked, standing up to peruse the wall of DVDs again.

Back home, Jisung had always had to go to the video store to rent whatever she wanted to watch. But apparently Felix's dad was a movie buff, so he bought almost anything he could find. The result was an entire wall of the TV room filled with shelves of DVDs to the point that it inspired decision paralysis.

Though Jisung wasn't confident letting Seungmin take the lead in choosing either.

“It doesn't have to be my pick from earlier,” he told her, as though reading her thoughts, and Jisung snorted appreciatively from the couch. “It can be something neutral that we've both seen. Like Groundhog Day or something.”

“I haven't seen that,” Jisung admitted and had to laugh when Seungmin whipped around to stare at her with wide eyes.

“How have you never seen Groundhog Day? My parents have the VHS, so I watched it whenever I was home sick from school.”

Jisung shrugged.

“I guess my parents aren't as into rodents or fake holidays as yours,” she taunted, pleased when Seungmin rolled his eyes good naturedly. “Or I just have a better immune system.”

“We don't have to watch it,” Seungmin told her, but Jisung was already shaking her head and gesturing for him to grab the DVD as she stretched her legs out in the place Felix had vacated.

“I guess I have to now,” she joked. “Since apparently it's classic cinema.”

“It is,” Seungmin insisted, inserting the DVD into the player before making his way back to the recliner he'd been sitting in before.

Jisung wondered if she should offer him the spot her feet were taking up on the couch. That was probably the polite thing, right? Plus Felix wanted the two of them to date, or something. Maybe sitting next to each other would be a good start?

Jisung tried to imagine kissing Seungmin only to accidentally picture Felix straddling Changbin's hips upstairs in her four-poster bed.

She hastily shook that thought away.

And by then, the movie had started and it was probably way too late to tell Seungmin he could share the couch with her. So Jisung focused on the screen instead, and tried to stop overthinking everything.

---

Felix was topless.

That sounded scandalous. It wasn't.

Well, it kind of was. Because Changbin and Seungmin were playing some game with a beach ball in the pool while Felix and Jisung relaxed in the sun on their lounge chairs.

And Felix had taken off her bikini top, as usual.

At least she was on her front, Jisung thought. Even Felix wasn't comfortable enough to have her tits out when Seungmin, the only person present who hadn't seen Felix's nipples, was around.

Jisung, on the other hand, was in a tankini with all strings tied securely. She wasn't willing to risk it with anyone other than Felix there to see.

The sun was starting to cast long shadows behind their chairs and the umbrellas they'd dragged them out from underneath. All of them had been late to rise in the morning, and the afternoon had been unhurried as they'd grazed in the kitchen and moved between watching bad, daytime TV, listening to whatever Felix put on the stereo, and amusing themselves with whatever they could find around the house- magazines, playing cards, mass market paperbacks with creased spines and dog-eared pages.

Soon, the boys were going to start grilling the burger patties Felix had prepared earlier in the day. When Jisung had asked Felix if she needed help seasoning the ground beef, Felix had kissed her on the top of the head and told her not to worry.

There had been that time Jisung had nearly burned a pot of pasta at the sorority house, so Felix didn't quite trust her in the kitchen. But considering the prep work required no fire of any kind, Jisung thought she might have been okay at it. Though she wasn't super eager to touch raw meat, so there was that as well.

“Who else is hungry?” Changbin called from the pool, the beach ball floating across the surface of the water toward Seungmin.

“Me!” Felix yelled, holding her suit to her chest as she sat up on her lounge chair. “I'll go get the burgers from the fridge.”

The scraps of fabric that made up her bikini top were doing barely anything to cover her, and Jisung worried that one wrong move would have her flashing her whole chest.

“Lix, hold still,” she scolded, pushing herself up and stepping around her chair to sit behind Felix on hers. “Hold it in place. I'll tie you.”

Felix beamed at her over her shoulder before adjusting her top so the triangles properly covered her breasts. Jisung carefully tied the string around her ribs and then moved to the tie at the back of her neck.

With Felix's hands otherwise occupied, Jisung had to brush the loose hair at the nape of her neck so they didn't get caught in the bow. The gentle brush of Jisung's fingers against her sunwarmed skin had Felix shivering, and Jisung quickly sucked in a breath as she finished securing Felix's suit.

“Sorry,” she breathed, taking her hands back and watching as Felix stood and turned back toward her.

“Thanks, ‘Sung,” Felix said to her, cheeks looking pink from the sun. They should have reapplied their sunscreen after laying out for an hour.

Jisung pressed her hands against her own cheeks to see if they felt tender and sore, but they just felt too warm under her fingers.

She reapplied while the more cooking adept people started dinner.

Somehow, while Changbin went to find a spatula more suited to his preferences in the kitchen, Felix and Seungmin nearly managed to turn the burgers into ash. Felix shrieked and Seungmin swore, and Jisung turned to see the flames jump to shoulder level before Seungmin adjusted something to have them sinking back down where they belonged.

“What the hell?” Changbin bellowed, seemingly more confused than angry as he burst through the back door with two spatulas in his hand. “I was gone for two minutes!”

Seungmin looked like his entire life had just flashed before his eyes, but Felix was wheezing with laughter, collapsed back against the wall of the pool house as Changbin strode purposefully toward them to see if the meat was salvageable.

Looking at the patties, he sighed- using one of the spatulas to flip them and prod at them in a way that made Jisung think of a kid poking at a bug with a stick.

“Well, they might taste a little charred on the outside, but I think they'll be okay,” he announced wearily. “Shoo!”

He flapped the other spatula at Felix and Seungmin who compliantly vacated the vicinity of the grill.

Seungmin collapsed into the pool chair next to Jisung, hand in his chest.

“Heart attack?” Jisung asked, trying to bite back a smile when Seungmin leveled her with an unimpressed glare.

“I didn't see you trying to help,” he groused as Felix dropped down next to Jisung and wrapped her arms around her shoulders.

“That's because she's a princess who shouldn't have to lift a finger,” she teased, pressing a smacking kiss to Jisung's warm cheek before continuing in a faux whisper, “and also, she burned pasta once so we don't trust her around fire.”

“That was once!” Jisung insisted as Seungmin snorted out a laugh, the stricken look on his face replaced by amusement.

Felix giggled next to Jisung ear, and Jisung let herself relax into Felix's body despite the way their skin was sticky with sunscreen and sweat.

The burgers did taste somewhat charred once Changbin finished them- Jisung's doused in ketchup with a slice of melty cheese adhered to the toasted bun- but it was food she hadn't had to cook, so she was satisfied.

Until Felix disappeared inside and emerged with glass bottles of beer gripped between her fingers for each of them.

Jisung wasn't dissatisfied with the beer- it was much better than whatever the frats usually served at their parties- but she could think of better ways to spend a summer night than watching Felix wrap herself around Changbin in the pool.

To be fair, they'd suggested a chicken fight, but Jisung didn't particularly want to sit on Seungmin's shoulders and get forcibly pushed into the water by a surprisingly competitive Felix. Nothing about that, aside from not being left out, appealed to her, so she'd begged off and was left sitting on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water, her second beer in her hand, and Felix's tongue down Changbin's throat four feet in front of her.

“Elevated entertainment,” Seungmin commented, easing down next to her with his own beer- a t-shirt pulled on to cover the pink splotches he'd missed when applying sunscreen.

Jisung snorted, watching the water ripple around her calf and distort the shape of her foot.

“Seems to be a theme,” she agreed, taking a pull from her bottle and feeling the lightness of her limbs from the alcohol.

With her legs buoyed by the water, she felt like she was floating.

She'd always been a lightweight, so she ought to stop at two lest she recreate her drunken performance of Bohemian Rhapsody from their sorority Christmas party the year before that had become infamous among her sorority sisters.

“Don't think I quite gathered how intense the third wheeling- so to speak- would be on this trip,” he observed, scooting closer to the edge of the pool, and Jisung, to get his feet in the water.

“No, we didn't get a good enough gauge of how insufferable they were before the school year ended,” Jisung agreed, taking another sip of beer.

She understood on an intellectual level that she was bothered by the over-the-top display she was currently unable to tear her eyes away from. Who wanted to watch their friends make out in front of them? Voyeurs, probably, but not Jisung. Or Seungmin, apparently, though they were both still staring at them like they were performing an impressive water ballet routine.

She also knew that having to share Felix's attention and affection with Changbin had been wearing at her ever since he and Seungmin had arrived. But right then, with the sky shot through with vivid magenta and deep tangerine and her body seeming to hover just above the ground from her one and a half beers, Jisung couldn't quite reach any of those feelings of discontent.

People liked to say that alcohol made your truest nature come to the surface. When Jisung drank, she felt happy and content in a way that was difficult to hold onto when she was sober and her head was full of spiraling thoughts and worries that clattered against her skull like shards of broken plastic. Was this who she truly was? Peaceful and easy going? It was hard to believe with the way her skin buzzed with anxiety normally, but she wanted to think that maybe it could be true.

“What are you smiling about?” Seungmin asked her, regarding her curiously when she tore her gaze from the watercolor sky to his open face.

“Just thinking about what a fucking delight I am,” she told him, lips pulling up in a smile that she knew showed her gums.

Seungmin coughed out a laugh, surprised by her answer.

“You're awfully confident,” he observed, the corners of his eyes pulling up in a smile his mouth hadn't been given permission to show.

Jisung hummed happily, spreading her toes beneath the surface of the water and catching the flash of the matching polish on Felix's toenails as she crossed her ankles at the small of Changbin's back.

“Why deny the truth?” she said, laying back on the sunwarmed stone and letting her eyes close, though something chimed in the back of her mind like a forgotten alarm.

Seungmin chuckled, his foot lightly brushing against Jisung's in the water.

“That's a futile endeavor,” he agreed.

And Jisung hummed, the world tilting just slightly.

<<<

November 2001

Stepping into the sharp wind, Jisung immediately crossed her arms across her chest and tucked her chin in some futile attempt to keep her neck warm.

It was unseasonably cold for early November. In retrospect, Jisung should have worn a jacket over her sweater dress, but it hadn't really gone with her outfit. When she'd left the sorority house for the party at the frat house down the block, she'd convinced herself it wasn't so cold outside and that she was totally fine. Her tights were thick! Her dress had long sleeves! She was warm enough!

Now though, with the wind howling through the trees and the sun having set hours ago, Jisung was very much regretting not having any extra layer for the walk back home.

“Past Jisung, I hate you,” she wailed, hastening her pace as she trotted beside Felix in the direction of home. “Who cares if your coat isn't the exact shade of brown to go with your dress? It's fucking frigid! Reassess your priorities!”

Felix giggled, blonde hair whipping around her face as she turned to take in Jisung's self-inflicted misery.

Groaning dramatically, Jisung let her teeth chatter as much as they wanted as she rubbed her upper arms with her palms. Halfway home. She probably wouldn't get frostbite on her pinkie toes in her boots before they got there.

“Here,” Felix said to her, shrugging out of her leather blazer and slowing her pace to drape it over Jisung's tense shoulders.

“Felix!” Jisung exclaimed. “No! You'll freeze!”

Felix's dress was also a thicker knit, but unlike Jisung's, it had short sleeves. So with her jacket now wrapped around Jisung's frame, her bare arms were exposed to the biting wind.

“I'm fine,” she told Jisung with an easy smile, the tip of her nose pink from the cold. “I promise. We're almost home anyway.”

Jisung made a sound of protest, but Felix just laughed, falling into step with her to wrap an arm around Jisung's body as they walked.

“Your arms are bare,” Jisung argued uselessly, shivering even as Felix's jacket blocked the wind and the heat from her body started to wrap around her. “What if you get sick?”

“What if you get sick?” Felix countered, smiling playfully when Jisung looked at her. “I'm really not even that cold. And I can see the house! Just shush and get warm.”

Grumbling, Jisung found herself pressing even closer to Felix as they traversed the final stretch of sidewalk before they clattered up the front steps and burst through the front door. The wall of heat that greeted them had Jisung whimpering in relief, and Felix finally let her teeth chatter as she closed the door behind them.

“Felix!” Jisung lamented, launching herself toward her to grab onto Felix's shoulders with the intent to either shake her in frustration or hug her tightly. Instead she just kind of slumped against her front and made a noise of distress in her throat. “You're so stupid. You're gonna get sick.”

She was whining now, but Felix only laughed, wrapping her arms around Jisung's middle to hold her close as they both started to thaw.

“I honestly didn't feel that cold until the last two minutes,” she assured her, words pressed into Jisung's hair. “You were way more miserable, I promise.”

“But still-!”

“Hush, baby,” Felix cajoled, keeping Jisung pressed against her chest before she could spring back to argue some more. “I had to keep my favorite girl warm!”

The sound that escaped Jisung's lips was a pathetic sounding whimper- the only form of release for the swell of her heart in her chest at Felix's words. She loved her so much, and she didn't know how she got so lucky to have her as a best friend.

“You better not get sick,” was all she could manage- voice petulant as she mumbled against Felix's shoulder.

“You too,” Felix told her, gently rocking them back and forth just inside the front door.

The tips of Jisung's fingers were warm before they separated and headed upstairs to bed.

>>>

Crickets were chirping when they stepped outside, the front door closing heavily behind them. It was late enough that any bonfires or barbecue parties that ran past dusk were probably over, and the relative stillness of the night in suburbia had Jisung feeling like she ought to tiptoe across the driveway even though the neighbors’ houses weren't close enough that her flip flops were going to disturb anyone.

“You have to do a full lap of the front yard,” Changbin was dictating, moving his finger in a large circle. “From here to the end of the driveway, across to the fence, and then back.”

“You're taking this awfully seriously for someone who's already seen me naked,” Felix snickered, stepping out of her sandals and crossing her arms in front of herself to smoothly pull her t-shirt over her head.

“It's in the spirit of an honest truth or dare game!” Changbin defended, voice louder than the thwack of Jisung's flip flops could ever aspire to be. “I carried out my dare exactly as it was described even though your dress didn't fit me at all. And poor Jisung drank that whole glass of booze and ketchup.”

“As if that wasn't your idea,” Seungmin snorted, hands shoved in his cargo shorts as he politely averted his eyes from Felix as she unbuttoned her jean shorts with only her pink cotton bra on her upper half.

“Apologies again,” Changbin turned to Jisung with a somber bow of his head. “Hats off to you though. You were a really good sport about it.”

“I'm just trying not to think about it anymore, thanks,” Jisung waved him off, stomach giving an uncomfortable twist at the reminder of the taste.

Ketchup really did not go with gin. Or tequila. Or vodka or whisky or beer. Or all of them combined.

The alcohol was making her head all swimmy, and Jisung blinked hard to try to recenter herself so gravity was keeping her steady on the ground, not pulling her off balance.

Felix was still giggling when she was in just her bra and matching underwear. And then she was unhooking the bra with one hand while the other blocked her chest as the bra fell to the ground with her other discarded clothes.

It was warm out, and it wasn't even her undressing, but Jisung felt goosebumps prickle at her skin as Felix stood there, nearly naked.

“Okay,” she said, arm still covering her chest while her other hand hovered at the waistband of her panties. “One full lap. Count me down?”

Changbin grinned, seemingly impressed with Felix's good sportsmanship as well.

“Three, two,” he started, counting alone as Seungmin kept his eyes on the tops of the trees and Jisung fought to swallow.

Felix shoved her underwear down in one swift movement.

“One!”

She was off- running away from them with a squeal as her bare skin seemed to glow in the moonlight.

Thanks to her habit of sunbathing topless, there were no tan lines across her back, but her butt was noticeably paler than the rest of her as she sprinted down the driveway.

Seungmin still wasn't looking, so it was really just Changbin and Jisung watching Felix streaking through her front yard. Theoretically, if the neighbors in the house on the left were looking out precisely the right window at exactly the right angle, they might have caught a glimpse of Felix's naked form jogging by, but that was unlikely- no one was hoping this dare led to a complaint about public indecency, after all.

Felix was near the front of the lot now, curving around at the edge of the lawn before turning back toward the house as Changbin whooped and cheered for her progress. She had her forearm pressed across her breasts, either for modesty or to keep them from bouncing uncomfortably with her movement. Her other hand half heartedly held in front of her crotch, but Jisung could still see that she was waxed smooth behind her unsteady palm.

Laughter between her huffs of breath had Felix's pace faltering. She didn't seem embarrassed or self conscious as she arrived back at her pile of clothes with a cry of accomplishment, but Jisung's cheeks were hot with sympathy regardless.

Watching Felix bend to grab her t-shirt to pull over her head, Jisung realized she probably should have readied Felix's clothes for her to easily slip back into so she didn't need to fumble with them to redress. A good friend would have thought of that instead of just staring at her bare form under the moonlight and feeling enough unease and mortification for both of them.

Fortunately, Felix made quick work of her underwear and shorts, slinging her bra over her shoulder and leading the way back inside as Changbin rattled on about how quickly she'd run and Seungmin averted his eyes from her discarded bra with a flush high on his cheeks.

At least she wasn't the only one embarrassed.

“Alright, Changbin,” Felix exalted, bra tossed on the coffee table and body akimbo on the couch. “Truth or dare?”

Changbin scooted underneath Felix's legs so they rested in his lap, leaning back into the couch with a grunt.

“We just had a field trip, so I'll go with truth this time.”

“Hmmm,” Felix hummed, stretching out so her head was tipped against one arm of the couch while her toes dangled over the other. “What's something juicy I can ask you?”

Jisung curled back up in the little nest she'd made in front of the coffee table with a quilt and some throw pillows that got kicked to the floor.

“I don't think I'm supposed to help you ask a good question,” Changbin teased, palm skating along Felix's calf.

“Do you promise to tell the truth?” Felix asked, pushing herself up just enough that her shoulder blades were propped against the arm of the couch.

“Yes,” Changbin sighed, like it was a given. Though he'd been quite insistent about the integrity of the game, so maybe it really was.

“Okay,” Felix said with a nod, accepting his response. “Seungmin can tell us if you're lying.”

Seungmin choked out an awkward laugh in the armchair when three pairs of eyes were suddenly on him.

“What makes you think he'll know?” Changbin challenged with a smirk that had Felix pressing the ball of her foot into the side of his thigh.

“He's your best friend!”

“We don't tell each other secrets under the covers at sleepovers,” Changbin informed her, voice lilting playfully.

“That's really sad,” Felix informed him, lips drawing down in a pout. “I tell Jisungie everything. You're really missing out.”

“Everything?” Changbin asked, brows raised as he looked between Felix and Jisung where she was curled on the floor.

Felix nodded sagely, and Jisung felt her face burning at all the intimate details about Changbin that she hadn't asked for.

They hadn't had a chance to be alone since the boys arrived, so her intel was a little behind, but she was sure she'd be on the receiving end of a deluge of information as soon as they pulled out of the driveway.

“What do you think, Seungmin?” Changbin prompted, cheeks curving with his smile. “You want to know everything?”

Seungmin blanched before his face began to glow with a blush. “I'm good, thanks.”

Changbin shrugged, his attention back on Felix. “I tried.”

She tsked. “It's your loss. But anyway, time for your truth.”

Frankly, Jisung had nearly forgotten what they were doing, especially with the way her unfortunate cocktail had her thoughts scattering at the slightest distraction.

“What is something you've never told anyone else before?” she asked, voice dropping in pitch like that would imbue the question with its intended weight. “Nothing so boring you wouldn't bother to tell anyone. A secret. Something juicy.”

It was obvious the second the secret that fit Felix's description dawned on Changbin because his lips twitched with an awkward half-chuckle at the same time his ears turned red.

“Uh…” he looked around the room, a sheepish smile pulling at his mouth. “This is a safe space, right?”

Felix was nodding vigorously. “Of course!”

Jisung echoed the sentiment, though Changbin's eyes mostly swept over her as he turned to look at Seungmin.

“Do I really not know?”

Changbin shook his head, and Seungmin seemed to migrate closer to the edge of his seat with interest.

“Well, in eighth grade, my best friend and I practiced kissing with each other because we didn't have anyone else to kiss at that point,” Changbin admitted with a self-deprecating tilt of his mouth. “And then we swore we'd never tell another soul.”

Felix sat up properly and reached out to brace her hands against his biceps as she giggled.

“Excuse me, I thought this was a safe space,” Changbin playfully chastised, but Jisung could see the tiny glimmer of self consciousness behind the tease.

“It is,” Felix emphatically insisted, grinning widely. “I'm just laughing because my best friend and I did the same freshman year of high school!”

The tension that had been holding his body rigid visibly seemed out as Changbin let out a laugh of his own.

“Wow, we have so much in common,” he joked, and it was only then that it dawned on Jisung that having a first kiss with a friend was something she and Felix had bonded over during the earliest stage of their friendship.

Uninvited, something bitter settled in the back of her throat that had her reaching for her beer to try to wash the taste away.

Seungmin, meanwhile, was staring at Changbin with his mouth hanging open like a goldfish that found itself out of the water. If she had to guess, Jisung thought it was because he was surprised, not because he was disgusted. She hoped it was the former, at least. She tried to make a point not to hang out with bigots. Her cousin was gay, so homophobia was not something she could overlook. Plus, just, like, basic human rights and decency and all that.

But no, the look on Seungmin's face was more shocked than horrified. She would go with that assumption unless proven otherwise.

“We should start a club,” Felix suggested mirthfully, casting a secret smile at Jisung that lost its sweetness with the knowledge that the club was no longer just for the two of them.

Changbin snorted. “Sure sounds great.”

“Jisungie's turn!” Felix exclaimed, nearly startling the beer out of Jisung's hand when she went to take a sip.

“No, it's Seungmin's turn,” Changbin corrected her, and Jisung let out a breath of relief. Honestly, she'd forgotten what order they were supposed to be going in, so she'd have begrudgingly gone along with whatever her dare was without even knowing it wasn't her turn.

“And I know exactly what his dare should be,” Changbin continued with a self-satisfied little smirk.

“Who says I'm picking dare?” Seungmin protested, cheeks flushed and voice loud enough that it was obvious Jisung wasn't the only one well on her way to intoxicated.

“You can't just rest on your laurels and expect to get away with two truths in a row,” Changbin told him sagely, earning himself a middle finger from Seungmin that had Jisung burying a laugh in the quilt she had wrapped around her.

“Whatever,” Seungmin huffed, crossing his arms defiantly over his chest and looking much more like a disgruntled kid than whatever intimidating personage he was aiming for. “Dare, then.”

“Perform Eminem's Slim Shady,” Changbin told him gleefully, and from the way Changbin erupted into happy cackles as Seungmin fell back into his seat with a groan, it was obvious that this wasn't just an off-the-cuff idea.

“Do I have to?” he wailed, arm thrown across his face dramatically.

“Unless you want to drink two ketchup flavored cocktails,” Changbin threatened.

Jisung didn't remember that being the penalty for not completing a dare, but it was a good one in that no one would willingly subject themselves to that if there was another alternative.

Apparently, Seungmin agreed because he grumbled, but slid off the chair like a gutted fish and said he'd go get the CD from his room.

“Seungmin knows the whole song by heart, but he'll only do it when he's really drunk,” Changbin explained to them in his absence.

It turned out, he really did know every word.

Despite the sloshing of alcohol in her belly and in her head, Jisung couldn't help but hoot and cheer throughout the performance. Seeing someone as seemingly straight-laced as Seungmin enthusiastically perform such a ridiculous rap song was a sight to behold.

“Okay, now it's Jisung's turn,” Felix announced after Seungmin slouched back into his chair to raucous applause with maybe just a hint of a smile on his face despite his protests about being embarrassed.

They'd long ago given up on the rule that the person who answered a question or completed their dare got to challenge the next person. Felix and Changbin had been the ones coming up with the truths and dares from the beginning while Jisung and Seungmin only interjected occasionally.

Maybe it was an introvert versus extrovert thing. Jisung was just glad she didn't have to keep coming up with ideas when she couldn't even stand without the room starting to spin. Though she had suggested that Changbin dance to Toxic by Britney Spears earlier, which she thought was an inspired choice.

“Sungie,” Felix sang, “truth or dare?”

For as much as Jisung would prefer to stay wrapped in her little cocoon on the floor, truth felt too dangerous. She didn't know exactly what she was afraid of being asked, but there was a certainty lodged beneath her ribs that she would admit something damning if she took the risk.

“Dare,” she answered resolutely, hoping to telepath to Felix that she didn't want to- nor could she- do anything particularly active at the moment.

“I dare you,” Felix began, drawing out the syllables with a mischievous tilt to her mouth that had Jisung's heart picking up, “to kiss Seungmin.”

Jisung's pulse roared as her stomach swooped with nerves. She hadn't kissed many people, even counting her friends whom she hadn't thought to include until Felix. Still, it was just a kiss. It wasn't like they were going to make out.

“Well, he's gonna have to come down here, because I'm not getting up,” she announced with false bravado- blood rushing in her ears like waves crashing violently against the sides of a ship.

Fake, blustering confidence was her only defense mechanism. Well, that and looking like a pitiful, lost rodent that people wanted to help because they felt sorry for her. But that wasn't something she did intentionally. It just sort of…happened.

But pretending like she casually kissed people all the time- like her hands weren't trembling beneath the blanket- was all she had at this moment.

“Now this feels like my dare,” Seungmin complained as he heaved himself up from the armchair. “What do I get for this?”

“We'll give you a standing ovation,” Changbin promised, eyes shining with amusement.

“Please don't,” Seungmin grumbled.

“Do not fucking do that,” Jisung protested at the same moment.

As Seungmin knelt on the floor in front of her, he grinned in response to her vehement objection.

Jisung hoped he wasn't horrified by the idea of kissing her. He didn't seem horrified, though his ears were pink as he regarded her carefully.

Honestly, Jisung didn't even know how she felt about Seungmin. Felix kept asking her if she thought she could be interested in him when they had brief moments alone, but she still didn't know.

She liked him as a person, and they seemed to get along well enough. But could she see herself developing romantic feelings for him? She'd been asking herself that as often as Felix had, but she still didn't have an answer. For either of them.

Maybe kissing Seungmin would jump start her brain in that direction. Maybe she could at least get an inkling of whether or not she was attracted to him. Or if she could ever be.

Felix had probably already thought all of this through. She was probably giving Jisung the opportunity to test how she felt about Seungmin in a way that was easy to brush off if she decided she wasn't interested.

Maybe this was for the best.

Jisung wondered if she needed to say something. Like announce she was about to do it- for Seungmin's sake or for the sake of their onlookers. But instead she surged forward with a burst of adrenaline and kissed Seungmin before she could overthink it.

As far as kisses went, it was perfectly fine. Much like her first kisses during that game of spin the bottle, it was the press of lips and nothing more. Seungmin kissed her back, but didn't try to prolong the kiss or deepen it. His lips were soft, if not slightly chapped, and he smelled of the same beer Jisung could taste on her own tongue.

It was fine.

She still didn't have any more of an idea whether she would ever want to do that on her own volition.

She hadn't hated it. Surely that had to count for something?

“That's it?” Changbin complained good-naturedly as Seungmin sat back on his heels, looking at Jisung like he wanted to make sure she wasn't about to call him back or slap him across the face.

“That was the dare,” Jisung replied with a shrug, glancing over at the couch with what was hopefully an air of casual disinterest even though she could still feel her heartbeat in her fingertips as the adrenaline started to drain from her system.

“She's right,” Felix interjected, shooting Jisung a conspiratorial grin before turning toward Changbin. “I only dared her to kiss him. I don't know what you had in mind…”

“You don't have to make it weird!” he protested, and then they were playfully bickering- attention thankfully no longer on Jisung and her dare.

Seungmin, upon confirmation that his presence was no longer necessary, had migrated back to the armchair he'd been sitting in.

“Okay, okay,” Changbin cut in loudly, gesticulating like he was a referee for some sport Jisung didn't watch. “Felix's turn! Truth or dare?”

“Dare, of course,” she replied with a toss of her blonde hair and a confident quirk of her lips before they split into a proper smile as she laughed.

Changbin opened his mouth and froze, leaving the rest of the room suspended in anticipation as they waited for him to continue.

“Are you…malfunctioning?” Seungmin asked with a pleased cackle, leaning forward in his chair to wave a hand in front of Changbin's face.

“I just don't want to be called a pervert,” he explained, “after the implications made regarding Jisung's dare.”

“You already dared me to streak, weirdo,” Felix snickered. “I think that ship has sailed. What were you gonna dare me to do? Before your dial-up connection failed.”

“Hey!” he protested, sending Felix and Seungmin into alcohol fueled hysterics that landed Seungmin on the floor.

Jisung might have laughed too loudly at the loud thump he made when he hit the carpet.

After another spate of teasing at Changbin's expense, everyone quieted down enough for him to actually verbalize his dare.

“I'm not a pervert,” he prefaced, earning himself a muttered sure from Seungmin that nearly had Jisung breaking down into giggles again. “But I was just going to suggest you give a lap dance to the person of your choice.”

Felix shrugged like that was nothing. And to her it wasn't.

Jisung thought she'd probably have had to take the ketchup shots because there was no way she had the guts to give a lap dance to anyone, let alone with an audience.

“Okay,” Felix agreed, standing up from the couch and shaking her hair. “I pick Jisung, of course.”

“Ouch,” Changbin guffawed, hand clutching his heart dramatically even as he laughed. “It's really the of course that hurt.”

Felix stuck her tongue out at him before gliding over to the stereo and her massive case that held all of her CDs.

Jisung kicked off the blanket, feeling too warm, but then wondered if it seemed like she was removing it for the lap dance experience. Was that weird? Though how one got a lap dance while wrapped like a burrito was something she didn't know.

When the opening bars of Oops (Oh My) started, Jisung felt herself flush.

Objectively an incredible song choice, but…

“I thought this was a lap dance, not a striptease?” she weakly joked, nearly choking on her own spit as Felix teasingly raised the hem of her baby tee to show her flat stomach just as Tweet sang the lyrics Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my.

“Are you gonna do it on the floor?” Changbin asked incredulously and Jisung quickly took stock of every seat in the room she could move to.

But Felix just shrugged, stepping across Jisung’s legs- stretched out in front of her- so she was straddling them.

With Jisung on the ground and Felix standing at her full height, they were further apart than when Felix had been sprawled on the couch, but Jisung blushed anyway.

Felix shot her an easy smile, like they were in on something together, before she turned so she was facing away from her and bent forward- back arched- to push her ass in Jisung's direction.

There was some sort of hair toss, Jisung was pretty sure, but the drag of Felix's fingers up the backs of her thighs to the unfinished hem of her jean shorts was hard to look away from.

