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The sound of the shower starting didn’t startle Euijoo like it usually does. After a few months of their whatever-ship, he has established his own routine every time he comes over to Nicholas’s apartment.
Usually, Nicholas calls Euijoo before he’s even out the gym to ask if he’s able to come over. Then, like clockwork, Euijoo says yes and calls a cab over to his apartment. Naturally, because Nicholas walks from the gym back home as his extra cardio (not including sex), Euijoo arrives first and lets himself in. He lays on Nicholas’s bed leisurely, enjoying the familiar lingering scent of jasmine and sandalwood from Nicholas’s cologne before he arrives. He drifts to sleep until he hears the familiar sound of water droplets hitting the bathroom floor.
For some reason, today, he feels like snooping. It’s not like he hasn’t been in Nicholas’s room before (quite the opposite actually), but he suddenly has the urge to take in his surroundings beyond the large bed and orange-scented candle that Nicholas lights every time he comes over. On the nightstand beside him lies Nicholas’s phone. It’s bright pink with a bunny keychain dangling from its side. Most people might say it’s out of character for him, but Euijoo knows better. Nicholas loves almost everything. Cute things, cool things, scary things. There’s no limit to his love. Next to the phone is a lamp and a picture. His phone is right side up, screen dark, but the picture is upside down, hiding its subject. Curious, his mind hinders for a second before he flips the picture over. He feels his stomach drop.
What the hell?
The picture(s) are simple photobooth pictures, but the romantic, first date feel is clear. Nicholas and a random guy are side by side, Nicolas’s hand making a cheek heart. His smile is wide, his cheeks red and his eyes are shaped into crescents, clearly enjoying the mystery man’s presence. Then, as if the picture wasn’t enough to make Euijoo cry, Nicholas’s phone lights up with a message from Harua.
“How was your date????:3” then another.
“the pictures turned out so cute!!! Total bf vibes”
The ping of the notifications are quiet, but he feels the sound ring in his ears, echoing deep in his brain. He suddenly wants to throw up, guilt eating at his stomach. His face feels hot, vision blurring as he picks his things up in a hurry. He doesn’t care that the shower has stopped and Nicholas has opened the door. He doesn’t care that Nicholas isn’t dressed, water droplets trailing slowly down his abs. He doesn’t listen as Nicholas calls out his name, probably alarmed by the tears cascading down his face. Euijoo ignores him. He runs out of the apartment, the cold night air hitting him like a storm. He forgot his jacket inside, only a thin long sleeve shielding him. He stops when he reaches a convenience store, crouching outside to call an uber.
The cab back home is warm once he steps inside, the driver thoughtfully pulling up the protective screen that separates the front and back seats as a way to provide him some privacy. Euijoo feels like an idiot. He knew that when they first started doing this, they both agreed that it was casual, no feelings allowed. Obviously, that was long forgotten. He knew it was selfish to run away like that. Nicholas isn’t his, there should be no reason for him to be acting like he betrayed him when he’s also free to do whatever he wants. Nicholas doesn’t date–at least not Euijoo. Especially not Euijoo. Nicholas isn’t able to be held down by anything, and he doesn’t have any interests other than dancing and fashion. Euijoo probably isn’t even in his top five things, if he’s being honest with himself. Even though he’s aware of this, hot tears won’t stop coming out of his eyes and his lip just won’t stop quivering. As the car finally comes to a stop, he swallows a sob and thanks the driver before scurrying inside his building.
Once the door shuts behind him, Euijoo finally comes crashing down. He slides pitifully down his front door, a sad whimper coming out of his mouth in an attempt to catch his breath. He doesn’t have the strength to stand up and turn the lights on, stuck in the dark despite being scared of it. He can’t breathe, chest heaving heavily. His head hurts, his teeth are chattering, and his throat is dry. Far away, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.
.
It’s already been a week since his little freak-out. Euijoo would like to say that he’s almost fully over Nicholas, but he doesn’t like to lie to his friends. He tries his hardest not to think of him, burying himself at work, but it’s not working. Nicholas seeps through the cracks of his mind no matter what. In his sleep, while he works, even while he cooks. He especially feels it as he stands on the subway, his hand clutching one of the overheard handles. There’s music playing in his ears, but none of it is really being registered. He looks at a man who has a mullet and thinks about familiar red strands that share that same haircut. He smells the perfume of the woman standing next to him, her perfume reeking of an oh-so familiar jasmine scent. He looks down at his wrist, a bright red string bracelet standing out against his pale skin. He thinks of a certain man who shares one that looks exactly like his and looks away.
