Chapter Text
The chapel was dark, illuminated by only a few sparse candles, and the soft glow of dawn that lit up the stained glass window above the alter with a peach hue. The window depicted a stern, vengeful looking Christ on judgement day looking out upon the chapel full of students.
Castiel’s blood ran cold every time he saw it; his chest constricting as he tried to appropriate this Lord with the one he had been told, and believed, was benevolent and forgiving, but found he fell short and struggled with the sheer contradiction of the two images.
One by one students filed into the chapel walking down the short isle, stopping and kneeling in front of the alter to cross themselves before moving to find their place in the pews. Behind them came a procession of three; Castiel and Gordon (the altar boys and two seniors at the school) and Father Zachariah (or as Dean and Benny like to call him: ‘father needs to fuck’ – despite Castiel’s best attempts at reminding them of the vows of a Catholic priest which always fall on deaf ears. Still, it normally resulted in some interesting methods to shut him up – on Dean’s part that is… if it was Benny it wouldn’t have quite the same effectiveness).
“I want to welcome all of you back to St Cecilia’s on this; the great day of epiphany. I hope that Christmas was a time of great joy and praise for all of you and your families, and that you are ready to embark on this new term which, for many of you, will be your last here with us.”
Zachariah paused casting his gaze upon the students before continuing.
“I want you all to imagine what it must have been like on that day to witness the arrival of the wise men as they came to pay respect to Jesus. A journey not dissimilar to yours as it was a journey which rested almost entirely upon their faith; that they would know where they were going once they arrived…”
Again Father Zachariah took a moment to study the students sat before him.
“…For those of you who will be leaving, just as the wise men did we must recognise and continue to live together, study together, and most importantly pray together. We must pray for strength for the journey that we shall continue to go on even after we have all parted ways. We begin in the name of the father, son, and Holy Spirit; let us call to mind those times when we have fallen from God’s grace.”
Zachariah moved behind the lectern and together they began to confess.
“I confess to you almighty God, and to you my brothers and sisters that I have sinned of my own fault…”
Castiel always struggled during confession.
Of course, he freely admitted that he was not sinless. There is no-one but Christ that is sinless. He argued, swore, felt jealously, and hurt himself and others, but he could still feel his guilt bubbling up inside him. His faith and his heart divided all because of one act they saw and named a sin but he in which he only saw love and truth.
But still he continued praying. No one knew about him, or the things he and Dean did at night, and nor could they. A catholic school boy in a boarding school having a relationship with his male roommate was an abomination. He would be disowned, shunned, and most likely beaten – even if his friends were accepting he knew he would not miss the wrath of his father or his uncles and cousins.
So he prayed; keeping up appearances in the low lit chapel asking for forgiveness for that which he knew to be sin, and the lies of omission that made up his life.
“Castiel, you are not fooling anyone.” Father Zachariah’s voice dripped with odium as he turned his cold stare towards him.
Cas froze, unsure of what to do so other than squeeze his eyes shut and pray harder. But Zachariah advanced upon him, his white robes becoming black and the soft light of the room vanishing leaving only darkness and a blinding white light which lit Castiel like a spot light.
“Being an altar boy by day doesn’t forgive what you do at night.” He spat as the flames of anger in his eyes appeared to become literal, translucent flames emerging from his iris and his aura began to shimmer as if he was made of fire.
As Zachariah continued to advance Castiel began to back away hoping to escape from this hellish nightmare, never stopping his prayer of confession, praying for it all to stop. That he could just be without the pain and judgment.
He continued to back away, blindly fumbling to seek the safety of his friends whom he believed would protect him. But rather than finding this solace, he was met by the dark, venomous expressions of his school friends who looked ready to rip him apart with their bare hands whilst they laughed.
Cas collapsed to the ground, his chest getting impossibly tighter, his air supply beginning to restrict, and panic settling into his very core. He felt like he was drowning, and all he wanted was for his friends, the very people who had become more like family than his real family, to reach out and help him. Instead, they began to hurl abuse at him.
“How do you like it Castiel? An angel, dancing with the devil, teetering on the edge of the pit!” Jo sneered.
“He loves my brother!” Sam spat. “They have sex, and share a bed. God, it makes me sick!” Cas flinched at the words leaving Sam’s usually kind mouth.
“Maybe you should just take a few too many happy pills? Seeing as Ash sells them, I’m sure he’d give you them all for free, faggot. You’d be doing us a favour!” Gabriel shouted with sick amusement etched across his face.
“You can’t keep this a secret, Cas. 7 years and it still got out. Your disgusting, and I’m gonna take him from you. Show him the right way to live. I’m gonna have him take me just like he takes you but it’ll be better. I’ll give him a family, and more pleasure than you could ever give, and you can thank me for that later.” Lisa taunted.
“No! Please stop! Please!” Castiel shouted, pleaded, and begged them as they continued to advance on him, tears spilling from his eyes and running down his cheeks as he drew ragged breaths, his voice hoarse with emotion and pain.
