Chapter Text
"Spock are you okay?" You asked your boyfriend when you realized he wasn't really paying atention to your conversation and you tapped his forehead lightly to bring him back from wherever his mind had wandered off to "You've been serious and kind of distracted, is something bothering you?"
"You have to ask to be transferred" Spock said suddenly, at first you wanted to believe that he was trying to make a joke to lighten the moment (and failing) but he looked serious and tense.
"What?" You asked, your mind working extra hard to try to make sense of his words, Spock tended to be quite literal when he talked but, he couldn't possibly mean what he said... right?
"You can't stay at the Enterprise anymore," he said looking you straight in the eye with a monotonous tone like if he were just sharing data for a report, "it compromises our work performance, it puts us and everyone around us at risk."
Ah. So that was what this was about. You had thought for a second that he was breaking up with you, you sighed somewhat relieved. "Spock don't be overdramatic." You said stretching out your hand to grab his, but the second you touched him he pulled away, making you frown.
"I am not." He said apparently with the same tone, but you could tell he was offended.
"That's what you're being right now mister." You answered, getting mad yourself. Maybe you should have used different words, Vulcans didn't appreciated being called nothing close to dramatic, but he wasn't being very considerate either.
"I keep my emotions under control, I follow the regulations and protocols but humans..."
Oh, he shouldn't have said that.
"So I'm the problem? Is that what you're saying?" You asked "I'm not the one making a big deal out of this Spock. Yes, it was scary, but it's over and we're both fine love." You said trying to regain control of the situation and you grabbed his face with care but still firmly, feeling a little bit better when he didn't pulled away this time, "hey... c'mon look at me, we're fine, everything's okay, we're gonna be fine. Talk to me Spock, please." You said looking at him with pleading eyes.
"You could have died y/n." He said grabbing you by your forearns and shaking you lightly so you had to let his face go. You were stunt silenced for a second, Spock worked really hard to keep his emotions under control, but now he looked... almost desperate, scared. And the sight made your heart ache.
"Yes." You said and sighed tiredly. "I could have... and you too, and anyone else on the ship, some did but it's, it's a risk of this job Spock, we travel across the universe exploring the unknown, we face risks everyday and we overcome them together." You said.
He lowered his gaze and sighed too, he was still holding you and you could feel his hands slightly trembling. "I know, I know, in my head I know that." He said and looked up. "But for the first time in my career, in my life! I was so... out of control y/n."
You could understand that, it had been the first time since you were together that you had experienced such a big life threatening situation. It had been nerve wracking.
"Well... you're not used to be on a relationship and have this kind of feelings, it can be overwelming." You said hoping to calm him down. "It was hard for me too." And it was true, after the danger had passed and she made sure Spock was okay, all the adrenaline started to leave her body, she had locked herself in her room and she had been a trembling, crying mess.
"The ship and the crew were in critical danger, the captain needed me, he counted on me to keep a cool head and you were all I could think about y/n!" He said holding his forehead against yours in a tender gesture and then he hugged you tightly, surprising you. "I couldn't get you out of my mind, where were you, what were you doing, if you were safe, if you needed me... if we had had our last conversation and I didn't knew it, if I would ever see you again. I could barely function!"
"Oh Spock..."
"I am commander chief of science and first officer," he said taking a step back, straightening up, he was all serious again, "my rank is higher so it's logical for you to be the one to transfer out of the Enterprise."
Your heart sank.
"Spock I understand how you feel and I'm sorry that it was so hard, it was difficult for me too, but I still don't think this is the best solution..."
"You either transfer..." he said rising a hand, interrupting you, "or we can't be in a romantic relationship anymore."
No.
You felt like freezing water had been poured over you, the cold feeling traveling down your body making you stumble, your heart panged painfully.
"Would you really leave me over this?" You asked him, hating how your voice trembled "Spock I love you, please don't do this."
"You are my heart y/n" he said holding your hand and kissing you knuckles "... metaphorically of course, although sometimes it feels like it's literal."
