Chapter Text
Pomni sighed as she looked over her latest work. It didn’t look that impressive out of context, just a flat black square, but as she lowered it to fit the missing piece of the checkered floor that had been there before, a small smile settled along with it.
It was working. Slowly, but surely, the circus was coming back together. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t what it was before, but it didn’t need to be, as long as it was better than it had been when they started. With Kinger’s guidance, they’d managed to make something out of the husk they’d been left with; Less holes in the floor, less empty space leading to the void, and more important than anything, less distance between all of the people inside.
At first, it had all felt so hopeless. Nobody had known what to do, nobody had known where they went from there, and yet she and Kinger had carried on anyway, with him comforting her that eventually the others would come around. When Ragatha had arrived, true to Kinger’s prediction, to help the two of them in their efforts, it felt like something had shifted, that things might finally start to get better. She’d been proven right in that when Zooble had dragged themself and Gangle over to help out too. Now, it didn’t feel so hopeless anymore.
They had each other. It didn’t matter if they were brain scans instead of the original person they’d thought they’d been, it didn’t matter if they were trapped here forever with no way out, it didn’t even matter if it would never be the same as it was, because they were in it together. Finally, it seemed like everyone was believing it. The only one she still needed to get through to about this was… well, he was being difficult about it, but Pomni was sure he’d come around. Eventually. Hopefully. Maybe.
Footsteps snuck up behind her, and Pomni turned her head. Jax, as usual, had refused to open up. She’d seen him watching from the sidelines these weeks, just like they all had, but he hadn’t come this close to them since Caine had been deleted. He’d just watched, and waited. Pomni had been waiting too.
‘Come on,’ Pomni pleaded in her head as he finally stood there awkwardly, his hands clenched up at his sides and shoulders tightly wound, ‘Just say one word.’
He took a deep breath, and her hopes soared until he sighed out tiredly, and said only, “Never mind.”
‘Well…’ she thought disappointedly as he turned and walked away, refusing to see this as a negative, ‘That was two words. That’s progress.’
But the further away he got, the less it sat right with her. She’d been right there, she had been silent and waiting for him to talk, and he just still couldn’t do it. She’d been telling herself that he’d come to her when he was ready, but she couldn’t think like that anymore - he had been ready, he’d come to talk, and he just couldn’t manage it. Pomni was done being patient.
‘No more waiting,’ she decided, and hurried off to find the others.
She found them atop the balcony, surveying what they’d accomplished. Zooble and Gangle sat back against the wall, talking animatedly, and Gangle waved at her as she arrived. Pomni tried to smile and wave back, only managing a mild grimace. Kinger stopped his conversation with Ragatha abruptly, catching Pomni’s eye, and Ragatha turned to see her too.
“Hey, everything alright?” Zooble asked, concern in her tone.
“We were watching,” Ragatha explained, “Me and Kinger came up here to have a look at how things were coming along, and found those two, when we realised you and Jax were talking. Is everything…?”
She trailed off, but Pomni could understand her meaning. At least they were also bothered by how short and abrupt his attempt at communication was.
“No. He’s not talking, and he needs to. I know it, we all know it, and he clearly knows it too but he’s not doing it,” she says frustrated.
“If he’s not willing to meet us half way, there’s nothing we can do,” Zooble dismissed, and Ragatha sighed.
“We’ve all needed time to adjust,” she tried to be considerate, “maybe he just needs a little longer.”
“He wouldn’t have come over to me if he wasn’t wanting to say something,” Pomni said with certainty, and turned to Kinger who shrugged.
“People deal with things in their own way,” he allowed, but Pomni could tell he was worried too.
“I’m going to talk to Jax,” Pomni announced with resolve, finally firm in her decision. “He can’t just hide from us anymore. We need every hand of help we can get, and… he does too, no matter how much he denies it. I’ve seen him trying to push people away, to push me away, and I know he doesn’t want it, that he doesn’t mean what he says, not really.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Ragatha asked, and quickly tried to explain herself further. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t want him here! He’s just… Jax has never been one to open up, and every time I’ve tried to help him do that, it’s only made things worse. Even before-“
She cut herself off suddenly, eyes widening and hand shooting to cover her mouth. Everyone looked to her and she seemed to shrink in on herself.
“Before what? What happened?” Zooble pressed, and Ragatha shook her head.
“I promised,” she claimed, eyes suddenly tearing up. “I promised him I’d never bring her up again.”
“Who?” Gangle asked, looking confusedly to Zooble and Pomni, neither knowing who she was referring to, but Pomni suddenly remembered that night beneath the stars, and how similarly Ragatha was acting.
“Is this to do with his friend? The one you mentioned by accident before?” She asked, and finally Kinger seemed to have realised who Ragatha had meant.
“Ribbit?” He asked and Ragatha startled at the name despite nodding. Kinger only looked more sad than before. “He told you not to mention her?”
“He made me promise. After she was gone, I tried to be there for him, and as usual he… he lashed out. I just wanted to make it easier for him, but-“ she tried to speak, but broke off from her sentence to begin crying.