“Why don’t you pray louder Cassie? Try and save your soul from the pit?” “Haha, like that’s possible! Why would God want such a disgusting, thing, anywhere near him?!”
“How- d-did you f-find out? We hid it so well, no one- I-I didn’t tell anyone” Cas stuttered. Panicking more and more and willing someone to stop. To help him.
“No more dodging, Castiel, God is watching. You can’t escape your sinful past, or what you are.” Father Zachariah joined the approaching mob.
“Read the bible.”
“Why can’t you just obey?”
“You’ll burn for this, you gross bastard!”
“You have 5 months until it’s too late!”
“You’d better lock those thoughts away before judgment day, or you’ll be thrown into the flames with every other faggot out there!”
The abuse continued to be hurled at him and all he could do was cry for the very person who had sent him to this hell to begin with.
“MOM!”
The group disappeared, returning to their seats almost instantly as a figure appeared at the lectern.
“Castiel, sweetie, are you sleeping through morning mass again?” His mother asked in an exasperated tone. “You know if you keep this up your going straight to hell with all the others.”
She then proceeded to produce a Bible from behind her and began to read.
“Our first reading today is the story of how despite the best efforts of a single mother, her child can still turn out so horribly, horribly, wrong. I suppose I should have seen it coming. After all, most 7 year old boys ask for superheroes or a basketball for their birthday, but Castiel? Oh no, he wanted an easy bake oven, and his father, Crowley, asked for a divorce. He left me with a letter saying ‘Your son is broken. Even hell will spit him back out, and trust me I’d know, I’m practically its king.’ Then as soon as I found out his favourite movie was Brokeback Mountain…? Well, there were signs everywhere.”
“Mother, please!” Castiel begged, tears drenching his cheeks as he felt his world crumble.
“I sent him to a Catholic boarding school in the hope that he would be straightened out, but when he met his roommate, Dean, I knew it was all over. ‘Love at first sight’ as their eyes met over the bags they were bringing into their room. After that I said to myself: ‘Naomi, you wanted grandchildren, and a lovely daughter in law, instead, you’re going to have ambiguous holiday cards from Vegas, and South Beach.’
“Mom! Stop please!” Cas begged once again and she vanished almost instantly, but instead of relief he only felt panic as he recognised the mob which was once again advancing through the blackness that enshrouded the chapel.
“Abomination! Abomination! Abomination! Abomination!” They chanted as they advanced, stepping closer and closer until they were around him. It felt as though there was no air left in his lungs or the room.
“Cas!”
He jerked awake, only to see Sam, smiling at him with amusement and sympathy.
“Mass is almost over, man, I was worried that old Zach would catch you snoozing and give you hell for it. I had to wake up Gabe too.” Sam chuckled wiping at the patch of drying drool on his uniform left by Gabe during his nap (usually because he started dreaming that whatever he was sleeping on was made of candy, and tried to eat it.)
But Cas found himself unable to even speak as he processed the aftermath of the all too familiar dream.
“You okay man? You look terrible! Are you sick? I can text Dean and make sure he’s awake to look after you dur-”
“I’m , Sam.” Cas cut him off sharply and then, seeing the confused hurt flash momentarily flash in Sam’s eyes, he continued, “Thank you though. It would have been awkward if I’d been snoring through the confession” Cas replied finally allowing himself to relax and willing his heartbeat to slow down.
“If you’re sure?” Sam asked concern etched across his face and most evident in the way his lips pursed and his eyebrows knitted together.
All Cas could do was nod in response and take some more steadying breaths as he took in his surroundings, sending prayers of thanksgiving that he hadn’t started screaming in the chapel otherwise, Father Zach probably would have had him exorcized.
Unlike in the dream scape, the room was now brightly lit by the sun, and the lights hanging from the ceiling, leaving no crevice in darkness, and making both student, clergy, and staff, seem more approachable.
As he looked from his place beside the altar across the pews full of students, he saw all the faces that had advanced on him. Garth, Ash, Jess, Becky, Chuck, and Lisa, all smiled at him and when he spotted Gabe, he received a wink as the class clown not-so-discreetly shoved another chocolate bar into his mouth grinning at him, his mouth a chocolaty mess. Clearly he was peckish after his morning nap.
Castiel just rolled his eyes and then willed the service to go faster so that he could leave and find Dean; being in his presence, even just for a few minutes, never failed to calm him because being with dean was more than calming. Dean was home, and comfort, and love, and safety, all the things that that dream had been deprived of and so much more.
It was a strange thing, he thought, that whilst most students here thought of this as just school, with a roommate they might not like… to Cas and Dean, their room was home.
It was the one place where they could be them, together and not have to hide (unless of course someone [read Gabe] was passed out on their floor. Again.)
And Cas couldn’t wait to be back there.
That was until he remembered that it was a Monday morning, and that meant that there was a full day of classes to get through before he could burrow under the covers, curl up in Deans arms, and forget all he had just imagined.
Sighing, Cas resigned himself to having to simply go and meet Dean by his locker and start another day where they pretended that they were as straight as a steel ruler, and not in love with each other. But still, inspite of that very large roadblock, Dean was worth it.