Nicholas has tried to contact him multiple times since then. He’s texted almost a hundred times and called about the same amount. In a perfect world, Euijoo thinks, he would’ve blocked Nicholas already as a sign of moving on. But the world is far from perfect, and Euijoo thinks he likes the thought of Nicholas begging for him back, his attention fully on him. It’s twisted and messed up, but he can’t help himself. He’s already stopped himself from being selfish by setting Nicholas free from his delusional, greedy mind, so sue him if he wants to keep this one thing. It’s not really doing anything for his mental state though. He knows that someday, the texts will stop coming and Nicholas will post a picture of himself with another man, laughing closely and even getting married and adopting kids. His chest squeezes at the thought.
Euijoo’s friends have tried their hardest to cheer him up. Fuma and Kei bought him a bag of mandarins and Jo sends him funny videos of monkeys whenever he’s at work. Despite this, Euijoo has stopped attending their hangouts. He knows that Fuma, Kei, and Jo love him and want to see him act like himself, even for a minute, but Euijoo can’t bring himself to laugh at jokes or even smile the way he usually does. He knows no matter how much they may love him, at some point, his attitude will get tiring. He doesn’t want to be selfish and bring the mood down, spoiling their days with the dark, rainy cloud that seems to hover above his head, so he chooses to stay home and rot for a bit until he has to get back up to go to work. Sometimes though, when Fuma and Kei force their way into his apartment with his spare key, he curls up and cries into Fuma’s chest.
.
Euijoo is going out today. After soaking in his own misery for a whole week, his friends staged an intervention. They were tired of seeing him rot alone in his bed, rightfully so. He stares at himself in the mirror of his room. His outfit is nice, a long coat and a scarf. It’s appropriate for the weather without being too formal. Kei chose it out for him, also taking the liberty to choose his date. His date is Park Sungho, a mutual friend of Fuma’s. Apparently he’s interested in Euijoo, begging Fuma to let him get Euijoo’s number. He wonders if in another life, it would be Nicholas begging for his number like this. He shakes the thought out of his head–if Nicholas doesn’t like him now, why would he in another life?
The date spot is nice, a quiet woman-owned coffee shop. Sungho is kind as well, taking care of him nicely. Euijoo feels like he should be happy. There’s a handsome guy in front of him, staring at him like he hung the moon. There’s a delicious warm cup of coffee in his hand. He feels happy. Sungho’s jokes are funny, pushing a chuckle out of him. They talk about the weather and work and their friends who pushed them together. Despite all of this, there’s still a hollow ache in his chest where his heart lies. He smiles through it.
They go to a cooking workshop next. They’re making dubai chocolate cookies, a recent online outrage, Sungho says. Rolling the dough is easy and he’s able to take out his sadness onto the filling. The emotions in the cookie must show through, though, as they end up rock hard. He turns to Sungho, unsure of his own creation.
“Is it supposed to make this noise when you drop it..?” He drops the ball into the pan with a loud pang.
Sungho cackles, shaking his head.
“It’s ok, Euijoo hyung. Here, have some of mine.
They end the cooking date, Euijoo making enough for Kei, Fuma, and Jo while Sungho gives him two extra to take home. He’s happy. The cookies were good. He tries not to think about the fact that Nicholas would rather be caught dead than call him Hyung. He thinks about the times he made Euijoo call him Hyung. He smiles at Sungho and they walk to their last spot–a restaurant.
It’s nighttime now, the sun going down early thanks to daylight savings. He and Sungho talked about that too. Euijoo orders a bowl of ramen. It’s delicious, his eyes going wide when he takes the first sip. Sungho chuckles and takes a sip of his own. He has the same reaction, if not more dramatic. In the back of Euijoo’s mind, he recalls a time when he declined Nicholas’s invitation to go eat ramen because he’d already eaten udon. He wishes he had taken it.
He and Sungho have a great time, if Euijoo says so himself. His own woe aside, Sungho is really nice. He’s so kind and inviting, even if Euijoo feels a bit uncomfortable under his expecting stare. They end the date once they’re both full. Euijoo tells him that he wishes to get closer in the future. Sungho’s smile turns wide as he runs off, a pep in his step. Euijoo walks the opposite way, lighter.