You couldn't stop a little sad smile from coming out, how could he said such sweet things when he was breaking your heart?
"I don't want to leave you" he said "but I can't go on like this, I can't and I won't... so I hope that you get transferred, or we will have to go back to being just colleagues."
...
"Spock can we talk?" You asked shyly waiting by the door of the lab where he was working. You hopped he was calmer now and that you could convince him to forget about the ultimatum he had given you.
"Of course." He said gesturing for you to come in. "Have you made a decision Lieutenant?"
Ah, straight to it then, allright.
Shit.
"It's not that simple Spock." You sighed and took a deep breath in, trying to gather courage. "I love my job, I love being on the Enterprise, I love being part of this crew. I never thought I would have to choose between my career and the man I love... at least not with you." You complained, pouting.
"So you're staying here?" He asked plainly.
You frowned at seeing him so apparently nonchalant while you were so stressed you almost had smoke coming out of your head.
"I don't know!" You said frustrated. "I thought you understood how important this job is to me." You crossed your arms and started rocking from side to side; it was a sort of nervous tic you did unconsciously to try to calm yourself down.
"And I do, of course I understand that." He assured you. "But you can do the same job on another ship, I'm not asking you to quit Starfleet."
He was acting as if he wasn't asking you to do this huge, life altering change, like if he had asked you to wear a different perfume or something mundane like that and it was getting on your nerves.
"Would you really prefer to have me far away? The idea doesn't cause you any pain at all?" You asked with teary eyes. "Because it pains me Spock, I don't want to be away from you, I don't want to leave this ship, I don't want to leave you!"
"I would prefer to be able to focus on my job because I know that you're safe, I want to know that we're both able to do what we're supposed to do without distractions, distractions that could cost our lifes or endanger someone else's. I haven't changed my mind y/n, so let me know when you decide what you want to do." He said sternly
He looked so imposing, his gaze cold, this wasn't your boyfriend talking, it was the First Officer Commander Spock, and he had made up his mind.
Damn it.
You walked out of the lab feeling defeated, you had a lot to think about.
...
Kirk, Bones and Spock were all sitting together at a table in the dining hall, it was early so the place was pretty much empty, you would have rather to find Kirk by himself but considering the social butterfly that he was and that he was, well, the captain, this was as good as you could get, you had to talk to doctor McCoy too anyway, he was your superior at the MedBay.
And Spock... he was the reason why you were doing this after all so, fuck it. It was now or never.
"Good day Captain, Commander, Chief Doctor." You said formally addressing all of them by rank.
Doctor McCoy scoffed and smiled in disbelief "C'mon kid, its's just us, you don't have to be so formal" he said waving a hand like he was trying to disperse the seriousness.
"Lieutenant L/n!" Captain Kirk greeted you warmly with his usual bright smile. "Why don't you join us for breakfast?" He asked gesturing to a vacant chair infront of him.
"Actually, could I talk to you sir?" You asked sounding sad "I'll be quick."
"Is something wrong at Med Bay?" The captain asked sharing a worried look with McCoy, they were both frowning.
"Of course not sir," you said raising your hands in a placating gesture, "it's... kind of a personal matter." You made a gigantic effort not to look at Spock, but of couse they noticed that.
"A personal matter," the captain repeated, "that you have to discuss... with me?" He turned to look at McCoy first and then both of them looked at Spock questioningly, but he looked as calm as ever.
"Well now we're all worried girl," McCoy said somewhat desperate, "what is it?"
Okay then...
You channeled your inner Spock to at least look as profesional and serious as you could, cleared your throat and handed the captain your tablet with the open document you had just sent him "This is my formal request to be transferred to another ship." You said slightly bowing to them.
"What?" The captain asked in disbelief, he might not be as strict following the Starfleet protocols as other captains were, but he was very proud of the way he handled his ship, and someone asking to be transferred wasn't good.
"Why?" The doctor asked you getting up from his seat, "Spock did you knew about this?" He asked him reproachfully. "Did you do something? Jim, I vote we get rid of the goblin and we keep y/n."
