Chapter Text
Jax had just taken the best nap ever because it fulfilled one of their fantasies- to go to sleep and never wake up again. Well, nothing is perfect, seeing as they had woken up. But it was close! And now that they were awake, it was like they finally got free of something that had been smothering them for years… though they weren’t sure what. Maybe Pomni would know? Oh god oh fuck maybe Pomni would know.
The jester girl poked her head into the room sized blanket fort. Her eyes went wide seeing Jax stirred from their sleep.
“Hey, you! You're finally awake!” She said with a beaming smile.
Jax, on instinct, picked up where she left off. “You were trying to cross the border right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush same as us and that thief over there.”
It took a second to register with her before she rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Oh haha, missed you too, nerd. You doin’ okay?”
Jax tried to keep up the bit to brush over the small ball of anxiety building in their stomach. The usual ease with which they barreled through conversations wasn't coming to them, though. “Whaaat, don’t like me quoting the classics? Surely I haven’t been out so long that that reference is terribly dated… right?”
Jax tried to flash one of their usual smiles, but they knew Pomni would see right through it. She seemed willing to humor them, at least. After taking a deep breath, she sat in front of Jax and made direct eye contact. “We’re not exactly sure, but it’s been at least a couple of months since you almost abstracted. A lot has changed… what’s the last thing you remember?”
They were stunned. A couple of months? They almost abstracted?! What the fuck! What the hell had happened?! That last thing they remembered was… [*****]. Caine got deleted, the circus was gray, then [*****].
“I… don’t know”, they said eventually.
Pomni let the pity show on her face. Seeing that look felt painful, like they were a broken toy moments before being thrown away. Jax must have been letting the panic show on their face because Pomni was quick to hold their hand.
“Hey, it’s okay. I'm not going to leave you. Promise.”
Those words felt familiar somehow. They were a glow of warmth deep in their chest. She wasn’t lying. Their anxiety was soothed back to sleep. In this quiet space, maybe it was okay for them to just exist.
Pomni continued, “It’s okay if it takes a bit to get your thoughts in order.”
“It’s not that I don’t fully remember. More like that it’s just blank.”
“Oh god, do you think you have amnesia?”
Wait, this was the perfect opportunity! Jax could take on the role of the amnesiac while they still felt weird. They just need to play dumb and everyone would be none the wiser. “Uhh… yeah, I think so. Could you tell me everything that’s happened? And like, tell me your name. Mine, too.”
“Ah. Okay. Um… Well my name is Pomni and your name is Jax. We live in a digital circus with people named Gangle, Zooble, Kinger, and Ragatha, and an AI named Caine. Oh! Uh, Caine went evil, got deleted alongside part of the circus, came back after we fixed everything, apologized, and showed us what our real life selves were getting up to. We’re basically… brain scans put into digital avatars. So we’re kind of them but also kind of our own people. You seemed like you were doing okay out there, by the way. Anyways, we’ve been customizing the circus while waiting for you to wake up. Still with me?”
Jax did their damnedest to hold back a torrent of expletives. Caine was back? He has the audacity to show his face here after the shit he pulled?! That lying bastard! They didn’t trust them for a second!
But they trusted Pomni. The one thing they knew for sure once they woke up was that they trusted her. They can just play along for now. Not like they can call him out without blowing the amnesia act.
Jax took a deep breath. “Yeah, so far so good. What can you tell me about myself? About that abstraction… thing.”
Pomni squeezed their hand. Her gaze was firm and caring. Jax braced themselves for the worst. “Well. You were a jerk. A nihilistic sarcastic asshole allergic to sincerity. Constantly bullied all the girls and Zooble. You… were the worst person in the circus. Excluding Caine for obvious reasons.”
Jax visibly deflated. The reality of the situation was sobering. Maybe they should’ve stayed asleep after all.
“BUT. You were also terrified of opening up. You would’ve preferred to go away forever than deal with how you really felt. It was honestly a miracle that I went to check on you when I did. There was this… vision of the inside of your head. All of the worst versions of you were keeping your redeeming traits hostage. Once I dealt with them, I saw glimpses of your past in the circus, your old friends, how you see yourself. And then, I saw the real you.”
A single frame of a memory surfaces in Jax’s mind. A purple void bathed in stars, a dimming lamppost, and the two of them embracing.
Jax, in a whisper as fragile as that memory, begins to mutter, “...it’s okay, I’m not going to leave you. Promise.”
Pomni nods, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “Promise.”
Jax squeezes Pomni’s hand, hoping to hold onto that promise for dear life. They felt like they didn’t deserve it for a second. They couldn’t say how unworthy they were of it. They couldn’t say too much and break the spell. Pomni seemed like she was willing to forget who they were, too.
“Oh, and I really liked the bow you were wearing. It was lovely.”
Ah.
Jax’s face suddenly felt very warm. Eye contact was impossible. Jax became very aware of the fact that they were still holding hands. The banal interior of the tent was super interesting all of a sudden. There were about 20 different things competing to be said and none of them were coming out.
Pomni bailed out Jax again.
“You don’t need to be embarrassed! Look, you probably don’t remember it. The important part is that you can choose who you want to be. Hell, even if you remember that you hate us later, you can just joke about the time you lost your memories and got really into… I don’t know… photography? Astronomy? Whatever. Just… you can take a break from being ‘the funny one’. I’m sure the others will be interested to see the new you.”
Holy shit, dying is awesome! Wait, no, that’s the old Jax talking. Dying is cringe.
A new wave of embarrassment washes over Jax. Keeping up kayfabe might be really hard actually. The small voice in the back of Jax’s head takes solace in the idea that, if this ever gets to be too much, the big reveal of the amnesia being faked the whole time will have been the greatest prank ever.
Jax finally nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”
“Great! You can come out whenever you’re ready.”
“‘Kay, just gimme a sec.”
Pomni left the tent. Jax took a moment to take everything in. The plan was simple. Pretend to be an amnesiac, pretend to bury the hatchet, and pretend to be a girl.
She was going to get them sooo good.