Chapter Text
Everything was safe. River knew that. She knew that Serenity was safe. Hands of blue were gone forever now. Everyone knew the secret of the reavers now. It was all safe and peaceful like snowflakes falling into a crowded forest. Yet, she never quite felt safe. It felt like the wolves were always lurking beneath the cold white snow. Sometimes with the medicine Simon gave her, the world almost made sense. It wasn’t all crashing and running and flying sky every moment in her mind. She had moments of lucidity. There were longer and longer periods when she felt like a human girl again. But at night, when Simon was with Kaylee and River was alone in her room, the dreams were difficult. The thoughts she had while trying to fall asleep were even worse. She knew there were ways that she could sleep better but they were never going to happen.
By day she watched him. It hurt to be near him almost as much as it helped. Jayne Cobb was never afraid. He was often irritated or angry or lustful, but not afraid. Even the Captain had memories of fear from his time in the war. He and Zoe both had those memories and sometimes they would have moments of panic that they hid from the others. Jayne didn’t have those. His mind wasn’t the confusing mess of emotions that she felt swirling around in everyone else. He was steady, solid, unwavering. That’s why she liked to be near him. His lack of emotions brought her stability. That and because she liked to watch him. She was a woman now with a woman’s needs. She liked to watch him lift weights or polish his guns. The sight stirred up feelings in her that made her want womanly things. But it hurt because she knew that Jayne only thought of her as Simon’s crazy sister. He barely noticed her except to be wary and he had no idea how much she needed him.
She was never going to tell him. She might be crazy but she wasn’t that crazy. He would most likely be even more wary of her if he had any idea of the lustful way she had thought of him. He probably wouldn’t believe that his mind helped to stabilize hers. So she kept it all to herself. Not even Simon knew that it wasn’t entirely his medicine that was helping her. Most days she tried to keep Jayne within proximity but not too close. He noticed that she followed him around like a lost puppy. It irritated him because he was concerned that she might go nuts and try to cut him again but he wasn’t afraid of her. Jayne didn’t really do fear like most people. Hence the reason she needed to be near him in the first place.
Then late one morning, a few weeks after Wash’s death, River had been following him at a distance down one of the corridors in Serenity and Jayne turned to her. He was actually a little angry.
“Can you stop following me all over the gorram ship for once?” He said.
“No,” She almost squeaked the word. He was serious. He was intent on ending her cure, on making her keep her distance.
“Why the hell not?” He asked, figuring that if she weren’t afraid of reavers he probably couldn’t scare her away. There had to be a solution to get rid of her.
“Because you have the cure. You keep the wolves under the snow,” She said. She knew she hadn’t used the proper words, the words that would make sense to him. Whatever those words were, she couldn’t find them.
“I don’t know what wolves you’re talkin’ ‘bout and I ain’t got no cure to nothing,” He said, moving away from her. “I suggest you keep your distance. You’re starting to damage my calm.”
River caught his arm before he could leave her. “If I keep my distance, I won’t have any calm,” She told him, feeling tears starting to form in her eyes.
“What are you saying?” Jayne regarded her with pity mixed with confusion.
River struggled to find the words to answer his question. “All the feelings of everyone on this ship muddles my brain. Zoe is so lonely and Inara and Kaylee are tangled up in love and can’t think about anything else… it makes me tired to be near them...Simon is always worried, and even Mal has nightmares about the war...but you...fear doesn’t stay with you. It’s there for a moment and then it’s gone because you have bigger guns and can keep the wolves away…” Her voice was breaking as she tried to tell him this.
“You’re saying that if you gotta feel other people’s feelings, mine are easier?” He asked, surprisingly perceptive.
“Yes,” She nodded, having conveniently left out the fact that not only did his mind help to calm her, but that she wanted more from him than just his mind. He didn’t need to know about that. Not ever.
Jayne sighed and he scratched his head. “If I let you follow me about, you gotta promise me that there won’t be any knives or any violence against my person.”