Changbin was hooting and Seungmin was singing along with the song, but Jisung couldn't have said whether they were still planted in their seats or doing cartwheels across the floor.

Facing her again, Felix dropped down to properly straddle her lap with her knees planted on either side of Jisung's thighs. Though she didn't sit down to actually rest her weight on her legs.

Felix's tiny hands felt like iron brands when they rested against Jisung's shoulders, her hips waving side to side with the rhythm of the music.

Face to face, Jisung felt like she should say something (she had no idea what), but her tongue felt numb and her mouth was too dry. She shouldn't have had that last beer. She really needed a drink of water. She-

“Put your hands on my waist,” Felix instructed, and Jisung obliged without thinking because it was Felix and she felt like she hadn't had an actual thought in quite some time.

Weren't you not supposed to touch strippers?

That was the thought her brain finally came up with, and she wanted to smack a palm to her own forehead because Felix wasn't a stripper, Jisung wasn't a patron at a club who was paying for a lapdance, and Felix told her to.

This was kind of like having people sing happy birthday to her, Jisung thought, and had to swallow the hysterical laugh that tickled her throat.

The attention was all on her, and while she wasn't actually meant to be doing anything, she wasn't sure how to do that, exactly. She was never so aware of her own face and how she couldn't remember how she'd been holding her mouth for the last twenty years of her life.

But then Felix executed a smooth body roll, so Jisung could feel the muscles undulating beneath her hands, and she no longer could tell if she even had a mouth, let alone what it was doing.

Felix still had a tilt to her lips like this was any other activity for the two of them to share, though there was a heavy-lidded quality to her gaze that wasn't as familiar. Maybe it was the alcohol. Or she was just really getting into her role. Or perhaps Jisung was imagining it entirely with the way her brain seemed to be stalling out, trying to figure out what the hell she was supposed to be doing.

As she moved her body to the song, Felix's jean shorts brushed against Jisung's bare thighs. If she lowered herself even an inch, she'd have been grinding against Jisung's lap.

Her stomach twisted sharply, ears ringing as her head spun like it might lift off her shoulders and float toward the ceiling like a helium balloon.

For one split second, Jisung wondered if Felix would keep moving if she pulled her down by the waist so her crotch dragged against Jisung's leg. But that was an insane intrusive thought that she would obviously not follow through on.

L’appel du vide, or whatever.

Before she could fully cleanse her brain from that musing, Felix was pushing herself up with all intensity from her face replaced with her usual sunny smile as she bowed for their cheering audience.

Jisung swallowed, feeling like her ears had popped with the way the noise of the others felt muted, and reached for her discarded blanket before realizing that she was sweating.

Frankly, she wasn't sure if being mildly drunk was what kept her from entirely short-circuiting or if it made everything worse.

“Bravo!” Changbin called, and Felix giggled, flopping back on the couch with the ease of someone who had never been out of her depth in a social situation in her life.

Jisung could not relate.

“Whose turn is it?” she managed, hoping to move things along so no one would be looking at her anymore.

Unfortunately, according to the masses, Felix's lap dance was the perfect finale to end the game.

Fortunately, that meant that Jisung didn't have to complete any more dares. Or be a part of someone else's.

For some reason, she decided that having another beer was a great idea and spent nearly the entire of the rom-com they watched making commentary that she was too drunk to know if anyone appreciated (she was going to go ahead and guess they didn't) and holding onto the area rug to make sure she didn't go careening sideways when the room started to tilt.

By the time she poured herself into bed, she couldn't even close her eyes for fear of lifting off the mattress and falling onto the ceiling. Still, it wasn't too long until she fell into a dreamless sleep despite herself, Oops (Oh My) echoing through her head all the while.

---

“I'm dying,” Jisung whimpered, her voice sounding pathetic to her own ears when it echoed inside the toilet bowl.

She felt like she had a gong behind her eyeballs that was being smashed with every beat of her heart. And every heave of her stomach.

It was only ten in the morning and she'd already thrown up four times. She felt like she had purged everything she'd put in her body for the last two weeks, but then her stomach roiled and had her reaching again. How was there anything left inside of her?

“You're not dying,” Felix soothed her, her hand cool against the clammy nape of Jisung's neck.

She lifted her head to look at Felix, tears streaking down her face and baby hair sticking to her temples.

“I am dying.”

Except that was too much talking, so she quickly leaned against the toilet seat and vomited again.

Felix made cooing noises like Jisung was a small child with a fever instead of an adult with a self-inflicted hangover.

Jisung sobbed with her forehead resting against the cold porcelain and shuddered when her head throbbed.

She tended to be a bit dramatic when she was sick. And when she drank too much, she felt worse than when she actually was sick.

There was a reason she didn't get drunk all that often. Tipsy? Sure. She was in college in a sorority, after all. It was par for the course.

But after her awful experience getting absolutely trashed freshman year from an ill advised drinking game at a frat party, she'd been careful.

Of course Felix had taken care of her then, too.

Jisung might have been an introvert who didn't even like parties all that much, but one of the frat members had been being such a prick about girls playing flip cup that something snapped in her alcohol addled mind. She was actually pretty good at flip cup, so she couldn't help but get into a theoretical pissing contest with him over it.

The good news was she beat him in two out of three games. The bad news was she drank way too much in the process.

Luckily, Hyunjin, one of their sorority sisters, watched Jisung go from drunk to nearly tipping over and quickly went to find Felix to help escort her back to her dorm.

She ended up collapsing like an unsteady foal in a bathroom stall, puking her guts out, and then trying to strip out of her clothes because she was too hot. Felix stayed with her (and kept her clothes on until she made it to her room) all night to be sure she didn't throw up in her sleep.

Jisung had woken up the next morning with a pounding head, a mouth full of cotton, very vague memories of the night before, and Felix wedged into her twin bed with her with mascara smudged underneath her eyes and her arm glued to Jisung's bare side with sweat.

If she hadn't needed to run to the bathroom to throw up, she might have cried at how grateful she was that Felix had taken such good care of her even when she'd been tipsy herself.

Jisung had only gotten that drunk one other time between that first time and now. It was like she had to make one horrible mistake a year to balance out…something. Hopefully one day she would stop making the same mistake because she didn't think her guts could handle much more of this.

“Poor thing,” Felix murmured, rubbing her back through her sweat-soaked pajama top. “It's okay. Let it out.”

Jisung wanted to argue that she'd let enough out, but she wasn't going to attempt speaking again so soon.

After another few bouts of heaving, Jisung finally stood up on shaky legs and allowed Felix to lead her back to the guest room she'd claimed as hers for the month.

“Stay here,” Felix instructed gently, helping Jisung to climb into bed and pulling the heavy duvet over her shivering body. “I'll get you some water and eggs. And coffee? Might help with your headache.”

“Don't know if I can do eggs,” Jisung grimaced, voice thready and weak as her stomach turned at the thought of food.

“You won't feel better if you don't eat,” Felix told her, as she had the morning after the unfortunate flip cup incident. “One sec.”

She rushed out of the room and came back with a plastic garbage can to set next to the bed.

“Just in case,” she said apologetically, reaching out to lay a cool palm against Jisung's sticky forehead.

Jisung couldn't stop from leaning into the touch with an appreciative little whine.

“I'll be right back, baby,” she told her, bending down to press a kiss to her cheek despite how disgusting Jisung knew she was right then.

Grateful tears stung behind her eyes, but she pushed them back. She didn't want to make the stabbing pain in her temples any worse.

With another stroke of her fingers through Jisung's sweaty bangs, Felix slipped from the room and Jisung curled up on her side in a miserable ball.

Why had she had so much to drink? What had she been thinking?

Cruelly, that same song that Felix had danced to drowned out her self-pitying thoughts, and Jisung had to lunge for the garbage can.

---

It was Changbin and Seungmin's last full day staying with them, but Jisung slept until dinner. She'd barely been able to keep down the courageous four bites of the scrambled eggs Felix had made her, and at least being unconscious let her ride out the rest of her hangover in relative peace.

“I can't believe it's your last night,” Felix lamented, straddling Changbin's lap on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.

The sun had finally slid below the horizon, and the lights in the pool were on so the ripples of water reflected against the side of the house with an eerie glow. Jisung watched the way the reflection danced over Felix's blonde hair when she dipped her head to bite at Changbin's shoulder through his t-shirt.

“There's less than a month until classes start agai- ow,” he yelped, rubbing at the spot her teeth had dug in as Felix giggled- freckles looking dark in the low light. “Careful where you use these.”

He reached out to press the pad of his thumb into her sharp canine tooth with a playful tilt to his mouth.

Jisung looked away when she caught sight of the pink of Felix's tongue teasing against his skin.

She should have sat at the edge of the pool with Seungmin instead of following Felix to the chairs by the house.

“We're gonna head in,” Felix announced a second later, and Jisung’s stomach swooped uncomfortably with the knowledge that they were going to have sex. And that she'd caught the beginning of their foreplay.

“Don't forget to set your alarm,” Seungmin piped up, looking like he might be about to chase Changbin inside to make sure she did just that. “We have to leave before ten.”

“I've got it,” Changbin assured him, hand clasped with Felix's as she dragged him toward the door. “Don't forget to set yours.”

“It's already set!”

But they were already stepping inside, Felix's goodnight nearly getting lost beneath the sound of the glass door sliding on its track.

The only sounds after the door shutting were the crickets and the gentle lap of the water from where Seungmin's legs are moving back and forth.

“He's gonna forget,” Seungmin said after a moment, voice flat and resigned.

Jisung hummed. She didn't have anything to offer in response, and Seungmin didn't add anything else.

Stomach swirling uncomfortably, Jisung wondered if her hangover wasn't actually done with her yet. But the jittery feeling underneath her skin pushed the needle toward anxiety instead.

For a second, she considered the impulse to submerge herself in the pool so the throb of her heartbeat and the whoosh of the water were all she could register. But she really was still feeling wrung out from puking her guts out that morning. Night swimming wasn't actually all that appealing right then.

“I'm gonna head in too,” she announced after another minute of contemplation, pushing herself up from the chair and politely wishing Seungmin goodnight.

She felt a little rude, but it wasn't like this was her house. She wasn't the hostess meant to entertain her guests.

It was unfair of her to begrudge Felix for her absence. She couldn't expect Felix to be at her side for every moment of her stay. That was unreasonable.

Besides, it was her last night with Changbin before they went back to school in a month. Of course they'd want to spend the night together.

Jisung would still be here after they pulled out of the driveway- gates closing with a reverberating clang to punctuate their departure.

But even if she logically understood all of that, it didn't stop the stubborn hurt that crawled right underneath her skin as she trudged upstairs alone.

She'd already slept enough, so going to bed wasn't an option- not unless she felt like tossing and turning for hours until she actually fell asleep. Instead, Jisung bypassed her bedroom and went to the guest bathroom that she, alone, was using. In the corner, there was a claw foot tub like in the movies, and Jisung's urge to sink beneath the water hadn't quite subsided.

Locking the door, she stripped her t-shirt over her head and stepped out of her shorts and underwear. With her bra hung on the door handle, Jisung turned the brass knobs so the water poured from the faucet into the porcelain tub. As it began to fill, she carefully stepped over the side and lowered herself into the shallow water with a wince. She'd intentionally made the temperature just slightly too hot to be comfortable.

By the time the bath was full and she was turning the knobs in the opposite way to stop the flow of water, she'd acclimated to the heat, and the near scalding water felt like a balm against her skin. The air was thick with moisture, and already the mirror was fogging over.

Settling back so her ponytail hung over the edge of the tub, Jisung sank into the water until it came up to her neck. And then, with a lungful of air locked in her chest, she dipped beneath the surface so water rushed into her ears.

All she wanted was to drown out the rest of the world, but what she'd forgotten was that sound carried strangely underwater. At home, when she occasionally soaked in the shower/tub combo in the bathroom her family shared, she could hear her parents talking in the kitchen perfectly- like she was outside the door with a glass pressed to the surface.

Now, what she heard was the squeak of a bedframe and an exaltation that had goosebumps rising on her skin, even in the warm bath. Felix's voice, drenched in pleasure. Strained like she'd never heard it.

Hastily breaking the surface of the water, Jisung gasped to bring air into her lungs as she wiped at her waterlogged lashes so she could open her eyes.

The urge to leap from the tub and flee to the safety of her bedroom and her headphones gripped her, but she forced herself to take a breath.

She felt like she'd transgressed and invaded Felix's privacy, but she certainly hadn't meant to hear what she had. How could she even have known that those were the sounds that would reach her beneath the water, even if she'd given any thought to her experiences at home?

Feeling slightly soothed by her own reassurances to herself, Jisung peeled her wet hair tie from her sopping ponytail and tossed it onto the floor. She scrubbed at her face with her hands, clearing the water that dripped from her eyebrows, and leaning back against the lip of the tub.

The plink of water as it dripped from the faucet seemed deafeningly loud in the silence of the bathroom, and Jisung really wished she'd thought to bring her discman in with her.

She wouldn't stay in too long, she decided. Just long enough to wash off her hangover and whatever ill mood had overtaken her.

The water was tepid and her fingers were pruned before she stepped out from the tub.

---

“Thanks for having us,” Seungmin said, passenger door blocking his body where it stood open and a hand shielding his eyes from the morning sun.

That was directed at Felix, obviously, but Felix was a bit distracted- pressed against Changbin's front with his hands on her hips and hers feeling along his biceps as they giggled together about something.

Surely she'd had enough time to appreciate his biceps over the past week…

“If she was paying attention, she'd probably say no problem,” Jisung finally offered when Seungmin's gratitude had gone unanswered long enough that he started shifting on his feet.

He snorted, seemingly happy to be acknowledged one way or another.

“Well, we ought to get going so we aren't driving in the dark,” Changbin announced. As though Jisung or Seungmin was keeping him from leaving.

Although, the declaration could have been for Felix, who was still attached to him, even though she could have heard him if he whispered.

“Okay,” Felix replied with a dramatic sigh, snickering at her own performance when Changbin shot her a teasing look. “Only one month.”

“One month,” he repeated, lips curling into a smile as he pressed a sweet kiss to her lips.

Jisung was assaulted by the memory of Felix's moans the night before, and she hastily looked away as though a peck was an impropriety she couldn't oblige.

Laughable considering she'd watched Felix streak across the front yard mere days ago.

“Thanks for…having us,” Seungmin awkwardly repeated, and Jisung couldn't stop the twist of amusement on her lips.

“It's been great,” Changbin agreed, opening the driver's side door with a flourish. “Good to see you, Jisung.”

Jisung nodded, managing half a wave and a you too.

Seungmin politely bid them both goodbye before ducking into the car and slamming the door.

Jisung let out a breath, watching the car peel down the long drive as Felix waved enthusiastically from her spot next to her.

When the car was out of sight, Felix latched her arms around Jisung's elbow- head hooking over her shoulder so her hair tickled Jisung's cheek.

“Nap?” she asked, and Jisung nodded, not daring to hope that Felix meant for them to nap together. As they had before Changbin arrived.

But she didn't have to worry about jinxing herself because Felix pulled her up the stairs and directed them to Jisung's room. (For a second, she wondered why not Felix's room with the bigger bed and softer sheets, but then she remembered that those sheets had been subjected to multiple rounds of sex.)

Shimmying her shorts off so she was in just a baby tee and a pair of aqua underwear, Felix eagerly climbed into Jisung's unmade bed like she was the one who'd left the blankets askew when rolling out of it two hours earlier.

It was Jisung's bedroom, so her pajamas were right there, but after Felix's unselfconscious show of stripping down, Jisung felt like changing into her shorts and pajama top would have been needlessly conscientious.

With a little buzz of nerves, Jisung kicked down her own jean cut-offs and joined Felix under the covers in just her black tank top and grey underwear.

“Sleepy,” Felix murmured, wrapping her limbs around Jisung like a particularly warm vine and settling comfortably against her side.

Humming, Jisung allowed herself to relax into Felix's embrace.

She'd spent much of the night before tossing and turning with her wet hair making her pillowcase damp and clammy. But now, with Felix snuffling into her neck and her hair finally dry, Jisung felt sleep gently and effortlessly overtake her.

---

“So?” Felix prompted, smile beatific even lit from underneath by the pool lights as the water lapped against her chest.

After their nap, they'd lazily made their way downstairs for a gourmet lunch of crackers and cheese that ended up being more like dinner, considering the time.

Some bad TV and parallel play as Felix redid her nails and Jisung reorganized her giant CD case lasted until the sun went down. Then Felix had managed to convince Jisung that a nighttime swim was in order, promising that she'd behave so that Jisung's freshly washed hair didn't get splashed or dunked in the pool water.

Which was how they ended up outside for the second night in a row with only the lights in the pool to cut through the darkness in the backyard.

“So?” Jisung parroted, taking a sip from the beer she'd allowed Felix to talk her into, though she'd made her promise to tie her to a chair if she went for a second one.

“So what do you think of Seungmin?” Felix asked eagerly, holding her beer aloft where she was crouching in the middle of the shallow end.

Jisung had been dreading this question because she still didn't know. And that eternal neutrality had her thinking that she probably did know. She just didn't want to disappoint Felix.

“As soon as they leave, I'm accosted,” she pretended to complain, though she was actually surprised Felix hadn't regaled her with questions the second they pulled out of the driveway.

And she was very grateful for the fact that she hadn't tried to suss out Jisung's feelings too much about him while he'd been there. No doubt it would have been obvious, and having the boys guess what they were gossiping about would have been mortifying enough that Jisung would have had to contract a rare disease that meant she had to stay in her room until they left.

“I've been so good!” Felix defended, brows raised and eyes wide with innocence.

Jisung couldn't stop the fond chuckle that reverberated in her chest. “You have.”

“Well?”

“Well…he seems really nice,” Jisung hedged. “He's easy to be around.”

“You don't want to date him,” Felix observed, matter of fact in a way Jisung was so often afraid to be.

“I mean, I don't know,” she continued to defer for some reason. “I'm sorry, Lix. I like him. I just don't…”

“The kiss wasn't good?”

“It was…fine?”

“You don't want to date him,” Felix reiterated on a little laugh, half swimming toward Jisung where she was leaning against the pool wall. “It's okay. Don't feel bad. I just thought it would be convenient so we could spend more time together.”

Felix deposited her drink on the edge of the pool in order to link her hands behind Jisung's neck. Worried she would accidentally spill her own with Felix hanging off her, Jisung placed her bottle down as well.

“And you deserve someone to make you happy,” Felix went on, eyes shining with sincerity as she held Jisung's gaze.

Jisung had the absurd instinct to say you make me happy, even though that wasn't what Felix meant.

“I want you to have whatever you want,” Felix told her, the intensity of the moment easing with her smile. “It isn't Seungmin. Got it. I'll just have to find you someone else.”

Jisung snorted, hands finding Felix's waist under the water naturally as Felix walked backwards to lead Jisung away from the wall.

“I'm just trying to get you laid!”

“Felix!” Jisung squeaked, embarrassed even though there was no one else to hear.

“What?” Felix defended, fluttering her eyelashes innocently. “I want you to find someone who can make you come until you can't even feel your feet!”

“Oh my god,” Jisung wailed, tipping her head back and squeezing her eyes shut as she willed her blush to fade even as Felix cackled. “What is wrong with you? Is that what happened last night or something?”

She hadn't meant to ask, but the moan she'd heard from the bathtub wasn't something she could easily forget. Even without realizing she'd been thinking of it, apparently she had because now that's all she could think of.

“I mean…” Felix waggled her eyebrows, and Jisung shrieked overdramatically to hide the way heat was creeping up the back of her neck. “It was so good last night, okay?”

Jisung let her eyes settle on Felix's face in time to watch her cheeks pinken beneath the rippling reflections of the water that danced between her freckles.

Being friends with Felix meant that boundaries were a mere suggestion that were most often overlooked. Felix was just as likely to complain about the state of her underwear during her period as she was about a paper being due in one of her classes. She also wasn't shy about sharing anything she deemed worthy of repeating about her sex life.

Jisung had a complicated relationship with Felix's habit of oversharing on that particular topic.

As a twenty year old virgin, bitter feelings surfaced when Felix brought up her sexual encounters. Jisung couldn't help but be reminded of the fact that she had nothing to reciprocate with, nor could she even relate to anything Felix was saying. It made her worry that Felix would feel the chasm of experience between them and deem Jisung unworthy of her stories. If she wanted someone to talk sex with and receive as much as she gave, Jisung was going to be a disappointment every time. What if Felix found someone else to confide in instead? Jisung hated the idea of being left behind.

But for some reason, even after two years of getting nothing back aside from Jisung's rapt attention, Felix still eagerly climbed into bed with her or curled up next to her on the floor of their room to regale her with the most intimate details of her sex life. It made Jisung feel full to the brim with heady warmth that Felix wanted to share these things with her.

And as someone without any experience, it was a way for her to live vicariously through Felix's excitement and learn from her less than ideal encounters.

With her warring feelings tripping over each other, Jisung swallowed her own insecurity and prompted her to continue.

“It's been good all week, don't get me wrong,” Felix laughed, stepping even closer to Jisung in the water. “But last night was…something else.”

Jisung swallowed down the I could tell in reference to the moan she wasn't supposed to have heard.

“I really like being on top,” Felix went on, cheeks glowing in the blue light reflecting from the water. “It just feels so sexy to have the freedom to move how you want to, how it feels good, and also see, like, how that makes your partner feel good too, you know?”

A hum was the best Jisung could do- not actually knowing, but also feeling her heart hammering too hard in her chest to reply anyway.

“My quads got tired, though, so I had to let him help. But he let me stay on top while he-” she paused, bit her lip, let out a self conscious little huff, “while he finished.”

Even with the cool water lapping at her ribs, Jisung felt her skin prickle with heat at the visuals Felix had just offered her.

“And your feet went numb?” she asked dumbly, expecting the laugh and little smack to her shoulder.

“Not from that,” Felix huffed, like it was obvious. And it was, since she hadn't mentioned finishing herself.

“Right, of course,” Jisung teased, hiding her own self-consciousness behind her playful tone. “Silly me.”

“They only went numb after he pulled me up so I was straddling his face, and he made me come, like, three times,” she huffed, cheeks pink beneath her freckles and eyes surprisingly steady as they locked on Jisung's.

Jisung felt a throb between her own legs in sympathy.

She should say something, right? Felix told her what happened, so now it was Jisung's turn. That was how conversation worked. But what was she meant to say? Sounds great! Or maybe who'd feel their feet after that?

Jisung really didn't want Felix to feel weird about confiding in her, so she really ought to respond with something, but her head remained stubbornly empty of any acceptable response.

“Anyway,” Felix giggled, breaking eye contact to tip her head forward to lean her forehead against Jisung's shoulder.

“That…must have been good,” Jisung stuttered, readjusting her hold on Felix's waist in lieu of a better response.

Felix hummed, tightening her hold behind Jisung's neck to step closer. “It was.”

Jisung felt dizzy. Maybe she shouldn't have had alcohol so soon after her awful hangover. Maybe she'd napped too deeply. Or hadn't slept enough.

“Carry me,” Felix requested, voice cutting through the thick fog that had settled over Jisung's brain. But she still wasn't thinking clearly enough to understand what Felix was saying in time.

Felix hopped, trying to wrap her legs around Jisung's waist but not quite managing to cling to her with the way their skin slipped under the water.

“Sung!” Felix complained, cackling as Jisung hurriedly moved her hands from Felix's waist to her thighs.

It was easy to lift her with the help of the buoyancy of the water, and Felix successfully secured her legs right over the swell of Jisung's hips.

“Hi,” Felix said to her, water dripping down over her pink gingham bikini top and her eyes like shining pools far deeper than the water they stood in.

“Hi,” Jisung breathed, her pruned fingers pressed into the smooth skin of Felix's thighs.

She couldn't shake the image of Felix wrapped around Changbin similarly while they made out in the pool a few nights ago.

Felix giggled- the warm puff of air hitting Jisung's upper lip.

Swallowing, Jisung tried not to think about the way Felix's ankles were hooked against her lower back or the press of her thighs to Jisung's hips. Despite how often they shared a bed, the intimacy of this position felt too heavy to breathe through.

“What am I even carrying you for?” Jisung joked, voice sounding weird to her own ears.

Abruptly, she let go of the hold she had on Felix's legs and couldn't stop the laughter when Felix shrieked dramatically as she lost her grip on Jisung's neck.

The water as it rushed between them was ice cold.

---

September 2002

A muffled yell from down the hall was what first pulled Jisung from the depths of sleep. The shrill alarm from Felix's clock was what yanked her unceremoniously into consciousness.

Felix groaned against Jisung's shoulder before flipping over and groping around on her bedside table to turn off the alarm.

Whimpering, Jisung tried to press her face between Felix's shoulder blades.

“Have to get up,” Felix grumbled, her morning voice surprisingly deep to anyone hearing it for the first time. But as Felix's roommate, it was just something else she loved about her best friend.

“I thought you didn't have a morning class today,” she complained against the fabric of Felix's pajama shirt.

“I promised Changbin I'd get breakfast with him,” Felix said, and Jisung made another sound of discontent as Felix made to sit up.

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

“Come in!” Felix called at the same time Jisung pulled her pillow over her head.

“Good morning,” came Changbin's voice, and Jisung burrowed even further under the covers. “Should I be jealous?”

It was a tease, but Jisung felt herself bristle nonetheless. Maybe it was because she just woke up. Or maybe it was because she'd been sharing beds with Felix long before Changbin came along. If anyone should have been jealous, it was her. Or something to that effect.

“We just fell asleep watching a movie,” Felix cheerfully explained, standing up and making the twin bed feel suddenly huge.

“Is that also why you aren't ready for breakfast?” he asked wryly.

“We weren't supposed to meet until ten,” Felix told him, shuffling across the room toward their shared closet. “I have an hour.”

“We said nine,” Changbin informed her, sounding way too amused for nine in the morning.

“Ten!” Felix insisted, casually pulling off her sleep shirt and tossing it in the direction of the bed before grabbing her bra and putting it on.

Even though she was facing away, Jisung made herself busy flipping and fluffing the pillow instead of looking at Felix's bare skin.

“It was definitely nine because I have to start work at the computer lab at ten,” Changbin told her easily, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed so his biceps strained against the sleeves of his polo shirt.

Felix was always going on about his arms, but Jisung just didn't get it. She'd never cared about muscles.

“Oh shit,” Felix swore, head popping out from the neck opening of her pink sweater- blonde hair sticking up and full of static. “We did say nine. Sorry!”

“It's okay, but that's why I'm up here,” he teased. “Need to make sure we get out the door in time to actually eat before my shift.”

“Ugh, sorry,” Felix said again, stepping out of her pajama pants and into a pair of light wash jeans. “Lemme just pull my hair up. I was gonna do my makeup and look all cute for you!”

“You're already cute,” he assured her with a grin, reaching out to hold her at the waist and press a quick kiss to her lips before she could rush across the room toward the full length mirror.

Jisung straightened the blankets this time, wishing she was in the bathroom instead of here, but not wanting to get up and draw more attention to herself.

There was some more back and forth- flirting, teasing about the time, discussion of what to eat- and then Felix, hair pulled up into the perfect high ponytail and her silver hoops threaded through her lobes, rushed back over to the bed to bend over and press a kiss against the top of Jisung's head.

“See you later, Sung,” she said, hand briefly cupping her cheek before she was hurrying out the door with Changbin in tow.

Jisung collapsed back against the pillow and wondered if she ought to go back to her own bed since Felix wasn't there to share hers anymore.

But she didn't- dozing for another hour and smelling the sweet pea and vanilla of Felix's perfume against the sheets.

---

The ground vibrated with the bass of the rap song booming from the stacked speakers in the frat's living room. It was the first big party they'd thrown since the school year started, so even though Jisung hated crowded, noisy parties, she wasn't able to puppy-eye her way out of accompanying Felix.

Well, she probably could have. But Felix had kitten-eyes of her own, and Jisung hated to disappoint her.

Now that Felix had disappeared onto the dance floor with Changbin, however, leaving Jisung with her second cup of whatever deadly concoction the guys had mixed this time, she couldn't help but feel a little bitter. And wish that she was back in the safety of the sorority house in a comfortable pair of velour sweats and in the company of her discman.

At least she wasn't alone- Felix, no matter how much she yearned to grind up on Changbin on the dancefloor, wouldn't have just left her by herself at a party. Hyunjin, Jisung's best friend at school after Felix, was dutifully babysitting her as she nursed her drink and tried her hardest to melt into the wall.

“Don't you wanna dance?” Hyunjin yelled over the music, her own cup of jungle juice empty.

She didn't want to. Especially not with Hyunjin who taught dance classes for kids in town over the weekend and whose legs seemed to go for miles under her leopard print mini skirt and black tights.

Jisung, in addition to disliking the sheer volume of the music and the crush of bodies on the dance floor, wasn't really a dancer. Which was objectively okay since most party-goers weren't dancers- not everyone was Hyunjin. But Jisung couldn't manage to get out of her own head and just enjoy herself. Not unless she was with Felix. And even then, she still ended up worrying she looked like an idiot half the time.

But Felix was dancing with Changbin, so Jisung needed to deal.

“Okay,” she yelled back even though she didn't want to, throwing back the rest of her drink with a grimace and letting Hyunjin lead her onto the makeshift dancefloor by the hand.

The sweaty bodies of her classmates knocked into her from all sides as she followed Hyunjin into the mass of writhing dancers, and no matter how much she tried to draw into herself to make herself smaller, she couldn't keep the elbows and shoulders and hips from touching her on all sides.

Hyunjin found a pocket of space and spun to face Jisung with an easy smile. Already her hips were swaying with the beat, looking cooler and more effortless than Jisung could imagine being in her wildest dreams.

“Come on,” Hyunjin cajoled, voice mostly lost beneath the music. “Just dance! You look hot!”

Jisung felt herself flush at the compliment, though she doubted her skin showed much difference since she knew she was already red from the alcohol and the heat of the too-crowded space.

Though she almost laughed when she realized that Hyunjin was one half of her styling committee for the night (Felix being the other half, of course), so the compliment might have been self congratulatory. She was sure Hyunjin hadn't meant it that way, but still.

The dress they'd chosen was one Felix had picked for her when they'd been out shopping over the summer- dark magenta with ruching along the sides and a cowl neckline that dipped just low enough to show off her modest cleavage. The hemline hit midway down her thighs and was short enough that she couldn't bend over without showing off the black thong she had to wear to avoid the line of her underwear showing through the form-fitting fabric.

