Work Text:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@SensSouthStand:
Alright hockey Twitter, it's game night.
Round 1:
❤️ Marry
🔥 Fuck
💀 Kill
- Scott Hunter (NY Admirals)
- Cliff Marlow (Boston Bears)
- Ilya Rozanov (Ottawa Centaurs)
Explain your choices.
#FuckMarryKillFaceoff
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@PuckMom88:
Marry Scott. He looks like he'd remember anniversaries.
Fuck Roz.
Sorry Cliff. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@BearsNation:
Kill nobody.
Marry Cliff.
Fuck Roz.
Scott understands. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@KipGrady:
As Scott's boyfriend I'd like to abstain.
...also I feel like I automatically win?
@ScottHunter:
You do. ❤️
@CliffMarlow:
Every year somebody kills me in one of these games.
I'm starting to take it personally. 😔
@IlyaRozanov:
HAHA.
Everybody kill Cliff.
Very funny, yes. 😂
@CliffMarlow:
Blocked.
@BostonBruiser:
Marry Cliff.
Fuck Ilya.
Kill Scott because he chirps my team. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@ScottHunter:
Reasonable.
@IlyaRozanov:
Marry Scott because he old. Stable investment.
Fuck me because I am excellent.
Kill Cliff because he steal my hoodies in Boston.
Easy game, yes. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@CliffMarlow:
YOU LEFT THOSE HOODIES.
@IlyaRozanov:
Did not.
@BostonLockerRoom:
This argument has been going on for nine years.
@SvetlanaVetrova:
Marry Cliff.
Kill Ilya.
For childhood reasons. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@IlyaRozanov:
Traitor.
@OttawaForever:
Roz answering his own FMK is exactly why the internet exists. 😂
@CoachWiebe:
Shouldn't you all be at practice?
@IlyaRozanov:
No.
@CoachWiebe:
Check the schedule again.
@IlyaRozanov:
...
Leaving Twitter now, yes.
Twenty-three minutes later.
@IlyaRozanov:
Practice done.
Coach cannot stop internet.
@HarrisDrover:
This is objectively great engagement.
@TroyBarrett:
Our social media manager encouraging this seems irresponsible.
@HarrisDrover:
Correct.
@JordanYoung:
Marry Scott.
Fuck Cliff.
Kill Roz because I have to share a locker room with him. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@IlyaRozanov:
Jealousy.
@NickChouinard:
Kill Roz because he keeps stealing everyone's tape.
@IlyaRozanov:
Borrowing.
Forever.
@WyattHayes:
Marry Cliff.
Fuck Scott.
Kill Roz.
He snores on road trips. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@IlyaRozanov:
Lies.
@LucaHaas:
Truth.
@JoshBoyle:
Scientific fact.
@PeteHolmberg:
Confirmed.
@FelixLP:
The bus once shook.
@IlyaRozanov:
Conspiracy.
@ShaneHollander:
He's actually very quiet.
@OttawaForever:
SHANE??? 👀
@IlyaRozanov:
❤️
@HaydenPike:
Aw.
@JackiePike:
Don't encourage him.
A fan quotes the original tweet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@CenterIceChaos:
ROUND TWO.
- Hayden Pike (Montreal Metros)
- Luca Haas (Ottawa Centaurs)
- Vincent Lemaire (Minnesota Nomads)
Go. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@MontrealFaithful:
Marry Hayden.
He's a family man.
Fuck Vincent.
Sorry Luca. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@LucaHaas:
WHAT DID I DO?
@HaydenPike:
I have four kids.
Nobody should be choosing "fuck”.
I'm tired.
@JackiePike:
Correct.
@IlyaRozanov:
Hayden already marry.
Disqualified.
Rules.
@SensSouthStand:
There are no rules.
@IlyaRozanov:
Terrible game then. 😒
@RoseLandry:
Marry Luca.
Fuck Vincent.
Kill Hayden because he accidentally causes chaos. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff 😄
@HaydenPike:
IT WAS ONE TIME.
@RoseLandry:
One spectacular time.
@JJDagenais:
Kill Hayden.
For reasons.
@HaydenPike:
NOT YOU TOO.
@DavidHollander:
As Shane's father...
No comment.
@YunaHollander:
Actually, I have one.
Hayden owes us approximately three years of peaceful anonymity.
@HaydenPike:
Mrs. Hollander...
@YunaHollander:
😀
@VincentLemaire:
I appreciate being included.
Concerned.
But appreciative.
@LucaHaas:
Marry me.
I cook. 🙏
@OttawaFansDaily:
Haasy campaigning.
Respect.
@ZaneBoodram:
Luca absolutely wrote that while making pasta.
@LucaHaas:
Correct.
@IlyaRozanov:
Marry Luca.
He feed people.
Fuck Vincent.
Kill Hayden.
Entire internet know why, yes. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@HaydenPike:
I KNEW THIS WAS COMING.