Captain Kirk raised a hand in his direction, quietly asking the doctor to keep calm and let him handle this. He got up too and handed your tablet back to you "If you truly want to leave," he said looking unusually serious and sad, "that's okay, but I expect and honest explanation and not just this personal matter roundabout... we're friends y/n, are you okay?"
No, you were not okay, but you had made a decision. You felt your eyes pricking with tears and you looked past the captain to were Spock was still sitting, your desperate look asking him to intervene.
"If I may..." Spock said finally speaking as he got up and addressed his friends. "Yes doctor, I did knew about this and as for me 'doing something'... I told Lieutenant L/n that either she was transferred or we would have to put an end to our relationship."
"What?!" Kirk asked indignantly, looking at Spock like he wanted to strangle him.
"Are you insane Spock?" McCoy asked rubbing his face in frustration. "Y/n you cannot do this." He said looking at you.
"Yeah, I'm sure that there's something we can do about... whatever the hell this is." Kirk said waving his hands around. "What happened?"
"With all due respect Captain, Doc," you said feeling exhausted, you just wanted this to be over. "I made my choice and I'm... I'm truly tired of talking about this... if you excuse me, I'll say a proper goodbye later." You turned around to leave when Spock called you, so you stopped but didn't looked back.
"Lieutenant, I'm glad... that you chose to leave." He said.
"What the fuck?!" McCoy said.
"We'll talk later?" Spock asked
"...yeah." you said and walked away hurriedly.
...
"What the hell Spock?" Jim asked... he seemed upset. Interesting. His friends were reacting way more than he expected them to considering this was a matter that had nothing to do with them.
"Spit it out goblin, what did you do to her?" Doctor McCoy asked him with a deep frown... so he was also upset.
Hm...
"After our last accident on that new planet, I realized that my bond with Lieutenant y/n could, under certain circumstances, impact my work efficiency... in a negative way, and distract me. So, I told her that it was for our sake as well of the safety of everyone around us, that we don't work together anymore, and that if she didn't agree then we couldn't be romanticaly involved anymore." Spock explained calmly.
"You're such an idiot." Doctor McCoy said groaning. "I can't believe she actually listened to you."
"Why wouldn't she? I made a valid, logical argument" Spock said and then tilted his head as he was thinking "Although she didn't wanted to at first, she was very upset." He remembered feeling just a little guilty about it, he had made her upset, he knew that... he made her cry.
But it was for the best.
"Damn right she was upset, she has all the right to be." Kirk said and sighed the way he did when he was facing a troublesome matter.
"And why does she has to tranfer to another ship and not you?" The doctor asked.
"I have a higher rank, that wouldn't be logical." Spock said.
"You can shove your logic up your..."
"That's enough Bones." Kirk interrupted him. "Although I don't disagree... Damn it Spock, are you sure about this? Is this really what you want? I thought you really liked the girl."
"And I do." Spock said honestly. "I might... like her too much, and in order for me to do my job properly I need to have some peace of mind and know that she is safe, somewhere else."
"Spock..." Kirk said putting a hand over his friend's shoulder in a gesture that he didn't quite knew how to interpret, but it felt conforting. "I think you're going to regret this."
"I will not, this is the logical thing to do." Spock said.
"Yeah, keep telling that to yourself if you want but it doesn't make it true, there's nothing logical about this Spock." The doctor said.
"Matters of the heart don't tend to be logical you know," the captain said, "maybe..."
"It is decided." Spock said putting an end to the conversation.
He was in control of his emotions and feelings, he might be annoyed but he refused to show it.
Although for his two friends watching him it was obvious, they knew him, and he was probably still processing everything that happened and everything that he felt during the accident.
And if y/n hadn't been able to reason with him... then maybe he just needed time, there was nothing they could do.
Spock took a deep breath "If you excuse me." He said as his goodbye and he walked out of there.
He was right, this was logical, it was for the best.
He was sure.
...