Felix's black high heeled sandals were on her feet, ankle straps keeping them secure even as she attempted to move to the music. And though she'd shrieked about how cold she was the entire walk there with her bare legs, she was glad for the exposed skin as sweat started to form on her upper lip.

“That's it,” Hyunjin encouraged, leaning forward to get her mouth near Jisung's ear. She smelled of alcohol and raspberry lip gloss. “Just relax and feel the music.”

Her hands draped around Jisung's neck, and she felt the burn of her cheeks and her ears. She couldn't help but miss Felix and the way she would always get right up in Jisung's space when they danced- hips moving in sync, skin sticky with sweat. But Hyunjin's proximity and praise still had her stomach swooping. She wasn't cut out for this.

Jisung tried to turn her brain off, she really did. With her arms flapping uselessly, she reached out to hold onto Hyunjin's waist so her floaty top tickled against her fingers. As the beat reverberated up through the soles of her shoes, she followed Hyunjin's lead and moved to the music.

But any semblance of disassociation she'd managed was stripped away when she caught sight of Felix and Changbin over Hyunjin's shoulder.

Felix's back was pressed to Changbin's front as they swayed together, his hands on her hips and one of her arms thrown over her shoulder to hook around his neck.

Jisung's overheated skin flashed hotter and then cold as her sweat made goosebumps prickle along her arms.

They were kissing, of course, and the flash of tongues had something warm and sickly coiling in her belly.

Hyunjin's knuckles dragged against the side of her neck as she repositioned her hands, and Jisung gasped at the contact- body drawing tight and vision blurring.

She had no idea what her body was doing. She felt dizzy and sick. It was too hot. She never should have had the jungle juice.

“Bathroom,” she shouted over the music, extracting herself from Hyunjin's hold and pushing her way through all the bodies in the direction of the kitchen.

She just needed to be anywhere else.

The bright light in the kitchen made her squint, but at least it had her feeling slightly more grounded- less like she was going to take off and float away in the spinning rainbow lights that had been shining, distorted, over the walls.

With a somewhat overinflated sense of determination, Jisung made her way past a clump of frat bros to the fridge where she found a bottle of water. Gratefully, she twisted the cap and chugged down half of it in one go.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. She was fine.

“Yeah, it's way too warm in here,” came a voice to her left. “I'm regretting the hoodie.”

Jisung whipped around to find Seungmin propped against the counter, beer in hand and a self-deprecating smirk on his face.

Slumping back against the cabinets across from him, Jisung relaxed. Somehow, there was no one she'd rather have run into at that precise moment in time. He was safe and comfortable and nothing about his presence made her want to drown out the anxiety in her chest with an ill-advised amount of alcohol. Because he didn't inspire any personal turmoil or overwhelming emotion.

God, that was a relief.

“Take off the hoodie,” she suggested, tipping another quarter of the water into her mouth so the plastic bottle crackled in her grip.

“I don't have anything on underneath it,” he informed her, and Jisung nearly sprayed water out her nose as she choked on a laugh and fought for her life trying to swallow before she made a mess.

It wasn't that funny. It wasn't meant to be funny at all, actually. But the euphoria of escaping whatever had happened in the living room to be standing with Seungmin in a well-lit kitchen talking about his clothing choices hit her hard enough that she was bent at the waist and nearly crying with laughter.

“Are you okay?” Seungmin asked, looking partially concerned for her well-being and sanity even as his lips tipped up in response to her amusement.

“I'm so good,” Jisung finally managed, dabbing at the moisture below her eyes delicately so her mascara wouldn't smudge. “You live here, right?”

Seungmin's brows jumped at the sudden question before he nodded.

Jisung was talking before she could even finish forming the thought.

“We should go up to your room and have sex.”

It was Seungmin's turn to nearly choke on his drink, and Jisung was very patient as he swallowed and tried to gather himself.

“Are you serious?”

She nodded. She was, actually.

Why drag it out and wait for some miracle? Why put herself through the mess of emotions and insecurity?

Seungmin was here. She liked him as a person. Why not?

If this was all it took to lose her virginity, maybe she'd been more in control than she'd thought. And control sounded really good right then.

Seungmin stared at her for another beat, eyes wide and lips parted like he was expecting her to laugh any second, before he blinked. Nodded. And gestured for her to follow him up the stairs.

Jisung hadn't ever been upstairs at a frat before. The upperclassmen she'd maybe kind of almost dated freshman year had never even invited her up to his room. She hated how that still stung, despite realizing what a prick he'd been. It was like he'd been holding her at arm's length, testing her in some way she couldn't quite figure out. And then she'd obviously failed that test somehow.

As she carefully teetered up the steps in Felix's platforms, she forcibly pushed those thoughts from her mind.

The thumping bass was the only sound that bled through the floor once Seungmin led her into his room and shut the door behind them. Posters of baseball teams Jisung couldn't name covered the walls and a neat stack of books was pushed to the corner of the desk with a closed notebook sitting beside them. His laundry seemed confined to the hamper and the trash looked to have been emptied recently.

Honestly, it was better than she'd been expecting from a bedroom in a fraternity, but considering what she knew about Seungmin, it wasn't altogether surprising.

It would be an acceptable room to lose her virginity in, she decided. And then felt an uncomfortable lurch in her stomach at the thought which she resolutely ignored. She didn't need to make this a big deal. People had sex every day, and it was fine. Felix had sex, and she never seemed to overthink it.

Jisung was so tired of being left behind.

Seungmin set his beer, still unfinished, down on his desk, and Jisung wondered if she should take off her shoes now or wait. Wait for what? She didn't quite know, but it felt too eager to be taking anything off when Seungmin hadn't made a single move. Even if it was just her shoes.

As hesitantly as Jisung felt, Seungmin stepped toward her- eyes on her face like he was reading her expression for a sign of what he should do next. Not like she knew. But when he stopped in front of her and she tipped her head up (just a little since she was still in four inch heels), they both moved in for a kiss.

Just like the short peck they'd shared during truth or dare at Felix's urging, Jisung didn't feel anything beyond the warm press of lips. But it wasn't unpleasant. It was almost kind of nice as she let herself be led to kiss back, tongues brushing gently and pulling a little sigh from Seungmin's throat.

After a moment, he pulled back- lips pink and eyes bleary as he blinked at her.

“Should we…move to the bed?”

“I should take my shoes off,” Jisung said, and he nodded, stepping back to give her space.

She could have perched in his desk chair to gracefully unbuckle the ankle straps, but apparently she would rather struggle, because she ended up crouched awkwardly on the floor trying not to tip over or flash Seungmin as she unfastened the buckles.

Face hot, Jisung stood up when she was done and joined Seungmin where he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I've never done this before,” she blurted out, unable to keep it in any longer.

Truthfully, she'd been hoping to fake her way through the whole act, but as her pulse sped up in her throat, she realized that she wasn't smooth enough to pull something like that off.

“Sex?” Seungmin asked, and Jisung nodded, fighting back the urge to bite back with no, sitting on someone's bed. “Me neither.”

Jisung was surprised enough that she turned to stare at his profile before she'd even absorbed his words.

After a second of silence, Jisung huffed out a little laugh. “The blind leading the blind, then.”

Seungmin's chuckle had some of the tension in Jisung's shoulders abating. “Pretty much.”

“Are you sure you-?”

“Yeah, I didn't mean I- yeah,” Seungmin nodded, glancing at her out if the corner of his eye. “Are you…?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed, determined to see this through.

Maybe neither of them knew what they were doing, but at least he wasn't going to judge her for her lack of experience. Or compare her performance to anyone else's.

She blew out a breath and twisted to face him.

It was easy to resume their kiss from there, and Jisung held onto Seungmin's nape as she lowered herself back on his bed so he followed. She may not have done this before, but she knew that laying down was a good first step. They probably needed to get undressed as well.

Impatiently, Jisung pushed at the hem of Seungmin's sweatshirt so it bunched at his waist. He took the hint- sitting back on his knees to pull the fabric over his head and toss it in the direction of his desk chair.

Jisung was actually pretty impressed when it landed across the seat.

When he hovered over her again to connect their lips, his palm slid up her thigh. Not high enough to reach her underwear, but high enough that his wrist was rucking up the material of her skirt.

How much time was meant to be spent on foreplay? The thought of slowly undressing and gently exploring each other's bodies like they did in the movies made her want to crawl out of her skin.

No, she needed to focus. That probably wasn't what Seungmin had in mind either. This wasn't a romantic endeavor. It was a means to an end.

Fighting shyness, Jisung sat up and wriggled her dress up and over her head before hastily smoothing down her hair. Her skin prickled with Seungmin's eyes on her body, covered only in a strapless bra and a black thong. She hoped he liked what he saw.

She also hoped he didn't want to spend too long admiring her, either.

“Is it too cold?” he asked, pulling his eyes away from her modest cleavage to her face.

Despite the goosebumps, she wasn't actually cold. The heat from the mass of bodies downstairs had even the second floor feeling warm. She shook her head, wondering what was next.

“Do you have a condom?”

She should have asked earlier. It wasn't like she had one. But they were in a frat house. Surely someone had one. Though the idea of Seungmin putting his shirt back on to go ask one of his frat brothers for one made her want to die.

“Yeah,” he answered, climbing out of bed to open the bedside table drawer and pull out a single condom along with a bottle of lube.

Jisung wanted to be offended that he thought she needed lube, but…she probably did need lube. She wasn't wet in the slightest, and with the way she was already overthinking every step, she couldn't see that changing too drastically.

“Should I-?” he asked, hands on the button of his jeans. Jisung nodded.

As Seungmin stepped out of his jeans, Jisung could see the press of his half hard erection against his underwear. Even though she knew it was going to be inside her, she hastily looked away.

“Come here,” she managed, looking at Seungmin's flushed face instead.

He was careful when he climbed back onto the bed to hover over her. With burning cheeks, Jisung parted her knees so he could fit between them. She gasped when the bugle in his boxers pressed against the crotch of her underwear.

They were kissing again, and Jisung forced her eyes closed to try to quiet her mind and focus on the feeling of Seungmin gently rocking against her.

The sensation of the fabric of her thong dragging against her clit had little zaps of sensitivity pinging through her nerves, so she focused on that more than the press of Seungmin's flat chest against hers or the scent of his cologne.

Her hands were static on the warm skin of his shoulders, and it took another minute or two before Jisung wondered if she should be doing something besides laying back and letting him kiss her.

She slid her fingers into the short hair at the nape of Seungmin's neck and felt the hitch of breath against her lips. Her other hand moved over the dip of his waist and settled against his back. Maybe he took that as an encouragement because the rock of his hips became more purposeful, pulling a tiny noise from Jisung's throat when the fully hard length of his cock pressed tight to her clit.

The friction felt nice, and Jisung let out a tremulous breath into Seungmin's mouth.

Focusing on the little bursts of pleasure between her legs, Jisung allowed Seungmin to unhook her bra and cautiously fondle her breast. She squeezed her eyes closed, jerking at the brush of his thumb against her nipple. She'd always been sensitive.

“You can…,” she offered, pushing one finger beneath the elastic of his boxers and letting the waistband snap back against his skin.

“Okay,” he answered, breathless as he sat back enough to push his underwear down his hips.

Jisung watched as his cock bobbed in front of him- the curly hair at the base mostly trimmed to submission and the tip shiny with precum. She kind of wanted to look away, but she couldn't. That was going to be inside of her. She swallowed around the flutter of unease in her chest.

People had sex every day, she reminded herself. She could too. It was fine.

Seungmin looked a little unsure as he hovered over her, and Jisung realized she had no idea what her face was doing. She probably looked anxious. That wasn't sexy. She wanted to be sexy, like Felix.

With a renewed sense of determination, Jisung reached out to slide her fist along the length of Seungmin like she'd seen in porn- porn that she'd sampled on the family computer after everyone had been in bed. Perhaps luckily, she'd realized that she didn't particularly enjoy watching men with scary-big dicks choke girls as they pushed into their throats. At least not liking it meant she didn't have the heart-racing fear of getting caught watching filth by her parents after that one time.

Seungmin seemed like a normal size. Not that she had much to compare to, but that was a relief, anyway.

The feel of him in her hand wasn't unpleasant, but it felt strange and foreign in a way that had her stomach flipping like she was on the tilt-a-whirl at the county fair. It was just warm skin, a little slick when the heel of her hand caught the tip. She breathed out and flopped back on the bed.

She could do this.

With hopefully steady hands, she pushed her thong down her thighs and wrestled it off her ankle with her knees pressed tightly together. Her heart was racing in her chest and her face felt hot even as goosebumps prickled along her arms.

“Can I-?” he asked, one hand hovering over her knee but not touching.

She nodded.

His fingers were warm when they trailed against her. She wasn't wet enough for the touch to be pleasurable, but the stimulation from the dry frotting had her clit swollen enough that she jolted at the touch.

“Hold on.”

Seungmin pulled away and she heard the click of the cap on the lube bottle as she stared at the ceiling and willed herself to keep her thighs parted despite her instinct to close them to cover herself.

When he touched her again, the slip from the lube was enough for the drag of his fingertips to elicit a buzz of warmth in her belly. Though she still felt splayed open and too raw.

A finger circled her entrance and Jisung steadily let out a breath as he breached her with one finger. She wasn't a stranger to fingers inside her- at least weekly, she had three of her own buried inside as she bit into her pillow and rubbed her clit with her other hand. But she knew she needed to relax now or else even two would hurt.

As she concentrated on breathing and the elongated shadows on the ceiling from the singular lamp on Seungmin's desk, Seungmin worked two and then three fingers into her to make sure she could take him.

Honestly, she'd been half expecting him to just try and push in, and she might not have even stopped him. But at least he had the sense to take precautions since she'd told him it was her first time.

Jisung watched as Seungmin rolled the condom down his shaft before squeezing more lube into his palm. His breath wavered as he spread the lube over his length, and Jisung marveled that anything she'd done could have possibly turned him on. She felt like she'd been as sensual as a wadded up washcloth.

Seungmin swallowed, leaning forward to brace himself with one hand over her shoulder. “Is it-?”

Nodding, Jisung did her best to relax as she felt the latex covered tip brush against her entrance. She could do this. And then she could tell Felix all about it tomorrow and be the one with the story for once.

When Seungmin breached her entrance, she gasped and fought against the instinct to tense up and reject the intrusion.

“Is it okay? Should I stop?” Seungmin worried, pausing partway in with his brows drawn down in concern and face shadowed with the lamp's light blocked by his shoulder.

“Keep going,” she instructed. She didn't come this far just to back out. And while it hurt, it wasn't awful. It was more of a light sting and a general discomfort than anything.

Seungmin still looked apprehensive, but he did as she said and continued to press forward until he was fully sheathed inside of her.

Jisung blew out a breath before slowly bringing air back into her lungs and then out again. In, out. In. Out.

Gradually, her body relaxed. It didn't feel good to have Seungmin buried inside her, but she wasn't in pain.

Maybe once he moved, she would start to feel something.

“You can move,” she told him, determined.

He peered down at her, cheeks flushed and eyes searching hers. Jisung forced herself to hold eye contact. She appreciated his concern for her comfort, but she needed him to just get on with it.

Bending her legs, Jisung bracketed Seungmin's hips with her knees as he started to gently rock into her. It still felt kind of strange, but each movement had her body acclimating to the sensation of having him inside her.

If she really concentrated on it, she could feel just the tiniest buzz of pleasure.

She had her hands resting on Seungmin's shoulders, and while it was easy enough to just arch her back and let him do all the work, she didn't feel sexy at all just laying there.

It was probably inevitable that she thought of Felix.

I really like being on top, she'd said that night in the pool. It just feels so sexy to have the freedom to move how you want to, how it feels good, and also see, like, how that makes your partner feel good too, you know?

“Lemme try on top,” Jisung blurted out, watching Seungmin's gaze focus on her face as he stilled.

“Does it hurt like this?” he asked, looking prepared to fling himself to the other side of the bed if she said yes.

“No,” she assured him, almost wanting to laugh at the relief that had him nearly deflating on top of her. “I just want to…see what it's like.”

“Okay,” he agreed, pulling out of her with a grimace that Jisung mirrored because that felt even weirder than him putting it in. “We can change back if you want to.”

Jisung nodded, appreciating his flexibility, but currently determined to embody Felix and her sexual prowess. She could already see it in her head- Felix writhing on top of someone with her head tipped back and her hands braced on their chest. A frisson of arousal coursed through her as she pushed herself up and straddled Seungmin's hips, not making direct eye contact with him or his dick.

She was grateful when Seungmin helped to hold his length at the right angle for Jisung to sink onto it slowly. The burn was back now that they'd changed positions, but with her eyes squeezed tightly and the ghost of Felix behind her eyelids, Jisung breathed through the discomfort until she felt bold enough to move.

Shifting slightly, she imagined Felix doing the same. Carefully, she lifted herself up before dropping back down, picturing the movements in her mind's eye. With a roll of her hips, she heard Seungmin's tight exhalation and let that bolster her shaky confidence.

Finding a gentle rhythm, Jisung watched the movie in her mind's eye. Honestly, she wasn't getting much pleasure, even as she clenched tightly with every rock of her hips, but the Felix who mirrored her movements did.

Jisung found herself letting out a breathy moan when Felix's full lips parted to voice her enjoyment. Felix tilted her head back so her hair fell across her shoulders, and Jisung shivered at the feel of her hair tickling her skin. Jisung arched her back and watched Felix's body curve sensuously to match. Felix's brows drew together as she bit her lip, chasing her pleasure, and Jisung's teeth dug into the chapped skin of her lower lip in turn.

Like magic, everything she did was sensual, and she felt sexier than she ever imagined she could be. Could it be this easy? Was this what Felix did?

No, surely not. Felix knew how to navigate the world innately- something that had never come easily to Jisung. Felix could be alluring with just the flutter of her lashes or a flip of her hair. No doubt sex came naturally to her too. But Jisung didn't have it in her to be jealous because she was able to access that easy sensuality by osmosis.

In her mind, Felix's breasts trembled with a stuttered breath, rosy nipples peaked and perfect. Jisung felt a surge of heat as she clenched around Seungmin, and she flushed to hear the slick sound of her own arousal- her own body finally catching up and doing the job the lube had been tasked with.

Seungmin's hands were on her waist, tightening every time she moved like he couldn't help it, as he panted and seemed to be trying to bite back any sounds that tried to escape his lips.

Cracking her eyes open and squinting even from the warm light of the lamp, Jisung regarded Seungmin beneath her- flushed all the way down his chest with sweat beading on his upper lip and the muscles in his neck taut.

He blew out a tight breath, eyes fluttering closed before he forced them open to meet her gaze.

“I'm really close,” he breathed, jaw clenching as his hips twitched upwards to meet her movements.

Relief trickled through Jisung's limbs until her fingertips nearly buzzed with it. She'd managed to perform well enough that Seungmin was going to find his end with her. The looming threat of leaving him unsatisfied and disappointed diminished as his fingers dug into the flesh of her waist.

Tightening around him as much as she could, Jisung was nearly startled at the sudden moan he let out as he bucked upwards and came into the condom inside her.

She hadn't realized just how much she'd feared not being a good sexual partner. Seungmin's obvious enjoyment of her body and whatever prowess she'd managed to fake had relief suffusing through her quickly enough that she nearly slumped onto his chest like a puppet with her strings cut.

Gingerly, she raised herself up so he slipped out of her with a wet noise that had her wincing in embarrassment and mild disgust. Again, as her body clamped down around the sudden nothing inside her, she wondered if it would always feel so strange.

“Wait, sorry,” Seungmin babbled, face flushed and bangs sticking to his forehead. “Let me…”

Jisung opened her mouth to politely turn him down, but she stopped. Even if she wasn't really turned on enough to care whether she came or not, she thought maybe she ought to at least try.

She'd never orgasmed at someone else's hand before, and doing so was kind of part of the whole sex experience. After coming this far, she might as well try.

Jisung nodded, laying down awkwardly as Seungmin scrambled to sit up and remove the condom from his flagging length. She couldn't help but watch as he carefully tied it off before climbing from bed to discard it inside a tissue into his waste basket.

That wasn't sexy. She needed to try to get back into the headspace she'd been in when she'd been grinding on top of him.

Already, the memory had her cheeks heating in embarrassment as she imagined herself doing everything she'd previously pictured Felix doing.

Seungmin settled against her side, body pressed right against hers so they both could fit on the twin mattress, and hesitantly traced a line below her bellybutton until he reached the edge of her pubic hair.

It was easy to close her eyes then- needing to block everything out in order to concentrate on the pleasure her body was trying to give into.

She was wet enough now, at least, from the lube and her own tentative arousal, so the slide of Seungmin's fingers against her made her gasp at the heightened sensation.

Was she just meant to lay there? Now that he'd come, she didn't need to think about putting on a show or being sexy, but just laying there like a slab of meat on a butcher's block didn't seem right either.

Instinctively, Jisung pictured Felix in her position just as she had before. Felix probably could just lay there and look sexy, but that wasn't the point. Jisung knew she wasn't Felix.

“Do you want my fingers inside or…?” Seungmin asked, voice right beside her ear so his breath moved the baby hair by her temple.

She hesitated. Often, she got off with her own fingers moving inside herself, but she couldn't come without the fingers from her other hand painting figure-eights against her clit. And with Seungmin in the position he was, she thought he'd probably only be able to use one hand. Rather than explain all of that, which seemed overly complicated and embarrassing to say out loud, Jisung shook her head.

“If you just-” she started, guiding his touch to her clit even as her eyes remained closed.

“Okay,” he breathed, and Jisung sucked in a breath as he began to circle her clit with a fingertip.

Now that she'd considered Felix in the same position as she was- prone, on her back with a hand between her legs- she couldn't not picture her. There she was, stamped onto the backs of Jisung's eyelids with her head thrown back and her breasts (which Jisung had conveniently seen in the flesh) pushed up with the arch of her back.

Shuddering, Jisung focused on the way her nerves were singing beneath the touch of Seungmin's fingers. Her own hips moved into the pressure, and Felix rocked desperately into the phantom hand that was buried between her smooth thighs.

Felix's face could be so expressive- her joy was infectious, her confusion there for anyone to see, and her rare frustration unable to be hidden despite her best efforts. In pleasure, it must have been the same. With an orgasm looming, she must have been uncontrolled and uninhibated in her enjoyment.

That was why the Felix in her mind cried out, face turning to the side with her brows drawn and her lips parted for her heaving breaths. Hands tangled in her own hair, she'd strain against the fingers that stoked her pleasure- unabashed as she chased her peak. A sheen of sweat would glistening on her face and a whimper would fall from her lips. Close, so close. So-

Jisung keened as her orgasm slammed into her and had her muscles locking tight enough that her abs burned with the strain as she rode out her release. It was quick to come upon her and quick to fizzle out, leaving her panting with sweat slicking her armpits and the small of her back. Seungmin's fingers against her clit had her wincing with oversensitivity, and it was only the dopamine rush of release that gave her the courage to tell him too much.

The muscles in her quads felt like jelly and the sticky sweat that had gathered on her skin was starting to cool as she caught her breath.

Now what? The Felix in her mind that had been so eager to perform was conspicuously quiet now.

“I should probably…” she began, trailing off ineffectually, though the way Seungmin hastily sat up and slipped from the bed indicated that her meaning had landed anyway.

Seungmin was pulling his underwear over his hips when Jisung scooted to the edge of the bed with an arm across her breasts- suddenly feeling very naked and vulnerable in the warm glow of the lamp.

Politely, Seungmin turned his back for her to dress while he stepped into his jeans.

“I can walk you back?” he offered, the suggestion turning into a question with his pitch.

Shaking her head, Jisung pulled at the hem of her dress like the short length could expose anything he hadn't already seen.

“No, it's okay “ she assured him, feeling for her necklace and adjusting the clasp so it lay at the nape of her neck. “It's so close.”

Seungmin nodded, sweatshirt back on and hands fiddling with the hoodie strings. He looked as uncomfortable as Jisung felt.

“Felix will be wondering where I am,” she explained, even though she was pretty sure they both knew that was a lie.

Felix was probably riding Changbin in the room across the hall.

Jisung felt herself flush as the picture of that flashed across her mind, unbidden.

“Okay,” Seungmin graciously agreed, letting Jisung soak in her lie. “I'll, uh, see you around?”

“Yeah, definitely “ she replied, but somehow that felt like a lie too.

When she made it back downstairs, thankfully without Seungmin at her heels, she didn't see Felix in the crush of bodies. Or Hyunjin, for that matter.

Without taking the time to really look, she traversed the clumps of people and managed to escape through the front door.

The night was cooler than was comfortable in a sleeveless dress with no tights, but Jisung barely felt the cold with the way her mind was racing, though she hugged her arms around herself instinctively at the brisk wind against her skin.

The walk to the sorority house really was close. Jisung traveled the familiar sidewalk without taking in much about her surroundings or giving a thought to her own progress. On autopilot, she let herself in the front door and ended up in her bedroom- lights off and no Felix.

Carefully, Jisung returned the shoes to Felix's half of the closet and walked down the hall to the bathroom with a waddle as though she'd forgotten how to be flat-footed after a couple of hours.

Regarding herself in the mirror, Jisung took in the flakes of mascara dusted beneath her eyes and the pink of the skin around her nose where her foundation had completely worn off.

She wasn't a virgin.

Stepping back to try to view her reflection as a whole, rather than a collection of tiny flaws, she tried to parse whether or not she could sense some intangible difference in her appearance. It was illogical, she knew, but she felt like something ought to have changed now that she'd had sex.

Still, no matter how she looked at herself, she looked no different than she had before the party or that morning when she'd stumbled into the bathroom with bleary eyes to brush her teeth before class.

Lacking anything physical to point to, Jisung tried to reach inside herself to locate the part of her that was irrevocably different. Surely something had changed, but as she sifted through her thoughts and emotions in the wake of her carnal deflowering, all she could find was a vague feeling of relief at having gotten it over with and a subdued sort of unease deep in her gut that made her feel a little ill if she focused on it for too long.

After scrubbing her face free of her disintegrating makeup and brushing her teeth to rid her mouth of the taste of alcohol, Jisung stripped off her party dress and climbed under the covers of her bed in just her sleep shirt and a fresh pair of underwear.

All she wanted was for Felix to come home and curl up at her back, but she knew Felix would stay overnight with Changbin. Shoving her cold hands between her thighs for warmth, Jisung closed her eyes and felt exhaustion turn her body to putty.

Tomorrow Felix would be back, and tomorrow she could tell her all about her first time. Until then, it was almost like it hadn't even happened but for the slightest ache between her thighs.

<<<

February 2002

Jisung's head was spinning as she hastily made her way down the hall, sneakers squeaking on the scuffed linoleum. She felt woozy- not like when she was drunk or that time she almost fainted during a choir concert in elementary school. Her balance wasn't actually impaired, but she felt like she couldn't see with the spinning she could feel inside her skull.

Wrenching the bathroom door open, she practically careening across the dingy tile floor and threw herself into the last stall- lock clicking into place.

Her bag hit the ground with a thump, and she was too busy fighting the sting of tears behind her eyes to worry about how dirty the bathroom floor was. With a trembling breath, she plopped down on the toilet seat and cradled her head in her hands.

Despite how desperately she wanted to keep from crying, Jisung let out a muffled sob into her hands as tears cascaded down her cheeks. She was so stupid. How could she have forgotten?

The bathroom door opened, and Jisung bit her lips and tried to slow her breathing so whoever had come in wouldn't hear her hyperventilating.

“Jisung?”

Frozen with panic, Felix's familiar voice slowly trickled into her consciousness.

“Felix?”

Footsteps across the floor and Felix's platform sneakers underneath the stall door.

“Sung? Are you okay? What happened?”

A valid question considering she'd just run out of the lecture hall in the middle of class, but how did Felix know she was in here? She wasn't in her lit class.

Jisung stood to open the stall door, and Felix slipped in like cramming herself into a tiny public bathroom with her crying roommate was the most normal thing in the world.

“How'd you know I was in here?” Jisung managed between gasping breaths.

“I was on my way back from office hours with my history professor, and I saw you,” she explained. “What's going on? What can I do?”

Tears sluicing down her cheeks, Jisung shook her head.

“It's stupid,” she deflected. “I'm stupid.”

“That's definitely not true,” Felix told her, squatting down in front of the toilet to run her thumbs under Jisung's eyes.

“I am,” Jisung argued back, lower lip trembling pathetically even as she tried to stop crying. “I completely forgot the reading for my class, and the teacher gave us a pop quiz. I couldn't answer a single question.”

Despite herself, Jisung shook with another sob as shame washed over her anew.

“That's okay, it happens,” Felix soothed, rubbing her back in slow, warm circles. “Everyone forgets things sometimes. I'm sure you aren't the only one in your class who wasn't ready for the quiz.”

“I just feel like such a failure,” she admitted, voice shaky as she tried to draw in a breath. “I don't think I've ever gotten a zero on anything in my life. And what if it pulls my grade down too much? I can't afford to retake the class over the summer. My parents will kill me.”

Felix was making hushing sounds, one hand still on her back and the other stroking her hair.

“A quiz isn't going to do that much damage, don't worry,” she assured her, eyes gleaming under the buzzy fluorescent lights. “I know your grades are always good, my little genius. You'll more than make up for this quiz, I promise.”

Everything Felix said made sense, but it was hard to stop catastrophizing.

“And for the record, I have definitely gotten a zero on a pop quiz before, and I ended up with a B in that class, so.”

Felix's little chuckle at her own expense had Jisung cracking a watery smile as she scrubbed at her cheeks to wipe away her tears.

“We'll study together for mid-terms,” Felix promised, squeezing Jisung's knee and offering a smile. “Not that you need my help.”

“Thanks,” Jisung whispered, too embarrassed at her breakdown to speak properly. “Sorry, I'm being ridiculous. I'm too-”

“You're not,” Felix tsked, cupping Jisung's face in her palms as she stood up so she was bent over to look Jisung in the eye. “You're not too anything, okay?”

Jisung nodded, cheeks warm beneath Felix's hands and pushing back the insane notion that Felix was about to lean in to kiss her or something.

“Let's go get pastries at the café in the library,” Felix suggested, helping Jisung to stand as well and not making a move to kiss her. Obviously.

And Jisung wasn't disappointed because that would have been crazy.

She was just lucky to have Felix as a best friend.

>>>

It was past ten the next morning when Felix let herself into their room and kicked her heels off at the door. Jisung was half-asleep, having been dozing off after waking and checking the time shortly before.

“Sorry,” Felix whispered when she saw Jisung looking at her, bleary-eyed, from beneath her blanket.