@ShaneHollander:
...
@HaydenPike:
Shane please.
@ShaneHollander:
I'm not saying anything.
@HaydenPike:
That's somehow worse.
Hours pass.
The hashtag keeps climbing.
Someone posts another round.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@NeutralZoneNerd:
Final round.
- J.J. Dagenais (Montreal Metros)
- Scott Hunter (NY Admirals)
- Shane Hollander (Ottawa Centaurs)
Choose wisely. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The replies explode.
@PrideOnIce:
Marry Shane. ❤️
Immediately. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@BookishGoalie:
Marry Shane. ❤️
He looks like he'd alphabetize the pantry. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@GingerAleEnjoyer:
Marry Shane. ❤️
We could quietly drink ginger ale together. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@MetroMemories:
Fuck Scott.
Marry Shane. ❤️
Sorry J.J. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@JJDagenais:
I have accepted my fate.
@AdmiralsFaithful:
Scott is hot.
Shane is husband material.
@CoffeeAndPucks:
Marry Shane. ❤️
Those freckles. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@FrecklesFan99:
Those freckles deserve federal protection.
@ScottHunter:
This round is significantly more flattering than the first one.
@KipGrady:
Congratulations, dear.
@ScottHunter:
Thank you.
@HockeyStatsGuy:
Marriage win probability:
Shane 78%.
Scott 20%.
J.J. 2%.
@JJDagenais:
The 2% are my cousins.
@MetroForever:
Shane Hollander is the definition of green flag.
@AutographCollector:
Met Shane once.
He apologized because the marker almost ran out of ink.
Marry.
@OttawaForever:
Shane literally radiates husband energy.
@NHLMemes:
Everyone collectively deciding Shane is marriage material is the least surprising outcome.
@RoseLandry:
Can confirm.
Excellent boyfriend.
Even better friend.
@DavidHollander:
We agree.
@YunaHollander:
Obviously.
@HaydenPike:
Honestly?
Same.
@JackiePike:
Hayden.
@HaydenPike:
PLATONICALLY.
@LucaHaas:
Marry Shane. ❤️
He folds towels correctly.
@WyattHayes:
Marry Shane.
He reminds everyone to eat vegetables.
@JoshBoyle:
Marry Shane.
He returns shopping carts.
@PeteHolmberg:
Marry Shane.
He says thank you to GPS.
@JordanYoung:
He apologized to a vending machine once.
@ShaneHollander:
It wasn't the machine's fault.
@OttawaFansDaily:
OH MY GOD.
@IlyaRozanov:
...
@TroyBarrett:
Uh oh.
@HarrisDrover:
Everyone remain calm.
Content is happening.
@IlyaRozanov:
Why everybody marry my husband. 😠
@PuckMom88:
Because he's adorable?
@IlyaRozanov:
No.
Mine.
@FrecklesFan99:
Respectfully -
@IlyaRozanov:
Disrespectfully.
Mine.
@ScottHunter:
You are aware this isn't legally binding?
@IlyaRozanov:
Internet marriage still marriage.
@CliffMarlow:
Buddy...
@IlyaRozanov:
NO CLIFF.
Everybody suddenly expert on my husband.
"Freckles."
"Green flag."
"I drink ginger ale."
I KNOW.
@HaydenPike:
He's spiralling.
@JackiePike:
He's pouting.
@SvetlanaVetrova:
Possessive Russian detected.
@CoachWiebe:
Roz.
Log off.
@IlyaRozanov:
Coach cannot stop love.
@CoachWiebe:
That's not what this is.
@HarrisDrover:
This is my favourite day at work.
@ScottHunter:
For the record I'd also marry Shane.
He's lovely. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@IlyaRozanov:
SCOTT.
ET TU.
@KipGrady:
Scott, perhaps not helping.
@ScottHunter:
Fair.
@JJDagenais:
I'd marry Shane too.
He remembers birthdays. #FuckMarryKillFaceoff
@IlyaRozanov:
J.J.
You survive Montreal and betray me.
@JJDagenais:
I'm not trying to marry him.
I'm acknowledging objective reality.
@LucaHaas:
Honestly, same.
@WyattHayes:
Same.
@JordanYoung:
Same.
@PeteHolmberg:
Same.
@JoshBoyle:
Same.
@NickChouinard:
Same.
@TroyBarrett:
Same.
@CoachWiebe:
Team meeting tomorrow.
Mandatory.
@ShaneHollander:
Ilya?
@IlyaRozanov:
Yes, sunshine. 😍
@ShaneHollander:
You know I'm already married, right?
@IlyaRozanov:
Yes.
To me.
Still do not like competition.
@ShaneHollander:
There isn't any.
@IlyaRozanov:
Good.
Because I already pick.
Marry Shane.
Fuck Shane.
Kill anybody who pick Shane.
@HarrisDrover:
...and that's how #FuckMarryKillFaceoff was officially retired by order of one extremely jealous Russian captain.