Archive of Our Own

He had been shunned by the people who ran his orphanage, had been put through pain and worse, but they had never looked at him with such hate. He was familiar with anger and disgust, but the loathing Akutagawa seemed to harbor for him was new. He couldn't understand.

Atsushi never truly found the saying 'hate breeds hate' relatable before now. He had responded with fear and obedience, and even bone-deep sorrow at everything he had gone through, and while he knew of hate, he wasn't too keen on letting that feeling consume him. He knew what hate did to people.

And yet Akutagawa was consumed by hate in a way he hadn't seen before. It was grotesque. It made Akutagawa powerful.

Hate breeds hate.

It was impossible not to hate Akutagawa.

He made Kyouka feel useless, he hurt her, he hurt and hated Atsushi, hated Atsushi so intensely it was a wonder he wasn't driven insane by it. He couldn't understand the simplest thing; be kind to people. Tell them they are worthy. Tell them they belong in this world.

Because Dazai-san had told Atsushi that, and Atsushi now felt like he belonged, somewhat.

Akutagawa couldn't understand that. Akutagawa didn't seem to want to.

So Atsushi fought for himself and for Kyouka, punched Akutagawa hard enough he could feel Akutagawa's skull crack under his clawed fist, and hoped he'd never see Akutagawa again.

2. 

Sometimes Atsushi thought of Akutagawa as a monster. One that you had to check for before falling asleep, one that might hide under your bed or in your closet to eat you alive once you were unaware. Because every time Atsushi's guard was down, Akutagawa would appear, like the monster he is, just to terrorize Atsushi. He hadn't counted on Dazai-san's strategy; "Tell him I'm on the intercom, Atsushi. Tell him I want to talk to him. Then throw the intercom away with all your might."; but the monster had dove for the device like it was a lifeline, and Atsushi was once again stumped by Akutagawa's behavior.

What was his deal, Atsushi couldn't tell. But it wasn't the time to figure that out. He had a whale of a ship to crash, and a city to save.

Francis S. Fitzgerald was undeniably strong. Despite that, Atsushi felt as if he would have had a better chance fighting the Guild leader if fucking Akutagawa wasn't trying to actively kill him during their battle at the same time. Atsushi was angry. He hated Akutagawa. Akutagawa talked a lot of smack about Atsushi, as if he was a particularly difficult book to comprehend, as if he even wanted Akutagawa's comprehension in the first place. He couldn't believe that a notorious murderer was trying to criticize him and his way of living.

Atsushi didn't think he had a place in this world, he hated himself, but Akutagawa had no right trying to tell him how to live. Akutagawa didn't have the right. Finding out about Atsushi's own past didn't mean Akutagawa could suddenly read him easily; what the hell did Akutagawa know about pain and suffering? About being unwanted? About never fitting in anywhere?

The thing about having a conversation with someone as stubborn as Akutagawa was that they would often just tell you things about themselves, both important and not. Suddenly, Atsushi was confused.

What did Dazai-san have to do with any of this?

But it made sense now, didn't it?

Atsushi understood Akutagawa a little, even if he really, really didn't want to.

And even if, even if Akutagawa was right about not waiting for anyone to give you permission to live, he was still a murderer. One who took lives without needing to. Worthless. Akutagawa said he was worthless? Akutagawa should look into a fucking mirror. What a joke.

And yet. And yet.

Atsushi really was lucky, wasn't he? He had so many people waiting for him to come back. So many people who would die if he failed here and now, on this ship, fighting his greatest adversary yet. He had so much on the line. Atsushi still felt that he was doomed to fail. He couldn't do anything right.

But if he didn't at least try, then why was he here?

"Akutagawa?"

"What?"

"Am I a fool?  Is it worthless of me to want to escape from those memories?"

"It is. The words of your past are fundamentally unrelated to who you are now."

"...I see."

Perhaps he was right. Perhaps he was wrong.

But if what Atsushi was had nothing to do with who he is now...then he had nothing to lose. His existence would have lead up to this point. To protect everything he cherished.

"I think Dazai-san already approved of you a long time ago."