“‘M'awake,” Jisung mumbled, rubbing her eyes and belatedly remembering everything that had happened the night before. “Have stuff to tell you.”

“Yeah?” Felix prompted, giving up on whispering as Jisung scooted up until she was propped against her headboard.

Suddenly, with Felix in front of her and the stark light of day seeping in between the crack in the curtains, Jisung felt her stomach twist with nerves at having to explain her impulsive behavior and the lackluster result. She'd wanted to be able to share her experiences like Felix did, but this was nothing like that.

“I…slept with Seungmin,” Jisung told her, voice feeling too loud, though she was pretty sure she'd spoken in nearly a whisper.

“What!?” Felix shrieked- voice actually too loud for a Saturday morning in a sorority house.

Despite the unease making her fingertips buzz, Jisung couldn't stop the snort at Felix's aborted attempt to pull her top over her head- the material bunched around her shoulders and nearly blocking her mouth as she gaped at Jisung.

With renewed fervor, Felix yanked the material off and stepped out of her skirt to properly stare Jisung down.

All the exposed skin had her mind drifting to the images she'd conjured the night before, and Jisung felt her cheeks burn. She averted her eyes before Felix could unhook her bra.

“You slept with Seungmin?” she demanded, question momentarily muffled as she pulled a sweatshirt over her head. “I thought you didn't like Seungmin like that.”

“I don't,” Jisung admitted, watching while Felix stepped into a pair of soft shorts before making her way over to Jisung's bed.

“Okay, start at the beginning,” Felix requested, hopping onto the foot of her mattress and bouncing as she got herself comfortable. “How did you end up having sex with Seungmin?”

Jisung shrugged, feeling silly under Felix's unflinching attention. “I just decided to.”

“You just decided you were gonna sleep with Seungmin?”

Nodding, Jisung shrugged again.

“Why?”

It wasn't said with judgment as much as sheer bewilderment, which was fair. Jisung wasn't entirely sure how she'd made the leap either.

Well, she was, but it seemed extremely stupid in the daylight.

“I was just…sick of being a virgin, I guess,” Jisung muttered, unable to make eye contact. Instead she picked at a loose thread on her comforter. “It's stupid.”

“It's not stupid,” Felix told her, hand warm on her shin through the blanket. “I mean, being a virgin isn't a bad thing, but if you wanted to have sex, that's your prerogative.”

“Yeah…”

“Was it any good?” Felix asked gently, still petting against her leg. “You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to though.”

Jisung almost laughed. Half her motivation to have sex at all had been so she would have something to tell Felix. Of course that was looking less shiny in the daylight as well.

“Um…” she hedged, not quite sure how to answer that question. “I don't really have anything to compare it to…”

“Well, did you enjoy it?” Felix prompted, always patient, even when Jisung was counting on her to pull information out of her.

“It was…”

This was the problem. She hadn't hated it. And she'd come. So that alone would make it seem like she'd enjoyed it. But the fact of the matter was that no, she hadn't enjoyed it. She wasn't racing to do it again. And she had no idea how she was meant to face Seungmin when the whole thing had been her idea, but she didn't want to even think about a repeat performance.

“Not really,” she finally admitted, glancing up at Felix's face long enough to catch the concern in the slope of her brows before she directed her attention back to her lap. “It wasn't awful. Seungmin was a gentleman about it. But…no. I don't think I really enjoyed it.”

Suddenly, she wanted to cry, and she wasn't even sure why.

“That's okay!” Felix assured her, voice full of warmth. “My first time was pretty much a disaster. It'll get better.”

“I don't want to have sex with him agai-”

“I didn't mean with Seungmin, specifically,” Felix interrupted, chuckling kindly. “Just in general. I think almost everyone ends up at least a little disappointed after their first time.”

Even now, she was the inexperienced one. After all that, Felix was still the one imparting her wisdom.

“Did you get to come, at least?” Felix asked after a second before hastily adding, “you don't have to tell me. I know I tend to, like, overshare, but don't feel like you need to-”

“Yeah,” Jisung interrupted, cheeks hot. “I did.”

It felt good to share, even if it was embarrassing. It was cathartic, almost.

“He, uh- with his hands, after,” she went on ineloquently. “But I had to close my eyes and think about something else to…finish.”

Please don't ask what I thought about.

“Don't worry,” Felix said to her, gazing at her warmly when Jisung got the courage to look. “I've done the same thing so many times. Even with people I've liked having sex with. Sometimes you just need a little extra. That's totally normal.”

Jisung nodded, honestly feeling better about the whole thing already. Talking about it didn't make the sex any better, but at least she knew she wasn't alone in how she'd felt. And knowing that she could now relate to something Felix experienced that she hadn't been able to before had a satisfying warmth taking root in her chest. It was, at least, a balm on the whole ordeal.

She bit her tongue against asking Felix what it was she'd thought about those times.

“Do you want to go get breakfast? We can go off campus, even. My treat.”

“Is that the consolation prize for disappointing sex?” Jisung asked with a snort, choosing not to take Felix's offer as pity.

“It's customary, yes,” she confirmed seriously before breaking into a smile that Jisung was helpless to return.

Chocolate chip waffles really did make things better. But more than that, Felix's company made it hard to stew in the icky feelings that had followed her home from the party.

With Felix's ankle hooked beneath hers under the table, she could almost forget everything.

---

“No way,” Jisung exclaimed, taking another gulp of her vodka and lemonade before slouching back against her bedframe. “There's no way that can be true.”

“It is!” Felix insisted, sitting across from her on the floor of their room with her back against her own bed. “Neither of them could find the hole, so they just gave up on having sex!”

Jisung let out a hysterical cackle that was louder than it might have been if she and Felix hadn't already had three drinks each. Both of them having only afternoon classes on Wednesdays allowed them the opportunity to fully embrace Tipsy Tuesdays.

But instead of going out to a party like a lot of their classmates would (the sound of heels on the sidewalk outside the windows would continue consistently until at least four in the morning), they'd started the tradition of staying home to drink and talk and lounge around in their sweats comfortably. Sometimes they were joined by a few of their sorority sisters, but it was often just the two of them. And Jisung had to admit that her favorite Tuesdays had been just her and Felix- tipsy, giddy, and completely at ease.

“How did she not know where her own vagina was?” she wheezed through her laughter.

“Sex ed is abysmal,” Felix told her seriously. Though they both broke into peals of giggles after holding eye contact.

“No, seriously though,” Jisung added once she'd gotten herself under control. “My health teacher in high school made us fill out a worksheet telling him whether or not we were waiting for marriage. Fucking pervert.”

“Yuck,” Felix agreed. “Mine didn't teach us shit, but at least we didn't have to reveal our private info like that.”

“I think I lied and said I was waiting for marriage just so he wouldn't comment on it, in case that was his plan,” Jisung mused, finishing off what was in her cup and passing it back to Felix to refill when she reached for it. “And hey, now I've officially made sure that isn't true.”

“Cheers to that,” Felix said, handing her back her drink and tapping her own plastic cup against Jisung's.

They both drank.

“Sorry it wasn't good,” Felix said after pouring more vodka into her cup.

Jisung shrugged. Somehow she didn't really care. It wasn't as though she'd been expecting it to be particularly enjoyable. Her aim hadn't been pleasure, it had been getting the deed over with. Which she had.

“What would have made it better, do you think?” Felix asked, cheeks flushed from the alcohol and eyes focused intently on Jisung's face. “If you know what you want, you can make sure you get it next time.”

The idea of next time was more distressing than reminiscing on how the first time had gone. Maybe because she couldn't imagine it being much different than it had been. She felt like, even if she found another guy to sleep with, she would be left equally as unsatisfied and unbalanced.

“I don't know, honestly,” she admitted, feeling too emotionally exposed to meet Felix's eyes. “Someone I have feelings for, to start.”

“That would definitely help,” Felix agreed, falling quiet for just a moment before continuing. “What kind of fantasies do you have?”

Jisung nearly spit out the mouthful of her drink she was preparing to swallow.

“I know fantasies aren't always a reflection of, like, what you want in reality, but it can be a good place to start,” Felix explained, sounding remarkably calm and logical despite the swirling mess of Jisung's brain at the question. “If you aren't sure what you want.”

Nodding, Jisung took another sip to stall. Already she felt the itch to spill all her secrets- it was a combination of the alcohol and Felix's sparkling eyes in the lamp light. But the sober part of her mind was still holding back, unwilling to offer up the most vulnerable and embarrassing parts of her mind so easily.

Felix looked at her imploringly.

“It's too embarrassing,” Jisung whined, curling her legs in front of herself and letting her skull rest against the edge of her mattress. She wasn't even thinking clearly enough to have anything specific in mind, but she knew that no matter what she settled on, she would be mortified tomorrow morning when she remembered admitting it out loud.

“Okay, I'll trade you,” Felix offered with a confident little smirk as she set her cup down on the floor to lean forward. “I tell you one of my fantasies and you tell me one of yours.”

Jisung whimpered in anticipation of having to voice her private little musings, but she already knew that she was going to agree. Now that the offer was there, she needed to know what Felix was going to say.

“Okay,” she hesitantly agreed, hugging her knees to her chest and watching as Felix's smirk pulled into an eager grin. “You go first.”

“Alright,” Felix allowed, sitting back comfortably like the idea of spilling her sexual fantasies wasn't intimidating at all.

Jisung realized her heart was racing, and she tried to take a deep breath to slow the thunder of her pulse.

“I've always wanted to…be more in control during sex,” Felix mused, only the light dusting of pink on her cheeks betraying any shyness she might have been feeling.

Jisung, on the other hand, knew her face was burning just from listening.

“Like telling my partner not to come yet,” Felix went on, and Jisung did her best to muffle the gasp that tried to escape at the admission. “And when they're allowed to.”

Black began to crowd the edges of Jisung's vision. She wasn't about to pass out, was she?

“Your turn,” Felix announced as though she hadn't taken a cleaver and sliced clean through Jisung's brain.

Vision starting to swim, she tilted to the side to bury her face in the pillow she'd knocked off her bed. Her heartbeat was in her throat, and she could feel her pulse all over her body. The whimper she let out felt like it was pulled straight from her gut.

The opening was right there, but she couldn't. She was going to die of embarrassment.

“Sung!” Felix laughed, scooted across the floor to dig her fingers into Jisung's shoulders. “You scammed me!”

“It's too embarrassing!” she wailed, fabric muffling her shrill pitch.

“It isn't,” Felix insisted. “I won't judge you, I promise, okay? Seriously, anything you say, I've probably at least thought about before.”

That was even worse somehow- having to picture Felix considering all the depraved things Jisung had fantasized about with her hand between her legs.

“What you said,” she mumbled, fingertips going numb with the way she was gripping the pillow to her face, “except the opposite way.”

Felix made a little humming noise, and Jisung burned- too scared to look up to meet Felix's eyes.

“See? That wasn't so bad,” Felix encouraged, patting Jisung on the shoulder and making her skin tingle.

Another pathetic sound breathed directly into the pillow was the best she could manage, but after a little more coaxing and perhaps the last drink she'd had making its way to her bloodstream, she finally sat back up.

Felix was looking at her with her big, shining eyes like she was waiting for Jisung to elaborate.

She sighed, stalling and making sure Felix knew exactly how put out she was.

“I just…overthink a lot,” she muttered, gaze everywhere except Felix's face. “So I think it would be nice to not have to think at all.”

A glance back in Felix's direction revealed her nodding like she understood. It made Jisung feel a little braver.

“And, like, with Seungmin, I felt like I was going down a checklist of what needed to be done to, uh, complete the task at hand, but that's not sexy,” she explained, feeling lighter already just from confiding in someone. In Felix. “I don't even want to have sex again if it's gonna be like that.”

“Of course not,” Felix agreed, brows sloped with sympathy as she reached across to squeeze Jisung's knee comfortingly. “It doesn't need to be like that. And it makes so much sense that you'd want to find a way to let your brain rest. I'm sure you can find someone to help make that happen for you.”

Jisung wasn't so confident, but she felt warm all over to be understood.

“Okay, my turn,” Felix announced when Jisung didn't manage anything beyond a half-hearted nod in response. “Let's see…”

Was she having trouble coming up with another fantasy or struggling to choose just one? The idea of the latter had Jisung's pulse fluttering in her throat as she dug her fingernails into the low pile carpet.

“I've always wanted to watch someone masturbate,” Felix said, and Jisung felt that like a physical blow to her chest- like the adrenaline spike had her heart beating so hard it rattled her ribcage.

“You haven't done that?” Jisung asked instead of trying to pick apart the knots in her stomach.

“No, have you?” Felix fired back playfully.

“No,” Jisung was quick to clarify, heat scorching down her neck. “It just seems…easy to accomplish. I mean, everyone does…that. So…”

God, she needed to shut up. Why was she asking follow up questions? That wasn't part of the deal. And the whole point was for Jisung to figure out what she was looking for in a sexual encounter- not for her to gather nuggets of info about her best friend's sex life like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter.

Fortunately, Felix didn't seem put out by Jisung's curiosity.

“No, I guess it just never felt like the right time to ask,” she mused with a little shrug. “Like, stop touching me and go sit over there so I can watch you get off.”

Jisung swallowed, fumbling for the water bottle she kept on her bedside table. Why was her mouth so dry? Fuck, her hangover was going to suck so much tomorrow.

“I mean, obviously some people would be into that, but I just haven't asked, I guess.”

It seemed like Felix had always been so confident when it came to sex, so even a fleeting hint of insecurity or hesitance had Jisung wondering what else she wasn't comfortable enough to ask for.

Felix looked at her and Jisung realized it was her turn again.

“Felix!” she wailed, burying her face in her knees.

“What?” Felix laughed, fingers kneading the tense muscles of Jisung's shoulders as she curled into herself. “You already shared one thing. And I thought you decided it wasn't so scary.”

That may have been true, but that didn't mean that doing it again was going to be any less intimidating.

“What if you think I'm weird?” Jisung complained into her knees.

“I already think you're weird, and that's why I love you,” Felix told her, voice so steady and confident that it made Jisung's stomach flip. “But in this? Like I said, no way are you gonna shock me.”

Jisung sighed, soothed by Felix's kind words but still mortified.

“I guess,” she started, as though she hadn't had numerous fantasies about what she was about to say, “that I think I'd like to try…being restrained.”

Felix hummed in response, and Jisung was honestly impressed that Felix even understood her muffled mumbling.

“That's super common,” she informed her easily, no hint of judgment in her voice. “I've been handcuffed before.”

The surprise was enough to make Jisung forget she was avoiding eye contact and pop her head up to stare at Felix.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Felix replied with a flippant shrug. “It was okay.”

“I thought-”

Jisung stopped herself. She wasn't meant to be prying. And this wasn't even Felix's turn!

“Yeah?” Felix prompted, brows raised expectantly and an amused little grin on her face as she waited for Jisung to finish.

Flushing, Jisung swallowed.

“I thought you liked being in control? Or maybe not all the time. Sorry,” she floundered. “I don't know what I'm talking about.”

Felix giggled. “That's exactly why it was only okay.”

Jisung nodded, trying to tuck away all of this new knowledge about her best friend to consider later. If she let herself parse through it all now, she feared she'd have an aneurism.

“What would you want to be restrained?” Felix asked, and Jisung blinked, trying to figure out what she was talking about. “I mean like, your wrists or your feet? Or there's the whole body…what's it called? Shibari, I think.”

How could Felix just ask that like she was asking what she wanted for dinner? And why did Jisung have the answer ready, on the tip of her tongue?

“Thighs,” she blurted out, feeling shame and excitement in equal parts settle in her belly at the admission. “I'd want my thighs held open.”

Felix was watching her speak so intently that her eyes looked as dark as onyx. Jisung shivered, hypnotized into continuing.

“I want to feel like I can't close them even if it's embarrassing,” she whispered, pulse in her ears and tingles spreading to the tips of her fingers. “I want- I want to be forced to keep them open, so they can see how much I like it.”

“Fuck,” Felix rasped, eyes so shiny they nearly looked wet with tears. “That's so fucking hot.”

Jisung gasped, the room spinning as the volume of the room cut out briefly like her ears had popped.

She was so drunk, but somehow she could feel every inch of her body.

Clearing her throat, Felix blinked.

“I should not have had that last drink,” she laughed, pulling her hair out of its ponytail only to twist it up into a messy bun a second later. “I'm way too drunk.”

“Me too,” Jisung agreed, though she had to admit that the way her underwear was sticking to her had nothing to do with the alcohol.

“I'm gonna wash my face and get ready for bed,” Felix announced, pushing herself up from the floor. “We should sleep.”

Nodding, Jisung watched Felix shuffle into the hallway toward the bathroom before blowing a breath out and willing herself to get up. Her skin prickled, hot, and her heart was still galloping behind her ribs like she was being hunted.

With herculean effort, she managed to stand up from the floor and change into her fleece pajama pants and a loose t-shirt before Felix made it back.

“Oh good,” Felix remarked when she came back into their bedroom, face scrubbed clean and freshly pink. “I was worried you were going to be a blob on the floor still.”

“Rude,” Jisung sniffed, looking away as Felix casually stepped out of her sweatpants to exchange them for the soft, cotton sleep shorts she wore to bed. “I've never looked anything like a blob in my life.”

Felix giggled, the familiar sound easing some of the tension that had locked itself around her chest.

“You're right,” she snickered, shirt pulled over her head to reveal her pink bra.

Jisung focused on folding her sheets back and fluffing her pillow before Felix could unhook it and drape it over the back of her desk chair.

“More like a splatted squirrel.”

“How is that better?” Jisung demanded, eyes finding Felix again just as she slipped a tie-dyed t-shirt with a faded logo of some ski resort emblazoned on the front over her head.

“Accuracy,” Felix told her with a wink as she fell into bed in a way that reminded Jisung just how drunk they both were.

“Gonna brush my teeth,” she announced, ignoring the way Felix's sleep shirt was rucked up underneath her ribs as she stretched on top of the blankets.

By the time she came back from the bathroom, mouth tasting of mint and the baby hairs at her temples damp and sticking to her skin, Felix was already breathing deeply- bedside table lamp switched off and blankets pulled up to her chin.

Turning off the light and crawling in bed, Jisung willed herself to just fall asleep like Felix had. But no matter how tightly she squeezed her eyes closed or forced her breathing to steady, she couldn't ignore the throb between her legs.

Guiltily, she pushed her pajama pants down so they bunched up at the foot of her bed under her sheets. Pressing the flat of her hand against herself through her underwear, she couldn't stop the flex of her hips- moving into the touch. Even through the fabric, she could feel how wet she was. Biting her lip, she shimmied the sodden fabric down until she could kick it off with her discarded pants.

Only then did she pause- listening to the quiet little snores Felix only produced when she'd been drinking. It was with relief that she acknowledged that Felix was too deeply asleep to notice any extra shifting and moving she was doing. That didn't assuage her guilt for masturbating with Felix in the room, but it wasn't like it would be the first time. And she hadn't burst into flame from shame yet.

Jisung parted her legs under the blankets, bending her knees and letting the weight of the blankets press them open. She liked to pretend that they were being held open for her, as she'd admitted to Felix just before.

Embarrassment crept down her neck in a hot flush, but that didn't stop the familiar little thrill from corkscrewing in her belly when she thought about how exposed she would be with her thighs spread wide like this. Without the blanket in the way, but still.

Her fingers against her center had her letting out a tremulous breath- the touch so, so good after ignoring the ache building in between her thighs for so long. She was even wetter than she'd realized, the slide smooth and easy as she spread her arousal so it coated her folds and her clit.

Just talking about what she wanted from sex had gotten her hotter than actually having it, which was probably not the ideal, but for now, she was more concerned with satisfying the clawing need that had her in its grip trying to figure out how to change that.

Already, she was embarrassingly close- the slide of her middle finger over her clit sparking pleasure down her spine and building in her gut.

Don't come yet, she imagined someone whispering in her ear- seeing how her thighs were trembling and knowing how close she was. Hold off just a little more for me.

Biting back the gasp at the jolt of electricity that shot through her at the fabricated command, she could feel her body pulsing and clenching around nothing. Her fingers would have been good to tighten around, but she couldn't bear to leave her clit alone and she had her other hand poised in case she needed to cover her mouth. She would have to make do with nothing inside her for now.

Look at how wet you are, the voice said, sweetly condescending in the way that made Jisung burn. Dripping all over the sheets. So desperate to come for me, yeah?

She was. She needed to come so badly, she could feel tears welling in her eyes as she fought to hold her orgasm back. The words she'd imagined played back in her head as swells of pleasure rose even higher- pressing at her skin and raising goosebumps across her body.

The voice echoed again and again, words cutting just as easily into the melted butter of her mind on repeat as they had the first time. But the voice. It wasn't just any voice. It was familiar- curving around vowels and lilting in a way Jisung knew by heart.

Look how close you are, the voice cooed as Jisung began to lose hold of the control she'd been able to maintain over her body. You've been so good for me. Should I let you come for me, baby?

It was the baby that got her- the exact sound of that word that gave it away. The voice, Jisung realized, was Felix's voice. And then she came so hard she had to smack her free hand over her mouth to muffle the uncontrolled moan that tried to escape.

And god, it just kept going. She just kept coming- trembling against the sheets with her palm clamped over her lips and her fingers rubbing desperately against her pulsing clit until the jolts of pleasure started to transform into pain.

Easing her fingers away from herself, she cautiously removed her hand from her mouth and stretched her jaw with the way she'd been tightening every muscle in her body.

It was only then that the weight of the situation settled over her.

She'd just masturbated- and orgasmed- to the thought of Felix watching her and telling her when she could come.

Shame engulfed her swiftly, and Jisung finally had the presence of mind to peek across the room to make sure Felix hadn't woken up in the midst of her life-altering orgasm.

By some miracle, she was still snoring- blonde hair fanned out messily on her pillow and pink lips parted around her heavy breaths.

So that was one less thing to worry about. But it didn't negate the fact that Jisung had not only touched herself in the same room as her sleeping best friend, but also fantasized about her.

It was a weird situation, she tried to console herself. They'd been talking about fantasies, they were drunk…wires got crossed, that was all! It was completely understandable!

Of course, Felix sleeping soundly proved that she had not been similarly affected by their conversation, which made the whole thing even more humiliating, but at least she would never know what happened.

Wiping her fingers on her sheets because she'd already disappointed herself anyway, Jisung ducked under the covers to retrieve her underwear and pajama pants. When she was adequately dressed again, she cast one more look toward Felix- freckles somehow still visible in the smudgy darkness and face so serene as she slept, oblivious to Jisung's transgressions.

With Felix's soft, comforting snores paired with Jisung's heavy limbs and even heavier shame weighing on her chest, she let herself succumb to sleep- Felix's voice echoing through her dreams.

---

“Wait, you what?” Jisung gaped at Felix from her desk chair, watching as Felix dumped her messenger bag on the floor by her desk like it was any other day.

Surely she had misheard.

“We broke up,” she repeated with a little shrug, unwinding the fluffy, pink scarf she had around her neck to stave off the increasingly cold autumn air.

“You and Changbin,” Jisung clarified, as though Felix was dating anyone else she could have broken up with.

She didn't mean to beleaguer the point, but she just couldn't wrap her head around it. They were obsessed with each other, always all over each other when they were together and seemingly always smiling. Except when they were making out instead.

Felix nodded, glancing over at Jisung in confusion. Yes, Jisung knew Changbin was the only person she could have broken up with.

It just didn't make any sense.

“But I thought you liked him?” Jisung pressed, pulse picking up for seemingly no reason. Felix was her best friend, but it was as though she was going through a breakup.

Though sadness wasn't what she was feeling. Just…confusion. Because she thought she knew how Felix felt about Changbin. So why was she suddenly telling Jisung that they'd broken up like she was relaying news of an early sorority meeting- not ideal, but not the end of the world either?

“I did,” Felix confirmed. “I do. We just…realized we work better as friends.”

“I don't think friends act like the two of you…” Jisung blurted before wincing at her unnecessary observation.

A tiny flash of regret painted Felix's features before it was gone again.

“Sorry,” Jisung apologized, wondering if she should get up to give Felix a hug even though she seemed mostly okay. “I didn't mean-”

Shaking her head, Felix sat down heavily on her bed- duvet still askew from when she'd rolled out of bed for her early writing class that morning.

“I like Changbin a lot,” she said slowly, looking at Jisung like she was explaining something very important.

Jisung squirmed.

“And I'm obviously attracted to him,” she went on, bringing to mind all of the many ways Jisung had seen the two of them tangled together. “But even though we get along, it was never really all that romantic between us. It was more like…exclusive friends with benefits.”

She hadn't known that. Why hadn't she known that?

Felix had never explicitly said anything about love or romance, but with how well they got along and how much time they spent together, Jisung had just assumed. Should she have asked? Honestly, for as much as she relished in Felix confiding in her, she hadn't exactly been greedy for information about the ins and outs of her relationship.

“Why stop now?” she found herself asking, still trying to understand what Felix was telling her. For some reason, being blindsided by something like this was really bothering her. “If it was working and you were both, like, on the same page?”

For the first time since she'd started talking, Felix looked away from her- gaze fixed on the floor that stretched between them instead of on Jisung's face- and let out a little sigh.

“It just doesn't make sense to keep it up when we both know the relationship isn't really going anywhere.”

Jisung still couldn't figure out what had changed to make them break up now if they'd been happily carrying on this whole time, but she didn't want to pry.

She nodded like she understood. “Who initiated it?”

“It was mutual,” Felix told her with a finality that seemed to imply otherwise. But Jisung knew enough to shut up about it even if she still had questions.

“Are you…okay?”

The question she should have asked from the beginning. Jisung chided herself for her curiosity.

Felix's smile didn't totally reach her eyes when she looked back at Jisung.

“I'm okay “ she told her, like she was the one who needed to reassure Jisung, for some reason. Though she could admit she was being awfully weird about it. “Just a little sad. But I'll be good as new in a couple days. Don't worry.”

Nodding, Jisung considered whether or not to cross the room and give her a hug. Felix always welcomed physical affection, but she worried that, to do so, would say that she didn't trust Felix's assurance that she was fine. She didn't entirely, to be honest, but she didn't need Felix to know that.

But because Felix knew her so well, it was Felix who got up and bent down to hug Jisung in her desk chair.

“I'm here if you need anything,” Jisung uselessly told her, clinging tight around her middle like maybe her grip could make up for her inadequacy in offering proper comfort or saying the right things.

“I know, baby,” Felix murmured, sounding more morose than she had when she'd announced their breakup.

Jisung hugged her even tighter.

Despite her continued insistence that she was okay to Jisung and anyone else who asked, she climbed into bed with Jisung that night and slept curled around her like she might disappear if she didn't hold her close. But Jisung wasn't going anywhere.

---

Despite everything, Felix did seem to be mostly fine.

She'd slept in Jisung's bed for a couple of nights in a row, but that was hardly unusual for them. And aside from a slightly less bright disposition for three days at most, Felix barely let the breakup affect her at all.

Jisung hadn't ever had a proper relationship, but she imagined she'd have been a wreck after breaking up with someone she got along with as well as Felix did with Changbin, lack of romance or not. But Felix was surprising in many ways, from her deep voice to her love of video games to her beauty, which seemed impossible for any one human to possess so effortlessly. Why not add resilient in the face of a breakup to the list?

Still, when Felix suggested a trip to her parents’ house roughly two weeks later, Jisung wondered if wanting to get away from the ghost of her failed relationship was a hidden motivation. Her parents being out of town was her official selling point, but Jisung would have indulged in any of her whims if it meant helping Felix deal with everything.

Of course she wasn't going to turn down a getaway in a mansion with Felix all to herself regardless. But Felix's well-being was still at the forefront of her mind as they drove the hour from campus and dragged their suitcases into the now-familiar house.

The maid had prepared a pasta dish for them upon their arrival, and Felix had raided the wine cellar for a red that her parents wouldn't miss. Now, with their stomachs pleasantly full and with two glasses each making the edge of reality just soft enough not to hurt, they were sprawled on the plush oriental rug in the study where the turn-table was located, listening to an old jazz record that Felix insisted went perfectly with the wine.

“I used to dance around to this album when I was little,” Felix giggled, laying next to Jisung on the floor and looking over at her with bright eyes in the warmly lit room. “My mom would put it on, and I'd twirl around in my princess costume like I was a ballerina. Not exactly fitting for jazz, but what did I know?”

“You must have been so cute,” Jisung mused with a smile that had barely left her face all day. “You should show me your old home movies so I can coo over you.”

Felix laughed, body shaking and the skin around her eyes crinkling so her freckles moved and folded into themselves on her skin.

“Maybe tomorrow,” she offered, reaching out to take Jisung’s hand in her own so they lay clasped against the rug. “I don't have the patience to deal with hooking up the camcorder to the TV right now.”

Jisung hummed, satisfied by the possibility and even more satisfied by the present moment. If she could have all of Felix's attention all of the time, she'd never stop smiling. Maybe that made her selfish, but it was difficult to care when Felix's grip around her hand tightened and Jisung squeezed instinctively back.

After a moment of stillness with the sounds of the jazz quartet spilling from the speakers, Jisung turned her head to the side to find Felix already looking at her. Her eyes were liquid diamonds, sparkling impossibly in the glow of the low lights, and Jisung found herself transfixed- head feeling light and giving the sensation that she wasn't on the floor but defying gravity to rest on the ceiling.

She'd felt a little tipsy when she'd gotten up from the table to follow Felix down the hall, footsteps creaking on the polished wood floors, but that had been over a half hour ago. Since then, she'd felt herself slowly sobering up despite the lightness of her limbs as she let herself melt into the carpet.

Something about Felix's expression had her unable to look away, held still in the weight of her gaze. Maybe it was that her near constant smile was missing, though the shine of her eyes was soft as she focused on Jisung's face.

Belatedly, she realized her heart was racing- stomach tying itself in anticipatory knots even though she couldn't tell what she was waiting for. Felix's hand was so warm in hers as she moved forward, tilting her chin just enough that her lips hovered just a hair's breadth away from Jisung's. She could feel Felix's breath against her mouth even as she found herself unable to breathe.

Felix was going to kiss her. The thought should have been like a slingshot to her gut, but it settled as gently into her consciousness as a flower petal onto a placid lake- the surface of the water never broke, but the ripples spread to every edge.

Except, as Jisung felt the soft press of Felix's lips against her own, she realized that no- Felix hadn't kissed her. She'd paused, waiting, giving Jisung a chance to move away. Instead, it had been her to close the distance, unable to abide by the negligible space between them.

