Work Text:
I.
Ten is Johnny's first love.
Johnny thinks he might be gay, but he suddenly knows for sure that he is the first time Ten smiles his ten thousand watt smile at him. Were humans supposed to shine so brightly? Johnny doesn’t think so, but he’s still blinded by how much the other boy sparkles.
Ten has five piercings in his ears and wants one more. He convinces Johnny to accompany him to the mall and somehow Johnny is the one sitting on a stool while someone presses an alcohol swab to his earlobe. Ten had gone first, barely flinching as the needle pierced the cartilage of his ear. Then he’d gone around the store and picked out a set of earrings for Johnny, amethyst studs since it’s both of their birth stones. Johnny is scared, but Ten's hand is so warm in his own and he thinks he could endure a lot more piercings just so he could get Ten to hold his hand again. He quickly changes his mind after the process is done and both his earlobes are red and throbbing. Ten assures that it won't hurt so much in a day or two and Johnny just nods in response. They make their way to the mall foodcourt since Ten had promised to buy him a smoothie for being so brave. Johnny didn't think he was brave, just stupid, impulsive, and maybe a little bit in love, but he agreed to the free smoothie anyway because who was he to disagree with Ten? Ten comes back to their table with said smoothies in hand and pouts when he notices Johnny's grim expression. Were pouts supposed to be cute? Wasn't that a trait reserved for small children? Ten was constantly defying the odds.
"You don't like them," Ten says, interrupting Johnny's sappy internal monologue. "I forced you."
"No, no, no," Johnny insists. "They just hurt like a bitch."
Ten laughs. “Beauty is pain, man.” Johnny takes a sip of his smoothie. “Now every time you see your earrings in the mirror you’ll think of me.” Johnny tries very hard not to choke on his drink.
They have their first kiss a month later while watching a movie at Ten’s house. Johnny is sixteen years old and it’s his first kiss ever. He laughs because he thinks it’s kind of stupid that pressing his lips against someone else’s could make him so happy. Then again, those lips belonged to Ten and just being with Ten made Johnny both stupid and happy in equal measure. They kiss again and again. Ten is a good teacher. He shows Johnny the right way to tilt his head and reminds him to breathe out of his nose. Johnny wonders out loud that kissing in real life was much more complicated than the kissing that was happening in the movie and Ten has to press their lips together again because the observation was just too cute.
“Am I supposed to be this out of breath?” Johnny asks an hour later. The movie is over and so it the makeout session, for now at least.
“Mhm. That means I’m doing it right” Ten is so confident. Johnny likes that about him. He also likes the way Ten looks in this moment, all swollen lips and tousled hair. This must be what sexy looks like.
“Am I doing it right?” Johnny wishes some of Ten’s confidence would run off on him.
“Of course you are,” Ten replies. “You’re perfect.”
II.
Doyoung is Johnny's second love.
They meet at a party during their sophomore year in college. It'd been awhile since Johnny last had sex so it's all too easy to follow Doyoung home and tumble between the sheets. Johnny wakes first and attempts to leave quietly when he's stopped by a hand around his waist and whispered promises of a home cooked breakfast if he stays and sleeps a little longer. Doyoung makes the best pancakes he's ever had.
Johnny points out that Doyoung's apartment is way too nice for the average student and he learns that Doyoung's family is well off. He gets the best of everything provided that he stays in the top of his class. Doyoung is serious about his studies and his dedication rubs off on Johnny. They often study in the quiet of the apartment instead of the campus library or Johnny’s tiny dorm room. When Doyoung is really focused he mumbles softly to himself, reading or pondering things out loud. Johnny takes videos on his phone to show their friends and is delighted at the way Doyoung stamps his feet in embarrassment and frustration. Sometimes Johnny falls asleep in Doyoung's lap while he's reading and he complains when Doyoung flicks his forehead to wake him up.
Their sex life is great. Johnny learns all the ways to make Doyoung moan, beg, and shudder in his arms. He thinks it should be impossible that Doyoung wants him and only him all the time every day, but somehow that’s true. There are times where Johnny can't keep up. It makes him feel inadequate, but Doyoung shushes Johnny by telling him to watch instead. So Johnny watches. He watches as Doyoung gets undressed and moves to the center of the bed. Johnny's eyes roam the expanse of Doyoung's naked body as he strokes his cock, closing his eyes and settling against the pillows. He groans when Doyoung comes, suddenly very, very in the mood. Doyoung is adventurous. He loves to tease Johnny in public, playing footsie under the table at a restaurant and rubbing his hand on Johnny's inner thigh in the movie theater. Doyoung drives him up the wall until Johnny is coming down his throat in the back of the car or in the stall of a public restroom. They fuck all over Doyoung's apartment instead of eating or sleeping or whatever normal couples did. One night Johnny comments that they're acting like newlyweds who are christening their first home. Doyoung is quiet for a moment, pressing a kiss to the dip between Johnny's collarbones while putting his thoughts in order. He says that Johnny spends so much time he might as well live there too. Johnny moves in the very next day.
Doyoung's drive and study habits are having a positive effect on Johnny. His grades have never been higher and he can't wait to tell his boyfriend the good news. The light at the crosswalk changes and Johnny crosses the street while composing a text to Doyoung. He doesn't see the guy on the bicycle coming his way at full speed.
The first thing Johnny hears as he starts to wake is Doyoung's voice.
"You would think that someone working at a bike messenger service could ride a fucking bike."
His voice is quivering so much that Johnny forces his eyes open. A hospital? Yikes. He tests his limbs and, aside from a pounding headache, everything seems to be in working order.
"I'm fine!" Doyoung yells into the phone. He has his back to Johnny, but from the sound of his voice alone Johnny can tell he'd been crying. "I'm not the one laying in a hospital bed with a fucking concussion."