.
The effect didn’t last for long. Only a week later, Euijoo finds himself staring at his empty fridge, contemplating an important decision. Inside, there’s only a box of soju that Nicholas bought and two dubai chewy cookies, the ones he and Sungho made on their date. He hasn’t really been eating well, per se. His lunch recently consists of a mandarin orange and a cup of coffee. He’s never eaten breakfast or dinner, so he doesn’t see why that should change now. He doesn’t think he can handle anything else changing, actually. If Nicholas was still in his life and not just a memory in his mind, he would buy Euijoo food and force feed him. Sometimes he would even stop talking to him whenever he forgot to eat, ignoring him until Euijoo finished at least a full bowl of rice. He picks up the box of soju and puts it on the table. He has to get rid of all memories of him.
The first sip of soju always burns his throat, the drink leaving a trail all the way down to his stomach. He thinks of this even now that he’s far from the first sip. He’s on his fifth bottle when the tears come. His face is on the table, the cold surface cooling his warm face down. His tears have left a puddle around his face. Surrounded by his own misery, he picks up his phone and opens his photo gallery. He’s told his friends that all the pictures of him and Nicholas have been “deleted”, but he knows that they still sit in his recently deleted, waiting patiently to be truly erased from his device. He doesn’t think they truly believed he actually deleted them anyway.
Influenced by the bottles of soju around him, his thumb hovers on the ‘call’ button. He wants to call him, let him know why he’s sad and get some sort of closure. He knows Nicholas doesn’t like him back, if it wasn’t already glaringly obvious by the pictures, but he still wants to hear his voice. He thinks about asking Nicholas to lie, to tell him that he’s wrong and that he does really love him like Euijoo loves him. Nicholas is nice. He knows he wouldn’t say that if he didn’t mean it. He cries harder at the thought. In his daze, he doesn’t notice that he’s accidentally clicked the ‘call’ button, or that the call has already connected.
“Euijoo, can you hear me?”
Euijoo startles, his head snapping up in shock.
“Juju? Are you there?”
Euijoo sniffles and wipes his eyes as if Nicholas can see him.
“Sorry,” a choked sob escapes his lips. “I didn’t mean to call you.” Euijoo is about to hang up until Nicholas starts talking again.
“Wait! Wait! Wait! Don’t hang up,”
Euijoo coughs in an attempt to cover the sounds of his sniffling. “What..?”
“Where are you, Juju? Why did you le–” he stops himself. “Where are you, Euijoo? I’ll come to you.”
Euijoo nods his head no (even though Nicholas still can’t see him).
“I’m fine, I’m fine…” he says, “It’s raining outside. Don’t come here…my place isn’t clean. I haven’t eaten either, you’ll scold me.” He starts crying again, babbling the last part of his sentence. He wants to hang up the phone, but his hand is frozen. It’s freezing cold inside his apartment and Nicholas’s voice feels like a warm blanket compared to everything else around him. He wishes he could stop being so selfish and let this go already.
The call was still connected but Euijoo wasn’t sure if Nicholas was there anymore. He heard a loud ‘clack’ sound immediately after he spoke, so he figured that Nicholas tried to hang up and missed the button. It’s completely plausible, he thinks. If he was Nicholas, and the guy who he had no feelings for called him and drunkenly sobbed incoherently on the phone, he would want to hang up too. He plays with the hem of his shorts wishing they would somehow turn into a blanket so he wouldn’t need Nicholas anymore.
Suddenly, there were two knocks at the door.
Euijoo feels like dying. His legs are wobbly when he stands up to go answer the door. He can hear the downpour outside, thunder rumbling every so often. So, unless Aquaman was at his door right now getting ready to tell Euijoo he has to complete a super secret superhero mission, he doesn’t see why anyone would be wanting to see him right now.
Euijoo opens the door and is met with a sopping wet redhead outside. From the likes of it, he looks like his name might be Nicholas. At the realization that he’s staring right at the man who just heard him cry over the phone (he’s still crying, don’t get him wrong, but it’s a bit more embarrassing when you’re on the phone), he promptly slams the door shut on Nicholas’s face and runs to his room to hide. But of course, because Euijoo is dumb, he completely forgets to lock the door.