Sparks flashed behind her closed eyelids, and with the shiver that rolled over her skin, she imagined she could feel them too.

She was kissing Felix. She was kissing Felix. Jisung felt like she should have been freaking out. And part of her was- the part that was screaming into the suddenly vacuous space inside her skull and wondering what the hell was going on. But there was a weird calm to it too. Despite the racing of her heart. Despite the tremble of her fingers.

Felix pulled back, and Jisung blinked her eyes open to look at her cross-eyed- the light making her squint until she honed in on the question in Felix's liquid gaze. And yes. Yes, yes yes. She didn't know the specifics of what she was asking, but yes.

With Felix's hand still clasped against her palm and the ghost of her lips against her lips, Jisung would have said yes to anything. She felt drunk on their proximity even with the wine fading from her bloodstream with every second that passed.

From the moment they'd met, Jisung had wanted to be the center of Felix's world, and right then, she felt like she finally was.

Felix's lips were on hers again, and she flushed at the sound that hummed in her throat at the contact. She was melting into Felix's touch- molding into every dip and crevice- so when Felix's tongue gently touched the seam of her lips, she opened as easily as breathing.

There was no denying the zip of arousal that electrified her at the brush of Felix's tongue against her own, kiss deepening as she pulled Felix closer by the shoulder. She felt like maybe if she was close enough, her edges would blur to the point that they could fuse together right here on the floor.

What the fuck were they doing? They didn't do this. They were close- closer than Jisung had ever been with another person- but they were friends. Friends didn't make out like they would cease to exist if they parted. Friends didn't whimper at the skate of their best friend's palm against their bare hip. They'd pushed past boundaries before, but this was beyond anything Jisung could wrap her mind around.

And yet she couldn't bring herself to stop to think. Or ask Felix what the hell was going on. Because with Felix's lips sealed against hers, she couldn't find it in herself to care about anything else.

“Do you wanna go up to my room?” Felix murmured against Jisung's mouth- lips brushing against hers with every syllable.

She couldn't get her voice to work, head spinning and body tingling, but she wanted that. She wanted anything Felix wanted- anything she was willing to give.

Jisung nodded, accepting the generous kiss Felix offered her before properly pulling back to sit up and help Jisung off the floor with a firm grasp of her hand.

She felt like she was moving underwater as Felix led her out of the study and down the hall to the stairs. Wine would have been an easy culprit, but Jisung knew what alcohol did to her, and it wasn't this- this giddy, carbonated state of being that had her vision swimming even as her movements remained steady and sure.

When they stepped into Felix's room, hands still clasped, Jisung realized she had no idea what was actually going to happen between them. But with the door closed and locked behind them, the reality of what could happen finally hit her in what could have been a sobering blow. But instead, a dizzying jolt of adrenaline hit her bloodstream.

Felix's lips were on hers again before she could overthink herself into a panic, something Felix probably was aware of, and Jisung let herself get swept away in the kiss as easily as she allowed herself to be directed toward the bed and gently pushed back onto it.

The number of times she'd been in Felix's bed, either this one or her twin bed at the sorority house, was high enough that she couldn't even attempt to guess. Maybe that surreal familiarity was what was keeping her from losing her mind over the fact that she was on her back with Felix's fluffy pink duvet beneath her and Felix herself over her, pressing her more firmly into the mattress.

Felix's tongue delved into her mouth like she wanted to explore every crevice, and Jisung felt herself throb in time with her huffing breaths against Felix's lips- fingers of one hand tangled in the soft hair that had escaped Felix's ponytail while her other hand notched into the dip of Felix's waist like it was meant to be there.

If they were going to do this, Jisung wanted to be every bit as good as any of the boys Felix had been with before. She wanted to be better. Felix was her best friend and the person she cherished most in the world. She wanted to prove it.

The next time Felix had sex with some guy after this, she wanted Felix to think of her. Despite only having had sex once and never with another girl, she wanted to be the yardstick with which Felix measured all future endeavors. She wanted to be the one who mattered, in the end.

Felix's hand slid under the hem of Jisung's striped top, palm skating over the sensitive skin of her belly and hip. Her muscles jumped under the touch- the simple contact overwhelming her nerves and drawing a gasp from her throat.

“Can I?” Felix asked, voice husky in a way that was similar to the coarseness of her voice first thing in the morning but different enough to spread goosebumps across her skin.

Jisung nodded, raising her arms compliantly for Felix to remove her shirt. Briefly, she wished she'd somehow been wearing the lingerie Felix had bought her over the summer. She wanted Felix to see the lace against her skin and think she looked sexy. She wanted Felix to want her.

Since she hadn't been expecting anyone to undress her, she was just in a simple nude bra, which Felix had seen her in countless times before when she changed in their room. The sight of her in it shouldn't have been anything different, even if it felt different to have Felix's dark eyes on her when she peeled off her shirt.

But before she could feel self-consciousness under the focused attention, Felix had dipped her head to press a kiss against her sternum. And then another and another. Bra strap eased down her shoulder, Felix's mouth followed the bared skin to draw a line of kisses from her collarbone to her bicep.

Jisung felt like she had been lit on fire with the intensity of the ticklish sensation of her lips- embarrassing gasps and whimpers escaping as she writhed against the bed with every touch of Felix's lips.

“Y-you too,” she managed, grasping at the hem of Felix's shirt with shaking fingers.

Partly, it was because she didn't want to be the only one exposed. But also? She wanted to be granted access to Felix's smooth skin.

Felix, always unselfconscious, immediately sat up to yank her shirt over her head and then toss it over the edge of the bed. Unlike Jisung, she was in a fuschia bra with scalloped lace on the edges of the cups and along the straps.

“Not fair,” Jisung complained, voice coming out on a whine. “You're wearing something cute.”

Felix laughed, loud after the only sound being the hushed whimpers Jisung had been trying to hold back. She grinned down at Jisung, looking amused and so fond that Jisung's heart squeezed almost painfully in her chest.

“But you're cute, so you don't need a cute bra,” she told her with an indulgent smile, pink flushing her ears after she said it.

Jisung whined, hitting lightly against Felix's shoulder for lack of a better response. She knew she was blushing. How could she not be? But she wanted to tell Felix that she was cute too, so her argument made no sense. Except that felt like more than she could manage when she was tongue-tied, flustered, and so wet she could feel her underwear sticking to her when she shifted.

Felix's lips met hers again, and Jisung slid her hands up the warm expanse of Felix's bare back. The band of her bra was the only thing to interrupt the smooth glide of her palms, and she found herself touching the clasp without even meaning to.

“You can,” Felix breathed against her mouth, and with a start, Jisung realized that she meant Jisung could take her bra off.

Heat suffused her as she gasped, but she pinched the material with every ounce of bravery she could muster and felt it pop open under her fingers.

“One handed,” Felix giggled, pressing a kiss to the corner of Jisung's lips before tracing her nose along her jaw. “Are you sure you haven't done this before?”

“Take off a bra?” Jisung snorted, skating her hand up the unobstructed length of her spine. “Yeah, my own.”

But the laughter died on her lips when Felix sat back and let the bra fall forward, straps sliding down to settle in the bend of her elbows. And then Felix was dropping it on the floor and Jisung was met with her pert breasts and rosy pink nipples that she'd tried so hard not to look at before. But now she could look. Now she could touch?

Almost without her permission, Jisung's hand reached out to cup Felix's small breast- barely a handful, but so soft and perfect in her hold. The brush of Felix's nipple against her palm had her swallowing noisily, but not noisily enough to cover the little noise Felix made in her throat at the contact.

She'd said her nipples were sensitive. When she'd been telling Jisung about some sexual exploit or other. She told her-

Jisung rubbed the pad of her thumb against the pink peak and watched Felix tremble where she knelt above her- clamping her teeth down on her bottom lip as her brows furrowed.

She had done that. Maybe her ambitions to be better than anyone who came before her weren't so far-fetched. Jisung might not have a lot of experience to draw from, but she knew Felix.

“Hold on,” Felix croaked, brushing a stray strand of blonde hair behind her pink ear. “If you keep doing that, I'm not gonna be able to focus.”

Jisung wanted to ask what it was Felix needed to focus on that wasn't Jisung's hands on her, but then Felix's hand slid beneath Jisung's back to fiddle with the clasp of her bra.

“Can I?”

Part of her wanted to pull the duvet over her entire body, but the thought of Felix's hands on her skin was enough motivation to propel her head into a tight nod. And even the dregs of embarrassment that swirled in her belly as Felix unhooked and pulled her bra off just made her burn hotter.

“God,” Felix murmured, not shy about reaching out to fill both her hands with Jisung's B-cups. “Your tits are perfect.”

Face flaming, she was hit with the instinct to defer the compliment and assure Felix that her own boobs were more than adequate. But she had enough wherewithal to realize that might not be the type of exchange this was.

She shuddered at the drag of Felix's palms against her stiff nipples- she was sensitive too.

Then Felix's hands were gone and she was leaning down to press an open-mouthed kiss against her breast. That was the only warning she got before her lips wrapped around her nipple as her tongue swirled against the bud, and Jisung would have been embarrassed by the yelp she let out if she wasn't so busy shivering and squirming against the sheets.

It felt so good, the warm wetness of Felix's perfect lips and tongue teasing against each nipple in turn. Jisung was practically jerking against the mattress with how violently she was trembling from just that, but she couldn't help it- every nerve in her body was so alert and sensitive to Felix's ministrations.

When her dark eyes fixed on Jisung's face, chin gently resting against her sternum, Felix looked nearly as affected as Jisung felt.

“Is this okay?” she asked softly, nuzzling into her left breast a little like a cat rubbing up against someone's leg.

Jisung nodded, swallowing hard and trying to figure out how she'd even found herself here with her best friend draped across her naked torso.

“Can I touch you more?”

Nodding already, Jisung took that to mean a continuation of what she'd already been doing. But the tentative fingers on the button of her jeans quickly drove the reality of the situation home, and she felt the throb between her legs as an answer.

“Yeah,” she agreed, breathless. Because for as much as she didn't know what to think of what they were doing, let alone how to explain it, she felt like she might die if Felix stopped touching her. Every single atom of her being was focused on Felix, and her skin was buzzing like her cells were trying to get closer.

Unhindered by the tightness of Jisung’s jeans, Felix made quick work of the button and zipper before pushing them down her thighs with an eagerness that had Jisung's head spinning a little. Due to the aforementioned tightness, her underwear was dragged down with the denim, intentional or not, and Jisung felt the chill of the room kiss her bare skin before her embarrassment engulfed her in flames.

As Jisung fretted over being unshaven, unlike Felix, Felix was busy pushing her pants and underwear off her ankles to toss the material onto the floor with the rest of their clothes.

“Fuck, ‘Sung,” Felix breathed, her small, warm hands skimming over the curve of her bare hips. “You're gorgeous.”

Jisung wasn't particularly self conscious about her body in that she didn't have any major insecurities aside from little things here or there. It was the nakedness under Felix's gaze that had her squeezing her thighs tightly together and fighting against the urge to cover her chest with her arms. Still, she definitely didn't think she was gorgeous. And she might have tried to argue that Felix was exaggerating were it not for the raw appreciation in Felix's eyes as they roved over her bare form.

“Felix,” she complained instead, knees knocking together with how tightly her thighs were clenched. “If you want to just, like, look, it's only fair if you're naked too.”

Did that sound too eager? Did that make it seem like she wanted to stare at Felix's body in return? It didn't seem to matter because Felix was already undoing the button fly of her pants with a smirk pulling at her lips. But it was Felix, so the smirk wasn't unkind- more of an acknowledgement of Jisung's claim that it wasn't fair. And a willingness to remedy that.

Jisung watched as the material slid down Felix's smooth thighs- paler the further they got from summer- before her eyes got caught on the pink lace panties that perfectly matched the bra she'd already discarded.

“No fair!” Jisung exclaimed again, momentarily forgetting that she was naked. “You're wearing cute matching underwear!”

“Well, I bypassed your underwear,” Felix told her with a giggle. “So, it doesn't really matter.”

“You could have given me a heads up to wear something cute too,” she grumbled, though what would that have sounded like? Make sure to wear underwear you wouldn't mind being seen in. No reason!

“These are coming off anyway,” Felix reminded her, and then shoved them down her legs to kick off with her pants. And then she was completely bare, and Jisung felt like she couldn't swallow.

She'd caught sight of Felix in many stages of undress at various times- changing in their room at school, opening the shower curtain to grab her towel in the bathroom while Jisung was brushing her teeth, streaking that time over the summer- but she'd never looked.

Now though, with Felix kneeling over her on the bed, completely naked, Jisung couldn't stop the way her eyes trailed from Felix's clavicles to her peaked nipples to her flat tummy to the smooth lips at the apex of her thighs. She looked so soft, everywhere, despite the somewhat sharp angles of her shoulders, elbows, and hip bones. Jisung wanted to run her hands all over her body to confirm that every inch of skin was as smooth as it looked.

When her gaze made it back to Felix's face, she was flushed behind her freckles, but she didn't move to cover herself.

They were both entirely naked, together in Felix's bed. If Jisung thought too hard about it, she thought she might have an anxiety attack. Either that or soak through the sheet beneath her.

“Can I touch…?” Felix asked again, always careful to give Jisung an out no matter if it was an invitation to a party, an offer of another shot, or…this. “I want to make you feel good.”

Jisung shivered, the ache between her thighs pulsing in a way she couldn't ignore. She knew what Felix meant, and fuck, she wanted it. What it meant to want it so badly, she didn't want to dig into, but she couldn't deny that she did.

“Okay,” she answered, voice shaking and heart thundering against her ribs.

But then it hit her- how to make this better than all of Felix's other experiences.

I've always wanted to watch someone masturbate.

A spike of adrenaline, even more potent than the one unleashed at the thought of Felix touching her, coursed through her and left her fingers tingling. But she wanted to do it. She wanted Felix to never, ever forget this.

“Wait,” she said, mourning the hand that had been reaching toward her skin that paused after her request.

Felix's brows sloped with concern, likely thinking Jisung was having second thoughts. Felix knew better than anyone how often Jisung overthought her way into a change of mind. But there was little that could have had Jisung wanting to stop whatever was happening between them.

Swallowing hard and forcing every bit of bravery she had to the forefront, she brought her knees up and spread her thighs- hands shaking and cheeks so hot, she thought she could feel the pulse of her blood under her skin.

She was completely open to Felix's gaze now, knowing she must have been able to see just how wet she'd gotten from what had led to this moment. The reality of it had her dizzy, but with a stubbornness that was immovable when she'd set her mind to something, Jisung brought her right hand between her thighs and carefully slid her middle finger from her entrance to her clit.

“Oh fuck,” Felix rasped, voice deeper than Jisung had ever heard it. “Jisung.”

The gasp that escaped her lips was from her own touch against her sensitive flesh, but also from the sound of her own name dripping with awe and lust.

With a practiced motion, Jisung spread her wetness up to her clit so her finger slipped easily against it.

Felix's eyes, so dark that Jisung felt like she might fall headfirst into the stretch of her pupils and never surface, snapped briefly to her face before settling back between her legs like she'd been drawn back by a magnet.

Jisung was sure that she could feel Felix's gaze on her, filling her body with the dizzying sensation of being utterly exposed. She'd never been so mortified in her life, but that almost sick feeling of embarrassment only had her arousal bursting underneath her skin like a flame fed fresh kindling. This was so close to what she'd imagined when she touched herself under her blankets at night that she could feel her release beginning its build already.

Felix's hands against the insides of her thighs had her jerking, a shudder wracking through her as her fingers briefly lost their rhythm. The touch alone was enough to stoke her enjoyment, but when Felix pressed down gently, holding her legs open, Jisung couldn't stop the moan from rumbling in her chest.

“Is this okay?” Felix asked, eyes shining with arousal potent enough to singe her skin where he gaze rested.

“Yes,” Jisung gasped, the act of forcing coherent words through her lips a struggle with how closely she was flirting with release.

Felix had remembered what she'd said. Just like Jisung had carefully locked away the fantasies Felix had confided in her, only to utilize one when given the chance, Felix had done the same.

It was no surprise that Felix wanted to give her everything she wanted. It was Felix. That was just how she was. But this was something else entirely- something mind-bending enough that she couldn't even try to take it in when she could feel her head starting to go fuzzy with her building orgasm.

Moving her free hand between her legs, Jisung pressed two fingers inside herself and whined at the intrusion.

“Jisung, oh my god,” Felix rasped, voice sending goosebumps across her skin. “You're so sexy. Holy shit. Oh my god, fuck. Are you close?”

Jisung nodded, hair dragging against the pillowcase and probably becoming a mess of knots she'd have to deal with later.

Her body clenched around her fingers, clit pulsing under her own touch. With Felix's eyes on her sending tingles across her body, it was a wonder she was still hanging on.

“Wait,” Felix told her, eyes meeting hers even as Jisung fought to keep her lids from fluttering closed. “Don't come yet.”

The whimper Jisung let out was pathetic as she shivered and stilled her hands. If she kept going, she didn't feel confident she could hold off until Felix told her it was okay.

“Please, Lixie,” she begged, the nickname not even registering until Felix groaned- hands tightening their hold on her inner thighs.

“Move your hands away,” Felix instructed, voice wrecked, and Jisung complied despite her overwhelming need to make herself come.

But before she could mourn the loss of her own touch, Felix was shimmying back on the bed until her face was hovering right above Jisung's aching pussy.

“Fuck,” Jisung moaned, reaching out to grab Felix's shoulders before she could think to wipe her wet fingers on the sheets first.

“Can I eat you out, baby?” she asked, pink tongue tracing her full lower lip as she looked back and forth between Jisung's face and her swollen cunt with a hunger that made Jisung want to beg.

“Yes,” she sobbed, clutching Felix's shoulders like she would float away otherwise. “Yes, please. Oh my god, I-”

The feeling of Felix's tongue against her was indescribable. It was so soft and wet and warm, moving down the length of her and then back up to flick against her sensitive clit.

She let out a squeal when Felix's lips wrapped around the bud, sucking and licking against her like she was trying to pull her orgasm straight out of her.

“Felix,” she cried, hips jumping off the bed only to be pushed back down when Felix increased her pressure against her inner thighs. Even now, she was holding her open- keeping her exposed and at her mercy.

It felt like the room started to spin as the shock of arousal at that thought drew her body up tight, ready to explode.

“Gonna come?” Felix asked against her, the deep purr of her voice making Jisung want to shamelessly rub against her face until she found release.

“Yes,” she whined, her own pitch going higher with her desperation and making the contrast with Felix's gravely rasp even more apparent.

“You can,” Felix murmured against her throbbing folds, wetness surely smearing against her lips. “Come for me, baby.”

It was too much. The pet name. The revelation of her mouth. The hold on her thighs.

Jisung thought she started to come before Felix's tongue was even fully back against her clit. But as she swirled it against her steadily, Jisung felt the pleasure of her orgasm rise impossibly higher until her ears were ringing and her jaw started to ache from the silent scream her mouth had fallen open in.

Nothing had ever felt so earth-shatteringly good. Not just to her, either. Jisung was convinced that no one had ever reached a peak so high or else they couldn't have survived it. As it was, an ache was starting between her legs- an echo of the pleasure that pulsed through her even now, as Felix gentled her tongue but kept up her ministrations to ease Jisung down from her devastating release.

“Felix,” she pleaded, pushing weakly at her shoulder. If she kept going, Jisung thought she might come again, but that it would hurt in its intensity. Her body wasn't used to reaching orgasms so all-encompassing. Maybe next time she could handle a second one-

Next time? Even as she panted and tried to regain her bearings, she couldn't help but balk at her thoughts of next time. Surely this was a one time thing- something they'd fallen into and been too weak to resist, just this once?

“Was it okay?” Felix asked her, pointed chin resting on her thigh and the lower half of her face glistening with Jisung's arousal.

“Okay?” Jisung couldn't help but laugh despite the way her body burned at the evidence of what Felix had just done for her. “I think you almost killed me.”

Felix grinned, obviously pleased by the answer, and Jisung felt her heart kick in her chest at her smile.

She wanted to ask, in turn, if Felix had enjoyed watching her masturbate, but she knew before she started that she wouldn't be able to get the words out. In the heat of the moment, she might have mustered the courage to actually do it, but there was no way she'd be able to verbalize it without turning into a pile of ash after combusting with embarrassment.

The other most pressing issue on her mind was that Felix hadn't come yet. And whether she would be allowed to help her get there.

Of course she had no idea what she was doing aside from her own experience with her hands on herself, but she wanted so badly to give back to Felix what she had given her. She wanted to give Felix the best orgasm she'd ever had. And selfishly, she wanted to see Felix fall apart for her and only her. Even if this only happened once, she needed it.

Felix wouldn't ask her to reciprocate. Jisung knew that, as her best friend, she was all too aware of Jisung's tendency toward anxiety, and she would never want to put undue pressure on her or accidentally push her boundaries too far. But Jisung wished that she would, so she wouldn't have to, but also so she would know for sure that Felix wanted it. That she wasn't just agreeing because she wanted to protect Jisung's feelings.

Felix's eyes on her when she'd been touching herself, though…and the enthusiasm with which she'd gone down on her. Jisung didn't think it was a stretch to think that Felix would want to be touched in return. If nothing else, between the two of them, Felix was the one more likely to crave physical touch. So with all of those assurances rattling around in her still-melted brain, Jisung took a deep breath and steeled herself.

“If you-” she started, tongue tripping over the words she wanted to say. “I can-”

“You don't have to,” Felix assured her as Jisung suspected she would. “That was already…wow.”

Jisung blushed, warm from the shells of her ears to the tips of her toes, but forced herself to ask for what she wanted.

“I want…to,” she stumbled, brushing her fingers against the back of Felix's arm where she was still propped between her legs.

That wasn't right.

“You don't have to stay down there,” she blustered, butterflies fluttering in her belly at the fond little chuckle Felix let out before making her way back up the bed to flop at her side like they were just sharing a bed, as they so often did.

Felix smiled, blinking at Jisung and letting her be the one to move into the chaste kiss.

She could smell herself on Felix's breath, and a new surge of arousal shuddered through her.

“I want to,” she reiterated, pulling back and looking at Felix kind of cross-eyed from how close they were. “I want to touch you. If you want that. It's totally fine if you don-”

Felix's lips were against hers again, the kiss deeper this time- Felix's tongue curling around hers so she could taste herself now, and she moaned.

“I want that,” Felix breathed against her mouth, fingers gripping at Jisung's shoulder with a desperation that made Jisung dizzy.

With a surge of confidence, Jisung let her hand trail down Felix's side- ribs to hip- reveling in the smooth, uninterrupted skin that had been bared for her.

Sliding her hand over the sharp curve of her pelvis, Jisung sucked in a breath in preparation as she hovered at her abdomen. Another couple of inches and she'd be touching her in a way that friends definitely didn't touch each other.

“You can,” Felix murmured against her lips, her fingers sliding into the hair at Jisung's nape and sending a warm hum over her skin.

The encouragement gave Jisung the ability to push past her nerves and dip her fingers between Felix's parted thighs.

So wet. That was the first thing that struck her, sending a garbled mess of electrical feedback through her brain as she tried to grip onto any coherent thought through her arousal.

Without any hair down there, there was nothing to stop her body's lubrication from smearing everywhere as it leaked from her- all over her labia, her outer lips, and even on her inner thighs. She was absolutely soaked. And it was because of Jisung- because she'd watched her masturbate and maybe even from going down on her as well.

Jisung wondered if she was having a stroke with the way her thoughts seemed to be misfiring as her blood surged violently through her veins. Embarrassingly, she felt a slight prickle at the backs of her eyes like she was going to start tearing up from how insanely sexy it was to feel her fingers slipping easily against Felix's arousal.

Felix moaned into her mouth, the sound enough to send a pulse of want between Jisung's own legs, before burying her face in the side of Jisung's neck. Her fingers clenched at her nape- tightening and releasing, tightening and releasing.

Moving so she could maneuver her other hand to Felix's center, Jisung carefully pressed the middle finger of her left hand into Felix's body while circling the pads of her fingers of her other hand around her swollen clit.

“Oh,” Felix gasped, rocking her hips into Jisung's touch almost frantically as her breath puffed against the skin of her neck. “Another one. Fuck. I'm so close already.”

Hearing Felix fall apart so quickly at her hands, Jisung felt unmoored enough that she might as well have been floating in the middle of the ocean as she slid her pointer finger into Felix's opening alongside her middle finger. Felix's body, warm and wet, clenched down around them, and Jisung whimpered like she was the one nearing her orgasm.

The feeling of Felix's body pulling her in, needing her deeper, made her want to sob. Mine, mine, mine, mine, echoed in her head at every thrust of her fingers. She was nearly frantic with how badly she needed to please Felix and feel her come around and against her.

How she'd gone this long without having Felix pressed to her, skin to skin, as she chased her pleasure by the touch of Jisung's hands, she didn't know. Because she needed this like she'd never needed anything before. She was desperate for Felix's end just as acutely as she was dreading having to extricate herself so they were two separate beings again. This was how she wanted to be, always. Just like this, where their edges blurred together until they might as well have been one person.

Birthdays one day apart. Destined to meet. Fated to-

Jisung's fingers crooked inside her, dragging against Felix's front wall and making her body clamp down like she wanted to trap her inside forever.

Felix moaned against Jisung's ear, lips rubbing against the lobe and making her shiver. “That's so good, baby. You're gonna make me come.”

“Wanna feel it,” Jisung confessed, breathless like she was the one on the cusp of losing it. Increasing the pressure just a little as she rubbed against her clit, she felt Felix shudder against her.

“Baby,” she groaned, nails biting into Jisung's shoulders.

She was going to make Felix come. She was going to make Felix come.

She had to grit her teeth against the moan that wanted to escape at the thought.

“Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I'm- Jisungie!” she wailed, body seeming to wilt before going taut, taut, taut.

Jisung could feel the rhythmic undulation of muscles around her fingers, a surge of wet drenching her hand as she kept up her pace as well as she could with Felix clinging to her for dear life- unadulterated sounds of pleasure being fed directly into her ear.

It was so much better than she could have ever imagined.

As Felix relaxed into the mattress, chest heaving with her breath, Jisung could feel the way Felix's body loosened to allow her to pull her cramping fingers out. Bending and flexing them to stretch, Jisung watched the way the light caught on the slick wetness clinging to her skin. Her cheeks flushed when she realized she was admiring her soaked hand and she quickly reached for a tissue from Felix's nightstand. She thought she probably shouldn't wipe them off on Felix's cloud-printed sheets even though they had already made a mess of them.

“C'mere baby,” Felix cajoled, voice still sticking in her throat like gravel in the rubber of a tire.

Jisung felt her heart skip at baby even though Felix called her that all the time. It felt so much heavier now that she'd heard it from Felix's kiss-swollen lips as she coaxed Jisung's orgasm out of her with her tongue.

Fuck. How was she ever going to be able to hear Felix's voice or see her face without being pulled back to this very moment?

“No, Sungie, don't freak out,” Felix was saying, breaking her from the spiral of anxiety that had started to curl around her senses. “It's okay, I promise.”

Felix sat up from where she'd been sprawled against the sheets, boneless, to help Jisung lay back against the pillows.

“Are you okay?” she asked after pulling the blanket over both of them and leaning over so she could meet Jisung's eyes.

Nodding on autopilot, Jisung thought that maybe she was. She could be if Felix kept fluffing her pillow and making sure she was properly tucked in. The care subdued the panic that was trying to claw its way out of her chest.

“Just relax, okay? We'll sleep for now, and we can talk in the morning,” she soothed, though the jolt of adrenaline at talk had Jisung feeling a little bit ill. “I've got you. You're okay. We're okay.”

Felix wrapped around her under the blankets, her smooth thigh thrown across Jisung’s hips and an arm tucked around her ribs.

It was hard to let her anxiety overtake her when Felix's warm skin was pressed against her like this.

“Sleep baby,” Felix murmured against her shoulder, warm breath humid against her skin.

Nothing made sense anymore, even as Jisung felt herself relaxing into Felix's body. And yet everything made sense with a startling clarity that only served to make her panic flare higher.

Felix's embrace calmed her enough to sleep, but where unconsciousness would allow her a temporary reprieve from the truth that was bubbling to the surface, tomorrow wouldn't be so kind.

---

Upon waking, Jisung's body betrayed her with a sense of pure contentment- Felix's body draped against her, their bare skin glued together with the slightest film of sweat where they were pressed together. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and doze with Felix's even breaths against her neck. But dread quickly replaced her peace when the implications of what they'd shared came screaming back to her.

Felix looked so serene- face smushed against the pillow under her cheek and her freckles stark against her skin in the morning light. Guilt choked her as she wriggled out from her hold, but the quickening thrum of her heartbeat had her scrambling to get away.

Luckily, upon feeling Jisung scoot out of bed, Felix just made a little noise of discontent in her throat and rolled over, pulling one of her pillows into her chest to cuddle. With a silent sigh of relief, Jisung hastily pulled her clothes from the night before back on and slipped out the door.

There was something ridiculous about escaping Felix's room, only to walk ten yards down the hall to the guest room, but it was what it was. Jisung lingered there just long enough to grab herself a fresh t-shirt, underwear, and the sweatpants she planned to lounge in that day before crossing the hall again to shut herself in the guest bathroom.

The click of the lock behind her had Jisung inhaling properly for the first time all morning before dropping the clothes on the counter. Meeting her own eyes in the mirror, Jisung wanted to wince at the look of panic on her face. It felt wrong to be feeling like this- keyed up with adrenaline and ready to flee- when she just wanted to be back in Felix's bed, in her arms.

If only things could be so simple.

Stepping toward the mirror, Jisung studied her face like she'd never seen herself before. Or more accurately, like she legitimately expected there to be some type of change in her appearance. But everything was the same- the warm tone of her skin, her heart shaped lips, the tiny mole on her cheek. She was the same as she had been yesterday and the day before.

And that was true. Nothing about her had actually changed. The only difference was that it turned out she couldn't outrun herself anymore. Everything that she'd been pushing down and down and down had caught up with her. It had only been a matter of time.

The only difference between the Han Jisung of yesterday and the one today was that she could no longer deny who was staring back at her from the mirror.

Jisung didn't like boys- never had. Since she was little, girls had been the ones to draw her eye. For as much as she tried to pretend that wasn't true and that she hadn't noticed, the fact remained.

She was a lesbian. And after last night, there was nowhere left to hide.