River nodded. “I promise, I don’t want to hurt you now anyway.”
“Good,” He moved away from her, seemingly having accepted that answer.
For a week River followed him everywhere and not so much at a distance anymore. Simon was too busy with Kaylee and his duties as a doctor to notice how his sister was spending her time. He didn’t know that when they stopped on a moon for a shopping excursion that River went with Jayne to a firing range to play with guns. River didn’t really want him to know anyway. Simon didn’t like Jayne. He didn’t understand how much she needed him. Besides, River was good with a gun. She was so good that she impressed Jayne enough to let her shoot Vera a few times.
At the next stop, most of the crew left the ship for a job, leaving River and Simon all alone on Serenity. Five hours later they returned carrying Jayne. He had been shot three times and was barely conscious. As they carried him in and put him on the medical table, River started to panic.
“Simon, don’t let him die. He can’t die. He can’t…” She began to ramble. “If he dies then the wolves will come back. The wolves will come up out of the peaceful snow and there will be no big guns to stop them… you can’t let him die… you can’t...you can’t…”
“River you need to go,” Simon told her as he tried to set to work on Jayne.
“No! I can’t go out into the snow alone,” She started to cry as Zoe put an arm around her to escort her out of the room. “The storm will cover the foot prints. I won’t know the way back. Simon, don’t let him die!”
Zoe gently pulled her from the room. “It’s gonna be okay honey,” Zoe tried to soothe her. Zoe meant well but she didn’t understand.
“She sure picked a hell of a time to have a meltdown,” Mal said from out in the hallway where they had sat down in chairs to wait for surgery to be over. “Maybe when the doc has stabilized things a bit he can give her some more medicine.”
“I don’t need medicine, I need Jayne to live,” River said, angry that they never understood.
“You mean to tell me you actually care if that ornery bastard lives?” Mal said. His words were a disguise. River knew he wanted Jayne to live too. He just didn’t believe that she did.
“He is nice to me when everyone else is busy. He let me shoot Vera,” River told them with words they would understand.
Zoe looked surprised. “I guess he is nice to you.”
“He keeps the wolves away,” River added.
“I know you like to speak in riddles,” Mal said, “But the rest of us don’t always know the meaning of those riddles. What are these wolves you keep talking about?”
“The big bad wolf, he ate the three pigs and the grandma. The wolves eat everything. They visit our nightmares and they follow us by day… they never never never go away.” River tried to explain but she knew the words were wrong again.
“Okay…” Mal said, not understanding. “How does Jayne help?”
“All the bad things, they come back over and over. Two by two with hands of blue...I see them when I try to sleep, I remember them when I’m alone and everyone is busy. I remember them when when the people around me feel scared…” She tried to explain, she could tell that this time she was making sense to them. “Everyone gets scared and everyone has too many feelings. Too many feelings for one person… like wolves hiding in the snow.”
Zoe shrugged. “She’s right Captain. Jayne has hardly any feelings at all. Probably is easier for someone like her.”
“He does have feelings!” River protested a little forcefully. “He does… it’s just that they are simpler. It helps to keep me steady, grounded.”
When the surgery was over, no one protested at River sitting next to Jayne’s bed in the infirmary waiting for him to wake up. No one protested when she stayed with him for the entire next two days. After Jayne was finally able to walk on his own, Simon released him to finish recovering in his bunk. No one said a word when River went to visit him there. No one except Jayne.
“What the heck you think you’re doin’ here girl?” He asked as she climbed down into his bunk an hour after he had been released from the infirmary.
“Visiting,” She said simply.
“Meaning no offense, but I think I’ve had enough visiting for a little while.” He said, he was really tired and just wanted to sleep. It wasn’t that he needed her gone. She knew that.
“You can sleep. I’ll stay quiet,” She offered.
“And do what? It’s gotta be past 10PM already. You should go to bed,” He told her.
