Chapter Text
Weird International Liquor Taste Test by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: July 22, 2015)
(Bols Yogurt Liqueur, Netherlands)
Jake and Amy, holding hands for stability, down a shot. Amy starts squirming and Jake winces.
Jake: UGH! (beat) Not bad.
Amy shudders and gags.
Amy: There’s something wrong with you, this is like cheese that went sour!
Jake goes to bicker, but then nods.
Jake: Yeah you’re right. Plus, it’s also what I imagine the consistency of semen to be.
Amy makes a face, then coughs.
Amy: I can confirm for you, this (points to bottle) is much worse.
Jake looks at the camera in glee at this information.
-
(Naga Chilli Vodka, England)
Terry and Rosa down a shot. Terry immediately starts screaming.
Terry: Aaaaaaahhhhh! Why is it spicy? Why is it spicy?
Terry starts rubbing at his tongue with his hands, violently. Rosa, meanwhile, is pouring herself another shot, downing it. Terry notices this.
Terry: What the heck is wrong with you? This is burning my face off!
Rosa: It’s not bad. You’re just weak.
Terry looks at her, a bit dumbstruck.
Terry: (gesturing to himself) Do you see me?
-
(Bakon Vodka, USA)
Gina and Charles sniff it and recoil.
Charles: Smells like the treats I give my dogs.
Gina shrugs.
Gina: Eh whatever. Literally any (beep)ing excuse to get drunk at work.
With that, Gina downs the shot. Charles takes a dainty sip of his. They both start gagging.
Charles: (fanning his face) My palate is crying! My palate is crying!
Gina: (talking to the bottle) Who hurt you, Bakon Vodka? Why do you exist?
+
One month before Valentine’s Day 2016, it’s like any other day in the Buzzfeed Brooklyn headquarters.
Amy Santiago, video producer, actor and writer, is diligently researching Internet trends for potential videos, taking notes on paper like someone from the 1900s.
Charles Boyle, video producer and occasional actor, is editing a video on Life Hacks while eating cacao nibs. The cacao nibs, unfortunately, did not make it into the video (because “they’re not a hack, Charles. They’re just food.”)
Rosa Diaz, video editor, actor, and staff writer, is working on an article that ranks the most hilarious gifs of people getting hurt. Even though these are, by definition, hilarious, the only sign of her enjoyment is the occasional smirk on her lips.
Gina Linetti, copy-editing assistant, general assistant, and occasional video actor, is on her phone playing Kwazy Kupcakes (even though her job is literally just to be on the Internet all day, she is still not doing it).
Terry Jeffords, who they call “The Sarge” since he reminds them of a military sergeant even though he’s the director of Media Content and a total softie, is secretly Skyping his daughters since their mom, and his wife, needed a nap.
Raymond Holt, head of Buzzfeed Brooklyn and occasional video actor or “The Captain” as a certain someone keeps trying to have catch on as a nickname, is organizing his video clips on his desktop into subsections based on genre, then focus, then length. He’s currently on focus.
And Jake Peralta, video producer, actor, and editor, is annoying his officemates. The only thing different than normal is the means in which he does so. Today, he’s using a megaphone and standing on his swivel chair.
“ATTENTION GENTLEMEN OF BUZZFEED BROOKLYN,” Jake says, making his voice sound like Darth Vader’s. “I AM LOOKING FOR MEN INTERESTED IN WEARING EDIBLE LINGERIE ON CAMERA-”
“Jesus Christ,” Rosa mutters, plugging in her headphones.
“Couldn’t you be using email for this?” Ray asks him, barely raising his voice but being heard loud and clear. “That is the more professional route.”
“Jake isn’t a professional,” Amy says, with a smile on her face.
Whirling on her, Jake says into the megaphone and says normally, “I AM OFFENDED, SANTIAGO. SHAME!” Since he’s mentally a college student, he calls everyone by their last names. He waves an imaginary bell at her direction.
She winces, since she sits right next to him. According to Ray, they have “similar editing and humor cadences” so they’re paired together in videos quite often. At first, it was to their sheer displeasure, but now they get along. But not without a fight.
Jake continues, “VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING UP-”
“In a month,” Amy says, correcting him as always.
Jake ignores her, “AND I WANT TO DO A VIDEO WHERE PEOPLE EAT EDIBLE SEXY STUFF IN HONOR OF THAT HOLIDAY-”
“Stop using the megaphone, Jacob,” Ray says.
With a slight, but playful, pout, he puts down the megaphone. “Any takers?” He says at normal volume.
Most people ignore him. Amy does not. “Why don’t you make it a Try Guys video?”
Jake is a member of the Try Guys, one of the most viewed groups that Buzzfeed companies across the world has.
The members are Jake, Charles (which is no surprise, he will literally do any video Jake asks him to), Terry (who originally did it because Jake promised to babysit his twin daughters, but actually enjoys making the videos now) and Ray, (who participated originally to fill in since their original volunteer came down with the flu and he wanted the video to remain on schedule).