With sickening dread, she watched a tear spill over and paint a wet track down her cheek followed by another and another.

Less soul-crushing was the realization that she was irrevocably in love with Felix. That was something she'd almost been able to acknowledge for a while. Because who wasn't at least a little in love with Felix? But not like she was. Not with a ferocity that made her feel like there were claws raking down her ribs when she thought of the inevitability of Felix falling into a relationship with some guy whose body she'd tell Jisung about with stars in her eyes.

Watching her lips tug down and wobble in the mirror, Jisung covered her mouth with her palm in time to muffle the sob.

Last night was a mistake. Now she knew what it was like to be touched and kissed and held by Felix. She knew what sex was like with someone she actually wanted. But of course it was something she couldn't have.

Jisung mourned the girl she was 24 hours ago, oblivious to how it would feel to have exactly what she'd always wanted. Because now that she knew, there was no going back.

<<<

May 2002

Jisung awoke with an ache between her thighs that felt urgent. Consciousness returned to her along with the feel of her sheets wrapped around her sweaty body and the awareness of Felix's heavy breaths across the room.

Squinting an eye open, Jisung peered at her bedside table to the clock/radio that glowed blue. 7:32 am. She had another hour and a half before her alarm was set to go off.

With a groan, Jisung rolled to her other side- squirming to untangle herself from her damp sheets until she could properly pull her covers back over her clammy skin. She'd been up too late the night before finishing her history paper, so she ought to take advantage of the time until she had to be out of bed for her morning class.

But as she closed her eyes again, the dream she'd been having before she woke up trickled back into her brain in little bits before the whole of it flooded back in, and with it, the throb between her legs.

She'd been on a space ship. Or living on a space station, maybe. It had been her turn to shower after waiting for the other crew members to finish in the bathroom. Did people on space stations use normal showers with running water? She had no idea. But in the dream, they had.

Also in the dream, Jisung had been incredibly horny. In addition to wanting to bathe to clean herself, she also wanted the opportunity to be alone in order to bring herself to release. But before she'd been able to step into the running shower or remove the towel she had wrapped around herself, Felix was coming up behind her to cling to her waist.

She'd said something that made Jisung laugh, though she could no longer remember what, and then she'd playfully lifted her up like she was going to move her aside to take her spot in line.

In real life, Felix would have been able to heave her up a couple of inches, but in the dream, she maneuvered her so easily that Jisung's towel flipped up with the movement of her limbs as she failed against Felix's hold.

“You can't-” she'd gasped, embarrassment suffusing her at the knowledge that Felix had undoubtedly seen beneath her towel where she was wet and swollen and so pink with how badly she needed to touch herself.

“Let me,” Felix had said, pushing her towel to the floor and reaching around her to get her fingers against her throbbing clit.

Completely naked and entirely at Felix's mercy, Jisung had melted into her body- head tossed back against her shoulder as Felix's fingers moved against her to draw her pleasure up and up.

It felt so good. It was unreasonable how incredible it felt to have Felix touching her like this, especially when she'd been so desperate for relief, she could have cried.

She could see the galaxy moving past them through the window- Earth a tiny speck that looked so far away.

“I'm gonna come,” she'd warned, orgasm surging beneath her skin and rightthere-

That was when she'd woken up, hips rocking into nothing and clit pulsing with her racing heartbeat.

Jisung shivered as the details of the dream played on a loop over and over in her head. Fuck. Her underwear was sticking to her with how wet she was, and she was throbbing like she'd been edging herself for ages. She needed to come so badly.

Pressing against herself through her soaked underwear, Jisung held still to listen for Felix's breathing to make sure she was still asleep.

Somehow, listening to the steady inhale and exhale of her roommate's breaths was what had her realizing what she was imagining as she rubbed against her arousal through the cotton of her panties. This was weird, right? Touching herself to the memory of a sex dream she'd had about her best friend?

But it wasn't as though she'd chosen the dream. She'd had countless dreams, sex dreams included, that she'd never choose in a million years. It didn't have to mean anything.

It didn't mean anything, right?

Jisung shoved her hand underneath her underwear and had to bite her pillow from the smooth glide of her fingers against her bare clit.

Fuck.

She was literally going to come in seconds. She was so turned on.

Let me, the Felix from her dream murmured in her ear.

Jisung shuddered and muffled her moan in her palm as she came so hard, glowing spots started dancing behind her closed eyelids.

When she finally caught her breath, she could still hear Felix breathing peacefully- asleep.

Guilt and something more sinister welled up in her throat, but she forced herself to swallow it all down.

It was just a dream. It didn't mean anything.

>>>

Jisung showered and then almost regretted it- briefly mourning the lack of Felix left behind on her skin. But not only was that deranged and creepy, it was also unsanitary (truly, celebrating cum on her skin was gross no matter how you looked at it). So she quickly shook that thought away and dressed in a fresh set of clothes before heading down to the kitchen.

The maid had already brewed a pot of coffee, and Jisung was grateful. Despite having spent an entire month staying with Felix over the summer, the size of the kitchen still intimidated her. How was she supposed to remember where the coffee scoop was when there were so many cabinets? Not to mention the appliances that probably cost as much as her parents’ cars.

With only slightly shaking hands, Jisung poured herself a cup and added two sugar cubes from the fancy jar on the breakfast bar. In the summer, she'd often taken her coffee out to drink on the patio- listening to the lapping of the water against the sides of the pool when there was enough of a breeze. But it was nearly winter now, and Jisung didn't want to have to go through the hassle of putting on socks and shoes and her coat. Plus her hair was still wet, and a cold was the last thing she needed.

Still off kilter, she sat down on one of the barstools at the counter and cupped her hands around her mug until her palms started to burn. She couldn't go through with whatever talk Felix wanted to have today. The pity when Felix realized that she was pathetically in love with her would break her, she was sure. And while Felix was obviously…not entirely straight, being open enough to hook up with a friend for fun wasn't the same thing as being a lesbian. Felix would go on to marry some man and have kids. While Jisung…

Truthfully, she'd never thought that far ahead. Because she hadn't been ready to acknowledge that she was never going to want a husband. Not really. Not beyond some abstract version of an ideal man she half-imagined in her head. Even this elusive fantasy was more of a smudge than a person, like she couldn't bear to look directly at him and everything he represented.

Trying to figure out how to deal with her sexuality and whether or not she had the stomach to come out properly was something she would think about another day. Because everything falling down on her head right now was more than enough. What she needed to deal with now was Felix, and making sure their friendship could remain unchanged. If Felix figured out that Jisung was in love with her, there'd be no way things wouldn't change.

There was no doubt in Jisung's mind that Felix would be sweet about it. She wouldn't judge her and she wouldn't mean to treat Jisung any differently. But in trying to make sure she didn't lead Jisung on, she'd end up being so much more conscious of her actions. The casual touches would be gone. The way baby fell so easily from her lips when she was talking to Jisung would be gone. Even without meaning to, Felix would have no choice but to distance herself from her, and Jisung didn't know if she could survive that.

She had to make sure Felix didn't realize how much last night meant to her. Jisung couldn't let her know all of the possessive feelings that had been unleashed when Felix first kissed her. Felix couldn't know that Jisung's chest ached with how badly she wanted to go back upstairs to crawl in bed with her. If she let herself think about it, she knew she'd do anything to wake up in Felix's arms everyday. But she wouldn't think about it because it wasn't possible and Felix couldn't know the truth.

Jisung realized she couldn't even come out to her- not because Felix wouldn't be supportive, but because that would be the first indication of just how much more sleeping together had meant to Jisung than it did to Felix. Let Felix assume she was bi. Then the fact that she'd slept with Seungmin before this wouldn't be as pathetic. Then sleeping with Felix wouldn't be her real first time. Because she'd known that sex with Seungmin wasn't going to mean anything to her. She'd known, deep down, that she wasn't going to enjoy it. It was a means to an end- a way to say okay, I did that! Now what?

Sex with Felix though…

No, she couldn't let herself fixate on that. As far as Felix was concerned, it was just something that happened. An unexpected lark on a long weekend. Just something else they'd shared as best friends. So that was what it had to be for Jisung too, or else she'd inevitably lose what they had.

The sound of footsteps on the stairs alerted Jisung to Felix's presence before she stepped into the kitchen. Her ponytail was hanging on for dear life, there were creases on her cheek from her sheets, and she'd dressed herself in a camisole that ended just below her bellybutton button and a pair of flared sweatpants that hung low on her hips.

Jisung forced her eyes away from the flat strip of stomach that was exposed to the cool air of the kitchen- skin that she'd had full reign to touch last night.

Shivering, Jisung fought to shake the thought from her head.

“Hey,” Felix greeted her with a careful smile that had panic swelling in Jisung's chest already. “You already showered?”

“Yeah, I was kind of sweaty,” Jisung answered, cheeks heating at the reason for her sweat that they were both very aware of.

Felix chuckled, looking a little less concerned that Jisung was about to bolt, but still cautious.

She had to convince Felix that she wasn't going to fall apart over this.

“Do you want something to eat?” Felix asked, shuffling over to the pantry and sticking her head in. “We have cereal and oatmeal, and I think there's fresh bread for toast. Or I can ask Juhyun to make pancakes.”

The maid.

Jisung shook her head.

She wasn't hungry, for one. But the idea of someone else present to feel the tension between the two of them sounded like a nightmare. Had she already heard them last night? Jesus Christ. Jisung couldn't even consider that as a possibility if she wanted to make it out of this weekend without dying of mortification.

Felix emerged from the pantry with a granola bar and sat next to Jisung at the island, foot tucked up underneath her so she was a couple of inches taller than Jisung.

“We should probably talk about last night, don't you think?” she offered, tone gentle like she was still afraid of spooking her.

“There's not that much to say, is there?” Jisung forced out, trying to keep her tone light so Felix wouldn't sense the deep untruth to her words.

“There isn't?”

Jisung shrugged, swallowing hard enough that her throat ached.

“As long as it doesn't ruin what we have, then I don't think there's anything to talk about,” she tried to explain calmly, hoping that her voice wasn't shaking as much as the hand she had shoved underneath her thigh. “I just don't want our friendship to be ruined.”

Felix's confused expression morphed into something softer. She put her hand on Jisung's knee, and it felt like the heat would burn her even through the fabric of her sweatpants.

“Of course it won't,” she reassured her, and Jisung felt a knot of tension in her chest loosen. “I already told you freshman year: you're stuck with me. It's gonna take more than that to get me to go anywhere.”

The lump in her throat was not something she was prepared to deal with, nor did she need Felix knowing just how much it meant to her to hear that. Even if friendship wasn't all she wanted, she would take it over the risk of losing Felix every time.

“Good,” she answered, hoping that the strain of trying not to cry hadn't made it into her voice. “Because you're stuck with me too.”

Felix smiled at her then- big and brilliant and enough to set her heart on fire in her chest.

The conversation ended there, but Felix's hand stayed on her knee even as she finished her granola bar. And Jisung wondered how she ever shoved her feelings down flat enough that they didn't poke out of her at odd angles.

When they watched a movie after breakfast and Felix fell asleep with her head on Jisung's shoulder, it was perfect. And awful.

She didn't know if she could do this, after all.

---

Jisung was in crisis. She was gay, in love with her best friend, and completely unable to be around said best friend because it was going to kill her.

If the third thing hadn't been true, she could have coped. At least for a while, she would have been okay while she waited to feel ready to dig into her sexuality in a meaningful way and hopefully let her feelings for Felix lessen with time. All of that could have been doable if she could at least do it with Felix by her side. But with her heart feeling like it was climbing up her throat and strangling her every time Felix so much as smiled at her, being with her at all didn't seem possible.

After they'd finished the movie and had lunch, Jisung excused herself to go finish some reading for her literature class. And then after a quick dinner, she'd cited a humanities exam that she needed to study for.

All of that was true, mind you, but she hadn't really counted on getting any of it done when she was spending the weekend with Felix. She figured, realistically, she'd put it off all of Saturday and then try to cram as much schoolwork as she could on Sunday afternoon when they got back to campus.

The good news was that she was in a good place with her assignments when they arrived at the sorority house after Jisung had napped nearly the whole car ride back. The bad news was that Felix was looking at her like she knew she was lying when she hurried off to the library to work on a paper as soon as she'd dropped her duffel bag on the floor of their shared room.

In the three days since they'd returned, Jisung had done everything she could to avoid seeing Felix despite their shared room. Aside from having to sleep literally five feet away from her, it wasn't difficult to make sure their paths didn't cross. Jisung knew Felix's schedule by heart, so making sure to be where Felix wasn't was easy.

Depriving herself of Felix's company wasn't.

Jisung missed her. It was like the ache of a bruise she couldn't help but press when she thought of her, which she couldn't stop doing. Worse when she found her mind drifting toward the night they'd shared. To know what it was like to have Felix that way- all to herself, wholly and completely- was torture. Knowing that she couldn't have her the way she wanted was bad enough. Having to distance herself to save what was left of her heart was bad enough. But to have had a glimpse into exactly what she wished for was cruel.

Sitting in the back of a lecture hall and drawing in the margins of her notebook, Jisung tried to tune into the tangent her professor had gone off on, but it was difficult to make herself focus. Her brain had been going nonstop for days- re-assessing every interaction she'd had with Felix. And when she felt like that was going to drive her insane, she turned back the clock even further to high school, middle school, and even elementary school. How many signs had she missed? How many realizations had she buried as deep as she could, hoping they wouldn't resurface until she was equipped to deal with them?

Was she ready for them now? That didn't matter, she guessed, because they were all spilling out, whether she liked it or not.

Maybe she ought to have known when she'd defaced her teen magazines as a kid, scribbling over the smiling faces of boy band members in yellow marker (a darker marker might have bled through the thin, shiny pages) because she got the magazine for the girl groups and pop princesses, and the boys were ruining the aesthetics of the whole thing.

She remembered being frustrated when her friends would gush over actors and singers they thought were handsome because she couldn't understand what they saw in them. Just to go along, she'd pick some guy who was inoffensive at best, but she couldn't understand wanting to watch music videos of boys with floppy hair and baggy jeans when she could be watching a pretty girl with a bellybutton ring and glossy lips.

Or there was that time in middle school when her friends had borrowed one of their parents’ camcorders to make a movie and they'd all dressed up to play different characters in the drama they'd concocted. One of her friends had dressed as a boy- borrowing an oversized t-shirt from her brother and shoving her hair under a baseball cap. Jisung was supposed to play “his” girlfriend, and she'd found herself blushing when her friend put an arm around her shoulders. She'd told herself the butterflies were because she was imagining her friend as a boy, but she couldn't ever explain why she'd never had the same heart-pounding reaction to an actual boy.

And still in high school, forcing herself to nod along when her friends ooh-ed and aah-ed over shirtless men in ads for jeans or cologne. Unable to find the appeal of muscled pectorals, scruffy facial hair, and chiseled jawlines no matter how long she looked.

When she'd noticed her walls were covered in pictures of women- posters of her favorite pop divas, female-fronted bands, and fashion editorials featuring actresses she admired- she'd taken the time to peruse her stack of magazines and rip out several glossy pages featuring actors whose movies she had enjoyed or bands with frontmen she knew other girls swooned over as long as they had a song she liked. Those got taped up next to the midriff-baring pop stars and actresses with ruby-painted lips. Nothing to see here! Just an average teenage girl's room. No need to look too closely.

Even before diversifying her walls, her parents had never said anything. They probably weren't taking the time to study what celebrities she'd chosen to watch her sleep, though there had been a friend or two who had teased her for the pin-up style poster across from her bed: what's it like to wake up to giant boobs right in front of you? Jisung had laughed along, claiming to not even notice with how long the poster had been up. But the men had gone up a week later- puzzled in surreptitiously and looking out of place no matter how long Jisung squinted at them.

She'd pushed and shoved and buried her truth from the moment she'd first sensed something different about herself, and now it was all overflowing like muck from a backed-up toilet- spilling all over the carefully curated normalcy Jisung had tried to present.

If she could just keep that part of her wrapped up tight for a little bit longer… Jisung didn't have an end goal in mind, but now felt too soon. She wasn't ready for everyone to look at her and see one thing. Even if those people were open-minded, her existence in their eyes would boil down the fact that she was gay.

There was a guy the year above her who was gay. Minho, she was pretty sure. She didn't actually know him- had never spoken to him- but she knew as well as everyone on campus that he was gay. It wasn't an issue of people being rude to him about it, though she was sure that happened sometimes too, but just the fact that she knew his sexuality without knowing him personally was a pretty accurate representation of what it was like to be out within a community. Everyone, whether they cared about your sexual preference or not, knew your business. Jisung didn't want that for herself.

The thought of strangers talking about her, gossiping about her, made her want to burrow underneath the floorboards and never come out. She's into girls, did you hear? I'm talking about Jisung, you know, the lesbian?

She felt nauseous just imagining it.

And whatever people said about Minho would be worse for her. She'd heard girls jokingly lamenting how handsome he was and how it was such a shame that he played for the wrong team. Then they'd enthuse about how nice it would be to have a gay best friend to go shopping with.

Those same girls would probably keep a wide berth if they found out Jisung was a lesbian, worried that she would have a crush on them or something. Which was almost laughable considering how absurdly head-over-heels she was for Felix. As if that wasn't so all-encompassing that she could barely spare a glance at someone else.

And the boys… She knew she'd probably be inundated with promises of dick so good, she turned straight. Because even if those guys didn't look twice at her now, they wouldn't turn down the opportunity to prove that they were good enough lays to disprove lesbianism as a whole.

All of that was a crock of shit, of course, but Jisung didn't want to deal with it. She didn't want everyone's attention suddenly on her based on some fact about herself that she had no control over. She just wanted to go to class, get good grades, and spend time with Felix.

Except she couldn't even do that anymore.

Maybe she could try spending time with Felix in a group setting. Like at a sorority mixer. With other people as buffers, Jisung could desensitize herself to Felix's presence until she could be one-on-one with her again without remembering what her lips felt like against her mouth…and her-

Jisung flushed, forcibly pushing the memory away as her body thrummed with want for what she couldn't have.

And how was she meant to only meet with Felix in groups when they were roommates? This was a mess, and Jisung had no idea how she was supposed to deal with it, especially without letting Felix know something was wrong.

The reality was that Felix probably already knew. She'd always been so sensitive to Jisung's feelings and moods. There was no way she hadn't noticed Jisung avoiding her. She had to figure out a lie to explain her behavior away. Like she was suddenly so slammed with schoolwork that she didn't have any free time for the next few weeks. Or she could say that one of her co-workers at the campus library quit, so she had to pick up a bunch of extra shifts. That way, she'd have a legitimate excuse to be out of the sorority house that had nothing to do with Felix.

“Read chapter five before Friday, and don't forget to be working on your midterm paper. It's due in less than a month!”

Everyone around her started packing up their notebooks and Jisung hurried to do the same. A full hour of lecture and all she'd written in her notebook was the date.

She was going to have to reread chapter four too. Maybe her lie about being swamped with homework would be true if she kept failing to pay attention in class.

Right now, Felix was on her way back to the sorority house after her Chem lab. So Jisung just had to go anywhere that wasn't the house. Easy enough.

With her messenger bag slung over her shoulder, Jisung exited the classroom and decided to go to the library. She could inquire about extra shifts. And then go sit in one of the study rooms to read about everything she'd missed in her lecture today.

She'd handle it, just like she was handling her feelings for Felix. Everything would work out. It had to. Because Jisung didn't want to consider what would happen if it didn't.

---

Jisung quickly surveyed the cafeteria to be sure Felix wasn't there before entering and making her way over to the snacks. Anxiety had made her stomach upset, so she wasn't particularly hungry. But she knew she ought to have something before sitting through an hour of philosophy.

Grabbing a banana and a bag of chips, Jisung swiped her card and headed toward the door. She could eat in the lobby of the humanities building before her class started and brush up on the reading.

Shoving her snacks in her bag and trying to slide her card back into the side pocket, Jisung slammed directly into someone rounding the corner into the cafeteria.

“Oof,” they grunted on impact, and Jisung made a grab for the notebook that was falling between them.

“Shit, I'm sorry,” she apologized, missing the notebook on its way down so she had to bend over to grab it from the floor. “Here you go…”

Except when she looked up, Seungmin was the one looking back at her.

Jisung felt her stomach drop to the floor as guilt and shame flooded her body.

In the midst of Felix and Changbin's relationship ending, Jisung and Seungmin's one night was kind of brushed to the wayside. Initially, Felix had let Jisung know that Seungmin had asked Changbin about potentially asking her on a date. But Jisung's lackluster experience with him had her begging Felix to come up with any excuse to put him off.

She'd meant to maybe talk to him later- tell him she hoped they could stay friends but that she wasn't interested in anything more. But then Felix and Changbin had broken up, which meant she didn't run into Seungmin socially anymore. And then there'd been her whole sexuality awakening and realization that she was in love with Felix, and she'd honestly kind of forgotten about Seungmin altogether.

Which made her a pretty shitty person.

“Thanks,” Seungmin said, stilted, taking the notebook from her and making to step around her into the cafeteria.

“I'm sorry,” Jisung repeated, frozen in place so Seungmin had to pause as he tried to maneuver past her.

“It's fine,” he replied robotically, and Jisung knew he thought she was apologizing for bumping into him. “Excuse me.”

“No,” she answered before she could stop herself, realizing too late that it sounded like she was refusing to get out of his way, not that she was refuting his declaration that it was fine. “I mean, I'm sorry. For everything.”

Seungmin flinched, a flash of hurt showing in his eyes before he shuttered his expression. He shrugged. “It is what it is.”

“It's not what you think,” Jisung insisted, and Seungmin finally looked her in the eyes, expression confused.

Jisung blew out a breath, trying to steady the quaver in her chest at the sudden urge to tell him the truth. He deserved it, for one. But also…no matter how badly Jisung wanted to hide herself away until some unspecified time in the future, there was a part of her that was dying to at least talk to someone. And maybe she was wrong, but she felt like Seungmin wouldn't be the worst person to tell.

“Can we talk?”

Seungmin let out a sigh, eyes flickering over her shoulder like he was assessing the situation before answering.

“Okay,” he agreed, albeit reluctantly. “Let me go grab a sandwich first though. I have class in forty minutes. We can talk while I eat.”

Jisung nodded, too eager now that she'd decided to come clean. Suddenly, it was of utmost importance that Seungmin know that he hadn't done anything wrong. That he couldn't have done anything differently.

The truth pressed against the backs of her teeth as she made her way to an empty table in a quiet corner, ready to come tumbling out. Fear curdled in her empty stomach, but even that wasn't enough to quell her resolve.

It didn't take long for Seungmin to return with a sub sandwich on a green plastic plate. The can of soda made a metallic sound when he set it down on the table, and Jisung drew herself up in her chair as he settled across from her.

He glanced at her, pausing briefly before picking up his sandwich and taking a bite.

“I'm sorry about…” Jisung trailed off almost immediately after starting to speak, resolve weakening in the face of Seungmin's stoic expression.

What was she supposed to say? Sorry for having sex with you? She was, but it would probably be worse to say it like that than to say nothing at all.

“Yeah,” Seungmin replied, not sounding particularly forgiving, but putting her out of her misery at least by saving her from having to finish her sentence. “You said.”

“It's not-” she started, and found herself at a loss again. Where was she even supposed to start? “It isn't you. You didn't do anything wrong.”

A sardonic smile tugged at Seungmin's lips, and Jisung knew she'd have to be braver than that if she wanted to explain herself beyond those cliched platitudes.

“I don't mean like that,” she tried, and then ran her fingers exasperatedly through her hair, tugging a little at the strands. “This isn't coming out right.”

“We don't need to talk about it,” Seungmin said, whether for her benefit or his, she didn't know. “Like I said, it is what it is. You don't need to reject me formally.”

“It's not a rejection,” she argued, frustrated at herself.

“Kind of seems like-”

“I'm gay,” she blurted out before figuring out a more delicate way to put it. “I…I'm a lesbian. Sorry. I didn't mean to…” she twirled her hand uselessly in front of her, pulse racing in her throat at having told someone the truth, “drag you into my last ditch attempt at denial. That was shitty.”

To his credit, while he looked surprised, he didn't appear disgusted or horrified. Which was a good sign.

“Well,” he said after a moment, voice measured, “it doesn't feel great to know my first time was with someone who didn't want to be there, but at least it's better that it's because she's gay and not because I was terrible. I think?”

The laugh that escaped from Jisung's mouth was mildly hysterical, but when Seungmin chuckled, she felt something ease in her chest.

“If you could not mention this to anyone, that would be great,” she hastily added, fresh anxiety clutching in her chest. “I haven't actually told anyone yet.”

“Of course,” he was quick to assure her, waving a placating hand. But then his eyes widened. “You haven't even told Felix?”

Jisung felt the blood rush to her face at just the sound of Felix's name- made worse by the context. As if Seungmin would know what they'd done by Jisung's admittance of her sexuality.

“Not yet,” she confirmed, knowing how ridiculous Seungmin must have thought she was for telling him before her own best friend. “So please don't even mention it to Changbin.”

“I won't,” he promised, shaking his head. “But you don't need to worry, I don't think. Felix, of all people, would be supportive.”

It was true, was the thing. There was no argument she could make that would explain why she wouldn't have confided in Felix aside from the truth.

“Yeah,” Jisung said slowly with a nod of her head. “You're right. I'm just not- It's kind of-”

Understanding blossomed on Seungmin's face, clear as day, and Jisung felt dread crystallize in her belly as panic seized her chest.

“I-” she started, wanting to deny whatever he'd figured out, but knowing that anything she said would just damn her more.

“Don't worry,” Seungmin interrupted, holding out his hands helplessly like he was trying to soothe an agitated horse. “Really. I'm not… I understand, okay? I get it.”

Jisung frowned, having to bite her tongue against the protest that he couldn't understand. But then realization settled over her.

“Oh,” she breathed, afraid to acknowledge what Seungmin had just implied in case he decided to bolt.

“Yeah,” he sighed, slumping in his chair.

She wanted to ask a thousand questions. How long? What made him realize? Did Changbin know? But she didn't want to answer those questions, so she figured he didn't either.

“So I get it,” he repeated, dragging his finger through the smattering of breadcrumbs on his plate. “I promise I won't tell anyone. But I really think that, no matter what, Felix will be understanding.”

Jisung blew out a breath, knowing he was right but not willing to consider it just yet.

“Thank you,” she said, meaning it. “And I really am sorry about everything.”

Seungmin offered her a small smile and a nod.

“Oh shit,” he cursed, eyes widening as he focused on something over her shoulder. The clock, she realized after a second. “I have to get to class. Are you…?”

Jisung almost wanted to laugh. No, she wasn't okay, but she was stable enough that he didn't need to worry about her.

“I'm fine,” she told him, flapping her hand and reaching for her messenger bag. “Go, go.”

Seungmin's chair screeched when he pushed back from the table. “Let me know if I can do anything. Or if you want to talk about…anything.”

Want to commiserate over being in love with our best friends? She imagined showing up at his room in the frat with snacks and beer.

No, she didn't plan on doing that, but it was nice to know she had someone who knew her secret- both of them- if she ever needed the support. She hoped he felt the same even if he hadn't intended to confide in her.

She nodded, waving him off as he rushed out of the cafeteria.

Everything was still a mess, but she felt a little lighter. Even though she'd barely had the mental capacity to worry about it the past few days, it felt good to set things right with Seungmin. And it was reassuring to come out to someone and have it go okay.

Pushing herself up from the plastic chair, Jisung took her time walking in the direction of her afternoon class. Maybe, just for that afternoon, she could allow herself a break from her anxiety about Felix.

It would certainly be there waiting for her when she was ready.

---

After her class, Jisung wandered over to the café in front of the library- killing twenty minutes with an Americano and her reading for 19th century lit before it was safe to return to the sorority house. Felix had an early evening class on Thursdays, so Jisung had an hour and a half to freely occupy their shared room before Felix came back.

At that point, she planned to be neck deep in homework, so conversation would be minimal. It was tempting to avoid her altogether, but that was far too suspicious. Already, she knew that Felix had to know that she was making herself scarce. But if she wasn't too extreme about her avoidance, hopefully Felix would just let her be until she managed to get her feelings under control.

If she committed to never coming face to face with Felix until winter break, she knew Felix would hunt her down to make sure she wasn't spiraling. But if she just limited their contact to an amount that didn't make her feel like her heart was going to come spewing out of her mouth while letting Felix see that she was alive and reasonably okay, then she had some time before she had to figure out how to deal with all of this.

At least, that was what she hoped.

It became abundantly clear, however, that she had grossly underestimated Felix's worry for her, because when she pushed into their bedroom expecting it to be empty, Felix was sitting on Jisung's bed with her brows sloped in concern and the corners of her lips tugging down like she was already trying not to cry.

Fuck.

“Don't you have class?” Jisung blurted out, and then felt like the most gigantic asshole on the planet for leading with that.

“I'm skipping,” Felix told her, more resolute than she expected with the downward twitch of her mouth. “You're avoiding me, and the only way to find you here was to change my schedule because I know you know it.”

The guilt and shame at having upset Felix enough to skip class for the sole purpose of talking to her was like a deluge of frigid water.

Her first instinct was to try and convince Felix that she wasn't avoiding her, but lying on top of everything would only make things worse. Besides, there was no way that any bullshit excuse that she could come up with would be believable enough to change the look of hurt painting Felix's features.

“I'm sorry,” Jisung offered, chest tight in the face of Felix's distress.

She needed an explanation. And she didn't want to lie, but she couldn't tell her the truth either. Not while her feelings for Felix were so achingly strong.

Maybe she could try to figure out a way to come out to Felix that didn't give away the fact that she was in love with her. Because Seungmin was right- Felix would never judge someone for something like that. If it wasn't for her stupid, pining heart, she might have already told her. But without the added realization that she had fallen for her best friend, she didn't know if she would have completely understood that she was gay. At the very least, she might have had a fair shot of lying to herself for a couple more years.

“I saw you with Seungmin in the cafeteria earlier,” Felix told her, tugging at the sleeve of her pink mohair sweater and casting her eyes over to the mess of notebooks on Jisung's desk. “Are you…I thought you weren't interested in him?”

Jisung blinked, response delayed as she parsed what Felix had just asked. Truly, that was the last thing she expected Felix to bring up. The laugh she let out was mostly just disbelief that they were talking about Seungmin at a time like this. But Felix flinched, and Jisung felt awful.

“I'm not,” she quickly explained, taking a step forward and then halting so she wasn't too close when she inevitably had to bring up her sexuality. “I'm not interested in him like that. I guess we’re kind of friends? Maybe? I just ran into him today, and I ended up apologizing for blowing him off after…everything.”

