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Foolish has known of his stupid crush on Juan for a few weeks, but that didn’t mean he didn’t keep these feelings hidden deep in his heart, clearly seeing that the man would not ever reciprocate. The Totem could deal with an unrequited crush. He was used to it.
Today, however, the universe decided to torture him.
Foolish and Juan had just come back from Juan’s first date with Graf and they were debriefing the moment in Juan’s office. Despite the date having been torture for Foolish, seeing the man he liked being flirted with, he was glad that Juan openly did not like Graf in that way. It appeased his heart knowing he would not yet have to see Juan dating another man right in front of him.
After a moment of thoughtful silence, Juan’s face suddenly lights up and he stomps his hands on the wooden desk.
“¡Foolish, tengo una idea!” He exclaims, getting up and going around his desk to stand in front of the armchair Foolish is sat on. “You can’t say no if you do you hate me.”
“Ok, that’s not how this works but sure I’ll hear it out,” Foolish responds cautiously, having no idea in what direction this conversation is going.
“You have to pretend to date me so Graf don’t want me! It’s genius!”
Foolish’s world stops. He can only hear the blood rushing in his ear, any other sound having been drowned out. He was staring at Juan’s face, mouth agape, unable to come up with a decent response to the bomb Juan just dropped on him.
“What? Juan, no! That’s- no!” Foolish stutters.
“Yes! Please, just help me for once, asshole!” Juan tries.
“Don’t call me an asshole when you’re trying to convince me, are you stupid?!”
“No, you’re the stupid,” Juan calls, crossing his arms over his chest and staring down at Foolish.
The Totem sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“What will this involve me doing, exactly?” He mutters tiresomely.
Juan ponders for a few moments.
“Well, you will have to do a lot of romantic things for Graf to really believe it.”
Romantic things. To Juan. He’ll have to do romantic things to Juan. Oh of course, why didn’t he think of that! Nothing about this was wrong for Foolish, nothing at all.
***
And that’s how Foolish finds himself the day after, carrying a pack of cookies to Juan who was currently spamming him of texts on his communicator, screaming at him to hurry because Graf was in his art store and it was the perfect moment to enact the plan.
He pushes open the door and quickly walks up the stairs, already hearing Juan’s nervous tone of voice talking to a stoic Graf.
“Hey, Juan,” the Totem says, conjuring up a very casual tone, “I brought you galletas…”
Foolish ignores Graf as he walks over to Juan, putting a steady hand in his shoulder as he leans over him to place the box on Juan’s table. As he turns to Graf, his hand crawls up to rest on Juan’s nape, playing with the strands of hair there.
Juan wanted it to be good, and it was no secret that Foolish could act really well. Although this was less acting and more letting out his deepest desires and allowing himself to act how he has wanted to desperately for weeks.
“Oh hey, Graf!” He calls finally, plastering a content smile on his face, “I was just coming to check up on Juan, didn’t want to interrupt.”
“Hi, Foolish. Not it’s fine. You haven’t interrupted,” The man responds coldly, looking back and forth at Foolish’s face and Foolish’s hand on Juan, “I can leave though.”
Mean satisfaction spreads through Foolish’s chest at the sight of Graf’s uncomfortable stance.
“What?! No, Graf, you can stay! I was just going anyway! You know how it is, always busy with building!” Foolish goes on cheerfully.
The Totem turns back to Juan who had been watching their exchange. Was Juan satisfied with the performance? Maybe Foolish didn’t do enough. His head is turned to Graf, displaying his profile to the Totem.
Without thinking about it too much else he would stop himself, Foolish leans forward swiftly to press a kiss to Juan’s cheek. He feels the man hitch a breath.
His hand drifts away from Juan’s hair and he, as casually as he can, waves to Graf before climbing down the stairs. He only looks back once, and it’s to see a rosy blush spread on Juan’s cheeks, the man looking blankly at the Totem.
Foolish flies out the door, his body burning and a unconscious smile on his lips. Maybe this situation wasn’t as bad as he had thought at first.
All he could hope for now was that he hadn’t crossed a line.
***
“Foolish!”
He hears Juan’s voice call him through the thin walls of the mansion. The Totem had been anxiously replaying the morning events in his head alone in his bed. He wanted to say he was glad for the distraction from his thoughts but he’d be lying. The notion of seeing Juan again terrified him.