He looks at her like he didn’t realize that was an option, and is now excited. He goes for his megaphone, but Amy grabs it from his grasp. Sighing, he turns to his computer and emails his cast-members instead. Amy smiles to herself and goes back to work.
+
Couples Imitate Each Other by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Mar 13, 2015)
(Drinking)
Ray: Kevin and I do not imbibe alcohol to an excessive amount, therefore our perceptions and actions do not change drastically from our day-to-day behavior.
Kevin: Binge-drinking is for college students and sad people.
Ray: And we both graduated college years ago.
Kevin: And we are also not sad.
Ray: So I do not believe this applies to us.
They nod briskly, in sync.
-
(Fighting)
Terry: When I’ve (beep)ed up, she usually goes for a hyperbolic freak out.
Sharon: (laughing) I do not-
In a playful way, like it’s familiar, Terry keeps talking over her.
Terry: Like let me tell you what she said of when she found out I did the video on wearing ladies’ underwear-
Sharon: Oh god-
Sharon starts giggling, but quiets to watch his impression,
Terry: (in a pretty good impression of his wife) “What’s next, Terrence? Are you cooking meth? Are you Breaking Bad?”
Sharon: (too busy laughing to respond)
Terry: (continuing impression) “How many phones do you have?!”
-
(Dancing)
Amy: For the safety of everyone involved, I try not to dance.
Teddy: Unless she’s two drinks in-
Amy: Actually, I think Gina proved it in a video, it’s three drinks. My personality slightly changes-
Teddy: (slightly put off by the correction) Oh. Huh.
Amy: (catching on) Well-
Teddy: (ignoring and talking over her) When she does dance, she’ll step on so many toes it’s kind of sad haha-
Amy: (grinning, somewhat tightly) True.
+
When Amy and Teddy broke up and he stopped appearing in videos, the Internet was... concerned. For two months, she had dozens of comments that either were overly sweet and interested in how they broke up and if they did in the first place, or people that were adamant they were over and that Amy should be with the commenter instead.
It was weird.
They broke up about two weeks after their last appearance as a couple in a video (“Couples Imitate Each Other,” incidentally). And she received so many comments. So, just to get it out of the way, she posted on her official Facebook page to alleviate any confusion that yes they were over, and that neither of them harbored ill will towards the other (not entirely true, but this is the Internet).
It was even weirder having to explain her personal breakup to utter strangers, but it did stop the first type of comments. So, it was a slight victory.
Even almost a year after the breakup, she still gets comments. Now she ignores them. Or tries to. The logical part of her, which is most of her, knows that reading Internet comments is the kiss of death. But there’s a twisted part of her that wants the feedback so she can improve. God, she’s insane. So, to keep her mind off the comments, she keeps herself occupied.
Like right now, she’s working on a scripted series she does with Rosa about dismantling the patriarchy (one of their favorite topics).
She’s broken from her writing streak when someone shakes her chair like it’s an earthquake. Without looking up or at her computer screen’s reflection, she knows immediately who it is.
“What do you want, Jake?”
He spins around so she’s facing him, “Hey, Santiago,” He grins. “I need your help on a shoot tomorrow.”
Amy bites back a sigh as she studies him and his traditional attire: huge glasses, flannel/plaid shirt, dark wash jeans, and a smirk (usually). “Get an intern,” She tells him, trying to go back to work. Their offices are not as big as Buzzfeed LA's or OZ’s offices, but they have their fair share of interns. Especially ones as hipster as Jake is.
“But I want you,” He whines, stopping her from spinning back around. Then pauses. “Scratch that phrasing.” She rolls her eyes. He starts over, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses. “I really need your stylistic… style and input in my video shoot tomorrow. Please?”
Amy sighs and fidgets with her sweater sleeve. She’s exhausted and, for some reason, a bit down these past couple of days. She shouldn’t add anything extra to her caseload, but she finds herself saying, “Sure. Text me the time and whatever so I can put it in my calendar.”
He grins at her, “Thanks, Ames. You’re the best.” And with that, he leaves, probably to talk to Charles.
“You owe me six pierogis!” She calls after him, somewhat half-hearted.
Jake speaks while spinning around, flailing his arms out like whatareyagonnado?, “I can barely afford one!” But he’s winking at her. And, after their lunch break that she works through, there are three warm pierogis on her desk when she comes back from the printer.
She makes sure to give him one.
+
Analyzing Your Drunk Friends: Amy (Released: Feb 19, 2015)
(Two Drinks In)
Gina is talking to the camera, with Jake, Rosa, and Charles behind her. They are wearing scientist garb in a bar. In the background, Amy is shouting about her high school experience.
Gina: We are two drinks in, and Amy is-
Amy pops into frame.
Amy: SHE OBVIOUSLY CHEATED ON THE FINAL! I DESERVED VALEDICTORIAN!
Jake gently pulls her aside, wincing at the volume.
Jake: (obviously) So Two-Drink Amy is very loud.
Amy: (being pulled off-screen) I WORKED SO HARD YOU GUYS-
Gina: Someone make her down a shot, my hearing is too precious for this.