Felix nodded, still not meeting Jisung's eyes and gnawing on her lower lip until it looked painful.

“I'm really sorry,” Jisung said again, at a loss for how to fix this without ruining everything in the next breath. “I'm so sorry I was avoiding you. I just-”

“No,” Felix interrupted, shaking her head and squeezing her eyes closed. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Felix-”

“You said you didn't want anything to change-”

“I know, I'm sorry. I thought-”

“I really tried not to be any different, but I obviously couldn't do a good enough job-”

“You didn't-”

Here, Felix's chin quivered as a tear dripped down her cheek, and Jisung had closed the gap between them before she could even think about why she shouldn't.

She sat next to her on the bed, and wrapped an arm around Felix's shoulder as Felix snuffled wetly and tried to wipe at her tear stained cheeks.

“I'm sorry I couldn't go back to normal, but I'll try harder,” she pleaded, voice trembling and making absolutely no sense. “It's okay that you don't feel the same, I promise. Just please don't stop being my friend.”

“Felix, I- what?”

Felix swiped at her chin with the back of her hand before her tears could drip into her lap.

“It's okay that you don't feel the same,” she repeated, voice thick from crying. “I shouldn't have kissed you or done anything with you knowing that you don't think of me like that. It was selfish, I'm so sorry. But I promise I won't do anything to make you uncomfortable ever again. Please don't let this ruin us.”

Jisung's brain had stopped working. There was a rushing that was drowning out any coherent thought she could manage to form. Maybe it was distorting what Felix was saying to her too. Because there was no way she was saying what Jisung thought she was saying. She must have been misunderstanding. Felix must have realized that Jisung had feelings for her and was promising that they could go back to how they used to be, right? Because there was no way that-

“Feelings?” Jisung dumbly repeated, feeling the shake of every sob with her arm still around Felix's shoulders.

Having her heart broken by every tear Felix wept kept her thoughts muddy- overwhelmed with guilt and worry.

“I'm sorry,” Felix said again, clenching her hands in her lap so her knuckles turned white.

But that didn't answer the torrent of questions still swarming in her head.

“You have feelings for me?” she asked, still feeling as though Felix was going to quickly clarify that no, Jisung had misunderstood.

But instead she nodded sadly, lips quivering as another tear rolled down her cheek.

“Like, romantic feelings?”

Felix must have thought she was having some sort of brain malfunction to be asking over and over again, but maybe she was. Or a break with reality. Something.

“Yeah,” she breathed, seemingly trying to quell her crying as Jisung mindlessly ran a hand up and down her arm while trying to make sense of what was happening. “Since freshman year.”

Felix's splotchy cheeks turned pink at the confession, and Jisung felt like she nearly pitched off the side of the bed at the shock of that revelation.

“You-” she started, a buzz of hornets vibrating in her skull as she fought to keep hold of reality. “I thought…what about Changbin? What about…the others?”

It had seemed like Felix was so into him, even if she'd told her they decided they were better off as friends. She just couldn't fit this new information that apparently Felix had liked her all this time-

“It's why Changbin broke up with me, actually,” Felix admitted with a humorless laugh and a tiny shrug of her shoulders.

Jisung just barely stopped herself from pointing out that Felix had told her the breakup was mutual.

“He figured out I was in lo-” Felix abruptly stopped speaking, panic painting her face in pinks and reds before she took a deep breath and continued. “He figured out I was in love with you.”

Taking her arm back wasn't meant as a rejection. Jisung just needed it so she could twist the ring on her pointer finger like she did when she was overwhelmed and trying to process. But the sad look of resignation on Felix's face had Jisung reaching back out to grip one of her hands between her sweaty palms.

“Sorry!” she exclaimed, consciously lowering her volume before speaking again. “Sorry. I just…I had no idea? Like at all. In my wildest dreams. I thought…” she shook her head. “Since freshman year?”

Jisung knew that she was awkward and unsocialized and had too many needs and quirks now. But back then, she'd basically been a little mouse who followed Felix around. It was a wonder Felix put up with her, let alone had feelings for her.

“Please don't let this ruin everything,” Felix pleaded, voice wobbling like she was about to start sobbing in earnest, though she swallowed and held herself together. “We can pretend it never happened. Let's just forget it and go back to how things were before.”

“I can't forget it,” Jisung answered honestly, watching Felix's face fall and taking her heart with it. “No, no! I mean, I don't want to. I also can't, but.”

She shook her head, trying to get everything she needed to say to settle in the right order.

“I'm so sorry I was avoiding you,” she started. Even though she'd already said it, it bore repeating. “It wasn't anything you did. It was because I couldn't be near you without thinking about that night and it was killing me.”

Felix was listening intently, hand motionless in Jisung's grasp, but she still looked like she was resigned to a rejection that Jisung needed to quickly let her know wasn't coming.

“That night…” Jisung paused, stomach flipping and sending a surge of adrenaline into her feet so they felt numb. “That night changed everything for me. Or, not changed. Not actually. I just hadn't realized before that…”

This wasn't coming out how she wanted. She should have stopped to gather her thoughts. Or given a second of overthinking this week to how she would confess to Felix if she ever had the courage.

“I'm in love with you,” she blurted out, unable to stomach the sadness in Felix's eyes the longer she fumbled to get out what she was trying to say. “And I'm a lesbian. Um, yeah, so that's-”

Felix was crying again, wrenching her hand out of Jisung's hold in order to throw her arms around Jisung's shoulders and bury her tear-drenched face in her neck.

She hugged Felix back, clinging to her like she might disappear into the mist of her own imagination if she let go.

For the first time since she'd faced her own truths- or maybe for the first time since she started hiding them from herself- Jisung felt a sense of calm wash over her like an exhale.

It was only when she pulled back and Felix thumbed underneath her eye to catch a tear that she realized she was crying too.

“You really…?” Felix asked, the hand not wiping her tears rubbing soothing circles on Jisung's back.

She nodded, wrung out and limp with the release of her confession.

“I should have told you right after we slept together,” Felix said, brushing Jisung's hair back from her temple and peering into her eyes. “You said you didn't want anything to change, and I didn't want to lose you. But I should have been brave. Then you wouldn't have been hurting since then.”

“But you were hurting too,” Jisung argued, unable to let Felix take any of the blame when she had been the one to avoid her and make her cry.

“At least I'd already come to terms with liking girls,” she deflected. “I wish I could have been there for you while you were questioning. I should have told you when we met. Maybe then you would have felt comfortable talking to me about it sooner.”

Her brows were pinched with worry, eyes shining like she might start crying again at the thought of Jisung struggling with her sexuality alone. But that really wasn't her fault. Jisung thought she'd have been stubborn and scared no matter what.

“You're bi?” she clarified, and Felix nodded.

“I've known since high school,” she confirmed, and Jisung felt herself gaping at the courage and self assurance it must have taken to admit that even then.

“Have you dated girls before, then?” Jisung asked, trying to bite back the jealousy that rose in her chest to think of it.

“Remember the friend I told you I had my first kiss with?”

Jisung nodded.

“She was my first for other things too,” Felix admitted, cheeks flushing as Jisung forcefully pushed down the bitterness that stung the back of her throat. She hadn't even known Felix back then. It was a stupid thing to feel jealous about.

“But since we've known each other?” Jisung pressed, more distraught that Felix could have hidden entire relationships from her than the idea of Felix with other girls.

To her relief, Felix shook her head.

“No, I would have told you if it had come to that,” she promised, and the knot of unease that had formed in Jisung's chest loosened and unraveled. “I didn't mean to not tell you I was bi either.”

“You didn't have t-”

“It was just because I liked you, and I was trying to surreptitiously figure out if you liked girls…or me,” Felix rushed to explain, reaching out to thread her fingers through Jisung's and squeeze. “I didn't want to give myself away, so I didn't say anything at first. But by the time I decided you probably didn't like me back, it felt like too much time had passed, and I felt weird just suddenly tell you. So I put it off, and then too much time had definitely passed, and then…”

Even if Jisung wished Felix had been open with her from the start, she understood how they ended up here. But the one thing she still couldn't wrap her mind around was-

“What made you think I didn't like you back?” she asked, comforted by Felix's grip on her hand and the warm press of her thigh against Jisung's. “I mean, aside from the fact that I was still in denial and in the closet.”

“I flirted with you all the time, and you never flirted back,” she told her with a self-conscious giggle.

“You did?” Jisung goggled, whining and smacking gently at Felix's shoulder when she burst into laughter.

“I still do,” she snickered. “I figured you must have just assumed I was being friendly if you hadn't figured it out yet, and I guess I have a little bit of a masochistic streak.”

“Aren't you just like that with your friends?” Jisung countered, thinking of all the casual touches and the baby’s slipped into conversation.

“A little,” Felix conceded with a shrug. “But not like I am with you.”

That comment about the lingerie she'd bought her over the summer, calling Jisung her favorite girl, sleeping pressed together on their twin mattresses-

All of those things that had made her heart flutter and her stomach flip- that she'd convinced herself to brush off as Felix being Felix- meant something. All this time, while Jisung had been shoving down her feelings until they were compacted and heavy in her gut, Felix had been reaching out- hoping Jisung would reach back.

“I didn't realize…” she said, feeling suddenly guilty for leaving her hanging for so long.

“I know you didn't,” Felix assured her, still holding Jisung's hand in hers. “It's okay.”

Felix's eyes were liquid soft when they met hers. It was the same way she always looked at her, but after her confession, it took Jisung's breath away.

It would take a while to reframe their history in her head, knowing how Felix felt. She hadn't even finished parsing it with her own realizations in mind. But with Felix sitting in front of her, holding her hand and looking at her like that, she thought that maybe she could put off digging through the past for the time being.

Eye contact was dizzying, and Jisung found herself unable to get her mouth or vocal chords to cooperate. Fortunately, Felix appeared to still be in control of her faculties as she gently cupped Jisung's face and swallowed before asking, “Can I-?”

Nodding, Jisung felt like her breath was sucked right out of her lungs when Felix's lips pressed against hers. It wasn't their first kiss, but it was their first kiss since Jisung wasn't mindlessly assuring herself it didn't have to mean anything.

It was their first since she knew how much it meant to both of them.

She wanted to lose herself in it- float away with Felix's scent of peony and vanilla blanketing her senses and Felix's gentle fingers carding through her hair.

But then Felix was pulling back to cup her face with both hands as she looked into Jisung's eyes.

“I love you,” she told her, a slight waver in her throaty voice that matched the tears that glittered at her lashline. “I'm in love with you. It's been you since the day we met.”

The tears spilled over, and Jisung couldn't help the way she welled up in response- a lump aching in her throat as she held tightly to Felix's slender biceps.

“I can't believe this is real,” she sniffled, sure that she was going to wake up with a tear drenched pillow and a blaring alarm at any second.

“Me neither,” Felix agreed, giggling and breaking out into a breathtaking smile that just squeezed another deluge of tears down her cheeks.

Jisung let Felix cradle her face and kiss along her cheeks, her jaw, the corner of her mouth. She giggled when Felix smoothed a thumb across her eyebrow and pressed her lips to the tip of her nose before smudging a kiss to the damp skin beneath her eye.

Foreheads pressed together, Jisung was a little cross-eyed as she looked at Felix and let her body relax into the relief of spilling her feelings into Felix's waiting hands.

But she knew there was more than just this bubble of bliss they had behind the closed door of their room.

As always, Felix sensed the moment Jisung's thoughts turned anxious.

“What is it?” she asked, rubbing her thumb over the ridges of Jisung's knuckles. “What can I do?”

“What happens…next?” she wondered, swallowing against the spike of fear at the thought of having to come out to anyone else.

Sitting up, Felix kept a tight hold of Jisung's hands, but Jisung still mourned the loss of her proximity.

“I guess I should have asked,” Felix started, a little crease between her brows, “what you want to happen. I shouldn't have assumed that just because we both feel the same that you're ready for a relationship. Or want one.”

“I do!” she hurriedly corrected, squeezing Felix's warm palm against her own. “If that's what you want, so do I.”

Everything about what it meant to be with Felix was scary. Except for the being with her part. But even her fear wasn't enough to tempt her to walk away from Felix- her best friend, her first love, her other half.

For as terrifying as accepting her sexuality was and knowing that being herself would present hardships that she would have to deal with for the rest of her life, it all felt less insurmountable with Felix's hand gripped in hers.

“It's everything I want,” Felix confessed, almost wistful in the way she said it. “But I know you're dealing with a lot all at once. We can take it slow, okay? I promise I'm not going anywhere.”

“Does taking it slow mean we don't have to announce our relationship right away or does it mean we don't have sex again right away?” Jisung asked before she could stop herself, surprising a laugh from Felix's lips that wasn't unkind.

“Whatever you want,” she told her warmly, eyes shining with adoration that gripped Jisung's chest so tightly, she struggled to take in a full breath.

“I want to wait to tell people,” Jisung confirmed, letting herself speak her thoughts aloud as she considered what she wanted. “Not forever, or anything. It's just…a lot right now.”

“Of course,” Felix agreed, leaning forward to gently bump her forehead against Jisung's.

“But I don't want to put off having sex again,” she admitted, cheeks hot and heart racing.

Felix's lips curved into a feline smile as she nuzzled against Jisung's cheek and let her lips brush against her ear. “Whatever you want.”

Jisung shivered, heat slithering through her at the puff of Felix's breath against her skin.

“N-now?” she stuttered, fingers flexing in Felix's hold as Felix's other hand cupped her knee through her jeans. Even with the thick fabric in the way, and the fact that they had touched more intimately countless times in more platonic situations, Jisung felt suddenly dizzy.

“Only if you want,” Felix assured her, palm warm on her thigh even as she sat back to meet Jisung's eyes. “I promise I'm in no rush.”

But Jisung's pulse was thrumming in her throat and her vision had gone slightly hazy with want. This was why she'd been avoiding her. If she'd been intending to hide her feelings, she never could have pulled it off.

“I'm also never going to turn down the excuse to touch you,” she added, probably able to see the desire shining out of Jisung's eyes with the intensity of a car's high beams.

Breathing out, Jisung felt herself list forward into Felix's space. She was putty in the orb of Felix's attention, and it was with a whimper of relief that Jisung melted into the kiss that Felix initiated.

She wanted to absorb her into her body. Was that normal? Jisung clutched at Felix's shoulders, sucking on her lips and feeling her need surge with how soft and giving her mouth was. She wanted to eat her alive.

With a jolt, she realized how true that was.

“What?” Felix asked, lips dragging down her throat as her small hands pushed up under her shirt.

She had no idea what she was doing. Surely Felix would have had better. And maybe they ought to just kiss a while- slowly work their way from the emotional conversation to getting naked, but-

“Can I eat you out?” she blurted out, a spear of adrenaline cutting through her chest and making her hands shake. But with Felix's appreciative groan, forehead thunking down on Jisung's shoulder as she cursed, it was anticipation making her tremble- not nerves.

“Yeah, of course,” Felix answered, breathless. “Fuck. You don't even have to ask. Literally, like…just assume the answer to that question is yes from now on, okay?”

Jisung giggled, dizzy from the way Felix was babbling- clearly affected by Jisung in ways she couldn't even begin to wrap her head around.

Felix crossed her arms in front of herself and yanked her fuzzy sweater over her head, leaving her in a simple, nude bra.

“No special lingerie this time?” Jisung teased before feeling a bolt of realization hit her.

It must have shown on her face, because Felix paused after unbuttoning her jeans, a guilty look on her face.

“You wore them on purpose last weekend?” Jisung mused, trying to comprehend a world in which Felix had brought her home hoping that something would happen. “But you thought I didn't like you back?”

“I told you I was a masochist,” Felix told her, sheepish. “I never thought it would really happen, but I psyched myself up every time and hoped for it anyway. My suitcase was full of cute underwear when you came to stay over the summer.”

“But you were still with Changbin then,” she gaped, having assumed any lacey undergarments she caught sight of were for his benefit.

“I'm not proud of it, but if you'd kissed me, I wouldn't have cared that I had a boyfriend,” Felix confessed, cheeks red with shame. “I would have dumped him in a second if I thought I had a chance with you. Which is why he dumped me. And he was right to.”

Jisung blew out a breath. It was still so much to take in. How many times had Felix been wearing a matching set of underwear for her benefit? It still felt unreal, despite Felix being in front of her in just her jeans and bra.

“You still-?”

“Yes,” Jisung cut in, trying to keep herself from dropping to her knees abruptly to press her face into Felix's taut abdomen.

Standing from the bed, Felix unzipped her pants and made a little show of shimmying them down her thighs to reveal a simple pair of cotton underwear with pink and orange hearts covering them.

They might not have been like the frothy confections Felix bought for the purpose of looking sexy, but Jisung's mouth still watered when she thought of pressing her lips against Felix through them.

When she sat back down next to Jisung on the bed, Felix paused- eying her t-shirt. Bolstering her confidence with Felix's obvious want, Jisung pulled the shirt over her head before she could lose her nerve- smoothing down her hair as Felix zeroed in on her cleavage in a way that had her head spinning.

“You're seriously so sexy, Sung,” Felix marveled, one palm cupping her through her bra and the other coming up to cradle her jaw. “I've been going insane.”

“You've been going insane?” Jisung countered disbelievingly. “I don't sunbathe topless. Or go streaking. Or give my friends lapdances. Or buy a bunch of lingerie for you to picture me in!”

“You should, though” Felix told her with a playful grin, and Jisung grumbled even as she flushed at the thought of doing any of those things for Felix to ogle her. “Actually, have you worn that set I bought you? Did you wear it when you…?”

“With Seungmin?” Jisung cringed and then sent a mental apology to the man in question. “No. That was not pre-meditated at all.”

Felix nodded, looking relieved, and Jisung selfishly reveled in the thought of Felix being jealous of her being with Seungmin when their roles had been reversed so many times.

“Can I…see you in it?”

“Now?” Jisung asked, heat flushing through her at Felix picturing her in the lingerie she'd bought her. And feeling even warmer when she considered how it would feel to dress up in it specifically for Felix to see.

“Only if you want to,” Felix hedged, wetting her lower lip with her tongue and clenching her fingers into the bare skin of her thighs.

“So I get to be the one with cute underwear this time?” Jisung teased, gaze still getting stuck at the subtle shadow between Felix's breasts and the indentation where the elastic of her panties cut into the flesh of her hip.

Felix laughed, eyes dark as they followed Jisung's movements as she got up to walk to her dresser.

The magenta mesh stood out amidst the cotton of her other underwear.

“You can't look while I change,” Jisung told her, holding the bra and panties behind her back, balled up in her fist, like it was a secret and Felix hadn't been the one to select it in the first place. “That's cheating.”

“Okay, okay,” Felix agreed, eyes falling shut easily as a smile settled on her face. “I have to see you in it before I take it off you to see what's underneath.”

“Felix!” she whined, skin hot as she pulled her shirt over her head and watched to make sure Felix's eyes stayed closed, even as her full lips stretched into a playful grin.

The air was cold against her skin as she undressed, replacing her soft white bra with the one made of mesh. Her nipples were peaked and even more visible with the way they pressed against the already sheer fabric.

When she pulled down her underwear, it stuck to her briefly and boasted a slick smear on the gusset when Jisung looked down at the discarded fabric on the floor. Flushing, she stepped into the ruched panties and knew that the material was already getting wet.

Before telling Felix she was done, Jisung glanced at herself in the full-length mirror on the closet door and felt a strange mix of embarrassment and pride. Felix had been right- the color was perfect on her. The bright magenta brought out the honey tones in her skin and matched the heated flush of her cheeks. The underwear made her butt look like a peach, and the underwire of the bra pushed up her relatively small breasts so the swell of cleavage was more than she was used to.

But even though she looked good, it was hard not to feel at least a little self conscious with how little the fabric left to the imagination. Her nipples were clearly visible, both the shape and color, and though there was a lining in the underwear for comfort, the mesh showed off the dark curls at the apex of her thighs.

More than anything, though, she wanted Felix to see her in the lingerie she'd picked out. She wanted Felix to think she looked hot and be unable to keep her hands off her. Just thinking about it had her throbbing between her legs, and with Felix waiting for her on the bed, there was no need to wait any longer.

“Okay,” she said, only slightly louder than a whisper but the sound of her voice still felt too loud in the quiet of the room.

Felix's eyes fluttered open, and the reaction was immediate. Her eyes darkened as she took Jisung in- gaze lingering on her chest, her belly, the place that her underwear barely covered.

Jisung did her best not to shrink into herself even as her pulse thundered in her ears.

“Holy shit,” Felix breathed, voice raspy like she'd forgotten how to speak. “You're so sexy. Please c'mere.”

Even without the request, Jisung thought she'd have found herself stumbling forward- caught in Felix's gravitational pull.

Before she could sit primly next to Felix on the mattress again, Felix steered her so that she was climbing into her lap- straddling Felix's thighs and holding onto her bony shoulders to keep her balance.

“Hi, baby,” Felix murmured, looking up at her with so much reverence it made her dizzy.

Jisung let out a trembling breath, melting into the warm body beneath her and letting her forehead rest against Felix's as she breathed through the rush of feelings. “Hi.”

“We don't have to do anything if you don't want to,” Felix told her, fingers sliding into the hair behind her ear and pressing her fingertips gently into her scalp.

“I thought I was eating you out,” Jisung replied automatically, and Felix burst into a laugh that had Jisung giggling along with her.

“You can,” Felix assured her, grinning and looking at Jisung as well as she could with how close their faces were. “You definitely can.”

“Good,” Jisung answered, cupping Felix's jaw with her palm. And then they were kissing again.

Felix's mouth was warm underneath hers- plush lips giving and opening under the slightest brush of her tongue. The moan that hummed between them could have come from Felix's chest just as easily as it could have come from Jisung's. Maybe it was both of them.

Like the first time they'd done this, Jisung felt like she couldn't get close enough- wishing she could suck Felix's whole being into her with her lips. But unlike the first time, she didn't have the frenzied feeling of needing to siphon out every bit of the experience in fear that it would never happen again.

Still, that didn't dim her burning need for Felix or do anything to lessen her desperation to give Felix everything she had and take anything she was offered in return.

Hands smoothing over the skin of Felix's back, Jisung let her fingers catch on the clasp of her bra. She pinched it, and felt it pop open under her grip, sitting back to let Felix shimmy it down her arms to toss away.

Despite her eagerness to put her mouth to use in other places, Jisung couldn't stop herself from cupping her breasts reverently- dragging her thumbs over the peaks of her nipples to listen to her breath catch.

She couldn't believe that Felix wanted her, really wanted her. Not just for tonight, but for the unforeseeable future too. This perfect person whose eyes were wet with desire and love, whose skin was warm under the touch of her hands, and whose beautiful heart thrummed just behind her ribcage loved her.

“Felix,” she breathed in adoration, unsure if she was more likely to burst into tears or start grinding uncontrollably against her thigh.

“I know,” Felix soothed, breaths heavy as she pressed her chest into Jisung's hands. “I know.”

Felix pulled her in for another kiss, easing back on the mattress so she was on her back with Jisung hovering over her- still straddling her hips.

With the hand not braced against the mattress above Felix's shoulder, Jisung kneaded her breast and worried her stiff nipple until she gasped into her mouth. It was easy to trail her lips down Felix's jaw to her pulse point, sucking gently at the thin skin that thrummed under her mouth before skimming her way down the smooth flesh of her throat and sternum. Her mouth latched around the nipple she wasn't already touching, and Jisung felt her whole body throb at the short little cry Felix let out before stifling her sounds with a palm over her mouth.

Jisung wished they had the freedom of being in Felix's house alone. Or close enough to alone. She wanted hear every sound she could pull from her and learn every different way she could make her moan. But they were in a bustling sorority house, and Jisung was under no illusion that their business wouldn't be everywhere within minutes if the other girls heard them through the walls.

When she glanced up at Felix's face, she saw she was watching her with dark, wet eyes- teeth biting into her lower lip and hand hovering close to her mouth. Jisung had to squeeze her eyes shut against the wave of arousal that crashed over her even as she sucked at Felix's nipple and felt the tremor of Felix's body underneath hers.

Maybe next time she could take the time to press her lips against every inch of Felix's skin to find each spot that made her tremble, but for right then, her head was spinning with adrenaline, lust, and nerves. Scooting further down the bed, Jisung let her spit-slick lips drag down Felix's warm stomach to the elastic of her underwear. The printed hearts were just a little bit faded from multiple washes, and something about these being lived-in panties, rather than something special Felix only brought out for special occasions, had the reality of what they were doing hitting her that much harder.

This was Felix- her Felix who stayed up too late watching movies on her portable DVD player and put off doing laundry until it took both of them to haul her hamper down the hall to the laundry room. The same Felix who'd told Jisung she loved her was the same one who forgot to put the lid on the blender in the sorority kitchen and splashed strawberry smoothie all over the cabinets and herself. The warm thigh under Jisung's cheek was attached to her best friend who once stayed up until five in the morning with her because Jisung had accidentally had too much caffeine, and Felix didn't want her to be sleepless alone.

Pressing a reverent kiss to the soft swell of Felix's inner thigh, Jisung pushed down the part of her that wanted to cry in disbelief in favor of the more tempting option of pressing her palm to thin cotton that covered the heat of Felix's center. The fact that the material was wet just had her burying a moan into the junction of her hip and thigh- the potent musky scent of her arousal hitting her square in the chest.

It wasn't a conscious choice to kiss against her through the material- she was drawn there like a moth to a flame. Felix's scent was even more potent there, and her groan of appreciation echoed Felix's at the contact.

There was still that part of her that worried about her lack of experience. She'd been able to make Felix come last time, but unlike any skill she might have acquired from using her fingers on herself, she certainly wasn't able to practice using her mouth without another person present. But even with her nerves, the feeling of comfort that came with being in Felix's presence was still as powerful when stationed between her legs.

Felix immediately lifted her hips when Jisung tugged at the waistband of her underwear- as eager to get the material off as Jisung was. And then Jisung was face to face with Felix's arousal- glittering in the light of her bedside table lamp. The swoop in her belly and the way her mouth watered left absolutely no chance that Jisung might have been mistaken about her sexuality. In fact, she wondered if it was possible to pass out from every last drop of blood still present in her head draining down to throb between her legs.

Dragging a finger through the glistening wetness, Jisung nearly held her breath with reverence as she watched Felix's hole clench at her touch- folds flushed such a pretty pink. Trepidations pushed aside by pure want, she leaned forward and licked a careful path from her fluttering opening to her swollen clit. The taste was similar to her own, but she swore Felix was less musky with a hint of almost-sweetness.

Felix's fingers tangled in her hair, and Jisung's confidence surged at the appreciative gasp and the tremble of Felix's thighs when she licked her again.

Jisung easily sunk into a rhythm as she lapped at Felix's clit. She could have nearly reached a meditative state were it not for the scream of arousal between her own thighs. So content to lave and suck at Felix's folds in perpetuity, she was nearly startled when Felix's hand found hers where it was holding onto her thigh.

“Inside,” Felix gasped, scrabbling at her fingers until Jisung took the hint and plunged two into the heat of her body. The resounding keen felt like it was vibrating through her own body as she clenched her thighs and reestablished her rhythm.

Truthfully, her jaw was starting to ache as she laved against Felix's arousal, but the barely-muffled sounds of pleasure were more than enough to keep her going. She wanted to feel Felix coming against her mouth and around her fingers even more than she craved her own release.

“Jisung, oh my god,” Felix whimpered, rocking her hips to grind against Jisung's tongue. “I'm gonna come. I'm gon-”

The cry was buried in her pillow when Felix turned her head, and Jisung's own moan was muffled against Felix folds as she worked her through her orgasm. She wondered if it would ever get less surreal that Felix wanted her and that she got to draw pleasure from her like this.

Felix's legs shook as she gasped through the last waves of her release before melting bonelessly into the mattress.

“Oh fuck,” she breathed, petting against Jisung's hair and letting her fingers graze the shell of her ear. “Come here.”

Jisung pushed herself up and wiped her lips and chin with the back of her wrist as she crawled up Felix's body until Felix could pull her down for a kiss. Knowing that Felix was tasting herself on her tongue made Jisung's insides clench with need.

“Was it okay?” Jisung asked against her lips- elbow braced over Felix shoulder and her thigh strewn across Felix's hip.

“Oh my god, baby,” Felix murmured into the kiss, still catching her breath. “So good. You're incredible. That was so, so good.”

Jisung glowed under the praise. Everything about Felix made her feel incandescent. And the shimmer of Felix's eyes as they drank her in reminded her of the warm light she could feel burning in her chest.

“Can I make you come?” Felix asked her, tucking a stray strand of hair gently behind her ear as she pressed kisses to the corner of her lips and her cheeks and her jaw. “I want to make you feel good too, my pretty girl.”

The whimper that burbled from her throat at the endearment was nearly a sob, and Jisung nodded hastily- trembling under the soft touch of Felix's fingers on her back and on her waist.

It was easy to let Felix's sure hands direct her, scooting up and bracing her knees on either side of Felix's hips to allow Felix to angle her head and suck her nipple into her mouth through the mesh fabric of her bra.

“I told you only to wear this if you thought about me,” she reminded her, biting at the stiff nub and startling a cry out of Jisung's throat before she sealed her lips against any other sounds.

“I never wore it,” Jisung promised, arching into Felix's touch as she rolled the stiff peak between her fingers.

“But did you think about me?” she prompted, voice throaty and fingers sure as she deftly unhooked the bra and helped Jisung slide it off her arms.

“When?” Jisung asked, gasping when Felix's mouth found her bare breasts and continued to send jolts of pleasure through her with each slide of her tongue and pinch of her fingers.

Felix's dark eyes flicked up to meet hers, but she didn't pull away from where she was sucking at her nipple to answer.

You know when. Jisung knew what that look meant, and it had her burning under Felix's mouth and her gaze.

“I- thought about you,” she offered, embarrassment singeing her from the inside out as she shuddered with the need for Felix to touch her where she was aching.

“When?” Felix parroted back with a sparkle of teasing in her eyes, breath puffing hot and turning cool where her saliva wet her skin.

The whine was as much a complaint at having to articulate it as it was a reaction to Felix's fingers pressing against her through her underwear.

She knew Felix could already feel how soaked the fabric was.

“When I touched myself,” she gasped- the truth too slippery as Felix's blunt nails dragged over the drenched mesh and sent shivers up her spine. “Not always. I didn't let myself. But s-sometimes.”