“Okay,” She said agreeable but she didn’t leave. He was laying there shirtless because the shirt irritated the stitches on his shoulder. She couldn’t stop staring. Maybe it was time to find out…if he didn’t like it she could just pretend to be crazy. He would believe that’s all that had happened. River just being crazy again.
She went to his bunk and carefully climbed right over him without touching and lay down on the opposite side of his bed against the wall.
“Hey whatchya…?” Jaybe was too stunned to even finish the question.
“You said it was time to sleep,” River said simply.
“I didn’t mean here,” He said.
“You’re going to sleep here. Why shouldn’t I? I thought you liked sleeping next to women,” She said innocently, laying a hand on his bare belly.
It was then that she felt it. He did feel something for her. He did want her the way she wanted him but he felt guilt about it too. She allowed herself a smile at this small victory.
“I’m still injured...and how old are you? You ought not to be here…” Jayne protested.
“I’m nineteen...besides, being injured hasn’t stopped you before,” She told him, knowing that he’d been shot before and been with a woman not long after.
“River,” He said, removing her hand from off his body. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You need to go on back to your own bunk.”
She pulled her hand away from him and met his eyes. “I do know what I’m talking about and I do know what I want. I know what you want too. You can’t hide from me Jayne Cobb.”
“Still don’t make it right. Your brother and Mal both are likely to kill me if I ever touched you.”
“They don’t own me. I have just as many needs as they do. Don’t send me away...please?” She said. Now that she was this close, the last thing she wanted was to leave.
He didn’t answer her. He was thoroughly confused. He hadn’t even known that he wanted her until just then and now his desire was in direct conflict with his sense of duty. She made the decision easier for him. She leaned close and kissed him. His arms came around her and he was kissing her in return. His hands were on her backside and he pulled her body flush against his. She could feel his hardness pressing against her thigh. She kicked off her boots without ending the kiss and she reached for the button of his pants. He removed them himself. Then she pulled the dress off over head, leaving the both of them in only their underwear.
She liked the way his hands roamed her bare skin. The feeling was overwhelming but in the best possible way. Everything bad was forgotten. No hands of blue anymore. The only thing left in her mind were the hands of Jayne and how it felt when he was touching her. She had known it would be good. She had felt emotions coming from others on the ship when they had sex. But this…? She’d had no idea it would be like this. He was taking his time with her. By the time all their clothes were off she was panting with desire. Then his hand was between her legs and she was filled with sensations that she had known existed by her own hand but had never known could feel like this. He groaned a little when he moved on top of her. Partly from pain and partly from longing. She had a little pain of her own when he pushed his way inside her but she could tell he was being careful and the pain faded quickly, replaced by the ecstasy of fullness.
Jayne kissed her neck, her shoulders, her breasts, her lips, as he continued to move slowly inside her. He was still in pain and the pain was making him slow but it wasn’t enough to dull his desire. River couldn’t stop her little noises of pleasure. She had known so much pain since the hands of blue. Jayne had given her mind peace and now he was was giving her body something so far away from pain that she hadn’t known it existed. She couldn’t think about anything anymore. Science was gone. Religion and all it’s errors were gone. Even Simon was gone. All that was left was this man and the way he moved inside her, the way he touched her. She didn’t want it to ever end. Her body found what it was looking for and with a moan she felt herself pulsate from her center outward. She lay limp as Jayne thrust into her a few more times and then moaned himself, going still.
He started to move off of top of her. She caught his arm. “Stay,” She whispered, still catching her breath. He rolled off anyway but pulled her into an embrace and covered them both with a blanket. She snuggled a little closer to him, feeling utterly at peace.
Jayne was nearly asleep when she spoke into the darkness. “Jayne?”
“Yeah?”
“Will we do this again sometime?” She asked, a little worried that he might say no.
“Yeah River. Yeah, most like we will.” He said, sleepy, but completely honest in his sleepy state.
“Good,” River said with a contented sigh. “I had hoped so.”