Last words were supposed to mean something. And while he had no love for Akutagawa, Atsushi thought it better that Akutagawa at least know this. Akutagawa was strong. It was such a waste that he kept trying to prove himself, when he was already such a force of nature . But it didn't matter now. All that mattered was the Guild leader standing before them, too strong and too powerful, and Atsushi thought of nothing else.

3. 

It was carnage. Twenty, maybe thirty bodies were strewn on the floor, bloodied and massacred. The stench of blood was too strong, Atsushi bit down on his own lip hard, quelling the nausea inside of him. Tamping down the rage.

Akutagawa had murdered so many people. Atsushi wasn't a stranger to this knowledge, but he thought— didn't things change?

"Why." He gritted out, vision focusing on the familiar figure of Akutagawa standing in the midst of it all, "Why do you have to do this?"

Akutagawa turned around and looked at him curiously, "What?"

"Why do you have to kill?!"

The look Akutagawa gave him was condescending. He walked closer to Atsushi, and Atsushi was ready for Rashomon, or whatever the hell Akutagawa had up his sleeve, but nothing happened. Akutagawa simply stopped before him, still looking at him like he was dirt on Akutagawa's shoe, "To earn my keep. Do you think just whining around waiting for someone to say "It's alright, I give you permission to live" is the thing to do? The way you are right now? It's a pathetic way to live."

Akutagawa bared his teeth, an expression Atsushi had never seen before, "I'm strong. Look at what I'm capable of!" He gestured to the bodies behind him, but Atsushi couldn't look away from Akutagawa. "Dazai-san said I needed to be strong, to be better, and I've done exactly that. And he saw me. He saw how far I've come. This is what I do to make that happen, and it works! It works, can't you see? He told me I've grown strong, and— And even then, he's still with—"

Akutagawa was shaking. He coughed, a harsher fit than usual, both hands cupped to his mouth as he shook. Atsushi thought he saw blood between Akutagawa's fingers, but couldn't be sure once Akutagawa had stopped.

"I've earned my place in the Port Mafia," Akutagawa continued, voice hoarse, but his eyes were piercing, "Just as you've earned your keep in that two-bit detective agency. You've done everything they asked you to. How could you not see this?"

Atsushi felt cold. It wasn't the same at all, he knew. He needed to tell Akutagawa that. He could do nothing but ask, instead, "How do you sleep peacefully at night, Akutagawa?"

"I don't."

4. 

Seeking the man-tiger out wasn't a challenge in the least. He was predictable in his routine, being a young member of the Armed Detective Agency, and a teenager in general. Late night store visits were so cliched for a young adult, and Akutagawa found him walking slowly to the 24-hour store near the agency's dormitories all alone. It had been a while since they've faced off. Akutagawa wondered if he had gotten stronger.

So Akutagawa summoned Rashomon and simply wrapped a tendril around Atsushi's right leg, driving the sharp tip deep inside his foot, just to make sure he stayed there. Atsushi screamed; he always seemed to scream so much, Akutagawa had realized. He tugged on the tendril and Atsushi fell flat on his face, onto the concrete.

It was disappointing.

"You're never alert, man-tiger. Killing you is going to be so easy, and it wouldn't even be worth it."

Atsushi said something that Akutagawa couldn't hear, mumbling words into the ground. Perhaps he had a concussion.

"What?"

Atsushi pushed himself up, and the rage in his eyes was sudden, and Akutagawa found himself speechless.

"I said, how many times have you stabbed me with Rashomon. Do you even know?"

"I've lost count," Akutagawa said honestly, because he truly didn't know, and there was something about how angry Atsushi looked. Atsushi reached down, and his aura flared a brilliant blue as his arm changed into the tiger's as he ripped Rashomon out of his foot and crushed it altogether. Akutagawa had a ready stance, prepared to fight Atsushi if it came down to it, but Atsushi didn't lunge for him.

"Too many times is what," Atsushi was spitting his words, like they were venom on his tongue, "Leave me alone. What the fuck have I done to you? Your deal is with Dazai-san, so go fucking stab Dazai-san. I didn't know who you were, I never wanted to know who you were. There's no bounty on my head anymore. There's no reason for you to hunt me down like I'm prey!"

The anger in Atsushi's tone was new. It was different. Akutagawa wasn't sure what to make of this. 