Felix hummed, pleased, as she managed to rub her fingers right against Jisung's swollen clit through the material. Jisung moaned- chest pressing toward Felix's tongue and his rocking down to meet her fingers.

“When I-” she went on, confessions pouring out now that the seal had been broken. “When I had sex with Seungmin…”

Wincing, Jisung knew bringing him into this now was definitely not socially acceptable, but the truth was coming up whether she wanted it to or not. Felix's hands on her skin and her mouth on her breasts…she was coming apart at the seams and everything was spilling out.

“I thought about what you would do,” she hastily continued before she could linger on anything that wasn't her desire for Felix for too long. “I closed my eyes and pictured you in my place.”

Felix was listening to her patiently when Jisung risked a glance down at her- lips hovering over her sternum.

“I-I thought about you and how you'd move and moan and look when you came,” she babbled, jerking her hips down against Felix's fingers desperately despite the humiliation she was subjecting herself to with this confession. “Picturing your face was the o-only way I was able to come.”

She shuddered, clit throbbing hard enough to ache. Felix's touch through the fabric was just enough contact to drive her crazy but not enough to ease the tightness coiling in her gut.

“Jesus,” Felix breathed before hooking her hand around Jisung's nape to pull her down for a kiss.

Jisung whimpered when Felix sucked on her tongue.

“That's the hottest thing I've ever heard,” she murmured against Jisung's lips, massaging her maddeningly through her underwear.

“Please,” Jisung begged with no shame left to lose.

If she was less desperate, she'd have had the presence of mind to be embarrassed by the moan of relief she let out at the feeling of Felix hooking her fingers into the elastic of her underwear and pulling the sodden material down her thighs. But all she could think of was the feeling of Felix's insistent fingers against her skin and how good it would feel to finally have what she wanted.

If she was less desperate, she might have noticed that Felix was guiding her to shuffle forward on her knees after lifting a leg to kick her panties off. She definitely would have realized what Felix's intent was long before arms were hooking around her thighs and she was being pulled down against Felix's eager mouth.

She yelped, wobbling as she found her balance and gripped onto the headboard to keep from dropping right onto Felix's face.

“What if I fall on you?” she fretted, squeezing her eyes closed against a wave of pleasure drawn forth by Felix's tongue.

“I've got you,” Felix promised, words nearly lost in her cunt as she slid her tongue inside of Jisung and had her crying out.

Was it the build up? Or the position? Jisung felt more sensitive than ever before with Felix licking into her like she wanted to devour her whole. Her nerve endings were on fire and she was sure she could feel every slight movement of the air against her bare skin.

“Oh,” she gasped, holding tightly to the headboard as her thighs shook. Already her orgasm was mounting- the flood of pleasure threatening to drown her with every flick and wriggle of Felix's tongue.

Felix went back to laving at her pulsing clit, and Jisung bit down on her lower lip so hard she could taste a hint of blood on her tongue. Her muscles were trembling, and she wasn't convinced her strength wasn't going to give out and have her smothering Felix at the first wave of her release overtook her.

“‘m gonna fall,” she panted, her instability making the headboard rattle against the wall. “Lemme lay down. Gonna come. I can't. I-”

To her relief and dismay, Felix pulled back from her flesh to peer up at her with darkened eyes filled with reverence.

“Okay, it's okay,” she soothed, petting against Jisung's hip with a warm hand. “Can you move your leg to this side?”

She helped Jisung settle herself down on her back, muscles slack as soon as she was no longer tasked with holding herself up, before pushing herself up and crawling backwards down Jisung's prone body.

“Felix,” she whimpered, clutching at her blonde tresses as she settled between her legs.

“Just relax,” Felix told her, palms pressing her thighs wide as she leveled her face with Jisung's arousal. “I'll make you come, baby. Just lay back, okay?”

Her need for release was enough to have banished any remaining embarrassment, and Jisung barely even considered the fact that she was gently rocking her hips like the friction from the air might soothe the ache between her thighs.

Fortunately, Felix didn't make her wait- diving back in to swirl her tongue through her folds as she hooked an arm around her hip to pet softly at her mound. The contrast between the insistence of her mouth and the gentleness of her fingers only served to enhance both touches until she was overwhelmed and buzzing with the contact.

Felix's tongue against her throbbing clit had pleasure mounting in her gut, and Jisung couldn't keep her body still, even with Felix's hold against her hip.

She wanted to come- needed it- but letting go meant that the excruciatingly euphoric build up was going to end. So despite her desperation, she forced herself to hold off just a little bit longer- shaking against the sweaty sheets and tasting her impending release on the back of her tongue.

But all good things must come to an end. As she felt her tenuous control snapping, Jisung instinctively pressed her hand to her mouth before her wail of satisfaction could break free.

Felix's mouth continued to work over her slick flesh as her orgasm crested and broke over her like a deluge of warm water fit to drown her. Her head spun and her body thrashed against Felix's hold as she whimpered into her palm and came with the sound of her own pulse echoed in her ears.

As the electrifying surges of pleasure gentled and settled into a hum just under her skin, Jisung was aware of Felix's lips pressing kisses between her legs. Her soft mouth traveled to her hips and her belly, her sternum and her chest. Her neck. And finally her lips as she tasted her own musk on Felix's tongue.

“Felix,” she murmured, lost for any other words besides that as she felt the warmth of Felix's skin against her body.

When her fingers stopped tingling and her arms stopped buzzing enough for her to regain control of her limbs, Jisung found herself squeezing Felix to her in a tight embrace- as though they could get any closer than they already were with their skin fusing together with drying sweat.

“I'm here,” Felix whispered against her lips, bending slightly to pull the duvet over both of them. “Don't spiral again. I'm here. We can work through anything you get worried about, yeah?”

Jisung nodded, still clinging to Felix in a way that must have made it seem as though she was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, when in reality, she just was overwhelmed with affection and closeness like she'd never felt.

“I won't,” she promised against Felix's ear, wrapping her leg around Felix's calves to keep them close. “I can't promise I won't get anxious about anything. I mean, I'll have to tell my parents at some point. And my friends from home? And here?”

She blew out a breath. This was exactly what she was trying not to fixate on right now in order to not spiral.

“But I won't freak out like last time and avoid you,” she clarified, feeling Felix's hold on her tighten as well. “I'm sorry. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Felix answered, smile in her voice as she pressed a gentle kiss to Jisung's shoulder before pulling back just enough to meet her eyes. “I know it's scary. Even for me. But we'll get through it together.”

Jisung nodded. Her worries hadn't disappeared, but she trusted Felix implicitly. She knew that Felix would be beside her for every hurdle they faced. In that, she had no doubt.

When they inevitably had to get up and dressed to forage for a very late dinner in the kitchen, they'd have to take the first step back into reality. And waking up in the morning and having to separate to go to their respective classes would be another step.

But for now, Jisung decided to allow herself to shut off her brain and lose herself in the warmth of Felix's skin and the safety of her arms. Even just for stolen moments like this, everything would be worth it.

---

Subtly shifting their relationship from platonic best friends with no boundaries to girlfriends was unreasonably easy. It really drove home how unusually close they had been before that sex was pretty much the only tangible thing that changed between them.

And since all their friends were used to typical personal space rules not applying to the two of them, no one batted an eye when Felix pulled Jisung down on the couch, half into her lap, when they settled in to watch a movie on Friday night. If Felix held Jisung's hand as they ascended the stairs toward their shared room, none of the other girls in the sorority thought anything of it. Short of making out in the living room, there was little they could do now that they hadn't been known to do before.

But behind closed doors, the shift was palpable from the second their door shut behind them. Jisung thought they must have been making up for lost time with the way they wound up kissing and entwined together more often than not. It was lucky she'd gotten ahead on homework while camping out in the library to avoid Felix briefly. That gave her enough wiggle room to slack off and make out with her girlfriend for the first few days of their fresh relationship.

Once she found herself unable to put off school work any longer and Felix had a paper to write, they used sex as an incentive to get their work done. Unsurprisingly, Jisung had never been so motivated to complete a bibliography in her life. Though Felex flashing the lacey waistband of her underwear over the top of her low rise jeans was extremely distracting.

It was all almost too easy. Of course Jisung would have to come out to her parents at some point. And while she was reasonably confident they wouldn't disown her or anything so drastic, it wasn't a conversation she was looking forward to having. But she wasn't going to do it over the phone, so there was no reason to even think about that until winter break.

Her friends from home were even less of a concern. Sure, she wanted to be honest with them and not lie by omission for the rest of her life, but there wasn't any ticking clock on when she had to tell them by. Maybe the time would feel right when she saw them over the holidays. Maybe she wouldn't feel ready. But that was okay. The only friend it would have been impossible to keep something like this from was Felix, and that wasn't exactly a problem she was facing, given the circumstances.

The surprising lack of worry, partly thanks to Felix's endless assurances…and talented fingers, must have lulled her into a false sense of security. And apparently her own skills were enough to have Felix off her game as well. Because there was no reason that they should have forgotten to lock the door.

They'd just come back from dinner, and after not being alone together since before lunch, they'd barely made it three feet inside their room before they were kissing.

And when the door suddenly flew open, that's how Hyunjin found them- pressed together with Jisung's arms wrapped around Felix's shoulders and Felix's clutching tight to Jisung's waist.

The sound of the door had them jumping apart with Jisung nearly tripping over a book and falling on her butt from backing up so abruptly. But the damage had been done.

“I…should have knocked,” Hyunjin stuttered, and Jisung felt like she was going to pass out with how hard her heart was racing.

Already, her hands were trembling, and her legs felt weak. This was it. Everyone was going to know. No waiting until they were ready. No choosing how they wanted to do it.

When she walked across campus, people would look at her and know. They'd probably whisper about her. That's her, the lesbian. I'm glad I'm not in her sorority. It must be so uncomfortable.

Oh fuck. Was she going to get kicked out of the sorority? Was Felix?

This was so bad. It was so b-

“Hyunjin, do you want to come in for a sec? To talk?”

Felix's voice sounded steady, but Jisung could see the fear in the tension of her shoulders and the tightness of her jaw.

Suddenly the warm air the radiator was spitting out felt stifling.

Hyunjin nodded, eyebrows raised and face still somewhat stricken by what she'd walked in on, though the almost harried way she closed the door behind her made Jisung think she was going out of her way to be compliant in what was hopefully a demonstration of not-disgust.

“Sorry you had to find out like that,” Felix started, fingers clutched around the edges of her sweater sleeves.

“I should have knocked,” Hyunjin repeated. Which…sure. But there'd been countless times before this when Hyunjin had burst in, and it hadn't mattered. They'd never told her she had to. “So, is this…new?”

She looked between them, and Jisung found herself flushing under Hyunjin's gaze, no matter how benign it seemed.

Jisung found herself nodding for something to do with herself that wasn't just standing there, waiting for judgment.

“We're together,” Felix clarified. “Not just fooling around.”

Nodding again, Jisung was glad that Felix was here to do that talking. It wouldn't have occurred to her to consider anyone would think differently. To her, it seemed impossible that she could want any less of Felix than all of her. Friends with benefits would probably destroy her. And considering how she'd panicked when she thought Felix had only slept with her for fun, it kind of already had.

Somehow, instead of complete shock or discomfort at learning that two of her friends had been in a secret relationship with each other, Hyunjin's lips pulled into a gentle smile.

“I'm happy for you guys,” she told her, looking between them again with no hint of deceit on her face.

“Really?” Jisung blurted before she could stop herself, and Hyunjin laughed- her easy, friendly laughter that contained no mocking whatsoever.

“Well, yeah,” she said, eyes creased with her amused smile. “Why wouldn't I be?”

Jisung didn't know how to answer that.

“I know it puts you in an awkward position, but would you mind not telling anyone about us for now?” Felix asked, hands clasped nervously in front of her. She glanced at Jisung worriedly, and Jisung got the impression that she was more concerned with how Jisung would react to anyone else finding out than her own privacy. “It's just early, and you know how people can be-”

“Of course,” Hyunjin cut her off, waving a manicured hand like it was no big deal. “I hate to say it, but I know a couple of the girls would be such bitches about it for no reason. I'm really not interested in hearing about their personal views on gay people, so let's spare ourselves.”

Jisung choked on a surprised laugh, and Felix stepped forward to clutch Hyunjin's hands gratefully.

“Thank you so much,” she gushed. “Thank you for understanding.”

“Obviously,” Hyunjin playfully scoffed, accepting the hug Felix spontaneously melted into with grace. “You guys are, like, 80% of the reason I stay sane in this sorority.”

Felix might have been trying to surreptitiously wipe her eyes when she pulled back from the hug, but Hyunjin was nice enough to pretend she didn't notice.

“Thank you,” Jisung mumbled, hands clasped behind her back and gaze anywhere but Hyunjin's eyes. She was so grateful that Hyunjin was being cool about her and Felix, but she still felt so raw and vulnerable from having her biggest secret suddenly known by someone new without her decision to tell them.

Luckily, Hyunjin had known her since freshman year, so she knew not to expect Felix levels of affection. Or eye contact.

Hyunjin briefly squeezed her shoulder with a tender smile before stepping back to give Jisung the space to breathe and process.

“You guys have to stop thanking me like I'm doing something special,” she teased, accepting the hand Felix held out to grasp. “I'm gonna get a complex.”

“It is special,” Felix insisted, and Hyunjin chuckled.

“What did I just say?”

Felix squeezed her hand before finally letting it drop and taking a deep breath.

“Sorry, did you need something? When you came in before?” Felix asked, wiping beneath her damp lower lashes one more time.

“Oh, I was just bored,” Hyunjin laughed. “I can go bother someone else.”

“You don't have t-”

“You guys seem busy,” Hyunjin joked, wiggling her eyebrows, and tossing her head back on a playful cackle when Jisung and Felix both flushed pink. “I'll see you tomorrow!”

And with that, she had swept out of the room like it was any other day, and she'd just come in to borrow Felix's hair straightener or something.

Jisung sunk onto her bed like her strings had been cut.

Felix joined her. After locking the door.

They both flopped back on the mattress, and Jisung felt like she’d run a marathon.

“That could have gone worse,” Jisung observed, and Felix broke into the type of maniacal giggling that happened when subjected ro the potent cocktail of adrenaline and relief.

“Thank god it was Hyunjin,” Felix said after regaining her breath, rolling to the side to wrap an arm around Jisung’s waist.

Jisung made an affirmative hum in response. There were certainly other girls in their sorority who would have reacted similarly, but there were also some who would have made their distaste and disapproval everyone else's problem.

Jisung didn't want to even think about that yet. They'd cross that very unpleasant bridge when they came to it.

“How do you feel?” Felix asked, propping her chin on Jisung’s shoulder to peer up at her face.

“Shaky,” Jisung admitted, limbs tingling with leftover adrenaline and fear. “But a little relieved.”

Felix nodded, expression open and encouraging.

“Like, I figured Hyunjin wasn't going to be an asshole about it,” she explained, threading her fingers through Felix's where they rested on her stomach. “But it's comforting to know for sure. And know that the world isn't going to end if someone finds out.”

Felix beamed, lurching forward to press a kiss to Jisung’s lips before flopping back at her side and starting to gnaw on her shoulder.

“Ah!” Jisung yelped, overdramatic. “Why am I getting bitten?”

“Because I love you,” Felix happily informed her, hooking her leg over Jisung’s thighs to keep her in place while teething on her bicep.

Jisung thrashed and pretended to try to escape Felix's hold and her sharp, little teeth, but when they both dissolved into giggles and curled up together to catch their breath, she was exactly where she wanted to be.

>>>

July 2003

Jisung listened to the sound of water lapping against the tiled walls of the pool, the calming rhythm soothing her into an almost-doze. The sun was hot on her skin, and she felt like she imagined those cute little lizards sitting on their rocks felt- utterly blissful.

She'd slathered herself with sunscreen before laying down on the lounge chair, but she knew it was nearly time to reapply. Hopefully, she would manage a golden tan without the discomfort of a flaming pink burn that had to peel and fade first.

Still, the light breeze and the heat of the day lulled her into stasis that nearly made her miss the sound of wet feet against flagstones. As it was, she still startled at the sudden weight across her lap and the droplets of cool water that fell against her sun-warmed skin.

Eyes wide behind her sunglasses, Jisung let out a squeak as Felix draped her dripping body over Jisung's and made a noise in her throat that was somewhere between a growl and a purr. If humans could properly do either of those things.

“Hi,” she said, nose touching Jisung’s as she grinned.

“Hi,” Jisung laughed, hands instinctively coming up to rest on Felix's hips- skin cold from the pool against her warm palms.

“Missed you,” Felix complained, though she was still smiling as she pressed a line of kisses along Jisung's jaw and her hair continued to drip cool water down Jisung’s chest.

Jisung hummed, letting her head fall back in bliss as kisses were trailed down her neck. “Me too.”

It was hard to believe she'd ever managed to convince herself that her feelings for Felix were anything less than romantic. It was difficult to imagine that, one year ago, she'd been averting her eyes from Felix's body, stretched out on a lounge chair, and telling herself she was just being polite.

Now, she could look all she wanted. And she did. Touch, too.

Felix shivered when Jisung let her hand follow the curve of her hip to lightly squeeze her ass.

“Maybe we should go in and shower so I can fuck you in bed,” she murmured against Jisung's throat.

“Oh, you don't want to do that here?” Jisung teased, lifting her head to press a kiss to Felix's full lips. “Or you're worried the neighbors can see back here?”

“Don't tempt me,” she groaned into Jisung's mouth before biting down on her lower lip.

Jisung yelped, lip throbbing as much as she was between her legs.

“Sorry,” Felix soothed, gently sucking her lip into her mouth and laving it with her tongue. “You're too much, I can't stand it. Have to bite.”

Laughing, Jisung wrapped her arms around Felix's waist to pull her against her body and squeeze with both her arms and legs like a koala. She understood the feeling.

Being in love with her best friend came easily and made her feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Still, the last several months had given them a taste of the parts that weren't so easy- the parts that would have been simple if they both weren't girls.

Over winter break (and between long phone calls with Felix that she had to cut off when her dad needed the phone line to check his emails), Jisung psyched herself up to tell her parents that she was gay.

On one hand, there wasn't a rush. It wasn't as though she lived at home anymore, so her dating a girl wasn't something that would be obvious enough that she had to acknowledge it or actively hide it (though her mom kept sighing at her about how long she was spending on the phone). But she still didn't feel comfortable lying by omission.

In the few pieces of queer media she had seen, there was always a dramatic coming out scene where the gay character would sit their parents down at the kitchen table and somberly tell them that they were gay. Except just the thought of that made her skin itch and her heart try to beat its way out of her body before it would have to be present for something like that.

Instead, she mustered up all her courage when she was helping her mom with dinner one night and her dad was still at work. She'd gripped the edge of the laminate countertop with her shaking fingers and told her mom that she was a lesbian.

It had been months, but the word still felt so foreign and bizarre in her mouth.

Her mom had blinked at her, turned the stove off, and gently asked several follow-up questions that kind of boiled down to are you sure, which was slightly frustrating but well-meaning. After listening to Jisung's answers, and by that point, being entirely unsurprised when Jisung announced that she was dating Felix, her mom had squeezed her hand and told her that she loved her.

Jisung's knees had nearly given out with relief.

After all that, having to come out again to her dad felt like too much, so she asked her mom if she would mind maybe telling him for her when she was out of the house with her high school friends at lunch the next day. And even though they'd all talked when she got home, it saved her the heart-pounding anxiety of having to say the words again.

All in all, she knew how lucky she was that both her parents still loved and supported her, even if they were pretty clueless when it came to any queer-related issues. At least they were trying to understand. And her mom had told her that Felix was welcome to come visit anytime, which would have been more practical if she didn't live four hours away. But the offer was nice anyway.

Her friends had somehow been scarier.

Not that she expected them to be homophobic or anything. They were all open minded, and she'd heard them mention gay guys they knew from their respective colleges fondly. But once her friends knew, she understood that other people she had gone to high school would inevitably find out, and even though her friends were the only ones she saw with any regularity, the idea of her former classmates knowing she was a lesbian filled her with dread.

“Who even cares what they think?” Felix had asked her over the phone two days after Christmas, Jisung's ear warm where the plastic earpiece pressed against it from talking for so long. “Didn't you say someone from your class ended up in jail?”

Jisung snorted, bringing the handset away from her face to check the battery on the read-out. She was going to have to put it back on the base soon so it would charge, but she didn't want to stop talking to Felix just yet.

“Yeah, but that's just it,” she explained, rolling onto her back on her bed and feeling her duvet bunch up under the small of her back. “When that happened, everyone was gossiping about it when they were home for summer vacation. I don't want my sexuality to be the next big news story.”

Felix hummed, considering, and Jisung closed her eyes so she could pretend that Felix was next to her instead of four hours and a phone line away.

“That makes sense,” she said, fabric shuffling in the background so Jisung could picture her splayed out on her big bed with her pink blanket and cloud-print sheets. “You don't have to rush to tell them if you don't want to. But even if people find out, it won't be like you're in prison. I bet some of the girls will wish they hadn't missed their chance with you.”

Jisung spluttered out half a denial, and Felix laughed warmly in her ear.

“That's so not true,” Jisung insisted, blushing even though Felix was mostly just teasing to make her feel better.

“It so is!” Felix sang into the phone, and Jisung laughed, feeling warm all the way to the marrow of her bones.

She knew that Felix was right. Not about any girls she'd gone to high school with wanting her. About not having to rush. There was no deadline that said she had to tell her friends before the end of winter break. But there was a part of her that worried that if she didn't tell them now, she'd just keep putting it off.

That was the driving force that had her blurting it out in the car at midnight when they'd all been on the way back to town after a late movie.

The car had been silent, save for the engine and the rattle of the hot air blowing from the vents. And then it was three layered voices telling her that they were proud of her, that it was okay to be gay, that they supported her no matter what.

She'd known it would be like this. Even if any of them were weirded out, they'd never say it to her face, at least. But they sounded sincere, and Jisung blew out a shaky breath before starting on the questions they lobbed at her. When did you realize? Did you know in high school? Have you told your parents? Do you have a girlfriend?

When she told them she was dating Felix, one of them shrieked that they knew it. And another marveled that Felix was so pretty. Which she was, of course. But Jisung sulked, claiming that they were implying that she wasn't hot enough to land someone like Felix until they were falling over themselves to assure her that wasn't true as Jisung cackled with relief as their usual banter clicked back into place.

Falling into bed that night, she felt lighter than she had in a long, long time.

But she hadn't been horribly surprised when not everyone who found out about her and Felix was quite so accepting.

Slowly, she and Felix and begun telling trusted friends about their relationship. Aside from Hyunjin, a couple other girls from their sorority felt safe to confide in, and Felix ended up telling Changbin who was jubilant over their relationship and the fact that he'd been spot on with his observations.

However, everyone knows that the more people to learn a secret, the more likely that the secret won't remain a secret for long.

It had been a calculated risk, telling people. So neither Jisung or Felix were entirely surprised when they walked into the sorority after having lunch and found three of the girls standing around the kitchen island with their arms crossed and a demand to know if the rumors were true.

It had been a calculated risk, but Jisung felt her skin flash cold at the accusation- hands and feet prickling with pins and needles. She'd heard Felix suck in a breath before she grabbed for Jisung’s tingling fingers and told them yes.

There had been an emergency house meeting after that, the topic of concern the most egregious since they'd had to waste thirty minutes on why Gahyun wasn't smiley enough for some of the girls’ tastes first thing in the morning.

“I just think it's important to address this…development to make sure everyone is comfortable with it,” Hwayoung had explained to everyone gathered in the living room. “We're a family, so we should listen to the concerns of our sisters.”

From what Jisung could tell, Hwayoung and her close friends were the ones with the concerns. But as a senior member, no one was going to stop her from airing them under the guise of sisterhood.

Jisung wanted to crawl under the floorboards, feeling like the eyes of nearly the whole sorority were fixed on her and Felix.

“This is fucking stupid,” Hyunjin muttered, seated to Jisung's right and pulled taut with barely restrained anger toward Hwayoung and her loyal followers.

“Oh my god, sometimes people are gay, Hwayoung,” Gahyun complained. “We don't need to have a meeting about it.”

It should be noted that Hwayoung was the person who had originally reported that Gahyun didn't greet her happily at eight in the morning.

“This is about making sure everyone in the house feels heard,” she said primly with a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

From what Jisung could tell, most of the sorority members were antsy to end the meeting and get back to whatever they'd been doing before. But that didn't stop the way Jisung's hands shivered with anxiety. She shoved them underneath her thighs to hide her nerves.

“They haven't done anything wrong,” Minji, another senior, pointed out gently- eyes darting around the room with concern. Probably hoping there wasn't going to be a fight.

“How can we feel safe walking around in our underwear?” one of Hwayoung's friends asked, and Jisung felt the tension in Hyunjin's body beside her even as she, herself, tried to phase into the fabric of the couch.

Being talked about like she wasn't there was dehumanizing, but speaking up for herself might only make it worse. Even Felix, outgoing and outspoken when she wanted to be, was silent and seemingly lost beside her. Jisung wished she could reach out and take her hand, but she feared the scrutiny that would follow if she did.

“As if everyone on campus hasn't seen you in a bikini,” Hyunjin shot back, rolling her eyes. “And I'm quite sure neither of them are remotely interested in you or your fake tan.”

Minji reached over to put a hand on Hyunjin's arm- a warning not to escalate the situation. But Jisung knew that Hyunjin's passion burned hot and quick- it was why they'd butted heads as freshman. She could only hope Hyunjin wouldn't get herself into trouble on her account.

“Everyone is entitled to feel safe-” Hwayoung began, only to be cut off by Gahyun.

“Including gay people!”

There were some nods from the onlookers who hadn't spoken up, and Jisung tried to cling to the hope that it was only a minority who suddenly thought she was dangerous. Even if that was true, however, it hurt.

She actually couldn't believe they were targeting Felix like this. Jisung sort of fell under the radar with the girls she wasn't actively close to, so she could kind of understand how Hwayoung and her ilk could so easily throw her to the wolves. But Felix? Everyone adored Felix, from the freshman to the seniors. Even if she logically knew it wasn't her fault, she couldn't help the guilt that rose in her to know that some of the girls would turn their back on Felix just for being in a relationship with her.

“In my faith, we actually view homosexuality as a sin-”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me right now!” Hyunjin exploded, standing up to glower at Hwayoung's friend who had spoken.

“I think this is getting into discrimination, actually,” Minji desperately piped up, trying to get Hyunjin to sit down. “So, I think it's best to just respect our differences, and not police other people based on your personal beliefs.”

Hwayoung scowled in her direction, but didn't seem to have an argument for that.

Several of the other girls agreed, and Jisung warily watched Hwayoung's jaw muscles tighten.

“Okay, we'll put a pin in it for now,” she conceded with another fake smile. “But we can revisit if there are issues.”

“If you try to edge them out of the sorority, I'm walking,” Hyunjin threatened, finally sitting down at Minji's urging.

The girls dispersed after that, most seeming relieved to be able to escape from the tension in the living room. Hwayoung shot Jisung and Felix a look before sweeping upstairs with her minions in tow. And Jisung finally let out a shaking exhale, hands trembling when she pulled them out from under her thighs.

Felix slumped into her side and peered around her with watery eyes.

“Hyunjin, you're gonna get yourself in trouble,” she scolded, voice unsteady as tears flowed down her cheeks all at once.

“I don't fucking care. I cannot fucking believe them!” she complained, rage still simmering just underneath her skin.

“I can,” Gahyun scoffed with a roll of her eyes.

“Let's not sink to their level,” Minji urged as Felix sobbed her way through hugs and thank-you's to the girls who'd stuck around to offer support.

There was a divide in the sorority after that, but with Minji threatening to report any discrimination to the school, Hwayoung didn't actually try to get them kicked out. It certainly wasn't a comfortable second semester, but knowing that many of the girls supported them was heartening. And with Hwayoung having graduated in May, Jisung was hopeful that the upcoming year would be a lot more peaceful.

But as she squinted up at Felix's grinning face with the sun shining behind her and making her edges glow, Jisung put all of that out of her mind. Because this- right now- was heaven. And she'd be damned if she let some assholes ruin even a moment of it.

“Well?” Felix prompted, dripping pool water onto Jisung’s face and chest that she wiped away with the back of her hand.

“Well?” she parroted, distracted by the glittering water droplets that ran down Felix's sun-kissed skin.

“Shower?” she reminded her with a waggle of her brows. “And then bed? We don't even need to have sex. We can cuddle and nap. Or have sex and then nap.”

“All good options,” Jisung giggled, nose twitching when another drop of water fell from the chlorine-damaged ends of Felix's blonde hair. “You're done swimming?”

“Too hot,” Felix pouted, dipping her head to nestle against Jisung's neck.

“Well, that isn't going to help,” Jisung teased, knowing she must have felt molten to Felix's damp skin.

“Shower,” she whined, nipping at the flesh of Jisung's throat and probably tasting the salty tang of her sweat.

“Okay, okay,” Jisung acquiesced, giving Felix's bikini-clad butt a squeeze before guiding Felix to sit up so she could too.

“Maybe we can play truth or dare later, and I can give you a lapdance,” Felix suggested with a wink as she latched their fingers together and led Jisung toward the house.

“Does that mean I'm the one daring you?”

“I don't know who else would,” Felix snickered, wet feet making prints all the way across the patio.

“Or you could just give me a lapdance,” Jisung pointed out on a laugh, and Felix scoffed.

“Now where's the fun in that?”

She turned before she could pull open the sliding door, arms wrapping around Jisung's neck and the wet of her swimsuit pressing against Jisung's skin so she shivered.

“I really love you,” she said earnestly, big eyes shining with feeling as the sun beat down on their shoulders and scalps.

“I really love you too,” Jisung replied, everything in her going soft in the face of Felix's sincerity- heart fluttering in her chest and trying to slither up her throat.

Felix's lips against hers canceled out every other sensation- the muggy air, the way the ground burned against the soles of her feet, Felix's cool, damp swimsuit against the heat of her skin. The only thing that registered was the soft pressure of Felix's kiss and the warmth that buzzed in her chest at the contact.

Jisung knew that there were challenges they had yet to face and those that would never cease to rear their ugly heads. But she knew that together, they could take on anything.

And nothing was worth the dishonesty she'd forced upon herself.

Because since she'd stopped trying to outrun herself, she'd been the happiest she had ever been.

Felix was grinning when she pulled back from the kiss, and Jisung, buoyed by joy so pure it felt lethal, returned her smile.