-
(Four Drinks In)
The music is soft and not even bass-heavy but Amy is dancing (nay, just gyrating) in the background against Rosa, whose expression reveals nothing. Jake is grinning at the camera, utterly amused, and Charles is taking notes. Gina looks like everything is coming to fruition.
Gina: (to the camera) So Four-Drink Amy is a bit of a pervert, still dancing-
Rosa: (deadpan) Let’s move on.
Jake: (smirking) Let’s not!
Rosa throws her straw at him, and Amy abandons Rosa and walks over to Jake.
Amy: (whining) Jaaaaaakkkeeeeee!!! Dance with me.
She dances up close to Jake, like she was with Rosa, and his eyes go wide as Charles gasps in glee.
Jake: Um, let’s move on.
Rosa: (definitely mocking Jake) Let’s not!
-
(Five Drinks In)
The scientists, now in varying degrees of dishevelment are analyzing the current stage.
Gina: Five-Drink Amy is confidant as fuck-
Amy shouts wildly in the background and all of them turn around.
Amy: (to a ficus plant) I can totally do a handstand! Watch me!
Amy goes to prepare to do a handstand.
Jake: (running for her) Shit.
Gina laughs, and Rosa snorts. Charles takes notes. Jake picks Amy up with minor difficulty and carries her back over.
Gina: (to camera, pondering) Is there a moral to this story?
Rosa: (sipping from her water) Don’t get shit-faced if you’re a lightweight?
Amy: (squirming in Jake’s grasp) You calling me a lightweight? I will drink you under the table! Indiana Jones-style!
Jake smothers his laughter and gets a better handle on her.
Jake: (to camera) If you’re gonna get shit-faced, do it responsibly?
Charles: Let’s go with that. And also get her home.
Jake: (carrying Amy to the door, but calling back to the camera) Don’t drink and drive, kids!
+
“Oh hey, Peraltiago,” Gina says, calling them over as she files her nails at her computer.
Jake and Amy, not sure whose name she meant to say, both look up. “What?” They both ask. They share a look, then turn back to Gina.
“Holt wants you to meet him the conference room,” Gina gestures with her thumb to the glass room where they occasionally hold meetings but mostly film videos about meetings.
Gina, along with being the marketing assistant, is Holt’s personal assistant. It burned Amy up when Ray asked Gina instead of her to do it, but she’s basically over it now. Kind of. Somewhat.
Jake and Amy walk over to the conference room and find Terry, Charles, and Ray all sitting around in front of the projector.
“Hello,” Amy greets, ever polite.
“Hello, Ms. Santiago,” Ray says. “We would like to discuss with you an opportunity with you that could potentially be a bit troublesome. Please understand, we’d harbor no ill will if you two decline.”
Jake and Amy share a look (Jake’s is very confused and Amy’s is apprehensive). “What’s the opportunity?” Jake speaks up.
“Have you guys read the comments on the Edible Lingerie video?” Terry asks.
Both of them shake their heads, and Amy adds, “I try not to read the comments.”
“And I try not to read,” Jake says, grinning as Amy’s jaw clenches at his joke. (Is it a joke?)
Ray ignores them both, “There have been an influx of comments that express the notion that people wish to see you together in a romantic way.”
Jake looks over at Amy, and Amy clarifies for the both of them, “People are commenting that they want us to become a couple?”
Jake studies Ray, Terry, and Charles then says, “And you want us to date because the Internet thinks it would be a good idea?” Amy has to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing.
“No, we want you to get married,” Charles explains matter-of-factly.
Amy’s jaw drops, and Jake goes, “Uh, what now?”
Terry gives Charles a look, and turns back to them, “You won’t actually be getting married, it’s for a video.”
“I’m still confused,” Amy says.
Ray takes over, “We are interested in banking on the fact people seem to ‘ship’ the two of you and want you two to participate in a...” He searches for a word, “Social experiment, if you will, where you are married to each other for a week.”
“Are you going to electrocute us?” Jake asks, mostly to Amy, hands on his hips. “I don’t know if I’m into that-”
“No, that’s more physical science. I think they want us to pretend to be married for a video and film the effects,” Amy tries to explain.
“Well summarized, Amy,” Ray says and she tries hard not to preen. “Terry will go over the parameters on camera for you and the audience, and also serve as the general ‘marriage expert’, but mostly the the video will be you interacting. If any part of it makes you uncomfortable, we can cancel the video at any point in the duration of the project.”
Amy looks over at Charles, “And Charles will...?”
“He’ll film the videos in the office and edit the video, with you two having final cut. You also have to film your home lives once you move in-” Ray starts to explain.
“We’re moving in together?” Jake and Amy ask at the same time.
“Just for the week,” Charles explains, reassuringly. “It’ll be fine.”
“Will it though?” Jake asks, voice slightly high-pitched. Amy rolls her eyes and smacks his arm. “Oh no,” He says dramatically, like the huge ham he is. “It begins!”