He can hear the door open from his room, even from under the weighted blanket he’s currently hiding under. It’s childish, he can admit this even while drunk, but that's sober Euijoo's problem, not his. He’ll probably die of embarrassment tomorrow, he thinks. He can hear Nicholas finally make it to his room. He peeks over the covers and watches Nicholas. He’s staring right back at Euijoo, looking at him with what he thinks is disbelief in his eyes.
“Juju..aegi,” he tries to stifle a laugh with his mouth but it doesn’t work. “What are you doing?”
He keeps his mouth shut. If he talks now, his voice will probably crack and Nicholas will laugh at him more than he is now. He doesn’t know why he’s laughing anyway. He’s probably laughing about how pathetic Euijoo is. When the thought crosses his mind, tears come flowing back out of his eyes like two big waterfalls next to each other. He wishes the ground would swallow him whole so he could save himself the trouble of killing himself.
Nicholas startles at Euijoo’s tears, clearly not expecting him to start sobbing so suddenly. He reaches over to his bare ankle, rubbing it in an attempt to comfort him.
“What’s wrong, baby?” He reaches closer, his hand reaching over to his knee this time. His hands are wet from the rain outside but he’s still radiating warmth. Before Nicholas can get on the bed, Euijoo stops him.
“Wait…hold on,” he takes in Nicholas’s appearance. He’s soaking wet, a puddle of water forming where he’s standing. “Take your clothes off first.”
Nicholas laughs again, this time more openly. Euijoo doesn't find anything funny.
He sniffles and roughly rubs his hands on his eyes at a sad attempt to make his tears disappear.
“Why are you laughing! You’re soaking wet, getting water all over my apartment. You’re dumb. I hate you. I hate you so much.” He says the last part between sobs, unable to talk without crying apparently. He feels pathetic.
Nicholas reaches over and takes Euijoo’s hands from rubbing his eyes, using his own thumb to gently caress his face. If Euijoo didn’t know any better, he might think that Nicholas might have a crush on him or something.
He watches as Nicholas slowly takes his shirt and pants off, leaving him only in his underwear. Even now, drunk and sad and a little disoriented, Euijoo’s still affected by naked Nicholas. He hates it. He hates feeling out of control, especially when it comes to a specific redhead.
Nicholas slithers into his bed, scooching over until he’s next to Euijoo. He pulls Euijoo towards him, gently placing his head on his chest. Lastly, because having Euijoo’s head on his bare chest isn’t enough, he pulls EJ’s arm around his own waist. Before he can register it, Nicholas’s hand is back on Euijoo’s face, drying his tears.
“Why are you crying, huh?” He smiles as he says it, as if the answer isn’t right in his face. Euijoo doesn’t feel like answering. He instead plays with the chain around Nicholas’s neck with his index finger. He flicks it back and forth, trying really hard to ignore Nicholas’s questioning gaze.
“Byun Euijoo,” the use of his full name startles Euijoo enough to look up at him. “Please tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”
He thinks about his options. He could
Tell Nicholas what is wrong with him and get done with this once and for all OR
try to run away
There isn’t really anywhere to run, and if he’s being honest he’s quite comfortable, so he’ll go with option c, which is to ignore him completely and take advantage of the fact that Nicholas is coddling him right now. He stares at Nicholas as he shakes his head no and goes back to playing with his necklace.
Suddenly, Nicholas grabs his face in both his palms and forces Euijoo to look at him.
“Euijoo. Tell me what’s wrong, please.”
Euijoo is a weak, weak, man, especially under the influence. Especially when it comes to Nicholas. Thankfully, Euijoo also can’t really form sentences when he’s drunk.
“The picture..the guy..the text,” he says, as if that’s helping Nicholas at all. “‘m selfish..” he mumbles.
Thankfully, Nicholas seems to be well versed in his bullshit because he quickly deciphers what Euijoo means.
“You’re upset because of the picture of me and Liyu?” He asks carefully.
Euijoo doesn’t answer. He chooses to ignore the question, opting to pout a little instead.
“You’re jealous aren’t you,” Nicholas says, his hand raking through Euijoo’s hair comfortingly. “It’s ok, baby, I’m yours.”
The tears start up again, quietly this time. Euijoo bites his lip to conceal the sounds that may come from his throat. Nicholas only notices when he feels an unfamiliar wetness on his chest. He knows Nicholas doesn’t really mean it.
“No..” he whimpers softly when Nicholas lifts his head up again.
“No?”