Concussion? Damn. Johnny opens his mouth to speak, but his mouth and throat are so dry that no sound comes out. After a few tries he manages to grunt loud enough to catch Doyoung’s attention.
“Holy fucking shit. He’s awake. I’ll call you back.”
In the next moment Doyoung has collapsed into the chair next to Johnny’s bed and is sobbing into his chest. He’s shaking like a leaf and all Johnny can do is try his best to console him by running his hands down his back and through his hair. It takes a few minutes until Doyoung stops crying and Johnny waits a few minutes more before he finally speaks.
“So, is this heaven? Are you an angel?”
“No, you dumbshit. You didn’t die.”
“Thought so. Pretty sure angels aren’t supposed to swear that much.”
“I hate you.” Johnny laughs, knowing this is Doyoung speak for, “I was so worried. You scared me. I care about you so, so much.”
“I know,” Johnny replies, wiping the tears off Doyoung’s face with his thumb. “Me too.”
III.
Taeyong is Johnny’s third love.
However, at this moment in time he’s not sure if he loves Taeyong at all because they’re right in the middle of another disagreement. He’s so tired after a long day at the office and wants nothing more than to sleep, but Taeyong thinks they aren’t talking enough. Johnny is confused. They talk every day, multiple times a day. How could that not be enough? Taeyong says that talking and communicating are completely different things and Johnny wants to bang his head against the wall.
Today Taeyong refuses to leave the house because he’s writing. He got like this sometimes when he was working on a new story. It could be a little insufferable, but Johnny was used to it by now. Luckily it’s a Sunday and Johnny can spend it looking after Taeyong. He brings Taeyong food at his desk and takes away the empty plates. He makes sure that the coffee pot is never empty and that Taeyong wears his reading glasses. Johnny putters around the house, browsing the internet and watching the TV on mute, falling asleep on the couch. It’s three in the morning when Taeyong shakes him awake, urging him to get into bed. He complies, way too tired to talk or “communicate” or remind Taeyong to brush his teeth first. They fit so well together and Taeyong tucks the blanket in around them both before whispering a “thank you” against Johnny’s temple and falling asleep.
Johnny is up for a big promotion at work. He doesn’t get it, and it’s a long drive home at the end of the day. Taeyong isn’t good with remembering things like this so he doesn’t expect anything from him and is shocked to see dinner on the table complete with a cake that reads “Congratulations!” His expression must say it all because Taeyong is quick to pick up the cake and throw it in the trash. Johnny tries to protest that it’s a waste of food, but he ends up laughing instead when Taeyong pulls out another cake from the refrigerator and offers it to him. He runs his finger through the blue icing lettering of “Your boss is a dick” and holds it up for Johnny to taste. The icing is sweet, but Johnny things that Taeyong tastes even sweeter.
This is ridiculous, Johnny thinks as he gets undressed. It's just sex. That wasn’t entirely true, though. Sex with Taeyong had never been just sex. It wasn't about the way their bodies connected; it was their minds or their souls, some intangible quality that Johnny couldn't put into words. Anyway, words were Taeyong's thing. It scared him sometimes, how much he cared for Taeyong, how much Taeyong made him feel. Was it normal that Johnny wanted to protect another grown man with his life? That he would gladly give up his own happiness if it meant that Taeyong was always smiling? That after years of having sex one way he suddenly wanted to try something new? Probably not. And yet here he is, naked and in bed, waiting for Taeyong to get out of the shower.
After what seems like an eternity, Taeyong finally emerges from the bathroom. He's not wearing a stitch of clothing, his pale skin practically glowing in the low light of their bedroom and Johnny wonders how he convinced such a beautiful man to love him. Taeyong looks at Johnny from head to toe, seemingly delighted at his state of undress, his expression changing to one of shock when Johnny spreads his legs and bends his knees exposing everything for him. Johnny is too embarrassed to look at Taeyong, much less express what exactly it is he wants, so he lies there and hopes Taeyong understands him. He feels the bed dip next to him and he continues to stare industrially at the ceiling.
"Will you look at me?" Taeyong asks so Johnny complies, turning his head to meet Taeyong's gaze. "Darling, are you sure?" Since he can't seem to find his voice Johnny nods in response, his eyes closing as Taeyong connects their lips.
Johnny is convinced there are no words that could describe the feeling of having Taeyong inside him. It’s intense, breathtaking, powerful, and pleasurable all at once. Johnny loses himself to the feeling, to the stretch, the rocking of hips and the sound of Taeyong’s voice whispering words of praise against the skin of his neck.
“Taeyong, please,” Johnny pants. “Taeyong, I can’t. I can’t, please.” Johnny isn’t even sure what it is he can’t do, but of course, as always, Taeyong understands.
“Of course you can,” Taeyong coaxes. “I’m right here. I’ve got you.”
And Johnny is shattering apart from the inside out, a million pieces floating in space that only Taeyong can put back together.
When he comes to, he’s lying in Taeyong’s arms while Taeyong cards his fingers though his hair. Johnny leans into the touch, wrapping his arms tighter around Taeyong’s waist.
“That’s exactly how it is for me,” Taeyong says. “That’s how you make me feel every time.”
Instead of replying Johnny presses his lips against Taeyong’s. He hopes the kiss conveys the depth of his gratitude, the breadth of his love.
They’re quiet for a few moments, Johnny drifting off to sleep when Taeyong breaks the silence. “You’re my whole life, Johnny. I love you so much.”
“You can’t,” Johnny falters, “You can’t just say stuff like that.”
“Why not?” Taeyong asks, eyes sparkling. “It’s true.”
“I – I love you too,” Johnny replies before kissing Taeyong again and again and again.
Taeyong is Johnny’s last love.