Kinger quickly pulled her into a hug, speaking softly, “That wasn’t fair of him to ask that of you.”
“She was his best friend,” Ragatha tried to defend, “I just wanted to comfort him, and if it helped him to not have to hear about her, I wanted to do that…”
“She was your friend too,” Kinger told her, knowingly, and Ragatha’s defence crumbled, sobbing into his shoulder.
“…What happened?” Pomni asked Kinger, but he shook his head.
“I don’t know. Like most of my memory, it’s still too hazy to get any details. One day, they seemed fine, the next, something had changed,” Kinger said, and Ragatha wiped her eyes.
“The Snowy Summit,” She explained, “At least, I think that was the name of the adventure. Caine made us climb a mountain. After that, I really started to notice things had changed… that Jax had changed.”
“He wasn’t always like this?” Zooble asked, surprise clear in her tone. “I can’t picture Jax as anything but the asshole he is today.”
“He’s always been… a lot,” Ragatha admitted, but it was clear to see that there was a strange fondness as she spoke. “But he wasn’t always mean. Just energetic, eager, and enjoyed stirring mild trouble. He was a friend, a real one.”
Gangle’s mask split suddenly, drawing their attention, and she tried to hide it away as she apologised, “Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t-“
“It’s alright,” Zooble put her hand over Gangle’s and asked, “Please, say what you’re thinking?”
“It’s just… why did he have to be the way he is now? Why did he have to treat me like he has? Like he’s treated everyone?” Gangle asked, and Ragatha pulled away from Kinger’s embrace, clasping her hands together.
“When you arrived, Jax might’ve been at his worst. Or, rather, his worst up to that point. It was right after Ribbit had abstracted. The same day,” she explained, and Zooble scoffed.
“That doesn’t make it alright for him to treat her badly then, and every day since then,” they accused, and Ragatha quickly shook her head.
“No, no, I didn’t mean it was. It’s just…” Ragatha trailed off, unable to find the words, and Pomni jumped back into the conversation.
“An explanation. He was hurting, and decided to hide it behind making others hurt instead. Like he always does,” Pomni huffed in annoyance, and Ragatha nodded. “I’m going to talk to him.”
“Is that really a good idea?” Ragatha asked, and Pomni shrugged.
“I don’t know,” she admitted, “But I know him well enough to know that letting him hide away like this is just going to make it worse. From what you’ve said, Ragatha, he’s not stopped hiding in years.”
“If there’s any chance that it makes him less of an insufferable bastard, I’m all for it,” Zooble voted, and turned to put their arm around Gangle who simply sat looking down, thinking.
“I don’t know,” she said, “What if it just makes him act worse?”
“Then we’ll manage it. Together,” Kinger said with certainty, and Gangle nodded, leaning into Zooble’s side.
——————D&B——————
She knew he was in there. Even if he hadn’t said a word, even if he hadn’t replied to her incessant knocking and shouting, even if she’d just been talking to the air, she knew he was in there. The shuffling on carpet, the thuds, the occasional sharp inhale, it all gave him away.
Pomni hadn’t spent much time in this corridor since things had changed. They’d repaired it as best as they could, sure, but it still felt off. Looking at all the abstracted people’s doorways was even more haunting with the lack of colour, and with so much work to do, they’d just taken to sleeping on conjured pillows and blankets wherever they were working to fix next. All except Jax, who headed back in this direction after every time he watched them, who surely walked past Ribbit’s door every time. It wasn’t hard to spot the crossed-out frog picture on one of the doors, and she wondered how often Jax had been forced to see it out the corner of his eye.
She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to see that. She hadn’t known anyone who’d abstracted, had only known Kaufmo, the most recent one, after he’d already become one of the many masses that were now hidden away in the cellar. It was a wonder how that dark space, out of all of the parts of the circus that had fallen apart, had managed to stay sealed away… if they’d gotten out, how would they have managed to get them back in? Would they have been running rampant around the circus, causing havoc like Kaufmo had done? She shook her head. It wasn’t productive to think of what-ifs, especially when Jax needed her in the present.
“Jax, please, can you open the door?” She tried to ask again, and received no answer just like every other time. “I know you don’t want to talk, but I think I’m starting to figure out that as much as you want space, that’s not what you need. And I think you know that too.”
She’d already been here for longer than she’d cared to count. She’d tried telling him about what had been happening while he secluded himself, the plans they’d had for what to do with certain spaces and how to carry on. He’d said nothing, gave no clear answer of what he’d thought of it all, but the sighs, incomprehensible mumbles and shifting of weight had given her enough idea to carry on. The silence this time, though, felt off. Before, it was as if she could still feel what was going on in response to what she was saying. She could hear him pacing around the room, heavy footfalls, mumbling. Now, it was nothing. The silence stretched on longer.
“If you don’t want to come out, it’s fine. If you don’t want me to come in I’ll wait out here. If you don’t even open the door, that’s alright, just let me know you’re okay in there,” she asked, and once again, nothing.