He suddenly feels a flash of anger. After going on a date with a guy and acting all romantic with him he’s gonna pretend to love Euijoo again? Euijoo kicks Nicholas’s legs away from him, pushing him his torso away and off the bed with his hands.
“Leave,” he says. “Please leave, Nichol.”
Despite being taller than Nicholas, their strength levels do not match. It becomes glaringly obvious to Euijoo when Nicholas grabs his legs and picks him up in a princess carry, only to lay them back down but this time in a way that forces Euijoo to sit on Nicholas’s lap.
“Euijoo, please baby, tell me what’s really wrong.”
Euijoo can’t possibly hold on any longer. He’s really pissed at the thought of Nicholas not knowing that going on a date with a random guy then asking the guy who’s in love with him what’s wrong.
“You don’t know what’s wrong with me? You really don’t know, Nicholas?” Before he can speak again, Euijoo continues. “You act like you love me, buying me food, making sure I eat, keeping a candle with my scent in your room, giving me a key to your apartment, continuing to constantly beg for my attention only to turn around and go on a date with some random guy? How am I supposed to believe we’re casual when you act like this? You hug me, comfort me, and tell me you’re mine when you know you’re not!” He collapses onto Nicholas’s chest sobbing.
“You make me feel so selfish for wanting you like this. I hate you, I really do hate you, Wang Yixiang.”
Nicholas’s hand rubs circles against Euijoo’s back until he calms down. He’s still mad, but most of the anger has turned into guilt. He can’t blame Nicholas for his own stupidity. Catching feelings was his fault anyway. Nicholas breaks the silence first.
“I’m sorry, Euijoo. I thought I was being obvious with my feelings.” Euijoo feels like crying again but there’s no tears left in his body. He feels the rejection coming. The ‘I thought It was obvious that I don’t want you’ talk.
“I didn’t go on a date with Liyu, not like how you’re thinking,” Euijoo closes his eyes, bracing himself. “I hung out with Liyu to ask him for help.” He coughs.
“I needed help confessing to someone, and Liyu is another Taiwanese man who already successfully confessed to his Korean boyfriend, so I figured I would take some notes,” he continues, “As for the pictures, I was smiling hard because he was talking about you. He told me to imagine myself taking pictures with you.” He grabbed Euijoo’s hand, playing with his fingers.
“What about the text?” Euijoo mumbles.
“What text?”
“Harua texted you when you were in the shower. It said ‘how was your date’. He also said you were giving ‘total boyfriend vibes’..whatever that means.”
Nicholas pulled his phone out, scrolling back until he reached the message. To Euijoo’s dismay, the next message Harua sent after what he read reads ‘Imagine how the pictures with Euijoo will come out!! You guys are so cute tgt>_<!'
Nicholas puts his phone down and reaches to squeeze Euijoo’s cheeks. He’s sobered up by now, so the embarrassment has really caught up to him.
“So, Euijoo, my lovely, funny, beautiful, sexy juju, will you be my boyfriend?”
Euijoo flushes, looking away.
“I don’t know..” he mumbles. He suddenly feels very aware of the fact that he's been sitting on Nicholas's lap the whole time.
Nicholas squeezes his cheek.
“Juju..don’t leave me hanging.” He grumbles.
Euijoo bends down to place a kiss on Nicholas’s cheek.
“I want to be your boyfriend, Wang Yixiang.”
Nicholas blushes but quickly recovers, reaching over to grab Euijoo’s waist. Before he can do anything, Nicholas begins tickling him.
Euijoo’s laugh comes out for the first time in what feels like ages as Nicholas finally lets him go. They fall asleep cuddled together, not letting go.
.
When Euijoo wakes up the next morning, Nicholas is not next to him. For a second, Euijoo feels like his nightmare has begun all over again. What if really hallucinated his entire night? As he reaches the kitchen, he’s met with the best view he could ever ask for.
Nicholas is in the kitchen, back turned to him. He’s
cooking something, the wonderful smell radiating around his apartment.
Euijoo drapes himself over Nicholas’s body, hugging his waist. He feels his chest lighten, all the stress from the previous weeks leaving his body.
“I made you breakfast, Byun Euijoo. If you don’t eat it I’ll be the one not picking up your calls for three weeks, see how you like it.
Euijoo smiles into Nicholas’s neck, leaving a small kiss on it. He wouldn’t have it any other way.