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The curtain ripped open violently,
“North fifteen’s open-“ Robby’s voice got cut off, as soon as he entered the bay.
He and Jack stood there, frozen in confusion. Dennis Whitaker, their newest med student, was lying on the floor, pressed against the cupboards, curled in on himself, sobs ravaging throughout his body. A small amount of blood trickling down the boy’s head.
Dennis’ breath was hitching, his hands harshly and repeatedly thumping into his thighs, his eyes were screwed shut and his breathing was erratic as he mumbled in prayer to himself.
”I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I submit… I’m sorry, I surrender, i repent… Make me pure, Make me holy, Make me worthy of your gaze…”
“Dennis…?” Jack asked, panic rifling through him like a fire. His eyes met Robby, whose face was mirroring his concern, his mouth slightly ajar. Both Jack and Robby’s face read pure horror, as they crouched down to the level of the medical student.
”Fuck…” Robby mumbled, “Dennis, can you hear me?” He called out gently, trying to pull the boy’s hands away from hitting himself.
Dennis pulled back, ripping his hands out of Robby’s grasp. Now taking them up to his head, crashing his fists into his already bleeding face, over and over again.
“I’m sorry… I’m so so sorry god, take me away, kill me.” Dennis whispered, his chest heaving with his sobs, as he gasped for air.
“He’s hurting himself, Jack.” Robbys voice trembled.
Jack moved in closer, face tightening as he retrained Dennis, pulling both arms down strongly, forcing him to stop hurting himself. Dennis curled straight into Jack’s arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Robby steadied his shoulders so he couldn’t crash into the wall again.
“What happened to you Den?” Jack muttered, almost to himself. “Who did this to you…?” But he was drowned out by Dennis, who had resumed his prayers, trying desperately to break out of Jack’s restraint, “I’m evil. I shouldn’t have liked it. I shouldn’t have liked it. I shouldn't have wanted him to say that again... That’s temptation. I’m evil. I’m so evil.”
Robby’s heart cracked wide open. This poor kid.
”Dennis, you're having a panic attack. You’re safe, Denn.” Jack whispered, moving his hand to stroke his hair, his fingers snagging in the blonde curls,
”We’ve got you, Denn.” Jack murmured, his voice grounding and steady.
They sat there, holding Dennis as he sobbed, his feeble voice mumbling “I’m sorry,” over and over again. Dennis kept fighting them, terrified, disorientated and sobbing. “Please.. please don't… I’ll be good… I’m sorry.”
Robbys heart cracked just a little more, his face contorting in despair at the poor kid in front of him. He was in so much pain. He would do anything to strip that pain from him, and take it on himself.
“Kid… No one is punishing you. We’re helping you breathe, and we want to help you. Youre safe, Dennis. Stay with us.”
Slowly, and painfully, Dennis’ body began to loosen. His breathing still ragged, but his thrashing slowed down to trembling. He was slowly lifting himself up from the embrace of the two men.
It was clear to the two, that Dennis had become more aware of the situation. His eyes found Robby, and then Jack. He immediatley backed up into the wall, taking a deep breathe which turned into a small sob.
”Oh god- I’m at work… i collapsed, i left… i mess everything up” His breathing worsening, spiralling ‘I’m going to get fired, you're gonna fire me. I ruin everything- i messed up - i always mess up. I’m a bad person”
Robby shook his head fast, “No. No. Dennis listen to me, You didn’t do anything wrong. You are okay, you are safe. You are not a bad person” he said firmly.
But Dennis recoiled, like the words burnt him, “Don’t say.. don't say that, you don't know. You don't know what i am… they said God is going to break me down if i ever think I’m worth anything…”
That sent Jack’s hands curling into fists, ready to protect this poor boy from anyone who might hurt him. His face tightening again, as anger raged across his wrinkled face.
“I was doing better… I was staying small. And then… then he..”
Dennis gestured vaguely over to Robby, “He said I did well and I felt…” Dennis choked on the words. “I felt good.”
The silence was heavy, and dennis’ devastating words hung in the air awkwardly. Jack and Robby looked at each other, Jack’s eyes filling up slowly with tears.
Robby swallowed hard, his voice was quiet and barley steady.
“Dennis… feeling good about your job - about yourself, isn’t a sin”
Dennis shook his head harder, “It is- they said it was. They said God watches your thoughts, your feelings. If you feel pride, he’ll take it all away from you. They said the only way to stop it is pain…”
Jack inhaled sharply, fists still curled. “Who is they, Denn?” He asked calmly, trying to hide the rage still flowing throughout his body.
“M- my family. My church. They said.. they, they… we.. we weren’t allowed…” his voice trailed off as he faltered over his next few words.
Robby felt something tug in his chest. Something was screaming inside him that this poor kid had been hurt, so many times. Constantly belittled, beaten and hurt to the point where he no longer felt safe in his own body.
“Dennis, did they hurt you?” Robby asked tentatively, careful with his words.
Dennis froze, his heart rate rising, he could feel it in his throat. His looked up into the caring eyes of his attending, his lip trembling. Slowly, he nodded.
That made Robby’s heart shatter. To think that this poor boy had been hurt by those who were meant to protect him. Hurt by those who were meant to teach him about God’s love and his forgiveness. Instead they had instilled self-hatred in him. Instilled fear and pain.
Dennis looked at his attending’s broken face, and quickly started up again, rambling defensively. Terrified he had said too much;
“But you know.. nothing bad, Dr Robby… it was all okay. They just hit me sometimes… just usual stuff. No meals and that kind of thing. It was good. It taught me about God.”
Robby reached his hand out to grasp the student’s shoulder, lowering his eyes to meet Dennis’. He took a deep breath.
”Dennis. That wasn’t God. That was abuse.”
Dennis froze. The words didn't make any sense. They couldn’t. His head shook as his vision flickered, awareness beginning to painfully creep back in.
”No. No!” He shouted, anger rising up, “Stop defending! I’m in the wrong here. I abandoned a patient. I left the floor. I caused a scene. And now I’m going to be punished for it. Fired. And I deserve it…”
Jack reached out, placing a steady, anchoring hand on his shoulder.
“Dennis, Look at me.”
Dennis tried, and failed, and he tried again.
Jack’s voice softened, “Denn, You are not getting fired. You are not in trouble. You are not being fired. Do you understand me?”
”No. You're wrong! I shouldn't have- i should have controlled it- i should have been stronger- God tests the weak. He tests he proud, he-“
Robby interrupted him, his voice thick with pity for the boy in front of him,
“Dennis. You're not being punished. No one is judging you, We are helping you because we want to, and because were worried about you. You are not a burden.”
Dennis stared at him, the words not quite making sense to him yet.
“No one’s ever said that to me before..” he mumbled, quietly, at the floor.
They sat with him for a while, just allowing Dennis to calm down, Robby rubbing circles on his back gently, whilst Jack still stroked through his golden curls. Jack and Robby exchanged a look. A look heavy with emotion and care. This kid needed so much help, and they were going to help him.