Atsushi turned around to leave, and Akutagawa wouldn't let him go just yet, not after everything he had dared to say, "Man-tiger—"

He was grabbed by the neck too fast, choking immediately. Atsushi's iron grip lifted him off of his feet. Atsushi's eyes were blazing and slitted, and Rashomon didn't have the time to attack him before his other hand clawed at the blackness, destroying it.

"Your shit is with Dazai-san. Go settle it with Dazai-san. I never want to see your face again."

Akutagawa was dropped like a broken doll, crumpling to the floor. He coughed and coughed, his throat raw and bruised, and when he looked up, Atsushi was gone.

5. 

"Man-tiger, are you trying to look even more pitiful than you already are?"

Atsushi looked up, and shook his head, dropping his gaze back to his hands, "Go away, Akutagawa."

Akutagawa didn't leave. He crossed his arms and stood before Atsushi, and kept quiet. Atsushi's voice was shaky. Akutagawa thought that he was about to cry, but was stubborn enough not to do it in front of Akutagawa. Fool. Akutagawa had heard about the dead orphanage headmaster. (Had he been researching the man-tiger's background? Yes and no. Someone had been sending him unsolicited information about Nakajima Atsushi and he had a good idea on who it was. Why he was being sent the information, he wasn't sure. 

"You," Atsushi said after a moment of silence, swallowed once, and continued, "You said the words in the past are unrelated to who I am now. But...I can't forget. Even if I wanted to. There's no ripping those memories out of my skull and starting over. My past made me who I am. I can't just—"

He exhaled harshly, and looked up at Akutagawa with desperation in his eyes, a tiger gone mad with conflict, "Can you forget what had happened in your past? Is it that simple? Is it just me who doesn't know how to move on?"

Akutagawa could lie. He could lie and say that he had forgotten his previous life. 

But. 

"I haven't forgotten. Not one detail. I use my memories to make me stronger. I won't be treated the way I was when I was a child," Akutagawa said, and uncrossed his arms, "'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' You have survived so much, man-tiger, do not let that go to waste. Use it to your advantage. Anger is a good weapon."

Atsushi looked at him for a little longer, before tearing his gaze away, rubbing his eyes with a sleeve. 

"I'm...I'm not going to be like you. Don't ever think I'd end up like you."

An answer fitting of a fool. Akutagawa didn't smile, but he couldn't bring himself to speak harshly, "I don't expect you to."

6. 

It had been going fine; the members of the gang were all tied up, and Atsushi had gotten the hostages out of the abandoned building and into safety. Tanizaki was now driving them to the nearest police station, and they had succeeded. The mission was complete. 

He heard it before he saw it, and jumped to the side just before Akutagawa's Rashomon struck the ground where he stood, and he turned to see Akutagawa himself, looking unimpressed with everything. Atsushi knew for a fact that Akutagawa hadn't really been trying to hit him. Rashomon was too slow. 

"What are you doing here, Akutagawa?"

"Clean up duty. This gang owes too much to the Port Mafia."

Rashomon rose like obsidian snakes above Akutagawa's head as he aimed for the captive members. Atsushi immediately stepped forward and got in its way, holding his arms out to stop Akutagawa.

"No. They've surrendered. You don't have to kill them."

Akutagawa frowned, "I have my orders, man-tiger."

Atsushi felt angry again. Akutagawa never failed to piss him off, "You really are more worthless than I am. I'd rather live a life whining and waiting for approval rather than killing people, Akutagawa. I'd rather lose my dignity than my humanity. Don't you feel anything at all?"

"Killing is what I'm good for, man-tiger, I'll be worthless if I don't kill. The Port Mafia saw that potential in me. Dazai-san saw how good I was. Killing is what I'm made for."

"Who told you that?" Was it possible to be angry and terribly sad at the same time? "What made you believe in it, Akutagawa?" 

Atsushi shook his head. He understood Akutagawa, but at the same time knew nothing about the man, "You're so strong yet you take lives for the sake of a greedy organization. You don't have to kill to survive anymore, you're so strong. What else do you have to prove? I might not be living a life you approve of, but I'm here and alive, and I don't have to make others suffer. You don't have to, either!"