She looked up at the depiction of Jax on the door. Smiling, as usual, but it didn’t look forced. Sure, it was a caricature of their models, not their real self, but it seemed more playful than cruel, more real than forced. She groaned and rested her forehead up against the door. She heard… buzzing? Staticky, electrical. The memory of finding Kaufmo resurfaced suddenly and unbidden, and she immediately recognised where she’d heard that noise before.
“No,” she exclaimed, panic gripping her, then louder, and louder, “No! No, no no no, Jax, open the door!”
She banged her fist against it, tried the handle, and noticed the keyhole. She didn’t need Jax to let her in, she just needed a key, like they’d used to get to Kaufmo. She closed her eyes and did her best to relax, but Kinger’s lessons failed to help her regardless. Where he’d guided her to rely on patience and precision, she now compensated with the desperation she’d felt when trying to find the exit on her first day. Her hands curled around something and her eyes opened. She jammed the manifested key into the lock, twisting it until finally the latch sprung loose and allowed the door to open.
He was in the corner, on his bed, facing the wall, and yet light was glowing infront of him. She rushed around to face him.
“Jax,” she spoke his name, and again got no response, and moved forward. “Jax. Jax, come on.”
She reached the front of him, and when she finally saw his eyes, her panic gave way to dread. Flashing different colours, they were staring into nothing, his pupils both swirling spirals as the colours changed. For a single moment, she was frozen. Then, she shoved him.
“Snap out of it!” She demanded, and finally, as he fell backwards, he blinked.
It seemed like physical contact was enough to snap him out of it. The colours began to fade and recede as he sagged and tried to right himself, hands grasping at his face. His breathing was heavy and desperate like he actually needed to breathe again, growing faster as he glanced around until he settled on the sight of her. She saw confusion, then surprise, then fear, then anger, and his again-yellow eyes turned hard as they glared at her hatefully, as if she hadn’t just saved his life.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” He asked, “How did you even get in? Get out!”
She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do. She’d been prepared to talk to him about his avoidance and seclusion, not about… this, this entirely different level of ‘not okay’. She was still reeling from the realisation of just how much Jax must have been suffering when his arms gripped her shoulders tightly and steered her back out through the open door, and slammed it shut behind her. Finally, her sense returned to her, and an overwhelming anger gripped her. She gripped the door handle and found that he was gripping it from the other side, preventing her from opening it again.
“Seriously?” She yelled through the door, “That happens and you still push me away? Open up you moron!”
“La la la! Not listening! Fuck off!” He yelled back, his usual mocking tone unable to hide the rushed panic in his voice.
“You can’t just avoid this and hope it’ll go back to how it was! Come on, please!” She argued back, and a swell of emotion caught in her throat as she begged.
“Pomni?” She heard her name called from behind her and turned to see Ragatha hurrying along, concern on her face as the others approached behind her. “We came to check in and heard yelling, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, he’s not!” Pomni exclaimed, and pointed angrily at the door, growing frantic, “He nearly abstracted and he still won’t fucking talk!”
They all stopped suddenly at that, eyes snapping to the door. Jax spoke up, defending himself poorly.
“I’m fine,” he hissed, “And why do you care anyway? Just leave me alone!”
“We care because you’re one of us whether you like it or not! Have you not listened to anything we’ve said?” Zooble said, marching up to the door, and groaned when the knob didn’t budge. “Let it go!”
“Why? Why should I?” He asked, “We all know it’s better off this way!”
A beat passed, and Ragatha tried for herself to get through to him, telling him that it wasn’t true, and he began to speak as if he’d made a list of the different ways he’d hurt them. He went over all the times he’d tormented each and every one of them just because he could, all the ways he’d pushed them away. Despite how he meant it as evidence that he wasn’t worth saving, Pomni couldn’t help but see it as something entirely different: a list of things he thought he needed to do to get people to stop caring.
“Just. Let. Me. Go,” he tells them with finality, voice catching on every word. For a moment, Pomni thought that some of them might even agree to it.
“No,” Kinger said before she could, with a tone of finality and authority, and deep care, “I’ve seen enough people abstract. No matter who you are, no matter how you’ve behaved, nobody deserves that.”
Jax had nothing to say to that. The only sounds coming from the other side of the door were sniffles and stuttering, shallow breaths, then stomping steps moving away. Pomni took the key that had stayed clenched in her hand, and once more unlocked the door. She wrenched it open, pushed wide, and all of them stared inside.
Jax looked…completely fine. As if nothing had happened, he looked just as he always had. His eyes were bright and amused, his pupils were full and wide, his posture was straight and relaxed, and his smile was stretched wider than Pomni had ever seen it. It was the scariest and saddest thing she’d ever seen, not because of how it looked, but because she knew that absolutely none of it was real.
“You guys worry too much. Have any of you figured out how to make food yet? I’m starving here,” he said in a total change of subject, his tone light and playful as he strode past them, shoving them aside as if they weren’t there.
Pomni turned to look after him as he confidently walked down the corridor, chattering away at them as if expecting them to simply go along with his facade, then looked at the others. Her only comfort was that they looked to be just as disturbed by the display as she was.