Still, he got up and climbed the steps to the upper floor, knocking on Juan’s office door until Juan tells him, in a distinctly lower voice then when he screamed Foolish’s name, that he’s in his bedroom.
Upon entering the room, Foolish sees Juan perched on the arm of his sofa, looking at his hands, unmoving.
The Totem can’t move either, frozen on the spot by Juan’s seemingly depressed stature. Did he really do something horrible without realizing?
“Juan…?” Foolish tries softly, feet still glued to the floor in Juan’s doorway.
At the mention of his name, Juan looks up, eyes blank and a tired expression on his face.
“Juan?” Foolish tries again firmer. “Did I do something wrong?”
Juan hums, gaze still deep in the emerald green eyes of the Totem.
“No no, don’t worry. Except Graf doesn’t believe us.”
“What?!” Foolish shouts in indignation, walking toward Juan swiftly but stopping himself a few meters away, “What do you mean, I was so believable!”
“Oh yeah! I think you believable too! It was… good!” Juan reassures, and his cheeks redden.
To Foolish’s surprise, blush starts to spread again on Juan’s nose and cheeks. The Totem decides to ignore that for his own sake.
“Ok, well, what more can we do to make him believe?”
“Well you just need to do more! Be more- affection! I don’t know!” Juan exclaims, waving his hands around.
“What do you mean be more affectionate?! It’s not like I can just kiss you!” Foolish throws.
Juan pauses for a second, frowning like he’s concentrating hard before turning Foolish’s world upside down.
“Wait…. Oh my god Foolish you should kiss me! That’s genius! Graf will see and will leave me alone!”
Juan jumps off the arm of the sofa and gets closer to Foolish who is stunned out of his mind. He apparently takes Foolish’s silence for a refusal because he starts insisting on doing it.
“Man, just help me! It’s the only way!” He complains, groaning with annoyance.
“Ok fine whatever!” Foolish hastily agrees, his shirt suddenly too tight around his body, suffocating him.
He needed to get out of there. He couldn’t face Juan excitedly talking about kissing him for such a stupid plan that didn’t mean anything, all while Foolish was dying a little bit more every day when seeing Juan, desperately wanting to taste those lips.
Before Juan can respond anything to his agreement, Foolish is already out that door heading straight to his dragon. He needed space to breath away from his unhealthy crush and the awful position he has stepped into simply because he can’t refuse Juan anything.
***
The moment comes a sunny afternoon two days later. Juan and Foolish are walking through the commercial district heading for the art store, taking their time to appreciate the summer weather, when Juan suddenly stops in the middle of the street.
He extends an arm to block Foolish’s way and makes him stop as well, and that’s when the Totem notices Graf walking towards them from all the way down the street.
Juan doesn’t waste a second.
“Foolish,” he whispers exaggeratedly, “do it now!”
Foolish freezes at the sight of the man approaching, his fears coming back to him at full speed.
“Juan- I don’t think that’s a great idea…” he sighs, desperately trying to get out of this.
Juan turns to him, capturing the Totem’s attention who turns his head as well, and wraps a hand around Foolish’s nape, forcing him to bend down to his height, their faces inches apart.
The air around them feels thick, Foolish swallowing heavily but not moving an inch. He can see the hurry in Juan’s eyes.
“Foolish, please,” he begs.
Foolish’s heart is beating out of his chest. He wants this so bad, he wants it more then anything, but his brain doesn’t let him forget that none of this is real.
Juan’s breath on his lips, the flicker of his eyes alternating between looking at Foolish’s eyes or lips, Juan licking his lips making them glisten, the gentle touch on Foolish’s skin.
None of this means anything. Juan doesn’t like him, he’s only using him, and Foolish fears that if he kisses those lips his life won’t ever be the same. He’ll never be able to pretend the man doesn’t haunt his every hours, that his smile doesn’t make Foolish’s heart squeeze.
He can’t cross this line. His friendship with Juan having grown to be the only thing that matters to him. He would hate himself forever if he lets his feelings take over.
He just can’t kiss Juan.
His vision blurs and he rips his head away from Juan’s grip, refusing to let Juan see how much this affects him.
He grabs his waystone and teleports, knowing he’s leaving Juan alone on the street with Graf.
The swirl of purple particles envelops him in a cold embrace, not offering even an ounce of comfort.
***
Foolish is laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling in the darkness of the night. The pathetic tears have thankfully stopped streaming down his face, but his eyes are puffy and his face itches.