"You can't— " Akutagawa growled, annoyed, "This is what Dazai-san told me. I must be fast, I must be stronger than everyone. I have no value if I'm not!"

Atsushi took a deep breath, knowing that he might incur Akutagawa's wrath if he continued, but needing to say what had been plaguing him from the very first time he understood Akutagawa's motivations,

"Have you ever considered the fact that Dazai-san made you this way?"

Akutagawa didn't say anything. He looked so surprised, he wasn't even blinking.

"Akutagawa. I understand desperation too well. I know what it feels like to latch onto anything that offers the slightest bit of hope. But what does it mean when you've gotten so strong for Dazai-san, and he didn't even stick around for you?"

Atsushi couldn't help it. Akutagawa wasn't faultless, he knew, but there was no quelling the pity he felt for this lost, lost man, "It means he was wrong."

"Shut up!" 

Akutagawa lunged for him, and was as fierce as a hellhound out for blood. Atsushi was taken aback, but he could understand. It wasn't easy hearing the truth. They fought and drew blood, so much that Atsushi felt woozy, significantly weakened. He only defended himself. He had no reason to fight Akutagawa.

But Akutagawa's movements began to falter eventually, like a puppet whose strings were cut. He simply stopped at one point and stared at the ground, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

Atsushi chose to be silent when Akutagawa retreated soon after, leaving him alone.

7.

"I think Dazai-san is trying to make us work together," Atsushi confessed, standing beside Akutagawa at the pier, looking out into the ocean. It was the third solo mission he had that somehow ended up with Akutagawa arriving on scene. It couldn't be a coincidence. 

"What could possibly make you think that?" 

"First of all, I've been getting missions that you're apparently involved in too, one way or another, and sometimes I get these files..." Atsushi trailed off, looked at Akutagawa, and scowled, "You're being sarcastic."

"No shit."

"Ugh, I don't know why I try with you."

"No one's telling you to try, whatever that means."

Atsushi turned to Akutagawa, practically stomping his foot in the process, "Don't act like you're not trying to understand me too, Akutagawa. Don't deny something that obvious, it's embarrassing."

Akutagawa tsks, glaring at Atsushi. He crossed his arms, but didn't say another word. 

That felt satisfying. Atsushi grinned in victory. It was short-lived, because Rashomon had apparently slithered behind him to wrap around his belt, pulling him hard enough that he fell down on his ass. Never failed to piss him off, "You need to stop."

"You were getting cocky," If that wasn't amusement in Akutagawa's voice, then Atsushi didn't know what amusement was, "I don't know what Dazai-san is planning. But someone needs to keep you in line."

Atsushi raised an eyebrow from where he was on the ground, "As if you don't need to be kept in line, you're the violent Port Mafia assassin."

"Maybe that's why you're here, fool. I can't be the only one doing all the work," Atsushi could see the regret in Akutagawa's features once he finished speaking, and that felt even more satisfying. Akutagawa glanced at him, and seemed very annoyed by what he saw, "Honestly, this is a waste of time."

"Probably," Atsushi sat up, "I'm still willing to try, though. Dazai-san is usually right about things. Usually. Not always."

Akutagawa looked down at him with an unfathomable expression. He held out a hand, and Atsushi took it after some hesitation. Akutagawa pulled him up to his feet and didn't let go of Atsushi for a moment. Their eyes locked. Atsushi thought of a future of fighting alongside Akutagawa, of cooperating with him. The pros and cons. The possibility that they might try to kill each other and maybe even succeed. The possibility of being friends. 

He decided that it was worth a try. 

It was Akutagawa who looked away first, dropping his hand, "I still can't forgive you."

"For what?" 

He watched Akutagawa closely. If...this whole Dazai-san thing was going to be an issue, then...

"For punching me so hard I was incapacitated for a whole week, man-tiger."

Atsushi was so relieved, he had to smile, "Okay, that's fair. I don't think I've forgiven you, too."

"Good." Akutagawa said with finality, and turned his head to cough lightly in his fist. Atsushi turned to the ocean, watching how it glittered. 

If he really were to try, then he supposed he should do his best. 

"Akutagawa."

"What?"

"Do you drink coffee?"