Maybe he should have just kissed Juan. Should have taken the opportunity so he’d never wonder, so he would forever know what being with Juan tastes like.
Confusion swirls in his mind and he feels sick. His green duvet is too hot for his skin, but the outside world feels too heavy to face, so he just stays put, sweating under his covers.
The mansion is completely silent and Foolish doesn’t have a single idea where everyone is. He doesn’t care.
The quiet suddenly vanishes, replaced by an incessant knocking at his door.
He groans, slowly moving his heavy body out of the safety of his bed, the coldness of the floor hitting his feet makes him shiver.
Foolish opens the door and there’s a distinct lack of surprise when who he finds on the other side is Juan.
The man has his arms crossed over his chest, a deep frown connecting his eyebrows together. He seems to want to jump into a rant the way his mouth opens as soon as Foolish appears, but his anger fades away at the sight of the Totem.
Apparently, Foolish crying was a scary view for everyone around.
Juan’s eyebrows soften, his gaze wanders over Foolish worryingly, and he uncrosses his arm, letting them fall down on his sides.
Foolish turns away and heads back to his bed, knowing that Juan would follow him if what he had to say was really important.
Hurried footsteps and a hand on his wrist stops him when he’s reached the middle of his room. The concerned call of his name makes him turn back.
“What, Juan?” The Totem responds in a tired voice.
“Foolish…” the man repeats in a soft voice, “que- did I do something bad?”
Foolish is surprised Juan has put the blame on himself.
He has rarely seen this side of Juan, the man openly caring about Foolish and how he’s feeling. That’s not something they do, usually. It plays on his heartstrings, makes his heart sings, and Foolish is disappointed that’s all it takes for his mood to go up again. Stupid crush.
“Nothing. It’s not your fault, Juan. I’m just- it’s complicated,” Foolish mutters, pressing his palms into his eyes.
“I want to understand, I don’t want you to feel- like that,” the man insists.
“It’s not something I can tell you, Juan. Just let this go, I’m sorry I couldn’t help with Graf.”
Foolish starts walking backwards to his bed, wanting to see Juan leave, but he doesn’t.
Because if there’s one thing Juan is, it’s that he’s immensely stubborn. And Foolish knows that.
“No. We don’t care about Graf, tell me this.”
“Why do you want to know so bad? It’ll… it’s not useful. It doesn’t matter.”
“It always matter to me. You always matter,” Juan explains, slowly walking towards Foolish like he doesn’t want to scare him off.
The sweet words do wonders on Foolish’s brain, rendering the Totem useless at denying.
“I couldn’t kiss you,” Foolish mumbles, fearfully looking at Juan’s face for any sign that he understands what Foolish is putting down.
“Why?”
As Juan says those words, Foolish can see the same fear reflecting in his eyes.
If Foolish answers, his feelings will be brought to light for Juan to judge and laugh at. If Foolish answers, nothing between them would stay the same.
But there isn’t a single universe in which Foolish lets the fear stay dancing behind Juan’s eyes. Maybe he didn’t quite know what that fear meant, but if Juan needed the reason for Foolish’s previous actions to be at peace, then Foolish would scream it over and over again until his throat hurts.
The Totem takes a shaky breath.
“Because it would’ve felt too real,” he utters quietly in a single breath, anxiety piking painfully in his heart.
For a long moment, Juan’s face is expressionless. Foolish can see the wheel of thoughts turn in the man’s brain but the Totem cannot decipher what he’s thinking.
Then, Juan closes his eyes and opens his mouth.
“Quería que fuera real. That’s why I asked you to date me in the first place…” He whispers, barely audible, opening his chocolate eyes to stare at Foolish. [I wanted it to be real.]
The Totem clears his throat, reality closing down on him fast.
“What?”
Juan walks a few steps closer and takes Foolish’s neck in his hands once more, mirroring their earlier position.
“I thought I couldn’t have you, pendejo,” he explains.
Foolish cannot believe his ears. This must be a dream, he must have fallen asleep while crying.
The Totem subtly pinches himself to be sure.
It’s not a dream. Juan’s gaze on his lips is not a dream, the heat of his hand on Foolish’s neck is not a dream.
“Will you kiss me now?” Juan asks in a rough voice, impatience clear in his eyes.
Foolish doesn’t waste his chance.
Juan tastes like eternity.